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I didn't call you just to cry

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Kuroo ran his fingers through Tsukki’s hair. “You know that I love you, right?”

Tsukki had to smile at that. “Yeah, I know”, he replied, leaning in to kiss him. Kuroo pulled him closer and kissed him back, before leaving a bunch of kisses everywhere, his hair, forehead, cheek bones, nose, just to come back to his lips once more.

“I really, really do”, he whispered.

Tsukki chuckled. “Yeah, me too.”

“And I’ll always be there for you, Kei, no matter what happens, okay? If you need me, I’ll be there. Just tell me.”

“I will”, he said, still chuckling at how serious Kuroo was.

“Promise?”

“I promise, I will.”

 

~

 

He never wanted it to be like this. They had had the perfect romance. Just three more months. Just three more months and they would have been together in Tokyo.

But Tsukki had had to go and fuck it all up.

He had been so on edge recently and then he had just lost it. For no reason other than him being unable to let himself be happy. He had worried, all the time. Every phone call had ended with him worrying endlessly or snapping at Kuroo, and he knew it hadn’t been fair, he knew it hadn’t been Kuroo’s fault. And Kuroo had been so calm, so understanding, it was unbearable.

He had kept picking fights, over and over again, and Kuroo had tried to calm him down over and over again.

But then Tsukki had just lost it.

“Let’s break up”, he had said, and already regretted right then. The silence on the other end of the line had been suffocating and Tsukki had wanted to take it back immediately. But he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it, he hadn’t been able to overcome his damn pride. And he had believed, that Kuroo would refuse anyway, that Kuroo would say “You don’t mean this.” And then Tsukki could have agreed, could have apologized.

But that’s not what Kuroo had said.  Instead, his reply had been “Fine.”

And with that it had all ended.

 

Tsukki had spent the rest of the day, if not week sobbing. He hadn’t meant it. He had never wanted it to turn out this way. But maybe Kuroo had been tired, of him, of all the fighting.

He couldn’t blame him. Tsukki had been pushing Kuroo away so often, of course he would get fed up eventually.  Who wouldn’t want to leave after being treated like this?

 

It had started shortly after Tsukki had applied to university in Tokyo. They’d been excited at first. Kuroo had started talking about terminating his lease and moving in together and that’s when things had started to get scary, to get real. They’d been dating long distance for over a year and it worked out fine. But they had never seen each other for more than a few days in a row, maybe a week during the holidays.

What if moving in together would make Kuroo change his mind? What if he’d come to realize, that Tsukki wasn’t what he thought him out to be, what if he’d grow tired of him?

Tsukki knew in his head, that they should have talked it out, that they could have talked it out. Kuroo was understanding like that.

But he just couldn’t. He’d been to scared and haughty.

 

 

And now the graduation ceremony was coming up and his letter of acceptance was laying on his desk and really, he should be excited. But he couldn’t stop feeling lost and broken and full of self-loathing.

He knew he didn’t have the right to call. He was the one who broke up, he was the one who left Kuroo. He didn’t have the right to call.

But here he was, dialing his number, anxiously waiting for the call to go through.

It tooted, again and again. And then there was a click. Tsukki gasped when he heard Kuroo’s voice at the other end of the line.

“Hey this is Kuroo”, he said and Tsukki realized that he wasn’t actually talking to Kuroo. It was the mailbox.

Tsukki frustratedly hung up and hid himself under the blankets.

Then he dialed again.

“Hey this is Kuroo”, the mailbox said, but this time Tsukki didn’t hang up. “I’m not available right now but leave me a message?”

After the beep it was silent for a while. Tsukki didn’t know what to say. He just tried to steady his breathing and listened to the silence.

He knew he didn’t have the right to call. He was the one who broke up, he was the one who left Kuroo. He didn’t have the right to call.

But here he was, leaving a message on Kuroo’s mailbox.

A sob escaped his throat, and he felt with that he lost his chance to hang up without saying anything. “Sorry”, he whispered. “I know I-“ His voice was raspy and trembling and Tsukki wondered if he ever did anything this shameful, this humiliating. He sobbed again and desperately covered his mouth to keep the sound from coming out.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call for this, I didn’t call you just to cry b-but-” He should probably stop here. Hang up and text Kuroo something like Sorry, I’m a bit weird today nevermind the message haha. But he didn’t stop.

“I’m just so- I feel so alone a-and- I need you.” He felt choked up and he knew what he’d just done wasn’t fair. But it was too late, his words were out there for Kuroo to hear. “I’m sorry”, he whispered and quickly hung up, just to go back to sobbing alone, in his bed.

 

 

Tsukki didn’t want to keep checking his phone. But he did. Every other minute or so he would grab it, just to see that Kuroo hadn’t texted him, hadn’t called.

Maybe he didn’t hear it yet, Tsukki thought. Or maybe he did and chose not to reply because I don’t deserve a reply after all this.

