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are you there cas? it's me, dean.

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dean was in his room. the bunker was empty, sam on a supply run. 

he was kneeling next to his bed. he was doing something he hadn't done in a while. 

dean was praying. to cas. 

"cas?" he started, his hands clasped together tightly, elbows resting on his mattress. "it's me- dean.

"i don't know if you ca hear me, but i hope you can." he paused. he screwed his eyes closed.

"i know," he spoke again, searching for the right words. "i know i've been a dick to you lately. and i know there's no excuse. i just- i suck. i suck at this- at us, whatever we are. whatever's been going on between us." he laughed dryly. "i'm awful with feelings- but i'm trying. to get better." for you gets left unsaid. 

"you left days ago, cas.... and i-" fuck. "i miss you. so much more than i thought i would. i'm not okay, cas. when you're gone. i'm just... not right.

"when i left you in purgatory, i didn't understand why that hurt so bad. i thought i failed you- it felt like i should've tried harder to get you out of there. or i shouldn't have left you." he inhaled shakily. "and, man. when you died. it felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest. i couldn't even-" he paused, his voice getting thick and tears beginning to well in his eyes. "i couldn't even say it. 

"i carried you inside. i-" a tear slid down his cheek. "it was worse than hell, cas. so much worse." his voice was starting to break. 

"and now- i'm losing you again. and it's my own damn fault. i screwed us up. i blamed you for things i shouldn't have. for- for my mom. for jack-" more tears fell. he wiped them away with the back of his hand hastily. "for everything. and i shouldn't have."

dean started crying more fully. he had to stop speaking for a few long moments to catch his breath and slow his sobs. 

"i'm sorry. i'm so sorry, castiel. for all of it. you- you're it for me, cas. i'm putting all my cards on the table. i'm tearing down the walls i tried so hard to keep up. you've seen my soul before, but now i'm showing you my heart. i- i need you. and i need you to need me. i'd rather go back to hell before losing you again. 

"i love you, cas. please- please just come back to me."

 

the blue eyed angel was standing quietly in the doorway, watching the righteous man break down into tears again. tears were falling silently down castiel's face, but he didn't care. as soon as he'd heard dean's voice calling out to him, he returned as quickly as possible. 

the man he loved was bearing his heart to him, putting himself out in the open. dean was being so vulnerable. it just made cas love him even more. 

cas wanted so desperately to cross the threshold into the room ad hold dean, to tell him he was never leaving again so long as dean didn't want him to. but he didn't want to intrude or cross a line. 

so he opted to a light knock on the door. 

 

dean was expecting it to be sam knocking unexpectedly on his open door. he rushed to wipe the tear stains from his face and stand up. the last thing he expected was to meet the icy blue irises of the angel he was just praying to. tears welled in his eyes once more and his lips parted in surprise. "cas." it was so quiet, he wasn't sure he even said anything. 

"dean, i-" dean already had his arms around cas, hugging him like a lifeline. and if you had asked him, he would say that cas was his lifeline. his eyes were screwed shut, like if he opened them, cas would be gone. but he felt cas's arms around him, holding him just as tightly. he felt cas's chin in his shoulder. he could smell cas, he could feel cas. his one hand was gripping the tan trench coat so tightly his knuckles were turning white, while his other was making direct contact with cas, sliding through the dark hair on the back of his head. 

dean pulled away, bringing his hands to rest on either side of cas's face. "i'm sorry." his voiced wavered in a whisper. he kept switching his eyes between both of cas's, unable to decide which to focus on. 

"i know." cas whispered back. he pulled the taller man back into a hug, his arms wrapping securely around dean's middle. they were holding each other so tightly, it would be painful if it wasn't so heavenly. 

 

in the hall, sam was partying silently. dean and cas were okay. 

 

they were okay.