How much is a person able to cry? Natasha wondered inside the bathtub, her eyes still blurred by tears, she wants to regain control over herself because she has already cried too much. Why is she still crying?
Natasha asked and sank completely in the bathtub, she kept her eyes open under the water and stayed as long as possible under the water, until she couldn't take any more then returned to the surface, breathing deeply and finally more controlled.
Natasha got out of the bath and wrapped herself in the towel, she went to the mirror and ran her hand over it because it was totally foggy like steam from the bath.
Natasha stared at herself in the mirror for a few minutes, then brushed her teeth, brushed all her hair back and went back to the room.
The only thing she could do was try to sleep, she didn't dry herself properly, not even her hair, she just lay down still wrapped in the towel and closed her eyes.
Natasha managed to doze off for a few hours, she woke to the sound of knocking on the door.
Natasha just opened her eyes but she didn't move or respond.
Natasha recognized Rhodey's voice.
Rodhey: Are you there? Nat?
Natasha did not answer.
Rodhey: Can I come in?
Rhodey opened the door a little.
Natasha was lying on her side, but with her back to the door.
Rodhey: Steve asked to call you. Dinner is ready...
Rhodey commented and Natasha remained silent.
Rodhey: Are you coming?
Natasha: I'm not hungry.
Rodhey: Are you all right?
Natasha: Yes, I am just tired.
Rodhey: Okay. Do you want me to bring you something?
Natasha: No, I'm fine.
Rodhey: Okay... Good night.
Natasha nodded and Rhodey left the room, he went down and told Steve that Natasha was not going to come down.
As Natasha predicted, after a few hours, Steve returned to her room, he went straight in, without knocking.
Steve: I brought you some fruit... since you haven't eaten anything.
Steve placed the apple on the bedside table.
Steve: I know you are not sleeping.
Natasha didn't move for that.
Steve: Did something happen?
Natasha: Like what?
Steve: I don't know.
Natasha: It turns out that... half the people we know have died... they are gone and will never come back.
Natasha replied and turned on the bed, lying on her back, she looked at Steve who was looking at her back.
Steve sighed and nodded, he opened his mouth to say something, but stopped when Natasha spoke again.
Natasha: You don't have to tell me anything, Steve. I know it is a tragedy, I know we are not to blame.
Steve: We know that and we still question what we could have done to avoid it.
Natasha: I don't question that.
Natasha cut it again.
Natasha: It would be stupid to think about the past that we cannot change.
Steve bowed his head slightly, because he wonders all the time about what he could have done.
Natasha: It's not worth the effort, Steve.
Natasha said more softly and looked at the bedroom window.
Natasha: We are already in mourning. We have to look ahead and try to live with this new reality.
Natasha pondered. Steve listened to her in silence, then sighed.
Steve: Okay, I'm going to my room now...
Steve walked to the door.
Natasha looked at him and Steve looked at her.
Steve waited for Natasha to say something, because she seemed to want to speak but she made negative with her head and looked down.
Steve: What is it?
Natasha looked at Steve again.
Natasha: Would you stay here with me tonight? Please...
Steve: Of course. I just need to shower.
Natasha: You can use it here, if you want.
Steve: My clothes are in my room, but... I won't be long.
Natasha nodded and Steve left the room to bathe on his.
Steve returned half an hour later, he entered the room and lifted the cover of Natasha's bed, which made her open her eyes and make room for Steve to lie down.
Steve lay down next to Natasha, then turned his body on the side of the bed and brought his face closer to hers, giving her a quick kiss, followed by another, which Natasha corresponded to.
Steve put his hand on Natasha's belly, over the towel that was still wrapped around her body and in doing so he intensified the kiss, leaving his lips glued to hers and adding his tongue to the kiss.
Natasha continued to return Steve's kiss, she only stopped his actions when he put his hand under the towel and touched her skin on the belly.
