Shinji was sitting inside the Eva, holding the boy who he loved in his hand. All he had to do now was to kill him. It wouldn’t even take that much effort. All he had to do was squeeze, and Kaworu would be dead. Just...he just had to…
He took a deep breath.
And he unclenched his fist.
Kaworu was still floating in the same position, but he looked puzzled.
“You have to kill me, or everyone will die.”
No. No. He couldn’t.. Didn’t..
He was shaking. Kaworu wouldn’t be able to talk to him while he was inside the Eva. There’s no way he could say anything while inside. He couldn’t do anything. Except maybe…
Shinji shut his eyes. Surrounded by ringing, slushing, empty noises. He fell silent and felt small and foolish as the capsule opened on the floor. He could barely feel the LCL as it poured out. He opened his eyes.
Kaworu was standing on the floor now. He was also dabbing rapidly but that’s not important information.
“Shinji! What happened!”
Ms. Misato’s voice… they must be talking through the general intercoms…
Kaworu walked towards the capsule. He might betray Shinji again and kill him, he might scold him, taunt him, leave him to-
He grabbed Shinji’s arm and helped pull him out.
“I think that you should have chosen killing me. It would have made everything easier for you. But, I cannot change the decision you made. I will still support you, Shinji.”
He was still semi standing in the capsule, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s LCL on his sweater already, Rei makes spaghetti. Kaworu put his arm around his shoulder and helped him out of the orange puddle. Now farther away from the Eva, they stood across from each other, waiting to figure out what should happen next.
“Shinji?!? Why did you leave the Eva! Get back in! You have to defeat the angel!” Ms. Misato began talking to the rest of the crew in the background with her mic on. She was lucky that the quality was so low.
As it began to make sizzling noises, the speaker switched over to the live audio from Gendo Ikari.
“Get back into the Eva.”
“I have no time for childish demands and newly discovered ‘morals’. Defeat the angel this instant, or we are using the dummy plug.”
“But father I love him!”
“You’re...in love with the angel? The very thing wreaking havoc upon mankind? I have no time for this foolishness! Someone retrieve Eva-01!”
Shinji tensed up. His father would stop at nothing to defeat the angels. Even if it meant the life of the per..angel that his own son loved.
“Father! Hold on a second!”
Gendo Ikari scoffed, which made a scratching sound through the old intercom. “Do you wish to get back in the Eva?”
“Well..uhh... You want me to defeat the angel, right?”
“Yes.” Impatience rose in Gendo’s voice. “Defeat the angel right now!”
Shinji pulled out his iPhone 69 (haha nice) and went onto Google.com. He typed something on the keyboard. Gendo tapped the microphone a few times.
There was an awkward silence as Shinji read the Google.
“According to Google.com, defeat is ‘win a victory over (someone) in a battle or other contest; overcome or beat’ which doesn’t say anything about killing someone! Also! Let me read a few similar words! Beat, conquer, overpower, overcome, b...bring someone to their knees?” Shinji paused reading in slight concern, but continued after a few seconds. “Quell, subdue, l..umm…...lick.”
Kaworu interrupted him, “Lick is a synonym for defeat? Are you reading the right list?”
“Uh.. yeah. I think so.”
“Carry on then I suppose.”
“Right.” He brought the phone up to his face. “Walk all over, wipe the floor with, thrash.., bl...blow out of water, pound, pulverize, c...cre...crea-OKAY WHY DO THESE KEEP GETTING MORE SEXUAL?”
“Oh really? I hadn’t noticed.”
Gendo sighed loudly. “Is that it? Are you going to defeat him now?”
“MY POINT IS,” He cleared his throat, “My point is that I don’t have to kill him to defeat him!”
“Another childish strategy. The Dead Sea Scrolls-”
“Do the Dead Sea Scrolls say ‘kill’ anywhere on there!?!”
“Well not technically, but it is implied.”
Kaworu spoke up, “That is connotation, not denotation.”
“So.. does that mean,” Shinji turned back to look at Kaworu, “That… you get to stay as long as I can defeat you? You really can-”
“I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS BLATANT RIDICULOUSNESS. GET IN THE ROBOT SHINJI.”
“I will stay so long as you can someday forgive me for lying to you. Whatever it is you want, I am here.”
“PILOT OF EVANGELION UNIT 01 GET IN THAT ROBOT.”
“Okay… uh.. I’ll defeat you now I guess..”
Shinji stepped closer to the angel in front of him. Despite what the raspy commands from his father said, he placed his hand upon Kaworu’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and pushed down on the shoulder. Seemingly, he was understood. Kaworu sunk down onto his knees.
The Final Angel Has Been Defeated
“That was easier than I expected.”
“May I stand up now?”
Shinji realized that it had been a few minutes, but he still had his hand on Kaworu’s shoulder. Awkwwwaaarrd. He blushed and pulled his hand back.
“Yeah feel free! To stand up- I mean-”
Kaworu simply smiled at him.
“Wait, you’re the last angel, right? What happens next?”
[The seinfeld theme song plays]