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English
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Published:
2020-02-26
Completed:
2020-03-07
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3,284
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2/2
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the whispers in the morning

Chapter 2: never wonder where i am

Notes:

because AS IF i could leave it there ;)

Chapter Text

Eddie wakes slowly. 

The bed beside him is empty, but he can see the duvet is partially thrown back. He stretches, working the kinks out of his back, and winces when aches and pains make themselves known. He buries his face back in the pillow, smelling Buck’s shampoo and whatever the fuck he’s still got in his hair. Fuck, he needs a shower. 

Rolling onto his back, he stares up at the ceiling as he hears the TV downstairs. It’s low, Buck obviously trying not to wake him, and he blinks at the clock. He’s slept for almost 16 hours. Chris. Shit. He’s not sure he even thought about Chris when he staggered into Buck’s apartment. Eddie’s still wearing his clothes from the day before and he makes a face as he tugs his phone from his pocket. It’s probably responsible for the ache in Eddie’s hip, but he deserves it for waking Buck up in the middle of the night. There are a couple of messages from his abuela in Spanish, and then one in English. 

Never mind, she says, Buck told me. Stay safe, nieto, and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

Fuck. Eddie’s chest tightens with emotion and he can’t help the way his lips curve into a smile. Buck’s always thinking about Christopher, always making sure he’s got Eddie’s — and Chris’ — best interest at heart. 

Dropping the phone next to him on the bed, Eddie thinks about everything he told Buck when he'd been exhausted. He kind of hates himself a little for falling asleep on Buck. He’s gonna have to make up for that, especially given how much Buck’s done for him, and he shifts on the bed, throwing his legs over the side. He scratches at the back of his head, making another face at the shit he’s still dirty with. Letting him sleep in the bed is definitely a plus for Buck. 

“Buck?”

There’s a silence from downstairs, and then, “You’re awake!”

Eddie frowns. There’s something about Buck’s tone that’s a little out of place, and he crosses to the balcony, peering over the stairs until Buck comes into sight. He’s still in the same clothes, and Eddie gives him a sheepish smile. “Sorry for last night.”

Buck leans against the wall at the bottom of the stairs. The smile on his face is genuine, but there’s a shadow in his eyes that Eddie doesn’t like. “You feeling better?”

“Much.” Eddie stares at himself and then over his shoulder. “Sorry about the mess. I’m gonna take a shower if that’s alright?”

“Duh,” Buck says, with a roll of his eyes. 

“I’ll also toss the sheets in the laundry. Sorry for, by the way.”

“I already said it’s fine,” Buck says with a shrug and pushes away from the wall. “You hungry?”

It’s only as Buck says it that Eddie realizes he is, and he nods. “Starving.”

“Cool.” Buck meets his eyes slowly. “I’ll grab us something to eat.”

Eddie watches him move into the kitchen and he sighs. He really fucking needs a shower, but apparently Buck needs to hear that Eddie wasn’t talking shit. Instead of heading for the bathroom, he makes his way down the stairs. “Buck?”

“I thought you were taking a shower.”

“Hey,” Eddie says, moving around the counter. “Look at me?”

Buck leaves the frying pan on the stove, but he doesn’t turn. 

“Buck,” Eddie says carefully, resting a hand on Buck’s shoulder and turning him around. Buck stubbornly looks at the floor until Eddie’s hand on his face causes him to look up. “Everything I said last night—”

“I know you were tired,” Buck blurts out.

“Shut the fuck up, Buck,” Eddie says, and Buck’s mouth closes abruptly. Eddie’s heart is pounding in his chest, and his throat is dry. There’s always been a distance between himself and everyone else at the 118 because that’s the way he’s wanted it. After Shannon, losing her, shit with Chris and the lawsuit — his words to Frank about not being good enough were honest. He doesn’t think he’s ever going to be enough to keep someone with him forever. 

Except there’s Buck, who’s always there. Who stays, even when Eddie pushes him away. Who loves Christopher as much as Eddie. Who wants Eddie to be happy. Eddie’s not stupid and he knows what that means. 

“I didn’t lie about thinking I’m not,” Eddie’s breath hitches. It’s not easy to admit to this stuff when he’s got a filter back. “Not good enough for anyone.” His eyes burn and he ducks his head, but Buck’s hand comes to rest on his hip, squeezing gently. Getting a grip, Eddie stares back at Buck. There’s hope in Buck’s expression, and a little disbelief. It gives Eddie the courage he needs to keep talking because Buck deserves to hear it, to know how important he is to Eddie. “I want to be enough for you.”

“You are,” Buck says, his own voice hoarse. He squeezes Eddie’s hip again. “You always have been.”

“I also didn’t lie about the other stuff,” Eddie continues. “About loving you.”

Buck’s breath catches, and he swallows once, twice. Eddie hates to see Buck cry, but he thinks maybe this time it’s not a bad thing. “Eddie.”

