Chapter 1: We Didn't Start the Fire
Sometimes, JoJos don't do smart things.
Title from Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire
/Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Body Pillow/
Dec 08 2019, 5:41 pm
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i cant believe Joot left
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: :(
Mafia Mob: yes, our main target has left once more
Be Gay Punch Shit: I got my room back :)
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: >:(
Be Gay Punch Shit: Uh I mean
Be Gay Punch Shit: :( Boo hoo Jotaro went back to meth land oh no
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: :)
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i miss my favourite brother already
Be Gay Punch Shit: What about us?
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i said brother
Mafia Mob: :)
Be Gay Punch Shit: >:(
Be Gay Punch Shit: Just text him
Be Gay Punch Shit: We just bought him that new phone
Mafia Mob: i still can’t believe jotaro was using a flip phone this entire time
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: at least he wasnt still using the landline
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: it took us so long to get him to even use the flip phone
Be Gay Punch Shit: Ugh I remember that
Mafia Mob: a cherished memory
Dec 08 2019, 8:04 pm
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: hey guys
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i thought of a way that we can still attack Joot
Be Gay Punch Shit: I dont like where I think this is going
Jolyne Joestar created /Chat/
Dec 08 2019, 8:12 pm
Jolyne Joestar added Jonathan Joestar, Joseph Joestar, and six others to Chat
Jolyne Joestar renamed Chat to /Jo Clan/
/Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Body Pillow/
Dec 08 2019, 8:15 pm
Be Gay Punch Shit: This is the bad timeline
Dec 08 2019, 8:18 pm
Jolyne Joestar: hello fellow Jos
Jolyne Joestar: and Erina
Jonathan Joestar: Jolyne! Hello! :)
Jonathan Joestar: Is the entire family in here?
Jolyne Joestar: all the siblings and cousins, minus Dio and George
Jolyne Joestar: George is too young and Dio isnt civil enough
Joseph Joestar: >:)
Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Superior Jojo
Josuke Joestar: This is the timeline God abandoned
Superior Jojo: thats not nice josuke
Superior Jojo: r u implying that im as bad as dio
Josuke Joestar: No
Josuke Joestar: Youre more immature than George
Superior Jojo: josuke :(
Superior Jojo: u hurt my feelings
Josuke Joestar: That was the intent
Jonathan Joestar: Get along, you two. We’re family, we’re not supposed to behave like this!
Jotaro Joestar sent an image
Jotaro Joestar took a screenshot
Jotaro Joestar: i DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS
Jotaro Joestar: sOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO USE THIS
Josuke Joestar: Lmao he doesnt know how to use his phone
Jolyne Joestar: Joot youre using the shift wrong
Jotaro Joestar sent an image
Johnny Joestar: This is gold
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: have avdol help you figure it out, jotaro
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: we got you the same model as him so he could help you
Jotaro Joestar took a screenshot
Josuke Higashikata: Hey guys!
Josuke Higashikata: How’s America?
Josuke Joestar: Josuke!
Josuke Higashikata: Hello cousin!
Superior Jojo: i think im having a stroke
Johnny Joestar: We’re probably the only family where first cousins share the same first name
Superior Jojo: there can only b one
Josuke Higashikata: Aw
Josuke Joestar: Joseph Im coming for your kneecaps
Superior Jojo: good luck getting here in ur car
Superior Jojo: o wait
Superior Jojo: u dont have one
Josuke Joestar: Jonathan Joseph is being mean to me
Jonathan Joestar: Joseph, you’re his older brother. Set a good example.
Superior Jojo: whatever u say mom
Joseph Joestar changed Jonathan Joestar’s nickname to Jomom
Erina Pendleton-Joestar changed her nickname to Jodad
Jodad: Now we match!
Jomom: I guess it can stay, as long as everyone can still tell it’s me!
Johnny Joestar: Dont worry we know
Jolyne Joestar: that will not be a problem
Johnny Joestar: On the other hand
Johnny Joestar: The Josuke situation
Josuke Higashikata: I don’t understand why we need to change our names
Josuke Higashikata: Our family names are different and are here as well
Josuke Joestar: Hes right
Josuke Joestar: Josuke we should hold a revolution
Josuke Joestar: Rid the bloodline of the non-Josukes
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: nope
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed Josuke Joestar’s nickname to Americano
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed Josuke Higashikata’s nickname to Overseas
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Don
Americano: HOW DARE YOU
Jomom: Giorno, please stop implying that you run the Italian mob.
Don: you have taught me not to lie, uncle Jonathan
Don: so i will not
Overseas: Giorno :(
Jolyne Joestar: dont be offended cousin Josuke, he just has no creativity
Don: you will grow to regret that statement
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed Jolyne Joestar’s nickname to Hoelyne Hoestar
Johnny Joestar: Oh my god
Superior Jojo: the children r fighting
Hoelyne Hoestar: you know what
Hoelyne Hoestar: this is hella iconic and im gonna keep it
Jomom: Jolyne, honey, you shouldn’t have a name that insults you!
Hoelyne Hoestar: dont worry Jonathan
Hoelyne Hoestar: i like it
Americano: Glad to see someones happy
Overseas: Can someone please come up with something better? Since neither of us are Josuke, than neither of us should be and I cannot think of something right now.
Jolyne Joestar changed Josuke Higashikata’s nickname to Gappy
Hoelyne Hoestar: better?
Gappy: I can live with this
Americano: Well I cant
Josuke Joestar changed his nickname to Shine On
Josuke Joestar changed Johnny Joestar’s nickname to Cowboy But Not As Cool
Cowboy But Not As Cool: Cmon
Cowboy But Not As Cool: How is this fair
Cowboy But Not As Cool: Gio was the one who changed your name
Shine On: Oh dont worry johnny
Shine On: He will get his comeuppance
Superior Jojo: ooh
Superior Jojo: big word there Josuke
Shine On: I havent forgotten your sins either Joseph
Josuke Joestar changed Giorno Giovanna-Joestar’s nickname to Fake Gucci
Josuke Joestar changed Joseph Joestar’s nickname to Downed Pilot
Downed Pilot: first of all
Downed Pilot: i am a great pilot
Downed Pilot: and b
Downed Pilot: u seriously suck at this
Fake Gucci: …
Fake Gucci: sleep with one eye open, Josuke Joestar.
Shine On: I
Shine On: Why am i scared
Hoelyne Hoestar: well guess ive gotta get my eulogy all prepped
Jomom: No! Giorno, please do not harm your uncle! Josuke, please stop antagonizing your brother and nephew.
Shine On: Yes mom
Fake Gucci: i will hold off until further notice
Fake Gucci: i will not kill my uncle in his sleep
Jomom: Much better!
Cowboy But Not As Cool: I dont see how
Cowboy But Not As Cool: Fuck I forgot about this
Johnny Joestar changed his nickname to Spin Cycle
Gappy: Is that a reference to the time Josuke and Giorno attached a fire extinguisher to your wheelchair at the family reunion?
Spin Cycle: Yes and they will pay for their offense
Shine On: Ok but it was Jolynes idea
Hoelyne Hoestar: it was NOT you fleck of ass dandruff
Hoelyne Hoestar: you cant pin this one on me
Jotaro Joestar: That insult was good
Hoelyne Hoestar: Joot!
Jolyne Joestar changed Jotaro Joestar’s nickname to Joot
Hoelyne Hoestar: did Avdol manage to teach you how to use your new phone
Joot: Yes, he did
Fake Gucci: just as predicted
Shine On: Yes all has gone as it was foreseen
Joot: What did you three do
Hoelyne Hoestar: how dare you
Fake Gucci: uncle Jotaro, we are
Shine On: Completely innocent
Downed Pilot: theyre up to something lol
Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Joestar Secret Technique
Joestar Secret Technique: use it wisely children
Shine On: He cant get us all the way from florida
Shine On: Besides we have done nothing wrong
Fake Gucci: this time
Shine On: Shut your up gionro
Fake Gucci: if it weren’t for the laws of this land i would have throttled you
Shine On: Giorno what the fuck
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to GioGio
GioGio: my name isnt that hard to spell
Shine On: Im sorry Giorno please dont hurt me
Hoelyne Hoestar: his door just opened
Spin Cycle: Holy shit is Giorno about to kill Josuke
Gappy: Someone please update, let us know what’s happening
GioGio: i just went to get some water
GioGio: im thirsty
Jomom: Giorno, I understand, but it is very late! Please don’t leave your room after 10 next time.
GioGio: yes, uncle Jonathan
Jomom: That reminds me! You all should be getting to bed! Jolyne, Josuke, Giorno, you all have to get up early for school tomorrow!
Joestar Secret Technique: hahaha i dont live under ur roof anymore jonathan
Joestar Secret Technique: i can stay up as late as i want
Jodad: I’m calling Suzi Q.
Joestar Secret Technique: wow i am suddenly very tired
Joestar Secret Technique: best be off to bed
Jodad: Let that be a warning for all of you.
Jodad: Goodnight! <3
Spin Cycle: …
Spin Cycle: This family be wildin
Chapter 2: Wild Night
Some looks into chats outside the main one
Title from Van Morrison's Wild Night
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
/Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Body Pillow/
Dec 16 2019, 1:06 am
Be Gay Punch Shit: Guys i need to request a cover
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: Josuke i swear
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: if youre asking us to cover for you so you can sneak out to fuck your boyfriend im going to go wakeup Jonathan
Be Gay Punch Shit: Okay well Oku isnt my boyfriend
Mafia Mob: yet
Be Gay Punch Shit: You cant say anything gio
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: oh shit the gays are fighting
Mafia Mob: the only reason i am single is because my chosen boy has the brain capacity of a grain of sand
Be Gay Punch Shit: You are currently implying that your little friend with the hat is dumber than Oku
Be Gay Punch Shit: I want to make sure you understand that
Mafia Mob: okay, he’s not that dumb, but he does not pick up signals
Be Gay Punch Shit: Dude i have told Oku that i love him and he thought i meant as bros
Be Gay Punch Shit: Doesnt matter tho
Be Gay Punch Shit: Koichi just bought the newest F Mega game and im going over to his to play it
Be Gay Punch Shit: Jolyne can you please cover for me
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: now why would i do that
Be Gay Punch Shit: I covered for you last weekend when hermes came to ‘visit’ you
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: touche
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i have a chem quiz tomorrow tho so please dont be gone too long
Be Gay Punch Shit: Thank you jolyne! Youre the best sister ever!
Mafia Mob: she’s your only sister
Be Gay Punch Shit: Shhhhh
Dec 16 2019, 4:28 am
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: Josuke where the fuck are you its been three fucking hours
Be Gay Punch Shit: Haha funny story
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: thirty seconds until i go to Jonathan
Be Gay Punch Shit: Calm down, im climbing in now
Be Gay Punch Shit: Sorry jolyne Oku’s driving almost got us arrested
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: damn which one got you
Be Gay Punch Shit: He kinda looked like tom cruise
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: of course it was
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: its always Tom Cruise
Be Gay Punch Shit: Wait is this the same cop who caught you trying to, you know, while you were waiting for Jotaro to pick you up last year
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: we agreed that wed all forget about that
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: but yes
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: now go the fuck to sleep dumbass
Be Gay Punch Shit: Got it princess
/Private Channel Between Jolyne Joestar and Hermes Costello/
Dec 16 2019, 7:10 am
Hermes: I’m outside when you’re ready
Hermes: Rough night?
Jojo: Josuke went out and i had to cover for him until four am
Jojo: and ive got a chem quiz today :(
Hermes: You have chem fourth period, yeah?
Hermes: Hows about we skip the first three periods and nap in my car? Get some coffee for ya?
Jojo: that sounds like heaven right now
Jojo: i dont tell you how much i love you often enough
Jojo: i love you so much
Hermes: I love you too, babe
Hermes: Now hurry and get your ass out here, don’t wanna let your brother catch on to our plans ;)
Jojo: coming baby
Dec 16 2019, 9:37 am
Hoelyne Hoestar: Josuke you owe my so much for last night
Hoelyne Hoestar: shit
Hoelyne Hoestar: wrong chat
Spin Cycle: Ooh
Spin Cycle: What did he do now
Shine On: None of your business country boy
Joestar Secret Technique: boo u can do better than that
Hoelyne Hoestar: he really cant
Hoelyne Hoestar: and if you really want to know
Hoelyne Hoestar: Josuke abused his twin rights
Spin Cycle: Josuke how could you
Joestar Secret Technique: yea josuke u dont abuse the twin rights
Shine On: I get it jeez lay off
Shine On: I am nowhere near awake enough to be lectured by you two
Joestar Secret Technique: hey
Joot: Why are you on your phones.
Joot: You are in class.
Shine On: Holy shit jotaro
Hoelyne Hoestar: online work period
GioGio: you’re in shop
Hoelyne Hoestar: its called 3d models
GioGio: well i’ll just ask Narancia how those are going then
/Private channel between Jolyne Joestar and Giorno Giovanna-Joestar/
Dec 16 2019, 9:56 am
Fuck Dolly Parton: i will tell them that you are actually in a gang
Pizza Boy: i tell them literally everyday, that doesn’t scare me
Fuck Dolly Parton: ok but they all think its fake
Fuck Dolly Parton: cause youre pretending its the mob
Fuck Dolly Parton: but i have receipts
Jolyne Joestar sent an image
Pizza Boy: fine
Pizza Boy: but you shouldn’t skip class
Fuck Dolly Parton: Hermes took me out for coffee after Josuke kept me up all night
Fuck Dolly Parton: well help you with your boy problems
Pizza Boy: deal
Dec 16 2019, 10:12 am
GioGio: it seems you’re being honest
GioGio: this time
Spin Cycle: Jesus
Spin Cycle: How the hell is he so much like Diego theyve met once
Joestar Secret Technique: its the blond
Joestar Secret Technique: i ment blood but this also works
Joot: I will not repeat myself again.
Hoelyne Hoestar: alright Jotaro we got it
Hoelyne Hoestar: putting it away now
Shine On: Fine
Shine On: But i will be back when we get home
GioGio: i will return later
Joestar Secret Technique: finally the children r gone
Spin Cycle: Party time
Joot: Do your work.
Joestar Secret Technique: holy shit
Joestar Secret Technique: jotaro relax im my own boss
Spin Cycle: I am at the doctor
Gappy: Oh no, Johnny are you sick?
Spin Cycle: Nope
Spin Cycle: Gonna fuck a doctor
Joestar Secret Technique: and i oop
Spin Cycle: Relax
Spin Cycle: The doctor is Gyro
Jomom: Good for him!
Jomom: Also, Johnny, there are minors in this chat. Be more appropriate.
Spin Cycle: Theyre 17
Joestar Secret Technique: yeah jon theres no way theyre as innocent as u think they r
Jomom: I have faith in my younger siblings and nephew. I believe that they are only participating in age appropriate activities.
Jomom: Besides, currently all three are single.
Spin Cycle: That doesnt mean anything
Joestar Secret Technique: johnny ur going to break his brain
Joestar Secret Technique: u r right jonathan
Joestar Secret Technique: the little ones are all virtuous
Dec 16 2019, 10:40 am
Kira’s Hand Kink: Just a reminder that Mr Yoshikage is a gross man
Smol: What did he do now?
Kira’s Hand Kink: He looked over my shoulder as i was snapping my sister and she sent a pic of her flipping me off and he fucking moaned
Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: How has this man not been fired yet
Hand It To Ya: magic
Hair: Why are you on your phone in class
Smol: Bye see you guys at lunch!
Kira’s Hand Kink: No comments for the rest of us
Hair: I couldn’t care less if you fail your classes
Kira’s Hand Kink: Understandable have a nice day
Kira’s Hand Kink: Hello to you too mikitaka
Hand It To Ya: hey are any of you down forjafvbahfvahv
Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: He got caught
Kira’s Hand Kink: Rip Okuyasu
Kira’s Hand Kink: His memory will live on through us
Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: Not for long, Josuke
Kira’s Hand Kink: Oh look at the time i have to go meet up with jolyne bye
Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: I will get my money back, Josuke
/Passione Secret Conference Room/
Dec 16 2019, 11:11 am
It’s Not Delivery: my aunt knows
Shortcake: Which Aunt
Strawberry: You dumbass he only has one aunt
It’s Not Delivery: well two if you count aunt Erina
It’s Not Delivery: just Jolyne then
Mother: What does she know, Giorno?
It’s Not Delivery: she knows about Passione
Mother’s Favourite: YOU TOLD HER
Mother’s Favourite: TRAITOR
Mother: Leone, don’t jump to conclusions
Mother: I’m sure Giorno has an explanation
It’s Not Delivery: i accidentally sent her a screenshot of one of our conversations when i meant to send another
It’s Not Delivery: she came to the conclusion on her own tho
Shortcake: oh my god
Mother’s Favourite: I told you he couldnt be trusted
Shortcake: i cant belive it wasnt me
Strawberry: How have you managed to pass english
Shortcake: strategik bullshit
Mother: Everyone calm down
Mother: Giorno, do you believe she will tell anyone?
It’s Not Delivery: no
It’s Not Delivery: i have some information, that if released to our family, would result in some very unfortunate events for her
It’s Not Delivery: we’ve agreed to mutually keep secrets secret
Mother: Then all is fine
Mother: I will be paying Jolyne a little visit, just in case
It’s Not Delivery: understood
MISTAke: just got my phone back from mr polpo
MISTAke: what did i miss
/Free The Stones/
Dec 16 2019, 12:01 pm
Marry Me Jolyne: Jolyne, one of those weird anti-drug guys is looking for you
Marry Me Jolyne: I will fight him off in your honour
No: thats Giornos friend
No: tell him im eating outside
Channel 7: Why are you eating outside it’s raining
Goddess: We skipped this morning and she doesn’t want her teachers to see her
Channel 7: Fair carry on
Our King: Hey guys! How’s it going!