Natasha put her hand on Steve's and retracted her head, Steve tried to continue the kiss, leaning closer to her and sliding his hand up to her waist and squeezing that region, but that only made Natasha feel even more uncomfortable, she freed Steve's lips, turning her face to the side and that made Steve direct his mouth to her neck, where he distributed kisses and intense smells.
Steve asked while sliding his hand up, making Natasha's towel open and taking advantage of it, he put his hand on her breast and squeezed it tightly and Natasha took his hand again and made his hand go down.
Natasha: Steve? Stop...
Steve stopped when Natasha asked and raised his head to look her in the eye, he saw Natasha with teary eyes and he was startled.
Steve: What is going on, Natasha??
Natasha shook her head a few times, trying to no get more emotional than she already is.
Natasha: Sorry... I just... I'm not in the mood today.
Steve stared at Natasha and then sighed.
Natasha: Is that...
Steve: What do you have? You look more shaken today. Something happened?
Natasha pressed one lip against the other and took a deep breath, still struggling to fight the emotions but tears were still forming and some overflowed from her eyes.
Steve looked concerned, he wiped her tears away, using his thumb.
Steve: Tell me...
Natasha: It's nothing. I'm just... I'm being silly...
Steve: You don’t want to make love?
Natasha shook her head.
Natasha: Sorry... I don’t.
Natasha: I'm sorry...
Steve put his finger in Natasha's mouth.
Steve: Stop apologizing. It's okay, you don't have to do anything.
Natasha: I called you here.
Steve: Yes, but you did not instigate me at all... it was me, I got turned on when I smell you up close.
Natasha couldn't even smile.
Steve kept looking at Natasha, he slid his finger across her cheekbone.
Natasha: I just want to be with you here, lying down... if it's okay to you.
Steve: It's okay to me.
Natasha sighed and then turned on her side, her back to Steve.
Natasha: Would you hug me?
Steve responded and immediately brought his body closer to her and put his arm over her body, Natasha left her head farther and Steve leaned his face against her hair, smelling her hair strongly and then her neck, which made Natasha feel more comforted by what she discovered earlier.
Steve managed to sleep a few minutes after that, Natasha took more than an hour to get to sleep and when she wake up the next day, she carefully removed Steve's arm from her and carefully slid on the bed to get off it, without waking him. She did that with total mastery, Steve didn't even notice.
Natasha went to the bathroom and brushed her teeth, she looked at herself in the mirror and took a deep breath.
He doesn't need to know, he doesn't need to suffer beyond what he already is. If it were reversible, it would be worth it to tell him the truth about the baby but it is not, so why would I hurt him even more?? Why bring that pain further? Natasha told herself mentally.
Leave him alone with the pain he already has. Natasha finished and left the bathroom, she stopped at the bathroom door and leaned her shoulder against the doorjamb, she crossed her arms and watched Steve sleep.
You don't have to carry this pain that was meant to be our pain, it will be mine alone. Don't worry, Steve. I can handle it. Natasha concluded again, she went to the wardrobe and chose a change of clothes, put on something comfortable, dragged the armchair closer to the window, she took a book and sat curled up in the armchair to read.
As the days went by, Natasha became more resigned about losing her baby and she continued to reject any intimate contact with Steve for almost six whole weeks, wich left him very confused because she wanted to sleep with him and shw wanted the caresses and kisses from him, but she rejected any possibility of going beyond that.
Steve asked several times what was wrong, Natasha always claimed the same as always: the mourning for the deceased colleagues and the concern for Clint Barton who gave no news.
Steve was also in mourning, basically for the same reasons, in addition to the reasons he already had to be sad even before Thanos appeared and ruined everything.
It got to the point that Natasha's rejection started hurting Steve and it was never clear that she wanted to fight with him or something and in order to not have another reason to suffer and brood over his head, Steve decided it was time to have an honest conversation with Natasha and define that there is no longer a relationship between them and that it was better to stop now than to get hurt more and end up losing even the friendship.
