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/Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Body Pillow/
Dec 08 2019, 5:41 pm

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i cant believe Joot left

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: :(

Mafia Mob: yes, our main target has left once more

Be Gay Punch Shit: I got my room back :)

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: >:(

Be Gay Punch Shit: Uh I mean

Be Gay Punch Shit: :( Boo hoo Jotaro went back to meth land oh no

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: :)

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i miss my favourite brother already

Be Gay Punch Shit: What about us?

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i said brother

Mafia Mob: :)

Be Gay Punch Shit: >:(

Be Gay Punch Shit: Just text him

Be Gay Punch Shit: We just bought him that new phone

Mafia Mob: i still can’t believe jotaro was using a flip phone this entire time

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: at least he wasnt still using the landline

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: it took us so long to get him to even use the flip phone

Be Gay Punch Shit: Ugh I remember that

Mafia Mob: a cherished memory

-


Dec 08 2019, 8:04 pm

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: hey guys

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i thought of a way that we can still attack Joot

Be Gay Punch Shit: I dont like where I think this is going

-

Jolyne Joestar created /Chat/
Dec 08 2019, 8:12 pm

Jolyne Joestar added Jonathan Joestar, Joseph Joestar, and six others to Chat

Jolyne Joestar renamed Chat to /Jo Clan/

-

/Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Body Pillow/
Dec 08 2019, 8:15 pm

Be Gay Punch Shit: This is the bad timeline

-

/Jo Clan/
Dec 08 2019, 8:18 pm

Jolyne Joestar: hello fellow Jos

Jolyne Joestar: and Erina

Jonathan Joestar: Jolyne! Hello! :)

Jonathan Joestar: Is the entire family in here?

Jolyne Joestar: all the siblings and cousins, minus Dio and George

Jolyne Joestar: George is too young and Dio isnt civil enough

Joseph Joestar: >:)

Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Superior Jojo

Josuke Joestar: This is the timeline God abandoned

Superior Jojo: thats not nice josuke

Superior Jojo: r u implying that im as bad as dio

Josuke Joestar: No

Josuke Joestar: Youre more immature than George

Superior Jojo: josuke :(

Superior Jojo: u hurt my feelings

Josuke Joestar: That was the intent

Jonathan Joestar: Get along, you two. We’re family, we’re not supposed to behave like this!

Jotaro Joestar sent an image

Jotaro Joestar took a screenshot

Jotaro Joestar: i DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS

Jotaro Joestar: sOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO USE THIS

Josuke Joestar: Lmao he doesnt know how to use his phone

Jolyne Joestar: Joot youre using the shift wrong

Jotaro Joestar sent an image

Johnny Joestar: This is gold

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: have avdol help you figure it out, jotaro

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: we got you the same model as him so he could help you

Jotaro Joestar took a screenshot

Josuke Higashikata: Hey guys!

Josuke Higashikata: How’s America?

Josuke Joestar: Josuke!

Josuke Higashikata: Hello cousin!

Superior Jojo: i think im having a stroke

Johnny Joestar: We’re probably the only family where first cousins share the same first name

Superior Jojo: there can only b one

Josuke Higashikata: Aw

Josuke Joestar: Joseph Im coming for your kneecaps

Superior Jojo: good luck getting here in ur car

Superior Jojo: o wait

Superior Jojo: u dont have one

Josuke Joestar: Jonathan Joseph is being mean to me

Jonathan Joestar: Joseph, you’re his older brother. Set a good example.

Superior Jojo: whatever u say mom

Joseph Joestar changed Jonathan Joestar’s nickname to Jomom

Jomom: Joseph!

Erina Pendleton-Joestar changed her nickname to Jodad

Jodad: Now we match!

Jomom: Oh!

Jomom: I guess it can stay, as long as everyone can still tell it’s me!

Johnny Joestar: Dont worry we know

Jolyne Joestar: that will not be a problem

Johnny Joestar: On the other hand

Johnny Joestar: The Josuke situation

Josuke Higashikata: I don’t understand why we need to change our names

Josuke Higashikata: Our family names are different and are here as well

Josuke Joestar: Hes right

Josuke Joestar: Josuke we should hold a revolution

Josuke Joestar: Rid the bloodline of the non-Josukes

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: nope

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed Josuke Joestar’s nickname to Americano

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed Josuke Higashikata’s nickname to Overseas

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Don

Americano: HEY

Americano: HOW DARE YOU

Jomom: Giorno, please stop implying that you run the Italian mob.

Don: you have taught me not to lie, uncle Jonathan

Don: so i will not

Overseas: Giorno :(

Jolyne Joestar: dont be offended cousin Josuke, he just has no creativity

Don: you will grow to regret that statement

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed Jolyne Joestar’s nickname to Hoelyne Hoestar

Johnny Joestar: Oh my god

Superior Jojo: the children r fighting

Hoelyne Hoestar: you know what

Hoelyne Hoestar: this is hella iconic and im gonna keep it

Jomom: Jolyne, honey, you shouldn’t have a name that insults you!

Hoelyne Hoestar: dont worry Jonathan

Hoelyne Hoestar: i like it

Americano: Glad to see someones happy

Don: :)

Overseas: Can someone please come up with something better? Since neither of us are Josuke, than neither of us should be and I cannot think of something right now.

Jolyne Joestar changed Josuke Higashikata’s nickname to Gappy

Hoelyne Hoestar: better?

Gappy: I can live with this

Americano: Well I cant

Josuke Joestar changed his nickname to Shine On

Josuke Joestar changed Johnny Joestar’s nickname to Cowboy But Not As Cool

Cowboy But Not As Cool: Cmon

Cowboy But Not As Cool: How is this fair

Cowboy But Not As Cool: Gio was the one who changed your name

Shine On: Oh dont worry johnny

Shine On: He will get his comeuppance

Superior Jojo: ooh

Superior Jojo: big word there Josuke

Shine On: I havent forgotten your sins either Joseph

Josuke Joestar changed Giorno Giovanna-Joestar’s nickname to Fake Gucci

Josuke Joestar changed Joseph Joestar’s nickname to Downed Pilot

Downed Pilot: first of all

Downed Pilot: i am a great pilot

Downed Pilot: and b

Downed Pilot: u seriously suck at this

Fake Gucci: …

Fake Gucci: sleep with one eye open, Josuke Joestar.

Shine On: I

Shine On: Why am i scared

Hoelyne Hoestar: well guess ive gotta get my eulogy all prepped

Jomom: No! Giorno, please do not harm your uncle! Josuke, please stop antagonizing your brother and nephew.

Shine On: Yes mom

Fake Gucci: i will hold off until further notice

Jomom: Giorno.

Fake Gucci: i will not kill my uncle in his sleep

Jomom: Much better!

Cowboy But Not As Cool: I dont see how

Cowboy But Not As Cool: Fuck I forgot about this

Johnny Joestar changed his nickname to Spin Cycle

Gappy: Is that a reference to the time Josuke and Giorno attached a fire extinguisher to your wheelchair at the family reunion?

Spin Cycle: Yes and they will pay for their offense

Shine On: Ok but it was Jolynes idea

Hoelyne Hoestar: it was NOT you fleck of ass dandruff

Hoelyne Hoestar: you cant pin this one on me

Jotaro Joestar: That insult was good

Hoelyne Hoestar: Joot!

Jolyne Joestar changed Jotaro Joestar’s nickname to Joot

Hoelyne Hoestar: did Avdol manage to teach you how to use your new phone

Joot: Yes, he did

Fake Gucci: just as predicted

Shine On: Yes all has gone as it was foreseen

Joot: …

Joot: What did you three do

Hoelyne Hoestar: how dare you

Fake Gucci: uncle Jotaro, we are

Shine On: Completely innocent

Downed Pilot: theyre up to something lol

Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Joestar Secret Technique

Joestar Secret Technique: use it wisely children

Shine On: He cant get us all the way from florida

Shine On: Besides we have done nothing wrong

Fake Gucci: this time

Shine On: Shut your up gionro

Fake Gucci: if it weren’t for the laws of this land i would have throttled you

Shine On: Giorno what the fuck

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to GioGio

GioGio: my name isnt that hard to spell

Shine On: Im sorry Giorno please dont hurt me

Hoelyne Hoestar: his door just opened

Spin Cycle: Holy shit is Giorno about to kill Josuke

Gappy: Someone please update, let us know what’s happening

GioGio: i just went to get some water

GioGio: im thirsty

Jomom: Giorno, I understand, but it is very late! Please don’t leave your room after 10 next time.

GioGio: yes, uncle Jonathan

Jomom: That reminds me! You all should be getting to bed! Jolyne, Josuke, Giorno, you all have to get up early for school tomorrow!

Joestar Secret Technique: hahaha i dont live under ur roof anymore jonathan

Joestar Secret Technique: i can stay up as late as i want

Jodad: I’m calling Suzi Q.

Joestar Secret Technique: wow i am suddenly very tired

Joestar Secret Technique: best be off to bed

Jodad: Let that be a warning for all of you.

Jodad: Goodnight! <3

Spin Cycle: …

Spin Cycle: This family be wildin

Chapter Text

/Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Body Pillow/

Dec 16 2019, 1:06 am

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Guys i need to request a cover

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: Josuke i swear

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: if youre asking us to cover for you so you can sneak out to fuck your boyfriend im going to go wakeup Jonathan

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Okay well Oku isnt my boyfriend 

 

Mafia Mob: yet

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: You cant say anything gio

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: oh shit the gays are fighting

 

Mafia Mob: the only reason i am single is because my chosen boy has the brain capacity of a grain of sand

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: You are currently implying that your little friend with the hat is dumber than Oku

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: I want to make sure you understand that

 

Mafia Mob: okay, he’s not that dumb, but he does not pick up signals

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Dude i have told Oku that i love him and he thought i meant as bros

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Doesnt matter tho

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Koichi just bought the newest F Mega game and im going over to his to play it

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Jolyne can you please cover for me

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: now why would i do that

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: I covered for you last weekend when hermes came to ‘visit’ you

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: touche

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i have a chem quiz tomorrow tho so please dont be gone too long

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Thank you jolyne! Youre the best sister ever!

 

Mafia Mob: she’s your only sister

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Shhhhh

 

-

 

Dec 16 2019, 4:28 am

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: Josuke where the fuck are you its been three fucking hours

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Haha funny story

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: thirty seconds until i go to Jonathan

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Calm down, im climbing in now

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Sorry jolyne Oku’s driving almost got us arrested

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: damn which one got you

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: He kinda looked like tom cruise

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: of course it was

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: its always Tom Cruise

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Wait is this the same cop who caught you trying to, you know, while you were waiting for Jotaro to pick you up last year

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: we agreed that wed all forget about that

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: but yes

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: now go the fuck to sleep dumbass

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Got it princess

 

-

 

/Private Channel Between Jolyne Joestar and Hermes Costello/

Dec 16 2019, 7:10 am

 

Hermes: I’m outside when you’re ready

 

Jojo: uahdcahoeurbeoqbfqb

 

Hermes: Rough night?

 

Jojo: Josuke went out and i had to cover for him until four am

 

Jojo: and ive got a chem quiz today :(

 

Hermes: You have chem fourth period, yeah?

 

Hermes: Hows about we skip the first three periods and nap in my car? Get some coffee for ya?

 

Jojo: that sounds like heaven right now

 

Jojo: i dont tell you how much i love you often enough

 

Jojo: i love you so much

 

Hermes: I love you too, babe

 

Hermes: Now hurry and get your ass out here, don’t wanna let your brother catch on to our plans ;)

 

Jojo: coming baby

 

-

 

/Jo Clan/

Dec 16 2019, 9:37 am

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Josuke you owe my so much for last night

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: shit

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: wrong chat

 

Spin Cycle: Ooh

 

Spin Cycle: What did he do now

 

Shine On: None of your business country boy

 

Joestar Secret Technique: boo u can do better than that

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: he really cant

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: and if you really want to know

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Josuke abused his twin rights

 

Spin Cycle: Josuke how could you

 

Joestar Secret Technique: yea josuke u dont abuse the twin rights

 

Shine On: I get it jeez lay off

 

Shine On: I am nowhere near awake enough to be lectured by you two

 

Joestar Secret Technique: hey

 

Joot: Why are you on your phones.

 

Joot: You are in class.

 

Shine On: Holy shit jotaro

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: online work period

 

GioGio: you’re in shop

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: its called 3d models 

 

GioGio: well i’ll just ask Narancia how those are going then

 

-

 

/Private channel between Jolyne Joestar and Giorno Giovanna-Joestar/

Dec 16 2019, 9:56 am

 

Fuck Dolly Parton: i will tell them that you are actually in a gang

 

Pizza Boy: i tell them literally everyday, that doesn’t scare me

 

Fuck Dolly Parton: ok but they all think its fake 

 

Fuck Dolly Parton: cause youre pretending its the mob

 

Fuck Dolly Parton: but i have receipts

 

Jolyne Joestar sent an image

 

Pizza Boy: fine

 

Pizza Boy: but you shouldn’t skip class

 

Fuck Dolly Parton: Hermes took me out for coffee after Josuke kept me up all night

 

Fuck Dolly Parton: well help you with your boy problems

 

Pizza Boy: deal

 

-

 

/Jo Clan/

Dec 16 2019, 10:12 am

 

GioGio: it seems you’re being honest

 

GioGio: this time

 

Spin Cycle: Jesus

 

Spin Cycle: How the hell is he so much like Diego theyve met once

 

Joestar Secret Technique: its the blond

 

Joestar Secret Technique: i ment blood but this also works

 

Joot: I will not repeat myself again.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: alright Jotaro we got it

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: putting it away now

 

Shine On: Fine

 

Shine On: But i will be back when we get home

 

GioGio: i will return later

 

Joestar Secret Technique: finally the children r gone

 

Spin Cycle: Party time

 

Joot: Do your work. 

 

Joestar Secret Technique: holy shit

 

Joestar Secret Technique: jotaro relax im my own boss

 

Spin Cycle: I am at the doctor

 

Gappy: Oh no, Johnny are you sick?

 

Spin Cycle: Nope

 

Spin Cycle: Gonna fuck a doctor

 

Joestar Secret Technique: and i oop

 

Spin Cycle: Relax 

 

Spin Cycle: The doctor is Gyro

 

Jomom: Good for him!

 

Jomom: Also, Johnny, there are minors in this chat. Be more appropriate.

 

Spin Cycle: Theyre 17

 

Joestar Secret Technique: yeah jon theres no way theyre as innocent as u think they r

 

Jomom: I have faith in my younger siblings and nephew. I believe that they are only participating in age appropriate activities.

 

Jomom: Besides, currently all three are single.

 

Spin Cycle: That doesnt mean anything

 

Joestar Secret Technique: johnny ur going to break his brain

 

Joestar Secret Technique: u r right jonathan

 

Joestar Secret Technique: the little ones are all virtuous

 

-

 

/Kinkshame Crew/

Dec 16 2019, 10:40 am

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Just a reminder that Mr Yoshikage is a gross man

 

Smol: What did he do now?

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: He looked over my shoulder as i was snapping my sister and she sent a pic of her flipping me off and he fucking moaned

 

Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: How has this man not been fired yet

 

Hand It To Ya: magic

 

Smol: Tenure.

 

Hair: Koichi

 

Hair: Why are you on your phone in class

 

Smol: Shit

 

Smol: Bye see you guys at lunch!

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: No comments for the rest of us

 

Hair: I couldn’t care less if you fail your classes

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Understandable have a nice day

 

&@%((@#*: :)

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Hello to you too mikitaka

 

&@%((@#*: :D

 

Hand It To Ya: hey are any of you down forjafvbahfvahv

 

Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: He got caught

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Rip Okuyasu

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: His memory will live on through us

 

Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: Not for long, Josuke

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Oh look at the time i have to go meet up with jolyne bye

 

Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: I will get my money back, Josuke

 

-

 

/Passione Secret Conference Room/

Dec 16 2019, 11:11 am

 

It’s Not Delivery: my aunt knows

 

Shortcake: Which Aunt

 

Strawberry: You dumbass he only has one aunt

 

It’s Not Delivery: well two if you count aunt Erina

 

Strawberry: No.

 

It’s Not Delivery: just Jolyne then

 

Mother: What does she know, Giorno?

 

It’s Not Delivery: she knows about Passione

 

Mother’s Favourite: YOU TOLD HER

 

Mother’s Favourite: TRAITOR

 

Mother: Leone, don’t jump to conclusions

 

Mother: I’m sure Giorno has an explanation

 

It’s Not Delivery: i accidentally sent her a screenshot of one of our conversations when i meant to send another

 

It’s Not Delivery: she came to the conclusion on her own tho

 

Shortcake: oh my god

 

Mother’s Favourite: I told you he couldnt be trusted

 

Shortcake: i cant belive it wasnt me

 

Strawberry: How have you managed to pass english

 

Shortcake: strategik bullshit

 

Mother: Everyone calm down

 

Mother: Giorno, do you believe she will tell anyone?

 

It’s Not Delivery: no

 

It’s Not Delivery: i have some information, that if released to our family, would result in some very unfortunate events for her

 

It’s Not Delivery: we’ve agreed to mutually keep secrets secret

 

Mother: Then all is fine

 

Mother: I will be paying Jolyne a little visit, just in case

 

It’s Not Delivery: understood

 

MISTAke: just got my phone back from mr polpo

 

MISTAke: what did i miss

 

-

 

/Free The Stones/

Dec 16 2019, 12:01 pm

 

Marry Me Jolyne: Jolyne, one of those weird anti-drug guys is looking for you

 

Marry Me Jolyne: I will fight him off in your honour

 

No: thats Giornos friend

 

No: tell him im eating outside

 

Channel 7: Why are you eating outside it’s raining

 

Goddess: We skipped this morning and she doesn’t want her teachers to see her

 

Channel 7: Fair carry on

 

Our King: Hey guys! How’s it going!

 

No: my fries are getting wet :(

 

Our King: Go eat inside?

