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Blind Trust

Chapter Text

Gulf POV

- Phi, why are you doing this?

Gulf’s anguished voice sounded all around the house. It was easy to tell he was about to cry. And the reason was no other one than…

Mew Suppasit.

Gulf felt like his all world was falling apart. He never actually thought, the person he loved the most in the world would do this to him. He fought, and fought, with all his strength to hold on, but it seemed it didn’t pay off at all. And now his worst nightmare was right in front of his very own eyes.

- What do you mean? - Mew asked with tired eyes.

Tears build up in Gulf’s eyes as he heard the defeat in his partner’s voice.

- Why are you doing this to us? Why are you giving up? - Gulf was frustrated with his Phi.

Why wouldn’t he fight? Why was Gulf the only one fighting for this?

- I’m just doing what I should’ve done a long time ago. Now, I’m strong enough to do it.


- No! Don’t lie to my freaking face! - even though Gulf was an easy-going type of person, he was very passionate about the things that mattered to him. He felt his voice rising - Don’t say you’re doing this now because you feel strong! You are just doing it ‘cause you’re afraid!


- Turn down your voice, I’m still older than you - Mew said in a low tone.


- Being older doesn’t mean you’re in the right here. I’m upset! You won’t listen to anything I say. You’re doing this, and still, you want me to calm down?! You’re such a coward!

Gulf knew nothing he said was going to pass Mew’s walls. The older made a decision and was being stubborn about it. Turning around, the younger looked at the room they were at. Mew’s living room was a place that held a lot of good memories. Of them. Together. Laughing. Being themselves. Loving each other.

But now, it was also the place where his heart broke into hundreds of pieces.

- Did you ever trust me Phi? - he asked defeated.


- What kind of question is that Gulf? - Mew answered frustrated.


- It’s a simple question. After all the time we’ve been together, did you ever fully trust me?


- Of course I did… Of course I trust you Gulf - Mew said without looking at his eyes.


- No. You didn’t. You want to know why? Because if you did, you wouldn’t be doing this.

Gulf had been so certain, his actions would bring down Mew’s fears and insecurities. He actually thought his love was enough. He put so much effort into their relationship. He tried to show him, every single day, how much he loved him and that he was the light of his life. But it seemed it wasn’t enough.

His love wasn’t enough.

- Are you certain about this P’Mew? - he felt like giving up. He didn’t have any strength left in him. If Mew was giving them up, what was the point of him fighting a losing battle?


- I… - Mew started to say.


- Let me just tell you something - the younger interrupted him - if you do this, there is no going back. I will stop fighting for this. I will stop treating you like I’ve been doing all this time. My heart will break and there will be no way of putting it back together. If you regret it in the future, there won’t be any trust left in me to forgive you. Do you still want to do this?

They looked at each other’s eyes. One looking for something that would give him a little bit of hope. The other one, looking for the truth of the words that just been spoken out.

- I…

Gulf held his breath.

Chapter Text

Several months ago

Mew POV

Everyone in the BL fandom knew Mew Suppasit.

He was one of the most talented newbie actors in 2018. He landed a part in the popular series “What the Duck?” as one of the main characters.

Even though he had been in the entertainment industry for a few years, and made little cameos here and there, being Pree (his character’s name) was what made him popular in the BL world. More, after that famous proposal scene in bed.

He alongside his fellow actor (who we’re not going to name), were automatically shipped by the fans. Being in a ship couple meant a lot of things for them. Sponsorships, events, or even the chance of being in another series together. And they actually hit it off. They found a lot of things in common and had a really good time doing vlogs and lives on SNS. Fans were going crazy with their interactions.

They even got the chance to be in the second season of “What the Duck?”.

But… everything that goes up… must come down, right?.

Mew opened his eyes as he woke up from his nap. Something was making a silly noise. He tried to clear his eyes with his hand as he searched for the insulting noise. It felt like his eyes were made of sand.

- What in the world…? - he mumbled to himself.

He continued to rattle his bed in search of his phone, probably the one making the noise. A call, he assumed.

Finally, after a good 5 minutes, Mew finally found his cellphone, even though it already had stopped ringing. Unlocking his phone, he looked at the notifications on the screen.

2 missed calls: P’Boss.

Sighing, Mew looked at the hour.

6:00 PM.

It was late afternoon. He napped for 2 hours. He must have been really tired if he was able to sleep 2 hours in a row. He woke up early that day to go to a couple of auditions. He was planning on taking a side character with little screen time. The first one wasn’t that bad, it was for a horror series placed in a school. He auditioned to be a teacher. The character was simple and had only a bunch of lines, it was something he could do in his sleep.

But he got cut out in the second round.

The second audition was for a BL series. It was like a remake of a very popular series. They wanted to make the whole thing from the beginning and to continue with the story. Everyone knew the series was going to be a big deal. So he put every single skill he had into his audition. And Mew had hoped he could get a part. Even a small one.

But he was pretty sure he didn’t.

Tired and frustrated, he had got into his car and went home. The past months hadn’t been nice on him. Everything was going to hell in his professional and personal life. He went from one of the most popular actors in Thailand to nobody in less than a week.

What had happened you ask?

That was a long story. One that isn’t its time to tell yet.

But, fan's opinions are something that shouldn’t be underestimated. They can give you strength and make you feel like you rule the world, or they can destroy you in a minute. Opinions are important when you live in this kind of world. Your reputation is everything. And if you go down… it’s not easy to go back up.

Mew got up from his bed and went to the bathroom to clean his face. He looked at himself in the mirror. It was obvious he was having a rough time. He had eye bags big enough to hold a dwarf on each one and looked pale as hell. His face looked thin because he couldn’t find it in him to eat. He knew everyone around him was worried about his condition. He knew.

But there was nothing he could do about it at that moment.

His phone started ringing once again, and Mew went back into his bedroom to find it. Looking at the screen he sighed when he looked who was calling.

- Hello? - he said.

- Mew? - answered P’Boss, his manager.

P’Boss was his manager as well as his best friend. They’ve been together for a long time now. Mew felt extremely thankful for him. When it all went south he stood by him. He had actually thought P’Boss would have been the first one to leave him as his reputation was trash at the moment. But no, he stayed and defended him against the public’s judgment. Even though Mew had told him to find another actor to represent, he had always answered the same thing:

“If I leave, who will take care of your whiny ass?”

His answer still made Mew smile.

- Yes, Phi. Why are you calling?

- I wanted to know how the auditions went - P’Boss hasn’t been there with Mew because he had family issues to resolve. He had been hesitant about leaving him, but Mew assured him that he would be fine on his own.

- They went ok, what about your family? Is everything ok?

- Yes, they’re ok now. What do you mean they went ok? - P’Boss didn’t allow him to change the subject - They didn’t give you a part, did they?

- It’s alright Phi - Mew said with a tired voice - I knew it would be pointless to try.

- It’s not pointless! We need to keep trying. Maybe if we go to commercial auditions and start from there…

- Why am I even trying at this point? No one is going to offer me a part after he… - Mew couldn’t even say it.

- Why wouldn’t they? It wasn’t your fault. Besides, you’re really talented and you love acting.

P’Boss was right. He did love acting. The feeling of finding himself in another person’s world, seeing everything from his eyes was exciting and fulfilling to him. He knew the first time he did it that he wanted to do it for as long as he could. But maybe, his time had come. He wasn’t as young as before. At 27, he was considered a veteran in the industry. Shows were casting younger people, with more energy and fewer problems.

- I know, Phi. But maybe that’s not enough. Perhaps I should retire. I’ve done my best. Maybe I can finish my PhD and start working at my college as a teacher or something.

- Mew… are you being serious?

- I don’t know, na Phi. But I’m getting tired.

P’Boss went silent for a while. Probably thinking of a way to convince his friend to not give up hope. But it was hard to encourage someone that had so many doors closed to his face.

- Let’s do something.

- What now Phi? - Mew was frustrated with his insistence.

- Try one more audition. Just one. Find a BL series casting. Go there and try it. If they refuse to give you a role, I’ll support whatever decision you make in the future regarding your career.

Mew thought about it. Was he ready to get a no into his face once again? Well, no one is ever ready for something like that. And if he did that, he could really think about what to do with his life, without thinking about what P’Boss would say.

- Fine, I’ll do it - Mew said defeated.

- Ok. I’ll find something for you tomorrow. For now, eat something and please, get some sleep.

- Yes, pho…

After they hung up, he stayed in his bed for a while. One more audition. Just one, and he might be able to finally finish this. His chest felt empty at the thought of not being able to be in front of a camera again, of not hearing the words “action” and “cut” ever again.

But… some things are meant to be.

Mew took his phone once again and opened Twitter. He didn’t like to go to social media lately, but for some reason he wanted to talk to the few fans, he got left. They weren’t many of them, but the ones that stayed warmed his heart and soul with their comments.

Something caught his attention. He was tagged in a post about an upcoming BL series. “TharnType the Series” he read. The comment section was flowing with his fan's comments.

“P’Mew would be perfect for this role”

“He should really try it”

“Phi! Please come to this audition”

“Yes Phi, we will go with you”

Intrigued, Mew looked up what the series was about. Apparently, TharnType was a famous novel by the same author that wrote the “Love by Chance” novel. MAME was her name. Mew remembered that series. It was really famous and had a lot of good feedback. This new series would be like a prequel, with characters of the same universe.

Mew wasn’t sure if he should try that one. Such a well-known story wouldn’t cast him to be in there. But the more he read about the story, the more he felt like it was calling for him. Maybe he could try a small character, maybe an older character. Like Tharn’s brother, or his best friend P’San.

Decision made, Mew sent a reply on Twitter.

“Maybe I’ll try it”

Almost immediately, a lot of comments and replies started coming to his phone.

Feeling a little bit better and calm, Mew sent a message to P’Boss.

"Phi, don’t look up for anything. I found an audition for this week"

Chapter Text

Mew POV

It was morning when Mew woke up. His blurry vision was stuck on the ceiling. He was thinking if the decision he made was the right one.

Once again, he was preparing himself for failure.

He studied the plot and the characters until late the night before. He was thinking about auditioning for San’s role. He thought it was the character that suited him the most, as he was one of the oldest roles in the story. Maybe, if he was lucky enough, he could be in the series for an episode or two.

