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eighteen.

Summary:

Wei Wuxian wants to scream, scream and tell Lan Wangji how he feels. Tell Lan Zhan how desperately he loves him, tell the whole world his devotion for the man that has always put on a cold facade to protect himself, but there is no time.

“Lan Wangji, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife?”

Wait. Wait. “Wait!”

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Regret. The taste is sour in his mouth, more pungent than any alcohol he has ever tasted. Wei Wuxian checks his appearance in the mirror once more, wanting to look his best on the day his heart officially gets broken, though his face says more than enough. There are prominent circles under his swollen eyes, rims red from the excessive tears that has long spent by now. Poison would taste sweeter than jealousy and regret.

“A-Xian,” calls his Jiang Yanli. “It’s time.”

Wei Wuxian tries his best to smile, allowing his sister to apply some concealer to cover himself. He laughs at himself. The first time he hears that Lan Wangji was engaged, he felt sick. His hands were trembling and he could barely stand up, but still, he put on his best smile and congratulated him. Ah, he thought, so this is it. He came home to his sister’s embrace and brother’s fury, but there was nothing any of them could do. Lan Wangji, his Lan Zhan, has finally found someone he had wanted to cherish and Wei Wuxian has to finally let his love go. A love that was doomed from the start.

“How are you feeling A-Xian?” asks Jiang Yanli.

Wei Wuxian smiles, lips trembling. “I’ll get through it,” squeezing his sister’s hand that was placed on his shoulder.

It was a summer night when they first met. Some overly extravagant charity attended by the most prominent names in business. Wei Wuxian was sick of it all, the fake smiles and backhanded compliments. He excused himself and took a walk, planning to spend the rest of the night by the fountain, counting the stars. He would have never expected another boy to already occupy his spot. The boy was dressed in whites and pale blues, colors that Wei Wuxian has long forgone in his life as it dirties easily with his clumsiness. It must have been fate that pulled them together that night, it must have been destiny that kept them beside one another, and it must have been predestined that they would part, one broken hearted and the other living on.

“There he is!” Lan Xichen calls, “Our best man!”

Wei Wuxian plasters his biggest grin and laughs. It sounds hollow in his ears. Would Lan Zhan notice.

“Here I am! Gege, you look great in your suit!”

“So do you!” Lan Xichen replies just as enthusiastically. “Come, I’ll show you to brother!”

Wei Wuxian can feel his palm sweats. “There’s no need!” he says, “Lan Wangji must be busy with all the preparations! I’ll just go around greeting guests.”

What a joke, he thinks. He wants to laugh at himself, scream, kick, run away. He wants to be anywhere but here, yet he can’t find it in himself to turn away. Not when Lan Zhan will finally start a new life. Wei Wuxian believes quite positively that he’s a masochist, accepting the role of best man. He had dreamed that he would be in an altar, making his own vows with Lan Wangji on the other side, accepting him as husband. IT was nothing more than wishful thinking.

“Wei Wuxian!”

“Ah! Jiang Cheng! You’d look better without that scowl on your face,” Wei Wuxian teases.

Jiang Cheng frowns deeper. “How are you?”

Wei Wuxian laughs, “Why does everyone keep on asking me that? I’m fine! Really! I’ll be fine.”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t seem convinced, but there was nothing more he could do. With a defeated sigh he says, “The ceremony is about to start. We better take our place.”

Winter. Wei Wuxian has always loved winter. Loves it even more when he realizes how ethereal Lan Wangji looks amidst the falling snow. That day was special, it was the first time Lan Wangji has ever asked to hang out with him. He had always thought that his one-sided approach would annoy the other boy, but I guess I was wrong. Lan Wangji took him to a house, it was simple and cozy, thought it doesn’t seem to be lived in for quite some time.

“This was where my mother lived,” Lan Wangji said.

Lived?

“She passed away two years ago. Cancer.”

Ah.

“I-I’m sorry,” Wei Wuxian says. He knows how it feels to lose someone you lose. He knows it all too well.

“En.”

Lan Wangji leads them to the back where the garden awaits. It was a beautiful sight despite the scarcity of flowers. Wei Wuxian follows Lan Wangji, stopping at a worn out garden bench.

“Here.”

Wei Wuxian, “Hm?”

“This was where my mum used to take us.”

Wei Wuxian can feel his heart beats. He feels warm. Lan Zhan was trusting him to tell him these stories.