No: my fries are getting wet :(
Our King: Go eat inside?
Goddess: You can’t complain then
No: i can and will
No: this is disgusting
Marry Me Jolyne: Are you sure I can’t fight him off?
Marry Me Jolyne: I have a feeling that he has no good intentions
Marry Me Jolyne: I must protect you
No: fuck off Annasui
No: Giorno told me that his friend was looking for me, just fucking tell him already
Kung Foo: Update!
Kung Foo: Annasui tried to fight Bruno Bucciarati and got his ass kicked by Leone Abbacchio
Kung Foo: Jolyne, they’re coming your way
Goddess: Thanks, FF
Goddess: I’m going to go make sure Annasui doesn’t die
No: ill let you know when were done out here
Channel 7: Jolyne, just a heads up. The winds are going to pick up.
Channel 7: You should come inside
Our King: …
Our King: Man, highschool seems much more interesting than middle school
Channel 7: Enjoy it while you can.
So for the time being updates are gonna be Wednesdays and Saturdays, so I'll do my best to keep true to that lmao
Chapter 3: Winter Wonderland
Nothing like a good old fashioned snow day to spice things up for the Joestar family
Dec 18 2019, 10:37 am
Hoelyne Hoestar: theres nothing quite like a snow day to brighten up your week
Gappy: Wasn’t it raining two days ago?
GioGio: the weather here is fucked
Jomom: Language, Giorno.
GioGio: the weather here has sugma
Joestar Secret Technique: NO ONE SAY IT
Joestar Secret Technique: I WILL NOT BE SUGMA’D BY MY NEPHEW tHIS CLOSE TO 2020
Shine On: Hmmm
Shine On: Say jonathan
Shine On: Do you happen to know what that means
Spin Cycle: Oh boy
Jomom: No, Josuke, I do not!
Jomom: Giorno, what’s sugma?
Joestar Secret Technique: FUCK
GioGio: sugma balls
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar has left Jo Clan
Jomom: I see what happened there.
Jomom: I am so sorry, guys.
Gappy: I can’t believe I just witnessed that
Joestar Secret Technique: gonna go commit coma see you all after the rapture
Spin Cycle: I see things are spicy today in the Joestar home
Hoelyne Hoestar: i was gonna attack your word choice but its too accurate
Hoelyne Hoestar: we got like 8 inches of snow or somthn and now we have a snow day
Jodad: It’s a full house today!
Shine On: I keep forgetting youre in here Erina
Jomom: Why? She is also a Joestar?
Shine On: No its just
Shine On: Weird i guess
Jodad: I understand your point, Josuke, don’t worry.
Jodad: When are Koichi and Okuyasu getting here?
Shine On: They said theyd be here in like 10 minutes
Jodad: Great! Jolyne, is Hermes coming over too?
Hoelyne Hoestar: yeah if its okay with you
Jomom: Of course it is! Any friend is welcome here!
Joot: Jolyne. Still?
Hoelyne Hoestar: not yet Jotaro
Hoelyne Hoestar: shh
Spin Cycle: Eyes emoji
Hoelyne Hoestar: fuck off Bug Bite
Spin Cycle: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT
Hoelyne Hoestar: i have my ways
Hoelyne Hoestar: oh yeah here
Jolyne Joestar added Giorno Giovanna-Joestar to Jo Clan
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Requiem
Requiem: can i also have some friends over
Jomom: Of course, Giorno!
Jomom: Some notice would be prefered next time, though.
Jodad: And better behaviour.
Requiem: Narancia, Trish, and Mista will be here at noon
Joestar Secret Technique: ooh little gio is having a girl over
Shine On: Oh boy
Hoelyne Hoestar: oh boy
Requiem: oh no would you look at the time i am late for my ligma appointment
Shine On: Gio just threw himself out of his window and into the snowbank
Shine On: In his pyjamas
Joestar Secret Technique: was it something i said
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Gay and European
Gay and European: this should answer your question
Jomom: Joseph, did you forget when Giorno came out to the family last year during thanksgiving?
Joestar Secret Technique: i thought he was joking
Joestar Secret Technique: wait does that also mean
Josuke Joestar changed his nickname to Shining Homosexual
Shining Homosexual: Yep
Joestar Secret Technique: hold on
Joestar Secret Technique: i thought jotaro was the gay brother
Joot: I am.
Joot: More than one person can be gay in a single family Joseph.
Spin Cycle: Yes
Spin Cycle: Gay cousin here
Gappy: Not gay, but supportive!
Shining Homosexual: Thank you cousin josuke
Joestar Secret Technique: wait
Joestar Secret Technique: do any of you like girls
Hoelyne Hoestar: hi
Jomom: Oh! Jolyne!
Hoelyne Hoestar: yep
Jodad: Thank you for telling us!
Jodad: We love you no matter what, Jolyne.
Hoelyne Hoestar: thank you Erina
Hoelyne Hoestar: love you too
Hoelyne Hoestar: oop Hermes is here ill talk to yall later
Jomom: Man, they are such good friends!
Jomom: Speedwagon and I were the same way when we were her age!
Shining Homosexual: Ahaha you betcha
Shining Homosexual: The boys are here
Gay and European: i’m going to go change
Joestar Secret Technique: i cant believe i didnt know that most of this family is gay
Jomom: It’s okay, Joseph! You know now!
Jodad: Does anyone need anything from the store? I’m about to drop George off at his friend Elizabeth’s house.
Shining Homosexual: Smore stuff
Hoelyne Hoestar: sprite cranberry
Gay and European: a new dad
Spin Cycle: Legs
Joot: A will to live
Jodad: Okay so I can get some of that.
Jodad: You kids need to lighten up.
Dec 18 2019, 3:57 pm
Jodad: How many are staying for dinner?
Gay and European: Trish has to go home but Narancia and Mista are staying
Gay and European: are they allowed to sleep over
Jomom: Tomorrow is a school day, Giorno.
Gay and European: their parents said yes
Jomom: Just don’t stay up too late.
Gay and European: thank you uncle Jonathan
Hoelyne Hoestar: same thing for Hermes
Hoelyne Hoestar: except were gonna go get dinner on our own
Jodad: Be careful and stay safe, Jolyne!
Jomom: Be back before nine, please.
Hoelyne Hoestar: :)
Shining Homosexual: Koichi invited me to go sleep over at his place
Shining Homosexual: His parents are gonna pick us up at 5
Jomom: Josuke, please talk with us before making plans next time!
Shining Homosexual: Sorry Jonathan
Jodad: Now that that’s covered, next question.
Jodad: Who’s coming to visit for Christmas?
Joot: My last exam is tomorrow.
Joot: Kakyoin and I are going to drive back after it. Should be there day after next.
Spin Cycle: Gyro and I will be showing up on the 22
Spin Cycle: We may have Diego with us but we dont know yet
Gappy: I’ll be flying out on Christmas eve, with a special guest!
Gappy: Don’t ask who it is, we wanna keep it a secret!
Joestar Secret Technique: suzi q caesar and i are coming after work tomorrow
Joestar Secret Technique: weve agreed to share my old room
Jodad: Looks like we’re having a full house this year!
Jodad: I’ll make a sleeping arrangement and send it to you all when I finish!
/Private channel between Giorno Giovanna-Joestar and Jonathan Joestar/
Dec 18 2019, 4:23 pm
Gio: is he going to come this year
Jonathan: I don’t know what to tell you, Giorno.
Jonathan: We sent him a text, an email, and left him a voicemail, but he hasn’t responded yet.
Gio: i see
Jonathan: Don’t get too down, Giorno, there’s a chance your uncle Diego is going to be here!
Jonathan: Even if your dad doesn’t come, there are people here who love you and want you to have a good holiday season.
Gio: thank you uncle Jonathan
Gio: i’m going to get back to my friends now
Jonathan: Anytime, Giorno.:)
Jonathan: Enjoy your time.
Chapter 4: White Christmas
Giorno cashes in a favour and holiday planning happens
/Why Does Jotaro Have a Dolphin Body Pillow/
Dec 19 2019, 12:05 am
Mafia Mob: JOLYNE
Mafia Mob: JOLYNE
Mafia Mob: GET IN HERE
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: fucking lamb sauce Giorno what do you want
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: im cuddling with woman
Mafia Mob: good add her to the chat
Mafia Mob: i need you to follow through with your promise
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: fuck
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: now??
Mafia Mob: yes now
Mafia Mob: Narancia fell asleep and now Mista is sitting closer
Mafia Mob: he took off his hat
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: alright calm down
Jolyne Joestar added Hermes Costello to Why Does Jotaro Have a Dolphin Body Pillow
Jolyne Joestar changed Hermes Costello’s nickname to Consultant
Consultant: Your brother has a dolphin body pillow?
Mafia Mob: not important
Mafia Mob: there is a boy who i am attracted to not even a foot away from me and i need your wisdom
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: watch naruto
Mafia Mob: Jolyne i will end your bloodline
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: jeez fine
Consultant: Is he flirting with you?
Mafia Mob: i have no idea
Consultant: Tell us what he’s doing
Mafia Mob: okay
Mafia Mob: he’s leaning in pretty closely
Mafia Mob: he asked me to touch his hair
Mafia Mob: holy fuck its really soft
Mafia Mob: like a kitten
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: this is the one who doesnt take off his hat right
Mafia Mob: yea
Mafia Mob: he’s looking at me
Mafia Mob: quick lesbians, what do i do
Consultant: Do exactly as I say
Consultant: You’re going to put down your phone, and face him. You’re a Joestar, you have to believe that fate is on your side. Lean in yourself, and be frank with him. Ask him to kiss you. Go from there as you wish.
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: dont fuck him yet Gio
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: cant fuck with Jonathan in the house
Mafia Mob: fuck off Jolyne
Mafia Mob: thank you, Hermes
Consultant: Good luck, Giorno!
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: aw my little nephew is growing up
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i feel old now
Consultant: Aw, poor Jojo, does someone need a feel better kiss?
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: put down your phone and get over here
Hermes Costello has left Why Does Jotaro Have a Dolphin Body Pillow
Dec 19 2019, 6:35 am
Be Gay Punch Shit: Damn i slept through history
Be Gay Punch Shit: Whats the damage
Mafia Mob: well, you see,
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Mans Acquired
Mans Acquired: :)
Be Gay Punch Shit: Way to go giorno!
Be Gay Punch Shit: Whats the sitch
Mans Acquired: Guido and i are going to have dinner after school today
Mans Acquired: at the italian place where Bucciarati works
Mans Acquired: for the time being we are not boyfriends, but we will decide at the end of our date tonight
Be Gay Punch Shit: ;-;
Be Gay Punch Shit: Im so proud of you gio
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: thats my nephew!
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: Hermes says congrats
Mans Acquired: thank you all so much for helping me get to this point
Mans Acquired: Guido says hi, by the way
Mans Acquired: Narancia won’t wake up for a while so we’re gonna be gay
Mans Acquired: peace
Be Gay Punch Shit: Now im the only single one :(
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: one day Okuyasu will realize youre in love with him
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: until then we can flex on you
Jolyne Joestar sent an image
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar sent an image
Be Gay Punch Shit: :(
Dec 19 2019, 9:28 am
Jodad: Alright, I’ve worked out the sleeping chart!
Jodad: Jonathan, George, and I will be in the master
Jomom: I’ll let the kiddo know, dear!
Jodad: Thank you, honey. :)
Jodad: Joseph, Suzi Q, and Caesar will be in his old room, just as they volunteered.
Jodad: Jotaro and Noriaki will be in his old room, which is currently Josuke’s.
Shining Homosexual: But i just got it back :(
Hoelyne Hoestar: shut your mouth Noriaki is coming
Hoelyne Hoestar: youll get it back after
Jodad: Johnny and Gyro will be in Giorno’s room, aka Jonathan’s old room, and if Diego comes he’ll be there with them too.
Spin Cycle: Cool
Gay and European: oh no
Jodad: Josuke and his guest will be in the guest room.
Shining Homosexual: Oh no
Hoelyne Hoestar: oh no
Jodad: Giorno, Josuke, and Jolyne will be sharing her room while the family is here.
Hoelyne Hoestar: Erina why
Hoelyne Hoestar: we havent had to share since we were seven
Jodad: It’s share your room with the boys or you sleep on the couch, Jolyne.
Hoelyne Hoestar: >:(
Joot: Oh, Jolyne.
Joot: Kakyoin is bringing a gift for you. He has one for everyone, but he wants you to know that he’s rather proud of your’s.
Hoelyne Hoestar: Josuke, Giorno, i welcome you to casa Jolyne
/Private channel between Giorno Giovanna-Joestar and Jonathan Joestar/
Dec 19 2019, 6:38 pm
Gio: is he coming, Jonathan?
Jonathan: I’m sorry, Giorno.
/Private channel between Jonathan Joestar and Dio Brando/
Dec 19 2019, 10:56 pm
DIO: I accept your invitation and will join you for Christmas. I will arrive early day of, and leave the next day. Don’t bother replying, I won’t answer.
DIO: I will bring something for the boy. That is all.
/Private channel between Giorno Giovanna-Joestar and Guido Mista/
Dec 19 2019, 11:00 pm
Buon Giorno: how soon can you be here
Mista Worldwide: uh
Mista Worldwide: ten minutes
Buon Giorno: i’ll be waiting by the road
Mista Worldwide: something wrong
Buon Giorno: family issues, i’ll tell you once i’m looking at your face again
Mista Worldwide: ah gotcha
Mista Worldwide: ill bring pudding
Buon Giorno: you are my favourite person ever
Mista Worldwide: your my favourite person 2 gio
Mista Worldwide: see u in a little bit babe
Buon Giorno: see you, mio caro
Chapter 5: The Holly and the Ivy
As Christmas approaches, the other Joestars begin to worry about Giorno's recent behaviour. The teens act gay.
If you think Dio would be a good dad, im sorry, but this update will not make you happy. Dio does not seem like a good dad, sorry not sorry
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Dec 22 2019, 7:15 am
Joseph Joestar changed the chat name to HoHo JoJos
Joseph Joestar changes his nickname to Jingle Bells
Jingle Bells: TWO DAYS FUCKERS
Spin Cycle: Jesus fuck, Joseph
Spin Cycle: Go back to bed
Jingle Bells: no >:)
Spin Cycle: Welp guess I’m up now
Spin Cycle: Gyro, Diego and I are gonna leave soon, I guess
Gay and European: uncle Diego is coming?
Spin Cycle: Yeah
Gay and European: cool
Jomom: See, Giorno? I told you he’d come!
Gay and European: i guess
Gay and European: can i go to Guido’s?
Jomom: Sure thing, let us know when you need to be picked up!
Gay and European: he’ll drive me back
Jomom: I see. Well, have fun and be safe!
Gappy: Poor kid
Jomom: Whatever could you mean, Josuke?
Gappy: Another year without seeing his dad
Gappy: Did Dio even get him something for his birthday?
Jodad: He sent him a cheque for a hundred dollars and a signed card.
Shining Homosexual: Yeah and the card wished him a happy seventh birthday
Shining Homosexual: And was addressed to a ‘sweet grandaughter’
Gappy: When was the last time that he even saw his own son?
Jomom: Easter, when Giorno was eleven.
Jodad: Oh my, has it really been six years?
Jomom: We’ll just have to make this Christmas extra special for Giorno!
Jomom: We’ll show him just how much he belongs here and how much we love him!
Hoelyne Hoestar: what if we host a Christmas party on Christmas eve?
Hoelyne Hoestar: we can make it a surprise, invite all of our friends and his
Shining Homosexual: Jolyne and i can get him out of the house during set up!
Jomom: I like that idea! Nice work, you two!
Jomom: How will we keep him from finding out?
Jolyne Joestar deleted 17 messages
Jolyne Joestar created /Chat/
Dec 22 2019, 8:03 am
Jolyne Joestar added Jonathan Joestar, Joseph Joestar, and five others to Chat
Jolyne Joestar changed the chat name to /Giorno’s Gift/
Jolyne Joestar: well keep all party info here, so Giorno can be surprised
Jolyne Joestar: add anyone youre inviting, so that they can get the details too
Jolyne Joestar added Hermes Costello, Emporio Alnino, and eight others to Giorno’s Gift
Jonathan Joestar added Robert Speedwagon and Baron Zeppeli to Giorno’s Gift
Joseph Joestar added Caesar Zeppeli, Suzi Q, and Smokey Brown to Giorno’s Gift
Jotaro Joestar added Noriaki Kakyoin, Mohammed Avdul, and Jean Pierre Polnareff to Giorno’s Gift
Josuke Joestar added Okuyasu Nijimura, Koichi Hirose, and three others to Giorno’s Gift
Johnny Joestar added Gyro Zeppeli, Diego Brando, and Hot Pants to Giorno’s Gift
Josuke Higashikata: I won’t add my guest, we’ve agreed that I’d send them all the details
Josuke Higashikata: We still wanna keep it a secret :)
Josuke Joestar: Understandable
Mohammed Avdul: Why have we been added to this group chat?
Jonathan Joestar: Giorno has been taking this holiday season rather roughly, especially since he hasn’t seen his father in a few years.
Jonathan Joestar: Jolyne and Josuke had the wonderful idea to host a surprise Christmas party, to show Giorno that he isn’t alone, and you’re all invited!
Jolyne Joestar: heavy emphasis on SURPRISE
Josuke Joestar: NO ONE is to tell giorno
Erina Pendleton-Joestar: It will be on Christmas Eve at the Joestar home, from 4 pm until midnight! Potluck style!
Jotaro Joestar: Do not tell Giorno.
Okuyasu Nijimura: wow there sure are a lot of you Joestars
Okuyasu Nijimura: but why are you having a party for frozen pizza?
