Posted: 4 years ago
Blog Post 1:
Hi, I guess? I’ve never really done one of these before, but my instructor says that writing is a good way to help sort your emotions out. Long story short my friends heard about it too, and a couple of them are pretty good with tech so I have a blog now.
My life is pretty normal, I have a mom and twin brother, and my father is a nonexistent ghost who has become one with penguins. I go to a normal middle school ruled under the iron fist of a demon lord with a soft heart for small animals, my other best friend is a baseball player who could kill you in broad daylight without anyone ever noticing, and my martial arts instructor is a contracted assassin with the Chinese Triad.
Is it too late to ask for a refund on my life?
Looking back on it now, she should have deleted the blog when she had the chance and no one knew about it.
Posted: 5 minutes ago
A Sure Sign of the Apocalypse (Part 53):
God has abandoned me (again), and the world is ending. I long for the days that all I worried about was middle school bullies and whether Kyoya would beat me with tonfas for getting into his space. Today a man in a fedora arrived at my doorstep announcing he was a tutor for my brother hired by my mother and made up concept of a penguin ghost father.
The horseman of war has ridden into my home and is sitting on my living room couch, I am halfway finished with my will and am 90% percent certain that he’ll be the one to reap my soul. The worst part is that he drinks espresso, like a god damn normal human.
Hell has opened her gaping maw once more and released another cryptid. Why now? Why my junior year of high school!? Could you not have waited for after college entrance exams?
My mother in all her angelic greatness is once again being taken advantage of, and my brother… well the less said about him the better.
Whether I survive this encounter with an assassin in no disguise whatsoever, will remain to be seen. I hope I finally get to use that coffin you all sent to me last Halloween though, the woodwork is fantastic.
5,487 likes, 382 comments
* * *
Seventeen-year-old Sawada Setsuna typed this blogpost one-handed while fiercely defending her own espresso, clutching at the cup as if the man might move to take it at any moment. It was 7 am in the morning, and she was NOT awake enough to deal with this.
“You seem to be busy on that laptop.” The man who had introduced himself as Reborn said, his head tilting to indicate the slightly beat-up computer in her hand. “Last minute homework?”
Setsuna’s eyes moved up to him as she hit the enter key and closed the screen, taking a long sip from her cup. “More like a eulogy for my sanity.” She replied with a straight face. Because there was no way that anyone sent by her absentee Mafiosi of a father could spell out good news for her.
Her words seemed to amuse the man before her, however, as he simply smirked and took a sip of his own coffee that her mother had taken from Setsuna’s earlier brewed batch. Well, there goes seconds.
“I find that sanity is a tool for those too frightened to see beyond their white picket fenced lives.”
“I’m sure it’s a common view of hitmen.” Reborn paused and lowered his drink. His eyes narrowing to observe her.
“Hm, how disappointing, I was hoping my profession would remain unknown for a bit longer.”
“You didn’t exactly do a good job at hiding it, and anyone connected to mama’s husband is more likely than not to be connected with the mafia.” She took another sip of her coffee, her free hand reaching for her phone to open the chat room on it.
“Your family knows about your father’s occupation?” Now that truly seemed to surprise them, but Setsuna scoffed.
“No, just me. I have friends who’ve been around and I’m not so stupid as to believe there are construction workers in Antarctica who mine with golden pickaxes.”
She gestured to a hanging picture on the wall showing a blond man in an orange jumpsuit, smiling amongst a group of penguins as he held a shining golden pickaxe.
“No one ever said your father was a genius,” Reborn said after a full minute of stunned silence, most likely taking the time to digest just how stupid her sperm donor actually was.
“If they did, I would recommend they check into a mental health clinic.”
The clock on the wall hit 7:05 and she stood up from her seat to slide her laptop into her backpack, walking to the kitchen to hug the brown-haired woman inside.
“I’m going to school now, see you this evening mama.” Setsuna gave her mother a swift kiss on the cheek and was out the door in less than a minute. She didn’t want to be around when her brother woke up, after all, it would just lead to a migraine.
* * *
Reborn wasn’t sure what had just happened, and when Reborn wasn’t sure then he wasn’t happy. Every file he had received on the girl indicated she was a cowardly weakling with few friends, the type of person who would curl up into a ball at her own shadow.
What he got instead was a snarky teenager with enough sarcasm and dry wit to drain the ocean. He couldn’t decide it that was for better or worse. He could only hope that the reports on her brother were accurate, he was here to train the future Vongola Decimo and he would fulfill that mission no matter what.
And then he would go back to CEDEF and shoot Sawada Iemitsu until the man learned how to write a proper report on his own god damn family.
“Mom! Is breakfast ready? I’m gonna be late for class!” A voice loud and echoing sounded from upstairs, and Reborn watched as a boy thundered down with all the self-importance of a king, high on power.
