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IN WHICH THE GODS VOTED MOST LIKELY TO BE DATING BY TABLOIDS AREN'T ACTUALLY DATING DESPITE EVERYTHING STATING OTHERWISE, AND THEIR FRIEND DECIDES TO FIX THAT, ENLISTING THE HELP OF A THIRD OF THE KNOWN GODS TO SET THINGS AS FAR FROM STRAIGHT AS POSSIBLE.

Chapter Text

Karkat feels contented. He's laying on the couch on a lazy day, watching a movie, holding Dave (his human ‘bro’) in his arms, and watching one of his favorite romcoms. It’s a soft kind of day.

And then Jade leans over the couch.

“Sooooo. When were you gonna-?” They both shriek at the intrusion. “When the fuck did you come in?!” Karkat squeezes Dave in his arms. She rolls her eyes like it’s the stupidest question she’s ever heard. “I stayed the night last night? You offered me the guest room, dumbass.” She huffs and puts her elbow on the couch. “So! When were you guys gonna tell me?!”

“Tell you fucking what?! Also look, you’ve scared Dave. Look at him.” Karkat pets his hair to comfort him, purr-growling out of annoyance at Jade.

“Tell me that you’re dating!”

Karkat’s eyes widen and he stops purring out of distress. He and Dave back away from each other. “Who told you that?!”

“Uh, no one had to tell me? You two couldn’t be more obvious if you tried! Also the Earth C tabloids uh, kinda, covered your dates in their latest issues.” She coughs guiltily while saying it.

Dave fidgets. “Uh, Jade, haha. You know those are like, the stupidest shit right? Me n’ Kat are just two cool bachelors hangin’ around, havin’ a good time living together.”

“Having a good time sleeping in the same bed?” She lifts her eyebrows suggestively.

Karkat sputters and Dave hides his face. “Oh my fucking god.”

“So you two… aren’t together?” She looks skeptical.

“No! What the fuck!” Karkat’s face is turning red.

“Oh, well then, good for you. I’m gonna go get my stuff.”

She walks out of the room.

 

gardenGnostic [GG] created memo LITERALLY WTF!

gardenGnostic [GG] banned carcinoGeneticist [CG] from the memo!

gardenGnostic [GG] banned turntechGodhead [TG] from the memo!

GG: guys!!!! holy shit!!!! come online i have some bullshit to discuss!!!

akwetePurrmusk [AP] joined the memo!

AP: B33 < sup baybe

AP: B33 < aw shit dave and karkitty got banned immediately whats up

GG: they’re not together, babe!!!!!!

AP: B33 < oh shit B00

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] joined the memo!

TG: shit i knew they were dumbasses but its been like fiev fucking years wtf

timaeusTestified [TT] joined the memo!

TT: Oh my god.

TT: Tell me you’re joking, Jade.

GG: nope!!!! this is one hundred percent pure real rage!!!!!!!!

TG: uh oh here we go jades bout 2 crucify soem fuckign nerds

GG: you’re damn right i am!!!!!!!

uranianUmbra [UU] joined the memo!

UU: I am Up for some good old fashioned rage if yoU woUld like someone to join yoU, Jade!

GG: hell yes i want someone to join me, this is stupid! they’re clearly into each other and they’re not making a single move on each other >:(

TG: lol yell heah babe yall get that rage

UU: ^u^

UU: Hell yes! I am simply seething with anger!

TG: lol

UU: What do yoU sUggest we do with this anger, Jade?

GG: we kick their butts!

UU: Yes!

GG: and we tell them to kiss and stuff!

UU: Heck yes!

TG: ur so cute when ur fired up

TT: Yeah, as cute as this is, do you guys genuinely have a plan or are we just raging for no apparent reason right now? Because I suggest we just try to talk it out with them instead of pushing them into possibly incredibly uncomfortable situations for both them and us.

TG: dirkyyyyy >B/

TT: I’m just saying.

ectoBiologist [EB] has joined the memo!

EB: as much of a spoilsport as dirk can be sometimes I think we should listen to him on this one guys.

TG: not u too junieeee

TG: ur being infected with his boring disease

EB: I am trying to be responsible for once guys! >:/

arachnidsGrip [AG] joined the memo!

AG: Hey guys, what’s going on in this thread?

EB: read the goddamn thing before you join the conversation vriska!!!!!!!!

AG: 8ut that’s 8ooooooooring!!!!!!!!

AG: Anyways.

AG: I’m here for drama.

GG: well that’s good because there’s plenty of it!!!!!!!

UU: Yes!

AG: Daaaaaaaamn, even Calliope is joining in? Must 8e some serious shit.

