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Can't Be Tamed

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The point to all existence. The incurable human condition that only death’s sweet release can cure. Was the very reason for this precarious situation he found himself in. 

The endless tedious momentum of the same routine every day, every hour, right down to the millisecond has left him here in this particular moment gawking at the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. 

Beauty had never transcendent time until this moment. This exact moment, this very second, he knew. Dazai Osamu, Boss of the Port Mafia was royally fucked .

And it was all Oda’s fault.  

Dazai moaned, rolling his head from side to side. Mountains of paperwork sat cluttered on his mahogany desk. It was just so dull and tedious. He had already pawned off as much paperwork as he could to his executives. No, what laid on his desk was things only for the Boss’s eyes. Sighing heavily, he smirked before Odasaku’s voice, washed over him like ice. 

“No, Dazai. No one to torture this week.” 

“Spoil my fun,” he murmured. “It’s so boring .”

“You mentioned the same thing last week when you were torturing,” Oda replied, turning a page in his book with a slight smile. 

“Wonder how the river…”


“Ne, Oda I was only joking.” Dazai slumped over his desk, resting his head on his arms. 

“What’s going on, Dazai?” Oda said while closing his book with a snap. 

“It’s tedious, Odasaku. The same shit over and over and over,” Dazai whined, his voice high pitch as he pushed a pen back and forth. 

“Dazai, I know you. You’ve already dealt with whatever those reports say so what’s really going on?” 

Dazai sighed heavily, placing his elbows on his desk, cradling his chin. Oda was giving him a look. Dazai recognized that look


“I don’t know."

Dazai watched Oda eye him critically. He glanced over another report while he waited for Oda to speak his mind. 

Oda locked eyes with him and gave a smile. Dazai leaned forward, eager to hear the words that his best friend and confidant would say. 

“Dazai, maybe you should date.”

Dazai couldn’t help it. He laughed. How the hell was the boss of the Port Mafia supposed to date? 

Dazai wiped his bloody knife on the cloth. Apparently, there had been someone to torture. 

It hadn’t taken long. It never did. 

He already sent a team to deal with the leftovers. It was pitiful what the upstarts thought they could accomplish. 

They never stood a chance.  

Dazai slipped his jacket off. He threw his jacket to the lackey behind him and strolled back into his office, rolling his sleeves up. Odasaku was waiting for him, sitting on the black leather couch engrossed in his book. Dazai glanced at the cover and quirked his eyebrow. A murder mystery interesting. 

“Odasaku,” Dazai waited for Oda to look at him before giving him a nod. Oda placed a bookmark in his book and took his phone out. Dazai listened to Oda give the commands and plopped down in his chair. He closed his eyes, propping his feet up. 


The word was distasteful in his mouth. Would it be worth it? Putting yourself out on the market like a piece of meat? 

“You won’t know unless you try, Dazai,” Oda stated, setting his phone down. Dazai looked at Oda startled. He hadn’t realized that he had said that out loud. 

Oda walked over to Dazai and leaned over him, pressing a few buttons on his computer. “At least, it won’t be boring.”

Dazai glanced at the screen with a small smile. 

Tinder, huh?

Is your dick thick enough for my amazing hands— 

"—Dazai, you can’t put that ,” Odasaku scolded, his lips forming a thin line. 

Dazai blinked and looked up at his right-hand man with a childish expression. “Ne, Odasaku, why not? Any man would be lucky to be graced with my presence. One of them is bound to have a thic-”

Oda shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.

My ideal date would involve Russian roulette in the river with a redhead man by my side. While we’re there, I’ll evaluate your thick dick, checking that you’re up to my understandably high standards.


Dazai grinned and continued to type. This was all Oda’s fault anyway. 

Chapter Text

Dazai fiddled with his sleeves again before striding into the small quaint cafe next to the bookstore. His date’s profile had stated that he was a mathematics professor. He had seemed genuine and hadn’t balked at his ridiculous profile.

That profile was worth the look on Oda’s face. He quickly spotted his date in a corner, his head bent as he wrote furiously in a small notebook. Dazai straightened his sleeves for the millionth time and strolled towards the handsome blond man. 

Just maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.  

Dazai gave his most dashing smile as their eyes connected. His date was drop dead gorgeous. Maybe Oda had been right. He just needed something normal. Maybe. This could wo— 

Dazai raised his eyebrow as his date started to mutter, scribbling in his notebook. He stopped in front of his date and cleared his throat. 

“Kunikida-sensei, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” 

The professor snapped his notebook closed and pushed his glasses up with his forefinger. Dazai frowned as he read the word ‘ ideals ’ on the outside of the green notebook. 

“Dazai-san, I’m afraid that this arrangement would never work between us,” the professor stated, pulling his watch out. “Ideally , you would have been here on time and we could’ve continued. However, I am two-and-a-half minutes behind schedule.”

“Kunikida-sensei, I apologize for my lateness. It won’t happen again. I was held up at—”

“Dazai-san, a quick word of advice. Being late to a commitment never ends well. I wish you luck. Good day,” Kunikida scolded before pushing passed him. 

Dazai stared after him with his mouth agape. Shaking his head out of his stupor, he casually walked out of the cafe. 

Just what the fuck just happened?

Dazai stared at the foreign man in front of him. Sure, he was pleasant on the eyes.Too bad his fashion sense was terrible. However, so far, this date was going better than the last. 

Oda had chastise him for that disastrous event. Or maybe it was because of what happened to the dear sensei’s car.

Dazai was only half listening as his date talked enthusiastically about something, his violet eyes sparkling with each word.  Leaning forwards, Dazai smiled and set his cup down. 

“That sounds fascinating, Dostoevsky-san,” he lied, quirking his eyebrow as the Russian man lay his hand on top of his.