 

No: <-

 

Goddess: You can’t complain then

 

No: i can and will

 

No: this is disgusting

 

Marry Me Jolyne: Are you sure I can’t fight him off?

 

Marry Me Jolyne: I have a feeling that he has no good intentions

 

Marry Me Jolyne: I must protect you

 

No: fuck off Annasui

 

No: Giorno told me that his friend was looking for me, just fucking tell him already

 

Kung Foo: Update!

 

Kung Foo: Annasui tried to fight Bruno Bucciarati and got his ass kicked by Leone Abbacchio

 

Kung Foo: Jolyne, they’re coming your way

 

Goddess: Thanks, FF

 

Goddess: I’m going to go make sure Annasui doesn’t die

 

No: ill let you know when were done out here

 

Channel 7: Jolyne, just a heads up. The winds are going to pick up.

 

Channel 7: You should come inside

 

No: <-

 

Our King: …

 

Our King: Man, highschool seems much more interesting than middle school

 

Channel 7: Enjoy it while you can.

Chapter Text

/Jo Clan/

Dec 18 2019, 10:37 am

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: theres nothing quite like a snow day to brighten up your week

 

Gappy: Wasn’t it raining two days ago?

 

GioGio: the weather here is fucked

 

Jomom: Language, Giorno.

 

GioGio: the weather here has sugma

 

Joestar Secret Technique: NO ONE SAY IT

 

Joestar Secret Technique: I WILL NOT BE SUGMA’D BY MY NEPHEW tHIS CLOSE TO 2020

 

Shine On: Hmmm

 

Shine On: Say jonathan

 

Shine On: Do you happen to know what that means

 

Spin Cycle: Oh boy

 

Jomom: No, Josuke, I do not!

 

Jomom: Giorno, what’s sugma?

 

Joestar Secret Technique: FUCK

 

GioGio: sugma balls

 

GioGio: B)

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar has left Jo Clan

 

Jomom: …

 

Jomom: I see what happened there.

 

Jomom: I am so sorry, guys.

 

Gappy: I can’t believe I just witnessed that

 

Joestar Secret Technique: gonna go commit coma see you all after the rapture

 

Spin Cycle: I see things are spicy today in the Joestar home

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: i was gonna attack your word choice but its too accurate

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: we got like 8 inches of snow or somthn and now we have a snow day

 

Jodad: It’s a full house today!

 

Shine On: I keep forgetting youre in here Erina

 

Jomom: Why? She is also a Joestar?

 

Shine On: No its just

 

Shine On: Weird i guess

 

Jodad: I understand your point, Josuke, don’t worry.

 

Jodad: When are Koichi and Okuyasu getting here?

 

Shine On: They said theyd be here in like 10 minutes

 

Jodad: Great! Jolyne, is Hermes coming over too?

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: yeah if its okay with you

 

Jomom: Of course it is! Any friend is welcome here!

 

Joot: Jolyne. Still?

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: not yet Jotaro

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: shh

 

Spin Cycle: Eyes emoji

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: fuck off Bug Bite

 

Spin Cycle: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: i have my ways

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: oh yeah here

 

Jolyne Joestar added Giorno Giovanna-Joestar to Jo Clan

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Requiem

 

Requiem: can i also have some friends over

 

Jomom: Of course, Giorno!

 

Jomom: Some notice would be prefered next time, though.

 

Jodad: And better behaviour.

 

Requiem: understood

 

Requiem: Narancia, Trish, and Mista will be here at noon

 

Joestar Secret Technique: ooh little gio is having a girl over

 

Shine On: Oh boy

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: oh boy

 

Requiem: oh no would you look at the time i am late for my ligma appointment

 

Shine On: Gio just threw himself out of his window and into the snowbank

 

Shine On: In his pyjamas

 

Joestar Secret Technique: was it something i said

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Gay and European

 

Gay and European: this should answer your question

 

Jomom: Joseph, did you forget when Giorno came out to the family last year during thanksgiving?

 

Joestar Secret Technique: i thought he was joking

 

Joestar Secret Technique: wait does that also mean

 

Josuke Joestar changed his nickname to Shining Homosexual

 

Shining Homosexual: Yep

 

Joestar Secret Technique: hold on

 

Joestar Secret Technique: i thought jotaro was the gay brother

 

Joot: I am.

 

Joot: More than one person can be gay in a single family Joseph.

 

Spin Cycle: Yes

 

Spin Cycle: Gay cousin here

 

Gappy: Not gay, but supportive!

 

Shining Homosexual: Thank you cousin josuke

 

Gappy: :)

 

Joestar Secret Technique: wait

 

Joestar Secret Technique: do any of you like girls

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: hi

 

Jomom: Oh! Jolyne!

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: yep

 

Jodad: Thank you for telling us!

 

Jodad: We love you no matter what, Jolyne.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: thank you Erina

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: love you too

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: oop Hermes is here ill talk to yall later

 

Jomom: Man, they are such good friends!

 

Jomom: Speedwagon and I were the same way when we were her age!

 

Shining Homosexual: Ahaha you betcha

 

Shining Homosexual: The boys are here

 

Gay and European: i’m going to go change

 

Joestar Secret Technique: i cant believe i didnt know that most of this family is gay

 

Jomom: It’s okay, Joseph! You know now!

 

Jodad: Does anyone need anything from the store? I’m about to drop George off at his friend Elizabeth’s house.

 

Shining Homosexual: Smore stuff

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: sprite cranberry

 

Gay and European: a new dad

 

Spin Cycle: Legs

 

Gappy: Memories

 

Joot: A will to live

 

Jodad: Okay so I can get some of that.

 

Jodad: You kids need to lighten up.

 

-

 

Dec 18 2019, 3:57 pm

 

Jodad: How many are staying for dinner?

 

Gay and European: Trish has to go home but Narancia and Mista are staying

 

Gay and European: are they allowed to sleep over

 

Jomom: Tomorrow is a school day, Giorno.

 

Gay and European: their parents said yes

 

Jomom: Just don’t stay up too late.

 

Gay and European: thank you uncle Jonathan

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: same thing for Hermes

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: except were gonna go get dinner on our own

 

Jodad: Be careful and stay safe, Jolyne!

 

Jomom: Be back before nine, please.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: :)

 

Shining Homosexual: Koichi invited me to go sleep over at his place

 

Shining Homosexual: His parents are gonna pick us up at 5

 

Jomom: Josuke, please talk with us before making plans next time!

 

Shining Homosexual: Sorry Jonathan

 

Jodad: Now that that’s covered, next question.

 

Jodad: Who’s coming to visit for Christmas?

 

Joot: My last exam is tomorrow.

 

Joot: Kakyoin and I are going to drive back after it. Should be there day after next.

 

Spin Cycle: Gyro and I will be showing up on the 22

 

Spin Cycle: We may have Diego with us but we dont know yet

 

Gappy: I’ll be flying out on Christmas eve, with a special guest!

 

Gappy: Don’t ask who it is, we wanna keep it a secret!

 

Joestar Secret Technique: suzi q caesar and i are coming after work tomorrow

 

Joestar Secret Technique: weve agreed to share my old room

 

Jodad: Looks like we’re having a full house this year!

 

Jodad: I’ll make a sleeping arrangement and send it to you all when I finish!

 

-

 

/Private channel between Giorno Giovanna-Joestar and Jonathan Joestar/

Dec 18 2019, 4:23 pm

 

Gio: is he going to come this year

 

Jonathan: I don’t know what to tell you, Giorno.

 

Jonathan: We sent him a text, an email, and left him a voicemail, but he hasn’t responded yet.

 

Gio: i see

 

Jonathan: Don’t get too down, Giorno, there’s a chance your uncle Diego is going to be here!

 

Jonathan: Even if your dad doesn’t come, there are people here who love you and want you to have a good holiday season.

 

Gio: thank you uncle Jonathan

 

Gio: i’m going to get back to my friends now

 

Jonathan: Anytime, Giorno.:)

 

Jonathan: Enjoy your time.

Chapter Text

/Why Does Jotaro Have a Dolphin Body Pillow/

Dec 19 2019, 12:05 am

 

Mafia Mob: JOLYNE

 

Mafia Mob: JOLYNE

 

Mafia Mob: GET IN HERE

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: fucking lamb sauce Giorno what do you want

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: im cuddling with woman

 

Mafia Mob: good add her to the chat

 

Mafia Mob: i need you to follow through with your promise

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: fuck

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: now??

 

Mafia Mob: yes now

 

Mafia Mob: Narancia fell asleep and now Mista is sitting closer

 

Mafia Mob: he took off his hat

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: alright calm down

 

Jolyne Joestar added Hermes Costello to Why Does Jotaro Have a Dolphin Body Pillow

 

Jolyne Joestar changed Hermes Costello’s nickname to Consultant

 

Consultant: Your brother has a dolphin body pillow?

 

Mafia Mob: not important

 

Mafia Mob: there is a boy who i am attracted to not even a foot away from me and i need your wisdom

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: watch naruto

 

Mafia Mob: Jolyne i will end your bloodline

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: jeez fine

 

Consultant: Is he flirting with you?

 

Mafia Mob: i have no idea

 

Consultant: Tell us what he’s doing

 

Mafia Mob: okay

 

Mafia Mob: he’s leaning in pretty closely

 

Mafia Mob: he asked me to touch his hair

 

Mafia Mob: holy fuck its really soft

 

Mafia Mob: like a kitten

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: this is the one who doesnt take off his hat right

 

Mafia Mob: yea

 

Mafia Mob: he’s looking at me

 

Mafia Mob: quick lesbians, what do i do

 

Consultant: Do exactly as I say

 

Consultant: You’re going to put down your phone, and face him. You’re a Joestar, you have to believe that fate is on your side. Lean in yourself, and be frank with him. Ask him to kiss you. Go from there as you wish.

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: dont fuck him yet Gio

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: cant fuck with Jonathan in the house

 

Mafia Mob: fuck off Jolyne

 

Mafia Mob: thank you, Hermes

 

Consultant: Good luck, Giorno!

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: aw my little nephew is growing up

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i feel old now

 

Consultant: Aw, poor Jojo, does someone need a feel better kiss?

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: put down your phone and get over here

 

Consultant: Gladly

 

Hermes Costello has left Why Does Jotaro Have a Dolphin Body Pillow

 

-

 

Dec 19 2019, 6:35 am

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Damn i slept through history

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Whats the damage

 

Mafia Mob: well, you see,

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Mans Acquired

 

Mans Acquired: :)

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Way to go giorno!

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Whats the sitch

 

Mans Acquired: Guido and i are going to have dinner after school today

 

Mans Acquired: at the italian place where Bucciarati works

 

Mans Acquired: for the time being we are not boyfriends, but we will decide at the end of our date tonight

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: ;-;

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Im so proud of you gio

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: thats my nephew!

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: Hermes says congrats

 

Mans Acquired: thank you all so much for helping me get to this point

 

Mans Acquired: Guido says hi, by the way

 

Mans Acquired: Narancia won’t wake up for a while so we’re gonna be gay

 

Mans Acquired: peace

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Now im the only single one :(

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: one day Okuyasu will realize youre in love with him

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: until then we can flex on you

 

Jolyne Joestar sent an image

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar sent an image

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: :(

 

-

 

/Jo Clan/

Dec 19 2019, 9:28 am

 

Jodad: Alright, I’ve worked out the sleeping chart!

 

Jodad: Jonathan, George, and I will be in the master

 

Jomom: I’ll let the kiddo know, dear!

 

Jodad: Thank you, honey. :)

 

Jodad: Joseph, Suzi Q, and Caesar will be in his old room, just as they volunteered.

 

Jodad: Jotaro and Noriaki will be in his old room, which is currently Josuke’s.

 

Shining Homosexual: But i just got it back :(

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: shut your mouth Noriaki is coming

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: youll get it back after

 

Jodad: Johnny and Gyro will be in Giorno’s room, aka Jonathan’s old room, and if Diego comes he’ll be there with them too.

 

Spin Cycle: Cool

 

Gay and European: oh no

 

Jodad: Josuke and his guest will be in the guest room.

 

Shining Homosexual: Oh no

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: oh no

 

Jodad: Giorno, Josuke, and Jolyne will be sharing her room while the family is here.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Erina why

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: we havent had to share since we were seven

 

Jodad: It’s share your room with the boys or you sleep on the couch, Jolyne.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: >:(

 

Joot: Oh, Jolyne.

 

Joot: Kakyoin is bringing a gift for you. He has one for everyone, but he wants you to know that he’s rather proud of your’s.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Josuke, Giorno, i welcome you to casa Jolyne

 

-

 

/Private channel between Giorno Giovanna-Joestar and Jonathan Joestar/

Dec 19 2019, 6:38 pm

 

Gio: is he coming, Jonathan?

 

Jonathan: I’m sorry, Giorno.

 

Gio: …

 

Jonathan: Giorno?

 

-

 

/Private channel between Jonathan Joestar and Dio Brando/

Dec 19 2019, 10:56 pm

 

DIO: I accept your invitation and will join you for Christmas. I will arrive early day of, and leave the next day. Don’t bother replying, I won’t answer.

 

DIO: I will bring something for the boy. That is all.

 

-

 

/Private channel between Giorno Giovanna-Joestar and Guido Mista/

Dec 19 2019, 11:00 pm

 

Buon Giorno: how soon can you be here

 

Mista Worldwide: uh

 

Mista Worldwide: ten minutes

 

Buon Giorno: i’ll be waiting by the road

 

Mista Worldwide: something wrong

 

Buon Giorno: family issues, i’ll tell you once i’m looking at your face again

 

Mista Worldwide: ah gotcha

 

Mista Worldwide: ill bring pudding

 

Buon Giorno: you are my favourite person ever

 

Mista Worldwide: your my favourite person 2 gio

 

Mista Worldwide: see u in a little bit babe

 

Buon Giorno: see you, mio caro

Chapter Text

/Jo Clan/

Dec 22 2019, 7:15 am

 

Joseph Joestar changed the chat name to HoHo JoJos

 

Joseph Joestar changes his nickname to Jingle Bells

 

Jingle Bells: TWO DAYS FUCKERS

 

Spin Cycle: Jesus fuck, Joseph

 

Spin Cycle: Go back to bed

 

Jingle Bells: no >:)

 

Spin Cycle: Welp guess I’m up now

 

Spin Cycle: Gyro, Diego and I are gonna leave soon, I guess

 

Gay and European: uncle Diego is coming?

 

Spin Cycle: Yeah

 

Gay and European: cool

 

Jomom: See, Giorno? I told you he’d come!

 

Gay and European: i guess

 

Gay and European: can i go to Guido’s?

 

Jomom: Sure thing, let us know when you need to be picked up!

 

Gay and European: he’ll drive me back

 

Jomom: I see. Well, have fun and be safe!

 

Gappy: Poor kid

 

Jomom: Whatever could you mean, Josuke?

 

Gappy: Another year without seeing his dad

 

Gappy: Did Dio even get him something for his birthday?

 

Jodad: He sent him a cheque for a hundred dollars and a signed card.

 

Shining Homosexual: Yeah and the card wished him a happy seventh birthday

 

Shining Homosexual: And was addressed to a ‘sweet grandaughter’

 

Gappy: When was the last time that he even saw his own son?

 

Jomom: Easter, when Giorno was eleven.

 

Jodad: Oh my, has it really been six years?

 

Jomom: We’ll just have to make this Christmas extra special for Giorno! 

 

Jomom: We’ll show him just how much he belongs here and how much we love him!

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: what if we host a Christmas party on Christmas eve? 

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: we can make it a surprise, invite all of our friends and his

 

Shining Homosexual: Jolyne and i can get him out of the house during set up!

 

Jomom: I like that idea! Nice work, you two!

 

Jomom: How will we keep him from finding out?

 

Jolyne Joestar deleted 17 messages

 

-

 

Jolyne Joestar created /Chat/

Dec 22 2019, 8:03 am

 

Jolyne Joestar added Jonathan Joestar, Joseph Joestar, and five others to Chat

 

Jolyne Joestar changed the chat name to /Giorno’s Gift/

 

Jolyne Joestar: well keep all party info here, so Giorno can be surprised

 

Jolyne Joestar: add anyone youre inviting, so that they can get the details too

 

Jolyne Joestar added Hermes Costello, Emporio Alnino, and eight others to Giorno’s Gift

 

Jonathan Joestar added Robert Speedwagon and Baron Zeppeli to Giorno’s Gift

 

Joseph Joestar added Caesar Zeppeli, Suzi Q, and Smokey Brown to Giorno’s Gift

 

Jotaro Joestar added Noriaki Kakyoin, Mohammed Avdul, and Jean Pierre Polnareff to Giorno’s Gift

 

Josuke Joestar added Okuyasu Nijimura, Koichi Hirose, and three others to Giorno’s Gift

 

Johnny Joestar added Gyro Zeppeli, Diego Brando, and Hot Pants to Giorno’s Gift

 

Josuke Higashikata: I won’t add my guest, we’ve agreed that I’d send them all the details

 

Josuke Higashikata: We still wanna keep it a secret :)

 

Josuke Joestar: Understandable

 

Mohammed Avdul: Why have we been added to this group chat?

 

Jonathan Joestar: Giorno has been taking this holiday season rather roughly, especially since he hasn’t seen his father in a few years.

 

Jonathan Joestar: Jolyne and Josuke had the wonderful idea to host a surprise Christmas party, to show Giorno that he isn’t alone, and you’re all invited!

 

Jolyne Joestar: heavy emphasis on SURPRISE

 

Josuke Joestar: NO ONE is to tell giorno

 

Erina Pendleton-Joestar: It will be on Christmas Eve at the Joestar home, from 4 pm until midnight! Potluck style!

 

Jotaro Joestar: Do not tell Giorno.

 

Okuyasu Nijimura: wow there sure are a lot of you Joestars

 

Okuyasu Nijimura: but why are you having a party for frozen pizza?

 

Koichi Hirose: Not DiGiorno, Giorno, Josuke’s nephew.