Searching for his glasses, Mew got up from the bed. When his vision finally cleared, he took his phone to see his fans's comments on Twitter. Most of them had said they would go with him to this audition, and he was grateful for that. But at the same time, it would be humiliating to fail the audition with his fans as witnesses. He was in a profound dichotomy.

“Today’s the day”

“Yep. He’ll be there, right?”

“He said he would”

“Let’s wait for him at the entrance. I want to give him my support since the beginning”

Mew smiled reading the comments. Well, at least someone was waiting for him to go.

He dressed with a pair of jeans and an oversized shirt. Looking at himself in the mirror, he could tell he was losing weight. The shirt looked way too big on him.

Bathed, dressed, and ready to go, Mew called for his manager to come and pick him up. A couple of minutes later, P’Boss called him asking Mew to come out. When they met in the car, Mew couldn’t hold back an irritated stared when he saw his manager’s smirk.

- What has you so happy today?

- I have a good feeling about this audition. I know something good is finally going to happen.

- And you know this how? - Mew’s skeptical tone wasn’t missed by his friend.

- Can’t you be a little more positive for once? There is no need to behave like a child about it. Show more happiness in your face, for dear god. Nobody would cast a gloomy actor for a romantic series.

Mew sighed and turned his stare to the window. Watching the view, he started to mentally prepare for the reaction he would get when he got there. Even though a lot of the actors that presented themselves for this audition were newbies, it was dumb to think they wouldn’t know him or his story.

Half an hour later, he and his manager arrived at the place. Mew saw a lot of faces, in which there were some of his fans. They were in a separate group in a corner of the entrance. It always broke his heart seeing them like that.

After the incident happened, the remaining of his fanbase was treated as badly as him. A lot of people lashed at them because they defended him. And, as thankful as he was for that, he also felt guilty and sad seeing them being treated like that. But every time he said something about the issue to them they would answer a variation of the same sentence:

“Why wouldn’t we support you P’Mew? You didn’t do anything wrong”

It still amazed him the level of faith they had in him. At that time, Mew hadn’t talked about the scandal at all. He had chosen to remain quiet and let the people express their opinions freely. He had thought that it would be pointless trying to defend himself. Sometimes, people think what they want to think, and it wouldn’t matter how much he’d try to clear the problem, their thoughts would never change. They made their decision about him and judged according to that. But his fans stood by him, without even knowing what had happened.

And for that, he would be forever thankful.

Feeling his eyes starting to water at the memory, Mew put some sunglasses on and got out of the car. P’Boss followed him closely.

- Will you be ok if I leave you? Do you want me to stay with you? - he said.

- No Phi, I’ll be fine on my own. And besides, I’m not alone. They’ll keep me company - Mew said pointing at his little group of fans.

- Ok. Call me when you finish. I’ll go sort some things out.

- Sure thing. See you later.

After they said goodbye to each other, Mew approached his fans. They all got visually excited after seeing him and a chorus of “P’Mew”s was heard. That alone made him smile. His fans were the cutest, in his opinion.

- P’Mew! You actually came! - a fan said.

- Yes, here I am. I thought I could try a part in this series. Not keeping high hopes though.

- P’Mew, don’t say that. I’m sure you’ll get cast. I think Tharn’s character suits you. I always imagined someone like you while reading the novel - another fan said with red cheeks.

- I haven’t read the novel, but I think I’m a little too old for that character. I’m thinking about trying P’San or maybe Tharn’s older brother.

- Any character you get will be equally amazing. This is a really good story and its characters are really complex - a third fan commented.

- Thanks. I think we better get inside. Please do so, as I need to make a call. Be right behind you guys - Mew said smiling. He didn’t actually need to make a call, he just wanted some time to compose himself. And to prepare.

After his fans did as he asked, Mew looked at the sky and breathed. It was a cloudy day, just as his mood. Trying to calm his heart, he thought about all the times he had done that in the last few months. He knew what was going to happen once he got inside. He just hoped he didn’t encounter anyone he knew.

A little bit calmer, he decided to go inside the building. Putting all his walls up in place, Mew put a blank expression on his face.

When he finally got to the audition’s waiting area, Mew stopped and looked around. A lot of the faces turned and looked at him. He recognized a few of them. Some looked surprised, maybe thinking he wouldn’t actually show up. Others looked at him with a mix of disgust and judgment.

Yep… nothing had changed in a week. He was getting used to getting that look.

Mew gaze stopped at a corner and saw his little group there waiting for him. He went to them and said:

- I’ll be right back. I just need to report myself for the audition. Wait here.

All of them agreed and wished him good luck.

Walking to a table, he talked to the young lady sitting there, probably organizing the audition.

- Good morning khrub - he waied the girl.

- Good morning, Phi - she answered.

- I’m Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat. I’m here to audition for San’s role.

- Sure. Give me a minute - she said as she wrote something in a board, after that she grabbed a paper and handed it to him - Can you fill this up?

- Khrub.

It only took him a minute or two to fill the paper asking for his basic information. After that, he returned it to the girl.

- All done.

- Thanks, Phi. Here. Put this in front of you so we know when to call you - she said while handing him a paper with the number “0020”.

- Thank you so much - he said as he made a wai - I’ll wait there - he pointed to where his fans were sited.

- Ok kha. Please wait for your turn.

- Khrub.

Mew turned and went to where his fans were. He was looking at the floor, as he didn’t want to look at anyone’s face. He didn’t need more hatred that morning. As he looked up for a moment, he noticed a young boy with a weird hairstyle, sitting at a table with 4 or 5 guys. For some reason, it looked like the guys were protecting him. He didn’t look familiar to Mew, but something made him unable to look away.

- Do you think he likes that boy? He’s been looking at him for a while - Mew heard a whisper.

He turned his head looking for the one who said that, but he realized there were a couple of people looking directly at him.

Ashamed, Mew looked at the floor once again and went to his waiting place.

He found a barstool and sited there in front of his fans, turning his back to other people.

- Did you report Phi?

- Yes, I did. Now I have to wait here for them to call me - he said with a forced smile.

Time went by. There were a lot of people waiting for their turn. He posed and took pictures with his fans to pass the time. Their interactions actually made him feel a little better. As he was about to get called, a fan said to him:

- Phi, do you know that boy?

Mew looked around, not knowing who was the boy she was talking about.

- Who?

- That one - she pointed at a corner - number “0064”. He’s been glancing at you every once in a while.

He turned around once again, and looked at the corner she said. He found himself looking at the boy with the weird hairstyle once again. He was staring at him, and when he found out that Mew was looking at him as well, he looked away flustered.

Mew’s heart sank. The guy was probably trying to figure out where he knew him. And if he did, it was probably from the scandal.

Who didn’t?

He didn’t know why he felt so empty about that. But the thought of that boy looking at him with the same disgust as everyone else left him feeling sad and disappointed.

- No, I don’t know him - Mew said quietly.

- Number “0020” you’re up! - someone shouted.

- That’s you, P’Mew! - the fan he was talking to said.

- Su su na, Phi! - all of them said at the same time.

- Thank you all - he said with tears in his eyes. He really didn’t deserve them.

Taking a deep breath, Mew went inside the casting room. And prayed.

Even though, he didn’t know what for: to finally get a role or to not get it.

Chapter Text

POV Mew

It was the next day when Mew heard his phone ringing. He was getting out of the bathroom drying his hair with a towel.

Looking at the phone’s screen he saw his manager’s name and answered.

- Hi, P’Boss khrub.

- Mew! Oh my god, Mew! - P’Boss sounded breathless.

- P, please take a breath… What’s wrong? Did something happen? - Mew started getting worried. P’Boss had said that he had some family issues he didn’t want to share with him. Not because they weren’t close, but because his manager didn’t want to stress Mew with his problems.

- They called! - he finally said.

- Who called? What are you talking about? - Mew was getting impatient.

- The people from yesterday’s audition. They just called. They want you for the second round - his friend sounded excited.

Mew went speechless. His brain couldn’t catch up to the news. He didn’t know how to feel. The audition had gone well, but he didn’t have actually expected to be called. Maybe they had liked the way he portraited San’s character.

- Are you still there? - Boss’s voice got him out of his thoughts.

- Khrub, I’m here - Mew said in a low voice.

- Aren’t you happy na?

- Yes. Of course I am - he was happy. Of that, he was sure.

- You don’t sound like it.

- I’m just surprised. That’s all. When is the second audition? - Mew asked.

- The day after tomorrow. Be prepared.

- I always am.

He was still lost in thoughts after hanging up with his manager. He couldn’t believe he actually got called back. Did they not know who he was? Or maybe they didn’t care, as he was auditioning for a small character. He was only going to have minutes of screen-time.

Should I go to the second round? Am I ready for this? Will they give me a chance to redeem myself?

He was having a mild anxiety attack. He had had those for a while now. Ever since the scandal happened.

“Are you sure this is a good idea, P’Mew?”

He could still hear him in his head, saying those things he had hated to hear, but still allowed in the grace of avoiding confrontation. He was a people-pleaser after all. He had never wanted to give him a reason to start a fight.

Why shouldn’t I try?

He didn’t want to give that person another reason to believe he had dragged him down even deeper than he was at that moment. He was going to go to that audition. Because his family believed in him. His fans believed in him. P’Boss believed in him.

And for now, that was enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mew looked up at the building in front of him.

That was kind of a deja vu, being there for the second time that week.

- P’Mew, do you want to go inside? - a fan asked.

- Yes… sure. Let’s do this - he said with a tense smile.

Going inside the room he saw fewer people than the first day. Understandably, as a lot of the applicants were cut off the first day. Fewer people meant less weird looks at him. And he was ok with that.

His eyes couldn’t help looking for a certain weird-looking boy. He was really curious to know if he had passed the first audition. He didn’t even know what character he was auditioning for, but for his height, he could assume it was for one of the main characters. He looked young though, as a newbie.

Mew remembered the conversation he had with his fans the other day after he got out of the casting room.

He just got out of the room, feeling satisfied with how his audition went when one of his fans got to where he was.

- P’Mew! How did the audition go?

- It was ok. I think I did a good job khrub - he was being sincere with that. He didn’t expect much, but he did put all his skills into that audition.

- Did you get to meet MAME?

- No. But the director was there. He seemed to know what he was doing.

- Do you think you’ll get a role? - another fan asked.

- We’ll see - he didn’t want to raise his fans’s hopes, just to see them crashing down with disappointment.

