Work Header

ok boomer

Chapter Text

dazai osamu has created a chat

dazai osamu has added chuuya nakahara, atsushi nakajima, and ryuunosuke akutagawa to the chat

chuuya nakahara: i’m not even gonna ask how you got my number

dazai osamu has named the chat [and then there were four]

atsushi nakajima: dazai-san not again please

dazai osamu has changed their name to [masosamu]

masosamu: after i went through so much to get both akutagawa and chuuya’s new phone numbers?

masosamu: this is the thanks i get?

masosamu: also don’t tell kunikida

atsushi nakajima: i’m going tell kunikida-san

masosmu: ok rip me i guess

chuuya nakahara: listen you waste of bandages

chuuya nakahara: what part of ‘me changing my phone number so you can leave me alone’ don’t you get?

masosamu has changed chuuya nakahara’s name to chuuhchuu

chuuchuu: i’m going to strangle you stupid bitch


chuuchuu has left [and then there were four]

masosamu has added chuuchuu back to [and then there were four]

chuuchuu: i guess i have to change my number yet again

masosamu: i’ll still find you though


chuuchuu: but if you mess with akutagawa again

chuuchuu: i’ll pulverize you

masosamu: when did i ever

chuuchuu: not only did i have to change my phone number

chuuchuu: i had to change his too

chuuchuu: because you wouldn’t stop sending him memes at 3 in the morning

masosamu: y'all can’t take a joke smh

ryuunosuke akutagawa: i appreciate your defense on my part chuuya-san

masosamu: and he speaks

ryuunosuke akutagawa: of course i do 

ryuunosuke akutagawa: i just choose to selectively ignore you and your whims

masosamu has changed ryuunosuke akutagawa’s name to [angst_incarnate]

chuuchuu: what did i just say

masosamu: i’d find you intimidating if you weren’t 5'3

chuuchuu: ok you’ve done it now


angst_incarnate has changed their name back to [akutagawa] 

masosamu: that’s so boring

akutagawa: did i ask you for your opinion?

masosamu: now is that any way to talk to your former mentor?

akutagawa: try me bitch

atsushi nakajima: is this possible? 

atsushi nakajima: akutagawa has a sense of humor?

akutagawa: oh wow look what the cat's dragged in

atsushi nakajima: haha look a cat joke so original


chuuchuu: akutagawa we talked about this

chuuchuu: remember what you’ve learned in your anger management classes

akutagawa: mom please

atsushi nakajima: you have anger management classes?


chuuchuu: control your kids you good for nothing bastard

masosamu: since when are they my kids?

chuuchuu: since you fucking took both of them in at some point of their lives?

chuuchuu: which makes you their dad by default?

masosamu: um sorry no habla inglés

akutagawa: running away again dad?

akutagawa: like you did four years ago?

masosamu: have mercy son


masosamu: what’s pathetic is your username

masosamu has changed ryuunosuke akutagawa’s name to [angst_incarnate]

angst_incarnate: akutagawa wants to know your location

atsushi nakajima: he left you for me because i’m obviously a better son

masosamu has changed atsushi nakajima’s name to [koneko]

chuuchuu: he’s more like an ex than a dad at this point

angst_incarnate: you speak from experience, don’t you chuuya-san?


koneko: gosh it’s so sad

koneko: akutagawa spent four years pining after dazai-san and turns out he’s my daddy now

chuuchuu: you could’ve worded it differently but ok

angst_incarnate: but like he took my relationship with dazai and ended it

koneko: even if i did get with your boyfriend, it wouldn’t matter because i would’ve done it much better than you anyway

koneko: i’m going to beat you at everything you ever do for your entire life

koneko: you will always be uglier, older, disgusting–

angst_incarnate: ok you’re like covered in cheeto dust

chuuchuu: did you just quote catfish

koneko: what if we did

angst_incarnate: yeah what if we did

masosamu: i don’t know but i ship it

Chapter Text

[and then there were four]

koneko: um this is probably not the best place to ask but

koneko: i need help with homework

angst_incarnate: you still go to school??

koneko: so what??

angst_incarnate: needless to say

koneko: don’t test me you illiterate bitch

angst_incarnate: or what?

angst_incarnate: you’ll threaten me with another meme?

chuuchuu: ok enough you two

chuuchuu: akutagawa you need a bath

chuuchuu: and i can help out the kid

koneko: are you sure? it’s math 

chuuchuu: well shit

chuuchuu: let me get a drink before we do this

angst_incarnate: chuuya-sannnn why are you helping him??

chuuchuu: lesson one: don’t be like dazai

chuuchuu: don’t just promise to commit only to not commit to anything

masosamu: ok well damn

chuuchuu: perfect timing 

chuuchuu: akutagawa needs a bath

masosamu: what the fuck do i have anything to do with that

chuuchuu: lesson two: try to commit

chuuchuu: when you take in an orphan under your wing

chuuchuu: expect that you need to bathe them

chuuchuu: especially when you’ve convinced said orphan to hate baths because they’re an apparent weakness in the role they play in society

masosamu: i guess i gotta get the bubble bath ready now

chuuchuu: make sure it’s lavender scented and add some drops of eucalyptus oil

chuuchuu: it helps with his cough

chuuchuu: steam the room up a bit because the moisture soothes his throat and clears up his lungs

chuuchuu: he’s stubborn so you might have to scrub him down with some soap in the nooks and crannies

chuuchuu: no homo though

chuuchuu: also he has body lotion for his skin so make sure to rub that down on him too

masosamu: is he not like, a 20-year-old man who can do that himself??

