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All I Want For Christmas Is Another Divorce

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TODAY 3:15 PM

mkblackwood: jon?

j.sims: Yes, what is it?

mkblackwood: are you… coming?

mkblackwood: to the holiday party?

j.sims: Probably not.

stoked: whaaaaaat

stoked: come onnnnnnnnnn

j.sims: I have a lot of work to get done.

Sasha_James: Jon. You CAN take a break from work every once in a while, you know

j.sims: I’m well aware, Sasha.

j.sims: I also just don’t do parties.

stoked: not even if all ur friends r here? & ur all alone in the basement?

j.sims: Stop trying to guilt me, Tim.

j.sims: Besides, I’m not alone. Jane’s down here, too.

j.sims: As it turns out, she’s not a party person either. Something we unexpectedly have in common.

stoked: ……… actually u 2 can stay down there. might not be a good idea for her to show up at the party

Sasha_James: Rude

stoked: i mean, besides us, elias & rosie, does anyone ELSE know she’s still alive?

stoked: even w/out worms, things could get weird REAL fast

Sasha_James: … Point taken

Sasha_James: In any case, we’ll smuggle out some cake for you two :)

j.sims: You really don’t have to.

j.sims: For me, at least. Jane says she wants cake. And however many hors d’oeuvres you can fit on a plate.

Sasha_James: On it

TODAY 3:41 PM

mkblackwood: heads up everyone

stoked: aw shit

stoked: elias is here

j.sims: Well. I’m suddenly very glad I’m not there.

stoked: & someone’s w/ him???

j.sims: What?

j.sims: Who?

Sasha_James: Don’t know

Sasha_James: Haven’t seen him around the building so I don’t think he’s an employee?

stoked: he’s not bad-looking

stoked: in a weird insurance-salesman-meets-sea-captain sort of way

stoked: don’t know WHAT he’s doing w/ ELIAS tho

j.sims: What’s that supposed to mean?

stoked: he looks VERY pleased to b here. elias does NOT

mkblackwood: oh no. they’re coming over

TODAY 3:47 PM

Sasha_James: Jon, you’re not going to believe who Elias’ friend is

j.sims: … He’s not a Lukas, is he?

j.sims: That… would explain why Elias is always telling me to not look into any Lukas-related statements.

Sasha_James: Bingo

Sasha_James: Peter Lukas

Sasha_James: Didn’t you record a statement about him?

j.sims: Sounds familiar...

j.sims: Ah. Jane has just informed me I have. It’s case 0110201.

stoked: aka….?

stoked: cmon jon, i know u give all the spooky statements equally spooky titles. what was it for that one?

j.sims: ... Boatswain’s Call.

stoked: oh yep. remember that one. i think i walked in on u before u started recording it

j.sims. You did.

j.sims: Anyway, are you three all right?

stoked: yea, just VERY weirded out

stoked: martin, on the other hand……

mkblackwood: tim. i am fine

mkblackwood: i just really didn’t like how peter was looking at me

Sasha_James: Understandable!

Sasha_James: Getting hit on, especially at work events, is the worst

mkblackwood: it’s not like he said anything, though! just the way he was looking at me… like… i don’t know what it was like. 

mkblackwood: it was just.... uncomfortably isolating, if that makes sense.

j.sims: Should I come up there? Do you need an excuse to leave?

mkblackwood: i’m good, jon. really

stoked: yeah, elias steered peter away prettttty quickly after peter started eyeing martin

stoked: most considerate thing elias has done in a LONG time

j.sims: Well. Let’s hope Elias and Peter steer clear of you all for the rest of the night.

j.sims: And if either of them give you any more trouble, you have my permission to use me as an excuse to leave.

stoked: “so, SO sorry elias about leaving ur lovely holiday party & ur creeper captain friend, but our terrible killjoy of a boss jonathan sims is demanding that we come back IMMEDIATELY 2 investigate the lukas family & jeopardize the institute’s funding. ta-ta!”

stoked: something like that?

j.sims: … Close enough.

TODAY 4:19 PM

stoked: JON

stoked: U R SO SAD U R NOT HERE 2 WITNESS THIS RN

j.sims: I’m sure I’m not.

j.sims: But what’s going on?

Sasha_James: Elias

Sasha_James: He and Peter are having some kind of argument

Sasha_James: Not entirely sure about what

Sasha_James: They’re not yelling and we’re not getting any closer

j.sims: Good. Don’t.

stoked: OH MY GOD

j.sims: Oh, Christ.

j.sims: What is it now?

stoked: ELIAS

stoked: JUST THREW

stoked: A GLASS OF WINE

stoked: IN PETER’S FACE

Sasha_James: And a hush falls over the crowd!

mkblackwood: seriously. it’s so quiet, i can hear the wine dripping.

j.sims: What’s happening now?

j.sims: Martin? 

j.sims: Sasha?

j.sims: Tim?

j.sims: … Look, I’m not going to come up there and see for myself, so Jane and I are just going to wait down here for any updates.