Eddie smiles gently, lets himself acknowledge the feelings he’s been pushing away for so long. It’s stupid to deny how happy Buck makes him — and Christopher — and the fact that’s gotten used to Buck being around. He doesn’t want to go back to before Buck . “I love you, Buck.”

“Oh,” Buck says, scrubbing at his face with his free hand. “I thought maybe you didn’t mean it.”

“Yeah, I know.” Eddie rubs his thumb over Buck’s neck, and Buck leans into the touch, eyes dropping to Eddie’s lips. “It’s okay to be scared, Buck, but you never have to doubt that, alright?”

Buck nods, but Eddie’s sure they’re gonna have to actually talk about their issues at some point, especially if they’re gonna be as long-term as he hopes. “I love you too.”

“That I didn’t doubt,” Eddie says quietly. 

“Can I,” Buck says, licking at his bottom lip, eyes dropping to Eddie’s mouth. “Are we—”

Eddie laughs gently. “You can kiss me if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Hell fucking yes,” Buck mutters and then darts forward, a little too quickly. 

Their noses bump, and Buck’s lips smack against Eddie’s cheek. They both start laughing until Eddie’s hand tilts Buck’s face. The kiss is soft, barely a brush of lips until Buck finds his footing. His hand rests on the back of Eddie’s head, holding him in place while he deepens the kiss, tongue running along the seam of Eddie’s bottom lip. Eddie sighs happily into Buck’s mouth, feels Buck’s fingers stroking through the short strands of his hair and he makes a soft noise. 

When they part, Buck’s eyes are glazed, but he’s grinning like an idiot. Eddie doesn’t doubt that he looks the same. “Wow.”

“You believe me now?”

“Mmm,” Buck says, lips quirked up into a smile. “Might need to test that out a couple of times.”

“Take it easy,” Eddie says with a laugh, when Buck’s arm comes around his waist, hauling him closer. He tilts his head, lets Buck find his neck instead, and groans at the feel of Buck’s teeth working against his jaw. “Fuck, you have to stop that.”

“Nope,” Buck says, and he’s totally laughing at Eddie. “Now you’ve opened the door, Diaz, you have to take what comes.”

“I’ll take it,” Eddie says darkly, and feels the shudder that runs through Buck. “Right after I shower yesterday’s crap off me.”

Buck sighs, but presses a kiss to Eddie’s jaw before he pulls back. His eyes are dark, but his smile is short. “Yeah, okay.”

Eddie knows what Buck shutting down looks like, and he leans in, thumb brushing over Buck’s cheekbone. “I don’t want to rush this, Buck, but I want it, alright? I just feel like crap.”

“You smell like it too,” Buck says with a cheeky grin, regaining some of his footing.

“Yet you still wanna kiss me,” Eddie says with a shrug, as he takes a couple of steps backward. “And probably join me in the shower.”

“Oh, fuck you, Diaz.”

Eddie grins. “Thinking about me naked now, huh?”

Buck flips him off but doesn’t make a move to follow Eddie up the stairs. Eddie’s a little glad of it. As easy as the flirting is, as normal as it is to say I love you, he still gets a rush of apprehension when he thinks about anything physical. Except kissing. The kissing is a-fucking-okay. 

“Hey,” Eddie says, when he gets to the top of the stairs. Buck looks up at him, grabbing shit out of the fridge. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Buck says, breathless, and Eddie doubts either of them will tire of hearing it. 

“Thanks, for letting my Abuela know where I was.”

Buck shrugs with one shoulder, staring at the bacon in his hands. “Gotta let Chris know where his dad is.”

“And that,” Eddie says, one hand on the doorjamb. “Is what I love the best about you.”

“How conscientious I am?” Buck says with a ridiculous grin.

“No,” Eddie says, and he lets his voice convey the emotion that he’s spent so long trying really hard to contain. “How much you love my son.”

Buck’s mouth opens, closes, and Eddie can see the red on his cheeks from up the stairs. “Eddie—”

“I’ve never doubted that.”

“Good,” Buck says eventually. “Because I love you both. A lot.”

Eddie doesn’t doubt it. “Good. Because I’d hate to have to let you down gently because you didn’t wanna be around Chris.”

“I love him better than you, idiot, so that’ll never be a problem.”

Eddie laughs as he ducks into the bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror, at the red mark Buck’s bitten into his jaw, the ridiculous smile on his face. His self-doubts and fears haven’t gone away, and he doubts it’ll take long for them to rear their ugly heads, but he’s got faith that what he and Buck have — what they’ve always had — is worth the shit to come. 

“Hurry up, asshole, you owe me a shit ton of kisses for waking me up last night!”

So, so worth it. 

Notes:

maybe eddie wakes up and says i love you again. maybe he doesn't :))))

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