He didn’t know which option he preferred. Both were scary. Maybe it would be best, if Kuroo deleted the message without listening to it, to his pathetic whining. At least he would have some dignity left then.

Tsukki didn’t realize he’d fallen asleep in between all the worries and the crying and the repeated checking of his phone. But he woke up, and it was dark and silent. The only light sources were the faint moonlight falling through his window and the neon green numbers from the digital alarm clock on his nightstand. It was 11pm, but Tsukki felt as though it was the middle of the night. He tried checking his phone that was hidden somewhere in his pillows, the screen stayed pitch black. With a sigh he plugged it in.

Tsukki wasn’t sure what woke him, maybe it was all the worrying or the loneliness.

Or maybe it was the weird clacking noise coming from his window.

He slowly turned his head, just to see a small pebble bounce of the glass with a small ‘clack’. He stepped to the window, careful to stay in the shadow, as to not be seen from the outside.

Another pebble hit the glass. Tsukki glanced down and spotted a familiar silhouette. He felt a zillion feelings well up in him. What is he doing here? Is it even him? Tsukki sneaked another glance down into their garden.

It’s definitely him.

Just when the silhouette raised his arm to throw another pebble Tsukki opened his window, and he stopped in his tracks, letting the small stone fall to the ground.

“Kei”, he said, quietly, and Tsukki immediately felt another well of tears springing to his eyes.

He wanted to reply, wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what and his throat felt too choked up to speak anyway. So he just stared at him, nervously, but so relieved to see him, so relieved to hear his voice. His eyes reflected the light of the moon and god, Tsukki missed him so much.

He moved away from the window, hurried downstairs and opened up the front door to find the other still standing underneath his window.

He turned around at the sound of the front door opening and walked over and Tsukki could barely keep himself from running outside into his strong, kind arms.

He swallowed thickly, when the other reached the door, felt himself gasp when he gave him a soft smile.

“Tetsurou”, he whispered, his voice barely audible.

“Kei.”

He stared at the black-haired boy, unable to grasp that he was here, right here with him. After all the shit Tsukki put him through, he still came.

“You’re here”, he said, simply, as though he needed another validation to believe that his ex-boyfriend who lived in Tokyo was in fact standing right before him.

Kuroo smiled gently. “Yeah. I said I'd be there, remember?”

And then it just broke out of him. His lips trembling, tears streaming down his cheeks, sobs escaping his throat.

“I’m sorry”, he managed to get out.

Kuroo cupped his face and brushed away the tears but they just kept coming. “I know.”

“I didn’t mean it.”

“I know”, Kuroo repeated softly and pulled Tsukki in a tight hug.

“I really, really love you”, he sobbed, clinging desperately to Kuroo, his fingers digging into the fabric of Kuroo’s jacket.

“Yeah”, Kuroo replied and Tsukki thought his voic sounded a little throaty. “Me too. I love you, Kei.”

 

 

 

They stood there for a while, bodies intertwined until it got too cold to bear. They carefully closed the front door behind them, in order not to wake Tsukki’s mom, and sneaked back into Tsukki’s room.

Tsukki sat down on the edge of his bed while Kuroo slipped out of his jacket and jeans. He then got onto the bed as well, slowly pulling Tsukki into a hug and pulling the blanket over the both of them. He did it so naturally, like he always did, arm tightly wrapped around Tsukki’s waist, and it felt like home.

“I’m sorry too”, Kuroo eventually said, and his breath tickled in Tsukki’s neck when he spoke. “I should have stopped you. But I- I didn’t want to confine you. I just want you to be happy and I just- I thought maybe you really didn’t want this, maybe I couldn’t make you happy.”

Tsukki felt like he was being stabbed by a knife. He never wanted Kuroo to feel that way, to feel sorry. It hadn’t been his fault.

He turned around to face him, and Kuroo’s eyes shimmered in the dark.

“Nothing makes me happier than you”, he whispered honestly and cupped Kuroo’s face. “I was-“ His voice broke and he tried hard not to start crying again. “I got scared. You say you love me but we meet every few weeks. And if we move in together- what if you get tired of me?”

“I fell for you the second I saw you Kei. There is not way I could get tired of you, ever. But we also don’t have to immediately move in together. I’m sorry for rushing in without realizing that it was scaring you. We can take this slow, okay? We have all the time in the world.”

“Okay”, he said softly, and he felt relieved but god, why hadn’t he just told Kuroo from the start. “It’s not that that I don’t move in with you, but it’s scary”, he said. “It’s scary because I’m just me and I’m cold and mean and awkward and I-“

Kuroo pulled him in even closer. “You’re not just you, Kei. You’re amazing.” He gently brushed his thumb over Tsukki’s temple. “Please don’t ever think you’re just you. Please don’t ever think you’re not good enough. You’re the best person I know, you’re my favorite person in the world.”

“And you’re mine.”