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disasters in modern comings-of-age (the party don't start till i walk in)

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Anne doesn’t remember when it happened the first time, but she remembers perfectly how it happened. 

She’d walked into the rugby house party ready to have a good time. Gossiped, laughed, danced with the girls, drank a lot of raspberry liqueur. In fact, she was having a great time. 

Then Gilbert had found her. He’d yanked on her ponytail and they’d bickered, and the next thing she knew they were dancing, and then she was on the sink in the bathroom, coming hard with his hand down her panties and his mouth whispering exceedingly indecent things into her ear. Then, shamefully, she had gone home with him, had the hottest sex she’d had up till that point in her twenty-one years of life, and in the morning she’d run out as quietly as she could.

To her dismay, Anne remembers the next time, and the time after that, and the time after that just as clearly.



(9:47pm) cole im a lil worried about anne 

(9:47pm) also can u bring doritos when u come over


(9:50pm) ya what kind?

(9:50pm) and oh shit? whats up


(9:52pm) cool ranch ty <3

(9:52pm) and idk shes saying shes got a plan to not hook up w gilbert tn

(9:52pm) but she wont tell me what it is

(9:53pm) and she looks a little...

(9:53pm) well

(9:53pm) she’s beating her face so hard w a beauty blender im scared shes gonna hurt herself



Honestly, it’s beyond ridiculous at this point. She and Gilbert Blythe weren’t even friends—he had just shown up in her friend group one day with Jerry and everyone immediately just thought the sun shone out of his dick. Well, she didn’t buy the hype, to say the least. From day one, it seemed like he was always doing stuff to goad her, making wisecracks about her hair and calling her Carrot Top and generally just being a pain the ass, and she was ashamed to say that it worked more often than not.

Which is why Anne didn’t understand why drunk-her was always trying to hop into bed with him! This... horrible configuration between them had transpired at least twice a month for the past three months and Anne is putting a stop to it tonight.

“No more!” she declares. “Tonight the curse of Gilbert Blythe will be lifted, and I shall be a free woman, again!”

“Put the beauty blender down before you hurt someone. And remind me what the problem with hooking up with Gilbert is again? He’s nice,” Diana says. “Also Cole’s bringing Cool Ranch.”

Fuck yeah. And Diana, are you kidding me?" Anne scoffs. "Gilbert Blythe is the worst. He’s so smarmy and pretentious and fake-nice, like, buys organic cheese for the whales or some shit, and he knows he’s stupidly pretty so he thinks he can get away with whatever he wants-”

“ I’m hearing the real problem is you still wanna get all up in on that. ” 

No, Diana, I-

“Oh, Cole’s here!”



(10:17pm) g-dog

(10:17pm) can u remind me to put in my contacts before we leave the house


(10:20pm) ok don’t call me that first of all

(10:20pm) also ? i thought that’s what the sticky note on the door was for


(10:21pm) well i cannot SEE it if im not wearign mes contacts


(10:23pm) ...what’s the point then?


(10:24pm) look im TRYING 

(10:24pm) also wats ur plan if we run into anne tn

(10:24pm) u tryna *eyes emoji* *smirk emoji* *tongue emoji*


(10:26pm) gross jerry

(10:26pm) and i don’t know…try to talk to her i guess? she’s sending me super mixed signals

(10:26pm) but we’ll see

(10:26pm) agh i feel like she hates me


(10:29pm) she definitely hates u

(10:31pm) also 

(10:32pm) g-dude

(10:32pm) do u think diana will think this is douchey???? [picture of BOYFRIEND MATERIAL shirt]


(10:34pm) yes

(10:34pm) why do you even have that?



“Ohhh my god Diana I LOVE to dance!! DANCE WITH ME SWEET DIANA!!!!”


Okay, so The Plan (Planne?) is not going exactly to plan. 

The Planne was to not get drunk, find beloved slut Moody Spurgeon, and have the most convincing dance-floor-makeout of her life in Gilbert Blythe’s line of sight. So far, she was not doing so hot.

