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For the Record

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Stardate 1313.5 [Begin Recording]

Anathema: This is Doctor Anathema Device, CMO of the USS Eden compiling this report on behalf of First Officer Anthony Crowley and Captain Aziraphale Fell regarding the incident on Bouillabaisse Prime. In concordance with regulation 45.1A: Interference of Non-Federation Beings, I am the certified 3rd party who will attest to their firsthand account and provide pertinent medical results.

 

Stardate 1312.3 [Begin Recording]

Crowley: This is first officer Anthony Crowley of the USS Eden, compiling this report in conjunction with Captain Fell.

Aziraphale: Regarding the incident on Bouillabaisse. Really, Crowley I don’t see why you’re being so formal. We’re never this formal in the reports.

Crowley: Because, captain, you're always an arse about the regulations.

Aziraphale: That’s quite rude. You’ve never complained before.

Crowley: That's because my mouth is usually otherwise occupied in your company, Captain.

Aziraphale: Crowley! We are recording.

Crowley: That's quite right. Apologies, Captain. I've been a bad officer.

Aziraphale [clears throat]: Back to the topic at hand, we were recently sent to conduct diplomatic relations with the inhabitants of Bouillabaisse Prime. It was going quite well. At first.

Crowley: I'd say it was going rather boringly, but then we received a directive from the locals. And let me just say, the relations remained deeply diplomatic. Oh, the things I do for science and diplomacy.

Aziraphale: How were we supposed to know that the Bouillabaissians had certain cultural expectations? I don’t appreciate your tone. It’s certainly not my fault.

Crowley: I'm going out on a limb here, but we could have asked what the heaven was going on on their soup planet.

Aziraphale: That is Pepper’s job. It wasn’t in the reports.

Crowley: She must have misunderstood. Or didn't like the sociological implications of such an act.

Aziraphale: Perhaps you’re right. Though I would have appreciated some warning before having to, you know, fish with you in front of the landing party.

Crowley: I did give you a warning, Captain. I said, I'm prepared for an invasion. Clear. It's ancient Vulcan for TLB, which is tender loving buggery.

Aziraphale: Vulcans do not say that.

Crowley: Sure, captain. Touchy Lascivious Business.

Aziraphale [sniffs]: Truly Lewd Behavior.

Crowley: Exactly, captain! Vulcan elders applaud you.

Aziraphale: Regardless. [muffled] Crowley please, we are recording, stay on your side of the table.

Crowley: Wanna watch you disregard them… Captain, I can't show my lewd behavior on my side of the table, respectfully.

Aziraphale: Respectfully, we need to finish this report and then you can be on my side of the table.

Crowley: Good Someone! We're on opposite sides of the table! Who arranged for such a monstrosity!

 

Stardate 1313.6 [Continue Recording]

Anathema: Dr. Device again. Sorry about that. They can be...well, you work with them. You know how they can be.

Crowley: Yes, Dr Device, you should know. All the crew bloody knows.

Anathema: You sure about that? Perhaps one particular person of the crew doesn’t know...

Crowley: Half Vulcan, me. Sure of anything. At least 50% of the time.

[Anathema groans]

Anathema: I cut out about two minutes of audio but it was just them bickering. Nothing pertinent.

Crowley: I’ll show you pertinent.

 

Stardate 1312.4 [Continue Recording]

Aziraphale: Crowley, please. Just say your part of the story so we can finish this and…you know.

Crowley: I don't. I don't like not knowing. I know everything! Elaborate, captain.

Aziraphale: Go back to your quarters and… discuss these events. In private.

Crowley: What, now? In the middle of the recording? Where is my captain and what have you done to him? I'm going to quote Whitman now! Oh captain, my captain, our fearful trip is done…

Aziraphale: It has been a long day and you and I both know that we didn’t get to - complete the ritual I suppose. And we can’t exactly do that here.

