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all we do is think about the feelings we hide

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When Pepper Potts—or is it Pepper Stark?—decided to show up at their door unannounced, Bucky panicked. Bucky just stared at the women in front of him. She looked smaller than the last time he saw her in the battle. She looked ... open. 


"Hi, Ma'am. Mind going in?" said Sam because he was, definitely, not the goddamn idiot that just stared at her and looking like a kicked puppy.


"Hi, Sam. Just Pepper, please." She offered them a small smile. "Actually, I just wanted to give this to you." She handed Sam an envelope. Sam looked at her for a moment before receiving it slowly.


"Are you sure, Ma— Pepper? I mean, we know that we don't have a really good first impression and after the whole—"


Pepper gave them a bigger smile before cutting Sam off. "It's okay. Don't mind it. He wrote that he wants to have you both there." She looked at Bucky shortly at that before looking at Sam again. "Please, everyone is going to come."


"Even Nick Fury?"


Pepper chuckled at that. "Even Fury."


Sam and Bucky shared a look and then just stared at the envelope. Sam is the first one to snap out of it. He looked determined when he said it. "Okay then."


Pepper lifted her eyebrows up. "Okay?"


Sam nodded. "Okay."


Her face seemed to get a little brighter after Sam's answered—Bucky didn't understand what is the enjoyment to see them there, to see him there. "I will see you both there."


After they shared goodbyes, Sam and Bucky just stood there, staring at the envelope until Sam broke the silence. "Are you okay?" And, honest to god, Bucky glared at Sam. 


"Are you really the one asking me, 'Are you okay?'. Shouldn't it be me? Are you okay?" Bucky asked, still holding his glare at Sam while the latter just shrugged. 


"Well, I guess I should be the one who said something first to snapped you out because you just stared like Pepper is a ghost." And, Bucky swore, he could see a little smirk at Sam's face when he walked into their apartment.


"Well, it could be, seeing what was her intention coming to our little apartment just to deliver that," Bucky pointed at the envelope, "She could pay someone to do that." He closed the door and followed Sam.


Sam stopped at his track for a moment before saying, "Our apartment isn't little."


"That's—" Bucky stopped too because he wasn't ready for that kind of response. "It's not what I am trying to—"


Bucky stopped again because he could see the smug smirk at Sam's face. He knew that little joke was probably what Bucky needs now and he really hated him for knowing that. 


"Yeah, I know, man," Sam said lightly as he put the envelope on their kitchen counter. "You want some coffee before we talked about this?"


Bucky's mouth curled up as what could be describe as a frown. "I don't think that I want to talk about this." And he really didn't. Because talking about this, about Stark, this whole blip—okay who the hell suggested that name 'cause it sounds so terrible—thing, is the topic that they were both avoiding this whole week and then Pepper Potts showed up in front of their apartment and decided to invite them both. To Stark's funeral.


Yeah. Great.


Sam put down a glass full of coffee in front of Bucky and him and then sit down. Bucky had no choice but to sit down with him. He still had the frown in his face. Showing that he really didn't want to do this.


"Cheer up a little." Sam's smirk changed to a small, sad smile. It's not like he wanted to talk about it too. But, he thinks, that this is the time.


"I just—" Bucky started, "—I haven't even apologized to him about ... his parents." Bucky looked down at his coffee. His right hand gripping the handle but not lifting it to his mouth. Just staring. "I know that it wasn't me and all that shit but it still was me, my hands, that kill ... them. It's an unbearable thought, I supposed."


Bucky looked up again to Sam. "You know, I am not the only one who get a problem when Stark is mentioned." Again, Sam just shrugged and went quiet for a really long time.


"When something triggers your trauma, you don't like it being talked," he said. "When I have to watch someone fall out from the sky again, my mind just said, 'Maybe this is a curse. Maybe this is your fault.' and I believed it for a really long time, you know?" 


Honestly, Bucky probably rather went to the chamber again than hearing Sam with that sad tone. 


"Or maybe, I am just being a dramatic little shit, you know," offered him while shrugging, again.


Bucky stared at him for a moment then said, "You are not."


And Sam smiled a little at that.


"I am not?"


This time, Bucky smiled back.


"You are not."