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Forget

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Sometimes I think I'm not that strong
But there's a force that carries me on

 

Eddie Kaspbrak is my reason. My reason to live. My reason to smile. My reason to be okay with who I am. I know that sometimes I can be a depressed handful, but it's like Eddie doesn't care about that. Eddie just does everything in his power to keep me happy so that I never feel alone.


Sick of my small heart, made of steel
Sick of the wounds that never heal

 

I've been through a lot, and when I say that my life hasn't been easy, I'm not kidding. I've always been 'weird' you could say, but I know I've never been normal. I'm pretty sure I'm gay, so that's something.

 

'Cause I have lived my life in debt
I've spent my days in deep regret

 

I don't like the fact that I'm gay. If I could change it, i would. I would go fuck any girl I could find just so I would never think about what it would be like to kiss a boy, ever again. I'm not just thinking about kissing any boy      I'm thinking about kissing my best friend. Eddie.


Yeah, I've been living in the red
Oh, 'cause I can't forgive and I can't forget

 

I've been in the closet for about three years now, whether its gay or bisexual or whatever they call it, I'm not out to people. Well, except for Bev and Stan. Bev knew before I did and Stan, well Stan just walked into my bedroom one day and said "okay homo, let's talk.' 


Ain't no time to regret
Yeah, it's time to forget

 

I've decided to tell Eddie how I feel about wanting to kiss him, but I don't know how he'll react. He's straight and he's a germaphobe. I'll probably be laughed at shunned for the rest of my miserable homosexual life. 'Richie, I'll get cooties'. Yep. That's Eddie.

 

Ever since I can remember
Life was like a tipping scale

 

I knocked on Eddie's front door patiently waiting for Sonia to open the door and then slam it close, but instead Eddie actually answers. He looks tired and worn out, nothing like Eddie. He ran his hand through his hair, something that he never does. He yawned and just stared at me. 

 

"What do you want, Richie?" He leaned against the door frame and reeked of some kind of perfume. That wasn't like him either. 


Like an abacus I played with
Counting every win and fail

 

A girl walked down the stairs. Not Sonia Kaspbrak, who was oddly no where to be found. This was someone he had never seen before, but it made his heart drop. Eddie looked back at her and had a gigantic smile appear across his face. She was wearing one of his shirts. No pants on and that's when it hit me.

 

'Cause I have lived my life in debt
I've spent my days in deep regret

 

I couldn't help it, but tears started to well up in my eyes. I started to stutter over my words and my voice began to crack. Eddie stepped out and shut the door behind him.

 

"Rich? Rich, are you going to have another panic attack?" Immediately everything about Eddie's demeanor changed. He placed his hands on my shoulders as I tried to catch my breath.


Yeah, I've been living in the red
But I wanna forgive and forget

 

I collapsed on the ground in front of Eddie and he fell with me. He cupped my face in his hands and tried his best to regulate my breathing. He pulled me into his lap and I lost it. Eddie Kaspbrak was in love with someone else and here I am, a gay mess, on his front porch in tears.

 

Forget, forget, forget, forget

 

I tried so hard to block out the girl from my memory. I hated seeing her in his clothes, seeing her in his house, smelling her on his skin.


Ain't no time for regret
Yeah, it's time to be letting go

Oh baby, you know
What I'm talking about

 

"Richie.. Look at me," Eddie lifted my head up to make eye contact. His eyes were so beautiful. Like a galaxy of stars right in front of me. A smile grew on his face as I began to calm down. "There you go, buddy.."


Got nothing to lose and nothing to prove
Oh baby, I'm bowing out

Y eah, I've been dancing with the devil
I love that he pretends to care

 

As soon as I calmed down, I knew this was my moment to get it out. Whether he wanted to hear it or not. Whether he felt the same or not. It was eating me alive.

 

"Eddie Kaspbrak, I am hopelessly in love with you." He was just silent. Not even a breath was coming out of him. "Eddie?"

 

A good minute of silence finally turned into a reply.

 

"It's good to get your feelings off your chest, Rich. I'm glad you're finally out and proud." That? That was it? He was responding like THAT? I just told this boy I was in love with him and this is what I got.


If I'll ever get to heaven
When a million dollars gets you there
Oh, all the time that I have wasted
Chasing rabbits down a hole
When I was born to be the tortoise
I was born to walk alone

Forget, forget, forget, forget

 

I shook my head and began to cry again. Eddie tried to grab me and I shoved him away. I collected myself and stood up off of his porch as Sonia pulled in the driveway. I could incoherently hear her screaming from the inside of her car, but I was too focused on my next line.


Ain't no time for regret

I'm gonna leave the past behind
I've had enough, I'm breaking through
No pressing stop, erase, rewind

 

"Fuck you. Fuck you and your pretty face. Fuck you and the eyes I could get lost in for hours. Fuck you and that bitch you have inside. Fuck you for being you, Kaspbrak." That was all I said before I left. Eddie stood in astonishment as I walked away, vigorously wiping tears from my face as Sonia screamed at Eddie. Not about being gay this time, but for fucking a girl.


That chain of thought that followed me

I've put my money where my mouth is

 

"Edward Kaspbrak! Tell me why that Tozier boy was in tears on my front porch? About a girl being inside?" Sonia had enough. She opened the door and shoved the girl outside.

 

"Ma, please.." Eddie pleaded with her, but she neglected to listen like her typical self, but the next thing she said.. wasn't like her.


For the first time in my life
I've made mistakes, but I believe that

 

"That Tozier boy is clearly in love with you and you never took the time to realize that? As much as I want to throw up saying this, that's your one Edward. A fucking boy, your fucking best friend. I know you're in love with him, so stop trying to fix yourself for me, honey. Go be yourself and If you don't go fix it, I will." I stopped in my tracks. I turned around and locked eyes with Sonia. I took a deep breath as she waved her hand for me to motion towards Eddie.

 

She headed inside and then it was just us.


Everything was worth the fight
'Cause in the end, the road is long
But only 'cause it makes you strong

 

"Tozier, how long?" Eddie sounded like he was on the edge of tears.

 

"You're asking me how long? I should be asking you.. Your mother just confirmed that you're in love with me." Neither one of us had a moment to say how long before Eddie grabbed my face once more. This was it.

 

It's filled with peaks and twists and turns
Sometimes you have to learn to forget about it

 

Eddie Kaspbrak had his lips pressed against mine. They were soft and tasted like honey, his favorite chapstick. Eddie's fingers curled around my jawline and then he pulled away. We both just smiled at each other before speaking at the same time.

 

"Since we were 14."