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Welcome to Hazbin Hell!

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"This is stupid, Vagatha." groaned a certain princess' tired voice.

"It's not! Really, it'll work Charles! Just trust me on this!" Smiled back the moth demon, hugging her girlfriend tightly.

"It'll work."

Charlotte rolled her eyes, but kissed her lover on the forehead.

"Okay, I'll do it. For you."

Grabbing her folders she marched towards the set, exuding a powerful aura.

Standing near the news set was a woman, decked out in a light blue dress with tacky jewelry adorned. Her hair was in a messy ponytail, and her smile widened at the sight of Charlotte.

"Oh oh it's so nice to meet you! I'm a huge fan of you and your works, especially the red rooms! So incredible!" The woman gushed.

The Princess internally retched.

"I'm so glad you're able to guest star on our show! I wasn't even sure if you knew this existed!"

"How would I not after getting the many, MANY, emails from you..." 

"Oh so you did get them! I'm so glad they went through!"

Charlotte only hummed in response.

"Oh where are my manners? I'm Katie Merrymaker, huge fan of yours-"

"You already said that"

"-And it's so amazing that you're here I could literally scream - AAAAAHHHH! Sorry I'm just really excited and-"

Before Katie could continue, Tom whistled her over, signaling they were about to go live.

Katie gave one last smile before dragging Charlotte over to the set and forcefully sitting her down onto a plush red chair. The cameraman counted down till the familiar 666 news jingle played.

"Hello my lovely sinners! I'm Katie Merrymaker!" Announced the peppy demon, smiling.

"And I'm Tom Trench." Said the male demon sitting next to her, equipped with a gas mask and suit. Not too far you could hear a gunshot from..somewhere.

"And today we have a very special guest! Everyone please welcome the princess of hell, Charlotte!" She squealed, clapping enthusiastically.

Charlotte only gave a deadpan stare to the camera and before turning back to Katie as emotionless as before.

"So I heard you have this new project to show off! Please tell us all about it!" She pleaded.

Charlotte just sighed, moving her hair out of her face. This was getting annoying fast. She was about to get up and leave until she saw her girlfriend standing in the crowd behind the camera with a hopeful look.

Charlotte couldn't bring herself to let Vagatha down.

She took a deep breath before letting out her spiel.

"We are going to create a way to get annoying sinners out of hell, through redemption. I have set up a hotel that will help rehabilitate you filthy heathens so that you can finally get out of my hair and go to heaven." It was short, as to be expected of Charlotte, but nonetheless made an impact amongst others.

"I can finally see my ma!"

"I'll be able to be with my daughter!"

"Oh my dearest, I can finally tell you how much I loved you and how sorry I am for killing you!"

Cheers and cries erupted from the crowd.

"This is so stupid." Muttered Charlotte.

Suddenly, there was the breaking news jingle.

Tom immediately took charge as Katie was too busy gushing over how great the princess was.

"Breaking news everyone! There is a turf war going on down in Pentagram Square! Let's look at the news footage, shall we?"

In the live feed showed the local spunky cat demon, throwing cocktail Molotovs at the Egg Men (plus Sir Penny swaddled in a shell). Beside him was none other than hell's laughing stock, Alastor. Alastor was adorning a green palette, including his hair - except for the darkened purple tips.

Upon seeing him, everyone in the studio laughed, especially when he got blasted in the face by a cannon.

Charlotte placed her head in her hands.

"Godammit Alastor....."

Katie moaned lewdly. "Oh I wish the Egg Men would blast me~"

Tom also put his head in his hands.

"Godammit Katie....."

This was going to be a long day.

 

It was a silent drive to the hotel. Husk has long since abandoned Alastor the moment he saw the limo. Alastor was sitting across them, scooting closer every now and then towards them (then getting told to scoot back far away from the two female demons).

It was silent.

.....

"So....." Alastor started.

"Yeah...heh, that was something!" Vagatha tried to add, nervously glancing at Charlotte.

Charlotte only continued to glare at Alastor, causing both of them to shut up the rest of the ride.

 

On arriving to the hotel, both Vagatha and Alastor scurried inside to the nearest couch, offering each other emotional support.

"Well...I seem to have put us in quite the predicament..." mumbled Alastor.

"No no, it wasn't your fault! Turf wars happen! You couldn't have planned it!" Reassured Vaggie.

Charlotte only leaned against the wall, rubbing her temples before getting a phone call.

"Ugh....it's my mom." She let it ring to voicemail.

"Hey sweetie, it's your mother. Um, just wanted to call and let you know that your father would like to speak to you, in person. He isn't mad he just wants to talk! Okay uh....please call back!" And then her mother hung up.