Koichi Hirose: Not DiGiorno, Giorno, Josuke’s nephew.
Narancia Ghirga: A DiGiorno party does sound fun tho
Rohan Kishibe: Wait, you weren’t joking that your cousin has the same name as you?
Josuke Joestar: Lmao yeah
Josuke Higashikata: Hi
Guido Mista: ngl thats kinda weird
Jolyne Joestar: arent you with Giorno right now?
Guido Mista: hes in the bathroom
Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Jingle Jangle
Joseph Joestar changed Josuke Joestar’s nickname to Crazy Crimmus
Joseph Joestar changed Josuke Higashikata’s nickname to Merry Morioh
Joseph Joestar changed Caesar Zeppeli’s nickname to The Grinch
The Grinch: Joseph you have the maturity of a newborn monkey
The Grinch: I actually like Christmas
Jingle Jangle: lies
Narancia Ghirga: wiat were aloud nickanmes
Narancia Ghirga changed his name to Fly High
Pannacotta Fugo: WHY ARE YOU SPELLING SHIT WRONG
Fly High: my autocrrost doesnt work
Pannacotta Fugo: YOU ABSOLUTE DUMBASS A FIVE YEAR OLD CAN SPELL BETTER THAN YOU
Fly High: yeah they haveauthocorrst tho
Narciso Annasui: Jolyne, you should leave.
Jolyne: wtf why
Narciso Annasui: It’s dangerous, I will protect you.
Leone Abbacchio: Fuck off.
Bruno Bucciarati: Ah, Annasui.
Bruno Bucciarati: Jolyne, how nice to be able to talk to you again
Jonathan Joestar: Oh! You’re Giorno’s friends!
Jonathan Joestar: Very nice to meet you again!
Leone Abbacchio: Is this mandatory
/Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Body Pillow/
Dec 22 2019, 12:46 pm
Mans Acquired: i love Guido
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: gay
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: wat he do
Mans Acquired: we’re sitting in his car at the lookout point
Mans Acquired: we got pizza on the way out of town
Mans Acquired: and this man just started streaming my favourite movie on his phone
Be Gay Punch Shit: Hes watching the room
Be Gay Punch Shit: Hes a saint
Mans Acquired: is 17 too young to get married
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: in this country yes
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: but you got yourself a keeper there Gio
Mans Acquired: i know
Mans Acquired: look at my bf
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar sent an image
Mans Acquired: oh no he saw me
Mans Acquired: gotta go
Be Gay Punch Shit: y’all are always making me feel lonely here
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: bro just confess to Okuyasu already
Be Gay Punch Shit: Ive tried
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: well try again
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: make sure theres no way he can misinterpret it
Be Gay Punch Shit: Id have to fuck him
Be Gay Punch Shit: And even that might not work
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: JUST DO IT
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: bitch
Be Gay Punch Shit: Fine
Be Gay Punch Shit: thot
Dec 22 2019, 3:29 pm
Josuke Joestar changed his nickname to Gay Heaven Now
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: told you
Gay Heaven Now: Id tell you to shut up but im too happy
Mans Acquired: why were you gone for three hours
Gay Heaven Now: We made out for like an hour or two
Gay Heaven Now: His hands are very big and warm
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: gross
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: but also mood
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: now that everythings been solved we have something to discuss
Mans Acquired: yes, we do
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i am used to a certain level of comfort that i cannot achieve while you two are in my room
Gay Heaven Now: Disgusting
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: im not talking about masturbation dumbass
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i am but a simple lesbian
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i enjoy sleeping in the same bed as my gf
Mans Acquired: i feel the same, but with Guido
Mans Acquired: we need a plan and schedule
Gay Heaven Now: The basement is gonna be empty the whole time
Gay Heaven Now: Whoever is being gay that night can use the basement with the broken side door
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: Hermes and i get the night of the 26
Mans Acquired: i’ll take tomorrow night then
Gay Heaven Now: Oku and i will take the 27 then
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: that went easier than expected
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: welp im gonna go play minecraft with Joot’s boyfriend
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: enjoy your gay hours fellas
Next update is going to be a double, and not done in chat style like they have been so far. Post one will be Saturday as usual, and the second will come out on Sunday. Regular posting schedule will resume afterwards.
Chapter 6: Last Christmas
It's Christmas eve, and Giorno Giovanna-Joestar isn't having a good time. That's about to change.
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Dec 24 2019, 1:46 pm
Giorno sighed heavily, dropping his phone onto his chest. Guido had left just after sunrise, and Giorno had slumped his way back up to Jolyne’s room in the cold air of the morning. The twins had still been asleep when he stumbled into his aunt’s hell furnace room, both twisted up in odd angles on the bed and one of the cots Jonathan had rolled in. Giorno rolled his eyes at the choking sounds of Josuke’s snores, and had flopped down onto his own cot.
That had been over six hours ago. He hadn’t fallen back to sleep, simply lying in the dark, hot room until the noises of Erina and George down in the kitchen had woken up the twins. Jolyne had kicked the two boys out, and Giorno let out another sigh as he’d lumbered down the stairs, joining his relatives in the dining room. Cousin Josuke was the only one who said they were coming and wasn’t there yet, so the house was busy.
Joseph had brought both of his roomates with him, and if Giorno didn’t know that Joseph was “Straight as can be”, his own words, he would’ve thought that his uncle and Caesar were married by the way they bickered and teased. Then there was Jotaro and Noriaki, the later smiling as he went on to talk with Jonathan, the former looking at him with a softness Giorno rarely saw on his face.
Johnny had his wheelchair parked by the table, and was deep in an argument with Diego over who knows what. Gyro was calmly eating beside his boyfriend, obviously used to it. Giorno hadn’t had much of a chance to talk to his only biological uncle yet, but he supposed it was for the best. He knew Diego didn’t know his brother that well either.
After breakfast Giorno had wandered back down to the basement, where he’d tried to text his friends in the hope that one of them would be free to hang out. The best he got was a sorry from Narancia, who said he was visiting his aunt for the holidays. That was when Giorno gave up, and decided to scroll his phone until he was inevitably called for dinner.
“Alright, get up there, Gio.” Jolyne called, leaning over the back of the couch, only her buns done, the part of her hair usually in a braid hanging around her shoulders. “We’re gonna go see a movie.”
Josuke popped us beside his twin sister, pouting with his eyes narrowed. “Now, now, none of that! I’m paying, so you will be coming.”
Giorno felt his anger swell, and rolled to face away from them. “I said, no.”
Suddenly he felt four hands on his back, and he was pushed off of the couch. Giorno tried to shout, but he was quickly swept up by his taller aunt and uncle. “Put me down! I’m not even dressed!”
“Neither are we.” Jolyne pointed out, shifting her arms under his armpits. It was true, all three teens were dressed in the matching flannel pyjamas Jonathan and Erina had gotten them for Christmas last year. Josuke’s purple shirt was paired with grey, magenta, and fuschia plaid pants, Jolyne’s navy shirt and her lime green, pink, and cerulean plaid bottoms, and Giorno’s own black shirt and gold, pink, and red plaid pants. The Joestars got matching pyjamas every year, given out on Christmas eve so that they’d all be wearing them in the photos taken on Christmas day.
“This is technically kidnapping, you know.” Giorno huffed, trying to dig his foot into Josuke’s side as the taller boy struggled to not only get his own shoes on, but also put Giorno’s on as well.
“Stop squirming, you little jerk.” He hissed as the smaller teen hit a sore spot along his ribs. “Look, behave and we’ll buy you those stupid candies you like so much.”
Giorno froze on the spot. “The gummy chilis?”
“Yeah.” Jolyne grunted, toeing her own boots on. “Those gross spicy gummies, two whole packs of them.”
“I will squirm less, under these new terms.”
None of the Joestars gave the trio odd looks, but Diego did huff out a laugh when he watched his nephew being dragged out of the house by the two youngest Joestars. “Have fun, little Gio!”
“Bye uncle Diego.” Giorno tried to wave, but he only ended up smacking Jolyne. Jotaro grumbled from his armchair, but a hint of a smile could be seen behind his coffee cup.
Josuke drove them to the town’s theatre, driving just as roughly as always in Jotaro’s van. He’d be angry when he finds out, but as long as it gets back in one piece, Giorno knew they wouldn’t get in too much trouble. After a particularly rough turn, they’re parked in the lot of the large movie theatre. Jolyne and Josuke each grabbed one of his arms, still convinced that Giorno was going to bolt the second they turned their eyes from him. Sure, that’s what he wanted to do, but he wouldn’t actually do it.
They watched Frozen 2, and they probably ruined it for some children in the theatre. Josuke had tried to steal some of the gummy chilis and cried until he drank the milkshake of the seven-year-old girl sitting in front of him, while Jolyne cackled along. Giorno had just smiled, shaking his head as Josuke fumbled to grab bills from his wallet as the girl’s mother lectured him.
It wasn’t long until they were rushing out of the theatre, dodging angry parents as the credits rolled past on screen. Giorno had to leave his drink behind in the rush, but luckily he had tucked the second bag of gummies into his pocket. Jolyne pulled them behind one of the shops across the street, checking her phone as the boys panted and checked for that one really buff father, the one who looked far too much like a WWE wrestler for them to be comfortable.
“Let’s hurry home.” She nudged them towards the parking lot, winking at Josuke. “Joot noticed his van’s missing.”
“Fuuuuck.” Josuke groaned, his face morphing into a look of regret and fear. “Are you sure we can’t just run away?”
Giorno huffs out a laugh, shaking his head. He feels his hair against his neck and startles at the realization that he didn’t put it up today. His rings had stayed from yesterday, but his braid was gone, still undone from when Guido had played with it last night. How had he not noticed?
“Let’s go.” Jolyne grinned as she dragged the boys along, back towards the van with the dolphin bumper sticker. “Joot says Jonathan wants us home as soon as possible. Family dinner’s a little earlier tonight.”
Giorno didn’t question this, just climbed into the van and held onto the door handle tightly as Josuke ripped off into the afternoon. It was just after four pm, and the sun was already showing signs of setting. Back in the safe warmth of the van, Giorno felt that hollow feeling that usually filled him around holidays. Family dinner, another faint reminder that Giorno was an intruder, the only blond in a house of dark haired Joestars, save Johnny. He was at least related to them by blood.
Giorno’s daze somehow blotted the number of cars from his mind, ignoring the way the lights shut off, the slight hiss from the windows. The twins grinned at each other as they pushed him into the house first, and Giorno’s hand shot out to open the front door by instinct alone.
“SURPRISE!” A hoard of voices shouted, and Giorno had to take a step back under the force of the wall of noise. There’s a lot of people in the Joestar family living room, all dressed up in Christmas gear to some extent. Giorno could easily pick his friends out of the crowd, from the antlers perched atop Guido and Narancia’s heads, the lights wrapped around Fugo, Bucciarati’s ugly sweater, Trish’s garland boa, and the oddly holiday themed black attire Abbacchio was wearing. “Merry Christmas, Giorno!”
He was startled, at least for a moment, and he felt Josuke and Jolyne lay their hands on his shoulders, pushing him further into the warm house. “Huh?”
His uncle Diego stepped out of the group, slinging an arm around him in a way that seemed almost like he had too much wine with his lunch. “It’s a party, Gio.”
Jonathan smiled, his sweater the absolute ugliest thing Giorno had ever laid eyes on, with little George hoisted up on his shoulders. “We know the holidays have always been a rough time for you, Giorno, and Jolyne and Josuke wanted you to really enjoy this one!”
Erina stepped up beside her massive husband, in a sweater that matched both his and George’s, a coherent little family amongst their large mess. “We all love you, Giorno, and we just wanted to make your Christmas special this year.”
He felt his eyes sting, and his chin starting to quiver. Giorno, not wanting to appear weak, turned his head to the side, teeth digging into his lip.
A pair of arms wrapped around him, Jolyne’s face smashing into his roughly as Josuke threw himself into the hug as well. Joseph threw himself onto the growing pile, dragging Johnny out of his wheelchair on the way. Cousin Josuke poked himself up from the back of the group, and added himself to the group hug along with Jonathan, Erina, and lastly Jotaro.
Giorno fell apart in their arms, letting his uncles and aunts hold up his weight as his eyes let his tears spill down his cheeks. He barely noticed Narancia throw himself into the mix at the edge of his vision, followed slowly by the rest of their little group.
Giorno was used to feeling alone, yet, in the warmth of the home that had felt so cold just that morning, in the arms of people he had once held at a distance, he finally felt at home.
Double update part one! Look out of part 2 tomorrow! Let me know if ya'll are interested in having more written chapters thrown in with the chat chapters!
Chapter 7: Home For the Holidays
The Christmas party is in full swing and Giorno's night can only get better!
Double update part 2! Regular posting schedule resumes now, next update will be Wednesday! Only one chapter left in this arc, before we move on to a smaller one!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Dec 24 2019, 8:19 pm
The party was in full swing, and Giorno needed a break. He’d led his friends down into the basement, to the small lounge where he and Guido had spent the night.
So much had happened over the last few hours. Once Giorno had regained his composure, cousin Josuke had finally introduced his surprise guest, his girlfriend Yasuho Hirose. She was sweet and smiled with so much joy that it felt like the room was brighter with her in it. So many people had wished him well, eating and chatting and having a good time. He even spent some time with his uncle Diego, although he did so with a tipsy Guido draped over his shoulder. Narancia had apparently swiped a bottle of wine, and the two had shared it while Bucciarati was too distracted to stop them.
Time had gotten lost to Giorno, and he was surprised to read the time on the large clock nestled in the empty basement. Had it really been four hours?
Narancia giggled, his antlers caught in Fugo’s lights. “Panna, I’m stuck! Hehe, we’re all tied together!”
Fugo didn’t look as angry as he normally would get, just simply used his steady hands to still Narancia’s, who was doing more harm than good to the tangle. “I can see.”
Trish smiled, looking rather comfortable in the armchair she had claimed for herself. “You alright there, Fugo?”
He grunted in response, trying to tame a squirming Narancia while unknotting the lights and fake antlers. His face had a soft look, though, one that didn’t really fit the way he normally interacted with the shorter boy.
“Giorno?” A voice called from the stairs, and he turned his head to find Jolyne blinking down at him, Josuke standing behind her. Her shirt was a little rumpled in the front, her lipstick messier than it had been before, and darker, as if it had mixed with a darker shade. Josuke was wearing Okuyasu’s jacket, zipped fully to cover his neck.
Instead of responding, Giorno lifted a hand towards them, before putting it back around Guido. He’d brought them matching sweaters, an early Christmas gift, he’d called them. Giorno didn’t want to sound mean, but oh dear god, they were so goddamn ugly. Guido’s signature blue and red mixed in a weird swirling pattern with gold and pink and horrid black lettering, and Giorno was about ninety percent sure the font was called blood, clearly reading “It Holiday Babee”. There were little gold goblins on the back, six of them to be precise, and ladybugs on the shoulders. The tiddy window was somehow the best part.
Giorno loved it thought, and wore it all night, even if Jotaro had sent him a weird look over the hole in the chest area. Some things were better left alone.
“Sorry, fellas, Trish, but we need to borrow him for a bit.” Jolyne smiled shakily, eyes clearly avoiding the side of the room where Abbacchio and Bucciarati were sitting. Must’ve been from their talk. “It won’t be long, promise.”
“You have our word!” Josuke piped up, leaning his head into view, hands coming up to shield his precious pomp.
Giorno shakes his head, and takes a minute to get himself free from Guido’s cocoon of warmth. The taller teen whined the whole time, but he settled after a quick kiss and promise of a quick return.
He follows the twins into the boiler room, sits himself on the horrid hand chair that used to sit in Joseph’s room, fumbles with his hands a little. He may have had some of the stolen wine himself.
Jolyne and Josuke, however, are far more stumbly. It is very clear that someone had been slipping them drinks, and Giorno is pretty confident that it was Jotaro’s friend Jean Pierre. He seemed far too gullible to be able to resist the terror twins.
“We wanted to give you one of your gifts early.” Jolyne muttered, and Giorno only now realized her hands were behind her back. “It’s from both of us, but the others are on board for it.”
Josuke nodded, his smile dopey and bright. “We worked really hard, so I’ll have to fight you if you laugh!”
Jolyne finally pulls out their gift, and Giorno stares at the framed paper, printed to look like a certificate with both of their messy handwriting all over it.
This certificate hereby states that Giorno Giovanna-Joestar is now the brother of Jonathan, Joseph, Jotaro, Josuke, and Jolyne Joestar, and all the other titles that come with.
Giorno’s eyes started to water, and his throat closed up. This was the most thoughtful gift he had ever received, and from his uncle and aunt, no, his sister and brother, no less. He carefully placed it on the hand chair as he stood, and threw himself, sobbing, into their arms.
They seemed spooked at first, before melding into it. This is probably why they pulled him away from his friends. Abbacchio, no matter how much he claims to hate Giorno, would fight anyone who hurt any of his friends, and a Christmas party was no time to watch Josuke get beat up by an emo gangster.
“I love you guys.” He managed between uneven sobs, face pressed into his brother’s shoulder.
“We love you too, Gio.” Josuke slurred, swaying the trio at a dangerous angle. If anyone else were in that hug, they would have fallen. “The little brother I always wanted!”
Jolyne laughed, all bright and harsh. “I’m not the youngest anymore! Guess who’s taking the hump seat!”
The trio laughed, wet and cheery, until Giorno had dried up. He detached himself from his siblings, both immediately messing up his hair as he went to pick up his plaque, which was going to be hung in his room the second Johnny, Gyro, and Diego left.
They were about to leave the boiler room when they heard a crash upstairs, followed by shouting. The trio looked at each other, before stumbling their way up the stairs.
