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I Know You're Wondering When

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      The bedroom is dimly lit, thanks to the blackout curtains. There’s hardly enough light to see but the two of them don’t need the light to feel their way around one another. They’ve been doing this long enough to know that they should steer clear of the end table by the bed, Buck’s banged his side there enough times to know that by now. Their clothes are long gone when he pushes Eddie down onto their bed, heart beating a staccato rhythm in his chest. Buck leans over Eddie, caging him in with his arms as he tries to commit this image of the man he loves in his mind, a soft smile gracing his kiss swollen lips, warm sun-kissed skin stretching over thick muscles, legs spread just enough that he’s cradling Buck’s body closely. Buck leans forward, tongue swiping out over heated skin, his lips pressing down over Eddie’s beating heart. The sound that escapes those lips stirs something hot deep inside of him. The very thought of almost losing him, of never seeing him again, sends a course of want through his body. Buck surges up, hauling Eddie into a harsh kiss, and everything seems to melt away for a while. He loses himself in every touch, every sound, every kiss that he can take. Buck swallows down the gasp that escapes those lips as he pushes inside of Eddie’s body. There is no pause in his frantic movements, not even when he feels warm hands grasping onto his hips in a bruising grip. Buck sinks into Eddie over and over, each sound that Eddie makes only encouraging him. It’s the sight of dark eyes suddenly shining gold, sharp teeth sinking into that plump bottom lip looking up at him in awe, that has Buck rolling his hips harder, faster, with more precision.   


Evan …” 


Buck can feel it when Eddie’s entire body tenses as his head tilts back and he shouts, white streaks painting his chest and stomach. Buck drops down heavy onto Eddie’s body, still thrusting, whimpering as he chases his release. A strong arm wrapped around his back, a heated hand cups his neck, encouraging words whispered against his sweat-slicked skin. Eddie’s turning his face so that he can see those hooded eyes shining gold, pleading with him to give in. Eddie leans up, his tongue swiping at Buck’s mouth, pulling him into a deep filthy kiss. It’s then that Buck can feel his stomach clench, boiling heat spreading out. Pulling away from Eddie’s sweet mouth, he cries out, gasping mid-thrust as his mind just whites out. 




   As the haze of sleep-induced sex is finally cleared from his mind, Buck takes a moment to assess his own body. He feels unwound, grounded in a way he hadn't before. Glancing around the room he can see the sun’s gotten a little lower than before, but not by much. Eddie is asleep, warm body curled around his own. They’re both clean, must’ve happened when he was out of it. Eddie looks so beautiful and relaxed, Buck can’t help but reach out, the tips of his fingers dancing over muscular arms, up across his shoulders. He pressed a gentle kiss to his temple. This is the man that he loves with every cell in his body, he can’t imagine his life without him or his son. 


Something inside of him stirs in warning, and Buck frowns as he glances around the room but can’t find anything out of the ordinary. Being really careful not to disturb Eddie, he slowly slides out of his arms and grabs a pair of sweatpants, pulling them on. Buck closes the door to the bedroom but not before placing a hand on it, muttering under his breath as a soft glow is emitted from his skin. He makes his way down the hall and into the living room.


“There was no need to lock the door, I’m not here to harm anyone.” The low tone may have been trying to reassure him but that doesn’t mean shit to Buck, who in the last twenty-four hours has been through some weird stuff. There, standing in the middle of the living room is a familiar figure dressed in a black suit, blue tie, and a dark tan trench coat. There’s a slight tickle in his mind and Buck has to take a breath, swallow down the fear that’s building inside of him. “You here to make me forget again?”


“Is that what you want, Evan?” The man tilts his head to the side, eyes seeming to peer right into his soul. It’s a little unnerving. 


