- I'm so sorry.
Natasha: Sorry for what??
The doctor's phone rang.
- One minute, sorry, I need to answer this.
I don't have a minute!!! Natasha thought.
Natasha was taking a deep breath, she was almost breathless from being so nervous by the suspense that the doctor was doing, she doesn't even know if he is really doing suspense or if she is feeling that because of her anxiety and despair. Every second passes like a minute.
Standing outside waiting for the test results was a complete torture, as much as she tried to focus on anything else, she couldn't. In the waiting area of the clinic there are images of pregnant women, baby feet, children, families and more... there were times when she simply thought she was going to pass out as she started to feel very short of breath.
While feeling such shortness of breath, Natasha looked around, there was only the attendant and another couple sitting across from her, waiting for their consultation. The man even looked at her more than twice, but Natasha, the only time she met his eye looked at him so seriously that he was crestfallen and tried to read a magazine or touch his cell phone so he wouldn't have to face her again. His wife didn't notice anything.
When the shortness of breath threatened to intensify, Natasha tried to take a deep breath and calmly she held tightly in the arms of the chair and closed her eyes and wished she was not alone now. Maria is no there for her if she has a panic attack now, she'll be alone, she'll wake up in a hospital and the other Avengers would start asking too many questions, especially Steve, she doesn't want that, she talked to herself until she calmed down.
Natasha managed to control herself but the anxiety was present, the fear was present and now facing the doctor, she doesn't even know what she wants... if she was never pregnant or that she was pregnant.
If she was never pregnant, she would feel stupid and even crazier because she already knew that she was sterilized from the time of the Red Room, besides that she would feel bad for having hoped it was true and no matter how small the hope, of course Natasha is more prepared for her to be wrong in her theory.
It would be easier to move on in life like that.
But what if it is true? This is not possible, I know, but... what if it was true that I was pregnant? What's up?? What happens? Natasha asked herself.
- So, as I was saying, I'm sorry, miss...
Does he feel sorry that I was not pregnant?? Natasha thought as she looked at the doctor.
- Miss Rushman, you...
The doctor nodded.
- You were really pregnant and lost the baby. The exams, in fact, show as if you are still pregnant, despite the fact that you no longer have a fetus inside you and I believe that this is happening due to the Snap Day... I have seen some cases similar to this one, the body takes a while to recognize that there is no longer a pregnancy happening and....
The doctor continued talking and talking about scientific issues that explains how fetuses that were eliminated by Thanos still influence the mothers' bodies even days after the Snap. Natasha was watching the doctor explaining and gesturing, but she lost the ability to hear the moment he claimed she was really pregnant.
So it was true, I wasn't crazy, I had a child in my belly, that really happened. Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow, was pregnant... I was going to generate a life...
At that moment, Natasha didn't even think about Steve Rogers and that he was the father, she just thought about her and the baby, nothing else mattered now, it was a moment she never expected to happen and the worst part is that... she didn't know how the pregnancy would be like... because if she got pregnant before the fetuses were eliminated by her body in the very first days, but would this one have survived any longer?
Natasha looked back at the doctor who was still talking non-stop.
Natasha: How long...
The doctor fell silent.
Natasha: How long have I been pregnant?
Natasha closed her eyes and shook her head.
Natasha: I was pregnant.
- By the exams, you would be about 5 to 6 weeks.
Natasha whispered and again disconnected from reality.
Five weeks... or six... a fetus was not supposed to survive that long in my body. Was he any different? Was he that strong? Didn't my body detect him? Would he made through till the end of the pregnancy? Would my body end up miscarrying some time later? I will never know... maybe this was the only and last chance I had to have a baby, to have a son. Natasha thought and took a deep breath because she held her breath without realizing it and then she released the air at once and along with the air, she released the tears.
- Miss Rushman...
The doctor placed a tissue box on the table.
- I am so sorry.
Natasha took two tissues and pressed them to her nose.
- This can be very difficult, I suggest you look for the support of your family, and the child's father.
Natasha: There is no child.
Natasha said angrily and continued to cry.
- Your family can help in this delicate moment.
Natasha made negative with her head and then stood up.
Natasha: I suppose I had no way of knowing the sex.
- No. Too early yet.
Natasha nodded, still crying a lot.
Natasha: I have to go.
The doctor didn't know what to say, he just nodded and saw Natasha go out the door.
Natasha left the doctor's office.
- Ms. Rushman, would you like to schedule the review appointment?
Asked the attendant who just saw Natasha running to the clinic's front door, as if she was feeling sick.
Natasha left the clinic and when stepping on the sidewalk, she crouched down and started crying again, desperately and alone, which she hates to do... even more in public but she was suffocating.
- Ma’am?? Are you alright???
Someone on the street asked.
- Is she feeling sick?
- What happened??
- Isn't she that Avenger?
- The Black Widow???