- P, we found you the perfect screen partner na - a fan excitedly said.

- What? - Mew was beyond confused. A screen partner?

- Kha! We think you would look really good with him. He’s number “0064”. He was looking at you the whole time! - the girl squirmed - We asked his IG while you were auditioning.

- You did what? - Mew laughed awkwardly. His fans were little nuts.

- Yes, P. We wanted to know him. He looked so shy when we talked to him. So cute!

Mew paused and turned around, trying to look for the young boy they were talking about. He remembered who he was, but he thought it was ridiculous to think the boy would be looking at him.

- What number was it? - he asked.

- “0064”, P’Mew. His name is Gulf.

Gulf… So that was the boy’s name.

Even though Mew looked around, he didn’t get to see Gulf in the room. Maybe he didn’t get another call. Mew was a little bit disappointed. He was hoping to see him once again. Something in that boy triggered him in a weird way.

Maybe it was for the best he didn’t get called back.

Just as he was about to go and sit down, the center of his thoughts came through the door wearing jeans and a striped shirt. His hair looked so much better. It was down and on aside. Mew couldn’t look away from him.

- Hey, look! - a fan said - It’s Gulf. He got called back as well!

- Aspirants! Please come inside the casting room - a girl screamed, getting him out of his trance.

- Got to go, guys.

- Good luck na, P’Mew!! - they all said.

Mew laughed. His fans were the cutest thing ever. He always found a way to smile at them. He didn’t want his mewlions to see him and be worried or sad because of him. It didn’t matter how hard things got, he would always have a smile for them.

Getting inside the room, Mew sat down and waited for his turn. A lot of guys tried auditioning for Tharn’s and Type’s character. He was watching from afar, seeing the peculiarities of each one. He also saw Gulf’s audition. He wanted to be Type, apparently. Mew didn’t know why, but he thought it suited him somehow. He was actually quite impressed with his face and attitude’s transformation. He went from a shy little guy, to angry and bad-mouthed in a blink of an eye. But for some reason, he seemed uncomfortable and tensed around the guys that were auditioning for Tharn. He seemed indifferent to other people’s actions.

It was finally his turn. He got up from where he was and made his way to the front of the table where MAME and the director were sited. He waied and presented himself.

- Sawadee khrub. I’m Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat, I’m here to audition for San’s role.

- Can you do a scene with P’Gulf over there as Type? - MAME asked while looking at him in the eyes.

- Like… the confrontation scene? - he had read San’s lines the night before. They had sent the script to P’Boss for him to study.

- Yes. The scene in the restaurant. Did you study it?

- Khrub. Not a problem.

Mew moved to where Gulf was waiting for him. He looked at the boy’s eyes when he got there and saw nothing but nervousness and kindness.

Wasn’t him uncomfortable, doing a scene with him?

It appeared he was ok because he waied at him the moment they were in front of each other.

- Sawadee Phi - he said with a smile.

- Sawadee - Mew answered after a minute.

- What should we do? - he asked as he looked at the script the staff had given him.

- Just as the script says. We need to have a confrontation. Type’s jealous but is reluctant to accept it, so you need to get mad at me. Do you need a minute?

- I’m ok, Phi. Whenever you’re ready - he said excitedly.

- Let’s do this.

*Action*

Type ran out of the restaurant. He was mad. At himself, at Tharn and especially at that jerk… P’San.

- Dammit! - he said frustrated - He should’ve told me.

Why couldn’t Tharn tell him about that kind of stuff? He was his boyfriend, for dear god!

At that moment he heard someone behind him talk.

- Here you are? You ok? - P’San said with a smirk on his face.

- I’m fine - Type quickly said.

- What’s your relationship with Tharn?

Was this guy even serious? Why did he care?

- Roommate - Type hesitantly said.

- Good - P’San said with satisfaction on his face - So, you’re just his roommate. Other than being his senior and his brother’s friend, do you know what else am I?

Type just continued staring at him with a scowl. The older moved until he put his arm on Type’s shoulder.

- I was his first… and his only time - he finished smugly as he walked away.

Type’s fists clenched. He had to be fucking kidding! Tharn was going to hear him when they got home!

*Cut*

Mew looked back at Gulf and was surprised by what he saw. The boy’s face was red with anger, the veins were out because of the force he was using at clenching his hands, and his eyes were glossy with content fury.

It was such a view.

He could hear the people on the table behind his back, talk. Ignoring them, Mew approached Gulf and talked to him.

- Are you ok? - he said in a low voice.

The younger one took a deep breath and talk back.

- Khrub Phi. Sometimes I get carried away by strong emotions like anger - he said with a smile. It seemed that he had calmed down.

- Mew Suppasit - the director, P’Tee, called for him.

- Khrub, Phi - he said as he approached the table.

- We wanted to ask you something. Would you be interested in auditioning as Tharn?

Mew went silent at that. They wanted him to audition as the main character? Didn’t they know who he was?

- Phi, can I ask you a question? - Mew started saying after the bomb they just had dropped on him.

- Go ahead.

- Do you know who am I?

MAME, P’Tee, and the rest of the people at that table took a moment to look at each other.

- Yes, N’Mew, we know who you are and your story - MAME was the one who answered.

- Then why…? - Mew couldn’t believe they were offering him that opportunity.

- Because we saw in you talent and commitment to the work you do. I don’t care what happened in the past, Mew. That has nothing to do in the way you act. If I think you’re fitting to my character then I’ll cast you. Are you up for it?

He didn’t give it a second thought.

- Yes. I am.

The staff gave him a script for Tharn’s character. It was a lovely scene. In it, Type and Tharn were already together, and Type had to kiss Tharn while he was working on his laptop. It was pure love and warmness.

Mew knew what it was for. It was a chemistry test. It was an important thing in this type of series. If your main characters didn’t have chemistry, then the series wasn’t going to be successful.

Mew’s heart sank a little bit. If the guys casting for Type knew about him, then they were probably going to be tense and awkward around him.

Except… maybe him.

His eyes looked for Gulf once again. He found him reading a script, probably the same one he had.

The casting session went as he expected it. He tried the scene with a bunch of Types, but none of them was relaxed enough to get a good shot.

Then it was Gulf’s turn.

They looked at each other in the eye and smiled.

- Ready Phi? - he whispered.

- I’m ready.

In the scene, Type was supposed to be on a bed, but as they were standing up, Mew put his head on Gulf’s shoulder and pretended to be on a laptop.

Almost immediately, Mew felt Gulf’s fingers in his hair. He slowly smiled and turned his head a little bit.

- Having fun? - Mew said with a mocking voice.

- Yes - Gulf said as he continued to play with his hair.

- If you had fun - Mew said still smiling - keep doing it.

Gulf smiled a little bit and then he paused for a moment. He seemed hesitant to do the next part. They weren’t supposed to kiss for real, but Mew imagined they at least wanted some angle kiss or something.

Sensing his co-actor couldn’t do it, he got up from his shoulder and took his cheek with his hand, bringing Gulf’s face close to his. Gulf’s eyes were wide open. They looked at each other for a while until Mew realized the younger’s ears were bright red.

*Cut*

Mew let go Gulf’s face and looked at him, looking for discomfort or awkwardness. But he didn’t find any. He just looked a little shy.

- Are you ok? Did I make you feel uncomfortable? - Mew asked worriedly.

- No, Phi - he said with a smile - I’m just shy na.

- Thank your guys, you can wait for the results outside - P’Tee said.

Mew waied and thank them for the opportunity, and went out to find his fans.

They greeted him with wide smiles.

- P’Mew! - they all said when they saw him.

- Hi guys.

- How did it go? - one fan asked.

- It was good. I did a scene as P’San and then they asked me to audition as Tharn as well.

His fans started to scream.

- I knew it!

- That’s amazing!

- I knew you’d be perfect for that character!

- Guys - Mew said - I just auditioned for it. It doesn’t mean I got the role.

- Who did you audition with? - a fan on the back asked.

- With all the guys that came to audition for Type.

- Who was your favorite?

- I felt comfortable with “0064”…

He hasn’t even finished the sentence when his fans started screaming again. He laughed awkwardly.

- What? - he asked.

- Gulf, P’Mew. His name is Gulf - a girl said with a knowing smile - Can you ask him to come here and meet us?

- Ahhh… - Mew hesitated - Sure, let me find him.

Mew went looking for the boy. He found him sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, playing something on his phone.

- Hey - he greeted.

- Hi Phi - he greeted back with a smile.

- So… umm… My fans want to meet you, is it ok if you come with me for a moment?

- Sure Phi, I met them the other day. They are lovely - Gulf said laughing.

- Thank you for treating them so well - Mew sincerely thank him.

- Of course Phi.

Mew got to where his fans were with Gulf and said to them:

- Here he is. Everyone, this is Gulf.

- Hi P’Gulf - they all said.

- Hi - the younger said with a bright smile while he waied.

- How did P’Mew act, P’Gulf? - one fan asked him.

- Phi’s acting is very good. And he’s handsome too.

Mew looked at him, feeling shy.

- Can we take a picture of both of you? - another fan asked.

- Of course - Gulf said as he moved closer to Mew for a picture.

- Every applicant, please go inside the casting room! - the same girl from before screamed.

- They’re calling Phi - Gulf said to him - Good luck.

- Likewise.

They went into the room. And for the second time, Mew prayed.

But this time was for him to get the role.

Chapter Text

POV Mew

It still felt like a dream.

He got selected. For Tharn’s role. The main character.

Mew had to pinch himself to prove he wasn’t dreaming.

This kind of thing didn’t happen to him. Not lately. But somehow, MAME and the crew saw something in him that made them give him a chance.

A chance he was going to protect with fangs and claws. He wouldn’t let the same thing happen twice. He was going to be professional and do what he had to do to make the series a success.

He still needed to talk to his co-actor.

That thought made him think about Gulf.

He was the one that was selected to be Type. And Mew would be lying if he said he didn’t felt his heart make a jump inside of him when he heard that.

- Who did you feel more comfortable with while acting Mew? - MAME had asked him before giving out the results.

- Umm.. - Mew thought about it. Most of the guys that auditioned with him, just made him feel judged and bad about himself… except one - N’Gulf khrub.

He didn’t know if that answer was why Gulf got the main as well. He didn’t think so, as Gulf turned out to be a really good actor from his perspective. Maybe they liked their chemistry.