Steve: Do you have anything to say?
Steve asked about 6 months after Natasha's first episode of rejection.
The two were alone in the meeting room, which did not look like a common meeting room, the table is small, has many sofas and armchairs, has vegetation and warm colors, looks more like a reading room than a meeting room, but it was the concept that Stark asked Pepper Potts to design, that was something different and more intimate because above all they are friends and did not need a cold room to talk about their issues.
Natasha followed in silence after listening to Steve's speech about completely stopping this half relationship they have. No caresses, no kisses, no sex, which they were already basically without doing.
In this period of 6 months after Natasha discovered that she lost a baby, they had sex only 2 times.
Steve: You won't even say anything at all?
Steve asked again and Natasha's silence and total lack of movement made him take a deep breath, get up and walk too the door, he even touched the doorknob when Natasha decided to speak.
Natasha: What do you want me to say?
Steve stopped with his hand on the doorknob and remained turned to the door. Natasha looked at him.
Natasha: Do you want me to beg?
Natasha: What do you want me to do??
Steve: I just wanted to talk. I said a lot and you said nothing. As if it didn't matter.
Natasha snorted slightly and made negative with her head a few times.
Natasha: And do you care??
Steve turned his face to look at Natasha.
Steve: I don't understand. I'm trying here! The only one!
Natasha: Trying?? Trying what??
Steve looked at Natasha confused.
Natasha: Trying to have sex??
Natasha: It seems that it is the only thing important for you.
Steve was shocked by this acusation.
Natasha: Why are you so bothered if it's not about sex??
Steve gave a low laugh and then looked at the ceiling, he looked at Natasha again.
Steve: Sex? I can do that anytime I want, Natasha.
Natasha: Good for you!!
Natasha clapped for Steve, mocking.
Steve: Yes, good for me!
Steve responded more seriously and more austerely.
Natasha: What are you waiting for then? Go... go have sex with whoever you want...
Steve turned the doorknob and opened the door to leave, now he was irritated, he only took half a step to leave the room, but leaned back against the door.
Steve: I hate that you think that sex is the only thing I want from you.
Steve declared and Natasha did not respond to that.
Steve: You don't know me.
Natasha: Yes, I know you, Steve. You who don't seem to know me.
Steve: And whose fault is that??
The two looked at each other.
Natasha: I opened up to you more than to anyone else and I'm sorry if it still isn't enough. I am not normal...
Natasha shook her head, sighed and looked down.
Natasha: I won't be making a thousand statements, I won't be begging and that's not because I think you don't deserve it. It's because I don't know how to do these things.
Natasha claimed and Steve continued to listen to her.
Natasha: Accusing you of wanting only sex... maybe it was too much, I think I overreacted but it's because I'm angry.
Steve: Angry at me??
Natasha: No! Angry with myself, with the world... Thanos... everything!!
Natasha took a deep breath and made negative with her head again.
Natasha: I knew that this day would come, Steve and that you would want to stop... but... I don’t actually want us to end.
Steve: So do you care?
Natasha: Of course I care!
Steve: So why didn't you tell me?
Natasha kept her mouth open, unable to express anything, she made negative with her head. Steve left the door and went back to the sofa where Natasha was, he sat beside her, but with a seat away.
Natasha looked at Steve.
Steve: What I'm doing here today... it's just because you didn't give me any more indications that you were interested in me as a man. So... in a way this is related to sex but it is not because we are not doing it so often, it is the fear that you are no longer attracted to me.
Steve said calmly and without charge.
Steve: I get very confused when I touch you and you take my hand away... when I try to kiss you and you turn your face away... it makes me understand that there is rejection and how you don't verbalize... I understand it as signals.
Steve: When I decided to have this conversation, I was nervous and I was hoping you would tell me that I'm wrong, but you didn't say anything.
Natasha: I'm tired, Steve. Very tired.