GG: dave and karkat are being dumb fucks and aren’t together!!!

AG: How the fuck?

GG: i know right!!

tentacleTherapist [TT] joined the memo!

TT: I see we are having a polite discussion upon my ecto-brother’s romantic life. May I offer my point of view?

TT: Oh thank god, someone you’ll all listen to. Enlighten us, Rose.

TT: Thank you, Dirk.

TT: I want in.

TT: Oh fuck no.

TT: On the contrary: Oh fuck yes.

TT: Dave is never going to open up if we don’t step in.

TT: And Dave will be less likely to open up if we intrude into his business.

TT: Dirk, I know you mean well, but shut the fuck up and listen to me.

TT: Dave only realized he was gay when I stepped in and wore down his stupid opinions of what being a man is. I have a feeling this is no different. It’s clear the feelings are there but he’s not ready to confront that without goddamn divine intervention.

TT: And guess what. We are gods.

TT: Rose oh my fucking god.

TT: You mean *gods.

TT: I hate this. This is a fucking stupid plan.

TT: This is a great plan.

TG: jadey can u ban dirk from yhe memo hes being such a spoilsport

GG: i’m trying but he keeps getting arquius to unban him!!! >://

TT: So we give them subtle hints. Push them towards confessing. Make them confront it like never before. Make any number of jokes about them dating. Anything helps.

AG: Haha!!!!!!!! I’m in.

UU: I am also in!

GG: fuck yeah!!!!!

AP: B33 < B33

TG: pff

EB: :/

TT: This is a bad idea.

Chapter Text

It felt like it’d been forever since Dave spent some time with his best friend. June just hadn’t been up for hanging around anyone for a while, she was working through some stuff, but that just made an opportunity to spend time with her even better.

Dave knocks and June immediately opens the door, an excited look on her face. “Dave! It’s been like forever since I’ve seen you, bro!” She leans in to hug him, Dave awkwardly pats her on the back. “Haha! Sorry, guess you’re still not used to affection.” Dave laughs it off, like a true Coolguy. “Nah, nah, I’m good, sis.” He leans against the doorframe.

“If you’re good, then come on inside! You don’t look ‘soooo cool’ just standing on the porch, you know!” She mimics his ‘Coolguy’ posture, forever ruining it and making him seem like a dorky mess.

“Maybe I’m standing on the porch for ironic purposes, maybe this is the new definition of cool. I’m starting a new trend, porch standing. See how long you can stay still before passing out from heat stroke or exhaustion. Kids all over the kingdoms will be going to the hospital because of this new trend, and it’s even worse than just being a trendsetter cus’ I’m a god and they look up to me. Scientists will be desperately looking for a solution, parents will be calling me a bad influence, and that’s when I’ll roll out my new product. Temperature-controlled porches, heat ‘em up during winter, freeze ‘em when it’s hot out. It’s genius. I’ll be a millionaire. Shit, who knows, maybe it’ll even have a built-in popsicle machine.”

“Wow, Dave you're still absolutely hilarious…” She puts her hands on the sides of her face and swoons. “Ha! Sike! You sound like a complete fucking nerd! Admit it. You're getting rusty, bro. That was your shortest rant ever." She laughs at him.

Dave's face turns red and he stands a little straighter. “I am not getting rusty, you just don't know the true definition of cool.” Cue the cool adjusting of shades to emphasize. It’s clear she’s been spending too much time with the Scourge.

“Mhm, sure dumbass. If you're done being stupid then you're welcome to come inside.”

Dave huffs, embarrassed, (ironically, of course, Coolguys like him don't get annoyed or embarrassed) and steps inside. “So, what'cha been up to, Junie?”

“Well,” she gestures to the living room, “I’ve been decorating quite a bit, look at this place! I was really worn out and everything looked like shit because, well, y’know. Depression naps. But like, a month ago I decided it was time to clean! There were so many plates of rotten food, so many plates.” She says it as though she’s having war flashbacks. “Anyway, I’m really happy with the job I did in here! Though, Davepeta did help a lot.”

“Davepeta?”

“Yeah! Oh right, you’re probably not completely updated. Gosh, it’s been a while. Me, Jade, and Davepeta live together because they both wanted to keep an eye on me and none of us exactly want to be alone. So yeah!”

“Huh. How’s that going for you?”

“It’s really nice! Jade was isolated on an island and then a ship for like, most of her life, so I think it’s nice for her. And it helps me to not fall into old habits with Davepeta around the corner being their wacky self.”

“Good to hear.” Dave lets himself smile. “Speaking of Jade, she did some like, hella weird shit yesterday. So she was in our house for some reason-”

June rolls her eyes. “Sounds like Jade, she has no concept of personal space.”