The fact that Gulf seemed excited to work with him, instead of resigned, calmed his fears a little bit. One of the reasons why he didn’t audition for main roles anymore, was because finding a partner that felt comfortable with him was really difficult.

 - Phi! P’Mew khrub! - Mew heard more than saw Gulf approaching him with a bright smile - Congrats! I heard you got Tharn’s role.

- Yes I did - Mew said a little more excited - and you got Type’s - MAME had told him before he left the room.

- I’m really excited to work with you, Phi - Gulf said almost bouncing in his feet.

- Really?

- Khrub, Phi. I know you are really experienced in this industry, and I want to learn a lot from you - Gulf said innocently.

Mew just looked at him. Was he for real? Mew had thought that Nong would at least google him or something.

Did he really doesn't know about him? Or was he just trying to ignore it for the grace of his first big role?

- Umm… - Mew didn’t know how to answer that.

- You somehow made me feel comfortable when we auditioned, and shy. Really shy. That didn’t happen with the other guys I auditioned with - Gulf had said while blushing a little bit - That’s why I told MAME I wanted to do this series with you.

Mew held his breath for a moment. He couldn’t believe what this cute nong was saying to him. Did they really choose each other?

- I’m excited to work with you too, N’Gulf. Let’s do our best so this series is a success - Mew said a little more calmed and focused.

Mew wasn’t going to let the same thing happen twice… Same thought. Now he was repeating himself.

For this job, he was going to put limits and draw lines between Gulf and himself. He was going to have to touch him, that’s obvious. They needed to be comfortable with each other enough to make the scenes believable and natural. But other than that, Mew wasn’t going to touch N’Gulf at all. He didn’t want Gulf thinking weird things. He was going to be extra careful with him, and everything would be fine.

Standing in his kitchen, trying to make tea, Mew was deep in his thoughts. He needed to put all his walls back up. The walls that had crumbled a bit after seeing Gulf smile sincerely at him.

Waiting for the water to heat up, Mew took out his phone from his back pocket and opened Twitter. He wanted to read the fan’s reactions to the news, about him getting the main role.

“I can’t believe they picked him. I actually thought he would’ve learned his lesson”

“Why would they do this to poor N’Gulf? He must be feeling really bad about this decision. I just hope he doesn’t do anything to him”

“They should reconsider his pick. I don’t think he deserves another chance”

Heart on his throat, Mew felt discouraged. But he couldn’t be surprised, or even angry at them. What they were saying wasn’t anything he hadn’t thought before. He was terrified about seeing how Gulf would react when he read all this.

He continued reading until his water was hot enough for him to make the tea. It had been a while since he drank anything but water and tea. He used to enjoy drinking beer and wine in the comfort of his own house. But he hadn’t drunk alcohol in a long time.

Not since that day.

“Have you ever thought about it, P’Mew?”

Mew took his hands to his ears to quiet down the words. Even though he had tried to forget that day and its consequences, it was still hard.  

Why can’t I forget? How long is this going to hunt me?

He tried to slow down his breathing. He was pretty sure he was having a full panic attack. His throat closed, preventing the much-needed air to come into his lungs. His eyes watered as he tried once again to take a deep breath. He started to count backward in his head, hoping it would calm him down enough for him to take some air.

10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

He did it a couple of times until he felt his throat open once again, allowing him to take a deep breath.

He slowly opened his eyes. They felt like they were burning and he could feel some moisture on his cheeks. He unclenched his fists, and looked at the palms of his hands. They looked colorless and they were trembling.

Mew was now used to having those once in a while. They had started a few months ago, after that night. He hadn’t told anyone about them. He still didn’t want his family or his friends to worry. Well… friend.

After the scandal, a lot of mutual friends took his co-star’s side, as the public did. They didn’t give him the chance to explain himself. They didn’t listen to his side of the story. They believed everything that person said about him and judged him.

Just like everybody else.

Only one of his friends tried to reach out. P’Jane.

Jane was a canadian girl he met in high school. She had come to live in Thailand when she was 17 when her parents died in a car accident. As she didn’t have any more family, a distant relative took her in and brought her to Thailand. They were in the same classroom and really hit it off. She was funny, intelligent, and really wise for her age. She quickly became his best friend. People often had confused them as lovers, and, as beautiful as she was, Mew had never thought about her that way. And Mew was pretty sure she hadn’t either.

- You have to call me P’Jane - she had said with a smile.

- Why? We’re the same age - Mew had whined.

- Your birthday is in February and mine’s in January. So suck it, I’m older than you!

- For less than a month!

Mew smiled a little bit, thinking about the girl that was like family to him.

His family had taken her in as she was part of it, and they became inseparable. Every time Mew had had a problem and needed advice, she was the one he came to. He trusted her with his life. More than his mom. More than his sister.

But… love makes us do things… and makes us stupid.

Jane never liked his co-star. She often used to say she didn’t trust his eyes.

- It’s weird Mew. I really don’t trust him.

- Why? He had done nothing to you - an irritated Mew had answered.

- His eyes don’t speak out the truth. He’s saying something, but his eyes are saying otherwise - she had said a little sad.

- I don’t know what you’re talking about. We are just friends. We work together.

- Oh, Mew… - she had looked at him, pity on her eyes - I know you. You’re already too far gone.

As time had passed, and Mew had continued to work with him, he had slowly stopped talking to her. He didn’t want to hear her words. Those words that he once had trusted blindly. He didn’t want to let the doubt get in his mind.

They distanced themselves and talked to each other less and less every day.

After the scandal, she tried to reach out to him. She called, and messaged a lot of times. She left multiples voice messages, begging him to call her back. But he didn’t.

He was way too embarrassed and ashamed.

He didn’t want to hear the “I told you so” speech. So he hadn’t answer. And a month later, she had given up trying to reach him. Now, as much as he wanted to call her, he didn’t dare. But he needed her, her advice, now more than ever.

Mew reached for his phone once again, but as he was staring at Jane’s number delivering if he should call her or not, another number popped up on the screen.

N’Gulf calling…

Mew’s heart rate started to speed up. Gulf was calling him. He answered and put the phone near his ear.

- Hello?

- Sawadee khrub Phi - a cheerful Gulf answered back at him.

Mew couldn’t help smiling at hearing the happy voice of his co-actor. How could he be so happy all the damn time?

- P’Mew khrub! - Gulf had called him before he left the building.

- Yes?

- Can I get your LINE ID? - he asked a little bit blushed.

Mew had stood there, stunned by that Nong’s direct question.

- You know… to talk about the series and the workshops.

- Yes… sure. Here - Mew had taken his phone to put his ID on the nong's phone.

- Thanks, Phi! Is it ok if I call you before the first workshop?

- Yes… It’s ok - Mew had said with a small nod.

Mew was still a little bit stunned by his bluntness. In the audition, Gulf had given him an air of antisocial attitude. Like a loner. He was sitting in a room with a bunch of his friends, but somehow he had looked lonely and in his own world.

But after all… we can be in a room full of people, and still feel lonely.

Somehow, the young boy felt comfortable with Mew. It seemed like Gulf could be himself around his Phi.

- I know Phi will protect me…

That’s what Gulf said in the TEP interview they had a couple of weeks ago. He had been ultimately surprised. They had only been together for a couple of days, and he confidently said that in an interview.

- Phi! - Gulf’s voice brought him out of his thoughts.

- Yes! I’m here.

- Were you daydreaming? - nong said in a mocking tone.

- Yeah… what were you saying?

- I was asking if you got the assignment P’Tee sent us.

- The “Call me by your name” scene? - P’Tee had sent a script to P’Boss for him to study. He was supposed to act a scene of that movie with Gulf.  

- Yes. That one.

- Yes I got it yesterday. Why? Are you nervous about it? - Mew said worriedly.

- Not at all - Gulf said lightly - I just wanted to know if you were aware. Let’s do our best at this Saturday’s workshop!

- Sure thing Nong. See you Saturday.

------------------------**------------------------

Workshops. Doing them once again.

Who would have thought?

Mew felt a thrill inside his all body. He hadn’t felt that in a long time. He was so ready to do this again.

He entered the building looking for the room where the workshops were being held. Inside the room, he immediately located his partner. He was sitting against a wall, once again alone, looking at his phone like it was the only thing in his world.

Mew directed himself to the table at a corner of the room to get something to eat. He left really early in the morning and didn’t have time to eat breakfast. As he was about to get a strawberry, a shadow stood by his side. He turned and was surprised to see his former friend and co-worker Mild.

Did Mild get a role in this series?

Mild had previously worked along with him in “What the Duck?”. They had quickly become friends and spent a lot of time together. Mew remembered Mild calling him when “that” happened, but Mew never picked it up. At that time, a lot of his friends had called to bash at him, and he assumed Mild was going to do the same. So Mew had ignored him.

- Well, well, well… he lives - Mild said while looking at him.

- Mild…

His face was deprived of emotions. Mew didn’t know what he was thinking about.

- I called… you know - Mild said with a sad voice - I heard what happened. I knew there was no way you would do something like that. He was full of shit. I thought you might need a friend, but you just cut me out.

- Mild… I’m sorry - Mew said feeling guilty. He had pushed all his real friends out of his life because he had been scared. Scared of not being trusted and being alone. But somehow, he had ended up alone anyway. Because of himself.

- If it wasn’t for Jane, I would have never known how you were.

- You’ve been talking to Jane? - another guilt wave shook his body.

- Yes. She’s been asking P’Boss about you. When you didn’t pick up my calls, I reached out to her. But apparently, you had cut her out as well. She told me you probably just needed time, and that when you were ready you’ll call.

Jane had always been so in sync with him. She knows him better than anyone.

Why didn’t I call back?

- You’ve been an asshole to her, you know? - Mild said when Mew stayed quiet.

He knew. He was aware.

- I’ve been one to you too, apparently - Mew said a little sad.

- Yeah… But I can take it. I’m ok with giving and receiving tough love. But her… you've hurt her.

Mew’s eyes teared up a bit. He had a lot to mend and a lot to work on.

- For what is worth Mild, I am really sorry.

- It’s ok P’Mew - Mild said while touching his shoulder - Just don’t do it again - he finished with a smile.

---------------------------**-------------------------

- I need both of you to sit there and hold hands for a while - P’Tee said to Mew and Gulf.

- Khrub - both of the main actors responded.