Buck glances back at the door that he’d just locked, then towards the other door that’s partway open, a colorful drawing taped to the front side. He looks back towards the living room where he can see picture frames decorating the TV stand. Images of Christopher and Eddie with him at the park, one of Christopher sitting on Buck’s lap during dinner at Athena and Bobby’s, head tilted to the side, a huge grin on his face. Another with the three of them curled up on the sofa, watching something on Buela Isabel’s TV. It would be easy enough to say yes, to have this man push a fog over any memory that’s tinged with the supernatural. He could go on living a happy life with Eddie and Christopher none the wiser but it would also mean… His stomach rolls violently at the thought of what forgetting would mean for him this time. Buck would forget what Eddie and Christopher were, forget the smallest things that made them who they are as a whole. It’s that punch to the gut that has Buck shaking his head. He couldn’t do that to them, Eddie had told him how he agonized for months over telling him that they werewolves. 


“No,” Buck means it with all his heart, he didn’t want to do any damage to the life he has here. “No, I wanna remember.” Still, something is bugging him as he sifts through the last time he met with this man. Buck brings a hand up to his ribs. “You said they couldn’t find me.” 


“I did.” The man insists with a nod of his head.


Buck couldn’t shake the feeling that something was being kept from him. It wasn’t the first time a demon had called him ‘ baby hunter ’. Buck was never given the chance to become a hunter, not after his dad ripped him away from his mom’s family. The memories of his past have come back, he can now access them with ease. There’s just one thing that keeps coming back. “Why do they call me baby hunter?” 


“You know why,” 


“I don’t.” Buck shakes his head vehemently. There’s nothing in his memories to indicate otherwise. 


“You do,” the man insists with an irritating bland tone.


“I’m telling you I DONT .” Buck worries that he’s made too much noise and looks back sharply towards the locked door, ears straining to pick up any sound, any indication that he’s woken, Eddie. He sighs in relief when there’s nothing more than the sound of deep, even breathing. When he turns back around the man is right in front of him, he has to hold still to keep from flinching. Bold blue eyes seem to see right into him, and the man reaches up to place two fingers against his temple. There’s a moment where Buck can’t breathe as something warm slinks around his mind, there’s a whisper of words echoing around him before he hears a soft click. For an instant, his answer is in his grasp… and just like that, a blinding sharp pain cuts across his mind. Leaving Buck gasping for air as his knees buckle, suddenly he’s on the floor. 


“I’m sorry Evan, you weren’t meant to know.” his voice is filled with regret as he apologizes. 


Castiel. That’s the man’s name. Buck’s can feel the flush of heat in his face, his eyes sting with tears. The man who appeared in his life when he was just barely cognizant enough to understand the world. Who came to him in Brazil with the full intent to kill him but instead wound up protecting him, by offering him a way out without even knowing it. 


“What just happened?!” Buck turns his sight away from the woman on the floor, to the man who appeared in their room, holding the strangest weapon in his hand. He doesn’t think he’s going to get an answer, suddenly the man in the trench coat is right in front of him placing both hands on his skin. Buck’s crying out as a burning sensation spreads through his ribs, the man is speaking another language. It only lasted a few seconds but it hurts like hell. Leaving Buck crumbling to his knees, gasping for air.  


“What the hell did you do to me?” 


“Now they can’t find you.” The man answers blandly, as he reaches down, two fingers touching his temple. Buck grips his wrist before anything can happen. 


“What does that mean, what…” 


“Trust me, Evan, it’s better this way.” There’s a warm sensation slinking through his mind, the kind that hits you when you’re just about to sleep. “I promise no harm will come to you.” 


It wasn’t the first or last time he’d need Castiel to do that for him. This, however, was the first time he’d ask not to forget. Later he would look back and wish he had. 




   Three days later he was regretting not having that conversation with Eddie. It wasn’t like he’d been doing it on purpose, things just kept piling up, work, familial obligations, well-meaning friends. Buck’s senses going into overdrive, which in hindsight, he should have seen coming. It’s at work when it all comes apart and Buck can’t even put the blame on anyone else. Eddie corners him inside the station by the locker room doors. Buck knew that he should have talked to him about what’s been going on after that first night. After Castiel had left him with a warning, all Buck could do was go back to the bedroom and hold onto Eddie.


“What’s going on Buck, you’ve been jumpy for three days now.” 