 

Narancia Ghirga: A DiGiorno party does sound fun tho

 

Rohan Kishibe: Wait, you weren’t joking that your cousin has the same name as you?

 

Josuke Joestar: Lmao yeah

 

Josuke Higashikata: Hi

 

Guido Mista: ngl thats kinda weird

 

Jolyne Joestar: arent you with Giorno right now?

 

Guido Mista: hes in the bathroom

 

Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Jingle Jangle

 

Joseph Joestar changed Josuke Joestar’s nickname to Crazy Crimmus

 

Joseph Joestar changed Josuke Higashikata’s nickname to Merry Morioh

 

Joseph Joestar changed Caesar Zeppeli’s nickname to The Grinch

 

The Grinch: Joseph you have the maturity of a newborn monkey

 

The Grinch: I actually like Christmas

 

Jingle Jangle: lies

 

Narancia Ghirga: wiat were aloud nickanmes

 

Narancia Ghirga changed his name to Fly High

 

Pannacotta Fugo: WHY ARE YOU SPELLING SHIT WRONG

 

Fly High: my autocrrost doesnt work

 

Pannacotta Fugo: YOU ABSOLUTE DUMBASS A FIVE YEAR OLD CAN SPELL BETTER THAN YOU

 

Fly High: yeah they haveauthocorrst tho

 

Narciso Annasui: Jolyne, you should leave.

 

Jolyne: wtf why

 

Narciso Annasui: It’s dangerous, I will protect you.

 

Leone Abbacchio: Fuck off.

 

Bruno Bucciarati: Ah, Annasui.

 

Bruno Bucciarati: Jolyne, how nice to be able to talk to you again

 

Jonathan Joestar: Oh! You’re Giorno’s friends!

 

Jonathan Joestar: Very nice to meet you again!

 

Leone Abbacchio: Is this mandatory

 

-

 

/Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Body Pillow/

Dec 22 2019, 12:46 pm

 

Mans Acquired: i love Guido

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: gay

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: wat he do

 

Mans Acquired: we’re sitting in his car at the lookout point

 

Mans Acquired: we got pizza on the way out of town

 

Mans Acquired: and this man just started streaming my favourite movie on his phone

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Hes watching the room

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Hes a saint

 

Mans Acquired: is 17 too young to get married

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: in this country yes

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: but you got yourself a keeper there Gio

 

Mans Acquired: i know

 

Mans Acquired: look at my bf

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar sent an image

 

Mans Acquired: oh no he saw me

 

Mans Acquired: gotta go

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: y’all are always making me feel lonely here

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: bro just confess to Okuyasu already

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Ive tried

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: well try again

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: make sure theres no way he can misinterpret it

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Id have to fuck him

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: And even that might not work

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: JUST DO IT

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: bitch

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: Fine

 

Be Gay Punch Shit: thot

 

-

 

Dec 22 2019, 3:29 pm

 

Josuke Joestar changed his nickname to Gay Heaven Now

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: told you

 

Gay Heaven Now: Id tell you to shut up but im too happy

 

Mans Acquired: why were you gone for three hours

 

Gay Heaven Now: We made out for like an hour or two

 

Gay Heaven Now: His hands are very big and warm

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: gross

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: but also mood

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: now that everythings been solved we have something to discuss

 

Mans Acquired: yes, we do

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i am used to a certain level of comfort that i cannot achieve while you two are in my room

 

Gay Heaven Now: Disgusting

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: im not talking about masturbation dumbass

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i am but a simple lesbian

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i enjoy sleeping in the same bed as my gf

 

Mans Acquired: i feel the same, but with Guido

 

Mans Acquired: we need a plan and schedule

 

Gay Heaven Now: The basement is gonna be empty the whole time

 

Gay Heaven Now: Whoever is being gay that night can use the basement with the broken side door

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: Hermes and i get the night of the 26

 

Mans Acquired: i’ll take tomorrow night then

 

Gay Heaven Now: Oku and i will take the 27 then

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: that went easier than expected

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: welp im gonna go play minecraft with Joot’s boyfriend

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: enjoy your gay hours fellas

Chapter Text

Dec 24 2019, 1:46 pm

 

Giorno sighed heavily, dropping his phone onto his chest. Guido had left just after sunrise, and Giorno had slumped his way back up to Jolyne’s room in the cold air of the morning. The twins had still been asleep when he stumbled into his aunt’s hell furnace room, both twisted up in odd angles on the bed and one of the cots Jonathan had rolled in. Giorno rolled his eyes at the choking sounds of Josuke’s snores, and had flopped down onto his own cot.

That had been over six hours ago. He hadn’t fallen back to sleep, simply lying in the dark, hot room until the noises of Erina and George down in the kitchen had woken up the twins. Jolyne had kicked the two boys out, and Giorno let out another sigh as he’d lumbered down the stairs, joining his relatives in the dining room. Cousin Josuke was the only one who said they were coming and wasn’t there yet, so the house was busy.

Joseph had brought both of his roomates with him, and if Giorno didn’t know that Joseph was “Straight as can be”, his own words, he would’ve thought that his uncle and Caesar were married by the way they bickered and teased. Then there was Jotaro and Noriaki, the later smiling as he went on to talk with Jonathan, the former looking at him with a softness Giorno rarely saw on his face.

Johnny had his wheelchair parked by the table, and was deep in an argument with Diego over who knows what. Gyro was calmly eating beside his boyfriend, obviously used to it. Giorno hadn’t had much of a chance to talk to his only biological uncle yet, but he supposed it was for the best. He knew Diego didn’t know his brother that well either.

After breakfast Giorno had wandered back down to the basement, where he’d tried to text his friends in the hope that one of them would be free to hang out. The best he got was a sorry from Narancia, who said he was visiting his aunt for the holidays. That was when Giorno gave up, and decided to scroll his phone until he was inevitably called for dinner.

“Alright, get up there, Gio.” Jolyne called, leaning over the back of the couch, only her buns done, the part of her hair usually in a braid hanging around her shoulders. “We’re gonna go see a movie.”

“No thanks.”

Josuke popped us beside his twin sister, pouting with his eyes narrowed. “Now, now, none of that! I’m paying, so you will be coming.”

Giorno felt his anger swell, and rolled to face away from them. “I said, no.”

Suddenly he felt four hands on his back, and he was pushed off of the couch. Giorno tried to shout, but he was quickly swept up by his taller aunt and uncle. “Put me down! I’m not even dressed!”

“Neither are we.” Jolyne pointed out, shifting her arms under his armpits. It was true, all three teens were dressed in the matching flannel pyjamas Jonathan and Erina had gotten them for Christmas last year. Josuke’s purple shirt was paired with grey, magenta, and fuschia plaid pants, Jolyne’s navy shirt and her lime green, pink, and cerulean plaid bottoms, and Giorno’s own black shirt and gold, pink, and red plaid pants. The Joestars got matching pyjamas every year, given out on Christmas eve so that they’d all be wearing them in the photos taken on Christmas day.

“This is technically kidnapping, you know.” Giorno huffed, trying to dig his foot into Josuke’s side as the taller boy struggled to not only get his own shoes on, but also put Giorno’s on as well.

“Stop squirming, you little jerk.” He hissed as the smaller teen hit a sore spot along his ribs. “Look, behave and we’ll buy you those stupid candies you like so much.”

Giorno froze on the spot. “The gummy chilis?”

“Yeah.” Jolyne grunted, toeing her own boots on. “Those gross spicy gummies, two whole packs of them.”

“I will squirm less, under these new terms.”

None of the Joestars gave the trio odd looks, but Diego did huff out a laugh when he watched his nephew being dragged out of the house by the two youngest Joestars. “Have fun, little Gio!”

“Bye uncle Diego.” Giorno tried to wave, but he only ended up smacking Jolyne. Jotaro grumbled from his armchair, but a hint of a smile could be seen behind his coffee cup.

Josuke drove them to the town’s theatre, driving just as roughly as always in Jotaro’s van. He’d be angry when he finds out, but as long as it gets back in one piece, Giorno knew they wouldn’t get in too much trouble. After a particularly rough turn, they’re parked in the lot of the large movie theatre. Jolyne and Josuke each grabbed one of his arms, still convinced that Giorno was going to bolt the second they turned their eyes from him. Sure, that’s what he wanted to do, but he wouldn’t actually do it.

Probably.

They watched Frozen 2, and they probably ruined it for some children in the theatre. Josuke had tried to steal some of the gummy chilis and cried until he drank the milkshake of the seven-year-old girl sitting in front of him, while Jolyne cackled along. Giorno had just smiled, shaking his head as Josuke fumbled to grab bills from his wallet as the girl’s mother lectured him.

It wasn’t long until they were rushing out of the theatre, dodging angry parents as the credits rolled past on screen. Giorno had to leave his drink behind in the rush, but luckily he had tucked the second bag of gummies into his pocket. Jolyne pulled them behind one of the shops across the street, checking her phone as the boys panted and checked for that one really buff father, the one who looked far too much like a WWE wrestler for them to be comfortable.

“Let’s hurry home.” She nudged them towards the parking lot, winking at Josuke. “Joot noticed his van’s missing.”

“Fuuuuck.” Josuke groaned, his face morphing into a look of regret and fear. “Are you sure we can’t just run away?”

Giorno huffs out a laugh, shaking his head. He feels his hair against his neck and startles at the realization that he didn’t put it up today. His rings had stayed from yesterday, but his braid was gone, still undone from when Guido had played with it last night. How had he not noticed?

“Let’s go.” Jolyne grinned as she dragged the boys along, back towards the van with the dolphin bumper sticker. “Joot says Jonathan wants us home as soon as possible. Family dinner’s a little earlier tonight.”

Giorno didn’t question this, just climbed into the van and held onto the door handle tightly as Josuke ripped off into the afternoon. It was just after four pm, and the sun was already showing signs of setting. Back in the safe warmth of the van, Giorno felt that hollow feeling that usually filled him around holidays. Family dinner, another faint reminder that Giorno was an intruder, the only blond in a house of dark haired Joestars, save Johnny. He was at least related to them by blood.

Giorno’s daze somehow blotted the number of cars from his mind, ignoring the way the lights shut off, the slight hiss from the windows. The twins grinned at each other as they pushed him into the house first, and Giorno’s hand shot out to open the front door by instinct alone.

“SURPRISE!” A hoard of voices shouted, and Giorno had to take a step back under the force of the wall of noise. There’s a lot of people in the Joestar family living room, all dressed up in Christmas gear to some extent. Giorno could easily pick his friends out of the crowd, from the antlers perched atop Guido and Narancia’s heads, the lights wrapped around Fugo, Bucciarati’s ugly sweater, Trish’s garland boa, and the oddly holiday themed black attire Abbacchio was wearing. “Merry Christmas, Giorno!”

He was startled, at least for a moment, and he felt Josuke and Jolyne lay their hands on his shoulders, pushing him further into the warm house. “Huh?”

His uncle Diego stepped out of the group, slinging an arm around him in a way that seemed almost like he had too much wine with his lunch. “It’s a party, Gio.”

Jonathan smiled, his sweater the absolute ugliest thing Giorno had ever laid eyes on, with little George hoisted up on his shoulders. “We know the holidays have always been a rough time for you, Giorno, and Jolyne and Josuke wanted you to really enjoy this one!”

Erina stepped up beside her massive husband, in a sweater that matched both his and George’s, a coherent little family amongst their large mess. “We all love you, Giorno, and we just wanted to make your Christmas special this year.”

He felt his eyes sting, and his chin starting to quiver. Giorno, not wanting to appear weak, turned his head to the side, teeth digging into his lip. 

A pair of arms wrapped around him, Jolyne’s face smashing into his roughly as Josuke threw himself into the hug as well. Joseph threw himself onto the growing pile, dragging Johnny out of his wheelchair on the way. Cousin Josuke poked himself up from the back of the group, and added himself to the group hug along with Jonathan, Erina, and lastly Jotaro. 

Giorno fell apart in their arms, letting his uncles and aunts hold up his weight as his eyes let his tears spill down his cheeks. He barely noticed Narancia throw himself into the mix at the edge of his vision, followed slowly by the rest of their little group. 

Giorno was used to feeling alone, yet, in the warmth of the home that had felt so cold just that morning, in the arms of people he had once held at a distance, he finally felt at home.

Chapter Text

Dec 24 2019, 8:19 pm

 

The party was in full swing, and Giorno needed a break. He’d led his friends down into the basement, to the small lounge where he and Guido had spent the night. 

So much had happened over the last few hours. Once Giorno had regained his composure, cousin Josuke had finally introduced his surprise guest, his girlfriend Yasuho Hirose. She was sweet and smiled with so much joy that it felt like the room was brighter with her in it. So many people had wished him well, eating and chatting and having a good time. He even spent some time with his uncle Diego, although he did so with a tipsy Guido draped over his shoulder. Narancia had apparently swiped a bottle of wine, and the two had shared it while Bucciarati was too distracted to stop them.

Time had gotten lost to Giorno, and he was surprised to read the time on the large clock nestled in the empty basement. Had it really been four hours?

Narancia giggled, his antlers caught in Fugo’s lights. “Panna, I’m stuck! Hehe, we’re all tied together!”

Fugo didn’t look as angry as he normally would get, just simply used his steady hands to still Narancia’s, who was doing more harm than good to the tangle. “I can see.”

Trish smiled, looking rather comfortable in the armchair she had claimed for herself. “You alright there, Fugo?”

He grunted in response, trying to tame a squirming Narancia while unknotting the lights and fake antlers. His face had a soft look, though, one that didn’t really fit the way he normally interacted with the shorter boy. 

“Giorno?” A voice called from the stairs, and he turned his head to find Jolyne blinking down at him, Josuke standing behind her. Her shirt was a little rumpled in the front, her lipstick messier than it had been before, and darker, as if it had mixed with a darker shade. Josuke was wearing Okuyasu’s jacket, zipped fully to cover his neck. 

Instead of responding, Giorno lifted a hand towards them, before putting it back around Guido. He’d brought them matching sweaters, an early Christmas gift, he’d called them. Giorno didn’t want to sound mean, but oh dear god, they were so goddamn ugly. Guido’s signature blue and red mixed in a weird swirling pattern with gold and pink and horrid black lettering, and Giorno was about ninety percent sure the font was called blood, clearly reading “It Holiday Babee”. There were little gold goblins on the back, six of them to be precise, and ladybugs on the shoulders. The tiddy window was somehow the best part.

Giorno loved it thought, and wore it all night, even if Jotaro had sent him a weird look over the hole in the chest area. Some things were better left alone. 

“Sorry, fellas, Trish, but we need to borrow him for a bit.” Jolyne smiled shakily, eyes clearly avoiding the side of the room where Abbacchio and Bucciarati were sitting. Must’ve been from their talk. “It won’t be long, promise.”

“You have our word!” Josuke piped up, leaning his head into view, hands coming up to shield his precious pomp.

Giorno shakes his head, and takes a minute to get himself free from Guido’s cocoon of warmth. The taller teen whined the whole time, but he settled after a quick kiss and promise of a quick return.

He follows the twins into the boiler room, sits himself on the horrid hand chair that used to sit in Joseph’s room, fumbles with his hands a little. He may have had some of the stolen wine himself.

Jolyne and Josuke, however, are far more stumbly. It is very clear that someone had been slipping them drinks, and Giorno is pretty confident that it was Jotaro’s friend Jean Pierre. He seemed far too gullible to be able to resist the terror twins.

“We wanted to give you one of your gifts early.” Jolyne muttered, and Giorno only now realized her hands were behind her back. “It’s from both of us, but the others are on board for it.”

Josuke nodded, his smile dopey and bright. “We worked really hard, so I’ll have to fight you if you laugh!”

Jolyne finally pulls out their gift, and Giorno stares at the framed paper, printed to look like a certificate with both of their messy handwriting all over it.

 

This certificate hereby states that Giorno Giovanna-Joestar is now the brother of Jonathan, Joseph, Jotaro, Josuke, and Jolyne Joestar, and all the other titles that come with.

 

Giorno’s eyes started to water, and his throat closed up. This was the most thoughtful gift he had ever received, and from his uncle and aunt, no, his sister and brother, no less. He carefully placed it on the hand chair as he stood, and threw himself, sobbing, into their arms.

They seemed spooked at first, before melding into it. This is probably why they pulled him away from his friends. Abbacchio, no matter how much he claims to hate Giorno, would fight anyone who hurt any of his friends, and a Christmas party was no time to watch Josuke get beat up by an emo gangster.

“I love you guys.” He managed between uneven sobs, face pressed into his brother’s shoulder.

“We love you too, Gio.” Josuke slurred, swaying the trio at a dangerous angle. If anyone else were in that hug, they would have fallen. “The little brother I always wanted!”

Jolyne laughed, all bright and harsh. “I’m not the youngest anymore! Guess who’s taking the hump seat!”

The trio laughed, wet and cheery, until Giorno had dried up. He detached himself from his siblings, both immediately messing up his hair as he went to pick up his plaque, which was going to be hung in his room the second Johnny, Gyro, and Diego left. 

They were about to leave the boiler room when they heard a crash upstairs, followed by shouting. The trio looked at each other, before stumbling their way up the stairs.

At the top of the stairs, Giorno froze. The front door was open, and standing in the doorway, eyes narrowed, wrapped in a long scarf and golden jacket, was the last person Giorno expected to see.

Dio, his father.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Joseph hissed, only being held up by Caesar. He never could hold his liquor. 

Dio raised on studded eyebrow, a look of disgust on his face. “Hello to you as well, brother. I came to see my son and give him his Christmas gift in person. Ah, Giorno, there you are.”

Giorno did little more than blink, and watched the man walk towards him, a neatly wrapped box in his hands. He felt someone behind him, and without turning, he knew one of his friends had come up the stairs to check on the situation. Trish, judging by her perfume.

“Go on, take it.” Dio said, not smiling, but no longer glaring. “Can’t open it until tomorrow, though. Rules of the season.”

Giorno didn’t move, didn’t even look down at the box extended towards him. “Why are you here?”

