Alex had resigned to the fact that she would always be in love with Kara. She’d also resigned to the fact that she would never be able to have Kara, so she had settled for Maggie… But Maggie made her miserable; she was forceful, selfish, and had even lied about cheating to make her ex look like the bad guy… Not to mention how jealous she was of Kara’s place in Alex’s life. She hated the way Maggie treated Kara; so she’d dumped Maggie faster than she would a searing hot branding iron and never looked back.
All-in-all it was safe to say Maggie Sawyer was the worst mistake of Alex Danvers’ life.
Then after Maggie, there was Sam… Sam was wonderful and a refreshing reprieve from all that was Maggie. She was sweet, and kind, and a fun distraction, but after the Reign incident, she needed a fresh start, and Alex had been happy to see her go; because even though she cared about Sam and Ruby deeply… no one and nothing was ever going to fill the yearning she had for Kara.
Then, a year after Sam, she met Kelly Olsen. Kelly was amazing, and Alex was thrilled to be with her. Kelly made her laugh, Kelly distracted her from the pain in her chest she got every time she thought about Kara. Kelly respected Kara’s place in Alex’s life, Kelly got along with all of her friends, Kelly wasn’t argumentative about every single thing Alex did. Kelly didn’t make Alex’s life harder . Being with Kelly was easy.
But… only because after Mon-El left for the 31st century for good, she was sure that Kara would never date someone again, so she wouldn’t have to worry about seeing Kara in love with someone else….
Things were so much easier for Alex until William came along and swept Kara off of her feet somehow.
Alex didn’t really understand it, not at all. One minute, Kara hated him, the next… Well, the next she had been dating him for just over four months.
Did Alex try her hardest to be as supportive as possible? Yes, of course. She would always be the number one supporter of Kara’s happiness, but she still couldn’t wrap her head around how Kara could choose another insignificant man over… well, over her.
And, of course she understood it logically. Kara saw Alex as a sister. But it still stung like hell.
And what made it even harder for Alex is that she couldn’t hate William. William was kind, and gentle with Kara. He respected her boundaries, made Kara laugh, and didn’t constantly disrespect her at every turn like Mon-El had. So, it was harder than ever for Alex to see them together.
She wanted Kara to find happiness, she wanted Kara to find love, and happiness. She wanted everything and more for Kara, but she wanted to be the one to give it to her… Or to at least try to anyway.
She sighed; she knew that she was never going to be deserving of Kara... She felt dirty for thinking about her own sister… Foster sister, the way that she did. For being so exploitative. Kara deserved so much more from her than that.
But, even so, she couldn’t help glaring jealously at William and Kara as they danced and sang in unison on stage during Karaoke night.
She heard a sad sigh come from beside her. “I thought I could do this, but I can’t.” Kelly said sadly, finally taking Alex’s eyes away from her sister.
“What do you mean?” Alex asked, confusion and worry setting in.
“Alex when Andrea blatantly flirts with me in front of you, you don’t even react; not even when I flirt back to get a rise out of you… but when Kara does Karaoke with her boyfriend on stage, you can’t even enjoy a beer. You send death glares his way and can’t focus on anything but your jealousy. I’m psychologist; I observe those kinds of signs for a living. I’m sorry Alex, but as much as I care about you, I can’t be with someone that is in love with someone else.” Kelly said sadly as she laid a twenty on the table. “That should be enough to cover my tab. I’ve got to go.”
Alex panicked. She couldn’t lose Kelly… Not necessarily because she would be lost without her , but because she did care about Kelly, and she needed her as a distraction from the pain. She ran after Kelly and caught up to her as she was trying to unlock her car door. “Wait! Kelly, you have it all wrong. I just don’t think that William is good enough for Kara.”
Kelly chuckled sadly. “Alex, you’d think that even if she was dating Jesus Christ himself.” She said. “William is a great fit for Kara. They share passions, he’s not egotistical, he’s kind… The only reason you hate him is that he’s not you, which I get, truly I do… Kara is a catch, and if I hadn’t immediately been enamored by you I’m sure I would’ve been swept away and fallen in love with Kara like everyone else does. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, but please, don’t break my heart in the process.” Kelly pleaded sadly.
Alex couldn’t deny it, as soon as she saw how sad Kelly was, she released her arm and backed away slowly, lowering her head in shame and pain. “I’m sorry.” She croaked. “I didn’t mean to hurt you… It’s just… So hard.”
“Then tell her how you feel. She’s Kara . She could never hate you.” Kelly reassured, placing a comforting hand on Alex’s shoulder. “You two have the strongest bond on the planet. Tell her, lift the weight off your shoulder; and stop hiding half of who you are. Plus, don’t you think that Kara deserves to know?” Kelly asked.