"Maybe you should talk to her-" Alastor started.

"Shut the fuck up, Alastor" retorted Charlotte, cutting him off and leaving him to mumble to himself.

"Okay alright I get it. Don't say anything." He turned off his radio and sulked silently to himself.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Intrigued, the princess went up to it and braved herself to whatever was behind the door.

"Ah fuck."

Standing before her was none other the Spider Demon, Angel Dust. Feared by all in hell, a mafia overlord with many eyes all around the Pentagram.

He had a simple green turtleneck sweater, matching is fur color and exposing his tufts of fluff on his chest. Despite his "modest" appearance, he was a very materialistic guy, owning hell's top porn studio and even his own mansion. He even managed to have a pet pig for crying out loud, which was practically his company logo.

The funny thing about him owning such a lewd business was that he himself wasn't a sexual man. He was sex repulsed and would kill anyone who would make an advance on him, which was a lot. Not that Angel didn't mind killing the poor sinners, that was the best part.

Standing tall in the hotel doorway, looking down upon Charlie greeted ever-so-sweetly "Hello there, toots."

Reality around him warped and stuck to his surface.

"What do you want." Charlotte asked, unfazed.

"Well I heard 'bout this hotel and wanted ta' check it out is all. Got a problem wit' 'dat?" Asked Angel, leaning in closer to the princess.

"No. Come on in." She responded, turning back to her former guests, leaving Angel dumbfounded but pleasantly welcomed.

On seeing the Spider Demon, Alastor immediately hopped from the couch, aiming his mic at the demon.

"Charlotte! What is he doing here?" He asked, voice cracking and shaking.

"He came to check out the hotel." She just nonchalantly said.

"Quite frankly, I am NOT okay with this!" He protested.

"Relax you big lime, I ain't here ta' hurt anyone." Angel insisted.

"Then why are you here....?" Alastor put his guard down a little, confused as to why an overlord would be willing to come to a broken-down place like this.

"Well this hotel is for rehabilitation, right? I was hoping that...." Angel blushed for a moment.

"I was hoping ta' see if there was a chance for me ta' get rehabilitated...." he mumbled.

Vagatha squealed in delight while Charlotte only looked at the Spider Demon with disbelief.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me.....WHY???" Screamed the princess.

"Well..." Angel twiddled his gloved thumbs nervously.

"I want to find that special someone....." he confessed.

"Wait I thought you weren’t sexual!" Accused Alastor, keeping his fair distant away from the overlord.

"I'm not talking about a sexual relationship you stupid fuckin' deer! I want a relationship that's meaningful. Something that is just....love." 

Alastor only gave him a suspicious look before disappearing into the shadows, muttering to himself on the lack of entertainment the spider had brought.

Vagatha went up the the Spider Demon and cooed about his wishes.

"That's so sweet! We'll make sure you're redeemed! You can count on us!" She then turned to Charlotte, hopefully. "Isn't that right, darling!" Charlotte immediately caved in to her, wanting nothing more than her happiness.

"Well I don't think you'll be able to redeem any demons anytime with THIS kinda setup." He motioned to his surroundings. "This place is in the absolute dumps! Needs somethin'...snazzy!" He pulled out a pair of pink sunglasses, and gave them a quick kiss "And I know exactly who can fix this" he said before throwing them in the air.

Before hitting the ground a pink cloud formed, swirling and swirling the glasses in the air until a demon was in its place.

"This is my good pal, Valentino. He'll get this place cleaned right up. Won't ya, Big Vee~...." Angel sneered the last part while Valentino modded hastily.

"Y-Yeah, whateva' ya say, boss...." he gave the hotel a good look before whistling to himself "real big shithole this is...." and rolled up his sleeves before exiting into an unknown room.

"Now every hotel needs a full liquor bar, don't it!" The Spider Demon said before spawning in a bar seemingly out of nowhere. "And I know my right-hand gal can run it jus' fine!" He snapped his fingers, summoning a web net and before Charlotte could ask why, something had crashed straight into it. Lying in the webs was a purple cyclops girl, smiling ear to ear.

"This is Cherri Bomb, my gal pal."

"Watcha' needs, Angs! I got you covered!" She said enthusiastically.

"I need ya ta' man the bar, get that shit rolling, ya know?" He responded back nonchalantly.

"Hell yeah! Also thanks for teleporting me here, was in a real bad deal that would'a costed my legs! I owe ya this, for sure!" She hopped down from the web and went behind the bar.

"Man, isn't there a cleaner or some shit around here, place is musty as hell!" Cherri commented out-loud.