His high school uniform was undone and his dark blonde hair seemed to be in a state of perpetual bedhead. After a minute of shoving books ungracefully into his backpack, Sawada Ienari finally looked up and spotted his new tutor.
“Who the hell are you?”
Reborn had to remind himself not to shoot the heir on sight. He felt like this would become a regular occurrence too.
* * *
Setsuna Today at 7:15 am
The apocalypse is coming
Hana Today at 7:15 am
So we gathered from your blog post
Setsuna Today at 7:16 am
And you just sat there and let me suffer!?
Hana Today at 7:18 am
I took screenshots to immortalize your suffering
Setsuna Today at 7:18 am
Hibari Today at 7:20 am
Get off the server and get to class
Setsuna Today at 7:20 am
You lurk on this server more than any of us Kyoya
Hana Today at 7:21 am
Did you hear that Setsuna? It’s the sound of your funeral bells
Setsuna Today at 7:22 am
Aight’ Imma head out
Takeshi Today at 7:23 am
Why did Hibari Senpai just storm out of school grounds with his Tonfa?
Ah I see, carry on
Setsuna Today at 7:23 am
Takeshi! You traitor!
Hana Today at 7:23 am
I call dibs on her YouTube account when she’s dead
Setsuna Today at 7:24 am
Jokes on you, I left it to Fuuta in my wiAHSJKAJKAGSDJKGAJ
Hayato Today at 7:24 am
Spanner Today at 7:30 am
This year we lost Sawada Setsuna, a good friend who died as she lived. Screaming about the injustices in her life.
Setsuna Today at 7:32 am
Quit telling everyone I’m dead!
Spanner Today at 7:33 am
Sometimes, we can still hear her voice
* * *
Setsuna rubbed the back of her head lightly, frowning at the small sting as she closed the chat on her phone.
“The universe has forsaken me.” She grumbled, the Disciplinary Committee leader didn’t respond, but the twitch of his lips was enough to let him know that he heard her.
“So, the herbivores sent someone?” He finally questioned referencing her earlier rants. Setsuna sighed deeply.
“Yeah, Fon was right. The direct heirs died so they chose Ienari.” She ran her hand through her caramel locks, a nervous habit she had picked up as a child. “Better him than me, I just want to go to college and die in peace.”
He gave her a look that said ‘You’re skipping a few steps’ but really she felt like it was a pretty solid plan.
Walking through the gates of Namimori High felt like a new death sentence each day, really it was only the company of her friends that kept her going.
“Wow, Setsuna doesn’t have an extra coffee serving with her? Maybe the apocalypse really is coming.”
“Hana I am removing you from my will for all time,” Setsuna said shooting a glare at the girl, all she received was a self-satisfied smirk in return.
“Relax Tsuna.” Takeshi grinned as he approached her, his arm winding around her shoulders. “We all knew you would be fine, it’s not like Hibari ever does any permanent damage.”
“The fact that he does damage at all is something to be concerned about!” She whined, making a noise like a wounded feline.
The bell rang marking the beginning of classes, and Setsuna was prevented from airing her grievances by a pointed glare and (gentle) shove towards the door.
“Get to class Fledgling,” Hibari ordered, and Setsuna had no choice but to obey. She really didn’t feel like getting bitten to death this Monday.
* * *
If Sawada Setsuna’s attitude had been grossly overestimated, then Sawada Ienari’s was grossly under. He had personally known the brat for all of half an hour and wanted to throw him into a river.
“So, you’re saying I’m supposed to inherit a mafia?”
“Did I stutter Baka-Ienari?” He asked as he titled the rim of his fedora upwards, smirking at the boy with all the chill of a reaper come to claim their victim’s soul. “The three direct heirs died and as someone descended from the bloodline of Vongola Primo, you were chosen to become Vongola Decimo instead.”
Ienari scowled at him and Reborn wasn’t impressed at all. He had seen pups that gave out a more intimidating aura.
“Yeah right, do I look that stupid?”
“Do you want an honest answer?”
The brat lunged at him but Reborn had stepped out of the way, he felt the familiar weight of Leon transforming and smirked as he brought a particularly thick dictionary down onto the top of his students head.
“Listen here Baka-Ienari, my name is Reborn and form now on I’ll be your personal tutor.” He smiled, and it was all teeth. “So get ready because I’m going to turn you into the greatest mafia boss there ever was.”
Somewhere in the great beyond, the universe laughed at him.
Shoutout to my fellow discord writers! Thanks for helping me with this idea, you corrupted me forever.
Comments are always welcome and appreciated, but please keep any criticism constructive.
Chapter 2: An Icon by Any Other Name
Or when Reborn realizes the elder Sawada sibling has been spilling mafia secrets for years but the world thinks she's just an author in the making.