Eddie’s not wrong, he’s been feeling off since that day he’d chosen to not suppress his memories, and the fact that Jo is still hanging around his place didn’t help. He’d forgotten how observant she was. Buck didn’t know how to explain to either of them that his senses going into overdrive. Just this morning he’d almost yelled at Christopher for doing nothing more than scraping the bottom of his plate, using his spoon as a musical instrument.  “Nothing’s going on.” Buck feels like such a jerk for lying to Eddie but he doesn’t know where to begin explaining anything. It just kept getting worse the longer their shift went on. Buck finds himself being irritated by the smallest things now. It's like since his memories came back, his senses are ramping up. On their last call, Cap and others thought it was a miracle that he heard a kid screaming five flights up, but what he couldn't tell them was that it felt like she was right in his ear.


“You know I thought we were past this.” Eddie sounds so disappointed in him. 


It makes something sour stir in his gut, even as he opens his mouth to deny it, to pass it off as just another thing Eddie’s making a big deal of. Buck knows it’s the wrong thing to do. “Past what?” 


Eddie frowns at him, hazel eyes filled with hurt, shifting gold for a split second. “Keeping things from one another.” 


“Eddie, I’m not...” 


 “I was gonna wait for you to come around and talk to me but after this morning...” Eddie takes a step forward closing the space between them. That hurt melts into a steady stream of anger now. 


“What are you talking about?” Buck knew exactly where Eddie was going with this, it made his insides feel cold. 


Don't,” he stabs a finger at Buck's chest, right where his heart beats fiercely. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Eddie’s anger is coming off him in waves, and Buck can’t blame him. “You think I didn’t see how you were with Chris.” 


Bucks feels the tip of his ears burn, his heart stutters at the memory of Christopher banging his spoon against his plate, how Buck had called his name a little too sharply. Guilt eats at his conscious, as he pictures Christopher’s face-melting from happy to something like fear... it makes his stomach roll, he’s never done that before. That weak apology and the excuse he gave about his head hurting may have fooled Christopher, but it didn’t fool his father. “Eddie I’m…” 


He waves off anything he might have tried to say. “I don’t need an apology Buck, I need the truth.” Eddie stands tall and ready to hear what he has to say. Buck can see it and yet there’s this fear running rampant inside of him. He only has half the answers because someone made it that way. Someone more powerful than Castiel has put a moratorium on the one memory he needed. He knows even before he opens his mouth, it’s gonna be another lie. Unfortunately so does Eddie. 


“Stop... If you can't be honest with me… don’t even bother.” Eddie shakes his head disappointment practically fills the air between them as Eddie turns to walk away. “You’re a shitty liar on a good day, Buck.”


Buck can feel the cold hurt inside of his body seep and spin into a ball of rage. His fingers curl into tight fits, fingernails digging into the palm of his hands as he tries not to say anything stupid. Buck knows deep down inside that they’re both hurting for different reasons. Still doesn’t stop the words from slipping out of his mouth. “I’m not the one who hid who he was.” It’s low and barely above a whisper but he knows they hit home, and just like that, the rage spins into fear again. What the hell was wrong with him?!


Eddie freezes in place, just a few feet away, under the loft, facing the gym area. Buck can tell Eddie heard his words, watches as his stiff body turns slightly in his direction. Wolves have great hearing. He was stupid to forget that. Closes his eyes as he tries like crazy to find a way to fix this mess. “Eddie…” his voice cracks, eyes sting with tears, lips trembling. The look on Eddie’s face… it feels like someone just punched him in his chest, and he was responsible for putting that devastating expression in those hazel eyes.  


The alarm rings out signaling another call, Buck takes all of a minute or two to swallow down the pain and fear that’s been coursing through his veins. He can’t take this with him out there. As he grabs his gear, Buck takes several deep breaths and boards the truck. Eddie doesn’t even look at him as he sits across from him. Buck wonders if this is the day he loses everything he’s built for the past three years. All because he was afraid of being honest about something he’d barely begun to understand himself.