At the top of the stairs, Giorno froze. The front door was open, and standing in the doorway, eyes narrowed, wrapped in a long scarf and golden jacket, was the last person Giorno expected to see.
Dio, his father.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Joseph hissed, only being held up by Caesar. He never could hold his liquor.
Dio raised on studded eyebrow, a look of disgust on his face. “Hello to you as well, brother. I came to see my son and give him his Christmas gift in person. Ah, Giorno, there you are.”
Giorno did little more than blink, and watched the man walk towards him, a neatly wrapped box in his hands. He felt someone behind him, and without turning, he knew one of his friends had come up the stairs to check on the situation. Trish, judging by her perfume.
“Go on, take it.” Dio said, not smiling, but no longer glaring. “Can’t open it until tomorrow, though. Rules of the season.”
Giorno didn’t move, didn’t even look down at the box extended towards him. “Why are you here?”
Dio frowned, sighing. “I just told you. What, is Joseph’s stupidity contagious?”
“No, I know why you came.” Giorno felt his arms begin to shake, his anger and resentment and all the other ugly feelings thinking of his father had always caused taking over. “But what gives you the right to come?”
“I got an invitation.” He ground out, golden eyes flashing. “Didn’t I, Jojo?”
Jonathan didn’t answer, but he did nervously glance between the two blonds.
“Doesn’t matter, you’ve been uninvited.” Giorno ground out, and he could taste the poison his words were dripping on his tongue, and he knew his eyes held the same hostile glint he saw in those gold ones in the old family photos. “Either leave, or leave me alone, I couldn’t care less.”
Dio’s expression didn’t change, but his shoulders did flinch a little, and Giorno felt a miniscule sense of victory at that. “I was under the impression that you wanted me here, son.”
The last word was spat, and felt like an acid slap to the face, but Giorno knew he had to hold his ground. This was the climax his life had been building up to these last weeks. “Maybe this morning, but not now. Not ever, ever again. I thought I was alone, but I know that I’m not. You’re not my family, not really, and you never will be. I know my family, and they care for me and love me, unlike you, who couldn’t find time to visit his son in six fucking years. So go back to that hole you spent that time in, and never, ever, speak my name again.”
Giorno turned and stomped back down into the basement, avoiding Trish’s eyes as he stormed past. It was clear that the others had heard the exchange, but Giorno didn’t care, couldn’t care anymore. He threw himself back into the spot he’d held before, and flung himself into Guido’s waiting arms eagerly, his emotions turning tail, leaving only the pure terror facing his father left. Facing Dio, that man wasn’t his father, Jonathan had been more of a father to him than Dio ever was, so if he were to call anyone his father, it would be the man who he now called brother.
He felt a shiver wrack his body, before another body wrapped itself around him, then another, and another, until the whole group was somehow perched on the small couch, the only sound Giorno’s ragged breathing. No, he had no father, but he knew he had a family, both in the Joestars, and in Passione, the people who held the spots closest to his heart.
After this arc dates are going to start getting a little skippy so I can catch up lmao. My doc for this is like 90 pages already, so updates are going to be coming around for at least a little longer.
Chapter 8: Marshmellow World
Christmas day with the Joestars
/Jonathan’s Good Time Friends/
Dec 25 2019, 10:12 am
SPW Found: Merry Christmas, chaps!
SPW Found: Ope the days treatn you better than last night!
Jon: Thank you, Speedwagon, and Merry Christmas to you, too!
Jon: Dio left last night, after the incident, so things are a lot less hostile here now!
Saint: Yes, Giorno looks a little tired, but he seems in good spirits!
Saint: Josuke and Jolyne are tending to him rather nicely, I think they’re happy to have a younger brother.
SPW Found: That sounds lovely
Wine Uncle: good morning
Jon: Merry Christmas, Baron!
Jon: Will you be joining us tonight?
Wine Uncle: I will come to see my brothers, but I must fly back to Italy this afternoon to see our parents
Wine Uncle: they are not very happy that Caesar and Gyro are spending the holidays in America
Saint: Oh no, that’s not good.
Wine Uncle: it is what it is, dear Erina
Wine Uncle: is my god son having a good Christmas?
Jon: George seems to be having a great day! He’s very happy with all the gifts he got from his uncles and aunt! He’s even more excited to hear that Giorno is now officially his uncle, unless you count legality.
SPW Found: Did he find my gift?
Jon: Oh, yes! He loves the hat!
Saint: Please tell me there are no knives in it.
SPW Found: The hat is not a weapon
Saint: We’ll send you a photo when he gets back from playing in the yard with the new sled cousin Josuke and Yasuho gave him!
Saint: It’s from Morioh, so we’ll have to make sure it is also not a weapon later.
Jon: He’s wearing the RAF pilot’s jacket Joseph brought him, with the scarf and earmuff combo Suzi Q and Caesar made!
Wine Uncle: so precious
Jon: Jotaro got him a book he wrote about electric eels, since George told him this summer that they were his favourite during our aquarium trip. Noriaki got him a stuffed one to match!
Saint: And Johnny and Gyro teamed up to get him a saddle, which they say is for him to put on Slow Dancer when he finally goes to visit them this summer.
Jon: He is very excited about that!
Jon: But, I think my favourite of his gifts is Giorno’s!
SPW Found: What did he get im?
Saint: One of those yolks you can hook up to a flight sim, and a flight sim for the PS Josuke and Jolyne got him!
Wine Aunt: don’t you already have a PS?
Jon: Yes, but the twins thought it would be good for him to have his own, now that he has a TV in his room, from us!
Saint: It is small and came with a small DVD player, and it comes with an app so we can set hours on it!
SPW Found: Like an automated curfew?
Jon: You bet! We promised not to go overboard, though, and we set it to shut off at his bed time and to unlock at the time he normally wakes up for school.
SPW Found: Sure sounds like the little one is having a great holiday!
Saint: He sure is! I think he’s just excited to see the whole family in one place.
/Joseph Learns His Fucking Manners/
Dec 25 2019, 12:12 pm
Caesarino: Where the fuck are you
God’s Mistake: >:)
Caesarino: Joseph I swear we will kick you out
Mamma Mia: We won’t
Caesarino: Don’t tell him that he’ll never tell us where he is!
Fire Safety: Merry Christmas, guys!
Mamma Mia: Merry Christmas, Smokey!
Mamma Mia: Is everything okay back in New York?
Fire Safety: Things are looking great!
Fire Safety: How’s visiting Joseph’s family going?
Caesarino: Jojo ran off and we can’t find him
God’s Mistake: relax im with my nephew
Joseph Joestar sent an image
Caesarino: Please tell me you aren’t going to get him hurt
God’s Mistake: relax
God’s Mistake: i know how to take care of children
God’s Mistake: btw he says thanks
Mamma Mia: He looks so cute in his new muffs!
Caesarino: I’m glad he likes the scarf
God’s Mistake: yea he is really hapnihahvkudhv o[qe8
Caesarino: What the fuck did you do now
Caesarino: Erina will kill you if George is hurt
God’s Mistake: the morioh sled was tied to my ankle and dragged me down the hill
Dec 25 2019, 12:37
Jomom: Is anyone free to take Joseph to the hospital?
Dec 25 2019, 1:13 pm
Noriaki Kakyoin sent an image
Gamer Nation: Merry Christmas!
The Future is Doomed: Why are you at the hospital?
Dolphin Lover: My brother was attacked by a children’s sled.
The Future is Doomed: I see
It’s Spelled Croissant: which one
Dolphin Lover: Joseph.
It’s Spelled Croissant: oh good
It’s Spelled Croissant: glad it wasnt giorno
The Future is Doomed: How is he doing now?
Gamer Nation: When we left the house, he was with the twins
Gamer Nation: They all looked very happy
Dolphin Lover: Go ahead.
The Future is Doomed: ?
Gamer Nation: Okay so I had just given them my gifts and I don’t mean to flex but I think I gave them the best gifts ever!
It’s Spelled Croissant: oh do tell mon ami
Gamer Nation: Well, I got Giorno a new jacket with his name across the back and down the sleeves, ladybugs on the collar and everything!
Gamer Nation: For Josuke, the newest F Mega game and the expansion DLC, plus a themed controller
Gamer Nation: And, for Jolyne, a year’s worth of kick boxing lessons at the sports plex!
Dolphin Lover: She’s been whining about doing martial arts for years now.
Dolphin Lover: Hopefully this will shut her up.
The Future is Doomed: Congratulations, Noriaki
The Future is Doomed: You must have put a lot of thought into your gifts
It’s Spelled Croissant: wow nori
It’s Spelled Croissant: ur not even an inlaw and ur already trying to impress jotaros family
Dolphin Lover: Polnareff.
Dolphin Lover: I am coming to collect your knee caps.
It’s Spelled Croissant: u dont scare me
Gamer Nation: Oh shit he’s running to the van
It’s Spelled Croissant: au revoir i am returning to the homeland oefaliefalj
Chapter 9: Venus
Now that Chirstmas is over, the Joestars return to their bullshit. Joseph has a bad idea.
Title from Venus by Bananarama
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Dec 28 2019, 2:00pm
Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: Daily reminder that Josuke Joestar is a little bitch and owes me $5,000
Smol: I thought it was only $50?
Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: I’m charging interest.
Kira’s Hand Kink: Jeez calm down rohan
Kira’s Hand Kink: Ill be able to pay you after my birthday
Hair: Get a job.
Kira’s Hand Kink: No u
Hand It To Ya: yo Rohan can i borrow 20 bucks
Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: Wtf no
Kira’s Hand Kink: What do you need babe
Hand It To Ya: i wanna buy a sandwich
Hair: A sandwich does not cost $20
Hand It To Ya: it does from tonios
Kira’s Hand Kink: Come pick me up and well go together
Smol: Aren’t you broke, Josuke?
Kira’s Hand Kink: Ouch
Kira’s Hand Kink: I wont be paying
Kira’s Hand Kink: Jotaro left his wallet by the coatrack
Smol: He’s going to kill you!
Kira’s Hand Kink: Only if he finds out
Dec 28 2019, 2:38 pm
Joot: If anyone sees brother Josuke.
Joot: Tell him he’s already dead.
Jomom: Jotaro, do we need to have this conversation again?
Jomom: We don’t kill our siblings, or threaten them with death. That’s not good.
Joot: Josuke stole my fucking wallet again. Kakyoin and I were going to go to dinner tonight.
Hoelyne Hoestar: no worries Jotaro i will personally assassinate him in Noris honour
Hoelyne Hoestar: figuratively
Spin Cycle: Can someone tell Gyro to come upstairs
Spin Cycle: Diego stole my fucking wheelchair
Spin Cycle: Thank you civil jojo
Joseph Joestar changed Josuke Higashikata’s nickname to Civil Jojo
Civil Jojo: I mean
Civil Jojo: I’m thankful but sometimes some of you are civil?
Jingle Bells: dont lie 2 urself
Spin Cycle: Wow joseph is being civil today
Jingle Bells: ill hide ur wheelchair
Spin Cycle: Ill sick Gyro on you
Shining Homosexual: Children children youre both disgusting
Joot: Your hours are limited.
Shining Homosexual: Oh would you look at the time i think its time for me to move out
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to GioGio
GioGio: i’ll take his makeup
Shining Homosexual: No wait
Jomom: Guys, please!
Jomom: It’s the holidays, we should be getting along!
Jingle Bells: speaking of getting along
Civil Jojo: Oh no
Jingle Bells: annual jojo dinner is coming up
Joot: I thought we banned that years ago.
Jomom: Surprisingly not.
Jodad: I remember the first annual JoJo dinner.
Spin Cycle: Didnt dio bring ten members from his sex cult
GioGio: fits his character
Jodad: It was three, actually, Vanilla Ice, Mariah, and that old woman.
Jomom: Enya, I believe.
Jodad: Right, Enya, who brought her son J Giel.
Joot: Bastard Boy.
Jingle Bells: he tried to stab me outside a church once
Civil Jojo: Is this event mandatory?
Jingle Bells: very much yes
Jingle Bells: its iconic as hell
Jodad: Ah, yes, every JoJo brings their s/o to dinner to compete in secret games for a meaningless title. Highlight of my year.
Hoelyne Hoestar: Erina bringing on the sass
Joot: Remember that one year that Joseph brought a girl he bought on Craigslist.
Jingle Bells: it seemed like a good idea at the time
GioGio: she was actually Bruno’s cousin
Shining Homosexual: We cant cancel it this year
Shinging Homosexual: Like for once majority of us have someone to bring
Jingle Bells: yea its only me and jolyne
Hoelyne Hoestar: actually
Hoelyne Hoestar: nows as good a time as any
Hoelyne Hoestar: Hermes and i have been dating for about two years now
GioGio: you said you got together this summer
Hoelyne Hoestar: haha whoops
Jomom: While I’m sad it took you this long to trust us with this information, I am very happy for you, Jolyne!
Jingle Bells: adds to my point
Jingle Bells: im the only single 1 i can b head judge
Jomom: Only if we agree that this time the competition will be less competitive.
Jodad: No one will be going to the hospital this year.
Jingle Bells: YESS!!
Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Head Judge
Head Judge: my panel will b me jonathan and erina
Head Judge: everyone book off jan 1 were doing it again
Hoelyne Hoestar: how many activities this time
Jodad: I think no more than five.
Spin Cycle: I vote for the timeless height challenge
GioGio: Gyro has everyone else beat automatically, that’s not fair
Shining Homosexual: Its supposed to be challenges dumbass
Jomom: We will not be judging on height, or any other category that has a clear winner as of right now.
Jomom: I’d like to propose charades!
Shining Homosexual: Drinking game
Jodad: Some of you are underage!
GioGio: not in the home country
Jomom: There will be no alcohol at the annual JoJo dinner this year.
Head Judge: dammit
Head Judge: anyways
Head Judge: first challenge will be reaction to my outfit
Head Judge: as i will spend the whole evening dressed as dio
GioGio: oh dear god no
Head Judge: and of course impersonation of their jojo
Shining Homosexual: Oh yes
Spin Cycle: POSE POINTS
Civil Jojo: Joestar family trivia?
Hoelyne Hoestar: thats the spirit cousin Josuke!
Joot: Final challenge should be a video call with cousin Joshu.
Joot: If they survive they win.
Jomom: While I believe you should all be nicer to cousin Joshu, those sound like a nice set of challenges!
GioGio: please tell me Dio will not be invited
Jodad: He will not be.
Jomom: He was banned after the fire incident of 2012.
Head Judge: all is set then
Head Judge: invite yalls dates
Hoelyne Hoestar: this is gonna be epic
Shining Homosexual: Oku says hes excited to have dinner with you all
Joot: So many words from someone who will soon be dead.
Shining Homosexual: Ill make you a bet
Shining Homosexual: If Oku does better than Kak i dont have to pay you back
Joot: That is literally impossible, so I agree. If Kakyoin beats Okuyasu you pay me back. If Kakyoin wins overall, you do that and then treat us to dinner at Tonio’s, for a month.
Shining Homosexual: And if Oku wins overall you do the same for us
Jodad: Oh dear.
Next update will be a double one, so the next two updates are going to be Wednesday and Thursday.
Chapter 10: Lay All Your Love On Me
The Annual JoJo dinner has arrived! Jolyne regrets agreeing.
Title from Lay All Your Love On Me by Abba
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Jan 1 2020, 4:29 pm
Jolyne was nervous. Tonight would be the first time that Hermes would be around her family as her girlfriend, to all of them. And, it was the annual JoJo dinner. Jolyne wished she could warn her girlfriend about the events to come, but that would have them be disqualified. It almost seemed worthwhile.
“Baby, look at me.” Hermes sighed, gently turning Jolyne’s head towards her. They were sitting in Hermes’ car, parked outside the Joestar home. Delaying. “It’s going to be fine, you don’t need to worry so much.”
Jolyne whined, pouting at the taller girl. Hermes was dressed in a nice, dark green dress, that somehow felt revealing and conservative all at once. Her hair was pulled back, still in dreads as usual. Jolyne herself was dressed in the blue and green number she’d worn to the school’s dance in November, swirly and spotted with a butterfly across her chest. They looked nice, and Jolyne wished that they were all dressed up for a date rather than a competitive dinner with her family.
Hermes smiled, leaned in to press a soft kiss against her lips. Jolyne felt her mind go blank, and she hummed, trying to draw it out for as long as possible.
“Well!” Hermes grinned, ending the kiss with one last smacking peck. “Let’s go!”
Jolyne groaned, and she felt death approaching. She doubted that she was going to survive the evening.
Hermes grabbed her hand as they strolled up to the door, and her mood spiked. Maybe things wouldn’t be too bad. Her girlfriend was the best, and Jolyne had been feeding her trivia for years, and there was no way she would be embarrassed tonight. Hermes was incapable of embarrassing her. She forgot her brothers.
Joseph opened the door in a flourish, dressed in only the most ridiculous thing that could only have been dragged from the depths of Dio Brando’s closet. His chest was covered, if one could even say that, in a skin-tight black shirt that shone like silk, covered in an electric yellow suit jacket. Green hearts covered his crotch and knees, with pointed gold elf boots. The black shirt seemed to actually be a black bodysuit, which really made looking below the belt awkward. There was a weird metal collar around his neck and his pants were just legs, held up solely by the thin green straps connected to the green heart belt. “Greetings, lesbians! Welcome to Joestar manner!”
Jolyne nervously glanced at Hermes. The first challenge had already started. Hermes paused, taking in all of Joseph with wide eyes. It was silent on the porch for a minute, until Hermes smiled nervously. “Thank you for the warm welcome. Joseph, yes? So nice to see you again.”
Thank god they were so used to Annasui dressing like a cheap hooker every day. Challenge one? Completed, hopefully with high points. “Alright, Joseph, let us in.”