Dio frowned, sighing. “I just told you. What, is Joseph’s stupidity contagious?”

“No, I know why you came.” Giorno felt his arms begin to shake, his anger and resentment and all the other ugly feelings thinking of his father had always caused taking over. “But what gives you the right to come?”

“I got an invitation.” He ground out, golden eyes flashing. “Didn’t I, Jojo?”

Jonathan didn’t answer, but he did nervously glance between the two blonds.

“Doesn’t matter, you’ve been uninvited.” Giorno ground out, and he could taste the poison his words were dripping on his tongue, and he knew his eyes held the same hostile glint he saw in those gold ones in the old family photos. “Either leave, or leave me alone, I couldn’t care less.”

Dio’s expression didn’t change, but his shoulders did flinch a little, and Giorno felt a miniscule sense of victory at that. “I was under the impression that you wanted me here, son.”

The last word was spat, and felt like an acid slap to the face, but Giorno knew he had to hold his ground. This was the climax his life had been building up to these last weeks. “Maybe this morning, but not now. Not ever, ever again. I thought I was alone, but I know that I’m not. You’re not my family, not really, and you never will be. I know my family, and they care for me and love me, unlike you, who couldn’t find time to visit his son in six fucking years. So go back to that hole you spent that time in, and never, ever, speak my name again.”

Giorno turned and stomped back down into the basement, avoiding Trish’s eyes as he stormed past. It was clear that the others had heard the exchange, but Giorno didn’t care, couldn’t care anymore. He threw himself back into the spot he’d held before, and flung himself into Guido’s waiting arms eagerly, his emotions turning tail, leaving only the pure terror facing his father left. Facing Dio, that man wasn’t his father, Jonathan had been more of a father to him than Dio ever was, so if he were to call anyone his father, it would be the man who he now called brother.

He felt a shiver wrack his body, before another body wrapped itself around him, then another, and another, until the whole group was somehow perched on the small couch, the only sound Giorno’s ragged breathing. No, he had no father, but he knew he had a family, both in the Joestars, and in Passione, the people who held the spots closest to his heart.

Chapter Text

/Jonathan’s Good Time Friends/

Dec 25 2019, 10:12 am

 

SPW Found: Merry Christmas, chaps!

 

SPW Found: Ope the days treatn you better than last night!

 

Jon: Thank you, Speedwagon, and Merry Christmas to you, too!

 

Jon: Dio left last night, after the incident, so things are a lot less hostile here now!

 

Saint: Yes, Giorno looks a little tired, but he seems in good spirits!

 

Saint: Josuke and Jolyne are tending to him rather nicely, I think they’re happy to have a younger brother.

 

SPW Found: That sounds lovely

 

Wine Uncle: good morning

 

Jon: Merry Christmas, Baron!

 

Jon: Will you be joining us tonight?

 

Wine Uncle: I will come to see my brothers, but I must fly back to Italy this afternoon to see our parents

 

Wine Uncle: they are not very happy that Caesar and Gyro are spending the holidays in America

 

Saint: Oh no, that’s not good.

 

Wine Uncle: it is what it is, dear Erina

 

Wine Uncle: is my god son having a good Christmas?

 

Jon: George seems to be having a great day! He’s very happy with all the gifts he got from his uncles and aunt! He’s even more excited to hear that Giorno is now officially his uncle, unless you count legality.

 

SPW Found: Did he find my gift?

 

Jon: Oh, yes! He loves the hat!

 

Saint: Please tell me there are no knives in it.

 

SPW Found: The hat is not a weapon

 

Saint: We’ll send you a photo when he gets back from playing in the yard with the new sled cousin Josuke and Yasuho gave him!

 

Saint: It’s from Morioh, so we’ll have to make sure it is also not a weapon later.

 

Jon: He’s wearing the RAF pilot’s jacket Joseph brought him, with the scarf and earmuff combo Suzi Q and Caesar made!

 

Wine Uncle: so precious

 

Jon: Jotaro got him a book he wrote about electric eels, since George told him this summer that they were his favourite during our aquarium trip. Noriaki got him a stuffed one to match!

 

Saint: And Johnny and Gyro teamed up to get him a saddle, which they say is for him to put on Slow Dancer when he finally goes to visit them this summer.

 

Jon: He is very excited about that!

 

Jon: But, I think my favourite of his gifts is Giorno’s!

 

SPW Found: What did he get im?

 

Saint: One of those yolks you can hook up to a flight sim, and a flight sim for the PS Josuke and Jolyne got him!

 

Wine Aunt: don’t you already have a PS?

 

Jon: Yes, but the twins thought it would be good for him to have his own, now that he has a TV in his room, from us!

 

Saint: It is small and came with a small DVD player, and it comes with an app so we can set hours on it!

 

SPW Found: Like an automated curfew?

 

Jon: You bet! We promised not to go overboard, though, and we set it to shut off at his bed time and to unlock at the time he normally wakes up for school.

 

SPW Found: Sure sounds like the little one is having a great holiday!

 

Saint: He sure is! I think he’s just excited to see the whole family in one place.

 

-

 

/Joseph Learns His Fucking Manners/

Dec 25 2019, 12:12 pm

 

Caesarino: Joseph

 

Caesarino: Where the fuck are you

 

God’s Mistake: >:)

 

Caesarino: Joseph I swear we will kick you out

 

Mamma Mia: We won’t

 

Caesarino: Don’t tell him that he’ll never tell us where he is!

 

Fire Safety: Merry Christmas, guys!

 

Mamma Mia: Merry Christmas, Smokey!

 

Mamma Mia: Is everything okay back in New York?

 

Fire Safety: Things are looking great!

 

Fire Safety: How’s visiting Joseph’s family going?

 

Caesarino: Jojo ran off and we can’t find him

 

God’s Mistake: relax im with my nephew

 

Joseph Joestar sent an image

 

Caesarino: Please tell me you aren’t going to get him hurt

 

God’s Mistake: relax

 

God’s Mistake: i know how to take care of children

 

God’s Mistake: btw he says thanks

 

Mamma Mia: He looks so cute in his new muffs!

 

Caesarino: I’m glad he likes the scarf

 

God’s Mistake: yea he is really hapnihahvkudhv o[qe8

 

Caesarino: What the fuck did you do now

 

Caesarino: Erina will kill you if George is hurt

 

God’s Mistake: the morioh sled was tied to my ankle and dragged me down the hill

 

-

 

/HoHo JoJos/

Dec 25 2019, 12:37

 

Jomom: Is anyone free to take Joseph to the hospital?

 

-

 

/Memedust Crysaders/

Dec 25 2019, 1:13 pm

 

Noriaki Kakyoin sent an image

 

Gamer Nation: Merry Christmas!

 

The Future is Doomed: Why are you at the hospital?

 

Dolphin Lover: My brother was attacked by a children’s sled.

 

The Future is Doomed: I see

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: which one

 

Dolphin Lover: Joseph.

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: oh good

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: glad it wasnt giorno

 

The Future is Doomed: How is he doing now?

 

Gamer Nation: When we left the house, he was with the twins

 

Gamer Nation: They all looked very happy

 

Dolphin Lover: Go ahead.

 

The Future is Doomed: ?

 

Gamer Nation: Okay so I had just given them my gifts and I don’t mean to flex but I think I gave them the best gifts ever!

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: oh do tell mon ami

 

Gamer Nation: Well, I got Giorno a new jacket with his name across the back and down the sleeves, ladybugs on the collar and everything!

 

Gamer Nation: For Josuke, the newest F Mega game and the expansion DLC, plus a themed controller

 

Gamer Nation: And, for Jolyne, a year’s worth of kick boxing lessons at the sports plex!

 

Dolphin Lover: She’s been whining about doing martial arts for years now.

 

Dolphin Lover: Hopefully this will shut her up.

 

The Future is Doomed: Congratulations, Noriaki

 

The Future is Doomed: You must have put a lot of thought into your gifts

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: wow nori

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: ur not even an inlaw and ur already trying to impress jotaros family

 

Dolphin Lover: Polnareff.

 

Dolphin Lover: I am coming to collect your knee caps.

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: u dont scare me

 

Gamer Nation: Oh shit he’s running to the van

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: au revoir i am returning to the homeland oefaliefalj

Chapter Text

/Kinkshame Crew/

Dec 28 2019, 2:00pm

 

Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: Daily reminder that Josuke Joestar is a little bitch and owes me $5,000

 

Smol: I thought it was only $50?

 

Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: I’m charging interest.

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Jeez calm down rohan

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Ill be able to pay you after my birthday

 

Hair: Get a job.

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: No u

 

Hand It To Ya: yo Rohan can i borrow 20 bucks

 

Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: Wtf no

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: What do you need babe

 

Hand It To Ya: i wanna buy a sandwich

 

Hair: A sandwich does not cost $20

 

Hand It To Ya: it does from tonios

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Come pick me up and well go together

 

Smol: Aren’t you broke, Josuke?

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Ouch

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: I wont be paying

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Jotaro left his wallet by the coatrack

 

Smol: He’s going to kill you!

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Only if he finds out

 

-

 

/HoHo JoJos/

Dec 28 2019, 2:38 pm

 

Joot: If anyone sees brother Josuke.

 

Joot: Tell him he’s already dead.

 

Jomom: Jotaro, do we need to have this conversation again?

 

Jomom: We don’t kill our siblings, or threaten them with death. That’s not good.

 

Joot: Josuke stole my fucking wallet again. Kakyoin and I were going to go to dinner tonight.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: no worries Jotaro i will personally assassinate him in Noris honour

 

Jomom: Jolyne!

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: figuratively

 

Spin Cycle: Can someone tell Gyro to come upstairs

 

Spin Cycle: Diego stole my fucking wheelchair

 

Gappy: Done!

 

Spin Cycle: Thank you civil jojo

 

Joseph Joestar changed Josuke Higashikata’s nickname to Civil Jojo

 

Civil Jojo: I mean

 

Civil Jojo: I’m thankful but sometimes some of you are civil?

 

Jingle Bells: dont lie 2 urself

 

Spin Cycle: Wow joseph is being civil today

 

Jingle Bells: ill hide ur wheelchair

 

Spin Cycle: Ill sick Gyro on you

 

Shining Homosexual: Children children youre both disgusting

 

Joot: Your hours are limited.

 

Shining Homosexual: Oh would you look at the time i think its time for me to move out

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to GioGio

 

GioGio: i’ll take his makeup

 

Shining Homosexual: No wait

 

Jomom: Guys, please!

 

Jomom: It’s the holidays, we should be getting along!

 

Jingle Bells: speaking of getting along

 

Civil Jojo: Oh no

 

Jingle Bells: annual jojo dinner is coming up

 

Joot: I thought we banned that years ago.

 

Jomom: Surprisingly not.

 

Jodad: I remember the first annual JoJo dinner.

 

Spin Cycle: Didnt dio bring ten members from his sex cult

 

GioGio: fits his character

 

Jodad: It was three, actually, Vanilla Ice, Mariah, and that old woman.

 

Jomom: Enya, I believe.

 

Jodad: Right, Enya, who brought her son J Giel.

 

Joot: Bastard Boy.

 

Jingle Bells: he tried to stab me outside a church once

 

Civil Jojo: Is this event mandatory?

 

Jingle Bells: very much yes

 

Jingle Bells: its iconic as hell

 

Jodad: Ah, yes, every JoJo brings their s/o to dinner to compete in secret games for a meaningless title. Highlight of my year.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Erina bringing on the sass

 

Joot: Remember that one year that Joseph brought a girl he bought on Craigslist.

 

Jingle Bells: it seemed like a good idea at the time

 

GioGio: she was actually Bruno’s cousin

 

Shining Homosexual: We cant cancel it this year

 

Shinging Homosexual: Like for once majority of us have someone to bring

 

Jingle Bells: yea its only me and jolyne

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: actually

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: nows as good a time as any

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Hermes and i have been dating for about two years now

 

GioGio: you said you got together this summer

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: haha whoops

 

Jomom: While I’m sad it took you this long to trust us with this information, I am very happy for you, Jolyne!

 

Jingle Bells: adds to my point

 

Jingle Bells: im the only single 1 i can b head judge

 

Jomom: Only if we agree that this time the competition will be less competitive.

 

Jodad: No one will be going to the hospital this year.

 

Jingle Bells: YESS!!

 

Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Head Judge

 

Head Judge: my panel will b me jonathan and erina

 

Head Judge: everyone book off jan 1 were doing it again

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: how many activities this time

 

Jodad: I think no more than five.

 

Spin Cycle: I vote for the timeless height challenge

 

GioGio: Gyro has everyone else beat automatically, that’s not fair

 

Shining Homosexual: Its supposed to be challenges dumbass

 

Jomom: We will not be judging on height, or any other category that has a clear winner as of right now.

 

Jomom: I’d like to propose charades!

 

GioGio: boring

 

Shining Homosexual: Drinking game

 

Jodad: Some of you are underage!

 

GioGio: not in the home country

 

Jomom: There will be no alcohol at the annual JoJo dinner this year.

 

Head Judge: dammit

 

Head Judge: anyways 

 

Head Judge: first challenge will be reaction to my outfit

 

Head Judge: as i will spend the whole evening dressed as dio

 

GioGio: oh dear god no

 

Head Judge: and of course impersonation of their jojo

 

Shining Homosexual: Oh yes

 

Spin Cycle: POSE POINTS

 

Civil Jojo: Joestar family trivia?

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: thats the spirit cousin Josuke!

 

Joot: Final challenge should be a video call with cousin Joshu.

 

Joot: If they survive they win.

 

Jomom: While I believe you should all be nicer to cousin Joshu, those sound like a nice set of challenges!

 

GioGio: please tell me Dio will not be invited

 

Jodad: He will not be.

 

Jomom: He was banned after the fire incident of 2012.

 

GioGio: good

 

Head Judge: all is set then

 

Head Judge: invite yalls dates 

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: this is gonna be epic

 

Shining Homosexual: Oku says hes excited to have dinner with you all

 

Joot: So many words from someone who will soon be dead.

 

Shining Homosexual: Ill make you a bet

 

Shining Homosexual: If Oku does better than Kak i dont have to pay you back

 

Joot: That is literally impossible, so I agree. If Kakyoin beats Okuyasu you pay me back. If Kakyoin wins overall, you do that and then treat us to dinner at Tonio’s, for a month. 

 

Shining Homosexual: And if Oku wins overall you do the same for us

 

Joot: Deal.

 

Jodad: Oh dear.

Chapter Text

Jan 1 2020, 4:29 pm

 

Jolyne was nervous. Tonight would be the first time that Hermes would be around her family as her girlfriend, to all of them. And, it was the annual JoJo dinner. Jolyne wished she could warn her girlfriend about the events to come, but that would have them be disqualified. It almost seemed worthwhile.

“Baby, look at me.” Hermes sighed, gently turning Jolyne’s head towards her. They were sitting in Hermes’ car, parked outside the Joestar home. Delaying. “It’s going to be fine, you don’t need to worry so much.”

Jolyne whined, pouting at the taller girl. Hermes was dressed in a nice, dark green dress, that somehow felt revealing and conservative all at once. Her hair was pulled back, still in dreads as usual. Jolyne herself was dressed in the blue and green number she’d worn to the school’s dance in November, swirly and spotted with a butterfly across her chest. They looked nice, and Jolyne wished that they were all dressed up for a date rather than a competitive dinner with her family.

Hermes smiled, leaned in to press a soft kiss against her lips. Jolyne felt her mind go blank, and she hummed, trying to draw it out for as long as possible.

“Well!” Hermes grinned, ending the kiss with one last smacking peck. “Let’s go!”

Jolyne groaned, and she felt death approaching. She doubted that she was going to survive the evening.

Hermes grabbed her hand as they strolled up to the door, and her mood spiked. Maybe things wouldn’t be too bad. Her girlfriend was the best, and Jolyne had been feeding her trivia for years, and there was no way she would be embarrassed tonight. Hermes was incapable of embarrassing her. She forgot her brothers.

Joseph opened the door in a flourish, dressed in only the most ridiculous thing that could only have been dragged from the depths of Dio Brando’s closet. His chest was covered, if one could even say that, in a skin-tight black shirt that shone like silk, covered in an electric yellow suit jacket. Green hearts covered his crotch and knees, with pointed gold elf boots. The black shirt seemed to actually be a black bodysuit, which really made looking below the belt awkward. There was a weird metal collar around his neck and his pants were just legs, held up solely by the thin green straps connected to the green heart belt. “Greetings, lesbians! Welcome to Joestar manner!”

Jolyne nervously glanced at Hermes. The first challenge had already started. Hermes paused, taking in all of Joseph with wide eyes. It was silent on the porch for a minute, until Hermes smiled nervously. “Thank you for the warm welcome. Joseph, yes? So nice to see you again.”

Thank god they were so used to Annasui dressing like a cheap hooker every day. Challenge one? Completed, hopefully with high points. “Alright, Joseph, let us in.”

Joseph nodded, grinning his maddest smile. “Of course, of course. Dinner’s at five thirty, everyone else is in the living room. Jonathan’s doing a little trivia!”

Jolyne dragged her girlfriend away from her brother, both removing their shoes at the doorway. Jonathan was running the trivia, so hopefully it wasn’t too cut throat. 

Hermes stopped Jolyne before she could drag them into the living room. “Hey, hey. Baby, look at me. What’s wrong?”

“Spsh, nothing’s wrong, it’s all good here!” Jolyne knew the second her mouth opened that none of what she just said was believable. 

Hermes gave her a look, before pulling her into a hug. “I know you won’t tell me, at least not yet, but do know this.” Hermes pulled away just enough to give her a gentle kiss. “I love you, and if you wanna leave, say the word, and I’ll drive us to my dad’s restaurant.”

God, Jolyne loved this girl, so much. She told her so, and kissed her soundly, once more. She wished she could have taken up her offer, but she caught her twin’s eyes as he shuffled back into the living room, and knew escape was impossible. “Jolyne’s here!”

