Actions

Work Header

Redneck Wizards

Work Text:

Redneck Wizards

Ever wonder if there are wizards on this side of the big pond? What about the American South? Could there actually be Redneck Wizards?

Redneck Wizards usually find themselves in big trouble, long before they are old enough to attend the Hightiders Skool of Witchcraft, Wizardry and Taxidermy. It would seem that there is a conflict between the ability to do magic and the poor choices that rednecks tend to make. Now don't get me wrong; I'm not saying rednecks are stupid, I even consider myself a redneck. It's just that we seem to stand out more when we do stupid things, even going as far as intentionally (and proudly) calling attention to it ourselves.

It may be a little easier to understand the Redneck Wizard if you know a little more about Hightiders Skool of Witchcraft, Wizardry and Taxidermy. When the students arrive they are sorted into one of four houses: Whitetail, Black Bear, Opossum, and Cooter.

Whitetail: Named for the swift, native deer. They always run away swiftly at the first sign of danger. Every man for himself is the general idea. House Motto: "We don't have to outrun the bad guy, we just have to outrun you."

Black Bear: They always stand up for one another, much like the Black Bear sow does for her cubs in the face of danger. House Motto: "If our claws don't get 'em, our breath probably will."

Opossum: Commonly known as possum. They talk big in the face of danger, but tend to play dead when the going gets tough. Unfortunately for them, by that time, they usually aren't playing. House Motto: "Be really, really still and maybe they will go away."

Cooter: For those unfamiliar with this animal, it is a snapping turtle. A large, vicious creature that can very easily snap off a few fingers with their beak like mouth. Don't let the word turtle fool ya, these suckers are quick. They also make good soup. House Motto: "Bite first, ask questions later."

Those not familiar with Redneck Wizards need to be able to recognize them quickly for their own safety. If you see someone that you suspect may be a Redneck Wizard, back away slowly. Do not speak to them or make eye contact. They will perceive these actions in one of two ways. The first is they may see you as a threat and try to string you up from the nearest oak tree. Second, they may think you want to be their friend and will immediately hand you a beer and try to get you involved in what ever activity they are engaged in at the time. More than likely that will involve stringing someone else up to that oak tree.

The following list has been compiled to help everyone recognize Redneck Wizards. Redneck Wizards also need to read this list so they can see themselves for what they are, bloody dangerous.

You Might Be A Redneck Wizard if...

Your Grandma crocheted your invisibility cloak.

You have one set of dress robes. Reversible, camouflage on one side, blaze orange on the other.

Your summer attire consists of a see thru, mosquito net cloak; cut off jeans and a pair of brogans.

You've ever uttered this phrase during Quidditch practice: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

You think grass flavored Bertie Botts Beans add an interesting bouquet to your diet Coke.

You wrapped the handle of your broom in electrical tape for a better grip.

You thought about getting the dark mark tattooed on your arm, but came out with a confederate flag instead.

You have 4 junk, Muggle cars in your yard and they all float a good 2 feet above the blocks.

Your magic wand was carved from a tobacco stick. (Extra points if you actually know what a tobacco stick is.)

The magical item in your wand is a tail hair from a rabid flying squirrel.

You've ever used the Goblet of Fire as a spittoon.

You've ever used a summoning charm to get a beer from the fridge without having to wait for the commercial break. Accio Bud!!

You have a three-headed dog named Fluffy. (Yeah, like ya'll didn't know Hagrid is a closet redneck.)

You've ever used a memory charm on an entire Quidditch team to protect your sister's honor.

Your family mail carrier is a blind in one eye, turkey buzzard named Bubba.

You know for a fact that flobberworms taste a lot like chicken.

You use a house elf when you go duck hunting instead of a Labrador retriever.

You get expelled from Potions class because of the accident you had trying to develop a new formula for buck lure.

Even though you know that the cat snoozing on the couch is your sister, you can't resist the urge to stick spello-tape on all four of her feet and watch her try to walk around the living room.

You're favorite t-shirt has a rebel flag on it and it reads, "I will give up my wand when they pry my cold, dead fingers from around it.

You insist on using muggle transportation to all the Quidditch games because you haven't figured out any other way to have a "tail-gate party."

You had your wand customized to look like a .357 Magnum.

Your slow cousin was caught in a compromising situation with three house elves, a goblin and a garden gnome.

Your skool has a special wing where student parents are housed with their student children.

You hold up your hand for the southern equivalent to the Knight Bus, and you get picked up by a flying Chevy 4x4 pickup with lawn chairs bolted down in the back.

You thought it would be cool to spray paint the bristles on your broom John Deere green.

You bought your wand at Billy Bob's Discount Magical and Military Surplus Warehouse Emporium.

You've ever cast a spell to hide your favorite hunting/fishing spot.

The American Ministry of Magic has you under 24 hour surveillance to prevent you from tampering with the muggle NASCAR races.

You have ever used your wand to light a barbecue grill.

You studied really hard in potions class figuring it would probably help you out with the family still.

Your idea of Saturday night entertainment involves a six pack and several garden gnomes.

You installed a mud flap on your broom.

Your racing broom has all the bristles worn off cause your Grandma keeps forgetting which broom is which and uses it to beat the dogs off the porch.

Your home distinctly resembles the Weasley's, except yours has wheels.

You thought it would be cool to transfigure into a whitetail deer.

You have a permanent limp because when you transfigured into the white tail deer, you forgot hunting season was still open.

Your buddies saw you transfigure into a deer, but shot you anyway.