every single of his movement - even his smiles, even his tears, filled to the brim with nothing but frustration and unspoken grief - reeks of solitude; and akihiko whole-heartedly despises how ugetsu intentionally dimmed the ferocity within his gazes into nothing but gentle lies. it only lasts for a brief moment though - it always does. no more than five seconds of withdrawal and temporal tranquility; before ugetsu charged yet again, with even more fierce and cruelty and not even the thinnest ounce of mercy, glares and claws and fangs sinking deep into every breadth of akihiko's being.
he is always so close to ripping akihiko apart; still, he hasn't. the rage comes to a halt as absurbly as how it starts; and but for droplets of blood trickling down ugetsu's flawless chin and the scars that akihiko knows will never ever fade, etched onto his flesh--- well, he would've thought it was nothing but a vivid nightmare.
that is another thing akihiko hates about ugetsu. how he always makes everything seems so surreal, so out of grasp. that even with the fragile pulse at ugetsu's neck beneath his fingers - challenging and tempting and asking to be torn; akihiko still doesn't feel as though ugetsu was real. doesn't feel as though any of this is real.
ugetsu always gives of that aura of something frail, brittle, untouchable - exists only to be admired through a thick layer of glasses and frames. and as much as akihiko wants to cherish and hold him tight in his arms - carefully shielded away from all harm and sorrow; he also wants to break him. to taunt, to defile, to shatter, and to consume him whole.
until ugetsu is but an inseperable part of akihiko - blood and flesh and bone completely merged.
"you never learn, do you, aki?"
akihiko despises the way those slender fingers carefully hoists the bow, with such grace words can never fully describe. how he always straightens his shoulders, chin titled upward in a swift and proud gesture - a warning, a claim of all attention and full devotion from all those pumping hearts that he'll soon trample upon. the rough emotions that overflows from the briefest movement on the strings; chaotic and agonizing, yet sensual, untainted, ethereal. how he always seems to embrace every sound, and let himself drowned in that beautiful, bottomless abyss of his truest and barest self.
and in that process, akihiko's heart too, is always throughouly dissected into small fractions of love and hatred, of incredible envy and immense pity, of desperate yearning and pure spite. laid bare in front of ugetsu's piercing glare, just like a delicious, well-cooked meal ready to be eaten whole.
"aki, hurry, inside---"
he despises the nickname ugetsu always calls him by - such a mundane abbrevation; and yet how he spites the way it keeps resonating against the thin walls within his mind, how it mercilessly tugs at his heart string in a tune so strange yet so familiar.
he despises just how mesmerizing ugetsu always is, swirming and arching and begging beneath him. with that same ferocity in his eyes - just a tint of intoxication to top every off - that always manages to get akihiko more than just a little tipsy. the fluttery of those eyelashes that are as taunting and astounishing as butterflies. the earthy scent of newly bloomed lavenders and happy yet worn picture books and rueful melodies engufling his nose. nails that mercilessly digs deep into his skin - until blood are drawn, a scorching scarlet that still barely competes against ugetsu's touches against his skin. how he greedily, shamelessly begs for more, more, more; sweet, sweet voice singing akihiko's name in a tune too tempting and passionate to be real.
the way akihiko's body fit perfectly into his; as though they were originally one whole soul, born into two seperate bodies merely by mistake.
"i love you."
still, more than anything, he despises the way such three-syllable riff slipped from those lips - that were only used to purring harsh and cruel and scornful and bitter words with the pure intention to cut, to scar, and to mark one permenantly as his own. ugetsu, in spite of the ominous trail of snarls and insults he might or might not have spatted just a moment ago, can still oh-so-easily draw out those loving, sickening sweet words from the back of his tongue - as though the thickest kind of poison that slowly eats away at akihiko. and it hurts, it hurts so much that he can almost feels his heart bleed bit by bit, until all the happiness melts away in the scorching heat of ugetsu's touch, and akihiko was left an empty vessel - unneeded and untended, rotting away in this underground haven they both have the guts to call home.
akihiko hates ugetsu, despises every single fiber of his mere existence. the burning intensity of his glares, the smooth yet jagged edges of his voice that cuts deeper than any kind of knife. how fragile and brittle and breakable he always make akihiko feel, with every prolonged gaze and rough kisses and fingers lingering on his chest, as though debating whether or not they should rip it open and lay his heart bare - as though ugetsu hasn't done that to him on a daily basis already.
akihiko despises them all, and yet---
"... i love you, too."
in the dead silence of that room they share, which barely lets any sunlight in and even less so with the white noise bustling from the outside world. in this isolated lavish bedroom half buried underground, just like his feelings that he obediently swallowed down along the tears and withered petals and the lingering aftertaste of smoke, lavenders and unrequited yearning.
when he feels ugetsu's arms wrapped themselves around his neck - frail, yet firm, as though sealing an unspoken contract that they've been avoiding all this long. in between brief kisses and pretty gasping and the crystalic tears brimming at the corners of ugetsu eyes, the gentle flush on his checks, the bitter sweetness of his tongue, the moans and cries of akihiko's name that sound like the most beautiful concerto to his ears,
akihiko, for a moment, let his heart conquer his mind. and he hears himself whispers, for the zillionth time;
"i love you too, ugetsu."
(and more than anything else, he despises himself. for falling in love with ugetsu, and for remaining in love with him for so long. for letting himself be drugged by those smiles; and for happily complying whenevet ugetsu asks to sink his fangs deeper.)