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
On the screen of a laptop was a girl in a lion mask, on her left, stood a boy with a yellow bird mask, and on the right another girl in a white swan mask. Below the video panel was a title in black, bold letterings.
The Effect of Power on Those Unable to Handle It. Or Why the Mafia Has Suddenly Made My Life Worse (Feat. Hibari and Kurokawa)
“All I’m saying is that anyone who feels insecure enough to need validation more than three times a day shouldn’t be wielding power at all.” The voice that belonged to Kurokawa Hana argued.
“Validation is for the weak, power to enforce is what matters.” Hibari Kyoya replied in a clipped tone of voice, not even looking at the camera.
“And if that power is given to the person who needs validation, they shouldn’t have it right Tsuna?” Hana reiterated looking to the girl in the center for confirmation.
“Yet this is exactly what happened in my case.” She shook her head. “Any power structure is reliant on balance and stability, when tipped over in one direction it’s pretty much inevitable that a pendulum effect will take place eventually.” Her eyes snapped to the camera lens. “And yet this is exactly what my sperm donor’s family have done to me by giving the position of Decimo to my brother. Now I have no interest in being the heir, but for the love of God learn how to do an accurate profile on a person first, or better yet take them back to Italy for their training.”
“Your brother can barely lead the school soccer team without murdering the first kid who challenges his orders. He’s about as charismatic as a rock.”
“I could always dispose of him.” Hibari offered with a blood thirsty smirk that was easy to see from even under the mask.
“No! No disposing, I am NOT bailing you out of prison.” Setsuna vetoed immediately.
“Cheers to the mafia and their incompetent ability to choose heirs.” Hana said holding up a cup of juice.
“Cheers to my grades which will inevitably take a plummet from this hell.” Setsuna agreed.
Neither seemed eager to force Hibari to join in, and he didn’t seem to wish to either.
As the 13-minute video ended Reborn took a long… deep… breath. He was going to murder Iemitsu himself.
* * *
Within his first week in the Sawada household, Reborn made several observations. The main one being that Iemitsu clearly knew NOTHING about his family.
His son was not the bright and shining star he had claimed him to be, and his daughter was no meek child.
The girl knew all about the mafia, the boy next to nothing.
Sawada Ienari had quickly changed his mind and embraced his status as Decimo the moment he learned of the power and prestige that came with it, Sawada Setsuna didn’t care at all. Not even when her brother had tried to lord the it over her.
“Hah! You’re so useless that they gave the position to me, the younger twin!”
“Good for you Ienari, I hope you have a very fruitful career as a criminal mastermind.”
Useless… that was another thing that bothered Reborn. Dame-Tsuna had been a nickname written in her file, yet from what Reborn saw she was a perfectly adequate student, even ranking above average than many of her classmates. He would have to do more research on how she got it in the first place.
While Setsuna didn’t seem to bothered with the title though, the friction between the siblings was plain as day. Ienari was cruel and merciless to his sister, while Setsuna was biting and bitter towards him.
“Tsu-chan and Na-chan used to be so close, when they entered middle school they suddenly began to fight and never made up.” Nana frowned and bit her lip. “I’ve never been able to figure out what went wrong, but I learned that it’s usually best to let them have their separate space from each other.”
Which was why the guest room had been converted into a room for Setsuna, and Reborn was rooming with the brat.
Reborn quickly realized that if he wanted accurate information, he would have to obtain it himself. Which is also what brought him to his situation now.
A blog and video streaming site.
Setsuna had accounts for both, and a large following tipping into the millions combined. Not only that but they were blocked from anyone who had a Namimori area code or IP address in the location, the only way to access it from within the location was by invitation. Of course, a simple VPN bypassed the protocols, but Reborn realized that they were most likely in place to prevent locals from finding the channel and blog rather than accessing it in the first place. Afterall, if you didn’t know something existed in the first place then you had no reason to look for it.
His first thought was that he was slightly impressed that she managed to amass such a group, her videos and blogs were translated too, so it wasn’t simply limited to Japan.
His second thought was: How the fuck did the Vongola never catch wind of a teenage girl practically dropping mafia secrets, no matter how indirect for the entire world to see!? Not only that, how did you miss a teenage girl who regularly featured the god damn Storm Arcobaleno on her channel!?
He scanned through her playlist of most popular self-titled rants, and he hated to admit it, but she had courage and wit, and he could almost respect that.
