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The Voices In My Head

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It's been hours since school ended. He hasn't bothered to do his homework. He hasn't bothered to do anything

He lay on his bed, chest heavy, even if he can feel his binder breaking each bone of his ribs. It wasn't flat enough. He felt his underwear and pants rub against his lower area. His vagina. And the moment the word came into his mind he felt like he wanted to puke, the dysphoria taking its roots and digging them into his stomach, voices of his thoughts stabbing him over and over. He hadn't eaten at all that day. Voices of his parents and friends saying “Soojin! Soojin!” “Your daughter is so beautiful!” “You're such a powerful woman!” “Yeah, she's so talented!” echo in his head. Why did he have to be born like this? Why did he have to be born a girl? Why couldn’t he just be normal? Be comfortable? Be a boy?

The door slamming shut and a call of “Babe? I brought snacks!” snapped him out of his thoughts. Woojin let out a little chuckle, but then touched a hand to his chest and the little smile he had for the split second faded.

Chan knocked on the door with a “Jinnie? May I come in?” and Woojin let out a grunt of yes. Chan set a large bag of chips and a glass of water on the nightstand and climbed in his bed.

“Babe, I saw you earlier at school, I know you haven't eaten today. I know you're hurting, but you have to eat something,” he rapped his limbs around the older in a cuddle. “If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me?”

Woojin grunted again, not wanting to hear his voice. Too high, too girly, he thought. Regardless to the digging of the roots in the stomach, he picked up the bag of chips and ate a few chips, setting the bag down on the nightstand.

A few minutes past in comfortable silence, but war in Woojin’s head. Chan's presence seemed to numb him in a way. The voices sounded a room over, rather than they were stabbing him in the stomach.

30 more minutes pass. Woojin finally feels fine enough to talk.

“You still love me, right? Even when I’m like this?” Chan’s eyes widened in shock and sadness at the statement.

“Babe, I’ll always love you. You're such a beautiful man. Everyone has down moments, breakdown moments, and no matter how often you have them, I'll help you through it. I know I don't know what it feels like, and I never will, but I will always be here for you. You’re the most handsome boyfriend, the kindest man, the most beautiful boy. Your parts don't make you, and I love you for the boy you are.”

A few tears slipped down Woojin’s face. Somehow Chan always knew what to say, to make him feel better.

The voices are underwater now, ya know drown your demons? But he knows they'll be back soon.

For the moment, everything is okay. Everything will be okay. For the moment, it's all he needs.