“Yeah, okay, but it gets weirder. She was asking me and Karkat why we didn’t tell her we were dating- which we are not by the way- and apparently was talking about Earth C tabloids saying we were?”

“Ugh, yeah. People are weird, they’ll make up anything. Like, Earth C tabloids were saying that Jade infected me with some weird doggie disease- like some hyper-advanced cooties?- and that made me look the way I do. Like, I’m trans! Get over it! Ugh, it’s so weird. Oh, and I know they have the concept of being trans! They had a pride parade last year with a bunch of flags and stuff!” She groans in annoyance. "Did you ever run into stuff like, ugh, that when you came out?"

Dave thinks for a second. "Mm, nah. I came out when I was like 12ish so I don't think most people on Earth C even know unless they go out of their way to check that 'Earth C God Wiki' they have going on."

She lets out a sigh. "God, I wish I'd figured it out sooner. I was just so scared of being me! I thought all the time about how nice I'd look in dresses and nail polish, but I guess I didn't want to disappoint my dad." She sighs. "It's stupid. He would've been proud of me no matter what. He always made insinuations that he'd love me no matter who I turned out to be, but I never really picked up on what he was saying til now. I… I think he kinda knew."

Dave pats her on the back.

"Thanks, Dave."

She gets up from her spot.

“Anyway, do you want a drink or something? I’m gonna make some tea.”

“Tea is good.”

“Alright.” She goes into the kitchen.

Dave smiles as she walks away. Good old June, she hasn’t changed a lot since childhood. It’s refreshing to be able to pick their friendship back up from where they left off. June is the bes-

“Hey Dave!” Jade leans over the couch.

“Oh god.”

“Soooo when are you gonna ask Karkat out, or, gasp! Maybe you did yesterday and didn’t tell us?”

Dave lets out an annoyed sigh. “We’re just bros, Jade. He’s fucking great and I wouldn’t give him up for anything, but that’s because we’re so close.”

“Mhm, mhm, what I’m hearing is that you’re a big wuss who doesn’t want to even try to get a boyfriend. Do you wanna be ‘just bros’ forever, Dave? Do you?”

“Jade, stoooop.” He bangs his head against the couch.

“That’s not gonna kill you, and even if it did it would be a neutral death so you’d just come back! Come on, Dave, asking him out isn’t going to kill you, you fucking dumbass.”

“Ughhhhh.”

June comes out of the kitchen at that point.

“Oh thank god, June, my savior.”

“Jade! Stop bullying Dave! You’re being mean and rude, if he doesn’t wanna ask Karkat out he doesn’t have to.”

“Come on, he’s never gonna man up if we don’t say anything!”

“Jadalyn!”

“Juniper!”

Dave is miserable. “Should I just go?”

“Ugh, I’m sorry to say it but maybe yeah. We can hang out another time though!” She says hopefully.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” He gets up and walks out the door.

“Bye, June!”

Ugh. Maybe he should go see what his other friends are up to.

Chapter Text

Dave decides that after his ruined meetup with June he should go visit Roxy. Roxy is always chill and cool and knows how to hang. Calliope is also nice to hang out with, they’re more cool in a cute kinda way.

He knocks on the door and hears talking inside.

“Were we expecting anyone in today, love?”

“Nah, wanna go check it out?”

There’s some soft whispering and then the door opens. “Oh! Hello, Dave! It is very pleasant to see you!” Calliope smiles… Dave thinks. Their expressions can be a bit hard to read.

“Whoa, Davey is here?” There’s some shuffling and then Roxy is at the door. “Davey! My sweet baby boy! How’ve you been?” They kiss his forehead and noogie him.

Dave laughs as he steps back out of their embrace.

“I’m doing good! It’s nice to see you guys.”

“It’s nice to see you too, c’mon in!” Roxy ushers him onto the couch as Callie shuts and locks the door.

“Oh, wait, uh, I heard you guys talking, was I interrupting something?” Dave asks, suddenly very self-conscious.

“Nah, nah, nothing that can’t wait til later.” Roxy and Calliope share a look.

Dave gets very concerned. “Oh my god, don’t fucking tell me you guys were about to-”

“NO! No, no, no, don’t worry. We were gonna just try out some trickster candy stuff.” Calliope nervously gestures to a giant red and green sucker as Roxy wipes away a tear, trying not to laugh. “You’re fine, Davey.”

Oh thank fucking god. Dave leans back on the couch, relieved, before sitting right back up. "Wait, trickster candy stuff?" He’s concerned all over again.