They sat on the floor and took the hands of each other. They needed to start feeling comfortable, as episode one’s filming was going to be soon.

- Why are your hands sweaty P’Mew? - Gulf asked.

Mew was more nervous than he was letting see. He hadn’t touched a guy in months. And the last time he did it…

Yeah… that.

So, he was thinking, maybe his body was having a trauma reaction or something like that. His hands felt cold and they were trembling.

- It’s ok Nong. It’s just a little hot in here - Mew said with half a smile on his face.

Gulf didn’t seem to believe him, but at least he didn’t call him on it.

They spent minutes like that. Just holding hands and looking at each other. Sometimes Gulf would turn red and look away, and sometimes Mew would start smiling out of embarrassment. After half an hour, P’Tee told them to separate, and Mew got to his feet as fast as he could. Then, he walked away saying something about a bathroom.

He needed time to compose himself. He didn’t like Nong’s touch. It was just work. His heart was beating like a beast because he was nervous. He wasn’t going to let his touch get to him.

Putting his wall back up, Mew got out of the restroom.

Once again he located Gulf pretty quickly. Looking at him, he saw something that looked like annoyance in his eyes.

Did I do something wrong?

- Now, you guys are going to act the scene I sent to you. All of you got a different scene from different movies. P’Mew and P’Gulf, if you please go first - P’Tee said.

He and Gulf went to the middle of the room and sat on the floor. The rest of the crew and cast moved to the walls and waited to see them act.

It was a simple scene. Elio and Oliver were on the ground talking, and then Elio kissed Oliver. It was simple but full of passion and lust. Which was one of the main things in Tharn and Type’s relationship.

He and Gulf started saying their lines. Mew had expected to have an angle kiss, as actors never kiss each other in workshops. But he was wrong.

Damn… he was so wrong.

All of the sudden, Gulf took the collar of his shirt and pulled him towards his face. Mew closed his eyes by reflect until he felt Gulf’s lips on his.

Then Mew opened his eyes and looked at Gulf’s closed ones.

Was this kid for real?

Mew could hear the mumbling and whispers around the room, but he concentrated on being Oliver. So he quickly returned the kiss, even though he didn’t go that far.

He separated himself from Gulf and opened his eyes. Nong was looking at him amused and with a confident smile.

- I’m not a leper. It’s ok to touch me - he said smiling.

Oh shit! Mew was beyond fucked.

He felt the wall he build up so carefully just minutes ago fall down.

I’m so fucked.  

Chapter Text

POV Mew

- Did you talk to her? - Mew heard Mild say over the phone.

- Not yet.

- Then what are you waiting for? A miracle to happen? - Mild said sarcastically.

Yeah… that would be a good excuse.

Better than the fact that he was scared. Scared that he had hurt her too deeply and she wouldn’t forgive him.

- I’m preparing a speech for her - he said mumbling.

- What?! Are you kidding me? Do you think you can do this like when you do your essays??? - Mild almost yelled at him - Just call her and say sorry!

- Alright! Jesus…

- I’ll call you later, and you better have called her by then.

- Yeah, yeah… Talk later.

Mew hung up the call and stared at his phone. He was really happy Mild came back to his life. He hadn’t realized how much he missed him until they got in touch again. His friend got a no-bullshit type of personality and that’s exactly what he needed right now in his life.

So meddlesome. But Mew was grateful for him.

Once again, Mew looked at the contact on his screen.

P’Jane 😋

- Promise we will always talk if we get mad at each other - she had said one day at school.

- Why would we be mad at each other? - Mew had asked confused.

- Someday I’m sure we will. Because that’s how relations work. I just don’t want you to shut down and push everybody away. Promise me you’ll talk to me if someday we get into a fight.

- Ok, fine… I promise.

He had been one hell of a friend… right?

Ok, Mew… man up for once. You’ve run for too long.

He hit the call button and waited.

One ring… two rings… three rings…

- MewMew?

Mew held his breath as tears came into his eyes. He missed the way she said his nickname. As much as he hated it back in the day, now it sounded like music to his ears.

- Hi… Jane - Mew said hesitantly.

Jane kept silent for a few moments. Mew thought he was too late. The wounds were too deep and he had lost her.

- It’s P’Jane… you asshole - she finally said.

Mew started laughing as a tear escaped his hold. Somehow it wasn’t too late.

- I missed you, sis - Mew whispered.

- Me too MewMew - she took a minute to say - Please don’t do it again.

- I won’t. I promise - he had learned his lesson. This time he would keep his promise no matter what.

-----------------------**---------------------

- You’re in a good mood today, Phi - Gulf said.

It was the last workshop before they film the episode one.

Mew was still a little apprehensive around Gulf since what he likes to call “The Kiss”. A kiss he couldn’t get out of his mind and his dreams, it didn’t matter what he does. It chase him every day and looking at his Nong’s eyes only made it worse.

He was supposed to be distancing himself from the cute Nong, but somehow every turn he made, Gulf was there with his beautiful smile.

- You think so? - Mew answered.

He was in a good mood. He had spent the entire evening talking to P’Jane, making amends. She was still a little hurt, but she was more than willing to forgive him.

That was more than he deserved, but he was going to take it.

- Khrub, Phi. Did something good happen?

- I got a piece of my life back. A piece I thought I lost - Mew felt like he was being way too cryptic and Gulf wouldn’t understand it.

- I’m happy for you P’Mew. This time, don’t let it go - Gulf said softly while looking at Mew’s eyes.

Mew looked at him surprised. How much did Gulf know about him?

- Nong… you…

- Ok! MewGulf I need you here with me now! - P’Tee interrupted him.

- He’s calling us Phi - Gulf said while taking his hand.

Mew looked at their hands. It was still kind of weird for him. Ever since that first workshop, Gulf started to touch him every chance he got. They were simple touches. Sometimes he took his hand, sometimes he put his hand on his shoulder. Sometimes he would look at Mew, like waiting for him to do something.

It was driving him crazy. Maybe he was reading too much into it.

- Gulf, why did you kiss me? You know actors don’t actually kiss while rehearsing - Mew had asked him after the workshop was over.

- We’re going to kiss while filming anyway, so I thought it was better to get that out of the way so we wouldn’t be nervous about it. It’s done. So now we can relax. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was going to do it, but I thought you wouldn’t mind - he had said smiling - Besides, you were being all weird with me after we finished the skinship exercise.

- Oh my god! You’re such a brat - Mew had said stunned.

- Well -Gulf had answered while shrugging - You’re not the first one to tell me that.

Reaching P’Tee, Mew and Gulf stood there, waiting for him to speak.

- Today’s exercise is simple. I just want you to go around, touching each other. I need you to be comfortable enough for this Saturday’s episode - P’Tee took a breath and then continued - Your chemistry is actually pretty good right now, but Mew, somehow I think you still look a little bit tense.

Mew’s cheeks turned red from embarrassment. He actually thought he was doing a good job of hiding his reactions to Gulf’s touch.

- Khrub, Phi. I’ll do my best - Mew said in a low tone of voice.

- Gulf… can you go find a blanket or something? Please ask someone from the staff to give it to you - P’Tee said.

- Khrub Phi - Gulf said, although he looked a bit confused about Tee’s request.

When Gulf left to complete his mission, Tee turned to face Mew once again.

- I know what you’re worried about Mew, but this isn’t going to work if you are afraid. You need to talk to Gulf about it. Getting your partner’s trust is crucial for this series to be successful.

It was easier said than done. Trust was something he didn’t give easily. At least not now. Mew didn’t want to see the same judgment he had seen in everyone else, shine in Gulf’s beautiful eyes. He didn’t want the smile and the late-night calls to disappear.

- Give it a chance Mew - Tee continued when Mew stayed quiet - Who knows? Maybe you’ll get surprised.

Mew knew today’s exercise was for him rather than for both of them. He needed to get his shit together.

- I found a blanket! - Gulf said while running around like a child, waving a white blanket in his hand - What should we do with it?

- Put it on the floor and sleep for a while with Mew - P’Tee said.

Come again?

- We’re going to sleep? - Gulf said exited - My kind of day!

Oh my god… somebody kill me.

Gulf once again took Mew’s hand in his and pulled him to a side of the studio. In there, he put the blanket on the floor and got in it.

- Come on Phi! Let’s sleep - he said while turning to face Mew.

Mew lowered himself to the blanket and lay down. He stayed looking up, thinking of a way to talk to Gulf about his issues.

- Phi… - Gulf whispered.

- Umm… - Mew hummed letting Gulf know he heard him.

- Do you think it’s weird to touch another guy?

Ha?

Mew turned his face to his Nong and said:

- No. What kind of question is that? I wouldn’t be doing a BL if I thought like that.

- Then… - Gulf hesitated for a moment - It’s just that you don’t like touching me? Did I do something to make you feel uncomfortable? - he said in a low voice.

What?!

Mew’s heart sank for a moment. How could this beautiful person actually think that? Has his insecurities and actions hurt him somehow?

- No! - Mew rapidly said - No, no, don’t think that. This has nothing to do with you, Gulf.

- Then what is it? Why do you always tense when I touch you? - Gulf said in a sad tone - Why are you always so fast to leave when we finish the workshops? Why do you look so uncomfortable when we do skinship exercises? If I’m not the problem, then what is it? - Gulf looked into Mew’s eyes.

Why can’t I do things right lately?

Mew turned his body so he was facing Gulf in the blanket.

- It’s because of my own issues Gulf. It’s not you in any way.

- Won’t you try to explain it to me?

- How much do you know about me Gulf? - Mew asked with caution.

- What? What does it have to do…?

- Answer me. I have a point.

Gulf just looked at his face, like he was looking for something.

- Fine. You’re Mew Suppasit and you’re an actor. You’re 28 years old. You like to sing and dance besides acting. You’re an engineer and working towards your master's degree. You have a sister and a dog named Chopper.

Mew just stared at him surprised.

- What? - Gulf asked.

- I didn’t know you knew so much about me. I’m kind of surprised.

- Well… You are kind of famous - he said with red cheeks.

- I wasn’t talking about my life facts, Gulf - Mew seriously said - I was talking about my works… actually my lack of them.

Gulf looked a little confused. Then, after a moment, his eyes lit up.

- Are you talking about that scandal? Is this what this is about? - Gulf said kind of annoyed.

- Well… yeah - Mew stared at the boy’s face. He looked angry.