She’d walked in and was immediately offered a drink (in her defense, Tillie made Long Island iced tea) and she’d taken it, deciding then that she would have one and only one. She had gotten so caught up in saying hi and talking to everyone—Jane impulse bought a Bird scooter—that she lost track of how many iced teas she’d had.

And now she was here, spinning around and drunkity drunk like a skunk on funk. 

“Gil! Jerry! Over here!” Josie yells over the music, and Anne gasps, freezing in her tracks. Josie Pye, you bitch. 

Anne grabs Cole by the shoulders and whispers in his ear, “Cole. I must go to the bathroom. Tell no one.” She flees.



(11:27pm) cole

(11:27pm) cole 

(11:27pm) cple

(11:27pm) just curios. do u

(11:28pm) hapen to see m**dy sp*rgeon anywehere

(11:28pm) also whats going on w diana n jerry!

(11:29pm) fheyre so cute 2getthwr i want them to b married NOW


(11:31pm) anne wtf where r u????

(11:31pm) its been like

(11:31pm) 15 minutes

(11:32pm) i thought u were having the shit of ur life

(11:33pm) and ya moodys in the backyard but hes w billy and them

(11:33pm) i think theyre trying to set billys chest hair on fire?

(11:33pm) dianas ok

(11:33pm) but jerry asked her to feel his shirt 

(11:34pm) and said it was made of boyfriend material

(11:34pm) so shes not talking to him rn


(11:48pm) ? anne u ok



Bro! I can’t believe that fucking worked!” The guys around Billy guffaw as he frantically tamps out the flames on his torso. 

Anne sashays—stumbles—towards the group and sidles up to Moody, who's snapchatting the ordeal.

“Hello, Moodles,” she says, hopefully in her best girl-who’s-gonna-get-it voice.

“Anne!” Moody side hugs her in greeting. “What’s up, girl?”

There’s a pause as her brain buffers. “Oh, you know...just enjoying...things.” Shit, why did she not think about what she would do once she got here?

Luckily, Moody picks up the vibe—he owns the title of beloved slut for a reason—and asks, “You wanna dance?”

God bless you Moody Spurgeon! “Let’s do it, Moods!” 

They make their way into the house, which is now even fuller than before. Through the crowd of bodies, Anne catches Ruby and Jane doing a shimmy to Big Ole Freak and has the full-force realization that white girls really cannot dance. 

She pulls Moody to a stop in the living-room-slash-dancefloor as the music changes to a remix of a Robyn song. They start to move together and, to be honest, it’s a little weird, but she’s drunk and Moody looks like he’s having a good time so she goes with it.

As they continue dancing, Anne lets go and starts to enjoy the music and the heat of the bodies around her, starts to enjoy the haze of her drunkenness, her heartbeat thrumming warmly in her chest. She wraps her arms around Moody’s shoulders and feels his hands move along her hips, and the pair sways back and forth, moving in closer and closer.

Moody, reliably, ducks his head down to her ear and slurs, “You wanna make out?” She nods and he’s sticking his tongue down her throat in the next beat, which Anne supposes is not altogether unpleasant, but she does start to wonder what Cole and Diana are up to. Moody breaks from her mouth and starts going to town on her neck, and Anne takes a second to scan around the room for her friends.  

Fuck. Of course, she makes eye contact with Gilbert Blythe, who’s talking to a heavily gesticulating, forlorn-looking Jerry, and even in the darkness she can see the way he raises his eyebrows at her. Anne snaps her eyes away, suddenly feeling like everything is way too fucking hot. She ignores the feeling and pulls Moody up to kiss him again until she feels Gilbert’s eyes leave her.

All of a sudden Moody seems to realize something and detaches himself from her. “Oh shit!” he yells. Anne, I’m sorry, I gotta go, my boys love this song. BILLY WHERE YOU AT? SEVENTEEN THIRTY EIGHT!”  



