Diary entry #1
27 Nov 2019
Kai. I was sitting on my bed, on my phone doing typical teenager things, being bored and whatnot, when I suddenly remembered something you once told me a long time ago. You’ve always said that keeping a personal journal or a diary is a good thing to have. So, here I am. Pen in hand and cheap notebook I bought from the dollar store on my lap.
To be very honest with you, I don’t have much to say. At least for right now. I was never the talkative one, you know that. But I know you’d appreciate me stepping out of my comfort zone and writing this stupid diary...Okay I apologize, it’s not stupid it’s just...new. Different? I don’t know. I don’t particularly enjoy it that much. But I also don’t hate it?
Alright, I think this is where I’ll end my first diary entry at.
Diary entry #2
05 Dec 2019
Hi, again. I’m surprised I’m still doing this, I was never good at commitment. Anyways, it’s my birthday and I never realized how much I looked forward to my birthday every year because of you. Now, everthing feels a lot quieter than they used to be. Was the sky always this sad, depressing blue kind of color? Maybe I’m finally going crazy. When I’m lying on my bed and I close my eyes, listening intently, the world outside sounds so dead. Don’t you think so, too?
Diary Entry #3
Dec 24 2019
I’ll be honest, I was avoiding opening this diary again. But it is Christmas Eve. Christmas was your favorite holiday, wasn’t it? It’s usually the case for most people. But your reasons for liking Christmas is very different from most people. I think I remember you saying something about how everywhere you go, you saw lights and sparkles and music. And now that I think about it, I can understand how you felt. Although, I only ever felt like I was seeing sparkles and hearing music in my ears when I was anywhere near you. I wonder if you felt the same when you were with me. I think you must’ve had. Or at least I like to think that you had. You always smiled at me the same way you smiled when you saw people hanging Christmas decorations outside of their houses, or when you heard the first Christmas song play from the radio, or when you smiled because the sugar cookies you baked came out pefect and not burnt like the cookies you baked for last year’s fundraiser.
I’m sorry. I don’t think I’ll write for a long time after this. So with that, Merry Christmas, Kai.
I hope you still see sparkles and hear music.
Diary Entry #4
20 Jan 2020
Mom is trying to get me to see a therapist. Apparrently, she thinks I’ve been closed off from the world and keep everything in me bottled up. She says I seem “distant” and “out of touch with reality” lately. But I’m not going to see a doctor. I think she’s just overreacting. I know she’s concerned with my behaviors and cares for me like any other mothers normally would but I don’t need to see a therapist.
Diary Entry #5
14 Feb 2020
It’s Valentines. I bought you flowers. Roses actually. I’ve never bought flowers for anyone. I hope you like them.
Diary Entry #6
21 May 2020
Hi, Kai. It’s been awhile. I’m sorry I haven’t been writing much. Senior year is coming to an end and I’ve been pretty busy with college admissions. But that’s not the only thing I wanted to talk about.
Recently, I met someone. His name’s Yeonjun. He’s a boy I met during a college orientation I went to. He’s really nice. Kind of intimidating at first, but nice. We’ve been chatting with each other for almost a month now. I hope this lead somewhere but at the same time...I don’t know.
Diary Entry #7
25 May 2020
We kissed. It was outside my parent’s house, under the stars, and all that romantic crap. We kissed. And I liked it. It was good.
I just don’t know why but all of a sudden I started missing you. After the kiss had ended, I remembered our late night phone calls, the sound of your voice falling to a whisper as you would be on the verge of drifting to sleep, and how you fought desperately to stay awake but would eventually let sleep win at the end. I also remembered the nights we would attempt finding constellations in the sky and our guesses were most likely wrong but it was fun acting like astrology nerds even though neither of us knew shit about stars and outer space. I simply couldn’t get you out of my head. God damn it, Kai. I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
Diary Entry #8
12 June 2020
So, I went to see a therapist today. It wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be. I’m also on meds so there's that. I’m supposed to take these happy pills once a day and it’s supposed to make up for lost endorphins that my brain isn’t producing enough of.
Let’s see how long this’ll last.
Diary Entry #9
30 June 2020
We talked about you today at my therapy session. I mentioned about how fast the car was going that we hardly even saw it coming in the first place. I told her that I blamed myself for wanting to go see a movie that night. I told her that I blamed myself for picking that night to watch the new Avengers and inviting you to come watch with me. I blamed myself for meeting you for the first time in sophomore year of high school and I blamed myself for not walking away.
Because maybe if I did, you would still be here right now and I wouldn’t be here, awake at two in the morning, in my bed, writing to you on paper wishing I never met you in the first place.
Diary Entry #10
03 July 2020
My therapist says that I need to find some way of letting you go. A way to say my final goodbyes. And then after that, I can move on. Of course, I won’t ever forget you. I could never forget you. But I do need to let you go. And this is me letting you go.
Kai. I will always miss you. I will miss you everyday and I will miss you on tuesday mornings where I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed all day. I will miss you in every waking second of every day I’m alive and I will miss you in my far away dreams. I will miss you with every cell in my body and I will miss you from the pit of my stomach. I will miss you so achingly much, I will miss you until forever. I will miss you forever until forever ends and I will still miss you so.