“It gives me pleasure that you think so, Dazai-san. But please, call me Fyodor. I would love to get to know you better.  Poceluj menja, dorogaja,” Fyodor purred, leaning forwards while his fingers rubbed small circles on Dazai’s hand. 

Dazai blinked. His ‘date’ just asked him to play bouncy bouncy. Pulling his hand backwards, Dazai widen his eyes and smiled coyly.  

He took a small sip of his tea. 

“Fyodor-san, Ty pytaesh’sja vospol’zovat’sja mnoj?” Dazai drawled, relishing in his date’s look of astonishment. 

“Ah, Dazai-san. You surprise me! You know Russian! This is perfect. Tvoj otec vor? On ukral zvezdy s neba, chtoby ostavit’ ih v tvoih glazah,” Fyodor cooed. 

“Fyodor-san, I highly doubt that my father stole the stars for my eyes. I see you are avoiding my question. So, I’ll ask again. Are you trying to take advantage of me?”

“You’re beautiful, moja zvezda ili zvezdochka . I want to get to know you better,” Fyodor professed.

Dazai stared, trying not to roll his eyes while ignoring his date’s blatant advances. It was like the man had Googled the worst pickup lines and went with it. How does that even work? 

Dazai narrowed his eyes as an errant foot moved against his pant leg towards his crotch. His date was… God, he didn’t even have a word. 

Is this what regular people used this app for? To get laid?  

“Ja poterjal svoego pljushevogo mishku. Budesh’ so mnoj spat’?” 

“Oh, for fuck's sake. That has to be the worst line ever. Seriously, your fucking teddy bear. If you want to be fucked, just say so,” Dazai spat, grinding his teeth. 

“You’re feisty,” Fyodor stated simply.

“Oh, you have no idea how feisty I can be Fyodor-san. Ty prosto ispol’zuesh’ menja dlja seksa?” Dazai purred, leaning forwards. 

“I like a spirited man, Dazai-kun. Ja chuvstvuju, chto my kos—” 

“I swear to God, if you say cosmically connected. I am walking out of here and you will have no chance in hell at getting a piece,” Dazai warned, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

His date paused, taking a sip of his tea before answering. 

“Your place or mine then?”

“Yours, darling. ”  

Dazai strolled towards the crepe cart. His last date had been interesting to say the least. At least, he had gotten some stress relief from it. Oda had given him the ‘look’ for days with small comments every time Dazai hit ignore when a certain Russian called. The man was an adequate lay but not worth the troubling headache. Stuffing the Russian’s mouth shut with his tie had been the best decision that night. 

Shaking his head, Dazai smiled and continued towards the crepe cart. His new date was supposed to be nearby. Looking around, he squinted at an all black figure standing near the water’s edge of the pier.  His long black trench coat seemed to be floating in the breeze. 

Dazai checked his messages one last time and sent a quick text to his expected date. He watched as the man in black pulled out his phone, giving Dazai a clear look at his face. 

He groaned. Just fuckity fuck . He should’ve known better. 

Diablo666 was none other than Akutagawa, Dazai’s commander of the Black Lizard and Oda’s adopted emo adult son. 

Just no. No way in hell. 

Oda would have his head and fuck no. Nope. No . Not in this lifetime. 

Quickly sending a text saying something came up. Dazai, the boss of the Port Mafia, ran faster than he had in his life, praying that Oda would never find out. 

Dazai leaned against his chair and flipped through the book Oda had given him. He was waiting for his date to appear. Checking the time on his phone, he quickly sent a message to Oda. He would give the man five minutes then he was leaving. 

So far, today had been a waste of his goddamn time. He could’ve been torturing the man down in his dungeon right now. The man seemed like a screamer. Sighing loudly, he turned a page in the novel he was pretending to read when a shadow loomed over him.

Setting his book down, he stood up and smiled dashingly at the white-haired man in front of him. The man was a decent height and nice to look at it. Maybe, the app had finally gotten it right….

“It’s nice to finally meet with you, Shibusawa-san.”

“Are you the one I seek?” the man asked in a lifeless voice. “Life is so dull. Everyone always does the same. Will you surprise me, Dazai-kun?”

“Please have a seat.” Dazai motioned to the chair in front of him, ignoring the warning bells going off in his head. He sat back down and waited for his date to sit. His date seemed entranced by a flash of white in the window before finally sitting down.

“The rarest of jewels is what I seek. Unfortunately, you are not rare. Just a tarnished diamond floating among the rest,” Shibusawa stated matter-of-factly. 


“No, you are not the one I seek. How dull,” Shibusawa sighed with a sip of his tea. 

Dazai pinched the bridge of his nose. How the hell did he end up in this situation? Oh, yes. He had been irritated with life and Oda had suggested dating. 

Dazai scowled into his cup and scoffed. Fucking great. Picking up his phone, he tuned out his date and opened his messages. His finger hovered over a name. It would be too easy to have this dealt with…Clicking on a different name, he clicked typed a ‘call me’ before placing the phone back into his pocket. 

He swore time slowed down to a crawl as he waited for the call. A team to take care of this would’ve been faster…..

His phoned blared to life, interrupting his thoughts. He thanked whatever god was listening to his pleas. 

“I’m sorry, Shibusawa-san. I must take this call,” Dazai excused himself, placing the phone to his ear as he pressed ‘talk’ and walked straight out of the cafe.  He didn’t bother looking back as he stepped into the limo waiting for him. 

He slid into the car with a scowl on his face. He glared at his right hand man. “Ten minutes. One more minute and I was sending a team to deal with that man.”

“He couldn’t have been that bad, Dazai.” 

“If I had my gun, I would’ve shot himself myself.”

He ignored Oda’s laughter as they pulled away from the cafe.