"Yeah, it's nice to just lay back and relax and take some alien happiness drugs, even if the hangover and crash is shitty as hell."

"Hm." That’s kind of suspicious, but he’ll let it slide for now.

"So anyway, tell us! How’s your life goin'? How’s Karkat?”

“Going pretty sick, chillin’ and having a good time. Karkat’s been writing some troll romance novel for like, the past year and been reading it to me. It’s pretty dorky but I’ll put up with it for him.”

“Daww, ain’t that cute.”

Dave smiles. “I guess. He’s great to hang around, he’s good at countering my human bullshit with his troll bullshit.”

Roxy smiles as he leans forward. “Aww. He’s really something, isn’t he?”

He smiles wider. “Yeah, yeah he is. He’s so fucking great. I’m so glad we spend so much time together. I was super nervous about asking to move in together, but we just spent so much time together on the meteor I guess it felt natural? God, he’s my best friend.”

Calliope makes an aww sound. “So when are you going to ask him to be your boyfriend? Because you two would make a great couple! I shipped you quite a bit when I was watching your adventures.”

Dave groans. “Not you guys too. We’re just bros. Karkat is my friend, nothing else.”

“But Daaaavey, he likes you, you like him, you guys go on dates all the time!”

“They are not dates.”

“Then what are they, Dave?” Roxy arches an eyebrow.

“We’re just going out to nice restaurants as friends. He likes to treat me out sometimes, because I think he thinks we’re in that one troll bro quadrant? Which, by the way, I’m cool with. I forget to eat most of the time so it’s nice that he makes food for me and takes me out to nice places. And Karkat is my best friend in the world anyway, so like, they’re not dates.” Dave’s face is turning red. “They’re not.”

They roll their eyes. “Sure, hon.”

Dave pouts at them.

“Okay, but consider, Davey: you guys love each other-!”

“As bros.”

“You’d be perfect together, you’re already so in-sync and you live together, and the two of you hang out literally all the time! You’d be the cutest couple in the world! Well, besides me n’ Callie o’ course. Nobody beats us.” Calliope nods. “Nobody can beat Roxy and I!”

“Hell yeah. My point is, y’all are cute as hell! And as your alternate timeline parent I give my approval for you two to date. Unless he troll knocks you up with his weird alien babies. Then there will be hell to pay and we will be having a shotgun wedding.”

Dave takes a second to process all that bullshit. “I don’t need your approval to date Karkat. Uh,” he realizes how that sounded, “it’s not like I want to date him or anything. But if I was dating Karkat or wanted to date him or ask him out or something I wouldn’t ask for your approval.” He avoids looking Roxy and Callie in the eyes.

“Well that’s great, Davey! I’m so glad. You’ve become such an independent young man. Gosh, they grow up so fast don’t they, Callie?” They nod solemnly as they play along with this scenario. “I remember when I would change your diapers and sing you lullabies and now you’re growing up and getting married already. Golly, what is a parent to do? Oh, I do hope you will take care of Roxy and I in our old age.” Roxy giggles to himself.

“God you guys would be so embarrassing as parents.”

Roxy fake gasps, putting a hand to his chest. “Davey Dumbass Strider! I am shocked and appalled! Acting as if we didn’t adopt you ourselves when you mysteriously appeared on our doorstep in a basket! We took you in and raised you as our own! We’ve been taking care of you our whole lives! Don’t be so ungrateful, young man.” He puts his hands on his hips.

Dave stifles his laughter. “I take it back, you guys would be great parents. 11/10 in the irony game, would get adopted again.” He’s smiling genuinely. “Y’all are great, I love you.”

“Daww, we love you too, Davey.” Roxy and Callie both hug him. “You’re the best son in the world.” Dave laughs for real this time as he leans in to their embrace.

Chapter Text

Karkat wakes up late, but that’s okay because he doesn’t get sleep often enough (that’s what Dave says anyway.) He has a few peaceful moments of silence before he hears the front door open. That’s weird, is Dave done spending time with June already? He said he’d probably be over all day. Karkat gets up and walks out of the bedroom. He catches sight of shades for a split second before his mouth opens in a yawn and his vision blurs. “Dave? That you?”

He hears giggling in a voice that’s just a little too low-pitched to be Dave. “Guess again, Karkitten!” He opens his eyes to the technicolor nightmare that is Davepeta’s existence. “Oh, hey, ‘peta.” And they’ve disappeared. Karkat looks around cautiously before he feels them rest their arms on his head from behind. He loudly sighs.