Kai, I love you so much. I will love you even when the stars collide and even when the world is on fire. I will love you like it was yesterday and I will love you in the next hour, the next minute, the very next second.
I will love you even when you may not know, or if you may have forgetten, and I will love you again.
Diary Entry #11
04 August 2020
Hello, Kai. Today, my therapist and I discussed something about a coping mechanism. I told her that I’ve been writing these little diary entries and she thinks that it’s a good idea. She also mentioned how I could also write poems in these entries since I also told her before that I like to write stories and poetry in my free time. She thinks you’d like them. I think so, too.
So, I wrote one for you on the bus drive back home. Don’t laugh, yeah?
i hated you
but loved you most
for all the flaws & imperfections
you hated about yourself
and hated you for that
for that is what
made you different
and it was the different
that i loved
-i hope someday i can see you again
Diary Entry #12
14 Aug 2020
Today’s your birthday, so I wrote another poem for you. I hope you like your present. Oh, and, happy eigthteen birthday. I also left more flowers for you. This time, they’re poppies.
i've never seen anything more beauitful
take a sip of your skin
dances across every inch of you
envious of your radiance
addicted to your core
even Leo's arrogant moon
can't help but agree
you are a beauty
that deserves to be preserved
with the rest of the stars
sharing the same universe
but ruling your own galaxy
-just look at you
Diary Entry #13
26 Aug 2020
"dont look at me like that," i said
as your eyes shapes itself into crescent moons
nose scrunched up
& lips stretched out in an impossibly wide grin
-i missed the way you looked at me
Diary Entry #14
07 Sept 2020
Kai, guess what? I went on a date with this girl (oh, and if you’re wondering about what happened with Yeonjun, we broke up. Turned out, things didn’t work out for us in the end. But we’re still really good friends.) Anyways, she’s sweet and nice and really pretty. You know, the kind of girl you’d bring home to meet your mother. The date went really well but...I’m scared, Kai. I’m afraid this thing we have going on between us is going to end up really badly. And I don’t think I’m physically nor mentally and emotionally prepare to suffer from another heartbreak. However, I think you’d say that my chances at happiness is worth more than the doubts and worries that unfairly consumes me.
I’ve written you another poem last week but haven’t really gotten the time to write it down on here yet. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to write more poems in the future. I hope you don’t mind. But I’ll try.
i want to experience all five senses with you
so when you hold my hands
i'll feel my fingertips tremble beneath yours
my eyes will not help but bathe itself in saltwater
and you'll hear them wail & scream
trying desperately to sketch your face into memory
you will pull me close
allowing me to inhale the faint
yet all too familiar scent of lavender
reminding me of when we'd use to lie in bed together
sharing midnight thoughts and kisses
with the moon as our only witness
you will take what's left of me with one last kiss
while i'll be too occupied tasting
the sweetness & warmth of our memories
but the bitterness of nothing more than a lost future
finally, I'll see all the puzzles you've ever given me
begin to crumble
p i e c e
p i e c e
-As much as you belong with the stars, I wish you were right here with me
Diary Entry #15
16 March 2028
Kai, it’s me. Soobin. How are you doing? Fine, I hope. I’m doing good myself. I just got married to that girl I was telling you about almost eight years ago. Do you remember that? That felt like such a long time ago. Crazy, right? Even I still can’t believe it.
Anyways, I should get going now before my wife notice the tears in my eyes.
Diary Entry #16
22 Oct 2032 (31)
Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Guess what?
I’m having a baby!!!! (not me, obviously, BUT MY WIFE IS!!)
The doctor says that it’s too soon to tell its gender but I think it’s going to be a girl. Don’t you think?
Oh! I have to go now. Until next time, Kai. I’ll be sure to let you know the gender of the baby when I can as soon as possible. Bye, for now.
Diary Entry #17
29 Dec 2032
IT’S A GIRL!!!!!!!
Diary Entry #18
27 April 2045
Today is the anniversary of your death. There were a lot of flowers left for you by friends and family when I went to visit your grave. I also brought my family along. I wish you could meet them. Our little girl, Hana, she's really cute. I got you daffodils today. My wife said that to her, they’re the most saddest flowers but they symbolize rebirth and new beginnings. I hope you like them. And my family.
Do you think they hear music, too?
Diary Entry #19
25 Jan 2082
I promised that I'd try to write you another poem. Sorry that it took this long for me to keep my promise. But I didn't forget about you, Kai. I never once did.
Kiss me with all your hopes and dreams
Until I’m covered from head to toe
With glitter and stardust—painting my body a galaxy beneath
Tuck me to sleep with the promise of tomorrow and
Paint me with the beauty of your eyes
As you watch me spiral inevitably down the dark rabbit hole of imagination I envision in my head
My vision fading away to dreams
Dreams of only one thing
Diary Entry #19
01 May 2082
I’m going to die. Soon. Which is why this may be the last entry I write. Kai, love, my life has been filled with so much love and happiness. A lot of that love and happiness came from you. And just when I thought I’d never find happiness and experience love again, life threw a curveball at me and showed mercy on my poor soul. I just wanted to say that I will still miss you until forever and I will continue missing you quietly until for eternity.
Love, I hope someday i can see you again.