(11:35pm) anne omg nvm jerry is such a cornball i want to perish


(12:37am) girl wya??? cole said he hasnt heard from u since u went to the bathroom but that was like an hr ago


(1:09am) um

(1:09am) so gilbert just walked into the kitchen looking like

(1:10am) ten different levels of pissed off

(1:10am) did something happen



Okay, so she’s not like, mad that she got ditched by Moody Spurgeon like that, because objectively, she was just using him to get Gilbert Blythe off her back, but like, what the fuck just happened. Anne groans and covers her eyes with her hands. 

Fuck it. She just needs to get so much more drunk.

Anne maneuvers her way into the kitchen to take so many shots and almost tackles Diana when she sees her.

“Oh my god Diana the most humiliating thing just happened, like, I was dancefloor making out with Moody and it was kinda gross and his tongue was all up in my business but then I saw Gilbert so I had to keep going and -”

“Wait, what? You kissed Moody?”

Yes, but then he left me for Billy because Trap Queen started playing.

Diana cackles. “Holy shit, that’s why Gilbert looked ready to punch someone? Also, god, what the fuck Moody?”

“Right!” Anne says, ignoring the comment about Gilbert. “It’s literally so fucked up. Ugh, Diana, we need to do shots right now.” She grabs the first bottle she sees and pours the contents into two empty cups. She and Diana down the liquid—vodka, gross—before taking another two in quick succession.

Feeling slightly better, Anne looks at her phone. She sees Cole’s texts and screeches in delight. “Oh my god, Jerry said that?

“I. Know. It was so terrible, like the worst-”

Speak of the devil. Jerry walks into the kitchen at that moment and cries in cheer, “Diana! Ma belle! I have been looking all over, for you!”

Anne snickers at the horrified look on Diana’s face and whispers to her, “You know, if you hate his shirt so much, you should just rip it off him.”

Diana whips around to glare at her, but Anne just shoves her towards Jerry and hightails it out of there.



(1:37am) hey anne, this is gilbert. i got your number from cole. can we talk?





(1:46am) cole!!!!!!!!!! wtf why the fuc k wld u ggive gilbert butthole my number???????? i am SO MAD at u rn


(1:55am) hehe bc he loooooves u & u loooooove him & it is HIGH TIME u guys admit it?

(1:55am) give the man a chance anne!!! 

(1:56am) #justice4gilbert



After another bout of dancing, Anne is scrambling to the bathroom as fast as she can because she has to pee so bad, but some dickhead is hogging it and if they don’t get out of there right now there’s a good chance that she will pee all over herself. She’s slamming her hand on the door when it opens and the dickhead in question comes walking out. 

“Whoa there- sorry- wait, Anne?” 

She shoves the offender out of the way and runs in. Finally. 

As she’s washing her hands, Anne realizes with horror—shit, wait, was that...? She glues her back to the door, her heart pounding. Then, slowly, sneakily as possible, she turns the knob and opens the door, just the teensiest bit so she can peek through, and through the crack she sees Gilbert standing in the hallway, peering straight at her and looking expectant. 

She slams the door shut. Fuck fuck fuck.

She’s sending Diana an SOS message when she hears a throat being cleared from outside the door, and then a gentle knock.


She holds her breath and wills herself to disappear.

“Anne, I know you’re in there.”

No I’m not, she thinks to herself.

“I literally heard that.” Fuck! “Come on Anne, this is ridiculous. Why are you doing this? Can we just talk?”

She supposes that at this point, a more normal, less drunk, non-her person would realize that it’s time to face the music, but suffice it to say, that is not her, so she does the only logical thing to do in her mind. Which is to clamber onto the bathtub and try to escape out the shower window. 

Except she loses her balance and knocks over all of the shampoo bottles, which obviously notifies Gilbert that something is afoot, and he opens the door just in time to watch in horror as she slips off the ledge, limbs flailing, and crashes hard to the bottom of the tub in a crumpled heap.