Rants of a Tired Sky ™
- My Absentee Ghost Father and His Assimilation with a Penguin Colony in Antarctica (Feat. Yamamoto)
- Family vs. Famiglia: Why Mafia Men Are Not Fit to Marry Civilians and/or Have Children with Them (A Theoretical Rant)
- God Has Abandoned Me (Part 1)
- A Legal Case for What Constitutes As Child and Spousal Abandonment (Feat. Kurokawa)
- My Twin Brother is Actually a Gremlin and I have Proof (Feat. Gokudera on call and Irie in person)
- Why I will Never Visit Italy Unless I’ve Resigned Myself to Spend the Rest of My Life in Jail (Feat. Gokudera on call and Spanner in person)
- I Nearly Had to Break This Bird Out of Jail (Feat. A Repentant Big Skylark and No Regrets Baby Skylark)
- Vlog #38: How Long Can I Go Without a Proper Amount of Sleep? Studying the Sleeping Habits of a Carnivore. (I may die today guys)
- God Has Both Abandoned and Forsaken Me (Part 2)
- The History of ESP Users and Modern Application (A Presentation Feat. Gokudera on call)
- Criminal Syndicates Across the World and Their Ties to The Economy (Feat. Fon)
Her blog wasn’t any better from any point of view.
Reasons Why God Has Abandoned Me
- A Sure Sign of the Apocalypse (Part 53)
- The Sins of My Ancestors
- 12 Signs You Are an Eldritch Horror (If you are please contact Gokudera immediately)
Theories of Time Travel
- Social Hierarchies as Seen From a Carnivore's Perspective (Approved by a Verified Carnivore)
- A Sure Sign of the Apocalypse (Part 52)
- Chaos Theory: The Only Theory That Should Matter to You
Okay, that last post he would shamelessly admit he liked and reading the comments Reborn realized that Setsuna's fans believed her to be an author. A modern artist making use of modern mediums to write and share her story or some bull like that. If civilians believed she was a fantasy author playing a character, he would take it.
At the very end though, Reborn had four main questions.
- Who exactly was Sawada Setsuna that she knew about the inner workings of the mafia when she was supposed to be a civilian?
- How did she get in contact with the illegitimate son of a minor yet fairly influential Mafia Don?
- How long has she known the Storm Arcobaleno?
- How did Reborn himself join in?
Because if he was going to be stuck babysitting her brat of a baby brother, Rebon wanted to feel at least some sort of enjoyment, and tort-ah, tutoring your student lost some of its joy when it was clear it would become more of a stress response than anything else.
Staring at his phone for all of thirty seconds, Reborn dialed a number he hadn’t touched in years.
“Fon, nice to hear you’re still alive.”
* * *
A few days later a new video went up on SetsuNOthankyou’s channel.
The (Not So) Subtle Art of Blackmail and Why My Martial Arts Instructor and Brother’s Tutor Have Spots Waiting for Them in Hell (Feat. Reborn & Fon)
Hey! I posted another one!
Plot bunnies were present so I managed to hammer out another chapter.
She gets Hibari to participate with A LOT of IOUs and bribery. He also has a hard time saying no to her, not that he'd ever tell her that.
Comments are loved and appreciated!
Also, Ienari gave me serious Monoma vibes during his dialogue and I don't know how it got there, but I'm keeping it.
Chapter 3: I Came Out to Have a Good Time and I'm Honestly Feeling So Attacked Right Now
Betrayal from all sides. Setsuna has clearly upset some god in the past, and Reborn is a demon spawn who is stalking her.
Setsuna's Blog Name: Reasons Why God Has Abandoned Me
Setsuna's Youtube Channel: SetsuNOthankyou
Setsuna's Discord Server: Dante's Inferno
Members of the Discord: Setsuna, Hibari, Yamamoto, Hana, Gokudera, Chrome, Shoichi, Spanner
(Fuuta and Ipin will sometimes get a hold of a phone that has access and join in)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Setsuna glared daggers at the man before her at the desk of her classroom, only taking the slightest form of minuscule satisfaction upon seeing that her brother was still pale. As if invading their home life wasn’t enough, Reborn was now in their school lives as well.
Though, Setsuna was fine as long as he focused on Ienari and not her.
“A math assistant, I can’t believe they bought it.” Hana scoffed as several kids got up to go and eat their lunch. She, however, was staying with her regular group of four comprised herself, Tsuna, Yamamoto, and Chrome.
“Namimori High School would have fallen if not for Kyoya’s established order, they’re just that bad at keeping track of who they hire and who’s designated to be in charge of it.” Setsuna pointed out as she chewed on the eraser of her mechanical pencil, already writing down ideas for her next video which may or may not focus on the previously spoken topic. She would do anything to move the attention on from her most recently unplanned upload.
Reborn being a forced guest on her channel annoyed her for one reason only: The asshole was popular!
Setsuna had been forced to grab Chrome at last minute from her job at Takesushi to lay a mist illusion over a black and gold carnival mask for Reborn, one of the few extras for when they had an unexpected guest, and she had asked Shoichi and Spanner for help too when they had a project.