"Well we do have a maid here!" Interjected Vagatha.

"She's just....."

 

"Oh yeah you like that look Blitzo gives you, Stolas? You're student and teacher - it's so scandalous but hot!" Moaned Niffty, scribbling furiously in her notebook.

 

"....doing other things." Vagatha feebly said.

Outside there was an explosion, to which Charlotte looked out the window.

"Is everything okay??" Asked Vagatha.

"Yeah, there just seems to be shit going down at the I.M.P. HQ across town. The Egg Men must really want something from there." 

"Probably turf war shit. I don't really get into politics." Chided Angel.

Angel then stretched, cracking his back.

"Well! This is gunna be fun, now ain't it, sugartits!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

"Okay so now that we've gotten that all under control let's get back to business. Loona you doing alright?"

Somewhere, residing in hell was a business called The Immediate Murder Professionals. An infamous business that did their servers VERY well and were high in demand. Standing in front of a white board was a semi-tall, spindly blue demon, adorned with white splotches across his skin. Across him was an oval table where several of his most entrusted employees sat. Loona, a lightly golden retriever who was currently fixing her injuries after local Sir Penny and the Egg Men had captured her, mainly due to Penny wanting a puppy. Across from her sat Moxxie and Millie, a bickering couple that somehow were married, constantly arguing with each other over mundane things.

"I'm fine, dad!" Loona said giving him a thumbs-up.

"Good, Good, now I just wanted to congratulate everyone on a job well-done! Our business as been booming as of lately and I do NOT intend to let it stop!" Blitzø announced, slamming his fist onto the table. Millie rolled her eyes at the taller demon, audibly groaning, which set Moxxie off.

"Could you just for once pretend to be interested in these meetings instead of being a big bitch?!" He complained.

"It's the same spiel every time Mox, he compliments us then he bitches at us. It's the same shit over and over again! Why bother!" Millie retorted back.

"No he bitches at YOU. WE do just fine and would do better if your lazy ass actually contributed once in a while!"

"Oh fuck off Moxxie! Eat a bag of dicks, why don't ya!"

"God I hate this fucking company...." Blitzø muttered to himself, rubbing his temples.

"Okay." He took a deep breath before turning to Loona.

"Great job last week Loons, as always!" Loona wagged her tail happily, recounting the good work she did despite it feeling like she didn't.

 

"Hey guys I shot the lady! I got our target! Wasn't that great?!" Loona cried before realizing she was being ignored.

"Guys...?"

"Oh yeah, so cool, wow, amazing." Millie mumbled whilst looking at her phone.

"Uh-huh. You did good Loona." Murmured Moxxie who was also playing on his phone.

"...uh Dad?" Loona called out, only to see Blitzø talking on his phone to his feathery boyfriend. "Yeah Sunday sounds good, don't really got plans that day besides a little quickies, ya know?"

Loona sighed sadly.

 

"Shit, what day is it today?" Blitzø suddenly called out.

"Sunday?" Millie answered.

"FUCK! Okay meeting's over! Gotta run!" The spindly demon shouted before rushing out the room.

Loona groaned to herself and made her way to the kitchen in search of her tuna salad in the fridge, only to find it was missing.

"Uh....did someone take my tuna sala-" before she could finish, standing before her was Moxxie, frozen in place with her salad in one hand and a spork in the other. Both were staring at each other intently before the imp decided to speak up.

"In my defense, I didn't realize it was yours...."

"What are y'all goin' on about now? Ooo, tuna salad!" Millie came barging in, taking the salad from Moxxie and helping herself to it.

"I'll just see if Dad has any leftover money so I can buy myself some food...." Loona said before making her way to Blitzø's office.

Before she could place her hand on the door handle, the door flung open violently, revealing a tall, lanky, bird demon. Both stared at each other for a moment before Stolas muttering out an apologetic "I'm sorry I fucked your dad" and leaving in a hurry. Loona stood there dumbfounded. She should've expected this, really, but somehow she managed to still be surprised every time.

"I'll come back later......I think I just lost my appetite...."

 

 

Nighttime had fallen for Hell, but many were still out and about. One of many happened to be a small, blue imp with white hair, sniffling and crying to himself in his room.

Millie looked at her husband from behind the doorframe, feeling very uncomfortable. She decided to walk in and try to make light of the situation.

"Quit yer crocodile tears you big baby and come watch The Small Bang Theory with me!" The sniffling continued. Millie bit her lip in concern.

"Hey uh....what's up..?" She asked.

"Like you'd care." Spat out Moxxie, infuriating Millie.