With a smile he says, “Tell me more, Lan Zhan.”

“Wei Wuxian!” Jiang Cheng calls, breaking Wei Wuxian out of his stupor. He smiles at his concerned brother, patting his shoulder before they walk out towards the altar to be beside the groom. What a wonderful day.

They waited for a minute before the music starts and Lan Wangji shows in his elegance. Wei Wuxian has never realized how much Lan Wangji has grown. They had similar physique until few years ago when Lan Wangji had his final growth spurt, managed to grow bigger, taller, more handsome. Wei Wuxian tears his gaze away from the groom and tries to clam his shaky breath. He can’t afford to cry now, not in front of Lan Zhan, not on his wedding day.

Wei Wuxian holds out his hand to find Jiang Cheng’s and holds him tightly. He looks up to find his sister frowning, expression clear as day that she was also suffering because of him. He can’t afford that. He smiles. He smiles even when his cheeks hurt and his lips shakes. He smiles even when he can’t feel the ground he’s standing on. Lan Xichen glances at him, gaze questioning, but Wei Wuxian smiles at him too. Smiles because that’s the only thing he can do now.

At last, Lan Wangji arrives at the altar. Wei Wuxian can smell the familiar scent of sandalwood that he would never be able to cherish again. He had to bite his lips to stop a choked sob escape. He can feel his hands shake even when Jiang Cheng was holding his so strongly, grounding him. He needs to thank Jiang Cheng later, maybe treat him to a bottle of Emperor’s Smile.

It was finally time for the bride to enter, and Wei Wuxian can’t find it in himself to look. He knows who she is, an heir to another prominent family. This marriage would only bring more good into Lan Wangji’s life, Wei Wuxian can’t ruin it for him. Not when Lan Zhan has done so much for him. He needs to let Lan Wangji go so he could live his life happily, not anchored to Wei Wuxian, someone that can barely keep his head above waters. He needs to learn to survive by himself, he can’t just keep relying on Lan Zhan. Yes, this will be the first lesson.

Wei Wuxian can hear the priest ta talk, but he can’t seem to understand a word that come out of his mouth. The vows exchanged and now,

“Luo Qingyang, do you take this man as your lawfully husband?”

“I do.”

Wei Wuxian’s head snaps up. He can’t do this. He though he could, but he can’t. He can hear a ringing in his ear. His head is spinning. He can’t do this. He needs to stop this. No, he needs to get out of here. His legs feels like jelly, he can’t move. He’s rooted to the spot. It was as if all his life, all he has ever asked for was really going to disappear. Lan Wangji was only an arm’s length away, but he has never been anymore further than now. Not even when Lan Wangji was giving him the cold shoulder. Not when Lan Wangji was disappointed in him after that fight he had with Wen Chao. Not even after he had somehow managed to anger all the elders of the Lan family.

Wei Wuxian wants to scream, scream and tell Lan Wangji how he feels. Tell Lan Zhan how desperately he loves him, tell the whole world his devotion for the man that has always put on a cold facade to protect himself, but there is no time. Wei Wuxian has run out of time. 14 years of his life he had spent beside Lan Wangji, and now Lan Zhan will slip away from his fingers.

“Lan Wangji, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife?”

Wait. Wait. “Wait!”

Everyone’s gaze snapped to Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian clasps his mouth. He has ruined Lan Wangji’s day. He is so selfish that he can’t even keep his desires to himself. Despite it all, he finds himself speaking,

“I-“

Lan Wangji was looking at him. A frown was marring his perfect face, his gaze worried. You shouldn’t frown Lan Zhan. You shouldn’t be worried for me.

Lan Wangji reaches his hand out, “Wei Yi-“

Wei Wuxian shakes his head, and laughs quietly, pathetically to himself. “I… I have something to tell you, and it’s okay if you hate me after this, it’s fine. I’ll be fine, but please just hear me out.”

“Oh, A-Xian,” Wei Wuxian hears Jiang Yanli says.

“I…” Wei Wuxian laughs. He can’t do this, but he has to. Especially after all this commotion that he’s making. He’ll say whatever he has to say, and he’ll bolt out of here. Lan Zhan doesn’t need to see him anymore. I’m sure he’ll despise me after this.