“Jesus, Anne!” Gilbert rushes over to her. Anne groans and covers her face with her hands because her ass hurts so bad and this is officially the most humiliating night of her life.

Go away.” 

“Are you hurt?” She refuses to look at him.

“No, I’m fine-” 

“Anne,” he says, and his tone sounds more serious this time, so she glances up at him and is taken aback by the worry on his face. “I just wanna make sure you’re not hurt because that was a rough fall. Did you hit your head?”

“No,” she grumbles out, “but I definitely bruised my ego.” He laughs and holds out his hand to help her up. She takes it.

When she’s standing again, he says, “Hey, I mean, if it makes you feel better, me too. The girl I like just tried to climb out a window to avoid talking to me.”

She freezes. He sees the look on her face and sighs. “Can I just ask, did I do something wrong?”

When she doesn’t reply, he continues, his voice more vulnerable than she’s ever heard it: “Look Anne, the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable, so I don’t want to make you talk to me if you don’t want to, but I’ve just been kind of confused. I know we didn’t get off to a good start when we met and we do that whole thing where I tease you and you get pissed off at me, but I thought that was just our thing. When we hooked up that first night-” he blushes, and Anne ignores the way her heart pangs, “I thought there was a chance you felt the same way. But then you left, and then we just never talked about it after, and I thought I’d fucked it all up. But then it kept happening and I didn’t know what to think.” 

He takes a deep breath and rubs his neck, laughing slightly before continuing, “I guess I just wanted you so much that I didn’t want to stop. But then tonight, I saw you with Moody, and I just… I want you to know where I stand. If you don’t want- if you aren’t interested, then I’m really sorry I read you wrong. I don’t-”

“Gilbert,” she interrupts him softly. 

He’s still holding her hand.

Anne looks at him and in his eyes, she sees that he means it, that something is on the line for him in this moment, and she decides to stop running. She leans up to kiss him, and when he kisses her back, letting go of her hand to gently hold her face, her heart bursts and she feels so much like they are inventing something, setting something in motion, something so sweet and important that she could crumble under the weight of it. Maybe this is what she was scared ofbut really, how could she be? How could she ever pretend that she didn’t want this? 

She kisses him for a long time. When they pull away, she rests her forehead against his, feeling his warmth, the tickle of his eyelashes against her skin, and Anne is so sure of the way things should be, she shivers.

“I like you so much,” she begins to say, when an awful feeling starts to rise in her stomach.

Oh god.

Turns out, it’s more than just a feeling. She barely makes it down to the toilet before she starts spraying puke everywhere.





(2:33am) anne u ok? i think i wanna head out in a bit


(2:37am) [exclamation point react]

(2:37am) HOLY SHIT YES!!!!!!!!! GET IT BITCH

(2:37am) and yeah gilberts gonna take me home

(2:38am) thx for checking in cole <3 love u sm


(2:40am) love u too <3

(2:41am) and gasp wait WHAT 

(2:41am) does that mean u two got ur shit together???


(2:50am) anne stinky cuthbert how DARE u leave me on read rn



Anne wakes up the next morning, and the first thing she does is remember.

Oh, my god. She almost wishes she’d blacked out at this point. The memories of last night are horrible, and they come back to her in droves. She can never talk to Moody Spurgeon again.

But then she remembers Gilbert, and she’s glad she remembers. The things he’d said, the way he’d kissed her. But then she'd puked so much—Anne groans, willing the bed to swallow her up.

Just then, the arm around her waist pulls her closer, and Anne remembers that she’s not alone. Oh, right. Gilbert had helped clean her up and taken her home last night. Anne cringes at the memory of her almost begging him to stay with her, but it’s quickly replaced by one of the two of them brushing their teeth and stealing shy glances at each other in the mirror. And now, Gilbert Blythe is lying in her bed, spooning her, their legs tangled together and his breath warm on the back of her neck.

“You know it’s way too early for your brain to be working this hard, right?” He murmurs sleepily into her ear. Anne feels a bubble of fucking glee rise up in her chest, and she turns around to look at him. His eyes are half-open and a little crusty, but he’s looking at her so sweetly, and his curls are a mess, and he’s grinning at her. God, he’s so pretty.