- That’s why you’re like this with me? Because of some bullshit, some guy said?

- How do you know it was bullshit? - Mew asked.

He couldn’t actually know.

- Why won’t you touch me? - Gulf suddenly asked.

- Umm… Because I don’t want you to think the same could happen to you. I’m not a predator no matter what people say. I don’t like the fact that you could feel uncomfortable with my touch because of that issue.

- Exactly my point. You’re that kind of person P’Mew. Your touch had never made me feel bad or uncomfortable. In fact, you’re more of a gentleman than I am - his Nong said giggling.

Mew looked at him in awe. Was it ok just to be himself around this boy?

- Then you don’t mind if I touch you?

It couldn’t be that simple…

Gulf smiled and moved closer to Mew. He settled himself between Mew’s arms. Then he looked up.

- I don’t mind Phi. I know I can trust you. Let’s sleep now - then he turned off almost a second after saying that.

Mew just looked at the boy in his arms. P’Tee was right. He should have just talked to him from the beginning, instead of trying to fix everything alone.

Putting his face on Gulf’s hair, Mew smelled his shampoo. It soothed him somehow and was getting him sleepy. He tightens his hold on his Nong as he hugged him.

And for the first time in a long time, he slept like a baby.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

POV Mew

- So now you can touch him without having a panic attack? - Mild said over the phone.

- I didn’t have panic attac-

- Just answer the god damned question!

- Yes, Mild. I can touch him without having an epilepsy attack - Mew said to his friend.

After their little talk, Mew realized that Gulf was actually ok with him doing skinship. It made him be relaxed around him. It was easier to do it when he didn’t have to think about the potential consequences of his actions. And it was much smoother to act like Tharn.

He was really grateful for his partner.

It was actually a shock to know that Gulf already knew about his story. Mew had thought Gulf didn’t know, as he never treated him like a leper like everyone else had done.

“Phi, don’t think about it. Let’s focus on now. We have to work together to make this series something we can be proud of”

Sometimes Gulf seemed to be the older one in their relationship. Mew needed constant reassurance from him, to know if he was doing the right thing.

Other times, it was Gulf who came to him, asking for advice about acting methods or other work-related things.

- I’m glad you guys talked. You were driving me crazy with your games - Mild took him out of his thoughts.

- We weren’t…

- Well, I’ll have to take my sweet personality away from you. I have other things to attend.

- Sure Mild, talk to you later - Mew said, rolling his eyes. Sometimes he wondered why were they even friends.

Because Mild put up with his whiny self, that’s why.

The filming of episode one had gone really well. Tharn and Type hated their guts, so he and Gulf only had to do a bunch of fighting scenes.

Until that last scene.

- Cut! - had screamed P’Tee.

Mew had got up from the top of Gulf’s body for the… he had lost count already.

- Gulf, you’re not supposed to kiss him back - P’Tee said once again.

- I know - Gulf responded - It’s just… it turns out that way.

- Type is drunk, Gulf - P’Tee explained again - He isn’t supposed to do anything.

- But I mean…P’MAME told me Type was attracted to Tharn since the first time he saw him, right? Wouldn’t it be obvious that deep inside, Type wants to react to Tharn? Unconsciously, Type recognized Tharn’s touch, so he reacts to him… That’s how I see it.

Tee thought about what the boy was saying.

- Fine. But still no kissing back. Make Type touch Tharn a little, and that’s it, ok?

- Khrub, Phi - Gulf answered.

Mew returned to were Gulf was laying down. He was actually quite surprised with his level of character understanding. But his back hurt so freaking much, it was going to be difficult to act the scene again.

- I’m so sorry P’Mew, for making it difficult to you - Gulf said sheepishly.

- It’s ok, Gulf. I just had the staff put a hot pad in my back. We’re good to go.

- This time I’ll do it right. I promise - Gulf looked at him with remorse.

- Alright, let’s do this.

Mew smiled at the memory. His back still hurt for the long period of time he had to be doing a plank on top of Gulf. Just for one scene.

Kissing him, once again, had done something inside him. And he knew, he shouldn’t be feeling that way.

They might be friends, but that’s it. Nothing more. He wouldn’t dare let himself feel anything more than that.

- What are you doing there?

Mew almost jumped out of his skin when he heard a voice behind him.

- Jesus Christ! - Mew screamed.

- Nop, just pretty old me. I didn’t know you could scream like a girl. Should have recorded it - P’Jane stood by the kitchen entrance looking amused.

- Damn you, P’Jane! How did you get here? - Mew said trying to slow down his breathing.

- I took what we call a T-A-X-I - she said really slowly, like talking to a toddler.

- I mean, how did you get IN here? - Mew rectified himself.

- Oh! You still use the same code as months ago. I just let myself in - she said smiling.

Jane had practically lived in his place months ago. She used to be worst than his own mom. She actually thought she was years older than him, instead of just a couple of weeks. But he loved her anyway.

- Why are you here?

- Aow! Are you throwing me out? - she asked, kinda hurt.

- No! - Mew said quickly - I was just surprised. You haven’t come here in months.

- Yeah, well, I didn’t know if I was welcome.

Guilt runs through Mew’s body once again. He should’ve just called her.

- I’m sor-

- Don’t apologize again, Mew. I knew you needed time. Sometimes we, as friends, have to let you go through a wall and make mistakes. We can give you advice and worry for you, but we can’t control your actions or feelings. I knew you loved him, and that’s why I left you alone. I prayed every day for me to be wrong about that guy. I didn’t want to be right, you know?

Mew felt tears come to his eyes. He didn’t deserve a friend like her. After all the shit they’ve gone through, she was still there, in his house, willing to forgive him.

Mew went to where she was standing, looking at him, and gave her a big hug.

- I missed you, sis - he whispered in her hair.

- I know, I missed you too - she tightened the hug - By the way, you look like shit.

Mew let out a loud laugh at her remark and let her go.

- Well, thanks. I love you too.

- I know, I’m irresistible - she winked at him - Now tell me what I’ve missed. Tell me about the new series and that handsome partner of yours.

Oh my god, kill me now.

---------------------------------------**------------------------------------

Mew was looking for Gulf in the set without succeeding.

They had to shoot an important scene for episode two, and Gulf was nowhere to be found. Mew left him in the makeup room with his phone, and now he was gone.

 After a few minutes going around, Mew finally found him sleeping on a couch in the room next to where they were filming.

He had his round pillow and blue blanket with him. It still amazed Mew the fact that such a big guy could sleep this much. It couldn’t be normal, right? Gulf was always sleepy.

Mew thought about his own condition. He could hardly say something.

Kneeling beside the couch where Gulf was sleeping, Mew moved his hand through his co-actor’s hair. Mew loved Gulf’s hair. It was longer than his but somehow softer. And it smelled like honey. It was easier for him to touch Gulf now. Actually, sometimes it was Gulf who started the contact. And all those times were precious for Mew. It made him calm.

Gulf’s eyes started to move behind his eyelids as he was waking up. His pretty brown eyes opened and stared at Mew.

- Phi - he said, his voice a bit rough because of the sleep - Is it time?

- Yes, it is. Let’s go. We still have a scene schedule for today - Mew said in a low tone of voice as he continued to caress Gulf’s hair.

- Khrub Phi - Gulf said while standing up.

The last scene of the day was an emotional one. Type was having a nightmare because of Tharn’s actions. Tharn touched him and that triggered him.

Tharn you asshole.

But, Mew thought that people made mistakes. Without knowing the scars the boy had had inside of him, Tharn had thought he was teaching the bad-mouthed boy a lesson. Sometimes, internal scars were worse than physical ones.

That had been a weird scene to film, and one Mew didn’t want to think about. He didn’t want to think about Gulf’s thighs or how smooth his skin was.

Oh… fuck my life.

Gulf located himself on the bed to start the scene. Mew took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and called Tharn inside of him.

Asshole! I need you here.

I’m here. And I’m sorry for the previous event.

Mew had read somewhere that, acting was like letting another person inside of you. You needed to talk, to understand that person. You needed to let that person take control of your body.

So that’s what Mew did. He let Tharn take control of his body. It was kinda weird, but it worked for him.

- Action! - Tee screamed.

Game on.

Type’s body started to move around the bed as he breathed heavily. He started saying words like “Let me go” and “Type don’t go there”.

A couple of minutes later, the staff gave him the signal and Mew walked through the door of their bedroom.

- What’s the matter, Type? - he said as he watched the boy whine in the darkness.

What’s wrong with him?

Moving close to the bed, he sat in Type’s bed and turned on the light in the nightstand.

- Let me go - the boy was still saying while crying.

- Type what’s wrong? - he started to feel worried about him.

Why is he crying?

- Help me, Tharn!

- Type wake up! - he was shaking Type’s body, trying to get him to wake up.

Type just continued to cry, yelling for someone to help him.

Fuck it.

Tharn took Type’s body into his arms and hugged him close. The boy hid his face in Tharn’s neck and kept crying. His body was trembling and his fists closed in Tharn’s shirt. The drummer started to caress Type’s back, trying to wake him up and to make him stop crying.

- It’s ok, Type…It’s ok. I’m here. I’m here with you... It’s ok - Tharn said as he continued with his touch.

- Cut!

Am I done?

Yes… for now.

Mew tried to move away from Gulf but the latter didn’t let go. His body was still trembling and his hands were clutched on his back.

- Gulf?

Gulf just tightened his hold and hid his face in Mew’s neck.

- I just need a moment - he said whispering.

Mew just sat there holding him against his body. Apparently, Gulf needed time to come back from strong feelings.

After a while, Gulf got up from his neck and looked at Mew with watery eyes. A few tears had escaped his hold and run down his face. Mew used his thumbs to wipe the tears away.

- Feeling better? - he finally asked.

- Yeah. Thanks, Phi - Gulf said with a little smile.

They got up from the bed. Mew went to where Tee was to see if the scene had turned out ok.

Gulf went to where his bag was and took his phone out. With a frown, he typed something on it and lifted his phone to his ear before leaving the set.

 Mew was a little curious about what had happened for him to frown like that.

- What happened to Gulf, na Phi? - he asked Tee.

- Hmm? Gulf?

- He called someone and left. He looked worried. Did something happen to his family? - Mew was starting to get worried.

- Oh! Nah, probably he's fighting with his girlfriend again.

Come again?

- His… what? - Mew was stunned.