Alex shook her head, trying and failing to stop her tears from leaving her eyes. “I can’t risk losing what we have. She may not hate me, you might be right… but even if she doesn’t things will change after she finds out. I can’t lose what we have, it’s more than normal sisters, I’ll admit… But it’s so much less than I crave, and if I lose that I-…” She cut off with a sob. “I don’t think I’d survive it, Kelly… I know I wouldn’t. If that damn British hunk had just stayed in his own lane this wouldn’t be happening right now. You and I would be fine, and I would be okay.”
Kelly shook her head. “If it wasn’t him, it would have been someone else. Kara was never going to stay single forever. It was only a matter of time before your feelings for her finally became too much for you to bear, and I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. But Alex, I’m starting to fall in love with you; I can’t stand by you and let you slowly but surely break my heart. I want to be with you, I genuinely do, but for the sake of self-preservation we have to end this now before it gets to far. I hope you understand.”
Alex gave Kelly a curt and shaky nod. “I do. I’m sorry I put you in this situation. I just wish I knew how to be around Kara without a distraction in place.”
Kelly gave Alex a sympathetic look and nodded. “I know. I wish you all the luck and prosperity in the world though, Alex. I want nothing but happiness for you, I hope that whatever happens you find that.”
“Thank you, Kelly. I wish all the best for you too. Thank you for being so kind. You really are amazing.” Alex replied as she watched Kelly walk away. She was ashamed of what she’d done to the poor woman, it was very obvious how heartbroken she was.
Just then, the door opened and out came a worried Kara. “What happened? Where’s Kelly? IS everything alright?” She asked as she came up to stand by Alex.
Alex forced a smile onto her face. “Yeah! Everything’s great. She just isn’t feeling the greatest, so she is going home for the night.”
Kara frowned. “If she isn’t well, shouldn’t you be going with her?”
“No, no… Um, she decided that she would rather be alone tonight.” Alex lied.
“Are you sure? “ Kara asked, always concerned for the well being of others; and Alex couldn’t help but wish things could be different… but they couldn’t; Kara would never love Alex the way Alex loved Kara.
“Yeah, Kar. I’m positive. Come on, let’s get back in there and drink until our hearts can drink no more.
Kara didn’t seem so convinced, but she relented and let Alex guide her back into the bar where Alex forced herself to remain calm as she watched William and Kara touch, and flirt, and giggle with each other all night long. It was exhausting, and heartbreaking all at once and she just wanted the night to end.
When it finally did come to an end, and Alex finally entered the door to her own apartment, she threw her keys and wallet onto her counter, threw on some sweats and a t-shirt and flopped down onto her bed.
She hated this. She hated that this was her reality. The reality where she meant the world to Kara, but Kara only saw her as her sister.
She stared up at the ceiling, wishing, praying, and hoping that someday things might change; that she wouldn’t have to watch Kara be happily involved with anyone but Alex… But she knew it was only wishful thinking. She just wished it didn’t hurt so damn bad.
Just then… There was a knock at her balcony door, and with a defeated sigh, Alex sat up to watch Kara walk inside.
“What’s up?” Alex managed to ask.
“I called Kelly to ask her how she was doing, and was shocked when she said that she was fine, that although she was sad, she knew eventually you two would be able to be friends again.” Kara stated accusingly.
Alex gulped. She hadn’t wanted Kara to know about the break up yet, but Kelly was her friend too, so she shouldn’t have been so shocked that Kara would want to check up on her. “Kara…”
“Mind telling me why you thought you had to lie to me?” Kara queried, hurt and worry clear in her voice.
“I just… didn’t want to deal with it, okay? It’s complicated.”
“It may be complicated, but there is nothing that we can’t handle together, Alex. I want to be able to be there for you whenever you need me, and when you’re going through the most significant break up of your life, I think you may need me… At least I hope you do.” Kara admitted as she walked over to Alex and sat down beside her on the bed; wrapping Alex in her arms. “I want to be here for you, Alex. I love you. Please tell me what’s going on.”
Alex fought back her tears. “I love you too, but this is… This is something that could destroy us if I tell you about it. I can’t risk that. I won’t risk that.”
“There’s nothing you could do that would make you risk losing me.” Kara stated assertively.
Alex gave a humorless chuckle. “Yes there is. You said the same thing about Lena, and now she’s your enemy.”
Kara frowned. “That’s different. She decided that she wanted to take away people’s free will and started working with Lex. You would never do something like that. You’re not Lena, anyway. She was just my friend, you’re my sist-”
“Please don’t say it…” Alex croaked. “I-I don’t want to hear that tonight.”
Kara gave her a hurt look. “What don’t you want to hear?”
“The word sister.”
Kara’s hurt look grew exponentially more hurt. “Are you saying… Are you saying you don’t want to be my sister?” She asked heart brokenly; which made Alex want to die more than she already did; and if her mission in life weren’t to protect Kara, she would have already done so.
“I’m saying that the word ‘sister’ doesn’t do justice to what you mean to me.” Alex said, trying to bring back Kara’s happiness, while also covering her tracks.
Kara gave Alex a sweet smile and then reworded her last statement. “Fine then how about this: Lena was just my friend, but you’re the most important person in my life.” She said/ “There, is that better?”