Random people asked while passing by Natasha, who, when noticed that she was drawing too much attention, started to compose herself, got up, without raising her face too much, put her coat hood over her head and went to the parking lot, she started crying once again when she was alone, then she controlled herself and went home.
When Natasha came home, she immediately met Steve Rogers, but he didn't see her. Natasha was at the entrance's glass door and he was further away in that big reception hall, holding a clipboard in his hand and saying something to a group of 10 uniformed people.
As they lost many members of the Avengers team and employees... announcements to apply for an Avengers Initiative Agents were posted in the media and many people appeared interested in being part of the program, mostly young people aged 18 to 24, but had elderly in the group who thought they would not be accepted, but they did after going through the evaluation criteria.
Natasha helped with the selection process with Rhodey, but after being selected, the training was mostly with Steve. Sometimes she joined him when he asked or when he needed to be away.
It seemed that the only moments Steve was fine were when he trained the new agents. It is good to clarify that they do not train to be Avengers, the position is exactly that: Agents. It is to provide support in administrative, financial, strategic and field areas. It was mandatory to learn everything, even if afterwards they occupied different functions.
Natasha stood for a while, watching Steve speak to those young people and she watched him smile when he heard something from one of the agents said and she took a deep breath and tried to hold back the tears.
You... you were going to be a father, Rogers. Natasha thought, staring at Steve, she saw him saying some joke that made all the young people laugh and they all look enchanted by him, which broke her heart even more. You would be a wonderful father. Would you like to be a father? How would you feel? Would that save you? Would that make you overcome all the losses and pain? Would it make you happy?? Would it be easier to face this pain you feel now??
Natasha thought and tears started to roll down her face again.
- Look! It’s Natasha...
One of the young men commented when he noticed her presence, which made everyone look at her.
- Is she okay??
Steve frowned when he saw Natasha crying.
Natasha made negative with her head and wiped away her tears.
Natasha: Nothing, I'm fine!
Natasha said and smiled without passing the truth, she headed for the stairs and hurried up to her room.
Steve: Guys, I need to solve something. In the meantime, I want 4 laps in the complex. At least 2 running!
- It's raining out there!
Steve: You can run with an umbrella if you prefer!
- It looks like he is made of sugar!
- Shut up!
Steve: You can go and don't forget that I am monitoring here on the tablet.
Steve held up the tablet.
The agents moved out in a line of two, perfectly aligned.
Steve went upstairs to check what's going on with Natasha, although he already predicts that it has to do with Snap.
Steve knocked on Natasha's bedroom door.
Steve said as he opened the door. Natasha was by the window, arms crossed, she looked at Steve.
She still looked like she was crying.
Steve: Are you okay?
Steve asked and closed the door, he walked over to her until he was facing her. Natasha looked Steve in the eyes and the questions kept hanging around her head, at the same time she feels destroyed by knowing that she lost her son and she really wanted to be comforted about it but she doesn't want to share this pain with Steve, she is afraid that he can't take it.
This dilemma was very heavy and all she did was cry and Steve touched her arms.
Steve: Nat?? Please, talk to me.
Steve was very worrird. Natasha lowered her head.
Steve: It's something about... the snap...
Steve: Is it about Nick Fury? Maria??
Natasha just cried more and kept her head down, if she denied it she would have to answer what it was, and if she confirmed, she wouldn't be lying too, she wants her friends back, she wants Clint's family back.
Natasha: I... I can't speak to Barton.
Steve: Why not??
Natasha: He doesn't answer, I know he is suffering.
Steve: He should be here with us.
Natasha: He won't come... the pain is great and when it is like that... he doesn't want company.
Steve: I hope he gets well. Do you know where he is?
Natasha: Yes. I have some idea.
Steve: Do you want to go to see him?
Natasha: I don't know...
Natasha's voice failed with crying.
Steve: It is very difficult, Natasha seeing you like that and... Barton... he lost everything. I lost everything, but I almost had nothing.
What about me, Steve? You have me. Natasha thought, while listening.
Steve: If he needs me, I will be here. I know that he knows that you are also here for whatever he needs. You know him better than I do, if you think giving space is the best thing to do, that's fine. I know the feeling of wanting to do more.
Natasha said and walked away from Steve.
Natasha: Do you mind leaving me alone?
Steve: Are you going to be okay?
Natasha: Yes, I just... I need to get some sleep.
Steve: See you at dinner?
Natasha: I don't know.
Steve: I hope so.
Natasha nodded and Steve left the room.
Upon leaving the room, Steve closed the door but did not move away from her room, he stayed close to the door and almost put his ear to the door because if he heard that she was crying again, he would come back to try to talk again, even she having asked for space.
Natasha, in turn, kept an eye on the shadow under the door, she knew he was still there and to make him go away, she went to the bathroom and turned on the water in the bathtub, she really needed to shower and knew that would do Steve to leave her alone and that's what happened, he left.