Wei Wuxian wipes the tears that had already spilled onto his cheeks and smiles. “Lan Zhan, I have loved you since we were 18. I… Maybe even before. Maybe when the night when we first met, but… I have always loved you—and I’m so happy that you finally meet your someone! I really am. I’m sorry for these selfish ramblings of mine, but Lan Wangji you should cherish her like how you had made me feel cherished and loved. You should show her your mum’s garden in bloom—“

He hears Lan Xichen gasp at the mention of their mother, and he can feel the deathly stares he is receiving from the Lan elders, but he goes on,

“You are everything I had ever wanted, and Luo Qingyang how lucky you are to be able to see the side of Lan Zhan that no one will even ever get a peek at.”

Jiang Cheng, “Wei Wuxi-“

“Brother please,” Wei Wuxian says, his eyes pleading. Jiang Cheng steps back, hands clenched by his side. “I had always wanted to keep you by my side, but I guess it was a foolish dream of mine. You have such a golden heart, and a pure soul, I can see how beautiful your family will be—“

Lan Wangji frowns deeper.

Wei Wuxian chuckles, “Don’t frown Lan Zhan, I’m sorry for disappointing you. I had always wanted to say that I want to keep the love that you had made me feel ever since we were 18, but that would be selfish of me. So, this is goodbye. You won’t ever need to see my face ever again. I love you Lan Wangji, and I’m sorry.”

Wei Wuxian walks away, down the altar and towards the door. He did it, no matter how pathetic he had looked, he had finally done it. His heart feels much lighter, and he feels like he can finally move on now.

“Wei Ying, wait!” Lan Wangji calls out.

Wei Wuxian halts his steps, his lips trembling. “Lan Zhan, you should go back to your ceremony,” he turns around, “You don’t wa—“

Wei Wuxian was stopped by a kiss. His eyes widened, his body rigid, frozen to the spot. He pushes Lan Wangji away with shaky hands, but the other won’t let go. When Lan Wangji finally breaks off the kiss, Wei Wuxian sees that his eyes are red.

“Lan Zhan,” he says, hand reaching up to swipe the loose strand of hair away from his forehead. “Why are you crying?”

“I love you, Wei Ying.”

“W-What?”

“It has always been you,” Lan Wangji says, one hand caressing Wei Wuxian’s cheek.

Wei Wuxian staggers back. This can’t be happening.

“No, no. You got it wrong. You love Luo Qingyang. You’re supposed to love Luo Qingyang.”

“But I don’t”

Wei Wuxian’s hands trembles. “I don’t understand.”

Lan Wangji begins. “I have loved you since we were 18. Long before we even understood what it meant. From the night I met you to the day I’ll finally release my last breath. It will always be you. Only you—“

Wei Wuxian shakes his head.

“All I can do is say that these arms were made for holding you. They have always yearned for you warmth in its embrace, against mine. I want to love you like you made me feel when we were 18.”

“No…”

“Yes,” Lan Wangji says with determination. “I love you.”

Wei Wuxian can’t breathe. This is too good to be true.

“Do you.. Truly?”

“I do not lie, Wei Ying. You know this.”

A silent beat. One, two, three seconds pass. No one says anything, not even a breath was heard. The tension is a heavy blanket above them all. So many questions, so many words to say,

and Wei Wuxian laughs. Lan Wangji must have thought he had finally gone mad. “Wei Ying!”

“Tell me this is not a joke, Lan Zhan. Tell me that you truly love me,” Wei Wuxian says as he places circles Lan Wangji’s neck and the other places his hands on Wei Wuxian’s waist.

“You know I do not joke,” Lan Wangji says with a frown.Wei Wuxian chuckles, “I know. I know, my sweet Lan Zhan. My Lan Wangji. I love you.” His heart flutters with warmth.

“Mn,” Lan Wangji agrees happily, ears flushing pink. “Love Wei Ying, too.”

Wei Wuxian laughs, finally freely, without restraint. To hell this wedding and the yelling he would get after this. To hell the Lan elders and everyone that hates him. They can try bring him down, but he won’t back down. No, he won’t. Not when he has this, Lan Wangji in his arm looking at him with love so intense in his eyes Wei Wuxian wonders how he must have missed it. Not when Lan Wangji finally loves him back,

and somewhere in the back of his mind, a thought whispers to him,

I knew we’d be fine.

Notes:

i really hope you had enjoyed this!

please give me feedbacks so i can further improve my writings, and if you want you can follow me on twitter @reejunie (https://twitter.com/reejunie).

not gonna lie i cried writing this, it just hurt so much when wei ying was hurting.