Joseph nodded, grinning his maddest smile. “Of course, of course. Dinner’s at five thirty, everyone else is in the living room. Jonathan’s doing a little trivia!”
Jolyne dragged her girlfriend away from her brother, both removing their shoes at the doorway. Jonathan was running the trivia, so hopefully it wasn’t too cut throat.
Hermes stopped Jolyne before she could drag them into the living room. “Hey, hey. Baby, look at me. What’s wrong?”
“Spsh, nothing’s wrong, it’s all good here!” Jolyne knew the second her mouth opened that none of what she just said was believable.
Hermes gave her a look, before pulling her into a hug. “I know you won’t tell me, at least not yet, but do know this.” Hermes pulled away just enough to give her a gentle kiss. “I love you, and if you wanna leave, say the word, and I’ll drive us to my dad’s restaurant.”
God, Jolyne loved this girl, so much. She told her so, and kissed her soundly, once more. She wished she could have taken up her offer, but she caught her twin’s eyes as he shuffled back into the living room, and knew escape was impossible. “Jolyne’s here!”
shorter chapter this time, but there will be another update tomorrow!
Chapter 11: Happy Together
Josuke was originally excited for Jojo Dinner, but will the night end the way he hopes? Or will he owe Jotaro more?
Title from Happy Together by the Turtles, which is an all-time favourite of mine.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Jan 1 2020, 4:56 pm
Josuke and Okuyasu had been the third pair there. Johnny and Gyro had never left, and Noriaki had returned from the store with the food Erina had requested earlier. Yasuho and cousin Josuke returned from a tour of the city just after he himself had arrived back. Jolyne and Hermes entered next, and only Giorno was left to arrive with his date, Mista.
Okuyasu had stared at Joseph, and Josuke thought he was going to flip until he smiled and complemented his outfit. Josuke was a little scared that he wasn’t lying in his praise, but that was a conversation for after they’d beaten Jotaro and Noriaki.
Okuyasu actually dressed up, with a navy shirt with a real collar and black slacks, both of his regular belts and his dark high top sneakers still in place. For himself, Josuke was wearing his favourite purple dress shirt with the golden tie his nephew Geroge had gotten him for Christmas. His hair was in it’s usual pomp, tinted purple from the last time he and Jolyne had gotten their hair dyed.
Trivia with Jonathan wasn’t too bad, if you left out how horribly they were doing. Noriaki was a champ, smiling as he smoothly answered all the questions directed towards him. Jotaro wasn’t smiling, but the look he sent Josuke was definitely smug. Okuyasu, yeah, wasn’t doing so well. When he was asked how many children George I and Mai had, he’d said none, as George was ten.
Really, everyone else had points in round two other than Josuke and his boyfriend. Yasuho, through some translation, got a few, and Gyro had learned a few things from living with Johnny. Even Hermes had gotten two in the few minutes she’d been there, and it was making Josuke nervous. He didn’t have the money to pay Jotaro back, let alone pay for Tonio’s.
Ten minutes in, Giorno and Mista arrived, the blond holding the taller boy’s arm as they greeted the family. Mista looked scared out of his mind, eyes glancing between the Joestars nervously. Giorno, for his part, had a peaceful smile on his face, and when the pair sat down on one of the couches, he leaned his head against his boyfriend’s shoulder.
By the end of trivia with Jonathan, Josuke had lost track of points. Questions had started at things as easy as ‘how many Joestars still lived in the Joestar home’ to ‘name every Higashikata’ to ‘how many bastards are in the family’. Okuyasu still looked like he was having fun, and after he had gotten one right, he’d proudly pressed a kiss to Josuke’s cheek, who’d given him one right back. Eventually, Erina came in to break it up, telling them proudly that dinner was ready.
Dinner itself was delicious. Udon, shepherd’s pie, and caprese salad dishes were served as mains, the salad mainly for Hermes, a vegetarian. Sushi, lasagna, and bruschetta ciabatta, and a number of non-alcoholic drinks spread around. It was actually pretty civil, and Josuke was enjoying sharing food with his boyfriend and family.
“Attention!” Joseph banged his knife on his wine class, which was filled with strawberry Fruitopia, until it shattered onto the table and his plate. “Oop. We’ll deal with that later. Anyways, I was thinking about doing a little game as we eat!”
Oh dear god, it was impersonation time. Josuke nervously looked around the table, and only managed to make eye contact with cousin Josuke. He didn’t look as nervous, but he did offer him a small smile.
Joseph, still dressed as Dio, grinned his most mischievous grin. “Every guest here, I would love to see your impression of your significant JoJo, huh? Hmm, let’s see. Okuyasu! Why don’t you go first?”
Oh jeez, this probably meant they were in last place. Okuyasu grinned, wiping his face roughly with his napkin. He cleared his throat, stood up, and stuck his butt out. “Hi, I’m Josuke Joestar, and I put the ass in late assignment! What was that? Debt? Doesn’t exist if you ignore it! What was that? My hair is stupid? Well you won’t be able to see straight in a minute, teehee!”
Josuke buried his face in his hands, cheeks hotter than the sun. People around the table cheered, and Okuyasu through an arm around him as he took his seat again. Josuke loved Okuyasu, but he couldn’t recover from hearing his boyfriend say he put the ass in late assignment.
Surprise, the next update is going to be a double as well! 12 and 13 will be coming out Saturday and Sunday, then back to regular posting.
Chapter 12: Romantic Traffic
Jotaro has a lot on the line for this year's dinner. Will he and Kakyoin be able to live up to his expectations?
Title from Romantic Traffic by Spoons
Jotaro was having a decent time. He and Kakyoin had done this as a pair for four years now, having won twice. The redhead was not aware of this, as it was stated in the rules that participants could not be aware of the competition. It really didn’t matter, since Kakyoin always did rather well. Jotaro had no doubt that his boyfriend could complete their hat trick that evening.
They were on the third challenge out of five, the impersonations. Jotaro had no clue how they were being judged, but knowing Joseph, it was probably less about accuracy and more about being made fun of. Okuyasu probably gained some points, then, and Jotaro had to admit that it was funny to watch Jonathan react to that show.
Gyro had done a fabulous job of highlighting Johnny’s assholelery, and Yasuho had informed them through hers that she had seen Josuke naked, if her comment on his extra testicles was anything to go by. Hermes had somehow made hers sound like one big innuendo, raising her voice and throwing salty comments around while making enough eye contact with a blushing Jolyne for everyone else at the table to feel heavily uncomfortable.
Mista, next up, looked like he wanted to politely decline, but a nudge and a soft smile from the youngest Joestar at the table had him standing, one leg on his chair, his right hand placed over his heart. “I, Giorno Giovanna-Joestar, have a dream, one that I know is just. As your Vice President of Student Council, I will do all in my power to protect the student body from harm within itself.”
The highschoolers at the table burst out laughing, and even Giorno himself laughed a little before kissing his boyfriend’s cheek. Jolyne shrieked, banging her fist against the table. “You memorized his acceptance speech!”
“Word for word!” Mista grinned, pulling the blond into his side. Jotaro nodded, humming. That wasn’t half bad. Then, his heart stopped. It was their turn.
Kakyoin turned to face him, winking before going out to the foyer. No one said anything at the table, and Jotaro really wished he hadn’t taken his hat off when he came in. Wait.
Noriaki lumbered into the room, Jotaro’s hat placed low on his head and one of his jackets draped over him, large enough that it looked like a blanket. “Yare yare daze.”
A few people snorted, and Jotaro felt his face grow red. Kakyoin pulled his hat down, sighing heavily. “Dolphins are the most intelligent sea creatures, and I like them more than I like my own family.”
Joseph howled with laughter, and Kakyoin broke character as he started laughing too. He removed his hat, grinning as he threw his body over Jotaro’s. They better have gotten a ton of points for that one, otherwise Kakyoin was going to have to find his own way back to Florida.
After impressions, they finished dinner, and Erina moved to serve desserts. Jonathan followed her to the kitchen, looking like a puppy eager to help. Tiramisu and coffee, a nice way to end the dinner portion. It was rather quick, and Jotaro dreaded what was coming next. Pose points.
Pose points was silly and pointless, so everything Jotaro hated. They pretended that it was photos, to show off everyone’s outfits, but really it was to see who could pose the best. And by best, he meant goofiest. Kakyoin hadn’t done so hot last year, as he had done as Jotaro wished and taken a normal photo. Not this year. He had to beat Josuke.
“We’re first for photos.” Jotaro grunted, pulling his boyfriend to stand in front of the fireplace. “Go ham.”
Noriaki looked surprised, before grinning. He loved this kind of thing, making something fun and memorable. Of course, Jotaro was happy with his outfit, most of all. Kakyoin looked good in green, a pressed shirt in a dark shade, with matching pants. His tie had little cherries on it, just like his signature earrings. Jotaro was in all black, a turtleneck and slacks. The shorter man maneuvered him around, bending his knees and pushing his chest back.
Noriaki’s chosen pose, apparently, was Jotaro doing a wall sit, arms crossed over his chest as Noriaki sat on his knees, one arm thrown around his neck, the other held out to the side. It was a little uncomfortable, but Jotaro felt that the smile on his boyfriend’s face made up for the ache in his thighs.
Chapter 13: The Time of My Life
The night sums up, and Giorno's first JoJo Dinner does too.
Title from (I've Had) The Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
January 1 2020, 7:23 pm
Giorno was enjoying the night. Mista had been very nervous at first, but it seemed that he relaxed as time wore on. His fedora, which replaced his usual hat, sat on his dark curls neatly, black like the stripes on his usual pants. His sweater covered his entire abdomen, both a blessing and a curse, dark blue squares with lighter lines and black accents. He’d worn pants that weren’t animal print, probably his sole pair, a soft charcoal with accented Giorno’s favourite points. He looked nice.
Giorno, for his part, paired his black suit with a blue shirt to cover the part of his chest that normally was out in the open.
Pose points was coming to an end, the pair smiling wide as the camera flashed. Guido was posed like he was going to shoot a pistol, Giorno’s arm wrapped around his shooting arm, the other on his waist, fingers dipping closer to his waistline. Once Erina gave them the all clear, they took their spot back on the couch. Giorno made sure to curl up close to his boyfriend, kissing his cheek as a prize of his own for a good job over the whole evening.
A ringtone went off, and Jonathan grimaced as he checked his phone. “Oh, wow, it’s cousin Joshu! What a surprise, he wants a video chat!”
Giorno’s stomach dropped, a feeling of dread filling him. He held onto Mista tighter, tucking his face into his shoulder. He’d met cousin Joshu once, at a family reunion back when he was still a kid and his dad actually pretended to care about him by visiting. That week had scarred him, maybe for life even. Joshu had mistaken him for a girl, and even knowing they were related, he spent the whole day making creepy comments to both him and Jolyne. Giorno was not looking forward to a repeat of that day.
“Decline it!” Gyro shouted. He was probably the only non-Joestar who’d met him, so his reaction made sense.
“No, he’s family!” Joseph tried to be convincing, but it was plainly obvious that he didn’t want this. “And it’s too late, Jonathan already accepted the call! Go on, Jon, pass him around!”
The phone was passed around, and Giorno shuddered as he thought about what would happen when it finally came to them. Guido squeezed his shoulder, probably thinking he was cold. He was sweet, but sometimes he was as dumb as Narancia.
“Okay, bye, Joshu!” Jolyne shouted, fuming as she threw the phone to Jotaro. Their cousin probably made a comment to Hermes, if Giorno had to guess. Jolyne’s girlfriend looked fairly uncomfortable, conflicted and just overall grossed out. The usual reaction to cousin Joshu.
“Your turn.” Jotaro grunted, shoving the phone into Giorno’s chest. Show time.
“Cousin Joshu.” Giorno greeted, trying to seem civil. Joseph was watching, afterall. “Nice to see you again. This is Mista, my boyfriend. Mista, my cousin Joshu.”
“Another gay?” Joshu sighed, throwing his head back. “Something’s wrong with your side of the family, none of you appreciate the true glory of women.”
Guido looked more than uncomfortable, but he still spoke. “I don’t know about women, but Giorno’s pretty glorious himself. Nice bangs, though.”
Giorno had to stop himself from laughing as Joshu bragged about doing his own hair and how salons and barbers were a scam. Guido gave him another squeeze, that mischievous glint in his eye. There was a high chance that once this was over and Giorno had snuck out to meet him in his car that they would make fun of that awful hair for hours.
Giorno quickly tossed the phone to cousin Josuke as soon as he barked out a farewell to his cousin, letting out his laugher into the collar of Guido’s sweater. The taller teen’s laugher rumbled into his hair, Yasuho’s disgusted comments only making it harder for the teens to breathe.
Jonathan wrapped it up quickly after the call, trying to send everyone either home or up to their rooms so the scores could be tallied. Giorno had walked Guido out to his car, which the taller boy was leaning against, arms crossed. “How’d I do?”
Giorno smiled at him, trying to quell the nervous energy he felt radiating from his boyfriend, “Guido, they love you, you have nothing to worry about. They liked you before, and they’ll like you even if you break my heart. You did wonderfully.”
He gave him a tight hug, separating with a quick kiss and a promise to see him later. Giorno’s first JoJo dinner was a success.
And we're back to regular posting! If there's something you want to know about this AU, or if you want to see the 'missing parts' from this fic, you can send me prompts over on my other fic, which updates as I get prompts.
Chapter 14: Lovefool
The results from the JoJo Dinner, and the gang goes lightly feral
Title from Lovefool by the Cardigans
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Jan 2 2020,12:45 pm
Shining Homosexual: Who won
Head Judge: ask nicely
Shining Homosexual: Do i owe jotaro money or not dammit
Jomom: Josuke! Don’t talk to your brother like that!
Head Judge: yeah josuke
Jomom: Joseph, you’re an adult, act your age.
Hoelyne Hoestar: just post the scores, please
Jodad: Thank you for using your manners, Jolyne.
Jodad: Joseph, tell them the scores.
Head Judge: fine fine
Head Judge: in last place and officially the worst iis gyro
Spin Cycle: Not again
Jomom: He lost a lot of points for being rude to Joshu, Johnny.
Jodad: You got lots of Pose Points, but his impersonation was not what we were expecting.
Head Judge: he also insulted my outfit and sent photos to diego
Head Judge: hes rude
Spin Cycle: Yeah, duh
Spin Cycle: Thats why i love him
Head Judge: placing fifth overall was yasuho
Civil Jojo: Oh dear, I thought we did rather well?
Jomom: Well, she did rather well in all the events!
Head Judge: her impersonation was disturbing
Head Judge: i didnt need to know that shes seen ur balls
Civil Jojo: Ah, I see.
Civil Jojo: I’m sorry.
Head Judge: next was a tie for third
Jodad: Both Okuyasu and Noriaki did really well!
Jodad: Okuyasu just didn’t know any of our trivia and Noriaki failed Joseph’s challenge.
Shining Homosexual: What we gonna do now
Joot: Wrestle. Basement, now.
Shining Homosexual: Deal
Jomom: Don’t hurt each other, and please don’t break anything!
Hoelyne Hoestar: wait does that mean
Hoelyne Hoestar: Joseph who won
Head Judge: Mista
GioGio: i see
Hoelyne Hoestar: yes, silver
Jodad: Congratulations, you two!
Jomom: Now we don’t have to worry about this for another year.
Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Rat
Rat: 2020 is the year of the rat
GioGio: and how did you figure this one out
Rat: tik tok
Hoelyne Hoestar: are you finally admitting that you have a drag account on tik tok
Shining Homosexual: He has a what
Hoelyne Hoestar: Joseph does drag on tik tok
Rat: to promote business
Hoelyne Hoestar: you have like a patreon too
Spin Cycle: This is gold
Rat: how would you know
Hoelyne Hoestar: Weather found it last month
Hoelyne Hoestar: sent me the video where you harass Caesar
Rat: i meant the patreon
Hoelyne Hoestar: he bought in to the top tier
Spin Cycle: Jolyne you have to introduce me to this weather guy
Civil Jojo: Is he the criminal?
Hoelyne Hoestar: naw thats Annasui, whos also a stalker
Hoelyne Hoestar: Weathers the tall one who was held back a year
Jodad: Jolyne, once again, I beg you to please stop being around Annasui.
Hoelyne Hoestar: its fine
Hoelyne Hoestar: Weather would kill him if he did anything
Spin Cycle: Arent you also friends with a child
Hoelyne Hoestar: Emporio?
Hoelyne Hoestar: i mean hes not a child, hes 11
Hoelyne Hoestar: its more like we babysit him as a group for free
Shining Homosexual: Your friends are weird just admit it
Hoelyne Hoestar: like youre one to talk
Hoelyne Hoestar: dont you hang out with that artist who eats bugs
Shining Homosexual: Rohan ate one bug once and i do not choose to hang out with him
Shining Homosexual: Koichi invites him everywhere
GioGio: what about mikitaka
Shining Homosexual: Okay well oku and i think hes an alien and were waiting for him to slip up
Shining Homosexual: Again its koichi
Shining Homosexual: Theyre dating
Rat: didnt she kidnap him
Shining Homosexual: Misunderstanding
Spin Cycle: I heard she set someone on fire last year
Shining Homosexual: Misunderstanding
Hoelyne Hoestar: how
Shining Homosexual: Just is
GioGio: i saw it happen, and that is not true
Shining Homosexual: Yeah well what about your friends
GioGio: what about them?
Jomom: Well, Giorno, no offense to your friends.
Rat: full offense theyre weird
Spin Cycle: What was up with those sweaters you were wearing at the party
Spin Cycle: Why were their goblins
GioGio: Guido says that they’re his hamsters
Civil Jojo: He has hamsters?