Crowley: Captain, I can do anything with you. Anywhere. Besides, I came twice. I completed a lot.

Aziraphale: Yes, well, not all of us were so lucky.

Crowley: Not all of us had your cock up their arse, Captain. I'm not complaining, though.

Aziraphale: Crowley, this is an official report, please refrain from use of the word cock.

Crowley: For the record, Captain Fell and I engaged in extremely satisfying anal sex preceded by extremely satisfying rimming, all as a part of a ritual typical of the fish soup people of Bouillabaisse Prime.

 

Stardate 1313.6 [Continue Recording]

Anathema: It is important to note, in accordance with Regulation 45.1A, that this intercourse, though coerced by the Bouillabaissians, was consensual and part of a pre-existing, um, relationship between Mr. Crowley and Captain Fell.

Aziraphale: Relationship? I hardly think that’s what I’d call this…mutually satisfying arrangement.

Crowley: I heard you telling me you wanted more, Captain. You called me your good boy while the fish soup people cheered!

Anathema: Um...

 

Stardate 1312.5 [Continue Recording]

Aziraphale: Yes, yes. Thank you for that wholly accurate summary, Crowley.

Crowley: You're very welcome, Captain. My safe word was stardate.

Aziraphale: For the record - yes, Crowley, the record. Don’t look at me like that - Mr. Crowley did not need to use said safe word.

Crowley: I yelled about stars a lot. I could see them so clearly, all as a consequence of our truly loving - pardon - lewd behavior.

Aziraphale: Crowley, could you please be serious? This is hardly how I wanted the Admiralty to find out about this. In fact, I’d prefer they had never found out about it at all.

Crowley: When we're married by the Admiralty, I'll have you admit to everything, Captain, in your vows.

Aziraphale: I don’t find that very funny, Anthony.

Crowley: Neither do I! Look at my deadly serious face. Marry me, Captain. It's only for the rest of our lives. Your usual manner of dealing with problems will make our marriage a very short one.

[sounds of rustling, chair creaks]

Aziraphale: I am leaving. You - you know how I feel and I don’t appreciate you using it against me like this. I know it’s a difficult situation, but you don’t need to be cruel. We can finish this report once you decide to act like an adult.

Crowley: Adults can get married, Captain. I'm willing to marry you this second.

Aziraphale: Goodbye, Crowley. I will see you on Alpha shift tomorrow.

 

Stardate 1314.8 [Begin Recording]

Anathema: Continuing this report on Stardate 1314.6. I’m joined by First Officer Crowley. Um, Aziraphale didn’t respond to my request to join us. Do you know anything about that, Crowley?

Crowley: I don't have a bloody clue! “I know how he feels”? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I love him like…like I'm not supposed to, and he's a fussy little Earthman! Mom warned me about those, and look at me now!

Anathema: Yeah, it’s pretty pathetic. I’m not going to lie to you.

[Crowley groaning]

 

Stardate 1314.3 [Begin Recording]

Aziraphale: Are you going to behave now?

Crowley: I wasn't before? I'm not the one to run away and let me bugger…worship you for ten hours! I had my tongue up your celestial arse! My proud Vulcan tongue.

Aziraphale: Yes, wonderful, now we all know that I can’t resist your wiles.

Crowley: Oh, my love, you can. I believe in you.

Aziraphale [rustling noises]: Keep your hands to yourself. I am angry with you.

Crowley [muffled]: Aren't you always?

Aziraphale: This is going nowhere. [sighs] I really must do everything myself. Three days ago we beamed down to Bouillabaisse Prime to perform diplomatic overtures with the newly warp capable society. They were friendly and accommodating, however, upon being invited to their evening meal, it became clear that some of their cultural norms did not align with ours. [Crowley snorts] What I am saying is that they had certain expectations regarding the behavior of a leader and his second. Some threats were made. Expectations set. And well…

Crowley: We shagged.

Aziraphale: In front of the crew.