The hitman had been smug the entire time as well, and now nearly every comment on the video was about how her viewers were hoping he would be a regular!
“At the very least he’ll probably be better than Nezu, what do you think Tsu-are you okay?” Yamamoto looked at her with actual concern as she buried her face in her arms.
“I’m contemplating how fast I can delete my channel before that hellspawn becomes a regular guest.”
* * *
She was flame active, her friends were flame active. Fon had taught them and they were flame active!
Reborn had wanted to slam his head against the door when he first saw the purple-haired girl cast a light glamor of mist flames on a mask. Nothing too powerful, Reborn could tell it was more of a simple distortion trick, the type you use to blur distinct features, discourage too much attention from focusing on one thing.
Which explains how she had gotten away with the videos without being recognized. If he hadn’t known who exactly he was looking for beforehand, it may have worked on him as well.
“A wonderful idea to stay hidden, isn’t it?” Fon asked him with that ever-present smile. “They came up with it when Setsuna first started to film videos.”
Reborn made a face. “Stop talking, you sound like a doting parent.” And that idiot Iemitsu had drained any and all reserves he had for those for the next 20 years at least.
Fon’s eyes simply narrowed slightly as his lips lifted even more “Still, I was surprised by your wish to participate.”
“She gets away with insulting that idiot Iemitsu in front of millions without the Vidice coming after her. Of course, I’m interested.”
“Well, the Vindice don’t go after civilians and considering she’s an unaffiliated party who never mentions specific key workings of the mafia or specific famiglias she doesn’t count as breaking Omerta.”
“I’m sure revealing the new Decimo counts somewhere along the lines,” Reborn muttered. Then again, the Ninth’s loss of heirs was common knowledge, and news had traveled fast that a new heir had been chosen in place, so technically she was simply spouting knowledge that any person could hear through the grapevine.
“I’m sure Mammon would have loved to take her on as an apprenticing info broker at one point.”
“Is that suppose to make me feel something positive?” Because the thought of Mammon taking an interest in anyone besides to extort them for all their worth was quite frankly, terrifying in a manner all on its own.
“Okay the equipment is ready, Satan Incarnate, Traitorous Master please put on your masks and stand in front of the camera,” Setsuna said with a gaze that reflected all the joy of a dead fish.
And if the dissatisfied tilt that was on Fon’s lips for half a second was any sign of her hold over him, Reborn figured the resulting show would be worth a petty nickname or two. Besides, he could find a way to get back at her later, Reborn didn’t like losing and having the last word was part of it.
(Years later Setsuna would call him the pettiest man-child she’d ever had the displeasure of meeting, and Colonnello would fall out of the second-story window of the Vongola mansion laughing himself to death)
For now, though, revenge came in the form of inserting himself in the lives of the Sawada twins as an assistant math teacher. As it turns out, teasing the girl was just as delightful as torturing her brother.
“You may call me Professor Reborn, I’m on loan to you all from a University in Italy for an international teaching program, and by the end of this week you’ll be doing math sheets as if you were about to die.”
The twins’ simultaneous face plant on their desks reminded him that they really were related after all.
* * *
Spanner Today at 4:30 pm
Congratulations on your sudden increase in subscribers
Setsuna Today at 4:30 pm
Make no mistake. I will KICK you from this server
Spanner Today at 4:30 pm
I try to be nice and this is what I get in return
Takeshi Today at 4:32 pm
Still Tsuna, you have to admit he brought in quite a few views
Hana Today at 4:32 pm
The wonders that a handsome hitman will do for your channel
Setsuna Today at 4:33
What god did I anger in my past life to deserve this?
@Hayato if you ever find proof of hostile life from beyond the stars, please direct them my way so I can die
Hayato Today at 4:34
Principessa please don’t request that of me…
Takeshi Today at 4:34
Yeah Tsuna, if you die, we would all be sad
Setsuna Today at 4:34
Cowards. @Chrome You’re my only hope
Chrome Today at 4:34
Do it yourself and perish you craven
Setsuna Today at 4:35
Shoichi Today at 4:35
Spanner Today at 4:36
Setsuna Today at 4:36
I feel. So betrayed?
Hibari Today at 4:37
Fledgling get off the server and finish your papers
Setsuna Today at 4:37
Hibari Today at 4:37
Setsuna Today at 4:37
Ah, I can feel his glare from the other side of the DC room
Okay fine I’m getting off now (I don’t wanna die by tonfa)
Hana Today at 4:45
As if Hibari would ever hurt her.
Spanner Today at 4:45
¥5,000 that he loses patience for her to notice by the end of the year
Hana Today at 4:46
By Winter vacation at most
Shoichi Today at 4:46
Guys… you realize she can see this?