“So what’ve you been up to, kitty?” They float upside-down in front of him. “Uh, sleeping.” They laugh. “No, I mean what’ve you and Dave been up to?” They wiggle their eyebrows and wink suggestively. Karkat stumbles back. “Nothing that you’re thinking! Your halves are bad influences on each other, fuck, Jade is a bad influence on you! What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing is wrong with me! Clearly, something’s wrong with mew, cuteass.” They giggle to themself. “Hehe, cuteass with a cute ass.”

“Are you flirting with me?!”

“Noooo, that would make Dave jealous! And I’d never want to anger your boytoy.They boop his nose and wiggle their eyebrows again, and from the way they smile he can tell they’re actively trying to get on his nerves.

Karkat’s face is bright red. “What the fuck! He’s not- I- Why! Why would you say this! Who decided to give you a voice box?!”

“Me, and I’m saying it because I can tell you like it, and I can tell you like him. They give him a clear view of their fangs. Karkat blushes and looks away. “I do not like Dave.”

“Oh? You don’t? So you’d be fine if I were to hit on him?”

“NO!”

“Aw but Kat! Baby, he’s sooo cute!”

“Wh-? Isn’t that narcissistic?!”

“Nooo, I may be half of him but I’m still my own person. What, why? You jealous you can’t hit on an alternate version of yourself? I know that you wanna be your own kismesis, kittykat.”

Karkat thumps his head against the wall. “This isn’t happening. I- I do not like Dave.”

“Hmm? You don’t? That’s too bad because he likes you, sugar.” They put their arm around his waist.

“What.”

“You heard me, puddin’.”

Karkat desperately tries to process this situation. Dave is… into him? They could be lying. Making fun of him for ironic purposes. Or maybe it was only their timeline’s version of Dave that had a crush on him and they’re basing it off of their own attraction and his version of Dave doesn’t feel the same as them. Or maybe they think his crush is funny and they’re flirting to get a laugh. Fuck. Fuck. (Don’t cry.)

“He doesn’t have a crush on me. Get out of my house if you’re just going to be a lying asshole.” He’s on the verge of tears and they seem to realize they went too far.

Davepeta is frowning. They pet his shoulder. “Shh, shh, shh! No, I didn’t mean to- I wasn’t- Karkat I’m sorry.” They hug him gently and rock him back and forth. “Ugh, it doesn’t matter what I was trying to do, I’m sorry Karkat. I hurt your feelings and made you feel like shit. What- what can I do to fix this, Katty?” They card their nails through his hair and wipe away his tears.

“Uh, can you... spend the day hanging out with me?”

They rub their cheek against his like a cat to calm him down, “of course.”

Spending the day with Davepeta is nice. He’d never really spent a lot of time with them, kind of had an aversion to them because of guilt over Nepeta, he assumed they wouldn’t want to talk to him in the first place. But here they are, chill, and reminding him of the past.

He’s laying on the floor with them, they have a crayon in hand and they’re scribbling shipping charts across a piece of paper. “-And gosh, shipping is even better now because I have ideas of both human and troll romantic values! It opens up so many opportunities.” They scribble some weird lines around a diamond. “I call this one the bromance quadrant. Made it myself. Purretty goddamn epic, right?”

“If you love butchering quadrants I suppose.”

“Well guess who loves butchering quadrants now?!” They point to themself. “This catbird.” They’re purring in self-satisfaction.

Karkat rolls his eyes, but he can’t deny their weird confidence is kind of cute. “I missed this, even if you’re not entirely Nepeta.” He sighs. “I’m… sorry I couldn’t save you.”

They hug him. “Hey, shh, no, kitkat, I’m okay! It’s not your fault Gamzee decided to be such a murderous clown-freak.” A growl comes into their words and they hug him tighter. “It’s okay now. I have my bro slash moirail- brorail?- back and I’m happier than I ever was before.” They rub their face against him again. “Anyway! What I was thinking is that Vriskers and Rose or Purrezi and Rose have good potential for a blackrom! Though maybe June and Purrezi would be better? Hmm. What do you think, KittyKat?”

“Hm. Vriska and Rose were at each other’s throats on the meteor, so there’s definitely a foundation there. But Rose and Kanaya also have a relationship that’s like a quadrant mix? There’s some blackrom in their relationship and pale stuff with a major redrom influence.”

“Good point, good point. What about Tez and Junipurr though?”

“They definitely have a blackrom going on. No arguing that. June is trying to deny it so hard but we all know she’s got it bad.”

“Oh defurnitely.”

They talk romance the rest of the day.

Chapter Text

Dave wakes up in the middle of the night to hear noise in the kitchen. He looks over in bed to see Karkat still sleeping soundly. Shit. Hopefully he can take care of whatever this is himself.