chuuchuu: shut your mouth and go clean him

koneko: but you really remember all that??

chuuchuu: of course i do

chuuchuu: no matter how you look at it

chuuchuu: he’s still a kid

koneko: a kid who chopped off my leg but ok

angst_incarnate: shut up it grew back 

koneko: it still hurt you dumb asshole

chuuchuu: i’m gonna get my chancla if you two don’t fucking shut up

angst_incarnate: of course ma’m

chuuchuu: get into your bath ryuunosuke

chuuchuu: and nakajima let’s do your math or whatever

koneko: you sure?

chuuchuu: yeah but we’ll need another glass of wine after this because i’m fucking tired

chuuchuu: wait you’re 18 right?

chuuchuu: i guess we’ll go out for some ice cream with akutagawa once he has his bath

chuuchuu: you’ll behave, won’t you?

koneko: yes ma'm

chuuchuu: just call me chuuya kid

koneko: yes chuuya-san!

chuuchuu: ok just let’s get this over with

koneko: knock yourself out

chuuchuu: or i could go to the person who sent you home with this and threaten them to let you off with an A for effort?

koneko: you could but that’s illegal

chuuchuu: kid what i do for a living is illegal 

masosamu: is the great chuuya intimidated by trigonometry?

chuuchuu: it’s algebra dimwit

masosamu: that’s what i meant

chuuchuu: is akutagawa in the bath yet?

masosamu: we live in different apartments

chuuchuu: go to his or bring him to yours

masosamu: i think akutagawa would sooner rather impale me then let me bathe him

angst_incarnate: i second that

masosamu: see?

chuuchuu: ok fine

chuuchuu: do what you want dazai

chuuchuu: i’m taking them out for ice cream and you’re not welcome

masosamu: bUT akUTAGAWA wILL stAB ME IF I gO NEAR hIM

chuuchuu: see that’s your problem not mine

koneko: i should feel bad but dazai-san you had (1) job

masosamu: yeah but i’d probably die as a result

chuuchuu: lesson three: use your brain

chuuchuu: you have an ability that nullifies other abilities 

chuuchuu: and i thought you wanted to die anyway?

masosamu: well yeah but not like that

masosamu: i would like to die in my own bed, at the age of 80, with a bellyful of wine and a girl’s mouth around my-

chuuchuu: there will be no game of thrones references here thank you very much

koneko: i still need help with my homework

Chapter Text

[and then there were four]

masosamu: so chuuya

chuuchuu: no

masosamu: i didn’t even ask you the question yet

chuuchuu: even if you did i’d still say no

masosamu: ok then

chuuchuu: i’m busy 

chuuchuu: bother someone else 

masosamu: so akutagawa :D

angst_incarnate: thank u, next

masosamu: atsushi-kun?

koneko: dazai-san i’m just trying to sleep

masosamu: but it’s only 4 in the afternoon??

angst_incarnate: he’s part-feline, isn’t he?

angst_incarnate: cats like napping so i suppose he can’t help it when it comes to that sort of thing

koneko: look even this idiot gets it

angst_incarnate: keeping talking kitty 

koneko: what did you just call me?

angst_incarnate: what? has no one ever called you kitty?

koneko: not really no

angst_incarnate: dazai-san help

masosamu: oH nOW you want mY help??

angst_incarnate: hey he’s your son now deal with it

masosamu: you called him kitty

angst_incarnate: i retract that statement

koneko: pussy

angst_incarnate: funny wordplay bitch

masosamu has changed koneko’s username to [pussycat]

pussycat: dazai-san i swear i’ll block you

masosamu: the things we do for love

chuuchuu: stop with that game of thrones shit 

masosamu: as a wise man once said

masosamu: a lion does not concern himself with the opinion of sheep

chuuchuu: you know what

chuuchuu: i’m too sober for this

chuuchuu: i need a fucking glass of some 1858 cabernet sauvignon 

angst_incarnate: it’s on the top shelf of the pantry

angst_incarnate: but we’ve got somewhere to be by 8pm

angst_incarnate: so don’t get overly tipsy please

pussycat: or he can just mute the chat

chuuchuu: if i did

chuuchuu: then how would i know what that bastard is up to?