Hana Today at 4:48
Your point being?
Shoichi Today at 4:48
Fair I suppose…
* * *
At 6 pm Setsuna stood up from the couch and stretched her arms out above her.
“Done!” She said with a heavy sigh “And just in time too.”
“You would have finished them earlier if you weren’t on the server.” The Prefect in front of her pointed out.
“Alright listen, not all of us have a single-minded dedication to our work like you Kyoya-kun.” She said looking offended. “Now are you coming with me or not? Takeshi said his dad is making dinner tonight to celebrate Shoichi and Spanner winning that robotics competition.”
He didn’t say anything, but hearing his footsteps following her was all that Setsuna needed to know.
“Oh? Heading home now?” A deep voice called from the teacher’s room and Setsuna sent a silent apology to whatever deity whose shrine she had burned down in another life.
“None of your business.” She bit back as Reborn fell into step beside her.
“You’re the sister of my idiot student, everything is my business, it’s in my contract.”
He smirked in return, a dark and alluring look that had sent half the girls in class this morning into a hormonal sea of drooling fantasies. It had been a terrifying sight.
“Maybe, but you can’t prove that.”
“Fledgling.” Suddenly Kyoya was by her side and his hand had taken a hold of her wrist. “Hurry or the pack will leave without you.”
Then she was being pulled down the hall by an irritated Prefect, Reborn easily keeping stride just behind them.
“She’s late,” Hana muttered as she checked her watch. Beside her Chrome adjusted her eyepatch, nonchalantly shifting her body weight to the heels of her feet.
“She probably had to wake Hibari-senpai up.”
“Yeah, Kyoya-senpai can be a grumpy riser,” Yamamoto said with a grin, how he and Setsuna had ever befriended the bloodthirsty prefect Hana would never understand. Especially up to the point that they were close enough with him to call him by his first name.
Granted, Setsuna’s reason was easy to figure out to anyone who had eyes, but still… It was the origin story that counted.
“Oh, there they are!” Yamamoto swung his baseball bat over his shoulders. “And it looks like someone decided to follow along.”
“Is that Professor Reborn?” Chrome questioned.
“Great, another stray.” Hana sighed. “I swear she’s going to collect every weirdo in town one day.”
“Sorry I’m late, the Professor as you can see, decided to stalk us and Kyoya wanted to fight him when we got to the bottom floor.” As Sawada Setsuna apologized a girl watched from a distance as the other kids around her waved it off.
“Hibari wants to fight anything that gets within five feet of you.” Hana pointed out. The familiar scolding tone of her voice sent a pang through the girl. She missed it when she turned that voice to her, harsh yet a constant comfort.
“Oi Kyoko, what are you staring at?” A voice snapped Kyoko out of her daze, and she shot a smile to the boy ahead of her quickly walking to fall in beside him.
“Nothing Ienari-kun. I was just lost in thoughts.”
Ieanri rolled his eyes and linked his hand with hers.
“Don’t do that dummy, next thing you know you’ll end up walking into a stop sign or something.”
“Isn’t that what you did last time though?”
She giggled, but the sound quickly died down.
“Hey Ienari-kun," said gathering up the courage to ask him the question "why don’t you get along with your sister?”
He stopped walking, his lips thinning, and she winced as the grip on her hand tightened.
“Don’t bring her up Kyoko, I told you that.” His voice was hollow, cold. Kyoko could only nod.
“Good now let’s go.” And his grip released slightly as he dragged her off back to her home.
I'm... crying? I didn't expect you guys to like this with my shitty sense of humor. So that you for indulging and validating my petty sense of wit and sarcasm.
As always I love and appreciate all comments!
A few things about this AU:
-So Hibari may seem a bit softer in this, that's because in this AU he's been friends with Setsuna and Yamamoto since childhood.
-Yamamoto may be surprising but he and Setsuna came as a packaged pair.
-Hibari calls Setsuna by name only when he's serious or about to chain her down to do her work. Honestly, he's probably more internally dead than Setsuna because he's the only one that actually has power over her.
-He has claimed her since middle school, not that she would know it (She is a dense idiot when it comes to romantic feelings and honestly who the hell would logically ever think Hibari Kyoya has feelings for them that go beyond tolerance?)
-Kyoko is dating Ienari and this caused a rift between her and Hana. They're still friends but don't hang out as much as she would like
-Fuuta is already in this as you may have guessed. Setsuna found him at the park like in the canon timeline and rescued him with Hibari. Her mom took him in and through the magic of anime, crack fiction, and Iemitsu being an idiot who does NOT look at his documents properly even when sent by his wife, he is now her adopted brother
-Chrome is a runaway who lives with Yamamoto and his dad, she lost sight in her eye after an incident with her mom that she doesn't talk about
Chapter 4: We Stan
These kids should not be allowed to have access to the internet, and Reborn is more up to date on generational humor then Setsuna thought...