GioGio: his parents breed hamsters for a living in their basement, and they accidentally got six mixed breeds a while back so they let Guido keep them
Rat: hol up
Rat: they breed hamsters
GioGio: and you do drag on tik tok, your point?
Rat: lets not go back to that
Shining Homosexual: So i owe jotaro money
Hoelyne Hoestar: you seriously thought you could beat Jotaro
Shining Homosexual: I am boo boo the fool
Jotaro Joestar changed Josuke Joestar’s nickname to Biggest Loser
Joot: It will stay until you pay.
Biggest Loser: But i also owe rohan
Hoelyne Hoestar: bruh its been months
Biggest Loser: Your point
Jomom: Josuke, you should be more responsible with your money!
Jodad: Why do you owe Rohan money?
Biggest Loser: I may have technically cheated at dice and when he tried to forfeit i ran off with his money
GioGio: how do you technically cheat
Biggest Loser: It wasnt me doing the cheating
Biggest Loser: Mikitaka has these weird rigged dice that you can’t tell the difference from real dice
Jomom: Josuke, I really shouldn’t have to explain to you why cheating is wrong.
Jomom: You understand that, right?
Biggest Loser: Yeah im almost 18
Hoelyne Hoestar: fuck dont remind me
Jomom: Don’t worry, you’ll always be my little siblings!
Jodad: You’re still children in my eyes, and I have a ten-year-old.
Hoelyne Hoestar: ouch Erina
GioGio: get rekt
Biggest Loser: Who is teaching you these
GioGio: wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy?
Biggest Loser: Yeah i would like to know thats why i asked
Hoelyne Hoestar: understandable
Passione Secret Conference Room
Jan 2 2020, 6:17 pm
Shortcake: giorno why r ur brother n sister yelling at me
Mother’s Favourite: It’s probably his fault
It’s Not Delivery: they don’t like that you’re teaching me memes
Mother’s Favourite: I was right
Una Due Trish: technically its Narancias fault
Una Due Trish: he taught him the memes
Shortcake: trish :(
Shortcake: u should b on my side :(
Una Due Trish: no u
Strawberry: If you don’t like it stop teaching Gio memes
Shortcake: not u 2!!!!!11!!
Whoo, finally done with the JoJo Dinner. For the next bit there's mostly going to be just random chapters until the next big event, which isn't going to be coming up for the next few chapters. Updates are going to remain on schedule, though.
Chapter 15: And I Feel Fine
Time jump, its time for birthday twins!
Title from It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by R.E.M.
January 16 2020, 9:12 am
Jomom: Happy birthday, Josuke and Jolyne!
Jodad: Happy eighteenth, you two! I hope your day is as wonderful as can be!
Biggest Loser: Its too early >:(
GioGio: you’re already awake
GioGio: and in class
Biggest Loser: Still too early
Spin Cycle: Happy birthday dingus
Spin Cycle: And Jolyne
Biggest Loser: Whats with this hate
Biggest Loser: Be nice its my birthday
Spin Cycle: That sign cant stop me because i cant read
Civil Jojo: Wow, the twins are adults now!
Civil Jojo: I hope your birthday is wonderful!
Biggest Loser: Thank you cousin josuke
Civil Jojo: You’re welcome, Josuke
Jodad: Do you two have plans for tonight? Should I prepare the birthday dinner for tonight or tomorrow?
Biggest Loser: Tomorrow please
Biggest Loser: Gang is taking me out tonight
Jomom: Where’s Jolyne?
GioGio: she has a spare period second, that she shares with Hermes
GioGio: she may not be online for a bit
Joot: Happy birthday.
Joot: Happy birthday, Josuke! Jolyne! - Noriaki
Biggest Loser: Thanks nori
Biggest Loser: Why cant we just add him to the chat already
Jomom: While I also consider Noriaki family, he isn’t a Joestar, so he can’t be added.
Spin Cycle: If someone is engaged does that count
Jomom: I guess so?
Johnny Joestar added Gyro Zeppeli to HoHo JoJos
Biggest Loser: !!
Gyro Zeppeli: So it is real
Spin Cycle: Why would i lie about this
GioGio: you lie about so much else
Spin Cycle: Giorno its been like 15 years im sorry
GioGio: only god can forgive your sins, and i’ve just killed him
Gyro Zeppeli: Oh jeez
Gyro Zeppeli: He is just like Diego
Rat: whys the pizza boy here
Joot: Read, dumbass.
Rat: im jared 19
Joot: Then perish.
Rat: thanks obama
Joseph Joestar changed Gyro Zeppeli’s nickname to Pizza Cowboy
Rat: no regular names in my good christian minecraft server
Jomom: When did you two get engaged?
Spin Cycle: He proposed back in november
Rat: bruh moment
Pizza Cowboy: You didnt tell them
Spin Cycle: Why would i
Biggest Loser: Wow thank you cousin johnny
Biggest Loser: Whens the wedding so i know when to be busy
Spin Cycle: The 39th of Nunya
Pizza Cowboy: May
Rat: inch resting
Pizza Cowboy: Are you the one that taught that to Caesar
Pizza Cowboy: Thank you
Hoelyne Hoestar: whats new sluts
Hoelyne Hoestar: fuck wrong chat
Jomom: Who are you talking to like that?
Free the Stones
January 16 2020, 10:21 am
No: whats new sluts
Marry Me Jolyne: Jolyne please meet me on the roof
Goddess: Annasui, back the fuck off
Marry Me Jolyne: She will be mine, Hermes
Marry Me Jolyne: You’ll all see
Channel 7: happy birthday
No: thank you Weather
Our King: Happy Birthday!
Our King: Any plans?
Goddess: We’re doing something special tonight
No: she wont tell me
Goddess: That’s how surprises work
Kung Foo: Jolyne I got a gift for you
Kung Foo: Annasui was found on the roof by Principle Zeppeli
Kung Foo: He’s suspended
Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Body Pillow
January 16 2020, 12:43 pm
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Baby
Baby: just a warning
Baby: my gift to the both of you has two parts
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: sketchy
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: no u
Baby: first part you get at dinner tomorrow
Baby: second part is redeemable any time
Gay Heaven Now: Whats that
Baby: i’ll cover for each of you once, free of charge
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: aw thanks Gio
Gay Heaven Now: Can i use it tonight
Gay Heaven Now: Oku’s place is being fumed and his dads at a motel
Baby: yeah, okay
Baby: is he coming in
Gay Heaven Now: Ye
January 16 2020, 3:12 pm
Hoelyne Hoestar: Why is the chat name still Crimus
Rat: if u dont like it change it urself
Hoelyne Hoestar: no
Hoelyne Hoestar: im an adult now im gonna make a kid do it
Hoelyne Hoestar: Giorno
GioGio: on it
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed the chat name to Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots
Hoelyne Hoestar: much better thank you Giorno
Rat: i want to complain
Rat: but i feel like i cant
Joot: That's because you are an idiot.
Rat: fuck u
Joot: That would be incest, idiot.
Biggest Loser: Damn jotaro
Joot: Shut it, thief.
Biggest Loser: You cant say that to me its my birthday
Joot: I can do what I want, thief.
Biggest Loser: Jonathan hes being mean again
Jomom: Jotaro, I thought we went over this?
Joot: This is Nori! He’s all grumpy cause his favourite lecture got cancelled today, I’m taking his phone rights until further notice!
Biggest Loser: Lmao baby
Jotaro Joestar changed Josuke Joestar’s nickname to Broke
Joot: Watch it, punk.
Spin Cycle: Get him kak
Pizza Cowboy: Johnny, you’re supposed to be with the trainees
Spin Cycle: They didn’t show up
Pizza Cowboy: If I ask Diego will he say the same thing
Spin Cycle: …
Spin Cycle: Fine
Spin Cycle: Goodbye relatives
Pizza Cowboy: Sorry Joestars, we just got a bunch of new ranch hands and he’s gotta train em in while I’m at work
GioGio: that’s right, you’re a doctor
Rat: remind me never to get sick
Jodad: You broke four ribs on Christmas in front of a ten year old.
Rat: injured and sick r not the same thing
Civil Jojo: I’m so sorry our sled did that to you
Hoelyne Hoestar: dont apologize it was the highlight of my holiday
GioGio: it made my day
Rat: wait gio did u ever open the gift from dio
Broke: You have to tell us now
Jomom: Giorno, you don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to.
GioGio: no, i’m calling him out
GioGio: it was a weird nude photo of him with a santa hat photoshopped on, with a gift card to McDonald’s
Jodad: Are you serious?
GioGio: i forgot one part
GioGio: he addressed it to a ‘Haruno Shiobana’
Hoelyne Hoestar: rip bro
Jomom: Oh dear, Giorno, I am so sorry.
GioGio: don’t be
GioGio: i will use these to bring about his end
Jomom: Should I be worried?
Rat: a world without dio is a better 1
Rat: so no
Chapter 16: Surrender
Stands? In my AU? More likely than you think.
Title from Surrender by Cheap Trick
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Why Does Jotaro Have a Dolphin Bodypillow
January 19 2020, 9:14 am
Gay Heaven Now: Are yall on stand yet
Baby: you woke me up
Gay Heaven Now: Not important
Gay Heaven Now: Are yall on stand yet
Baby: the fuck is that
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: ye
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: its an online game Gio
Baby: i’m listening
Gay Heaven Now: You fight people using a character it generates for you
Gay Heaven Now: Or you can just run around and fuck around
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: you have to fill out a long ass personal survey
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: and your character is generated based on your answers
Gay Heaven Now: Anyways i asked because koichi just signed up
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: whats his stand
Gay Heaven Now: Its name is echoes and its an egg
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: ouch lmao
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: whats your stand Josuke
Gay Heaven Now: Its named crazy diamond and i punch and heal shit
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: damn you got a healer
Gay Heaven Now: Yeah
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: mines Stone Free
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i can punch stuff, but i can also unwind into string
Gay Heaven Now: Kinky
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: Josuke ima beat your ass
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: bruh how
Gay Heaven Now: Yeah it took me like an hour
Baby: i can read
Baby: i got Gold Experience, if i punch something it is given life
Baby: it says i have a healer bar but i don’t know how to do that yet
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: wild
Gay Heaven Now: Damn why yalls so complex
Baby: why does Koichi have an egg
Gay Heaven Now: Egg boy
Passione Secret Conference Room
January 19 2020, 11:29 am
Mother: Good morning, everyone.
Mother’s Favourite: Good morning, Bruno.
MISTAke: that was fast ;)
Mother: We live together, you know this
Mother’s Favourite: Fuck off slur
MISTAke: uno reverse card
Una Due Trish: I sense tea
Mother: Just business as usual, Trish
Una Due Trish: Dammit
Strawberry: Trish, when does anything interesting happen in here without Nara or Giorno?
MISTAke: nara ;)
Strawberry: Someone sure does want a fork in their face
MISTAke: kinky ;)
Strawberry: Stop being horny on main
Una Due Trish: Giorno come get your stinky horny mutt
MISTAke: what have i ever done 2 u trish
Una Due Trish: Exist
It’s Not Delivery: you’re spending too much time with Narancia and Fugo
Strawberry: Not possible
It’s Not Delivery: alright then
Shortcake: why ae yall up so earky its a weekned
Mother: I’m making lunch
Mother: Authentic pizza, Tonio’s style
Shortcake: i will b downstair s in two seonds
Strawberry: Please don’t so the thing
Mother: He did the thing.
It’s Not Delivery: the thing?
Strawberry: Threw himself down the stairs
Shortcake: nothings broken
Strawberry: My faith is
Mother: Mista, Trish, Giorno, you are all invited to join us for lunch
Mother: We have some council things to discuss.
Mother’s Favourite: Giovanna if you step anywhere near my house I will kill you
It’s Not Delivery: strong words coming from a bottom.
It’s Not Delivery: Guido, pick me up?
Shortcake: HOLY SHIT
Shortcake: ABBA RU A BOTTOM
Mother’s Favourite: No.
Guido Mista changed Leone Abbacchio’s nickname to Mother’s Bottom
MISTAke: thank you bucci for confirming my theory
Una Due Trish: Wait, are mom and dad dating
Mother’s Bottom: None of your goddamn business
Mother: He asked me out at our first school dance
Una Due Trish: That’s so adorable
Strawberry: I didn’t know Abba was capable of feeling things for other people
Mother’s Bottom: Shut the fuck up or you’re out of the house
Mother: Fugo, you don’t need to move out unless you want to
Strawberry: Thank you, mom
Una Due Trish: Sorry fellas can’t make it today
Una Due Trish: Diavolo will not let me leave
Shortcake: ur dads a little bitch
Una Due Trish: Which one
Strawberry: Vinegar isn’t horrible compared to Diavolo
Una Due Trish: Yeah but he’s the one actually giving drugs to his students
Una Due Trish: Diavolo just gets them
Mother: I’m sad to hear that, Trish
Mother: Giorno, can you summarize our discussions for Trish here?
It’s Not Delivery: of course, Bucciarati
It’s Not Delivery: Guido and I will be there in ten minutes
Strawberry: You live three minutes away?
It’s Not Delivery: yes
January 19 2020, 1:12 pm
It’s Not Delivery: Trish
It’s Not Delivery: we’ve decided to host a dance for st valentines
Una Due Trish: Sweet
It’s Not Delivery: Bucciarati and i will have to book a spirit event to announce it, Fugo and Abbacchio are planning pricing and looking for vendors, and Guido and Narancia are ‘putting it on blast’
Una Due Trish: What do i get to do
It’s Not Delivery: theming, general decoration planning
Una Due Trish: A dream come true
Mother: I can speak with you in more detail during lunch tomorrow, Trish
Una Due Trish: Thank you mom
Strawberry: In other news
Strawberry: Narancia is no longer allowed to drink soda
Shortcake: panni nooooo
Mother’s Bottom: This house will no longer carry soda.
Una Due Trish: What did he do now
MISTAke: what he usually does
Shortcake: it wonthappen again guys please
Strawberry: He drank a bunch and started acting like the little shit he is
Mother’s Bottom: He smashed my audio player trying to listen to sliced ham.
Shortcake: i just thot he had a lot 2 say
Una Due Trish: Okay but he does shit like that without soda
Mother: We are hoping that by removing a treat from the house that he will work on his behaviour
It’s Not Delivery: we did something similar to my brother Joseph a few years ago
Strawberry: Did it work?
It’s Not Delivery: no.
Shortcake: does that mean i can get my soda back
Mother’s Bottom: Not until you pay for a new audio player you little crotch goblin
Guido Mista changed Narancia Ghirga’s nickname to Crotch Goblin
Crotch Goblin: nooo
Crotch Goblin: now panni has no one to match with
Strawberry: We were matching?
Crotch Goblin: you
Crotch Goblin: you never saw strawberry shortcake
Strawberry: Who’s that bitch
Una Due Trish: DISOWNED
Crotch Goblin: SHES ONLY THE GREATEST CHARACTER TO EVER EXIST IN ANY FORM OF MEDIA EVER
MISTAke: fugo im embarrassed to know you
It’s Not Delivery: even i have watched Strawberry Shortcake
Strawberry: I wasn’t allowed to watch TV as a kid
Strawberry: There’s a lot I haven’t seen
Crotch Goblin: thats it
Crotch Goblin: final straw
Crotch Goblin: mother and trish
Crotch Goblin: can the dance theme include childrens shows
Una Due Trish: No wtf
Una Due Trish: That’s more of a spirit day thing
Mother: I’ll bring it up as a suggestion as a spirit day theme at the next meeting
Crotch Goblin: good enough
Crotch Goblin: panni were watching strawberry shortcake right now
Strawberry: Uh sure?
MISTAke: can gio and i join?
Crotch Goblin: only if yall do a snack run
It’s Not Delivery: of course
Mother: No soda.
Crotch Goblin: ;-;
Uh we dropping to one post a week now, school's back and I'm very dumbass
Chapter 17: Party in the USA
Things do be wild in America tho
Title from Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus
Jonthan’s Circus of Idiots
January 21 2020, 3:14 pm
Broke: Okay so whos on stand here
Hoelyne Hoestar: youre obsessed Josuke
Broke: Like you arent
Hoelyne Hoestar: touche
Rat: i am
Rat: caesar and suzi wouldnt make accounts so i had to join jotaros team
Joot: His stand is useless.
Rat: how dare you hermit purple is the perfect stand
Rat: so much better than star platinum
Joot: You haven’t won a single fight on your own.
Rat: i beat empress and bastet
Joot: Avdol helped you beat bastet.
GioGio: wow y’all’re going off
Spin Cycle: Giorno please stop it hurts
GioGio: y’all’re just weak
Pizza Cowboy: I’m having a stroke
Broke: Quick someone get a doctor
Spin Cycle: He is a doctor
Broke: Oh fuck
Broke: Oh phoque
Joot: Stop asking Polnareff for French words that sound like swears.
Broke: No thank you sir
Broke: For yall on stand have you encountered the world yet
Joot: Polnareff and Kakyoin both lost to him last night.
Pizza Cowboy: He pushed me off my horse in the overworld this morning
Spin Cycle: That bitch stole my horse
Spin Cycle: It took me days to breed one that looked like Slow Dancer
GioGio: he broke into my house and challenged Guido to a fight
GioGio: he then left a gift box with a screenshot of him beating the Sex Pistols
Broke: Yeah so thats dio
GioGio: what the fuck
GioGio: im going to destroy him
Rat: how do u know
Broke: Its on his private snapchat
Broke: Wait are yall not on his private snap
GioGio: he has snap?
Broke: Oh fuck oh shit
Jodad: Giorno, are you okay?
GioGio: give me a moment, please.
Hoelyne Hoestar: good going dingus
Broke: Fuck you hoelyne
Hoelyne Hoestar: i wear this name with pride fuck you
Jomom: Guys, please don’t fight!
Joot: Too late.