"Well obviously I care enough for your dumbass if I am willin' to ask ya about it!" She yelled.

Moxxie only stayed silent, elevating her nerves.

It took several minutes before Moxxie had the courage to finally ask his wife a very important question.

"Why are we still together?" He asked, tears filling up his vision.

Millie was taken aback by this.

"B-Because we love each other...." she futilely responded.

"Do we actually love each other! All we do is argue! What happened to those times when we were ACTUALLY in love? What happened to us?!" He cried.

The female imp stood there baffled. Despite everything she still loved him dearly, she just had a very hard time expressing it.

Suddenly she got an idea.

Rushing to her closet she pulled out a small worn-out guitar and sat herself next to Moxxie.

With a strum, she sang.

"Oh what a thrill when the crimson starts to spill~ and my Moxxie goes in for the kill." She smiled happily at him, leaning in closer to him. Moxxie is silent, but no longer crying.

"He takes away my breath, he's the angel of death for me, oh Moxxie~" Moxxie looks at her, lightly smiling, and begins to sing along with her. They both intertwine each other's tails, holding onto one another, singing and dancing the night away.

"Of all the ifs in hell it's for him that I fell, Oh Moxxie~"

After that they had some murderous fun that lasted until morning.

 

 

 

Chapter Text

"I kid you not Vox, he turns himself into a pickle! He's called Pickle Mick! Funniest shit I've ever seen."

Vox only gave Alastor a disappointed look, shaking his head.

"I think I died in the wrong generation...." he muttered to himself.

Despite Alastor's reputation, he was quite chummy with one of hell's Overlords, Vox. Their time periods were very different, but still respected one another - even enjoying each other's differences.

Even though Vox was a more modern demon, he actually loathed it. He was fine with TVs and computers and all, but when times got to the internet and virtual reality he simply couldn't keep up. Alastor on the other hand loved technology. Yes, he wasn't exactly from a period where technology was prevalent, but when he was alive he would buy whatever new technological device had existed, even going as far as buying janky prototypes.

Alastor was overjoyed to meet Vox when Vox arrived in hell as was Vox was excited to meet Alastor. Their differences complimented each other.

Occasionally though, Alastor would "geek" out, sometimes calling Vox a...what was it? A boomer? Vox hadn't a clue what that meant.

"I don't understand how you find humor in any of those picture shows..." the TV Demon commented.

Alastor rolled onto his back on the couch, placing his head on Vox's lap, limbs splayed about wildly, moving as he talked and gestured.

"It just is funny! It completely stops the whole story for something so insignificant and that's just hilarious! It's unexpected!" The deer demon exclaimed.

Vox only chuckled in response, scratching Alastor's head as he lay upon him.

"You're working yourself up, Allie." The radio demon only responded with a moan, nestling into his lower region further.

"Speaking of "working yourself up", I saw something very interesting on TV the other day.." Alastor froze in Vox's hold, making a small "eep" noise.

"If it's not too much of a bother to ask..." he turned the deer's head toward him. "...what the hell were you doing out in the middle of a turf war?" He grinned viciously, awaiting an answer.

Alastor looked at the wall, deciding it was very interesting at the moment. Vox only flared at him. "Allie. I need an answer." The deer demon gulped before turning to his friend. "I was on my way back to the hotel. Y-Ya know that redemption one?" He stuttered

"Back from what exactly?" Vox sneered causing Alastor to shake.

"Well...um..you see I.....uh....." he stumbled. He then mumbled something incoherently under his breath.

"Repeat that again."

Alastor looked away from Vox. "I might've been coming back from the surface...."

The TV demon nearly blew a circuit.

"The surface?! As in, THE HUMAN WORLD? EARTH?!" He yelled, bringing Alastor's face closer to his screen.

"Allie you could've gotten killed! Demons aren't suppose to visit the human world 'JUST BECAUSE'! What the hell were you thinking?!" Alastor pulled himself away from him. "I'm not that weak! I could handle being on the surface just fine!" He argued.

Vox took a deep breath before holding onto the other's hand. "I know, I-I'm just worried for you. You mean a lot to me..."

Alastor turned away from him, blushing profusely. It didn't give him long to lean into the other's shoulder, radio humming on content.

They sat there in comfortable silence before Vox spoke up.

"You're not weak, Allie. I-I'm just worried as to what the others will do if they find out you're doing things without their permission. Don't wanna lose you."

"That's some sappy shit..." Alastor laughed out, still refusing to let go of his other.

Despite never making anything official, it was clear to everyone in hell what their relationship was.

 

 

 

"Hey Voxie. You want to be a part of my next radio show?"

"I'd love to, Allie."