I am a failure of a Gen Z and only know outdated humor and memes. Don't kill me.
Also as always, comments feed my writing spirit and infernal void where my soul used to be
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
How am I Even Still Alive?
Spanner once told me that Death approaches at a constant rate. It’s inescapable and looming closer and closer despite what we would personally plead.
Would appreciate it approaching a little faster.
Really at this point how I’m still alive is left a mystery even to me, because I’m pretty sure that death by shame is an option as well. Also, to those of you asking for my brother’s demon tutor to become a regular on my channel please go an-
Setsuna glared as a hand closed her laptop screen and a half-empty cup of coffee was thrust underneath her nose.
“You brewed it,” Reborn said as if he had just discovered she'd committed some sort of crime against humanity.
“Excuse me?” She narrowed her eyes, unsure if this was a mind game or if he really only noticed just today that she knew how to use the coffee machine.
“The coffee. You brewed it.”
“Yes, in case you haven’t realized my energy levels for the day start off in the negatives.” If she didn’t have at least two cups, to begin with, she was half dead to the world and all its inhabitants.
“You brewed it the first day I arrived?”
“And your mother the days after.”
“I don’t have time for it every morning.” She explained. “Besides mama’s coffee is perfectly fine.”
The Hitman simply sniffed then took a seat across from her. “From now on, brew my coffee.” Dear lord, he had said the word ‘brew’ so many times it barely even sounded like a word to her anymore.
“Do it yourself.” She snipped.
“It won’t be as good.”
“Congratulations on admitting to being inferior to someone at something, but still no.”
“I’ll bring over Gokudera from Italy as a transfer.”
She paused and gave a long, suffering sigh. “You’re horrible.”
He smirked at her. “I’m a hitman.” And really that was all the explanation that was ever needed.
* * *
Really Reborn would have brought over Gokudera anyways, he was a potential candidate for the Vongola Storm position, a bastard son with everything to prove to a family that thought him too weak for their lifestyle as Mafia. Really a perfect option.
Which is why while he wished he could say he was surprised by Gokudera’s refusal, but he really wasn’t.
“I’m sorry Signor Reborn, but if the offer to travel to Japan hinges on me being the Storm Guardian of the new Decimo candidate I’ll have to decline.” A beat of silence passed over the line. “I’ve already pledged my allegiance to a Sawada, and they aren’t him.”
“I know,” Reborn said, resisting the urge to sigh. “But come anyway, I made a deal, which I never go back on, and at the very least it gives you an escape.” He didn’t say who he would be escaping from, but it was obvious to them.
A week later Gokudera Hayato is transferring into the twins’ class. Three days after that a new video is up on Setsuna’s channel.
A Real Person After All! (Proof Gokudera is not an online sentient code or Eldritch Horror Feat. Gokudera IN PERSON)
Reborn would admit, seeing the silverette in a half-mask that looked like it came out of Phantom of The Opera stuttering through a video with his idolized ‘Principessa’ made the trouble alone worth it.
“Did your nephew really leave the unconscious bodies of her bullies at her doorstep when they were in elementary?” Reborn asked Fon as he looked up from the video on his phone.
Bodies for the Winter (How I Bonded with a Carnivorous Skylark/Catperson)
It was a strange title, but sadly fitting for what he had just learned. He would never admit to being growing addicted to Setsuna’s channel, but he could say that he appreciated the perpetual aura of ‘If you’re not here to end me then fuck off’ she seemed to radiate. Maybe it was a generational thing.
Fon coughed lightly into his sleeve.
“It was a habit he picked up from his mother.” Was all he said
“As in your little sister.”
“The Hibari family views it as endearing.”
“Your sister and her son, leave corpses at the doorstep of people of interest as gifts.”
“Kyoya hadn’t killed them at that point.”
“I’m not hearing any denial.”
He had never seen Fon look so defeated in his life. He only wished he had a camera to savor it. Maybe he would swipe one of Setsuna’s for future use.
* * *
“REBORN!!!!” Setsuna watched as her brother sprang up with a flame on his head, yelling something about lost dignity and sprinting out of the kitchen window in a pair of dark blue boxers, because clearly the doorway had yet to be invented.
Sighing she took a sip from her cup of tea and pulled up an app on her computer.
Setsuna Today at 10:30 am
Lost, 17-year-old boy with dark blonde hair and the personality of a trashcan
Last seen running from home lit on fire dressed in navy blue boxers
If found, do not return. Please keep him or ship him off to Madagascar
Hayato Today at 10:30 am
That’s a mood
Takeshi Today at 10:30 am
He got shot again?