Chapter Text

Jan 1 2020, 4:56 pm

 

Josuke and Okuyasu had been the third pair there. Johnny and Gyro had never left, and Noriaki had returned from the store with the food Erina had requested earlier. Yasuho and cousin Josuke returned from a tour of the city just after he himself had arrived back. Jolyne and Hermes entered next, and only Giorno was left to arrive with his date, Mista. 

Okuyasu had stared at Joseph, and Josuke thought he was going to flip until he smiled and complemented his outfit. Josuke was a little scared that he wasn’t lying in his praise, but that was a conversation for after they’d beaten Jotaro and Noriaki. 

Okuyasu actually dressed up, with a navy shirt with a real collar and black slacks, both of his regular belts and his dark high top sneakers still in place. For himself, Josuke was wearing his favourite purple dress shirt with the golden tie his nephew Geroge had gotten him for Christmas. His hair was in it’s usual pomp, tinted purple from the last time he and Jolyne had gotten their hair dyed.

Trivia with Jonathan wasn’t too bad, if you left out how horribly they were doing. Noriaki was a champ, smiling as he smoothly answered all the questions directed towards him. Jotaro wasn’t smiling, but the look he sent Josuke was definitely smug. Okuyasu, yeah, wasn’t doing so well. When he was asked how many children George I and Mai had, he’d said none, as George was ten. 

Really, everyone else had points in round two other than Josuke and his boyfriend. Yasuho, through some translation, got a few, and Gyro had learned a few things from living with Johnny. Even Hermes had gotten two in the few minutes she’d been there, and it was making Josuke nervous. He didn’t have the money to pay Jotaro back, let alone pay for Tonio’s. 

Ten minutes in, Giorno and Mista arrived, the blond holding the taller boy’s arm as they greeted the family. Mista looked scared out of his mind, eyes glancing between the Joestars nervously. Giorno, for his part, had a peaceful smile on his face, and when the pair sat down on one of the couches, he leaned his head against his boyfriend’s shoulder.

By the end of trivia with Jonathan, Josuke had lost track of points. Questions had started at things as easy as ‘how many Joestars still lived in the Joestar home’ to ‘name every Higashikata’ to ‘how many bastards are in the family’. Okuyasu still looked like he was having fun, and after he had gotten one right, he’d proudly pressed a kiss to Josuke’s cheek, who’d given him one right back. Eventually, Erina came in to break it up, telling them proudly that dinner was ready.

Dinner itself was delicious. Udon, shepherd’s pie, and caprese salad dishes were served as mains, the salad mainly for Hermes, a vegetarian. Sushi, lasagna, and bruschetta ciabatta, and a number of non-alcoholic drinks spread around. It was actually pretty civil, and Josuke was enjoying sharing food with his boyfriend and family.

“Attention!” Joseph banged his knife on his wine class, which was filled with strawberry Fruitopia, until it shattered onto the table and his plate. “Oop. We’ll deal with that later. Anyways, I was thinking about doing a little game as we eat!”

Oh dear god, it was impersonation time. Josuke nervously looked around the table, and only managed to make eye contact with cousin Josuke. He didn’t look as nervous, but he did offer him a small smile. 

Joseph, still dressed as Dio, grinned his most mischievous grin. “Every guest here, I would love to see your impression of your significant JoJo, huh? Hmm, let’s see. Okuyasu! Why don’t you go first?”

Oh jeez, this probably meant they were in last place. Okuyasu grinned, wiping his face roughly with his napkin. He cleared his throat, stood up, and stuck his butt out. “Hi, I’m Josuke Joestar, and I put the ass in late assignment! What was that? Debt? Doesn’t exist if you ignore it! What was that? My hair is stupid? Well you won’t be able to see straight in a minute, teehee!”

Josuke buried his face in his hands, cheeks hotter than the sun. People around the table cheered, and Okuyasu through an arm around him as he took his seat again. Josuke loved Okuyasu, but he couldn’t recover from hearing his boyfriend say he put the ass in late assignment.

Chapter Text

Jotaro was having a decent time. He and Kakyoin had done this as a pair for four years now, having won twice. The redhead was not aware of this, as it was stated in the rules that participants could not be aware of the competition. It really didn’t matter, since Kakyoin always did rather well. Jotaro had no doubt that his boyfriend could complete their hat trick that evening.

They were on the third challenge out of five, the impersonations. Jotaro had no clue how they were being judged, but knowing Joseph, it was probably less about accuracy and more about being made fun of. Okuyasu probably gained some points, then, and Jotaro had to admit that it was funny to watch Jonathan react to that show.

Gyro had done a fabulous job of highlighting Johnny’s assholelery, and Yasuho had informed them through hers that she had seen Josuke naked, if her comment on his extra testicles was anything to go by. Hermes had somehow made hers sound like one big innuendo, raising her voice and throwing salty comments around while making enough eye contact with a blushing Jolyne for everyone else at the table to feel heavily uncomfortable.

Mista, next up, looked like he wanted to politely decline, but a nudge and a soft smile from the youngest Joestar at the table had him standing, one leg on his chair, his right hand placed over his heart. “I, Giorno Giovanna-Joestar, have a dream, one that I know is just. As your Vice President of Student Council, I will do all in my power to protect the student body from harm within itself.”

The highschoolers at the table burst out laughing, and even Giorno himself laughed a little before kissing his boyfriend’s cheek. Jolyne shrieked, banging her fist against the table. “You memorized his acceptance speech!”

“Word for word!” Mista grinned, pulling the blond into his side. Jotaro nodded, humming. That wasn’t half bad. Then, his heart stopped. It was their turn.

Kakyoin turned to face him, winking before going out to the foyer. No one said anything at the table, and Jotaro really wished he hadn’t taken his hat off when he came in. Wait.

Noriaki lumbered into the room, Jotaro’s hat placed low on his head and one of his jackets draped over him, large enough that it looked like a blanket. “Yare yare daze.”

A few people snorted, and Jotaro felt his face grow red. Kakyoin pulled his hat down, sighing heavily. “Dolphins are the most intelligent sea creatures, and I like them more than I like my own family.”

Joseph howled with laughter, and Kakyoin broke character as he started laughing too. He removed his hat, grinning as he threw his body over Jotaro’s. They better have gotten a ton of points for that one, otherwise Kakyoin was going to have to find his own way back to Florida.

After impressions, they finished dinner, and Erina moved to serve desserts. Jonathan followed her to the kitchen, looking like a puppy eager to help. Tiramisu and coffee, a nice way to end the dinner portion. It was rather quick, and Jotaro dreaded what was coming next. Pose points.

Pose points was silly and pointless, so everything Jotaro hated. They pretended that it was photos, to show off everyone’s outfits, but really it was to see who could pose the best. And by best, he meant goofiest. Kakyoin hadn’t done so hot last year, as he had done as Jotaro wished and taken a normal photo. Not this year. He had to beat Josuke.

“We’re first for photos.” Jotaro grunted, pulling his boyfriend to stand in front of the fireplace. “Go ham.”

Noriaki looked surprised, before grinning. He loved this kind of thing, making something fun and memorable. Of course, Jotaro was happy with his outfit, most of all. Kakyoin looked good in green, a pressed shirt in a dark shade, with matching pants. His tie had little cherries on it, just like his signature earrings. Jotaro was in all black, a turtleneck and slacks. The shorter man maneuvered him around, bending his knees and pushing his chest back. 

Noriaki’s chosen pose, apparently, was Jotaro doing a wall sit, arms crossed over his chest as Noriaki sat on his knees, one arm thrown around his neck, the other held out to the side. It was a little uncomfortable, but Jotaro felt that the smile on his boyfriend’s face made up for the ache in his thighs.

Chapter Text

January 1 2020, 7:23 pm

 

Giorno was enjoying the night. Mista had been very nervous at first, but it seemed that he relaxed as time wore on. His fedora, which replaced his usual hat, sat on his dark curls neatly, black like the stripes on his usual pants. His sweater covered his entire abdomen, both a blessing and a curse, dark blue squares with lighter lines and black accents. He’d worn pants that weren’t animal print, probably his sole pair, a soft charcoal with accented Giorno’s favourite points. He looked nice.

Giorno, for his part, paired his black suit with a blue shirt to cover the part of his chest that normally was out in the open. 

Pose points was coming to an end, the pair smiling wide as the camera flashed. Guido was posed like he was going to shoot a pistol, Giorno’s arm wrapped around his shooting arm, the other on his waist, fingers dipping closer to his waistline. Once Erina gave them the all clear, they took their spot back on the couch. Giorno made sure to curl up close to his boyfriend, kissing his cheek as a prize of his own for a good job over the whole evening.

A ringtone went off, and Jonathan grimaced as he checked his phone. “Oh, wow, it’s cousin Joshu! What a surprise, he wants a video chat!”

Giorno’s stomach dropped, a feeling of dread filling him. He held onto Mista tighter, tucking his face into his shoulder. He’d met cousin Joshu once, at a family reunion back when he was still a kid and his dad actually pretended to care about him by visiting. That week had scarred him, maybe for life even. Joshu had mistaken him for a girl, and even knowing they were related, he spent the whole day making creepy comments to both him and Jolyne. Giorno was not looking forward to a repeat of that day.

“Decline it!” Gyro shouted. He was probably the only non-Joestar who’d met him, so his reaction made sense.

“No, he’s family!” Joseph tried to be convincing, but it was plainly obvious that he didn’t want this. “And it’s too late, Jonathan already accepted the call! Go on, Jon, pass him around!”

The phone was passed around, and Giorno shuddered as he thought about what would happen when it finally came to them. Guido squeezed his shoulder, probably thinking he was cold. He was sweet, but sometimes he was as dumb as Narancia.

“Okay, bye, Joshu!” Jolyne shouted, fuming as she threw the phone to Jotaro. Their cousin probably made a comment to Hermes, if Giorno had to guess. Jolyne’s girlfriend looked fairly uncomfortable, conflicted and just overall grossed out. The usual reaction to cousin Joshu.

“Your turn.” Jotaro grunted, shoving the phone into Giorno’s chest. Show time.

“Cousin Joshu.” Giorno greeted, trying to seem civil. Joseph was watching, afterall. “Nice to see you again. This is Mista, my boyfriend. Mista, my cousin Joshu.”

“Another gay?” Joshu sighed, throwing his head back. “Something’s wrong with your side of the family, none of you appreciate the true glory of women.”

Guido looked more than uncomfortable, but he still spoke. “I don’t know about women, but Giorno’s pretty glorious himself. Nice bangs, though.”

Giorno had to stop himself from laughing as Joshu bragged about doing his own hair and how salons and barbers were a scam. Guido gave him another squeeze, that mischievous glint in his eye. There was a high chance that once this was over and Giorno had snuck out to meet him in his car that they would make fun of that awful hair for hours.

Giorno quickly tossed the phone to cousin Josuke as soon as he barked out a farewell to his cousin, letting out his laugher into the collar of Guido’s sweater. The taller teen’s laugher rumbled into his hair, Yasuho’s disgusted comments only making it harder for the teens to breathe.

Jonathan wrapped it up quickly after the call, trying to send everyone either home or up to their rooms so the scores could be tallied. Giorno had walked Guido out to his car, which the taller boy was leaning against, arms crossed. “How’d I do?”

Giorno smiled at him, trying to quell the nervous energy he felt radiating from his boyfriend, “Guido, they love you, you have nothing to worry about. They liked you before, and they’ll like you even if you break my heart. You did wonderfully.”

He gave him a tight hug, separating with a quick kiss and a promise to see him later. Giorno’s first JoJo dinner was a success.

Chapter Text

HoHo JoJos

Jan 2 2020,12:45 pm

 

Shining Homosexual: Who won

 

Head Judge: ask nicely

 

Shining Homosexual: Do i owe jotaro money or not dammit

 

Jomom: Josuke! Don’t talk to your brother like that!

 

Head Judge: yeah josuke

 

Jomom: Joseph, you’re an adult, act your age.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: just post the scores, please

 

Jodad: Thank you for using your manners, Jolyne.

 

Jodad: Joseph, tell them the scores.

 

Head Judge: fine fine

 

Head Judge: in last place and officially the worst iis gyro

 

Spin Cycle: Not again

 

Jomom: He lost a lot of points for being rude to Joshu, Johnny.

 

Jodad: You got lots of Pose Points, but his impersonation was not what we were expecting.

 

Head Judge: he also insulted my outfit and sent photos to diego

 

Head Judge: hes rude

 

Spin Cycle: Yeah, duh

 

Spin Cycle: Thats why i love him

 

Head Judge: placing fifth overall was yasuho

 

Civil Jojo: Oh dear, I thought we did rather well?

 

Jomom: Well, she did rather well in all the events!

 

Head Judge: her impersonation was disturbing

 

Head Judge: i didnt need to know that shes seen ur balls

 

Civil Jojo: Ah, I see.

 

Civil Jojo: I’m sorry.

 

Head Judge: next was a tie for third

 

Jodad: Both Okuyasu and Noriaki did really well!

 

Jodad: Okuyasu just didn’t know any of our trivia and Noriaki failed Joseph’s challenge.

 

Joot: …

 

Shining Homosexual: What we gonna do now

 

Joot: Wrestle. Basement, now.

 

Shining Homosexual: Deal

 

Jomom: Don’t hurt each other, and please don’t break anything!

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: wait does that mean

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Joseph who won

 

Head Judge: Mista

 

GioGio: i see

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: yes, silver

 

Jodad: Congratulations, you two!

 

Jomom: Now we don’t have to worry about this for another year.

 

Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Rat

 

Rat: 2020 is the year of the rat

 

GioGio: and how did you figure this one out

 

Rat: tik tok

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: are you finally admitting that you have a drag account on tik tok

 

Shining Homosexual: He has a what

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Joseph does drag on tik tok

 

Rat: to promote business

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: you have like a patreon too

 

Spin Cycle: This is gold

 

Rat: how would you know

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Weather found it last month

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: sent me the video where you harass Caesar

 

Rat: i meant the patreon

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: he bought in to the top tier

 

Rat: dammit

 

Spin Cycle: Jolyne you have to introduce me to this weather guy

 

Civil Jojo: Is he the criminal?

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: naw thats Annasui, whos also a stalker

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Weathers the tall one who was held back a year

 

Jodad: Jolyne, once again, I beg you to please stop being around Annasui.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: its fine

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Weather would kill him if he did anything

 

Spin Cycle: Arent you also friends with a child

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Emporio?

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: i mean hes not a child, hes 11

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: its more like we babysit him as a group for free

 

Shining Homosexual: Your friends are weird just admit it

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: like youre one to talk

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: dont you hang out with that artist who eats bugs

 

Shining Homosexual: Rohan ate one bug once and i do not choose to hang out with him

 

Shining Homosexual: Koichi invites him everywhere

 

GioGio: what about mikitaka

 

Shining Homosexual: Okay well oku and i think hes an alien and were waiting for him to slip up

 

Joot: Yukako.

 

Shining Homosexual: Again its koichi

 

Shining Homosexual: Theyre dating

 

Rat: didnt she kidnap him

 

Shining Homosexual: Misunderstanding

 

Spin Cycle: I heard she set someone on fire last year

 

Shining Homosexual: Misunderstanding

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: how

 

Shining Homosexual: Just is

 

GioGio: i saw it happen, and that is not true

 

Shining Homosexual: Yeah well what about your friends

 

GioGio: what about them?

 

Jomom: Well, Giorno, no offense to your friends.

 

Rat: full offense theyre weird

 

Spin Cycle: What was up with those sweaters you were wearing at the party

 

Spin Cycle: Why were their goblins

 

GioGio: Guido says that they’re his hamsters

 

Civil Jojo: He has hamsters?

 

GioGio: his parents breed hamsters for a living in their basement, and they accidentally got six mixed breeds a while back so they let Guido keep them

 

Rat: hol up

 

Rat: they breed hamsters

 

GioGio: yeah?

 

GioGio: and you do drag on tik tok, your point?

 

Rat: lets not go back to that

 

Shining Homosexual: So i owe jotaro money

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: you seriously thought you could beat Jotaro

 

Shining Homosexual: I am boo boo the fool

 

Jotaro Joestar changed Josuke Joestar’s nickname to Biggest Loser

 

Joot: It will stay until you pay.

 

Biggest Loser: But i also owe rohan

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: bruh its been months

 

Biggest Loser: Your point

 

Jomom: Josuke, you should be more responsible with your money!

 

Jodad: Why do you owe Rohan money?

 

Biggest Loser: I may have technically cheated at dice and when he tried to forfeit i ran off with his money

 

GioGio: how do you technically cheat

 

Biggest Loser: It wasnt me doing the cheating

 

Biggest Loser: Mikitaka has these weird rigged dice that you can’t tell the difference from real dice

 

Jomom: Josuke, I really shouldn’t have to explain to you why cheating is wrong.

 

Jomom: You understand that, right?

 

Biggest Loser: Yeah im almost 18

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: fuck dont remind me

 

Jomom: Don’t worry, you’ll always be my little siblings!

 

Jodad: You’re still children in my eyes, and I have a ten-year-old.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: ouch Erina

 

GioGio: get rekt

 

Biggest Loser: Who is teaching you these

 

GioGio: wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy?

 

Biggest Loser: Yeah i would like to know thats why i asked

 

GioGio: Narancia

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: understandable

 

-

 

Passione Secret Conference Room

Jan 2 2020, 6:17 pm

 

Shortcake: giorno why r ur brother n sister yelling at me

 

Mother’s Favourite: It’s probably his fault

 

It’s Not Delivery: they don’t like that you’re teaching me memes

 

Mother’s Favourite: I was right

 

Una Due Trish: technically its Narancias fault

 

Una Due Trish: he taught him the memes

 

Shortcake: trish :(

 

Shortcake: u should b on my side :(

 

Una Due Trish: no u

 

Shortcake: >:(

 

Strawberry: If you don’t like it stop teaching Gio memes

 

Shortcake: not u 2!!!!!11!!

Chapter Text

HoHo JoJos

January 16 2020, 9:12 am

 

Jomom: Happy birthday, Josuke and Jolyne!