Natasha declared and took a deep breath and when she did that, she started to cry. Steve sat closer to Natasha and put his hand on her back, stroking to comfort her.
Natasha: Steve, if you only knew...
Steve also stroked her face and Natasha shook her head.
Steve: What should I know? Tell me, Natasha.
Natasha turned more to Steve and hugged him. Steve hugged her back.
Natasha: I'm sorry... I don't want us to stop... I want to be with you.
Natasha declared and Steve pulled her away so he could look her in the eye.
Steve: It was what I wanted to hear.
Natasha nodded and held Steve's shirt while looking at him.
Natasha: I need you.
Steve: I need you, too.
Natasha gave a small smile and pressed her lips to Steve's. Steve received Natasha's kiss, still looking at her, Natasha closed her eyes as she pressed her mouth against Steve's and opened them meeting his eyes very closely.
Steve was somewhat motionless and unresponsive, he still seemed afraid to try anything with her that she doesn't want and will stop. Natasha noticed his hesitation, she had to put her nose against his and smell that region just below his nose, she dragged her lips through his grazing and felt him breathe deeper at that time, she also felt the tension in his arms, she quickly glanced at Steve's hand and saw it closed, she concluded that he is holding back too much to not return her kiss.
What Steve doesn't know is that she really wants to kiss him now, she wants him now and he doesn't have to be afraid but she doesn't want to have to say it out loud to him. She wants to make Steve understand without verbalizing, and for such an understanding, it requires Natasha to use a side of her that was asleep and locked with no chance of surfacing.
It was what she believed and what it looked like, her clothes were only sweatpants, a white tank top and a sweatshirt. Her hair was half tied and half loose in a strange and twisted ponytail, it looked like she had slept and woke up like this and decided to walk around like that.
Natasha turned even more towards Steve, she kissed his lower lip and while doing s, she propped one knee on the couch and supported the other foot on the floor, almost standing. Again Natasha felt the warm air of Steve's breath come out and touch her skin, she got up a bit to take off her sweatshirt, she unzipped it and dropped it from her shoulders to the floor, then she put her hands on Steve's face and intensified the kiss.
Feeling Steve's reactions to each of her attacks it was delicious for Natasha, she had forgotten how much she enjoys to tease and seduce someone, especially when that someone is Steve Rogers.
Natasha slid her hands from her face to Steve's neck, then to the back of his neck, and each time her hands strolled over his skin, the more she intensified the pressure of her lips on his, she started sucking on that lip with more intensity, she opened her lips more, automatically making Steve also open his mouth and she did not introduce her tongue in his mouth, she waited for him to have some attitude, waited for him to accept her back.
Steve seemed very resilient yet, Natasha was afraid that it was too late, that even if he wanted, he will reject her now just for "revenge" or even for fear that she will stop everything and send him away. Natasha even moved her lips away from Steve's, she was still looking at him closely and Steve opened his eyes, looking back at her.
Steve was immobile for a long time for Natasha, he must have stood and stared at her for a few seconds, but it felt like forever.
Natasha smiled when Steve brought his hands under her knees and pulled them forward, causing her to bend them and almost lose her balance, but he soon reached her hip and pulled one of her knees to his side, making Natasha sit on his lap.
Natasha was still smiling when she put her mouth back on Steve's, she gave a very muffled giggle that was totally silenced by Steve's tongue.
Steve slid his hand down Natasha's legs, up to her buttocks, where he filled his hand in each of her buttocks and squeezed them with all his strength, making Natasha take a deep breath. Although they needed to slow down with the kiss and make interruptions, neither of them wanted to do that, it was not possible to stop the kiss now, not even to undress.
They remained kissing and rubbing their bodies for a long time, discovering again that they are in love with each other and that they still have a lot of sexual tension.
Natasha whispered almost unintentionally when they started making real love on the couch. From the couch they went to the conference table and there Natasha used and completely dominated Steve in the hours that passed in that meeting room of the new Avengers base.