“Hi,” she says, and she knows she looks stupidly giddy right now, but she can’t find it in herself to care. 

“Hey, how’s it goin’?”

She laughs. “Oh good, you?”

He traces the curve of her face with his thumb. “You know, pretty good. I’m in bed with this really pretty girl, and don’t tell anyone, but I think she might be into me.”

“Oh, you think?”

“Oh yeah, for sure, or else I’d be out on my ass right now.”

“That’s right,” she says, poking him in the nose. 

He snorts and pulls her in for a kiss. At first, it's light work, all soft sighs and affectionate nips and tender touches. The moment quickly turns into something more intense, though, and he’s making all of these little gasps that steal her breath from her. His hands are lighting up every nerve ending in her body and Anne is out of her mind with how good it feels, his tongue against hers and the smell of his soap clouding her senses. She can’t get close enough, she thinks, climbing on top of him and moaning as she feels him hard below her.

“Holy shit, Anne,” Gilbert groans as she grinds down on him, trailing wet kisses up his jawline and sucking lightly on a spot in the crook of his neck. His hands slide down her spine and land on her ass, giving it a hard squeeze, and she gasps.

He flips them so he’s on top, and Anne tugs at his shirt. It’s a scramble of limbs to take off their clothes but soon their chests are bare and pressed together. Gilbert breaks their kiss, moving his thumb to graze Anne’s lips and she takes it into her mouth, takes in the destroyed, reverent look on his face as she sucks and swirls her tongue around the digit. 

Something in him seems to snap, and Gilbert is suddenly everywhere all at once, burrowing a hand into her hair and pressing ferocious kisses into the sensitive skin of her neck. Anne cries when he moves downward and takes her nipple into his mouth; the sight of him sucking and licking and pulling at her little peaks is so fucking erotic she thinks she might pass out.

He moves lower still, reaching her panties. He looks up at her, asks, “Can I-?”

Gilbert, yes.” He grins, the bastard.

He doesn’t take her underwear off right away though, maneuvering her legs until they’re bent. He places his hand over her crotch, rubbing her lightly over her panties as he licks, kisses, bites her inner thighs until she’s fucking trembling. Gilbert ghosts his mouth over her and she feels his hot breath right over the place where she wants him, already embarrassingly ready for him, and she spasms.

His voice is low and strained when he says, “Jesus, Anne, you’re so fucking pretty.”

She whines, “Oh my god, Gilbert, please-” 

Her panties are off in the next second, and he’s got two fingers trailing up and down the length of her. She’s fucking soaking, she knows it, good god, she can hear it. He locks eyes with her when he starts rubbing slow circles around her clit and she cries out.

Fuck, Gilbert.” 

He stops teasing her then, moves his mouth down to her, begins lapping at her clit and her eyes roll to the back of her head. He places a finger at her entrance, toying around the perimeter until she bucks her hips, desperately needing something inside, and he sinks two fingers into her. 

Oh my god, Gil, that feels so good, keep going, please keep going,” she chants. He’s so fucking good, she thinks, and he’s curving his fingers just right, hitting the fleshy spot inside her that he’s so good at finding, and Anne knows she’s fucked. Her orgasm builds quickly and they work together to chase it. When she comes, she comes and comes, and the force of it makes her go mindless with sensation. She’s saying all sorts of things and panting and clawing at the sheets, at his hair, thrashing about violently, but Gilbert just holds her hips and doesn’t let up until she’s ridden out her climax fully.

Anne’s breathing hard in the aftermath, barely registering anything at all as Gilbert kisses his way up to her.

“Good?” he asks and Anne opens her eyes to see a wicked grin on his lips. 

She rolls her eyes and shoves his face away weakly. “Shut the fuck up, loser.”

He laughs hard at that and lays down next to her, holding her close and stroking her hair softly as she recovers. She thinks he might be the man of her dreams. 