He tiptoes out of the bedroom, sneaking across the carpet like this brings up some unfortunate memories but he powers through it. He peers into the kitchen, the only light is coming from the open fridge. He sees the outline of someone and follows them carefully behind his shades. The figure is… raiding his fridge? He catches sight of red cat-eye glasses. Oh my god. “Terezi, what the fuck?”

“Hello to you too, David.” She gives him a wide grin, her arms full of leftovers and takeout boxes. “I see you’re, uh, all dressed for the night.” She cackles as she eyes the familiar sweater Dave is wearing.

His face heats up. “I’m-! Y’know what, whatever! Terezi, why are you stealing food? Karkat works hard to make this shit, you know.”

She puts the food down and takes a seat at the table. “I think a better question is: why aren’t you eating it?” She crosses her arms. “Answer me that, why don’t you?”

“Because it’s the middle of the fucking night?! I was going to eat some of it for breakfast.”

“Oh really, like what? Because as far as I know you haven’t even looked at this food.”

“Terezi, can you just get out of my kitchen?”

She crosses her legs. “Nope! I’ve decided that I am not moving from this spot until we talk about your Karkat issues.”

“What fucking ‘Karkat issues’? Karkat and me are chill as two bros can be.”

“That’s just the thing, though. You’re ‘human bros’ as you say, but you’re much, much closer than that in actuality.” She looks way too smug. Or maybe that’s her natural expression.

“No, we’re not. Why do I keep having to explain this to everyone?”

“Dave, I know you don’t want to confront this because of your human sexuality issues, but I promise you that I have your best interests in mind. I saw how you two interacted on the meteor. I know you thought I was ignoring the two of you, but I’d studied you, you two are close. You work perfectly together, even when you’re apart you talk like each other, you bring the other up. You’re great for each other.”

Dave almost denies everything on impulse. But then he takes a breath to think about it genuinely. And he realizes that she’s right. He and Karkat have become really close, they have each other’s backs, god, they fucking live in the same house. That’s not something bros do unless they’re in college and picking up chicks and stuff. God. “Fuck, you might actually be right here.”

Terezi leans back with a smile on her face. “That’s the spirit, Strider. You really should believe me when I say I have your best interests in mind.” She picks up a jug of milk from the table and drinks from it. Dave cringes.

“Terezi, oh my god. Why.”

“You have to trust my methods.”

“I hate this conversation. I don’t even want to talk about this. It’s 2am.”

She sighs and leans her head against her hand. “We’ll talk more later, for now, however,” she picks up the jug of milk she drank from, “I am going to steal your milk.”

She pats him on the back.

“Good luck, Dave.” And with that, she’s gone. (She literally just jumped out the window what the fuck.)

Dave puts his head into his hands. “What the fuck was that encounter.”

And now he has to put away all the shit she took out before it spoils. This is going to be a long night.

-

Terezi walks into her hive.

“Soooooooo, how’d it go?” Vriska is laying on the couch in her Marquise coat, her hair comfortably tied back. She was probably getting ready for bed.

She sighs, setting a half-full jug of milk on the table, leaving it to spoil. “Not good, Vriska.” She says. “Well, I mean, I think Dave’s a step closer, but he’s not quite budging. He can be so hard to get through to because of his human irony schtick! And I think he has some issues from his wrigglerhood to work out.” And despite her best efforts she’s scowling. She lays her head on the arm of the couch.

Vriska rubs her arm and grabs a blanket off their pillowfort to cover her with. “Let me try, then. I have a plan.”

“Hell yeah.” Terezi takes off her glasses and yawns, she is so ready for sleep.

Chapter Text

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
AG: Kaaaaaaaarkaaaaaaaat!!!!!!!!
AG: W8ke up, stupid!
AG: Kaaaaaaaat.
AG: Come onnnnnnnn.
CG: WHY ARE YOU BEING SO ANNOYING.
AG: 8ecause I want to 8e.
AG: Anyway
AG: Let me in!!!!!!!!
CG: LET YOU IN WHERE. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU.
AG: Outside your house you dummy!!!!

God, she just called him a dummy, she’s getting rusty on her insult game.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK? WHY ARE YOU OUTSIDE MY HOUSE?!
AG: Just open the door okay!
CG: FINE!
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]

 

Karkat opens the front door. “Oh my god you’re actually here.” He slams it in her face.

“Open up you fucker!” She bangs on the door.

“FUCK NO! GO AWAY YOU ASSHOLE!”

She rolls her eyes, so they’re playing it this way, huh? Well, going through the front entrance is just a courtesy, she can disregard it for now. For now… she eyes the window.

