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The King of Wonderland

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David had gotten shitfaced many times in his life, but as far as he was aware this was certainly the first time that it had him running through a park chasing after a goddamn rabbit of all things. It was a little thing, albino too, but it was wearing a tiny fucking set of clothes that caught his attention enough for him to try and grab it. It was a dapper little fucker and drunk David was absolutely entranced by its tiny vest and little top hat.

He groaned as the rabbit dodged his grasp again and darted away from him into a culvert. He dropped to his knees, peering in for a glimpse of his current fixation. Drunk David wanted only one thing at this moment and that was to get his hands on this dapper fuckin rabbit, culvert be damned! He huffed, crawling in right after the pest, his eyes struggling to find where it had darted off to in the dark.

Suddenly, the ground disappeared beneath him and David found himself falling, but he didn’t hit the ground. The tunnel had turned into a massive hole, the cement cutting off leaving him surrounded by dirt walls as his body cut through the air.

"Fuck!" David screamed as he fell, hands frantically reaching out for something to catch him. His eyes widened as his hand grabbed onto and crumpled a cluster of playing cards. He looked to see teapots, cups, playing cards, books, even entire tables suspended around him, hanging in the air on seemingly nothing. His eyes trailed up to watch the objects float above him in shock and confusion before being harshly brought back to the present by a teacup catching him under the jaw.

 

David jerked as the back of his head collided with something else, something hard. Little black dots danced across his vision as he attempted to avoid another hit but a teapot ended up smashing into his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. With a sickening crack, his head smashed into the corner of a table, leaving him blacked out.

When David woke up he found himself at the bottom of the pit on his back, alive and breathing. He felt weird. Rubbing the back of his head, he shakily stood up only slightly hungover now. He paused, his fingers tangling into something in his hair. He tilted his head, looking down and finding that he was no longer sporting his usual clothing.

Atop his head was a headband with a bow slapped on it and the rest of his formal attire was replaced with a blue dress and a white apron. A scoff escaped the man’s lips as he took note of white tights and the black mary janes that had replaced his boots and pants.

"What in the bloody fuck is going on?” he snapped, “What the fuck is this? Where the hell are my clothes?" David looked around and saw, once again, the figure of what seemed to be the rabbit that had led him down the hole staring back at him.

"You!" David snapped, running down the tunnel towards the small creature who quickly scampered away.

David shouted in frustration and continued to spring after the rabbit down to a room where he saw the whitetail slip through a small door. Frustrated, he harshly kicked the now closed door only to jump back in surprise when he heard it emit a yelp.

"Watch where you're kicking asshat!"

David looked around the room confused, but when his eyes landed back in the door he saw a mouth baring its teeth at him on the knob.

It took David’s brain a second to process what just happened. His eyes narrowed as he focused on the knob. “Hello?”

“Down here asshole! Didn’t your mother ever teach you manners? Or were you just too stupid to pick them up?”

"Let me through, cunt!" David snarled back, kicking the door again, earning him another yelp.

"No way! Look at you! You're too fucking fat to fit anyways even if you could! Besides," huffed the door. "You kicked me, not once, but twice!"

David squinted at the door, "You're a fucking door! You’re literally a hunk of wood! You can't feel shit!"

It let out a loud gasp, "Rude! Disgustingly rude! Perhaps I should just let you through so you leave me alone!"

"Maybe you fuckin' should, mate! It’d save us both a lot’a trouble.” " David growled, crossing his arms.

The door huffed, “Well, if you used those useless eyes of yours, you would have noticed the table over there with the conveniently named drinks and treats, idiot. Drink makes you small, treat makes you big. Easy enough, yeah? I hope so, asshat. Hopefully, you know how to read.”

David stomped over to the table, grabbing the glass and looking at the dark purple liquid within it. ‘Drink me’ was painted onto with large, elegant letters, every part of him told him not to listen. He ignored that instinct. If it could get him through that door and out of this goddamn place he’ll take it.

He grabbed one of the treats, frosted with a fancy ‘eat me’, sniffing the concoction that he was about to down. It smelled like that overwhelmingly artificial grape medicine shit he had as a kid and it seemingly had the same viscosity too. Reluctantly, David threw back about half the drink into his mouth.

Quickly, David found himself shrinking. He wasn’t very happy about it, but at least his clothes shrunk with him. The treat though? No, that stayed giant, falling out of his hands as soon as it became too big to hold.

He turned, running as quickly as he could towards the door, but as he continued to shrink he realized he was becoming far too small now.

“Oi! What the fuck?” David shouted at the door, frustrated with this weird magic bullshit.

“Idiot. Not only are you too small to leave now, but now you’re also too small to get the key under the table!” the door cackled.

It was getting a kick out of this.

The door watched David scream as he finally looked back and saw said key. Laughing, it watched him move to the treat to eat a chunk. It only cackled louder as the man grew far too large and was crammed in the small space. David howled in anger.

“Nice pa-” the door began.

“You better stop talking or I’m gonna kick yer’ damn face again, got it?” He snapped, his face reddening.

The door grumbled, but shut its mouth, not wanting to be kicked by the giant man in front of it.

David reached to the side and found the bottle, luckily it still had a bit left in it.

He fumbled for the key under the table, forcefully unlocking the door and pushed it open. He could see a beautiful garden of some sort which was thankfully much more open than the tunnel he was in.

Taking the final last sip of the liquid, he broke a crumb off the treat and dropped it in his apron pocket as he shrunk to an appropriate size. Hurriedly running through the door, ignoring its taunts, David glanced back one last time as he entered the garden. Starting, whether he knew it or not, what was to be a long and odd adventure.