After a few moments, she says, “Hey Gilbert?” 

“Yes, Anne?” 

She smiles at him sweetly. “I’m going to ride you now.”

Anne’s pretty sure she's never going to forget the noise that comes out of his throat when he hears that. She snickers and takes advantage of his surprise, sprinting out of bed to get a condom. She comes back to bed and slowly crawls towards him, slowly dragging down his underwear and taking in the sight of him in full. He's hard and thick and she thinks, god even his dick is pretty, as a coil of heat passes through her. Anne climbs on top of him, doing a little shimmy as she sits down on his lap. She's about to unwrap the condom when Gilbert stills her hands.

“Hey, I just wanted to do that, you know? We don’t have to-” 

She laughs. “Thanks for the chivalry, but I want to. Do you want to?”

Gilbert stares at her incredulously. “How are you real?” he asks, before sitting up to kiss her. 

Not breaking from their kiss, Anne opens the condom and rolls it onto him. She rubs him up and down once, then twice, and Gilbert groans, grabbing her by the hips to settle her above him. Anne bites her lip and slowly, she lowers herself down onto him.

Fuck,” Gilbert hisses. God, it’s always so fucking good with him, she thinks, moaning at the feeling of him filling her up. When he’s fully inside her, they take a moment to savor the contact.

“Well, this is nice,” Gilbert says breathlessly.

She laughs. “I’d say so,” she says, before rolling her hips against him and causing them both to very quickly lose their mirth. Anne begins moving in earnest then, sliding herself up and down on him, and it’s so fucking good because his hands are gripping her ass and his mouth is on her nipples and every time she goes down her clit grinds against his thigh, and god it’s always so fucking good with him. He’s helping her with their pace, fucking her with equal intensity from below. She pushes him back onto the bed, and he lands with a wild look in his eyes.

Anne wants to watch as Gilbert Blythe loses control. 

She rides him hard and fast and before long she’s close again, her movements getting sloppy and frantic. Gilbert just knows, like he always knows, and reaches a hand down to rub her clit.

“Come on Anne,” he breathes, coming up to whisper in her ear. “You’re so beautiful, so fucking beautiful, I love watching you like this, come on Anne-girl, come for me-”

Gilbert, oh my god,” she cries, falling apart on top of him, and it sets him off too. He pulls her in for a bruising kiss as he comes, and they clutch each other tight as they ride out their highs together.

Anne flops over onto him, spent, and Gilbert circles his arms around her back. He reaches down to squeeze one of her asscheeks before slapping it lightly, and Anne turns her head to face him, scrunching up her face and sticking out her tongue. Gilbert laughs and pulls her off him, depositing her onto the bed before getting up to dispose of the condom. 

He comes back, launching himself onto the mattress. What a dork, she thinks, though she can’t help but smile. He’s smiling too—brilliantly, one might say—as he pulls her into his arms. 

He kisses her hair. “So…that was fun.”

“Mmhmm,” she says, snuggling into his side.

There's a long pause before he says, “So, not to be that guy, but is it fair if I ask what are we?” He says it like a joke, but Anne turns to look at him, and she can tell he's serious.

“Hmm,” she says. “Well, I like you. A lot. And I wanna spend more time with you even though you make fun of my hair which is rude as hell-” he snorts at this, “-And I definitely wanna keep having sex. And I’m not interested in anyone else. I don’t really know what that all means because what are millennial courtship labels, but that’s where I’m at.” She looks at him hopefully. 

“Okay,” he says, pulling her in for a hug. “Same. I’m good with that.”

A comfortable silence falls between them. 

“So you’ll resubscribe to my texting service?” 



(2:47pm) hey

(2:47pm) so

(2:47pm) whats with the pair of men’s shoes in the living room hmmm

(2:48pm) would it happen to have anything to do w a certain Gilbert S. Blythe taking u home last night


(2:48pm) (the s stands for sexytimes btw)


(2:50pm) smdh COLE