- Oh… he didn’t tell you? He has a girlfriend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Text

POV Mew

- Phi, are you mad at me?

- No… what the hell are you talking about?

They were on the set for episode three. They were sitting on a couch in the room next to the filming place, Gulf sitting on Mew’s lap.

- We need some footage for "behind the scene" N’Mew - had said MAME a few minutes ago.

- What do you want me to do?

- Do some skinship. Like in workshops. Nothing fancy, just be yourself.

That was going to be a problem, considering the fact that Mew was avoiding Gulf like the plague.

- P’Mew, you’ve been weird this whole week - Gulf was kinda sulking at that point. His lower lip a little more prominent.

- We are ok Nong - Mew released a sigh - Nothing is wrong.

Mew thought, if he got Gulf to believe those words, maybe he would believe it himself.

Because it was a fact that something was off.

Mew, once again, pulled back from Gulf and kept his distance. All the progress they made in the first few weeks was practically gone. Yes, Mew still touched him and made skinship with Gulf, but gone was the calls and messages, the little talks they had every now and then, the funny games they’d do in workshops, all gone.

 And now, Gulf was starting to get upset.

- I want to know if I did something wrong Phi. Won’t you tell me? - Gulf turned around and looked at Mew with sad eyes.

- We’re fine Gulf. I’m just tired. My master is taking my sleep away.

And the nightmares.

Gulf didn’t seem convinced, but for the time he let it pass. He accommodated himself on Mew’s lap and let the older hug him tight.

-----------------------------------**---------------------------------

- Gulf, you need to show some hesitation. Type feels good, but he doesn’t want to feel good with Tharn. His body and mind are in a fight in the middle of the scene, and I need your face to show it - Tee was giving Gulf some tips for the bathroom scene.

Mew didn’t want to accept the fact that he was nervous. The scene wasn’t that complicated at all. He had done more steamy and mature scenes in the past. The problem was just the fact that he was about to kiss and touch Gulf. Again.

Every since Mew heard that Gulf had a girlfriend, his mind had been fuzzy. He shouldn’t care. He didn’t.

But why did Gulf hid that information from him?

Mew shouldn’t be angry after all. He still couldn’t completely trust the boy and there was a lot Gulf didn’t know about him. So how could he expect Gulf to open up and tell him things like that?

Besides the confusion and anger, Mew felt scared.

He didn’t want any misunderstanding to happen while filming the series.

He had a past, not a good one, and even though Gulf didn’t seem to care, Mew wasn’t sure his girlfriend would feel the same.

But, even though Mew was 29 years old, that didn’t mean he was mature and responsible all the time. And instead of talking face to face with Gulf, and solve the issue, he was running away from the younger.

Again.

Sometimes, Mew hated the way he was.

- Are you ready, Phi? - Gulf was suddenly in front of him.

Mew got out of his thoughts and looked at his partner’s face. Gulf looked at him with a little smile, his eyes never judging him, always compassionate and understanding. He could tell the young boy was upset, but he was still trying.

Sometimes, Mew felt unfitting to be his Phi.

-Yes. Let’s do this - Mew said without looking at his face.

 Rise and shine.

I’m here.

Mew prepared himself and breathed.

- Action!

-------------------------------------**---------------------------------

Mew got up from his bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. His world was blurred.

He tried to see outside his window. Reaching for his glasses, he put them on. His vision clear, he saw it was bright outside. So it had to be morning. He looked at his table clock and read the time.

11:17 AM.

Outside his room, somewhere in the house, he could hear music.

Mew let out a sigh and went to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and took a quick shower. Finally bathed and dressed with some comfy clothes, he got out of his bedroom and went searching for the kitchen.

As he was getting close to the kitchen, Mew could hear a feminine voice singing and smell deliciousness coming out of the room.

Mew stood by the kitchen door and watched Jane doing something on his stove.

- You didn’t have to come - Mew suddenly said.

Jane let out a girly squeal and turned around with a frown on her face.

- You, asshole! You scared the living shit out of me!

Mew lifted an eyebrow and looked at her.

- Is there a reason why you’re in my kitchen at 11 am on a Sunday?

Jane just let out a frustrated sigh.

- Mild called me.

Mew made a grimace as he entered the kitchen and sat on a chair. Mild was sneaking information to his best friend.

Great.

- If you’re gonna lay it on me, at least feed me. I missed your cooking.

- I know you did - Jane said with a smirk on her pretty face.

Jane finished her cooking and put a plate in front of Mew with eggs, bacon, and pancakes.

Mew immediately started to stuff food into his mouth.

- Slow down, would you? The food is not going away - Jane said.

- I’m eating it before you get mad at me for whatever reason you’re here, and take it away from me - Jane was a really good cook and he wanted his breakfast.

Jane just looked at him with a thoughtful stare.

Mew started to squirm under her sight.

- What? - he finally said.

- I don’t know, you tell me. What got your panties in a twist this week? I thought you were ok.

Mew continued eating as he thought about his answer.

He was upset that Gulf didn’t tell him about his girlfriend, which was stupid because the boy didn’t owe him any explanation about his personal life. But he still was a bit mad.

- Nothing P’Jane - Mew finally said.

- Wow, you called me Phi. All by yourself. Something must go really bad.

Mew rolled his eyes. He wasn’t in the mood for that talk at that moment.

- I’m ok. Tell Mild everything is fine.

- What happened with your cute partner?

Mew started coughing after hearing Jane's remark.

- What…?

- Mild said you fought with him or something like that. I wanna know.

Mew was going to kill his friend.

Mew had left the set the day before, right after they finished filming the bathroom scene. That fucking scene, that still hunted him even in his sleep.

Well… at least I’m not dreaming about HIM anymore.

Mew didn’t want to think about how soft Gulf’s mouth had been, how smooth his skin was. They had touched and rubbed. Mew had drowned himself in the young man’s scent. Had had shills all over his body because of Gulf’s nails scratching his skin.

“I told you… I’m not only good at talking”

And that final take, Gulf’s expression had given him a lot of not so pure thoughts.

- Cut!

Mew had thrown the towel to the floor and started moving to the dressing room.

- Phi! - Gulf had called.

But Mew had ignored him. He had needed to escape. He needed to feel composed again and not… like he was all over the place.

Mew didn’t want to think about how was he going to do all the remain love scenes. He was going to die by the end of the filming.

- What’s wrong MewMew? - Jane gentled her expression.

Mew raised his eyes to look at her.

- He has a girlfriend.

- Ok… - Jane slowly said - And that’s bad because…?

- He didn’t tell me. Why?

Jane looked into Mew’s eyes like she was trying to figure out what was all that about.

- Maybe he’s waiting for the right time.

- We’ve known each other for weeks. He could’ve told me.

- Did you give him a reason to think he could open up about his life to you?

- Yes… I mean… I think so?

Jane raised an eyebrow and stared at him.

Mew thought about his interactions with Gulf. All they talked about was games and the series. The only personal talk they had was when Gulf told him he knew about his scandal.

- You tend to close up when someone asks you about your personal life - Jane said.

Before Mew could answer, there was a knock at the front door of his condo.

- I’ll get that. Think about what I just told you if you don’t want me to take the food away.

Mew mumbled something and got back to his food.

A few minutes passed, and Mew could only hear voices coming from his front door. He got up and went to see who was at the door.

- Who was…? - he cut his words.

Because in front of Jane and him was Gulf freaking Kanawut in the flesh.

- Hi Phi… - Gulf said hesitant - I need to talk to you.

Chapter Text

POV Mew

Mew stood there, frozen, looking at the face he thought he wouldn’t see in a few days.

- Ahh…

While he was trying to find the words, Jane spoke out.

- Are you gonna stay there looking dumb? Invite him in!

Mew snapped out of his state and said:

- Yes. I’m sorry Nong. Please come in.

Gulf seemed hesitant, looking at where Jane was standing up, but in the end, he came inside the condo. They just stood there, looking awkward, without looking at each other. Jane looked from one to another.

- I’m Jane, by the way - she said looking at Gulf - Nice meeting you kha.

That seemed to bring Gulf back to earth.

- Nice meeting you too Phi. I’m Gulf Kanawut.

- Yes, I imagined - she looked at Gulf for a moment, making the young man fidget - Ok… I’m just gonna go so you guys can talk. Nice finally meeting you dear - she said as she waied to Gulf.

- Yes, thank you Phi - Gulf said as he waied as well.

While Jane was opening the door to leave, she turned around, and at Gulf’s back, she gestured to Mew.

<Talk to him or else>

Mew gulped and nodded to his best friend. Finally alone at the condo entrance, Mew moved to the inside.

- Come this way, let’s talk in the living room.

Mew couldn’t see him, but he could feel Gulf moving at his back following him.

How did he even get there?

When they got to the living room, Mew motioned to Gulf, urging him to sit down on the sofa. Mew sat a little apart from his co-star and waited for Gulf to say something. After all, he was the one that practically invaded his house. He must've wanted to say something to him. Right?

Gulf looked at the carpet and then to the wall, never looking at Mew’s face. Mew was starting to feel a little nervous.

- Gulf - he finally said.

The young boy looked at him with questioning eyes.

- How did you find my condo?

Gulf answered a little hesitant, like afraid of Mew’s reaction.

- I asked P’Mild your address. He told me to come and talk to you. Then, I just got a cab.

Mild Suttinut… just wait until I get to you!

- Talk about what? - Mew asked, even though he already knew what that was about.

Gulf seemed to find the strength to look at him in the eye. His stare was determined.

- Why are you being so distant lately? I thought we were past that already - Gulf was genuinely confused.

Mew knew that doing what he was doing, he was being unprofessional and immature. But feelings were like that. We can’t control them and they just show up in the most unexpected ways.

- I’m not distant Gulf, what do you mean? - Mew still played unaware.

- You closed up so suddenly. We were doing just fine - said Gulf with distress - Is this about what we talked about the last time?

Mew was taken aback by what Gulf just said.

- What?

- You know… - Gulf was hesitant to say it - The scandal thing… - he finished in a low voice.

Mew’s heart rate started to speed up. He didn’t want to talk about that. Even less with this young man.

- If it's that Phi-

- It’s not that! - Mew rapidly interrupted him while rising his voice.

Gulf tensed for a moment before saying:

- I don’t like your tone of voice.

- Then what do you want, ha? - Mew was starting to get scared. He didn’t want to have that conversation. He wanted to run like he always did - I already told you everything is ok with us. What do you keep pushing the issue?!