Jodad: Yeah, sorry honey, but they’re actually fighting in the living room.
Jomom: Oh dear, I’ll go break it up.
Pizza Cowboy: Johnny you were right they do be wildin
Spin Cycle: Stop assuming im always lying
GioGio: i have returned.
GioGio: my friends and i have made it our number two priority to get the world banned from STAND
Hoelyne Hoestar: whats number 1
GioGio: school dance
Broke: Shit we having another one
GioGio: yes, for st valentine’s day
Rat: i remember school dances
Joot: At your last one you got arrested.
Hoelyne Hoestar: what he do
Joot: Crawled through the vents with a bag of watery oatmeal.
Joot: Police thought he was trying to steal it from the cafeteria.
Broke: Who would steal from the cafeteria
Broke: Everyone avoids eating there
Joot: They said they assumed based on his appearance that he was in desperate need.
Hoelyne Hoestar: bruh they thought he was homeless
Rat: to be fair i was wearing a crop top in february
Rat: wanted to pick up girls
Rat: i like girls?
Spin Cycle: You sure dont act like it
Rat: what how
Hoelyne Hoestar: Caesar
Pizza Cowboy: Caesar
Spin Cycle: Caesar
Rat: were just friends guys
Jodad: So were Jotaro and Noriaki.
GioGio: she’s got you there
Rat: look i dont like caesar
Hoelyne Hoestar: if you say so
Rat: i do
Civil Jojo: Wait, I thought you were dating that Suzi girl?
Broke: Oh yeah
Broke: You were like highkey flirting with her the entire time you were here
Rat: im not dating suzi
Jomom: Wait a minute here guys.
Jomom: Joseph, your room only has one bed here.
Jodad: There were three of you in that room, where did you all sleep?
Rat: whoops a customer has arrived bye bye
GioGio: the Joestar secret technique…
January 21 2020, 7:31 pm
Jomom: We may have a bit of an issue, guys.
Broke: Uh oh spaghettio
Pizza Cowboy: You are my least favourite
Rat: dammit josuke whyd u steal my title
Broke: Bruh why would i want to
Jomom: We can’t get off topic!
Hoelyne Hoestar: but its the joestar secret technique
Rat: naw thats running away
GioGio: we’re still avoiding something in the end either way
Spin Cycle: Oh shit he yelled at us
Jomom: This is important, please.
Rat: sorry jon go ahead
Jomom: Thank you, Joseph.
Jomom: There’s a man at the door who claims he’s dad’s kid and wants financial compensation
Hoelyne Hoestar: this happens all the time tell him to fuck off
Hoelyne Hoestar: tell him to go away
Jomom: He said he’s willing to do a DNA test.
Broke: Oh shit
Rat: we might have a secret brother
Spin Cycle: Another bastard like Joseph
Rat: fuck off you kinky fuck
Spin Cycle: Again, where the hell are you guys getting this from
GioGio: Jonathan, what is the name of this man?
Jomom: Well, first of all, he’s more like a teenager.
Jomom: Weird blonde hair, kinda dressed like a Nascar driver?
Jodad: George I wasn’t blond
Hoelyne Hoestar: ask him if his moms blond jon
Jomom: Um so there was a slight misunderstanding and the situation is somehow worse than the original.
Broke: What can be worse than another of dads bastard kids
Jomom: He’s Giorno’s brother, Dio’s his father.
Spin Cycle: Holy shit
Rat: OH MY GOD
Rat: THERES ANOTHER
GioGio: i’m coming down to meet you at the door.
Jodad: Oh dear.
Broke: Dio really did fuck huh
Hoelyne Hoestar: shut the fuck up thats our ‘brother’ you ass crack
Broke: Meet me in the pit bitch
Jomom: So he’s not the only one.
Jomom: In total, Dio has four sons. Donatello, this boy here, and two others live in Florida.
Spin Cycle: So dio has no standard
GioGio: my brothers and i will be meeting this weekend to get in contact with Dio.
GioGio: Jonathan, do you know if he’s still in town?
Jomom: He’s staying at his place, yes.
GioGio: please give me the address.
Civil Jojo: Things sure are wild in America.
Chapter 18: Bad Memory
Yo what's up with Giorno?
Title from Bad Memory by K.Flay, from the Birds of Prey soundtrack. Which, by the way, is the best movie of the year and you cannot change my mind.
Passione Secret Conference Room
January 25 2020, 12:34 pm
MISTAke: has anyone heard from Gio in the last few days
MISTAke: he wasnt at school and he wont answer my texts
MISTAke: im worried guys
Mother: Mista, I’m sure he’s okay.
Mother: But I’m sorry to say that I haven’t heard from him either.
Crotch Goblin: sorry mista
Una Due Trish: No, sorry
Strawberry: Yeah, same here
Mother’s Bottom: I have him blocked so i wouldnt know
MISTAke: guys im freaking out
MISTAke: like the last time he did something like this was because i made him mad and i dont think i did anything to make him mad but hes not talking to yall either and im so scared that hes hurt
Mother: Mista, take a deep breath.
Mother: Giorno can handle himself just fine, Mista, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about.
Una Due Trish: Have you talked to his family yet
Strawberry: Try that
Private channel between Guido Mista and Josuke Joestar
January 25 2020, 1:03 pm
Guido Mista: josuke is Giorno okay
Josuke Joestar: Well hello to you too
Guido Mista: please dude im really scared is he okay
Josuke Joestar: Woah bruh relax
Josuke Joestar: Did he not tell you
Guido Mista: not tell me what
Josuke Joestar: Its not my place to say
Josuke Joestar: But i can tell you that he is completely safe and will be back to normal by monday
Guido Mista: then why isnt he answering my texts
Josuke Joestar: Hes like super busy dude
Josuke Joestar: He hasnt answered any of us either
Guido Mista: i see
Guido Mista: well thanks man
Josuke Joestar: Anytime dude
Enrico Pucci created Chat
January 25 2020, 8:23 pm
Enrico Pucci added Giorno Giovanna-Joestar, Donatello Versace, and three others to Chat
Enrico Pucci changed the chat name to Get Along Chat
Dio Brando: What is this
Dio Brando: They just fucking left
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: how fatherly of you
Dio Brando: You were the one who said you never wanted to see me again
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: you gave me a fucking nude of yourself for christmas
Dio Brando: Yes and many would pay a fortune for that, boy, so you better appreciate it
Ungalo Brando: so
Ungalo Brando: am i gonna get that child support or
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: don’t count on it
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: he knew about me and he dropped me off at his brother’s
Rikiel Brando: this may be a bad time to mention it but
Rikiel Brando: i forgot to book us a hotel
Donatello Versace: You imbecile
Donatello Versace: Where the fuck are we going to sleep now
Ungalo Brando: good going dumbass
Enrico Pucci: Boys, come back, I’ll prepare rooms for you here.
Dio Brando: Like hell you will
Enrico Pucci: Giorno, should I prepare one for you as well?
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: no need
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: i will be returning to my family at home.
Ungalo Brando: wow no need to flex bruh
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: i will run back there and shove your kneecaps up your urethra
Ungalo Brando: id like to see you try
Donatello Versace: Oh jesus
Donatello: He actually ran back here
Enrico Pucci: Boys, stop fighting please.
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: whatever, i’m going home
Dio Brando: Enrico I swear to god i will kick you out
Enrico Pucci: We all know that that’s a lie, darling
Ungalo Brando: im going to fucking puke
Private channel between Giorno Giovanna-Joestar and Guido Mista
January 25 2020, 9:04 pm
Buon Giorno: Guido
Mista Worldwide: Giorno!
Mista Worldwide: ive been so worried babe where have you been
Buon Giorno: i’m sorry that i worried you, Guido
Buon Giorno: that was not my intention
Buon Giorno: something came up with my father that i had to deal with, and it was easier to just leave everyone else out of it
Mista Worldwide: fuck ur father
Mista Worldwide: but Giorno you know you can come to me for anything judgement free
Buon Giorno: i know, Guido, but some things just shouldn’t be shared
Mista Worldwide: i care about u a lot Giorno, i want to know whats going on in your life
Buon Giorno: i see
Buon Giorno: can i come over?
Mista Worldwide: yeah my windows open
Buon Giorno: see you in a minute
Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots
January 25 2020, 11:48 pm
Jodad: Has Giorno come home yet?
Jomom: No, I haven’t seen him come in.
Jomom: Do you think he stayed at Dio’s?
Hoelyne Hoestar: he wouldnt do that if he was payed to
Joot: You worry too much Jonathan.
Joot: You know Dio, their little family meeting is probably taking too long.
Jomom: I’m worried for him, that’s all.
Jomom: These last few weeks have been really rough for him and all I want is for Giorno to be home, safe.
Jodad: Wherever he is, Jon, he’s being safe.
Jodad: You know Giorno, he’d never do anything to make us worry.
Jomom: Yeah, you’re probably right.
Broke: Hes at mistas
Broke: His boyfriend just texted me that he fell asleep while they were talking
Broke: Theyll pop by before school to get his stuff
Jodad: Thank you for telling us, Josuke.
Joot: See, Jonathan? You worry too much.
Rat: damn is the little man gonna fuck
Hoelyne Hoestar: we were having a nice moment
Rat: yeah and i ruined it
Rat: ur point
Spin Cycle: Hes now the only minor hes the only one who cant fuck
Joot: Joseph also cannot fuck, he has no one to fuck.
Rat: fuck u
Joot: Illegal, and frankly, disgusting.
Rat: ill have you know im great at it
Rat: you cant say anything to me
Rat: none of you can say otherwise cause we never fucked
Hoelyne Hoestar: this is kinda sad
Broke: Whyre you trying to defend yourself that way
Rat: im not wrong
Pizza Cowboy: Is this a genetic thing
Spin Cycle: Naw cause giornos like this too
Civil Jojo: It’s the proximity
Hoelyne Hoestar: jojo curse
Broke: Yeah its the name
Jodad: Please, go to bed, all of you.
Rat: sorry dad
Chapter 19: Joke's on You
Lots a things are a brewin
Title from Joke's on You by Charlotte Lawrence
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Free the Stones
January 28 2020, 9:18 am
Goddess: Y’all we’re having another school dance
Kung Foo: Didnt we just have one in november
Goddess: But this one is for Valentine’s day
No: Giorno mentioned it a few days ago
No: did the council vote in favour
Channel 7: They just announced it over the PA
Channel 7: Did you not hear it?
No: im outside rn
Our King: Why are you outside? Don’t you have class?
Goddess: She’s always outside
No: no building can confine me
No: also Annasui sits next to me in this class so i dont wanna be in there
Marry Me Jolyne: This dance is the perfect chance for me to finally make Jolyne realize her destiny is to be my bride
No: dude i like girls leave me alone
Marry Me Jolyne: I cannot because we are destined to be together
No: the only thing thats destined is for my fist to meet your face
Goddess: Annasui I have told you multiple times to fuck off
Marry Me Jolyne: And ive told you many times hermes that Jolyne will inevitably leave you for me
Kung Foo: ignoring him
Kung Foo: Y’all wanna go to this dance
Goddess: As a member of the council’s spirit committee, I have to
Goddess: I’d love to have you all there
Goddess: NOT ANNASUI
Marry Me Jolyne: Too late bitch im going
No: well im gonna go too just only if Annasui fucks off
Channel 7: I shall go to keep him in line.
Kung Foo: Guess Ill go too!
Our King: Have fun, you guys!
Kung Foo: You arent coming?
Goddess: Wouldn’t be the same without you, Emporio
No: ill pay for your ticket if moneys the problem dude
Our King: Aww thanks guys
Our King: Am I allowed to go?
No: if anyone says anything ill beat their ass
January 28 2020, 10:04 am
Kira’s Hand Kink: I no longer want to go to the dance
Smol: Why’s that, Josuke?
Kira’s Hand Kink: Everyones least favourite english teacher is a chaperone
Hand It To Ya: babe we can skip
Kira’s Hand Kink: Naw i gotta support my brother
Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: How are you going to get in with no money
Kira’s Hand Kink: Youll see
Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: No I will not because I will not be there
Smol: Why not, Rohan?
Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: I simply have better things to do
Hair: I’ll be there, Koichi
Smol: That’s great, Yukako!
Kira’s Hand Kink: Cant wait to see you there mikitaka
Joseph Learns His Fucking Manners
January 28 2020, 11:57 am
God’s Mistake: caesar
God’s Mistake: suzi
God’s Mistake: come home immediately
Caesarino: What the hell
God’s Mistake: its important
Caesarino: Did you set the place on fire again?
Mamma Mia: Joseph please I just got new drapes
God’s Mistake: i didnt set anything on fire
God’s Mistake: ive just had a revelation and we need to talk in person
Caesarino: Good god he’s thinking
Mamma Mia: We’re doomed
God’s Mistake: u no what nevermind
God’s Mistake: offer rescinded
Caesarino: Relax dumbass, we’re waiting for Smokey to take over the studio
Fire Safety: Sorry guys, traffic is really rough right now!
Mamma Mia: It’s okay Smokey, take your time
January 28 2020, 2:34 pm
It’s Spelled Croissant: BIG NEWS
Gamer Nation: BIG NEWS?
It’s Spelled Croissant: YES MON AMI BIG NEWS
Dolphin Lover: Shut the fuck up.
Dolphin Lover: You’re too fucking loud.
The Future Is Doomed: This is a group chat?
Gamer Nation: He’s hungover lmao
Gamer Nation: We went out drinking last night
Gamer Nation: And, well, let’s just say that he can’t drink as much as he thinks he can
Dolphin Lover: Says you.
Dolphin Lover: You get tipsy from the bellinis served at book club.
It’s Spelled Croissant: who cares
It’s Spelled Croissant: BIG NEWS
The Future Is Doomed: We adopted a dog
Gamer Nation: PUPPY!?
It’s Spelled Croissant: oui
Mohammed Avdol sent an image
The Future Is Doomed: His name is Iggy, and he was going to be put down because he only has three legs so no one would adopt him
It’s Spelled Croissant: hes also ugly as fuck
Gamer Nation: YOU TAKE THAT BACK
It’s Spelled Croissant: uh
Dolphin Lover: Kakyoin really likes dogs.
Gamer Nation: My parents would never let me have one because my mom was allergic :(
The Future Is Doomed: Do you want to come meet him?
Gamer Nation: CAN I?!
Dolphin Lover: I’ll get the Marine Mobile.
It’s Spelled Croissant: please stop calling it that
Dolphin Lover: I can’t hear your ignorance over the sound of me crushing your legs beneath the Marine Mobile.
Gamer Nation: Maiming Pol can wait, Jotaro, there’s a dog to meet
It’s Spelled Croissant: is no one going to defend me and my legs
Dolphin Lover: They all know it’s futile.
Dolphin Lover: The Marine Mobile commands respect.
Gamer Nation: THERES NO TIME FOR THIS
Gamer Nation: DOG
Dolphin Lover: Fuck, fine, we’ll go see the dog.
The Future Is Doomed: See you two in a few minutes
It’s Spelled Croissant: i need better friends
Dolphin Lover: What the fuck did you just call me.
It’s Spelled Croissant: mon ami? Friend?
Dolphin Lover: Disgusting.
Dolphin Lover: Stop speaking surrender.
Gamer Nation: Surrendernrvabhv
It’s Spelled Croissant: i
It’s Spelled Croissant: fuck?
Get Along Chat
January 28 2020, 8:41 pm
Dio Brando: WHICH ONE OF YOU LITTLE FUCK SHITS TOOK MY FUCKING SHOES
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: good evening to you as well, father
Dio Brando: It was you, wasn’t it, you little cum stain
Dio Brando: IS this your way of getting back at me? Huh? Think you’re a clever little fuck?
Enirco Pucci: Dio!
Enrico Pucci: You cannot speak to him like that!
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: no, let him add more to my files
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: besides, it was Joseph, he wore them to the JoJo Dinner
Dio Brando: There was a JoJo dinner and I, Dio, wasn’t invited
Donatello Versace: What the honest fuck is happening
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: the fallout of deciding to seek out our deadbeat father for money he will never give
Dio Brando: Why wasn’t I invited
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: do you even need to ask
Ungalo Brando: i wanna know
Donatello Versace: Shut up it was your turn to clean our bathroom and you left it a fucking mess
Ungalo Brando: theres like 500 butlers here
Dio Brando: They are not butlers you fleck of shit
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: yeah, they’re the members of his sex cult, the same one all of our mothers were in
Donatello Versace: What the actual living fuck
Ungalo Brando: does this mean
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: not sure yet, still investigating
Ungal Brando: wack
Dio Brando: Giorno, let that rat bastard know I’m on my way to murder him and retreive my shoes.
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: no fuck you
Uh a day late but happy two months everyone! Thank you all for all the support, I'll do my best to keep posting content and if anything changes I'll make sure to let y'all know/ Love you guys!
Chapter 20: Figure It Out
Jojo Mystery? Huh, guess so
Title from Figure It Out by VersaEmerge
Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots
January 31 2020, 3:12 pm
Jomom: Okay, who did it.
Jomom: George’s hoodie has holes in it now that weren’t there last night.
Jodad: Which one of you made my son cry.
Rat: lmao he cried over a hoodie
Jodad: I’d shut my mouth if I were you, Tequila420.
Rat: okay please stop bringing up my drag account
Hoelyne Hoestar: wait its not just me
Spin Cycle: Wait do you have a drag king tik tok
Hoelyne Hoestar: no wtf
Hoelyne Hoestar: my sweatpants have been torn apart too
GioGio: one of my jackets as well
Broke: I mean my socks did seem to have more holes than whats possible
Jomom: So you’ve all had your clothing destroyed?