It doesn’t take much to get the lock open, which is… kind of concerning. She should tell them about that. Later. For now she has to get Karkat to confess his stupid feelings so he and Dave can get together and so that Terezi stops being so depressed over their dumb asses. She doesn’t care how Dave and Karkat feel, she swears.

Climbing through a window isn’t a foreign concept to her, which also might be concerning, but fuck, FLARPing was hardcore! She didn’t have time to be polite! She lands on the floor with a soft thump that she hopes is inconspicuous. She takes a second to scope out their house, she’s not exactly invited over willingly very often, so she doesn’t have a solid idea of what everything looks like.

There’s a few movie posters, some of that stupid webcomic Dave makes taped to the wall, a… surprisingly well-drawn framed portrait of Karkat smiling (signed by Dave), and a whole lot of other junk. She finds Karkat lingering in the kitchen, a grumpy look on his face, scrolling through something on his phone. She shuts the window she came through and that gets his attention.

“What the fuck! I just told you to go away and now you’re breaking in! What the fuck is your issue?!”

“Geez, chill out Karkat, it’s nothing bad this time.”

“THEN WHY COULDN’T IT WAIT?! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO WAKE ME UP AT 6AM?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED AT 6 FUCKING AM?!”

She rolls her eyes. “I need you to stop being such a fucking wimp!”

“YEAH, I’M AWARE I WAS A SHITTY FUCKING LEADER, YOU DON’T NEED TO-!”

“Not that, Scaredy Kat! I’m talking about the fact that you have a crush on Dave and you haven’t confessed after aaaaaaaallll these years. That’s fucking wimpy as hell!”

“I- What?! Why are you of all people concerned about this?! You have nothing to gain from it! Unless… oh my god you made a bet didn’t you. Who’s it with? Come on, I’m going to find out eventually!”

“It’s not for a bet, it’s for your own fucking mental wellbeing. You’re being a coward, Karkat.”

“Again, it’s none of your fucking concern! None of your business! Just go away and lose that bet you made, because it’s not happening, he’s not interested and he never will be!” He takes a shaky breath.

Vriska takes a seat by him, mirrors his posture. “Karkat Vantas, you are a complete fucking idiot.”

“Well I didn’t exactly need you telling me to know that!”

“Let me finish what I was saying, you fucking dipshit. You and Dave belong together. On the meteor, you two spent a lot of fucking time together! Nothing could tear you apart! Nothing still can. Look around Karkat, you share a house, you hang out all the time, you’re affectionate in public. The only real thing left to do here is to make your relationship official.” She sighs. “And, listen, I know I’ve been... not great, but I’m on your side here! Listen. I believe in you in this.”

She hugs him.

“I know you can do this, Babykat.”

He shakily hugs her back. “Thanks.”

She pats his head patronizingly as she walks away. “Good luck!”

And with that, she hops out the window.

God, he hopes she can like, pass that luck on or something. He’s going to need it.

Chapter Text

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

GC: H3Y

GC: D4V3’S GONN4 N33D YOUR H3LP W1TH SOM3 STUFF.

TT: Let me guess.

TT: You’re one of the ones who tried pushing him into confessing his feelings and now he isn’t talking to you, so now you want my help.

GC: K1ND OF.

GC: 1 4LSO STOL3 H1S M1LK.

TT: Uh. Okay. I don’t see how that’s relevant.

TT: Wait, hold up.

TT: Did that hurt his feelings?

TT: Did you get him to literally cry over spilt milk?

TT: Or stolen milk, I guess?

GC: NO. 1 JUST STOL3 1T. >:]

GC: 4H SH1T 1 FORGOT TO ST34L TH3 R3ST OF TH31R FOOD. >:[

GC: GODD4MN1T.

TT: Hm.

TT: So what’s your big plan for me?

TT: Should I force him and Karkat to confess at the same time or should I just yell at him until he budges?

TT: Or do you have other horrible and traumatic courses of action?

GC: NOTH1NG TR4UM4T1C TH1S T1M3.

TT: This time?

GC: JUST T4LK TO H1M, H3’LL L1ST3N TO YOU. H1S M41N H4NG-UPS 4R3 4ROUND H1S HUM4N SEXU4L1TY 1SSU3S. WH1CH, 1F 1’M NOT M1ST4K3N, W3R3 C4US3D BY 4N 4LT3RN4T3 YOU.

TT: Are we simply sweeping the whole ‘this time’ statement under the rug?

TT: Oh shit.

TT: God, I’m such a fucking asshole.

GC: 4LT3RN4T3 YOU W4S. W3 4R3 NOT OUR 4LT3RN4T3 S3LV3S, D1RK.

