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From Grey Into Golden

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It starts simple enough 

with an arrogant prince and a brave peasant

It starts simple

with playful banter and the beginnings of a friendship

with a challenge and an answer, a fight you should’ve won

 

It becomes complicated

when you risk your life for mine 

prove a better knight than I am

It becomes complicated

when I realise already then, guided by a soft, blue light

that you’re not a friend, nor a peasant

 

It turns unbearable

when I have to watch you with your plump lips so close, so insolent

always blabbering about nothing and everything

It turns unbearable

when you’re kept from me

by the illegal magic

by your more illegal gender

 

It’s peaceful for a moment

when you can finally confess

just before I close my eyes for the first time

and I hear you scream above me

It’s almost peaceful

when I feel you do something desperate with your sorcery

because you can’t wait for millennia

because you know it would drive you mad

 

And then it’s…

 

A thousand lifetimes, a million different stories

A thousand you’s and a thousand me’s

Each different and all the same

Each pair drawn together by fate or by accident

(by magic, probably)

 

Your eyes staring back at mine

Blue except for when they’re yellow

Finding me, no matter how lost

Guiding me, no matter how broken

 

From the first insult

and somehow it’s always that first

always mockery before it’s adoration

To the last breath

whether yours or mine

always gut-wrenching with how it carries the other’s name

 

And somewhere in the middle

the element that changes everything

that always sets the world off her axis

 

Your kiss

sweet and simple

 

In winter when the tips of my ears are frosted over

when my heart is heavy because my father has shut me out again, because I’ve failed my sister

In fall when everything is turning brown and withered

when my mind is tired from the responsibility that I can’t quite lift without you

In summer when the heat is sweltering and I’m agitated and restless

when my body is burning without your hands to cool it

In spring when the flowers are opening and the grass is fresh

when my soul is aching, reaching

almost hearing your name against the hopefulness of the season

 

Through a thousand lifetimes

a thousand springs, summers, falls, winters

After every piece of ashen grey

every miserable, lost, lonely moment 

There’s always you

Kissing the colours back into my world

with your life, your love

your magic 

 

Turning my frozen ears crimson

the autumn leaves auburn

the ocean a blinding azure

the grass a soft emerald

 

And then, once you’ve found me

I get to grow old with you

watch that raven-black hair turn white with age 

see your eyes crinkle with all the smiles you’ve sent me

all the affection you’ve showered me with

And if I’m lucky, I get to leave first and it’s not me who has to wait

pass the time with the gentle pain of the glowing, new memories we’ve created

 

Wait until it all starts over again 

and I’m thrown into a new life, a new body

Familiar and different each time

but always a little lost, a little off

Until you’re there again

Until you find me

 

And the world beats anew

 

And what could’ve been a curse

being reborn endlessly like this

reliving our lives, redoing all our firsts

With you, my darling, my Emrys, my love

with you 

Merlin

It’s a blessing

 

It’s a blessing

when your voice, full of clever disobedience

fills me with playful, childish anger

It’s a blessing

when I get to know your body again

get to melt into it and stay there

the only place I’ve ever really belonged

 

It’s a blessing 

when you pull me

with one brush of your lips over mine

 

from dull greys 

into shimmering, endless golden

 

A blessing

when you stay there with me

and we watch eternity as it unwinds around us

 

A blessing how

you’re never really leaving, never really away

How we’re

never truly lost

 

Never truly disconnected 

from that 

 

which makes us whole