 

Jodad: Happy eighteenth, you two! I hope your day is as wonderful as can be!

 

Biggest Loser: Its too early >:(

 

GioGio: you’re already awake

 

GioGio: and in class

 

Biggest Loser: Still too early

 

Spin Cycle: Happy birthday dingus

 

Spin Cycle: And Jolyne

 

Biggest Loser: Whats with this hate

 

Biggest Loser: Be nice its my birthday

 

Spin Cycle: That sign cant stop me because i cant read

 

Civil Jojo: Wow, the twins are adults now!

 

Civil Jojo: I hope your birthday is wonderful!

 

Biggest Loser: Thank you cousin josuke

 

Civil Jojo: You’re welcome, Josuke

 

Jodad: Do you two have plans for tonight? Should I prepare the birthday dinner for tonight or tomorrow?

 

Biggest Loser: Tomorrow please

 

Biggest Loser: Gang is taking me out tonight

 

Jodad: Jolyne?

 

Jomom: Where’s Jolyne?

 

GioGio: she has a spare period second, that she shares with Hermes

 

GioGio: she may not be online for a bit

 

Joot: Happy birthday.

 

Joot: Happy birthday, Josuke! Jolyne! - Noriaki

 

Biggest Loser: Thanks nori

 

Biggest Loser: Why cant we just add him to the chat already

 

Jomom: While I also consider Noriaki family, he isn’t a Joestar, so he can’t be added.

 

Spin Cycle: If someone is engaged does that count

 

Jomom: I guess so?

 

Johnny Joestar added Gyro Zeppeli to HoHo JoJos

 

Biggest Loser: !!

 

Jodad: Congrats!

 

Gyro Zeppeli: So it is real

 

Spin Cycle: Why would i lie about this

 

GioGio: you lie about so much else

 

Spin Cycle: Giorno its been like 15 years im sorry

 

GioGio: only god can forgive your sins, and i’ve just killed him

 

Gyro Zeppeli: Oh jeez

 

Gyro Zeppeli: He is just like Diego

 

Rat: whys the pizza boy here

 

Joot: Read, dumbass.

 

Rat: im jared 19

 

Joot: Then perish.

 

Rat: thanks obama

 

Joseph Joestar changed Gyro Zeppeli’s nickname to Pizza Cowboy

 

Rat: no regular names in my good christian minecraft server

 

Jomom: When did you two get engaged?

 

Spin Cycle: He proposed back in november

 

Rat: bruh moment

 

Pizza Cowboy: You didnt tell them

 

Spin Cycle: Why would i

 

Biggest Loser: Wow thank you cousin johnny

 

Biggest Loser: Whens the wedding so i know when to be busy

 

Spin Cycle: The 39th of Nunya

 

Pizza Cowboy: May

 

Rat: inch resting

 

Pizza Cowboy: Are you the one that taught that to Caesar

 

Rat: mayhaps

 

Pizza Cowboy: Thank you

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: whats new sluts

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: fuck wrong chat

 

Jomom: Who are you talking to like that?

 

-

 

Free the Stones

January 16 2020, 10:21 am

 

No: whats new sluts

 

Marry Me Jolyne: Jolyne please meet me on the roof

 

No: <-

 

Goddess: Annasui, back the fuck off

 

Marry Me Jolyne: She will be mine, Hermes

 

No: <-

 

Marry Me Jolyne: You’ll all see

 

Channel 7: happy birthday

 

No: thank you Weather

 

Our King: Happy Birthday!

 

Our King: Any plans?

 

Goddess: We’re doing something special tonight

 

No: she wont tell me

 

Goddess: That’s how surprises work

 

Kung Foo: Jolyne I got a gift for you

 

Kung Foo: Annasui was found on the roof by Principle Zeppeli

 

Kung Foo: He’s suspended

 

No: best

 

No: day

 

No: ever

 

-

 

Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Body Pillow

January 16 2020, 12:43 pm

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Baby

 

Baby: just a warning

 

Baby: my gift to the both of you has two parts

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: sketchy

 

Baby: hush

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: no u

 

Baby: first part you get at dinner tomorrow

 

Baby: second part is redeemable any time

 

Gay Heaven Now: Whats that

 

Baby: i’ll cover for each of you once, free of charge

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: aw thanks Gio

 

Gay Heaven Now: Can i use it tonight

 

Gay Heaven Now: Oku’s place is being fumed and his dads at a motel

 

Baby: yeah, okay

 

Baby: is he coming in

 

Gay Heaven Now: Ye

 

-

 

HoHo JoJos

January 16 2020, 3:12 pm

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Why is the chat name still Crimus

 

Rat: if u dont like it change it urself

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: no

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: im an adult now im gonna make a kid do it

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Giorno

 

GioGio: on it

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed the chat name to Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: much better thank you Giorno

 

Rat: i want to complain

 

Rat: but i feel like i cant

 

Joot: That's because you are an idiot.

 

Rat: fuck u

 

Joot: That would be incest, idiot.

 

Biggest Loser: Damn jotaro

 

Joot: Shut it, thief.

 

Biggest Loser: You cant say that to me its my birthday

 

Joot: I can do what I want, thief.

 

Biggest Loser: Jonathan hes being mean again

 

Jomom: Jotaro, I thought we went over this?

 

Joot: This is Nori! He’s all grumpy cause his favourite lecture got cancelled today, I’m taking his phone rights until further notice!

 

Biggest Loser: Lmao baby

 

Jotaro Joestar changed Josuke Joestar’s nickname to Broke

 

Joot: Watch it, punk.

 

Spin Cycle: Get him kak

 

Pizza Cowboy: Johnny, you’re supposed to be with the trainees

 

Spin Cycle: They didn’t show up

 

Pizza Cowboy: If I ask Diego will he say the same thing

 

Spin Cycle: …

 

Spin Cycle: Fine

 

Spin Cycle: Goodbye relatives

 

Pizza Cowboy: Sorry Joestars, we just got a bunch of new ranch hands and he’s gotta train em in while I’m at work

 

GioGio: that’s right, you’re a doctor

 

Rat: remind me never to get sick

 

Jodad: You broke four ribs on Christmas in front of a ten year old.

 

Rat: injured and sick r not the same thing

 

Civil Jojo: I’m so sorry our sled did that to you

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: dont apologize it was the highlight of my holiday

 

GioGio: it made my day

 

Rat: wait gio did u ever open the gift from dio

 

GioGio: yes.

 

Broke: You have to tell us now

 

Jomom: Giorno, you don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to.

 

GioGio: no, i’m calling him out

 

GioGio: it was a weird nude photo of him with a santa hat photoshopped on, with a gift card to McDonald’s

 

Jodad: Are you serious?

 

GioGio: i forgot one part

 

GioGio: he addressed it to a ‘Haruno Shiobana’

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: rip bro

 

Jomom: Oh dear, Giorno, I am so sorry.

 

GioGio: don’t be

 

GioGio: i will use these to bring about his end

 

Jomom: Should I be worried?

 

Rat: a world without dio is a better 1

 

Rat: so no

Chapter Text

Why Does Jotaro Have a Dolphin Bodypillow

January 19 2020, 9:14 am

 

Gay Heaven Now: Are yall on stand yet

 

Baby: you woke me up

 

Gay Heaven Now: Not important

 

Gay Heaven Now: Are yall on stand yet

 

Baby: the fuck is that

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: ye

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: its an online game Gio

 

Baby: i’m listening

 

Gay Heaven Now: You fight people using a character it generates for you

 

Gay Heaven Now: Or you can just run around and fuck around

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: you have to fill out a long ass personal survey

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: and your character is generated based on your answers

 

Gay Heaven Now: Anyways i asked because koichi just signed up

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: whats his stand

 

Gay Heaven Now: Its name is echoes and its an egg

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: ouch lmao

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: whats your stand Josuke

 

Gay Heaven Now: Its named crazy diamond and i punch and heal shit

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: damn you got a healer

 

Gay Heaven Now: Yeah

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: mines Stone Free

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: i can punch stuff, but i can also unwind into string

 

Gay Heaven Now: Kinky

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: Josuke ima beat your ass

 

Baby: done.

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: bruh how

 

Gay Heaven Now: Yeah it took me like an hour

 

Baby: i can read

 

Baby: i got Gold Experience, if i punch something it is given life

 

Baby: it says i have a healer bar but i don’t know how to do that yet

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: wild

 

Gay Heaven Now: Damn why yalls so complex

 

Baby: why does Koichi have an egg

 

Gay Heaven Now: Egg boy

 

-

 

Passione Secret Conference Room

January 19 2020, 11:29 am

 

Mother: Good morning, everyone.

 

Mother’s Favourite: Good morning, Bruno.

 

MISTAke: that was fast ;)

 

Mother: We live together, you know this

 

Mother’s Favourite: Fuck off slur

 

MISTAke: uno reverse card

 

Una Due Trish: I sense tea

 

Mother: Just business as usual, Trish

 

Una Due Trish: Dammit

 

Strawberry: Trish, when does anything interesting happen in here without Nara or Giorno?

 

MISTAke: nara ;)

 

Strawberry: Someone sure does want a fork in their face

 

MISTAke: kinky ;)

 

Strawberry: Stop being horny on main

 

Una Due Trish: Giorno come get your stinky horny mutt

 

MISTAke: what have i ever done 2 u trish

 

Una Due Trish: Exist

 

It’s Not Delivery: you’re spending too much time with Narancia and Fugo

 

Strawberry: Not possible

 

It’s Not Delivery: alright then

 

Shortcake: why ae yall up so earky its a weekned

 

Mother: I’m making lunch

 

Mother: Authentic pizza, Tonio’s style

 

Shortcake: i will b downstair s in two seonds

 

Strawberry: Please don’t so the thing

 

Mother: He did the thing.

 

It’s Not Delivery: the thing?

 

Strawberry: Threw himself down the stairs

 

Shortcake: nothings broken

 

Strawberry: My faith is

 

Mother: Mista, Trish, Giorno, you are all invited to join us for lunch

 

Mother: We have some council things to discuss.

 

Mother’s Favourite: Giovanna if you step anywhere near my house I will kill you

 

It’s Not Delivery: strong words coming from a bottom.

 

It’s Not Delivery: Guido, pick me up?

 

Shortcake: HOLY SHIT

 

Shortcake: ABBA RU A BOTTOM

 

Mother’s Favourite: No.

 

Mother: Yes

 

Strawberry: I-

 

Guido Mista changed Leone Abbacchio’s nickname to Mother’s Bottom

 

MISTAke: thank you bucci for confirming my theory

 

Una Due Trish: Wait, are mom and dad dating

 

Mother’s Bottom: None of your goddamn business

 

Mother: He asked me out at our first school dance

 

Una Due Trish: That’s so adorable

 

Strawberry: I didn’t know Abba was capable of feeling things for other people

 

Mother’s Bottom: Shut the fuck up or you’re out of the house

 

Mother: Fugo, you don’t need to move out unless you want to

 

Strawberry: Thank you, mom

 

Una Due Trish: Sorry fellas can’t make it today

 

Una Due Trish: Diavolo will not let me leave

 

Shortcake: ur dads a little bitch

 

Una Due Trish: Which one

 

Strawberry: Vinegar isn’t horrible compared to Diavolo

 

Una Due Trish: Yeah but he’s the one actually giving drugs to his students

 

Una Due Trish: Diavolo just gets them

 

Mother: I’m sad to hear that, Trish

 

Mother: Giorno, can you summarize our discussions for Trish here?

 

It’s Not Delivery: of course, Bucciarati

 

It’s Not Delivery: Guido and I will be there in ten minutes

 

Strawberry: You live three minutes away?

 

It’s Not Delivery: yes

 

-

 

January 19 2020, 1:12 pm

 

It’s Not Delivery: Trish

 

It’s Not Delivery: we’ve decided to host a dance for st valentines

 

Una Due Trish: Sweet

 

It’s Not Delivery: Bucciarati and i will have to book a spirit event to announce it, Fugo and Abbacchio are planning pricing and looking for vendors, and Guido and Narancia are ‘putting it on blast’

 

Una Due Trish: What do i get to do

 

It’s Not Delivery: theming, general decoration planning

 

Una Due Trish: A dream come true

 

Mother: I can speak with you in more detail during lunch tomorrow, Trish

 

Una Due Trish: Thank you mom

 

Strawberry: In other news

 

Strawberry: Narancia is no longer allowed to drink soda

 

Shortcake: panni nooooo

 

Mother’s Bottom: This house will no longer carry soda.

 

Una Due Trish: What did he do now

 

MISTAke: what he usually does

 

Shortcake: it wonthappen again guys please

 

Strawberry: He drank a bunch and started acting like the little shit he is

 

Mother’s Bottom: He smashed my audio player trying to listen to sliced ham.

 

Shortcake: i just thot he had a lot 2 say

 

Una Due Trish: Okay but he does shit like that without soda

 

Mother: We are hoping that by removing a treat from the house that he will work on his behaviour

 

It’s Not Delivery: we did something similar to my brother Joseph a few years ago

 

Strawberry: Did it work?

 

It’s Not Delivery: no.

 

Shortcake: does that mean i can get my soda back

 

Mother’s Bottom: Not until you pay for a new audio player you little crotch goblin

 

Guido Mista changed Narancia Ghirga’s nickname to Crotch Goblin

 

Crotch Goblin: nooo

 

Crotch Goblin: now panni has no one to match with

 

Strawberry: We were matching?

 

Crotch Goblin: you

 

Crotch Goblin: you never saw strawberry shortcake

 

Strawberry: Who’s that bitch

 

Una Due Trish: DISOWNED

 

Crotch Goblin: SHES ONLY THE GREATEST CHARACTER TO EVER EXIST IN ANY FORM OF MEDIA EVER

 

MISTAke: fugo im embarrassed to know you

 

It’s Not Delivery: even i have watched Strawberry Shortcake

 

Strawberry: I wasn’t allowed to watch TV as a kid

 

Strawberry: There’s a lot I haven’t seen

 

Crotch Goblin: thats it

 

Crotch Goblin: final straw

 

Crotch Goblin: mother and trish

 

Crotch Goblin: can the dance theme include childrens shows

 

Una Due Trish: No wtf

 

Una Due Trish: That’s more of a spirit day thing

 

Mother: I’ll bring it up as a suggestion as a spirit day theme at the next meeting

 

Crotch Goblin: good enough

 

Crotch Goblin: panni were watching strawberry shortcake right now

 

Strawberry: Uh sure?

 

MISTAke: can gio and i join?

 

Crotch Goblin: only if yall do a snack run

 

It’s Not Delivery: of course

 

Mother: No soda.

 

Crotch Goblin: ;-;

Chapter Text

Jonthan’s Circus of Idiots

January 21 2020, 3:14 pm

 

Broke: Okay so whos on stand here

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: youre obsessed Josuke

 

Broke: Like you arent

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: touche

 

Rat: i am

 

Rat: caesar and suzi wouldnt make accounts so i had to join jotaros team

 

Joot: His stand is useless.

 

Rat: how dare you hermit purple is the perfect stand

 

Rat: so much better than star platinum

 

Joot: You haven’t won a single fight on your own.

 

Rat: false

 

Rat: i beat empress and bastet

 

Joot: Avdol helped you beat bastet.

 

GioGio: wow y’all’re going off

 

Spin Cycle: Giorno please stop it hurts

 

GioGio: y’all’re just weak

 

Pizza Cowboy: I’m having a stroke

 

Broke: Quick someone get a doctor

 

Spin Cycle: He is a doctor

 

Broke: Oh fuck

 

Jodad: Language

 

Broke: Oh phoque

 

Joot: Stop asking Polnareff for French words that sound like swears.

 

Broke: No thank you sir

 

Broke: Anywho

 

Broke: For yall on stand have you encountered the world yet

 

Joot: Polnareff and Kakyoin both lost to him last night.

 

Pizza Cowboy: He pushed me off my horse in the overworld this morning

 

Spin Cycle: That bitch stole my horse

 

Spin Cycle: It took me days to breed one that looked like Slow Dancer

 

GioGio: he broke into my house and challenged Guido to a fight

 

GioGio: he then left a gift box with a screenshot of him beating the Sex Pistols

 

Broke: Youchie

 

Broke: Yeah so thats dio

 

GioGio: what the fuck

 

GioGio: im going to destroy him

 

Rat: how do u know

 

Broke: Its on his private snapchat

 

Broke: Wait are yall not on his private snap

 

GioGio: he has snap?

 

Broke: Oh fuck oh shit

 

Jodad: Giorno, are you okay?

 

GioGio: give me a moment, please.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: good going dingus

 

Broke: Fuck you hoelyne

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: i wear this name with pride fuck you

 

Jomom: Guys, please don’t fight!

 

Joot: Too late.

 

Jodad: Yeah, sorry honey, but they’re actually fighting in the living room.

 

Jomom: Oh dear, I’ll go break it up.

 

Pizza Cowboy: Johnny you were right they do be wildin

 

Spin Cycle: Stop assuming im always lying

 

GioGio: i have returned.

 

GioGio: my friends and i have made it our number two priority to get the world banned from STAND

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: whats number 1

 

GioGio: school dance

 

Broke: Shit we having another one

 

GioGio: yes, for st valentine’s day

 

Rat: i remember school dances

 

Joot: At your last one you got arrested.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: what he do

 

Joot: Crawled through the vents with a bag of watery oatmeal.

 

Joot: Police thought he was trying to steal it from the cafeteria.

 

Broke: Who would steal from the cafeteria

 

Broke: Everyone avoids eating there

 

Joot: They said they assumed based on his appearance that he was in desperate need.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: bruh they thought he was homeless

 

Rat: to be fair i was wearing a crop top in february

 

GioGio: why

 

Rat: wanted to pick up girls

 

GioGio: why

 

Rat: i like girls?

 

Spin Cycle: You sure dont act like it

 

Rat: what how

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Caesar

 

GioGio: Caesar

 

Joot: Caesar

 

Broke: Caesar

 

Pizza Cowboy: Caesar

 

Spin Cycle: Caesar

 

Rat: were just friends guys

 

Jodad: So were Jotaro and Noriaki.