Hoelyne Hoestar: wait i hear something
Spin Cycle: Wait youre not deaf
Hoelyne Hoestar: shut the fuck up bug boy
Pizza Cowboy: Why does she know about that
Spin Cycle: Fuck i dont know
Hoelyne Hoestar: >:3
Hoelyne Hoestar: OH FUCK ITS A RAT
Rat: oh shit
Broke: Its a rat
Hoelyne Hoestar: SHUT THE FUCK UP THERES A FUCKING RAT IN MY ROOM
Jomom: Oh dear, we’ve got rats.
Jodad: I’ll call the exterminator.
Broke: So should we start packing
Jomom: If we go away for a week will you three miss too much in school?
Hoelyne Hoestar: its the start of a new semester
GioGio: so no
Jomom: Would you like to go stay with Granny and Grampy in England?
Broke: FUCK YEAH
GioGio: yes please
Jomom: I’ll go give them a call!
Jomom: Do any of you who don’t live with us like to come?
Joot: My classes have been postponed as my professor ran off to Russia to “avoid the draft”.
Joot: So Kakyoin and I would like to join you.
Spin Cycle: Nah fuck that shit im staying in the states
Hoelyne Hoestar: good
Spin Cycle: Wanna say that to my face bitch
Hoelyne Hoestar: no
Hoelyne Hoestar: dont wanna hurt my back leaning down
Broke: OH SHIT
Rat: yeah no im not coming either
GioGio: so the whole gang is going then, cool
GioGio: get out of our house, vermin
Rat: no fuck u
GioGio: you wanna fucking go rat man
Rat: dennys 2 am be there
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Meet Me In The Thunderdome Motherfucker
Meet Me In The Thunderdome Motherfucker: <-
Jomom: Things are all set! Everyone start packing!
Jomom: Come on.
Broke: You expect too much from us jonathan
Hoelyne Hoestar: there is one sensible Joestar and its Jonathan
Civil Jojo: You aren’t wrong
Jomom: Literally all of you but Giorno are adults, why are you like this?
Broke: Childhood trauma
Rat: society made me this way
Hoelyne Hoestar: the internet
Spin Cycle: No legs
Pizza Cowboy: What do your legs have to do with your assholery
Spin Cycle: If you have no legs the asshole energy has nowhere to escape
Jomom: Okay, well, the trip’s been booked, we leave tomorrow night. Jotaro, we booked you and Noriaki tickets with us, are you driving down to meet us?
Jomom: I’m going to go sleep.
Meet Me In The Thunderdome Motherfucker: don’t let the rats bite
Broke: We finally did it
Broke: We broke jonathan
Hoelyne Hoestar: time to celebrate
Joseph Joestar created Chat
January 31 2020, 7:12 pm
Joseph Joestar added Suzi Q and Caesar Zeppeli to Chat
Joseph Joestar set chat name to Joseph Joestar Fan Club
Caesar Zeppeli: No
Caesar Zeppeli: That is not a thing
Caesar Zeppeli: Stop it
Joseph Joestar: >:3
Suzi Q: I do not like that face
Suzi Q: Looks like a little bastard
Caesar Zeppeli: You just described Joseph
Joseph Joestar: >:(
Joseph Joestar: why r u being mean to me
Caesar Zeppeli: It’s what you deserve
Joseph Joestar: but last night you said i needed more cuddles
Caesar Zeppeli: Yeah
Caesar Zeppeli: And?
Suzi Q: Why do we need a new group chat
Suzi Q: The other one is just fine
Joseph Joestar: the other one has smokey
Joseph Joestar: if i wanna send my man and woman a nude i dont want him to see
Caesar Zeppeli: Please don’t send us nudes
Caesar Zeppeli: No one wants that
Joseph Joestar: thats not what u said this morning
Suzi Q: Boys, stop it
Joseph Joestar: i just wanted a chat where i could flirt with you as much as i want
Joseph Joestar: since we agreed to not tell anyone
Suzi Q: Thank you for respecting that, Jojo
Joseph Joestar: ew gross
Joseph Joestar: jons jojo
Caesar Zeppeli: Are you joking
Caesar Zeppeli: There are like ten of you all named Jojo
Joseph Joestar: false theres 8 of us
Suzi Q: So I can’t call you Jojo?
Joseph Joestar: thats what dad called jonathan
Caesar Zeppeli: Oh, Joseph
Caesar Zeppeli: I’ve been calling you Jojo for years, I’m so sorry
Suzi Q: Did your dad have a nickname for you?
Joseph Joestar: yeah we each had one
Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Jiji
Jiji: we dont use them much anymore but i always feel weird when people call my jojo
Caesar Zeppeli: Well, thank you for letting us know, Jiji
Suzi Q: If we ever do anything else that upsets you in anyway, please let us know
Caesar Zeppeli: Yeah, we care about you Joseph
Jiji: oh shit
Jiji: uh feelings shit
Joseph Joestar sent an image
Caesar Zeppeli: JOSEPH
Suzi Q: Oh dear
Jiji: JOEsTAr secrET TEChniQUE
Caesar Zeppeli: WE LIVE TOGETHER YOU CANT HIDE FOREVER ASSHOLE
Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Bodypillow
January 31 2020, 11:42 pm
Baby: Jotaro is taking Noriaki to meet Grampy and Granny
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: well theyve been begging to meet him for years
Gay Heaven Now: Its really funny really
Gay Heaven Now: Like they did not care about meeting gyro or erina
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: theyre just obsessed with Nori
Baby: i mean, fair enough
Baby: i was going to suggest that we lay off of Jotaro during the visit because of this
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: oh yeah for sure
Gay Heaven Now: Okay but you cannot stop me from hinting that they should get engaged
Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: oh yeah no way am i holding back
Baby: so we’re all on the same page then
Gay Heaven Now: As always lmao
Chapter 21: Ignorance
Me? Writing a chapter where everyone is civil? Yeah, fat chance.
Title from Ignorance by Paramore
Free the Stones
February 3 2020, 4:32 am
Marry Me Jolyne: Jolyne where are you
Kung Foo: Why are you in Canada
Goddess: Why are y’all even awake
Marry Me Jolyne: Jolyne isnt in her house
No: dude why the fuck are you at my house
Kung Foo: London isnt in a different time zone
Goddess: Yes it is?
Channel 7: Who immediately thinks of London, Ontario when someone says London
Kung Foo: I do
No: Annasui answer my fucking question why are you at my house at 4 am
Marry Me Jolyne: why arent you at your house at 4 am
Kung Foo: Wait theres another London
Channel 7: You thought there was only one
Channel 7: And that it was in Canada
No: IM IN LONDON FUCKWAD WHY ARE YOU AT MY FUCKING HOUSE
Goddess: Wait what the fuck Annasui
Marry Me Jolyne: i was walking by
No: AT 4 FUCKING AM
Kung Foo: Wait wheres the other London
Channel 7: England
Goddess: Annasui I’m actually calling the cops
No: IVE HAD EN FUCKING OUGH
Jolyne Joestar banned Narciso Annasui from Free the Stones
Kung Foo: Wait whats England
Goddess: Foo I
No: are you joking
Kung Foo: Is it that little splotch on top of Canada
Channel 7: That’s Alaska
Goddess: Jolyne, are you alright?
No: yeah babe im fine
No: did you actually call the police
Channel 7: England is in Europe
Goddess: Of course, baby, I’m so sick of the way he’s been treating you
No: awww babe <3
Kung Foo: Whats Europe
Channel 7: I’m going to teach you Geography for the next month
Kung Foo: Whoo hoo
No: anyways my house has rats so were visiting family in london for week
Goddess: Wait you guys have rats
No: yeah we have rats
No: so were visiting my grandparents
Kung Foo: In Canada!
Goddess: England, Foo
Goddess: You were close
Channel 7: Not really
Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots
February 3 2020, 10:32 am
Civil Jojo: Happy birthday, cousin Jotaro!
Spin Cycle: Yeah what he said
Joot: Thank you.
Spin Cycle: How old are you anyway
Spin Cycle: 26
Joot: I’m younger than you.
Spin Cycle: And
Pizza Cowboy: Johnny, you’re 21
Spin Cycle: Oh fuck really
Hoelyne Hoestar: dumbass did you forget your own age
Spin Cycle: Fuck you Jolyne
Hoelyne Hoestar: bug bite man
Spin Cycle: STOP IT
Jomom: Just to clear things up, Jotaro has just turned twenty!
Broke: Lmao old
Joot: Say that to my face, punk.
Meet Me In the Thunderdome Motherfucker: don’t fall for it, he’s sitting with Grampy
Meet Me In the Thunderdome Motherfucker: hold on
Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Golden Time
Golden Time: much better
Spin Cycle: How are the grands anyway
Jodad: Despite their age, they are both doing lovely!
Hoelyne Hoestar: THEY GOT A NEW CAT
Pizza Cowboy: Another?
Hoelyne Hoestar: yeah they have six now
Broke: Pokey is still hanging on
Golden Time: Harley and Ivy are the best, no contest
Spin Cycle: Why they got so much pussy in that house
Golden Time: sounds like someone wants to say goodbye to their fingernails
Pizza Cowboy: Woah calm down there babino
Golden Time: looking to add your kneecaps to my list, i see
Broke: Anyone who insults the cats deserves the death penalty
Jomom: Okay, that’s enough family time for today.
Hoelyne Hoestar: but i was gonna tell them about Snickers
Joot: Kakyoin has spent more time here with the cats than me.
Broke: Its hilarious
Joot: He’s really partial to Klaus.
Hoelyne Hoestar: Klaus is you if you were a cat Joot
Golden Time: pissy, violent, the only person he likes is Noriaki
Joot: Fuck off, twink.
Jomom: Not this again.
Jodad: Boys, stop arguing, you’re upsetting the cats.
Civil Jojo: Do they still have that cat with the funny name?
Jodad: Yes, Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch is still here.
Broke: I still can’t believe they named him Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch
Hoelyne Hoestar: what do you have a problem with Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch
Broke: Yes i do have a problem with wallace paolo janice lynch
Golden Time: i don’t see how you could have a problem Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch
Spin Cycle: Can you please stop saying wallace paolo janice lynch
Hoelyne Hoestar: i will not stop saying Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch
Jomom: Why are you all saying Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch?
Hoelyne Hoestar: why wouldnt we be saying Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch
Hoelyne Hoestar: wait i can see why youre questioning why were saying Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch
Hoelyne Hoestar: why am i still saying Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch
Golden Time: because it’s fun to say Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch
Jodad: Okay that’s enough with the Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch
Hoelyne Hoestar: can i talk about Snickers now
Jomom: We sure came a long way from celebrating Jotaro’s birthday, huh?
Golden Time: it’s our thing
Broke: We could run marathons around every other group chat
Hoelyne Hoestar: speaking of group chat
Hoelyne Hoestar: we kicked Annasui from ours
Jodad: Good for you!
Broke: Erina really isnt pulling any punches today huh
Hoelyne Hoestar: well he was at our house this morning and Hermes called the cops
Hoelyne Hoestar: so i doubt well ever see him again
Jomom: Wait, he was at the house this morning?
Hoelyne Hoestar: yeah hes a stalker
Hoelyne Hoestar: thats kinda what they do Jonathan
Pizza Cowboy: You’re taking this surprisingly well
Golden Time: well the news isn’t a surprise
Rat: the only surprise is that it took you this long to report him
Golden Time: so nice of you to join us, Joseph
Rat: shut up giorno im still in bed
Golden Time: it’s a weekday, and you own a business
Rat: smokey went in for us today
Hoelyne Hoestar: so all three of you are in the apartment rather than making money
Rat: suzi q is making brunch
Broke: That is a completely unrelated statement i hope you know that
Rat: JOESTAR SECRET TECHNIQUE
Spin Cycle: Damn
Spin Cycle: Hes really good at that
Chapter 22: Incursione
They're back from London! Chaos time.
Title from Incursione by Yugo Kanno from the Vento Aureo original soundtrack volume 2 - Intermezzo
Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots
February 9 2020, 1:03pm
Broke: Uh oh
Jomom: Yes, Josuke?
Spin Cycle: I bet he left something in london
Jodad: Ye of little faith.
Broke: Yeah so i think i left my laptop in london
Spin Cycle: Boom there it is
Hoelyne Hoestar: dumbass its in my room
Broke: Whys my laptop in your room
Hoelyne Hoestar: you packed it in my bag cause you ran out of room
Jomom: Didn’t it fit on the way?
Golden Time: did you not tell him
Jomom: Tell me what?
Joot: They brought home Grampy’s photo albums.
Jodad: All of them? Really?
Broke: To be fair he gave them to us
Jomom: He’s ninety! You know he doesn’t think very clearly!
Hoelyne Hoestar: whoops
Golden Time: whoops
Pizza Cowboy: Well are there any interesting photos in them?
Hoelyne Hoestar: Jonathans baby photos
Hoelyne Hoestar: and Josephs
Hoelyne Hoestar sent an image
Jodad: Aw, look at them!
Jodad: Jonathon, honey, look at you! You were dressed as a little bear cub!
Broke: Hes embarrassed lmao
Rat: oh yeah
Rat: dad had dressed us up as different animals for some reason
Spin Cycle: Assigned fursona
Rat: im deleting ur contact from my phone
Jomom: Actually, my grandmother made them all for us!
Hoelyne Hoestar: Granny cant sew
Jomom: No, not Granny. Grandma Theresa, my mother’s mom.
Broke: Wait shes still alive
Jodad: She hugged you at the last reunion, Josuke.
Broke: That was her
Civil Jojo: Okay, so Jonathan was a bear and Joseph was a dragon, what were the rest of you?
Broke: I was a wolf
Hoelyne Hoestar: and i was a tiger
Hoelyne Hoestar: she really played up the matching by opposites thing
Joot: I was a shark.
Jomom: When she heard about Dio, she sent us new ones for our heights and he was a polar bear!
Golden Time: she sent me one when i came to live here, too.
Golden Time: i was a ladybug
Spin Cycle: Ngl kinda jealous
Broke: Then perish
Broke: Wait jolyne can you bring me my laptop
Hoelyne Hoestar: <-
Hoelyne Hoestar: fuck wait this doesnt work here
Spin Cycle: ???
Hoelyne Hoestar: my screen name in another group is no
Golden Time: smart.
Hoelyne Hoestar: thank
Broke: Why not
Hoelyne Hoestar: not home
Hoelyne Hoestar: out with Hermes and Foo
Broke: Ima go get it myself then
Hoelyne Hoestar: DONT YOU FUCKING DARE JOSUKE
Hoelyne Hoestar: ILL BEAT YOUR FUCKING ASS WHEN I GET HOME IF YOU GO NEAR MY DOOR
Golden Time: he went in
Hoelyne Hoestar: im sorry Jonathan but Josuke has gone too far
Hoelyne Hoestar: he needs to be stopped
Jodad: As long as you don’t fight indoors or where George can see you.
Spin Cycle: Finally we will have the right number of josukes in this family
Spin Cycle: One
Broke: Are you saying that jolyne is capable of killing me
Spin Cycle: Yes
Hoelyne Hoestar: of course
Civil Jojo: I mean…
Jodad: You won’t last a minute.
Jomom: She won’t kill you, hopefully.
Golden Time: do you really need to ask?
Pizza Cowboy: Oh for sure
Private channel between Josuke Joestar and Jolyne Joestar
February 9 2020, 3:43 pm
Whore: did you see anything you shouldnt have
Bitch: I might have
Bitch: Jolyne why the fuck do you have so much ranch
Bitch: And why was it under your bed next to a box i dont want to talk about
Whore: okay so
Whore: the ranch is contraband that my friends and I sell at lunch
Whore: cause the caf banned all condiments after what Naracia and Okuyasu did before the break
Whore: where do you think I get my money from I dont have a job
Whore: ...did you look in the box
Bitch: I wish i didnt
Bitch: Why do you have so many
Whore: Hermes has more
Bitch: WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT
Bitch: Ima go bleach my eyes and brain
Whore: Im still gonna kill you later
Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots
February 9 2020, 5:13 pm
Jodad: For the three of you going to that school dance on Friday, I’m going out to the mall with George and his friend Elizabeth in fifteen minutes. If you come I can help you get some stuff for the dance.
Hoelyne Hoestar: can Hermes come
Jodad: You can each bring your date, we’re taking the big van.
Broke: I love the big van
Broke: Ill see if Oku can come
Rat: i will pay one of you to wear a rat costume and go around and try to spread the plague
Pizza Cowboy: What the fuck
Golden Time: first of all
Golden Time: there’s a new plague, they talked about it on the news last night
Golden Time: secondly, Erina, Mista and i are taking you up on your offer.
Golden Time: he’ll be here in five minutes
Hoelyne Hoestar: are we getting supper
Jomom: Not while you’re there. You will be picking up an order that I will be putting in while you’re gone. Your dates are invited to stay for dinner! We’re ordering from the new sandwich shop down the street from George’s school!
Rat: can i get some
Spin Cycle: You live in a different city shut the fuck up
Rat: u live in a different state
Spin Cycle: Yeah and u dont see me asking for food
Pizza Cowboy: Get back to work
Spin Cycle: Youre not my boss you cant tell me what to do
Hoelyne Hoestar: haha you have to work weekends
Spin Cycle: Thats it hand over your baby teeth motherfucker
Jomom: Sorry, you can’t have them. They’re somewhere safe.
Rat: jon what the fuck
Hoelyne Hoestar: do you really have my baby teeth
Jomom: We kept all of your baby teeth, as a collectable memory!
Golden Time: can i have mine
Golden Time: not important
Golden Time: can i have them back
Broke: Dude what are you going to do
Golden Time: i already said, that’s not important.
Hoelyne Hoestar: welp
Jodad: Hurry up, young ones, I’m about to take off!
Jodad: Give him the teeth.
Civil Jojo: I will never understand Americans.
Pizza Cowboy: You don’t want to.