Crowley: Kinky

Aziraphale: Dr. Device has scheduled therapy for the affected individuals and has performed the necessary medical checks upon those involved.

Crowley: You mean you and me?

Aziraphale: I believe that is sufficient. End report.

 

Stardate 1314.8 [Continue Recording]

Anathema: Look, let’s just finish this part of the report and then you can go back to doing… whatever you do. Science stuff.

Crowley: My stuff is very scientific. Just as surely as x=y, every step I take sends the captain into a certain direction… no. It's more like x=-y. Every step I make, sends the captain into an opposite direction.

Anathema: Perhaps you should go to therapy.

Crowley: I love him. It doesn't matter how, when or where he allows me to show it. I just love him.

Anathema: Look, have you told him that? To his face? Not some half-assed declaration of love that’s more an invitation to fight?

Crowley: I did! Countless times! We were fucking during it, but I was sincere! Vulcans don't lie.

Anathema: That is complete and utter bullshit. You lie all the time.

Crowley: I don't.

[Door whooshing]

Aziraphale: Anthony! I demand an explanation.

[Crowley makes a gurgling noise]

Aziraphale: Did you know that I have had not one but five crew members congratulate me on our upcoming nuptials? What have you been telling people?

Crowley: I haven't told a thing to anyone. You didn't agree. Ask the entirely neutral Dr Device here.

Anathema: Did you ever consider it might be because everyone knows Crowley’s in love with you and naturally assumed you’d finally gotten your act together?

Aziraphale: What - in love - that’s not - Vulcans don’t love. Everyone knows that.

Crowley: News to me.

Anathema: Yeah, I don’t know where you heard that.

Aziraphale: But - you - I…

Crowley: What? Told you I loved you when you dragged me to your room that first night! Told you I loved you every night after that! Told you I loved you with your cock in me while the whole crew watched! How much humiliation and doubt do I have to endure before you believe me!?

Aziraphale: You can’t tell me things during intercourse. You know how I get!

Crowley: You don't listen to me when we're not having intercourse! I love you! Regardless of anything, I love you. Loved you the moment you pushed for me to be your science officer. Maybe even before that.

Aziraphale: Oh dear, this is - well, this is very embarrassing.

Anathema [under her breath]: Yeah.

Crowley: Tell me about it! I was top of my class! Treasure to any USS! You, on the other hand, cheated your way into captainship! I love you for it, you bastard. But that doesn’t change that you cheated.

Aziraphale: I told you that in confidence.

Crowley: Yeah, during intercourse! You're the angel of the fleet, and I'm but the dust at your command…. Or feet. It rhymes, so it shouldn't be right.

Aziraphale: You shouldn’t - I’m sorry that I’ve ever made you feel that way. You’re not - you’re so much more than that, Crowley.`

Crowley: I don't fucking care! I want to be your second in command! I want to be your husband! With all my academic glory, that is the only title I truly want.

Aziraphale: Husband…

Anathema: You guys are disgusting.

Crowley: We? He fucked me for years! Pretended I was just a pheromone junkie! And I love him. That mission when he got all dressed up to mingle and almost got himself killed! I saved his gorgeous arse! And what about when he wanted some books from a barely civilized planet? I got him those and saved him, again! I can't court, captain. I can't give you roses and shit! But I'd die for you all the same. And I'd do the dishes, too. Just fucking marry me or acknowledge that I mean something to you!

Aziraphale: Oh, my dear - that’s - darling. Come here.

Crowley: Won't come anywhere until you say something. That you hate me or that you love me. Or that you just want a shag during missions.

Aziraphale: Of course, I love you. You’re perfect! My darling, my sweet. I love you desperately. How could you not know?

[Crowley sobs]

Aziraphale: Crowley!

[Rustling. Moans.]

Anathema: Jesus! I’m still here. Fuck. End recording. END RECORDING!

Stardate 1314.8 [End Recording]