TODAY 4:33 PM

stoked: ok i think things have calmed down. a janitor’s here @ the very least

j.sims: What’s going on?

stoked: SO

stoked: argument, wine-glass-throwing, everyone silent

stoked: THEN 

stoked: ELIAS SAYS

stoked: (i shit you NOT)

stoked: “Peter.”

stoked: “You’ve embarrassed me at the annual Institute holiday party for the last time.”

stoked: “I want another divorce.”

TODAY 4:38 PM

j.sims: … I beg your pardon?

mkblackwood: yep. 

mkblackwood: i, for one, am still in shock

Sasha_James: There’s just a LOT to unpack here, but I’m going to try my best

Sasha_James: 1. Elias is married (!)

Sasha_James: 2. Elias is married to a Lukas (!!)

Sasha_James: 3. Elias has divorced his husband before (!?)

Sasha_James: 4. Elias has since remarried said husband (!?!?)

Sasha_James: 5. Elias is going to divorce said husband AGAIN (!?!?!?)

mkblackwood: …… you know, you laying it out like that doesn’t make it any less baffling

j.sims: I can’t believe this.

stoked: 6. ELIAS THREW A GLASS OF WINE IN HIS SOON 2 B EX-HUSBAND’S FACE

stoked: i’ve NEVER seen elias that mad, let alone THAT mad THAT quickly

stoked: 1 minute they were having a v quiet & intense argument, the next minute… wine in the face

stoked: ngl i got whiplash

j.sims: I don’t doubt it. That level of anger seems… very uncharacteristic for Elias.

j.sims: Did you see Peter do anything beforehand? Anything that might have caused Elias to react in such a way?

Sasha_James: Not that I saw. Small talk, a couple trips to the buffet. Usual office party stuff

Sasha_James: Aside from Elias introducing him to us, he seemed pretty normal. For a Lukas, anyway

mkblackwood: sasha.

mkblackwood: you don’t think

stoked: oh my god

stoked: OH MY GODDDDD

stoked: 7. ELIAS FELT THREATENED BC HIS HUSBAND HIT ON ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES IN FRONT OF HIM

mkblackwood: oh hell

mkblackwood: if that’s true, i NEED to get out of here

mkblackwood: as soon as elias gets back from forcibly escorting peter from the building, he’s going to murder me

stoked: not if we murder him first!

j.sims: Tim. Please. 

j.sims: Although Jane requests that you give her a five-minute heads-up if you’re going to murder Elias. Elevator to the basement is out, so she’ll need to take the stairs.

stoked: will do

stoked: the more the merrier!

TODAY 5:26 PM

mkblackwood: we’re heading out. 

stoked: elias hasn’t come back & the party’s nearly over, so i don’t think we’ll get to murder him 2nite

Sasha_James: Tell Jane I have cake! And many hors d’oeuvres

j.sims: I have.

j.sims: She says thank you and please come back.

mkblackwood: shit shit shit

Sasha_James: Shit

stoked: shiiiiiiiiit

j.sims: … I’m almost afraid to ask, but what’s going on now?

mkblackwood: just passed elias’ office. we had to dodge out of sight

mkblackwood: elias and peter are walking out now

j.sims: That makes no sense; I thought you said Elias was “forcibly escorting” Peter out.

mkblackwood: evidently not

stoked: guys

stoked: GUYS

stoked: ELIAS’ TIE IS MISSING

stoked: I REPEAT: ELIAS’ TIE IS  M I S S I N G

Sasha_James: … should that mean anything to us?

Sasha_James: … WAIT

j.sims: Elias is missing his tie?

j.sims: That’s also quite uncharacteristic of him.

j.sims: … Oh. I see.

stoked: YEAH

mkblackwood: tim that doesn’t necessarily mean

mkblackwood: … never mind. i stand corrected

mkblackwood: you know, we should probably go before they see us

Sasha_James: Agreed

Sasha_James: I mean, I think they’re too busy snogging to see us, but agreed

stoked: aaaaaaaaaaand peter just LIFTED elias like a sack of potatoes & carried him BACK into the office

stoked: something tells me they’re not getting re-divorced right away

Sasha_James: Yeah, no kidding

stoked: …… on THAT note

stoked: merry fucking xmas i guess

stoked: emphasis on the fucking ;)

Sasha_James: Seriously, Tim?

mkblackwood: tim i swear to GOD

j.sims: All right, that’s enough tomfoolery for one night.

j.sims: If you’re not back in the basement in five minutes, Jane and I are breaking into Tim’s stash of tiny liquor bottles and drinking without you.

Sasha_James: Excellent idea!

stoked: hell yeah nip drawer

mkblackwood: jon PLEASE pull out the nip drawer

mkblackwood: i’m going to need a LOT of alcohol to forget what i’ve just seen

j.sims: As you wish, Martin.