 

GioGio: she’s got you there

 

Rat: look i dont like caesar

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: if you say so

 

Rat: i do

 

Civil Jojo: Wait, I thought you were dating that Suzi girl?

 

Rat: what

 

Broke: Oh yeah

 

Broke: You were like highkey flirting with her the entire time you were here

 

Rat: im not dating suzi

 

Jomom: Wait a minute here guys.

 

Jomom: Joseph, your room only has one bed here.

 

Jodad: There were three of you in that room, where did you all sleep?

 

Rat: whoops a customer has arrived bye bye

 

GioGio: the Joestar secret technique…

 

-

 

January 21 2020, 7:31 pm

 

Jomom: We may have a bit of an issue, guys.

 

Broke: Uh oh spaghettio

 

Pizza Cowboy: You are my least favourite

 

Rat: dammit josuke whyd u steal my title

 

Broke: Bruh why would i want to

 

Jomom: We can’t get off topic!

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: but its the joestar secret technique

 

Rat: naw thats running away

 

GioGio: we’re still avoiding something in the end either way

 

Jomom: GUYS.

 

Spin Cycle: Oh shit he yelled at us

 

Jomom: This is important, please.

 

Rat: sorry jon go ahead

 

Jomom: Thank you, Joseph.

 

Jomom: There’s a man at the door who claims he’s dad’s kid and wants financial compensation

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: this happens all the time tell him to fuck off

 

Jodad: Language.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: tell him to go away

 

Jomom: He said he’s willing to do a DNA test.

 

Broke: Oh shit

 

Rat: we might have a secret brother

 

Spin Cycle: Another bastard like Joseph

 

Rat: fuck off you kinky fuck

 

Spin Cycle: Again, where the hell are you guys getting this from

 

GioGio: Jonathan, what is the name of this man?

 

Jomom: Well, first of all, he’s more like a teenager.

 

Jomom: Weird blonde hair, kinda dressed like a Nascar driver?

 

GioGio: blond?

 

Jodad: George I wasn’t blond

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: ask him if his moms blond jon

 

Jomom: …

 

Jomom: Um so there was a slight misunderstanding and the situation is somehow worse than the original.

 

Broke: What can be worse than another of dads bastard kids

 

Jomom: He’s Giorno’s brother, Dio’s his father.

 

Spin Cycle: Holy shit

 

Rat: OH MY GOD

 

Rat: THERES ANOTHER

 

GioGio: i’m coming down to meet you at the door.

 

Jodad: Oh dear.

 

Broke: Dio really did fuck huh

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: shut the fuck up thats our ‘brother’ you ass crack

 

Broke: Meet me in the pit bitch

 

Jomom: So he’s not the only one.

 

Jomom: In total, Dio has four sons. Donatello, this boy here, and two others live in Florida.

 

Spin Cycle: So dio has no standard

 

GioGio: my brothers and i will be meeting this weekend to get in contact with Dio.

 

GioGio: Jonathan, do you know if he’s still in town?

 

Jomom: He’s staying at his place, yes.

 

GioGio: please give me the address.

 

Broke: Welp

 

Civil Jojo: Things sure are wild in America.

Chapter Text

Passione Secret Conference Room

January 25 2020, 12:34 pm

 

MISTAke: has anyone heard from Gio in the last few days

 

MISTAke: he wasnt at school and he wont answer my texts

 

MISTAke: im worried guys

 

Mother: Mista, I’m sure he’s okay.

 

Mother: But I’m sorry to say that I haven’t heard from him either.

 

Crotch Goblin: sorry mista

 

Una Due Trish: No, sorry

 

Strawberry: Yeah, same here

 

Mother’s Bottom: I have him blocked so i wouldnt know

 

MISTAke: guys im freaking out

 

MISTAke: like the last time he did something like this was because i made him mad and i dont think i did anything to make him mad but hes not talking to yall either and im so scared that hes hurt

 

Mother: Mista, take a deep breath.

 

Mother: Giorno can handle himself just fine, Mista, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about.

 

Una Due Trish: Have you talked to his family yet

 

MISTAke: uh

 

Strawberry: Try that

 

-

 

Private channel between Guido Mista and Josuke Joestar

January 25 2020, 1:03 pm

 

Guido Mista: josuke is Giorno okay

 

Josuke Joestar: Well hello to you too

 

Guido Mista: please dude im really scared is he okay

 

Josuke Joestar: Woah bruh relax

 

Josuke Joestar: Did he not tell you

 

Guido Mista: not tell me what

 

Josuke Joestar: Its not my place to say

 

Josuke Joestar: But i can tell you that he is completely safe and will be back to normal by monday

 

Guido Mista: then why isnt he answering my texts

 

Josuke Joestar: Hes like super busy dude

 

Josuke Joestar: He hasnt answered any of us either

 

Guido Mista: i see

 

Guido Mista: well thanks man

 

Josuke Joestar: Anytime dude

 

-

 

Enrico Pucci created Chat

January 25 2020, 8:23 pm

 

Enrico Pucci added Giorno Giovanna-Joestar, Donatello Versace, and three others to Chat

 

Enrico Pucci changed the chat name to Get Along Chat

 

Dio Brando: What is this

 

Dio Brando: They just fucking left

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: how fatherly of you

 

Dio Brando: You were the one who said you never wanted to see me again

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: you gave me a fucking nude of yourself for christmas

 

Dio Brando: Yes and many would pay a fortune for that, boy, so you better appreciate it

 

Ungalo Brando: so

 

Ungalo Brando: am i gonna get that child support or

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: don’t count on it

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: he knew about me and he dropped me off at his brother’s

 

Rikiel Brando: this may be a bad time to mention it but

 

Rikiel Brando: i forgot to book us a hotel

 

Donatello Versace: You imbecile

 

Donatello Versace: Where the fuck are we going to sleep now

 

Ungalo Brando: good going dumbass

 

Enrico Pucci: Boys, come back, I’ll prepare rooms for you here.

 

Dio Brando: Like hell you will

 

Enrico Pucci: Giorno, should I prepare one for you as well?

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: no need

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: i will be returning to my family at home.

 

Ungalo Brando: wow no need to flex bruh

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: i will run back there and shove your kneecaps up your urethra

 

Ungalo Brando: id like to see you try

 

Donatello Versace: Oh jesus 

 

Donatello: He actually ran back here

 

Enrico Pucci: Boys, stop fighting please.

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: whatever, i’m going home

 

Dio Brando: Enrico I swear to god i will kick you out

 

Enrico Pucci: We all know that that’s a lie, darling

 

Ungalo Brando: im going to fucking puke

 

-

 

Private channel between Giorno Giovanna-Joestar and Guido Mista

January 25 2020, 9:04 pm

 

Buon Giorno: Guido

 

Mista Worldwide: Giorno!

 

Mista Worldwide: ive been so worried babe where have you been

 

Buon Giorno: i’m sorry that i worried you, Guido

 

Buon Giorno: that was not my intention

 

Buon Giorno: something came up with my father that i had to deal with, and it was easier to just leave everyone else out of it

 

Mista Worldwide: fuck ur father

 

Mista Worldwide: but Giorno you know you can come to me for anything judgement free

 

Buon Giorno: i know, Guido, but some things just shouldn’t be shared

 

Mista Worldwide: i care about u a lot Giorno, i want to know whats going on in your life

 

Buon Giorno: i see

 

Buon Giorno: can i come over?

 

Mista Worldwide: yeah my windows open

 

Buon Giorno: see you in a minute

 

-

 

Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots

January 25 2020, 11:48 pm

 

Jodad: Has Giorno come home yet?

 

Jomom: No, I haven’t seen him come in.

 

Jomom: Do you think he stayed at Dio’s?

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: he wouldnt do that if he was payed to

 

Joot: You worry too much Jonathan.

 

Joot: You know Dio, their little family meeting is probably taking too long.

 

Jomom: I’m worried for him, that’s all.

 

Jomom: These last few weeks have been really rough for him and all I want is for Giorno to be home, safe.

 

Jodad: Wherever he is, Jon, he’s being safe.

 

Jodad: You know Giorno, he’d never do anything to make us worry.

 

Jomom: Yeah, you’re probably right.

 

Broke: Hes at mistas

 

Broke: His boyfriend just texted me that he fell asleep while they were talking

 

Broke: Theyll pop by before school to get his stuff

 

Jodad: Thank you for telling us, Josuke.

 

Joot: See, Jonathan? You worry too much.

 

Rat: damn is the little man gonna fuck

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: we were having a nice moment

 

Rat: yeah and i ruined it

 

Rat: ur point

 

Spin Cycle: Hes now the only minor hes the only one who cant fuck

 

Joot: Joseph also cannot fuck, he has no one to fuck.

 

Rat: fuck u

 

Joot: Illegal, and frankly, disgusting.

 

Rat: ill have you know im great at it

 

Broke: Doubt

 

Rat: you cant say anything to me 

 

Rat: none of you can say otherwise cause we never fucked

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: this is kinda sad

 

Broke: Whyre you trying to defend yourself that way

 

Rat: im not wrong

 

Pizza Cowboy: Is this a genetic thing

 

Spin Cycle: Naw cause giornos like this too

 

Civil Jojo: It’s the proximity

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: jojo curse

 

Broke: Yeah its the name

 

Jodad: Please, go to bed, all of you.

 

Rat: sorry dad

Chapter Text

Free the Stones

January 28 2020, 9:18 am

 

Goddess: Y’all we’re having another school dance

 

Kung Foo: Didnt we just have one in november

 

Goddess: Yeah

 

Goddess: But this one is for Valentine’s day

 

No: Giorno mentioned it a few days ago

 

No: did the council vote in favour

 

Channel 7: They just announced it over the PA

 

Channel 7: Did you not hear it?

 

No: <-

 

No: im outside rn

 

Our King: Why are you outside? Don’t you have class?

 

Goddess: She’s always outside

 

No: no building can confine me

 

No: also Annasui sits next to me in this class so i dont wanna be in there

 

Marry Me Jolyne: This dance is the perfect chance for me to finally make Jolyne realize her destiny is to be my bride

 

No: <-

 

No: dude i like girls leave me alone

 

Marry Me Jolyne: I cannot because we are destined to be together

 

No: the only thing thats destined is for my fist to meet your face

 

Goddess: Annasui I have told you multiple times to fuck off

 

Marry Me Jolyne: And ive told you many times hermes that Jolyne will inevitably leave you for me

 

Kung Foo: ignoring him

 

Kung Foo: Y’all wanna go to this dance

 

Goddess: As a member of the council’s spirit committee, I have to

 

Goddess: I’d love to have you all there

 

Goddess: NOT ANNASUI

 

Marry Me Jolyne: Too late bitch im going

 

No: well im gonna go too just only if Annasui fucks off

 

Channel 7: I shall go to keep him in line.

 

Kung Foo: Guess Ill go too!

 

Our King: Have fun, you guys!

 

Kung Foo: You arent coming?

 

Goddess: Wouldn’t be the same without you, Emporio

 

No: ill pay for your ticket if moneys the problem dude

 

Our King: Aww thanks guys

 

Our King: Am I allowed to go?

 

No: if anyone says anything ill beat their ass

 

-

 

Kinkshame Crew

January 28 2020, 10:04 am

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: I no longer want to go to the dance

 

Smol: Why’s that, Josuke?

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Everyones least favourite english teacher is a chaperone

 

Hand It To Ya: babe we can skip

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Naw i gotta support my brother

 

Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: How are you going to get in with no money

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Youll see

 

Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: No I will not because I will not be there

 

Smol: Why not, Rohan?

 

Josuke Give Me My Fucking Money: I simply have better things to do

 

Hair: I’ll be there, Koichi

 

Smol: That’s great, Yukako!

 

&@%((@#*: :D

 

Kira’s Hand Kink: Cant wait to see you there mikitaka

 

-

 

Joseph Learns His Fucking Manners

January 28 2020, 11:57 am

 

God’s Mistake: caesar

 

God’s Mistake: suzi

 

God’s Mistake: come home immediately

 

Caesarino: What the hell

 

Caesarino: Why

 

God’s Mistake: its important

 

Caesarino: Did you set the place on fire again?

 

Mamma Mia: Joseph please I just got new drapes

 

God’s Mistake: i didnt set anything on fire

 

God’s Mistake: ive just had a revelation and we need to talk in person

 

Caesarino: Good god he’s thinking

 

Mamma Mia: We’re doomed

 

God’s Mistake: u no what nevermind

 

God’s Mistake: offer rescinded

 

Caesarino: Relax dumbass, we’re waiting for Smokey to take over the studio

 

Fire Safety: Sorry guys, traffic is really rough right now!

 

Mamma Mia: It’s okay Smokey, take your time

 

-

 

Memedust Crysaders

January 28 2020, 2:34 pm

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: BIG NEWS

 

Gamer Nation: BIG NEWS?

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: YES MON AMI BIG NEWS

 

Dolphin Lover: Shut the fuck up.

 

Dolphin Lover: You’re too fucking loud.

 

The Future Is Doomed: This is a group chat?

 

Gamer Nation: He’s hungover lmao

 

Gamer Nation: We went out drinking last night

 

Gamer Nation: And, well, let’s just say that he can’t drink as much as he thinks he can

 

Dolphin Lover: Says you.

 

Dolphin Lover: You get tipsy from the bellinis served at book club.

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: who cares

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: BIG NEWS

 

The Future Is Doomed: We adopted a dog

 

Gamer Nation: PUPPY!?

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: oui

 

Mohammed Avdol sent an image 

 

The Future Is Doomed: His name is Iggy, and he was going to be put down because he only has three legs so no one would adopt him

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: hes also ugly as fuck

 

Gamer Nation: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: uh

 

Dolphin Lover: Kakyoin really likes dogs.

 

Gamer Nation: My parents would never let me have one because my mom was allergic :(

 

The Future Is Doomed: Do you want to come meet him?

 

Gamer Nation: CAN I?!

 

Dolphin Lover: I’ll get the Marine Mobile.

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: please stop calling it that

 

Dolphin Lover: I can’t hear your ignorance over the sound of me crushing your legs beneath the Marine Mobile.

 

Gamer Nation: Maiming Pol can wait, Jotaro, there’s a dog to meet

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: is no one going to defend me and my legs

 

Dolphin Lover: They all know it’s futile.

 

Dolphin Lover: The Marine Mobile commands respect.

 

Gamer Nation: THERES NO TIME FOR THIS

 

Gamer Nation: DOG

 

Dolphin Lover: Fuck, fine, we’ll go see the dog.

 

The Future Is Doomed: See you two in a few minutes

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: i need better friends

 

Dolphin Lover: What the fuck did you just call me.

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: mon ami? Friend?

 

Dolphin Lover: Disgusting.

 

Dolphin Lover: Stop speaking surrender.

 

Gamer Nation: Surrendernrvabhv

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: i

 

It’s Spelled Croissant: fuck?

 

-

 

Get Along Chat

January 28 2020, 8:41 pm

 

Dio Brando: WHICH ONE OF YOU LITTLE FUCK SHITS TOOK MY FUCKING SHOES

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: good evening to you as well, father

 

Dio Brando: It was you, wasn’t it, you little cum stain

 

Dio Brando: IS this your way of getting back at me? Huh? Think you’re a clever little fuck?

 

Enirco Pucci: Dio!

 

Enrico Pucci: You cannot speak to him like that!

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: no, let him add more to my files

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: besides, it was Joseph, he wore them to the JoJo Dinner

 

Dio Brando: There was a JoJo dinner and I, Dio, wasn’t invited

 

Donatello Versace: What the honest fuck is happening

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: the fallout of deciding to seek out our deadbeat father for money he will never give

 

Dio Brando: Why wasn’t I invited

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: do you even need to ask

 

Ungalo Brando: i wanna know

 

Donatello Versace: Shut up it was your turn to clean our bathroom and you left it a fucking mess

 

Ungalo Brando: theres like 500 butlers here

 

Dio Brando: They are not butlers you fleck of shit

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: yeah, they’re the members of his sex cult, the same one all of our mothers were in

 

Donatello Versace: What the actual living fuck

 

Ungalo Brando: does this mean

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: not sure yet, still investigating

 

Ungal Brando: wack

 

Dio Brando: Giorno, let that rat bastard know I’m on my way to murder him and retreive my shoes.

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar: no fuck you

Chapter Text

Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots

January 31 2020, 3:12 pm

 

Jomom: Okay, who did it.

 

Broke: ??

 

Jomom: George’s hoodie has holes in it now that weren’t there last night.

 

Jodad: Which one of you made my son cry.

 

Rat: lmao he cried over a hoodie

 

Jodad: I’d shut my mouth if I were you, Tequila420.

 

Rat: okay please stop bringing up my drag account 

 

Jodad: Repent.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: wait its not just me

 

Spin Cycle: Wait do you have a drag king tik tok

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: no wtf

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: my sweatpants have been torn apart too

 

GioGio: one of my jackets as well

 

Broke: I mean my socks did seem to have more holes than whats possible

 

Jomom: So you’ve all had your clothing destroyed?

 

GioGio: yes

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: wait i hear something

 

Spin Cycle: Wait youre not deaf

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: shut the fuck up bug boy

 

Pizza Cowboy: Why does she know about that

 

Spin Cycle: Fuck i dont know

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: >:3

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: OH FUCK ITS A RAT

 

Rat: oh shit

 

Broke: Its a rat

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: SHUT THE FUCK UP THERES A FUCKING RAT IN MY ROOM

 

Jomom: Oh dear, we’ve got rats.

 

Jodad: I’ll call the exterminator.

 

Broke: So should we start packing

 

Jomom: If we go away for a week will you three miss too much in school?

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: its the start of a new semester

 

GioGio: so no

 

Jomom: Would you like to go stay with Granny and Grampy in England?

 

Broke: FUCK YEAH

 

GioGio: yes please

 

Jomom: I’ll go give them a call!

