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2020-04-01
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2020-11-03
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55/?
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World on Fire

Chapter 50: FIFTY

Summary:

Sansa and Ned have a chat.

Notes:

Much awaited Daddy/daughter chats.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

 

“Your Aunt and Uncle, and some of your siblings will be looking to head home again in the coming week... Not everyone will be going, just those who have things they need to get back to sooner than later. And if you are ready for them to also.”

 

Sansa hadn’t expected her Dad to say that.

 

She knew it would be coming soon obviously, and she did realise that her family all had lives and studies or jobs of their own to get back to. Plus with the holidays coming up fast, they would likely want to find some semblance of normalcy in the chaos that was their world now.

 

But she hadn’t expected it so soon either.

 

She didn’t want to be selfish either though, not after they had put everything aside at a moments notice, to be there for her as soon as they could. And not when they had all given up weeks of their lives to stay South for her also.

 

They had stayed for their Mother, and for the family as a whole, and for themselves too. She knew that. But they came because she had come back from the dead. And her Dads words were as much a request for permission, as they were a statement of fact.

 

They were ready - or perhaps it was more that they were pushing themselves and wanting to be ready, to start rebuilding.

 

Their Mothers case was now in some sort of legal limbo, thanks to the Dissociative Amnesia that the psychologists working at Kingswood State had tentatively diagnosed, pending further evaluations. There was nothing more that anyone but Kevan, as her legal counsel, could do for her for the moment. Because even if he was successful in his bid to have the charges dropped due to her obvious mental instability, or at least have her case held until she was mentally fit to face the court, they wouldn’t be able to see her for weeks, if not months, while she was being treated in the psychiatric hospital she had been moved to.

 

And Sansa herself, was starting to find her way also.

 

It had only been two days since the incident with her Mother, and her own breakdown. But in that time she had allowed Jaime and Oberyn to set her up with a psychologist to help her learn to live with her PTSD, and to help her wade through the horrible moments that had caused her to suffer from it. She had also pushed herself beyond the sharp incline in her mountainous road, to find some peace and breathing room also.

 

She had come back stronger.

 

She didn’t want to think of it quite like she knew everybody around her was doing, because she didn’t think she was some miracle worker. But she had been smacked down hard with the situation between her and her Mama, and she was still breathing and trying and hoping for better days.

 

She had even made a point of physically thanking both Uncle Kevan and her Father in law for what they had tried to do for her and her Mama. - She had done so when she come to learn that her amazing, protective and wonderful friend was more than a little bit angry at them. - She had hugged them both in thanks, without fear or even discomfort really, knowing that nothing would calm The Lioness faster, than seeing that she held nothing but gratitude towards them herself.

 

They were all also aware, and were seemingly welcoming of the fact that she and Jaime had made their relationship a bit more official.

 

All of that considered, it shouldn’t have surprised her that her family were wanting to step back and breathe themselves.

 

She was slowly taking steps towards her own hopefully, happy and healthy future, and there was nothing more they could do for their Mama for the time being, but grieve the circumstances and try to rebuild.

 

She hadn’t expected that they would be leaving her so soon. But she had to respect their needs as they were respecting hers too.

 

Sansa smiled sadly and bumped her Dads shoulder with her own, and then sighed happily at the way he didn’t even hesitate to pop his arm around her back and shoulders, where they sat together on the bench in the garden, watching Rickon and Bran as they argued and played with Cappy.

 

The ease with which he showed her affection, was becoming smoother and smoother and she was so very happy that it was, because it felt more natural to her. Which made it more normal. And she hadn’t even realised how much she had been missing the real care and affection that came from the unconditional love of a true parent.

 

“I’m not sure I’ll ever be really ready to be so far from you all again.” She admitted quietly. “But we all do need to start moving forward, and if that first step is for those who are ready to go home, doing so? Than I am ready to be ready.”

 

Her Dad smiled at her softly and leaned in to press a scratching stubbled kiss to her forehead, making her close her eyes so she might wistfully soak up the feeling of safety and home that that simple gesture had always managed to give her.

 

“Do me a favour and explain that to your sister hmm? Benjen had to pick her up by the back of her shirt last night to stop her from attacking Robb for suggesting it... She was thrashing about something fierce.” Sansa laughed incredulously at the mental picture that popped into her mind at her Dads amused words, and shook her head. “She doesn’t want to go home yet, which is fine, I’ll be staying until at least the holidays myself, and Lannister has already made it clear we are welcome to come and go as we please, so long as we notify his staff in advance. So I won’t be pushing any of them to go if they don’t want... But some of them do need to.”