Setsuna Today at 10:31 am
I think at this point Reborn does it to relieve frustrations
Shoichi Today at 10:31 am
That is both terrifying and somewhat understandable
And the fact that I find myself relating to that scares me even more
Takeshi Today at 10:31 am
Congrats Shoichi, you’re one of us
Shoichi Today at 10:31 am
Thanks. I hate it
Takeshi Today at 10:32 am
Hana Today at 10:32 am
What a short-tempered drama queen
Spanner Today at 10:32 am
We stan a drama queen whose outlets gives us blackmail
Hibari Today at 10:33 am
Fledgling your kin was found fighting Mochida in a pair of boxers at Namimori gym.
He shall promptly be bitten to death.
Setsuna Today at 10:34 am
Mochida or Ienari?
Actually I don’t care
Send a video?
Hibari Today at 10:37 am
Hibari-san asked for me to film and send this to you
Setsuna Today at 10:37 am
We stan Hibari Kyoya who will get Kusakabe to film his victim’s suffering
Chrome Today at 10:37 am
I just stan whoever named that file
Takeshi Today at 10:38 am
Honestly Kyoya-senpai probably shouted out the title in the midst of fighting like “This is your suffering”
And Kusakabe probably went with it
Hayato Today at 10:38 am
I can’t decide if that means I need to complement the Skylark or the second half of his daily impulse control
Setsuna Today at 10:39 am
Who’s his first half?
Hayato Today at 10:41 am
Principessa… please don’t…
Hana Today at 10:41 am
Though some would also say she’s an enabler more than control device
Setsuna Today at 10:41 am
Ah damn, the tutor is coming downstairs.
Mama is out shopping, so I have to babysit the disaster
Takeshi Today at 10:43 am
I almost feel bad for Kyoya-senpai
Hana Today at 10:43 am
Anyone who leaves the bodies of 7-year olds at a girl’s doorstep as a courting gift deserves to have a bit of a hard time
Takeshi Today at 10:43 am
I mean, he was only nine and there were 3 of them.
It was a fair fight
Hana Today at 10:44 am
It was Hibari Kyoya
Spanner Today at 10:45 am
Shoichi Today at 10:45 am
Chrome Today at 10:45 am
Hayato Today at 10:45 am
Think long and hard about what you typed sword freak
Takeshi Today at 10:46 am
* * *
“So, was it a lesson or punishment?” Setsuna asked as she rummaged through the kitchen fridge for lunch.
“Both.” Reborn replied from behind her.
“What was his regret?”
“Something about a student looking at his girlfriend.”
Setsuna pulled out a bowl of leftover curry. “Oh, Sasagawa-san. She’s a nice girl, cute and sweet, still, don’t know what she sees in my brother.”
“Are you sure that’s not just because you’re siblings?” Reborn questioned her as she put the bowl in the microwave.
“Reborn, look me in the eye and name the traits that would attract you to him if you were a girl.” He scoffed at that
“If I were a girl, I wouldn’t be considering such low-ranking admirers in the first place.”
“I forgot to add in the clause of being a decent person and not such a diva.” She muttered under her breath as she stood on her tiptoes to get a bowl out of the cabinet.
God, she hated dish day. All the easy to reach bowls had been used and were in the washer, leaving her to take on the perilous task of reaching for the shelves that stretched higher than her height of 5’4. Even if she was taller than most Japanese girls, she wasn’t tall enough to reach a damn bowl without a footstool.
“Stupid genes, the one thing that useless father could have contributed was his height.” She grumbled. “Women in Italy are supposedly 5’6 but I got the short end of the stick.”
“You do realize that you’re more Japanese than Italian?” Reborn questioned from where he was now leaning against the kitchen counter. “That fact that you have an extra three inches is a miracle.”
“Shut up. Ienari has an extra six and he’s still going to continue growing.”
“Look there’s only one thing I need to know about biology.” She said as she resigned herself to grabbing the pink footstool her other kept in the corner. “And height restrictions aren’t it.”
“What would that be then?”
Setsuna paused and stared Reborn straight into his eyes. “Did you know that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell?”
There was silence for a minute, as they continued to keep eye contact. Onyx black against soft brown.
Then Leon transformed into a gun.
She had never asked if Reborn kept up with pop culture or anything of the like, but from the number of bullets she had to dodge, she figured someone he worked with did.
She planned to send them a gift basket if she ever met them in person.
Kyoya and his mom basically offering prey to people they like is an imitation of cat-like behavior and inspired by a discord chat I had with Chex_Nix. Feel free to check them out, they also do some great KHR fanfic and just started a Digimon crossover.
Also, I tweaked fem!Tsuna's height a bit, just because I think it fits her 'presence' more if that makes sense.
Iemitsu is apparently fricken 6'2. The least he can do is pass some of the height down to his kids