 

Jomom: Do any of you who don’t live with us like to come?

 

Joot: My classes have been postponed as my professor ran off to Russia to “avoid the draft”.

 

Joot: So Kakyoin and I would like to join you.

 

Spin Cycle: Nah fuck that shit im staying in the states

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: good

 

Spin Cycle: Wanna say that to my face bitch

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: no

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: dont wanna hurt my back leaning down

 

Broke: OH SHIT

 

Rat: yeah no im not coming either

 

GioGio: so the whole gang is going then, cool

 

Rat: pussy

 

GioGio: get out of our house, vermin

 

Rat: no fuck u

 

GioGio: you wanna fucking go rat man

 

Rat: dennys 2 am be there

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Meet Me In The Thunderdome Motherfucker

 

Meet Me In The Thunderdome Motherfucker: <-

 

Jomom: Things are all set! Everyone start packing!

 

Jomom: …

 

Jomom: Come on.

 

Broke: You expect too much from us jonathan

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: there is one sensible Joestar and its Jonathan

 

Civil Jojo: You aren’t wrong

 

Jomom: Still.

 

Jomom: Literally all of you but Giorno are adults, why are you like this?

 

Broke: Childhood trauma

 

Rat: society made me this way

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: the internet

 

Spin Cycle: No legs

 

Pizza Cowboy: What do your legs have to do with your assholery

 

Spin Cycle: If you have no legs the asshole energy has nowhere to escape

 

Jomom: Okay, well, the trip’s been booked, we leave tomorrow night. Jotaro, we booked you and Noriaki tickets with us, are you driving down to meet us?

 

Joot: Sure.

 

Jomom: I’m going to go sleep.

 

Meet Me In The Thunderdome Motherfucker: don’t let the rats bite

 

Broke: We finally did it

 

Broke: We broke jonathan

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: time to celebrate

 

-

 

Joseph Joestar created Chat

January 31 2020, 7:12 pm

 

Joseph Joestar added Suzi Q and Caesar Zeppeli to Chat

 

Joseph Joestar set chat name to Joseph Joestar Fan Club

 

Caesar Zeppeli: No

 

Caesar Zeppeli: That is not a thing

 

Caesar Zeppeli: Stop it

 

Joseph Joestar: >:3

 

Suzi Q: I do not like that face

 

Suzi Q: Looks like a little bastard

 

Caesar Zeppeli: You just described Joseph

 

Joseph Joestar: >:(

 

Joseph Joestar: why r u being mean to me

 

Caesar Zeppeli: It’s what you deserve

 

Joseph Joestar: but last night you said i needed more cuddles

 

Caesar Zeppeli: Yeah

 

Caesar Zeppeli: And?

 

Suzi Q: Why do we need a new group chat

 

Suzi Q: The other one is just fine

 

Joseph Joestar: the other one has smokey

 

Joseph Joestar: if i wanna send my man and woman a nude i dont want him to see

 

Caesar Zeppeli: Please don’t send us nudes

 

Caesar Zeppeli: No one wants that

 

Joseph Joestar: thats not what u said this morning

 

Suzi Q: Boys, stop it

 

Joseph Joestar: i just wanted a chat where i could flirt with you as much as i want

 

Joseph Joestar: since we agreed to not tell anyone

 

Suzi Q: Thank you for respecting that, Jojo

 

Joseph Joestar: ew gross

 

Joseph Joestar: jons jojo

 

Caesar Zeppeli: Are you joking

 

Caesar Zeppeli: There are like ten of you all named Jojo

 

Joseph Joestar: false theres 8 of us

 

Suzi Q: So I can’t call you Jojo?

 

Joseph Joestar: thats what dad called jonathan

 

Caesar Zeppeli: Oh, Joseph

 

Caesar Zeppeli: I’ve been calling you Jojo for years, I’m so sorry

 

Suzi Q: Did your dad have a nickname for you?

 

Joseph Joestar: yeah we each had one

 

Joseph Joestar changed his nickname to Jiji

 

Jiji: we dont use them much anymore but i always feel weird when people call my jojo

 

Caesar Zeppeli: Well, thank you for letting us know, Jiji

 

Suzi Q: If we ever do anything else that upsets you in anyway, please let us know

 

Caesar Zeppeli: Yeah, we care about you Joseph

 

Jiji: oh shit 

 

Jiji: uh feelings shit 

 

Joseph Joestar sent an image

 

Caesar Zeppeli: JOSEPH 

 

Suzi Q: Oh dear

 

Jiji: JOEsTAr secrET TEChniQUE

 

Caesar Zeppeli: WE LIVE TOGETHER YOU CANT HIDE FOREVER ASSHOLE

 

-

 

Why Does Jotaro Own a Dolphin Bodypillow

January 31 2020, 11:42 pm

 

Baby: so

 

Baby: Jotaro is taking Noriaki to meet Grampy and Granny

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: well theyve been begging to meet him for years

 

Gay Heaven Now: Its really funny really

 

Gay Heaven Now: Like they did not care about meeting gyro or erina 

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: theyre just obsessed with Nori

 

Baby: i mean, fair enough

 

Baby: i was going to suggest that we lay off of Jotaro during the visit because of this

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: oh yeah for sure

 

Gay Heaven Now: Okay but you cannot stop me from hinting that they should get engaged

 

Arrested For Lesbian Crimes: oh yeah no way am i holding back

 

Baby: so we’re all on the same page then

 

Gay Heaven Now: As always lmao

Chapter Text

Free the Stones

February 3 2020, 4:32 am

 

Marry Me Jolyne: Jolyne where are you

 

No: london

 

Kung Foo: Why are you in Canada

 

Goddess: Why are y’all even awake

 

No: timezone

 

Marry Me Jolyne: Jolyne isnt in her house

 

No: dude why the fuck are you at my house

 

Kung Foo: London isnt in a different time zone

 

Goddess: Yes it is?

 

Channel 7: Who immediately thinks of London, Ontario when someone says London

 

Kung Foo: I do

 

No: Annasui answer my fucking question why are you at my house at 4 am

 

Marry Me Jolyne: why arent you at your house at 4 am

 

Kung Foo: Wait theres another London

 

Channel 7: You thought there was only one

 

Channel 7: And that it was in Canada

 

No: IM IN LONDON FUCKWAD WHY ARE YOU AT MY FUCKING HOUSE

 

Goddess: Wait what the fuck Annasui

 

Marry Me Jolyne: i was walking by

 

No: AT 4 FUCKING AM

 

Kung Foo: Wait wheres the other London

 

Channel 7: England

 

Goddess: Annasui I’m actually calling the cops 

 

No: IVE HAD EN FUCKING OUGH

 

Jolyne Joestar banned Narciso Annasui from Free the Stones

 

Kung Foo: Wait whats England

 

Goddess: Foo I

 

No: are

 

No: are you joking

 

Kung Foo: Is it that little splotch on top of Canada

 

Channel 7: That’s Alaska

 

Goddess: Jolyne, are you alright?

 

No: yeah babe im fine

 

No: did you actually call the police

 

Channel 7: England is in Europe

 

Goddess: Of course, baby, I’m so sick of the way he’s been treating you

 

No: awww babe <3

 

Kung Foo: Whats Europe

 

Goddess: FF…

 

Channel 7: I’m going to teach you Geography for the next month

 

Kung Foo: Whoo hoo

 

No: anyways my house has rats so were visiting family in london for week

 

Goddess: Wait you guys have rats

 

No: yeah we have rats

 

No: so were visiting my grandparents

 

Kung Foo: In Canada!

 

No: <-

 

Goddess: England, Foo

 

Goddess: You were close

 

Channel 7: Not really

 

-

 

Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots

February 3 2020, 10:32 am

 

Civil Jojo: Happy birthday, cousin Jotaro!

 

Spin Cycle: Yeah what he said

 

Joot: Thank you.

 

Spin Cycle: How old are you anyway

 

Spin Cycle: 26

 

Joot: I’m younger than you.

 

Spin Cycle: And

 

Pizza Cowboy: Johnny, you’re 21

 

Spin Cycle: Oh fuck really

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: dumbass did you forget your own age

 

Spin Cycle: Fuck you Jolyne

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: bug bite man

 

Spin Cycle: STOP IT 

 

Jomom: Just to clear things up, Jotaro has just turned twenty!

 

Joot: Yay.

 

Broke: Lmao old

 

Joot: Say that to my face, punk.

 

Meet Me In the Thunderdome Motherfucker: don’t fall for it, he’s sitting with Grampy

 

Meet Me In the Thunderdome Motherfucker: hold on

 

Giorno Giovanna-Joestar changed his nickname to Golden Time

 

Golden Time: much better

 

Spin Cycle: How are the grands anyway

 

Jodad: Despite their age, they are both doing lovely!

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: THEY GOT A NEW CAT

 

Pizza Cowboy: Another?

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: yeah they have six now

 

Broke: Pokey is still hanging on

 

Golden Time: Harley and Ivy are the best, no contest

 

Spin Cycle: Why they got so much pussy in that house

 

Golden Time: sounds like someone wants to say goodbye to their fingernails

 

Pizza Cowboy: Woah calm down there babino

 

Golden Time: looking to add your kneecaps to my list, i see

 

Broke: Anyone who insults the cats deserves the death penalty

 

Jomom: Okay, that’s enough family time for today.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: but i was gonna tell them about Snickers

 

Joot: Kakyoin has spent more time here with the cats than me.

 

Broke: Its hilarious

 

Joot: He’s really partial to Klaus.

 

Broke: Bruh 

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Klaus is you if you were a cat Joot

 

Golden Time: pissy, violent, the only person he likes is Noriaki

 

Joot: Fuck off, twink.

 

Jomom: Not this again.

 

Jodad: Boys, stop arguing, you’re upsetting the cats.

 

Civil Jojo: Do they still have that cat with the funny name?

 

Jodad: Yes, Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch is still here.

 

Broke: I still can’t believe they named him Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: what do you have a problem with Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch

 

Broke: Yes i do have a problem with wallace paolo janice lynch

 

Golden Time: i don’t see how you could have a problem Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch

 

Spin Cycle: Can you please stop saying wallace paolo janice lynch

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: i will not stop saying Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch

 

Jomom: Why are you all saying Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch?

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: why wouldnt we be saying Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: wait i can see why youre questioning why were saying Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: why am i still saying Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch

 

Golden Time: because it’s fun to say Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch

 

Jodad: Okay that’s enough with the Wallace Paolo Janice Lynch

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: can i talk about Snickers now

 

Jomom: We sure came a long way from celebrating Jotaro’s birthday, huh?

 

Golden Time: it’s our thing

 

Broke: We could run marathons around every other group chat

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: speaking of group chat

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: we kicked Annasui from ours

 

Jodad: Good for you!

 

Broke: Erina really isnt pulling any punches today huh

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: well he was at our house this morning and Hermes called the cops

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: so i doubt well ever see him again

 

Jomom: Wait, he was at the house this morning?

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: yeah hes a stalker

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: thats kinda what they do Jonathan

 

Pizza Cowboy: You’re taking this surprisingly well

 

Golden Time: well the news isn’t a surprise

 

Rat: the only surprise is that it took you this long to report him

 

Golden Time: so nice of you to join us, Joseph

 

Rat: shut up giorno im still in bed

 

Golden Time: it’s a weekday, and you own a business

 

Rat: yeah

 

Rat: smokey went in for us today

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: so all three of you are in the apartment rather than making money

 

Rat: suzi q is making brunch

 

Broke: That is a completely unrelated statement i hope you know that

 

Rat: welp

 

Rat: JOESTAR SECRET TECHNIQUE

 

Spin Cycle: Damn

 

Spin Cycle: Hes really good at that

Chapter Text

Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots

February 9 2020, 1:03pm

 

Broke: Uh oh

 

Broke: Jonathan

 

Jomom: Yes, Josuke?

 

Spin Cycle: I bet he left something in london

 

Jodad: Ye of little faith.

 

Broke: Yeah so i think i left my laptop in london

 

Spin Cycle: Boom there it is

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: dumbass its in my room

 

Broke: Whys my laptop in your room

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: you packed it in my bag cause you ran out of room

 

Jomom: Didn’t it fit on the way?

 

Broke: Uhm

 

Golden Time: did you not tell him

 

Jomom: Tell me what?

 

Joot: They brought home Grampy’s photo albums.

 

Jodad: All of them? Really?

 

Broke: To be fair he gave them to us

 

Jomom: He’s ninety! You know he doesn’t think very clearly!

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: whoops

 

Golden Time: whoops

 

Broke: whoops

 

Pizza Cowboy: Well are there any interesting photos in them?

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Jonathans baby photos

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: and Josephs

 

Hoelyne Hoestar sent an image

 

Jodad: Aw, look at them!

 

Jodad: Jonathon, honey, look at you! You were dressed as a little bear cub!

 

Broke: Hes embarrassed lmao

 

Rat: oh yeah

 

Rat: dad had dressed us up as different animals for some reason

 

Spin Cycle: Assigned fursona

 

Rat: im deleting ur contact from my phone

 

Jomom: Actually, my grandmother made them all for us!

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: Granny cant sew

 

Jomom: No, not Granny. Grandma Theresa, my mother’s mom.

 

Broke: Wait shes still alive

 

Jodad: She hugged you at the last reunion, Josuke.

 

Broke: That was her

 

Civil Jojo: Okay, so Jonathan was a bear and Joseph was a dragon, what were the rest of you?

 

Broke: I was a wolf

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: and i was a tiger

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: she really played up the matching by opposites thing

 

Joot: I was a shark.

 

Jomom: When she heard about Dio, she sent us new ones for our heights and he was a polar bear!

 

Golden Time: she sent me one when i came to live here, too. 

 

Golden Time: i was a ladybug

 

Spin Cycle: Ngl kinda jealous

 

Broke: Then perish

 

Broke: Wait jolyne can you bring me my laptop

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: <-

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: fuck wait this doesnt work here

 

Spin Cycle: ???

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: my screen name in another group is no

 

Golden Time: smart.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: thank

 

Broke: Why not

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: not home

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: out with Hermes and Foo

 

Broke: Ima go get it myself then

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: DONT YOU FUCKING DARE JOSUKE

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: ILL BEAT YOUR FUCKING ASS WHEN I GET HOME IF YOU GO NEAR MY DOOR

 

Golden Time: he went in

 

Broke: Snitch

 

Jomom: Please.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: im sorry Jonathan but Josuke has gone too far

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: he needs to be stopped

 

Jodad: As long as you don’t fight indoors or where George can see you.

 

Spin Cycle: Finally we will have the right number of josukes in this family

 

Spin Cycle: One

 

Broke: Are you saying that jolyne is capable of killing me

 

Spin Cycle: Yes

 

Joot: Yes.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: of course

 

Civil Jojo: I mean…

 

Jodad: You won’t last a minute.

 

Jomom: She won’t kill you, hopefully. 

 

Golden Time: do you really need to ask?

 

Pizza Cowboy: Oh for sure

 

Broke: Bruh

 

-

 

Private channel between Josuke Joestar and Jolyne Joestar

February 9 2020, 3:43 pm

 

Whore: did you see anything you shouldnt have

 

Bitch: I might have

 

Whore: fuck

 

Bitch: Jolyne why the fuck do you have so much ranch

 

Bitch: And why was it under your bed next to a box i dont want to talk about

 

Whore: okay so

 

Whore: the ranch is contraband that my friends and I sell at lunch

 

Whore: cause the caf banned all condiments after what Naracia and Okuyasu did before the break

 

Whore: where do you think I get my money from I dont have a job

 

Bitch: Damn

 

Whore: ...did you look in the box

 

Bitch: I wish i didnt

 

Bitch: Why do you have so many

 

Whore: Hermes has more

 

Bitch: WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT

 

Bitch: Ima go bleach my eyes and brain

 

Whore: Im still gonna kill you later

 

Bitch: Understandable

 

-

 

Jonathan’s Circus of Idiots

February 9 2020, 5:13 pm

 

Jodad: For the three of you going to that school dance on Friday, I’m going out to the mall with George and his friend Elizabeth in fifteen minutes. If you come I can help you get some stuff for the dance.

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: can Hermes come

 

Jodad: You can each bring your date, we’re taking the big van.

 

Broke: I love the big van

 

Broke: Ill see if Oku can come

 

Rat: i will pay one of you to wear a rat costume and go around and try to spread the plague

 

Pizza Cowboy: What the fuck

 

Broke: Dude 

 

Golden Time: first of all

 

Golden Time: there’s a new plague, they talked about it on the news last night

 

Golden Time: secondly, Erina, Mista and i are taking you up on your offer. 

 

Golden Time: he’ll be here in five minutes

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: are we getting supper

 

Jomom: Not while you’re there. You will be picking up an order that I will be putting in while you’re gone. Your dates are invited to stay for dinner! We’re ordering from the new sandwich shop down the street from George’s school!

 

Rat: can i get some

 

Spin Cycle: You live in a different city shut the fuck up

 

Rat: u live in a different state

 

Spin Cycle: Yeah and u dont see me asking for food

 

Pizza Cowboy: Get back to work

 

Spin Cycle: Youre not my boss you cant tell me what to do

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: haha you have to work weekends

 

Spin Cycle: Thats it hand over your baby teeth motherfucker

 

Jomom: Sorry, you can’t have them. They’re somewhere safe.

 

Broke: Ominous

 

Rat: jon what the fuck

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: do you really have my baby teeth

 

Jomom: We kept all of your baby teeth, as a collectable memory!

 

Golden Time: can i have mine

 

Jomom: …

 

Jomom: Why.

 

Golden Time: not important

 

Golden Time: can i have them back

 

Broke: Dude what are you going to do

 

Golden Time: i already said, that’s not important.

 

Broke: Bruh

 

Hoelyne Hoestar: welp

 

Jodad: Hurry up, young ones, I’m about to take off!

 

Jodad: …

 

Jodad: Give him the teeth.

 

Civil Jojo: I will never understand Americans.

 

Pizza Cowboy: You don’t want to.