 

“The holidays.” Sansa paused uncomfortably and bit her lip. “It feels like a lifetime since I-“ Sansa trailed off, not comfortable at all, with finishing her thoughts out loud.

 

She hadn’t celebrated them since before. And the last time she did, was sort of tainted for her too, because it was the happy memory she would cling to the most, in her darkest moments.

 

She remembered every single thing about those particular holidays, from the lingering scents of roasted dinners, and baked good. The excessive amounts of nutmeg that Robb had dumped in the eggnog in an attempt to hide the amounts of alcohol Theon had snuck into it. To the crisp whiteness of the heavy snowfalls outside the windows, and the warmth of the fire places in every room. She remembered every gift that everyone received. She remembered Rickon chasing the dogs down the stairs and around the house in nothing but his boxers because Arya and Bran had let them all into his bedroom to wake him up before he was ready to be woken. She remembered Jon drunkenly grinning at her as he attempted to dance her around the room without falling on her, while they rang in the New Year. She remembered being happy.

 

And now those memories took her somewhere else entirely.

 

“They come around every year Love... If you’re not up to it this year?” Her Dad whispered hoarsely, and shrugged. “Then we will try again next year... The rest of us will need them I think... To find some joy again, after everything. - But don’t you feel pressured to force yourself back home and back to something else that might overwhelm you Hmm? If you need to be here with Jaime, where you’ve found safety and a home, be here.” He squeezed her to his side gently and kissed her head, making her sob softly.

 

She had expected that even less than him telling her that her siblings were ready to move forward too. And her heart was fit to burst over just how understanding and forgiving and loving her Dad truly was.

 

“I love you Daddy.” She sniffed and cuddled into him.

 

“Aye, I love you too Sweetheart.” He replied. “They all do too. - Which is why they’re already making plans and a bit of a schedule amongst themselves about regular weekly video calls for everyone... There was some mention of setting up a way to have us all on the screens together as well as the individual calls to you, no matter where any of us are, somehow. - Bran will deal with all of that and let us know.” Sansa pulled back and smiled at him in surprise, and he returned it with that beautiful rare wide smile, that made his eyes crinkle at the corners. “See? You won’t even have the chance to miss them all, thanks to technology. And even if you aren’t ready to travel back North yet, - even for the holidays - you will still be a part of every moment that you need or want to be, because we are family Love.”

 

Sansas heart melted inside of her chest at how wonderful it all sounded. And at the idea that she mattered enough for them to go to such lengths to keep her in their lives now that they had her back. - Because despite their need to get back their own lives, they didn’t want to abandon her to hers, and risk not having her involved somehow.

 

She pushed herself into her Dads arms properly and let the tears flow yet again, while she rested against his chest and listened to his steady heart beat under her ear, and the beautiful realistic creation of ink that he had scarred his body with to honour and mourn her. The very image she had blushingly asked him to show her just that morning, and then spent over an hour studying closely and crying over.

 

She was getting sick of crying... But at least it was more happy tears than anything else in recent days.

 

 

“You haven’t asked me about Royce.” Her Dads gruff, quiet voice interrupted her thoughts.

 

It was as much a question as it was a statement, except that she knew that he didn’t expect her to answer if she didn’t want to either. He was simply introducing the topic for her to decide if she wanted to discuss it. And he was doing so rather nervously, if the way he cleared his throat and even hugged her to himself a bit tighter was any indication.

 

He was right. She hadn’t asked him about Doctor Yohn Royce. She hadn’t asked, because she didn’t want her suspicious subconscious mind voicing doubts about her Dad, if his friend failed to live up to whatever praise he might give the man. She didn’t want to question the trust she blindly had in him, if she come to find that she couldn’t trust this Doctor who claimed friendship to her family.

 

“I’m meeting him this afternoon Dad, and you will be there with me when I do... So I guess I didn’t think it.... You like him and trust him.” She finished lamely.

 

“Aye. I’ve known him a lot of years Sansa.” He stopped and cleared his throat. “Which I realise is not necessarily a shining endorsement, given the circumstances.” She tipped her face to smile sheepishly at his embarrassed muttering. “He’s the one who pulled me out of the deepest hole I found myself in, when you...”

 

“When I died.” She finished for him softly.

 

“Aye.” He sighed heavily.