masosamu: i knew you cared chibi

chuuchuu: yeah sure

chuuchuu: last time i left you unsupervised

chuuchuu: you made akutagawa swallow Christmas lights because you thought he’d glow in the dark

pussycat: dazai-san you did what

masosamu: it was completely justified ok

chuuchuu: that and he almost suffocated on the amount of lights you stuffed in him

masosamu: he didn’t die though

chuuchuu: the doctors pulled out twenty-six inches of those lights

masosamu: we would’ve done more if you didn’t freak out and take him to the hospital

pussycat: that fact that dazai-san is trying to validate this

chuuchuu: now you see what i have to deal with

masosamu: whatever keep drinking your wine chibi

chuuchuu: that's what i do: i drink and i know things

masosamu: wait did you just

chuuchuu: dazai don’t talk out loud

chuuchuu: you lower the IQ of everyone here

pussycat: i actually understood that reference :D

angst_incarnate: of course you did loser

pussycat: Sherlock™ is a good show ok

angst_incarnate: i never said it wasn't

masosamu: oh wow you guys watch the same show what a coincidence

angst_incarnate: dazai-san is Anderson pass it on

pussycat: ok that’s valid

masosamu: sure go ahead and make references at my expense that i regrettably cannot understand 

masosamu: but don’t underestimate me

masosamu has changed angst_incarnate’s name to [sher_cock_hoe_lmes]

masosamu has changed pussycat’s name to [jizz_wank_son]

jizz_wank_son: dear god what is it like in your brain dazai-san

masosamu: "You know nothing, Jon Snow."

chuuchuu: well i’ll be needing that glass of wine now

Chapter Text

[and then there were four]

jizz_wank_son: so the appointment you guys said that you had at 8pm yesterday

jizz_wank_son: was actually a poker game with your boss?

sher_cock_hoe_lmes: i still can’t believe chuuya-san drunkenly mistook your number for mine and texted you all that

chuuchuu: in my defense i was fucking inebriated ok

jizz_wank_son: i mean i’m glad you’re fine now but i hope you never do something like that again

sher_cock_hoe_lmes: you didn’t have to respond to his texts blockhead

jizz_wank_son: yeah but i wasn’t going to miss out on the chance to see the port mafia at their lowest

masosamu: you only went because chibi said akutagawa was wearing booty shorts with fishnets and a crop top

jizz_wank_son: dazai-san

masosamu: yes dear protégé?

jizz_wank_son: keep talking unless you value your life

masosamu: since when have i valued my life, atsushi-kun?

masosamu: i thought you already knew that!

masosamu: so stop pretending you didn’t go just to see akutagawa, ok?

sher_cock_hoe_lmes has changed their name to [akutagawa_is_uncomfortable]

jizz_wank_son: look what you’ve done

masosamu: tell the truth?

jizz_wank_son has changed their name to [will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws]

masosamu: while we’re on this topic

masosamu: i’d love to know when you began dressing in such a manner akutagawa-kun :)

akutagawa_is_uncomfortable: chuuya-san help

chuuchuu: i’m curious too akutagawa

akutagawa_is_uncomfortable has changed their name to [akutagawa_is_very_uncomfortable]

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: i hate to be that person but

akutagawa_is_very_uncomfortable has left [and then there were four]

masosamu has added akutagawa_is_very_uncomfortable back to [and then there were four]

akutagawa_is_very_uncomfortable: i’m not getting out of this one, am i?

masosamu: nope

chuuchuu: no

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: nah

masosamu has changed the chat name to [akutagawa has something to say]

akutagawa_is_very_uncomfortable: i guess it’s because i’m gay or something

chuuchuu: oh honey

masosamu: i think we’re all a little bit gay akutagawa-kun

masosamu: there’s nothing wrong with that 

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: i’m surprised to hear that coming from you dazai-san

masosamu: i’m not heartless you know

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: i’ll check with akutagawa to confirm that statement

masosamu: after i took you in and gave you a job?? the disrespect

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: well as a result i've become akutagawa’s punching bag

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: and on the receiving end of his teenage angst which is mostly your fault :)

masosamu: wow ok

chuuchuu: the boy just came out and y'all made it about yourselves smh

masosamu: i was being supportive until atsushi-kun had to bully me

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: someone had to do it

chuuchuu: seriously?

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: i’m not apologizing

masosamu: whatever congrats akutagawa-kun 

akutagawa_is_very_uncomfortable: that sounded very sincere thank you

masosamu: sure anytime

masosamu: but on a better note i watched Sherlock™ :D

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: during your shift?

masosamu: no?

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: dazai-san

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: did you watch Sherlock™ during your shift at work?

masosamu: yes

masosamu: don’t tell kunikida please

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: only because i don’t want to bother him

masosamu: thank you atsushi-kun

masosamu: the show was great by the way

masosamu: mycloft was definitely my favorite by far

will_strangle_dazai_with_his_cute_paws: mycloft?

masosamu: that would be him yes :)

chuuchuu: i don’t know who kunikida is but i’ll be needing his phone number promptly

masosamu: wait you don’t know what he’s like chibi

chuuchuu: i think i have some idea yeah

masosamu: you’ve never even met him

chuuchuu: i know he’s got to be a saint to work with someone like you

masosamu: please

chuuchuu: begging is beneath you dazai

masosamu: then i’m done for

chuuchuu: well



ryuunosuke akutagawa has added atsushi nakajima to a new chat

ryuunosuke akutagawa: did you really just come over to see my outfit?

atsushi nakajima: well yes but no

atsushi nakajima: unless?