Alex gave Kara a longing smile and nodded. “It is. But it’s only temporary. I’ve seen how you are around William now that you two are together… Soon enough, he’ll be taking on that title.”
Kara frowned. “What are you talking about, Alex?”
Alex shook her head and gave a dismissive wave. This wasn’t a fair conversation to have with Kara. Kara was allowed to fall in love; and Alex had no right to burden Kara with her own jealousy. “Nothing… I’m just really upset about the break up. Of course I need you, Kara. I’m just not ready to face this right now.”
“Well, whenever you are ready, I’m here for you.” Kara said earnestly as she kicked off her shoes and laid back against the headboard, gesturing for Alex to do the same. “For now though, how about we cuddle and talk about anything but relationships… How about we talk about how much we love each other?”
Alex laughed; mostly at how horrible her luck was. Because that’s one thing she couldn’t talk about… At least not fully. “How about we just… enjoy each other’s presence instead.” She replied as she obeyed Kara’s silent request and cuddled into her side.
“You know, whatever is going on in your head, you can tell me, and we can fix it, right? We’re Alex and Kara. We can get through anything.”
Alex smiled wistfully. If only it were that easy… “I can’t, Kara. Please trust me when I say that.”
Kara squeezed her tighter. “I trust you with every fiber of my being, Alex… But I also know that you’re wrong. You aren’t capable of turning into a monster, like Lena is. So I know that there’s nothing you can’t tell me.”
“If J’onn had the ability to wipe your memory after I told you in case things went south, then maybe I would… But Kryptonians are mind control resistant, so I don’t even have that to fall back on. If I told you, it’d be permanent, and I'd have to live with the consequences. I can’t risk living in a world where you hate me.” Alex said somberly.
Kara frowned and pulled back to look at Alex with worry and hurt. “Alex… You’re worrying me.”
Alex’s heart was starting to thud with fear. “Please Kara, I’m begging you to let this go.”
“Fine, I’ll let it go for now on one condition.” Kara said sternly.
Alex gave her a hesitant smile but agreed. “Alright.”
“You can’t let Kelly leave our friend group like your other exes did. I understand why Maggie was banned… She was terrible, but Sam was awesome, and I LOVE Kelly, so please don’t make her stay away.”
Alex chuckled and shook her head in adoration. “I love Kelly too, of course she can still come to game night. We didn’t break up because of something nefarious.”
Kara squealed. “YAY! I didn’t want to have to pretend to hate her for your benefit.”
Alex laughed at her cuteness. Only Kara had the ability to make her laugh when her heart was threatening to explode in grief. “Never, Kara. Kelly is great.”
Kara kissed Alex’s forehead. “So are you, Alex. Just because it didn’t work out between you two doesn’t mean you aren’t incredible too.”
Alex sighed contentedly and smiled as she rested her head on Kara’s shoulder and closed her eyes. Tonight had been terrible and she’d had a close call, but she’d managed to overcome the huge hurdle and her feelings were still hidden… She just hoped that now that she no longer had someone to distract her from her longings for Kara, she would still be able to hide her feelings for Kara.
The following week had been rough. She felt her need to touch and hold Kara overwhelm her. She knew that she was texting her and checking in on her far more regularly than she normally would when she was with Kelly, but she hoped that Kara would just assume that it was because she was mourning the loss of her relationship with Kelly… Because she couldn’t stop herself no matter how hard she tried.
That was how she found herself walking into Kara’s loft at 9 in the morning on a Saturday with a box of donuts in one hand and a carrier with two coffees in the other. But as soon as she closed the door behind her she dropped everything in her hands…
Kara was shirtless on top of William (who was also shirtless) and they were making out.
The noise jarred Kara out of her sex-induced bliss and she sueprsped back into her clothes and faced Alex with wide, panicked eyes. “Alex! I wasn’t expecting you.”
Alex clenched her jaw and fought down the jealousy raging within herself. “Yeah, sorry. I should have texted first. I wanted to surprise you with donuts and coffee. Sorry.” She clenched her jaws as she watched William sit up and hurriedly button his shirt. “I should probably text you now that you have a boyfriend .” She said, trying to hold back the venomous way she said that title.
“Oh, it-it’s okay, Alex. We just weren’t expecting you, that’s all. Here, why don’t you go sit down and I’ll superspeed over to the donut shop downtown and get us donuts and coffee again?” Kara suggested sweetly as she picked up the mess Alex made when she dropped the snacks.
Alex shook her head; her heart burning with envy and aching. “No, it’s fine. I-I should get to The Tower anyway. I’ll text you tonight and see if you want to hang out then, alright?”
“But, Alex I-”
Alex didn’t wait to hear the rest of Kara’s sentence before she was out the door and down the hallway. As soon as the elevator doors closed behind her, Alex allowed her tears to fall. She realized that now that she didn’t have a relationship to bury herself in to distract her from her longing for Kara, her life was going to be a hell of a lot harder…
And it was all because of that damn Brit.