 

“You haven’t asked, and I don’t want to sway your mind in any direction really... I just needed you to know that I believe he’s offering to help you, because he’s not a man who will willingly stand back unless he is ordered to... He’s the man who’d lead an army against insurmountable odds, because he had faith it was the right thing to do.” Sansa swallowed hard and waited for him to explain his thoughts. “When you-“

 

“Died.” She supplied at his uncomfortable pause.

 

“Aye... I called him... A bit lost and upset I suppose I’d call it... It was worse for me, than when your Uncle Bran died, and I certainly didn’t handle his loss easily.... You’d been gone for - a few weeks maybe? And I couldn’t handle it at all, I was a wreck.... Within a week of my first call to him, he organised himself for a bit of leave. - Left his practice to his partners, told his family that he was taking a bit of a break to do some travelling around... And he came North... He came to me... He didn’t push, didn’t tell me what I should be doing or feeling. He didn’t even tell me to slow up with the drink... He just listened... Made himself available to me, privately and as a friend... And he just let me fall apart until I was in a better spot to put myself back together.” He explained quietly.

 

Sansa blinked slowly up at her Dads very serious face.

 

Her Mother, she had known and even expected to have sought out help. She had always leaned on... Him, when she was struggling emotionally. But she had never expected to hear that her Father had leaned on someone experienced in psychology also. She just sort of assumed that he would do as he had when her Uncle had died, and for every other heavy moment he lived, and leaned on his siblings for support.

 

“He’s a friend who I would willingly trust with your well being Sansa... But you are by no means, under any pressure to make nice with the man. I’m comfortable with him, because he’s someone that I’ve known since I was younger than you are now, and though we were never really what I would call close necessarily? He dropped everything to support me through losing you, because I needed someone who could. And he did it in a way that proved he had absolutely no interest in any sort of personal gain.”

 

“Unlike a certain other Family friend who once had the blind trust of one of my parents, and numerous other members of one side of my family.” She finished almost harshly, the words he didn’t say, for him.

 

Her Dad sighed heavily and nodded.

 

The sadness and anger and pain and guilt evident in his soft grey eyes. He had never liked Him, and she knew that well. But he had trusted him enough to let him around his family. - Or rather he trusted his wife’s - her Mother’s trust in the man, to allow it.

 

That was why she hadn’t wanted him to speak to his friendship with someone she needed to decide to trust for herself. She wasn’t prepared to trust someone just because someone she trusted, trusted them.

 

“Yohn Royce is a good man and a good friend... But you are my daughter Sansa. - I tell you these things only so you understand what I imagine is his reasoning for offering to help you. And also my reasons for not encouraging a more.... Lannister-like level of vetting, and maybe even interrogation too, before I let him near you.” His voice cracked with emotion as he spoke.

 

“I failed you once already My Girl.-“ He swallowed thickly and closed his eyes as he leaned in to hug her a touch tighter. “I failed all of you, by letting someone close who I didn’t like or really trust personally, because I trusted the opinions of others to guide my acceptance... I won’t make that mistake again, and I won’t ask you to either... Not even if they share our blood or your Mothers... If you can’t bring yourself to trust Yohn Royce, after meeting him for yourself, than I will respect that, and I’ll make sure he does also... If you can’t bring yourself to trust someone in our lives, all you need do is say so... And they won’t be in our lives anymore. - Because, Love, you and your siblings are the only thing that matter to me in this world. And I won’t fail to protect you again.”

 

Daddy.” She whimpered and pushed herself into him as hard as she could.

 

She wasn’t willing to let go. Not when she could hear the hitches and cracks in his voice that told her he was barely holding onto his own tears again.

 

“I’ve got you now. I’ve got you back Sansa, and I’ll not be losing you again... I’ll not be failing you or abandoning you again... And I don’t care if that means that we lose some people along the way, who aren’t as important as you and your siblings.... Because there isn’t a sole in this world that is as important as any of you. - Not to me.” He promised earnestly, his voice low so only she could hear.

 

It was a promise that she needed to be offered. One that released a long locked up, broken part of her soul. And she hadn’t had to ask it of him. He had given it freely, understanding that she needed it.

 

He hadn’t failed her.

Notes:

It’s been awhile! - and I actually didn’t do as much of a read through before picking back up, as I ordinarily would, so hopefully it fits!

Up next should be the absolutely necessary introduction of Yohn Royce!! Hopefully I can get onto it in coming days. But it depends on whether I get some updates/editing done for my other poor neglected works! (Or whether I get a chance to steal my laptop off my son long enough to do any of that, rather than updating from my phone!) We shall see!!

Let me know what you think!