TT: So you want me to just… talk to him.

GC: T4LK TO H1M, T3LL H1M 4BOUT 1SSU3S YOU H4V3 H4D. 1F H3 G3TS 4PPROV4L TO, 1 DON’T KNOW, B3 H1MS3LF FROM YOU 4ND YOU GUYS T4LK 1T OUT TH3N YOU’LL 4T L34ST H4V3 H3LP3D H1M WORK THROUGH SOM3 TR4UM4.

GC: C’MON D1RK.

TT: Okay, okay.

TT: I’ll do it.

GC: GL4D TO H34R 1T.

GC: >:]

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

 

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TT]

TT: Hey Dave.

TT: We have something we need to talk about.

TT: Alone.

TG: well shit thats not ominous as hell

TG: lemme just clear my schedule for the rest of forever for what is clearly going to be my kidnapping slash murder

TG: hey june yknow that raincheck we took yeah thats just gonna have to wait for the rest of forever

TG: wait alone alone or can i bring my emotional support karkat

TT: Alone alone.

TG: aw shit im getting murdered for real

TT: Relax, if I was going to kill you you’d just come back.

TT: Unless you’ve done some bad shit, so in that case have fun with your Just death.

TG: that doesnt exactly make you seem less suspicious man

TT: Can I come over or not?

TG: wait youre coming over here

TT: Yeah, is that okay?

TG: uhhhh lemme ask kat cuz hes gonna need somewhere to go if we do this at my place

TT: Why’s Karkat over?

TG: uhh we live together dude

 

Oh. He’s in deep.

 

TT: Oh. Okay.

 

It’s about 15 minutes before Dave responds again.

 

TG: ya hes cool

TG: gonna spend some time over at tz and vriskas and play some games or something

TT: Alright, I’m heading over.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Dirk knocks on the door and hears a shout of, “Come in!”

Dave is sitting on the couch in what look like his pajamas. And by his pajamas he means an oversized sweater that is very clearly Karkat’s, quadrant boxers that are also very clearly Karkat’s, and thigh-high cat socks… which are probably his but only for ironic purposes.

“Dude, are you watching a romcom?” The tv is playing one of those dumb scenes where the characters are like ‘it’s not what it looks like, let me explain!’ and the other character storms off before they can and the protagonist has to spend the rest of the movie winning their love back.

“Oh, yeah, I guess. I’m just used to letting them play in the background most of the time cuz Karkat likes to watch them when we’re cuddling. Sorry, I’ll pause it.”

“Nah, it’s fine.” He sits down next to him. They watch in silence for a bit before Dave turns down the volume.

“So what do you need to talk to me about that’s so urgent, man?” Dave looks pretty chilled out, and Dirk doesn’t want to be the one to ruin that but it looks like he really has no choice. This conversation is going to be at least a little awkward no matter how he frames it.

Dirk turns to him. “I... feel like I kinda messed you up as a kid,” Dave frowns, “even if it was just an alternate version of me. Like, you did come out as trans and gay and stuff, and that takes a lot of confidence, but you're still like. Fuck, I don't know what I’m saying here.”

“Yeah, I think I get what you're saying. Like I... okay so there's kinda this thing I've been denying to myself lately because it's kind of scary to think about. I,” he takes a second, looks away. “I kind of think I like... Karkat?” He looks at Dirk like he’s waiting for him to explode at him. “Um, yeah. But I’ve been scared to say anything because he’s like, my best friend in the fucking world. I’d do anything for him.” He looks like he’s daydreaming, and then he snaps out of it. “But, um, y’know.” He coughs.

“I hear everyone’s been hounding you about it.”

“Yeah, it fucking sucks. I want to tell him but I feel like it’s everyone else pushing me that’s making me want that now. I don’t know. I feel like I’ll mess it all up if I do tell him, but I’ll regret it if I don’t.”

“Well, Karkat’s a romantic, right?”

“I see where you’re going with this.”

“Take him out somewhere nice, do a bunch of that romantic shit he loves, treat him all sweet and confess while looking right into his eyes and he’ll fall for you like nothing else.”

“God,” Dave covers his face. “I’ll fucking try, man.”

“That’s the spirit.”

Karkat storms in at that moment. “Okay, so as it fucking turns out Vriska and Terezi’s definition of playing games is teaming up and beating my ass in Troll Smash Bros. over and over again, and then beating my ass in real life because they wanted to relive their fucking FLARP days! It’s fucking bullshit! Who does that without asking?! What the fuck.”

Dave starts giggling like mad, wiping a fake tear already at Karkat’s antics. “Tell me about it, babe.”