- Because I don’t like you being so distant from me! - Gulf was rising his voice as well.

- Then you shouldn’t have lied to me!

Gulf looked surprised for a moment. His pretty chestnut lips parted.

- You are one to talk - he said in a lower tone of voice.

- What? - Mew looked at him stunned.

Gulf’s face changed to a scowl.

- I’m sorry I interrupted you when I got here. I didn’t know you had someone here. If I’ve had know, I would’ve just left - Gulf got up from the sofa and started going to the front door - I’ll see you in the next workshop.

Mew stood there for a few seconds, trying to understand what Gulf just said.

What? Someone?

When it finally hit him. Jane.

He got up and went to where Gulf was putting his shoes on.

- Did you mean Jane? - Mew said while taking his arm, preventing him from leaving his house.

- Why didn’t you tell me you had a girlfriend? - Gulf looked disappointed - I thought we agreed to not having secrets between us.

Mew just looked at his face dumbfounded.

- You’re kidding me, right? It’s you the one who kept something from me!

It was Gulf’s turn to look confused.

- What? What are you talking about, na?

- You don’t have the right to be upset when you have a girlfriend yourself!

Gulf stared at Mew, lost for words.

- What…? Who told you that?

- That’s not the point. You lied to me. I know it's a stupid thing to be upset about, but it’s the truth. I thought you were being honest with me.

Gulf just looked at him for a few minutes. Mew’s face was red from all the screaming and was out of breath. But still, he didn’t let go of Gulf’s arm.

- I don’t have a girlfriend, Phi.

- Quit lying Gulf.

- I’m being honest - Gulf said with a serious tone of voice - So that’s why you were being so weird to me? Because of something someone told you that you didn’t have the decency to ratify with me? What were you gonna do then? Just sulk the entire time? Not talk to me?

Saying it that way, Mew felt a little embarrassed by his attitude. Gulf was right. He should have asked before behaving like a toddler. But he had been afraid… Mew was always afraid lately.

- Gulf…

- I’ll see you in workshops P’Mew - Gulf said while moving his arm out of Mew’s reach and leaving the condo.

Mew stood there, watching him leave before he could say something. Before he could apologize.

Well… shit.

-----------------------------**---------------------------

Mew walked into workshop a few days later. He hadn’t slept well since his little fight with his Nong. He had called and messaged Gulf a lot of times, but unlike previous time where the boy had quickly answered him, this time he was sent to voicemail and his messages had been left unanswered.

He quickly located his “soon to be dead” friend Mild, eating from the food table. He started going to where he was but was intercepted by P’MAME.

- N’Mew can I talk to you?

Mew looked at Mild, who was watching his killing stare scared for his life. With one last look at his friend, Mew turned his attention to MAME.

- Sawadee Phi - Mew waied her - Sure. What is this about?

- Did something happen between you and N’Gulf?

Mew was taken aback by her question. How did she know?

- We had a little altercation.

A fancy way to say “I fucked up”.

- Have you talked to him?

- I was going to… Why?

- He’s been sulking all morning. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Kaownah tried to talk to him, and he almost bit his head off - MAME looked worried - I don’t want to put pressure on you, but today is an important workshop. Episode four is one of the most important ones, and I can’t have you two sulking at each other.

Mew bowed embarrassed. Once again, they were having problems because of his issues.

- I’ll talk to him Phi. I promise.

- Ok. We’ll start in the afternoon. Please take the morning to solve whatever problem there is between you two.

- Khrub, Phi.

Mew watched her go. He should really start acting professional, grow a pair, and talk to Gulf. He fucked up, he could see that now. But apologizing wasn’t always an easy thing to do.

Mew looked around, trying to find his co-star. He found him in a corner of the room, with a blue blanket on, seeing something on his phone. He had a scowl on his pretty face and an aura that said “Leave me alone”.

Mew had never seen Gulf in that state. Even though sleepy Gulf could be a little scary, people knew that it was just his way of saying he was tired. Now, it broke his heart to see that he was the reason his cute Nong was upset. Mew looked around once again and saw that someone, surely MAME, has asked everyone to leave the place presumably to leave them alone.

And he was thankful for that. It was easier if no one was around.

Cautiously, Mew started to approach Gulf. Nervous, he stood right in front of the young man.

- Sawadee Gulf - Mew said softly.

- Wadee - Gulf said without lifting his head.

Mew tried to think of a way to start the conversation.

- How are you today?

Gulf just ignored him.

- We have a lot of work today.

Gulf yawned and continued to stare at his phone.

- I’m sorry - Mew finally said.

To that, Gulf stopped what he was doing and looked up at Mew.

- I fucked up. I know that - Mew started saying his apology - I shouldn’t have got upset because you have a girlfriend. It’s not my business.

Gulf continued looking at him and calmly said:

- That’s not why I’m upset Phi.

- What?

- I’m not upset because of that. Looking back now, I can understand why you got mad. I’m mad because you closed up. Instead of coming to talk to me and clear everything up, you avoided me. I thought you trusted me.

Trust. That word once again. How could he explain his resentment to that specific word?

- I have trust issues Nong. You know my past. You know what happened. It made me doubtful. I question every single move you make.

Gulf looked deflated. He just stared at Mew’s eyes, looking for something. Mew didn’t know what.

- If you can't trust me yet, then I’ll show you what you’ve been missing.

Mew stared at Gulf surprised by his answer. Was he forgiving him?

- So, you forgive me?  

- I will. But you have to stop putting me in that guy’s shadow. I’m not him.

Mew stared at him in wonder. He was right. Gulf wasn’t HIM. His head knew that, but his heart needed some time to catch up.

- I know Nong.

- And, for the record, I don’t have a girlfriend.

- But… P’Tee - Mew said confused.

- I had a girlfriend. When I told her I was going to audition for a BL series, she broke up with me saying she didn’t want her reputation to be stained by me.

- What? - Mew was almost offended on his behalf.

- It’s ok Phi, I didn’t take it by heart.

Mew now realized how much of a fool he had been acting. He could’ve avoided it just by talking to Gulf.

- I’m really sorry. For the record, I don’t have a girlfriend either. Jane is more like a sister to me. A really annoying one, but I love her. There’s nothing between us.

Gulf’s eyes started to shine.

- It’s fine Phi.

- So… we’re good?

Gulf took his arm and pulled him to the blanket that was spread by the floor.

- Let’s nap for a while - Gulf said smiling.

- You just want to cuddle with me.

- That’s a plus Phi.

Mew opened his arms, waiting for the weight that always crashed on him when they nap in workshops.

With his Nong in his arms, once again, Mew slept.

-----------------------------**-------------------------- 

- This is one of the most important scenes of the series. It’s the first time Type opened up to Tharn, and let him see him vulnerable - P’MAME was explaining that afternoon.

Mew understood this scene was crucial. They needed to really understand their characters to deliver the feelings P’MAME was asking from them.

- Tharn needs to understand why Type is the way he’s - P’Tee added as he looked at both actors.

Mew and Gulf looked at each other. They needed to fully get the scene. The feelings, the aura, the situation.

- Let’s try it out. - Tee said.

Mew tried to invoque his inner Tharn.

Asshole… Come out.

It’s time already?

Yes.

He and Gulf sat on a blanket on the floor. The same blanket the had been napping on the whole morning.

- Type, hug Tharn - Tee instructed. When Gulf complied, he read the script out loud - I hate you.

- I hate you. I hate people like you - Gulf said his lines.

- Now Tharn, touch Type’s head - Tee continued.

Mew lifted his hand to caress Gulf’s hair.

I’m sorry I hurt you. I should have never touched you. My actions set you off. So, it’s ok if you hate me. You have the right to hate me.

Mew's eyes watered as he slowly started to understand Tharn’s feelings. He was feeling guilty. He thought that he wasn’t any different than the jerk who hurt Type. So, for him, it was ok if Type wanted to hate him.

Gulf grabbed Mew’s shirt tighter as he hid his head in his neck.

- Tharn, now say “It’s ok to hate me” - Tee said.

- It’s ok to hate me, Type - Mew said with a broken voice.

- Type, move your head down a little and grab his shirt tightly - Tee instructed Gulf.

Gulf moved as Tee ask him to. At that point, Gulf was completely on Mew’s lap, rubbing his eyes on Mew’s shirt. Mew could feel the moisture coming down on his neck. Gulf was crying.

- Ok - Tee announced.

Gulf pulled apart from Mew, just a bit, and looked down. Mew didn’t let go of his hands. He was kind of worried when he saw his Nong’s state.

Hugging him tightly, Mew caressed his back while talking nonsense to bring him back from the character.

- It’s ok… I’m here… Gulf… come back na~

A tissue appeared out nowhere. Mew thank the staff person and gave it to Gulf. The young man started drying his eyes. Then, he looked up and stared at Mew.

- Are you ok? - Mew asked him.

- Yes… - then he smiled - Because I always have you to bring me back.

Chapter Text

POV Mew

- Yes, mae, I’m eating well - Mew said over the phone while talking to P’Boss.

Boss called him at least once a day. Mew didn’t know he had gotten so bad in the last months that had gone by, that he needed to be babied like that.

- Are you sleeping ok? - Boss asked.

Mew looked at the living room from the kitchen door. Gulf was on his sofa eating snacks while playing some videogame on his TV.

- P’Mew, can I go to your condo this week? - Gulf had asked the day before, after finishing their workshop.

- What?

- Your condo. I want your help with my lines. Also, I need some guidance with some scenes - Gulf had looked at Mew with big puppy eyes.

Mew had thought about it for a minute. Was it a good idea?

- Yeah… sure - he had said doubtful - Are you free tomorrow?

- Yes, Phi! - Gulf said happily - Tomorrow then. I’ll see you at 1 pm?

- Isn’t it a bit late?

- I want to sleep the morning Phi~

Mew had laughed at that. The boy couldn’t waste an opportunity to sleep.

- Ok. I’ll see you then.

And there they were, a day later. Gulf got into his condo and got the videogame going in matter of minutes.

Practice my ass.

- Are you listening, Mew? - P’Boss said over the phone.

That snapped Mew out of his thoughts.

- Yes, Phi. I’m here. What did you ask?

- Sleep. How have you been sleeping?

Mew thought about it for a second. His sleeping habits were all over the place, but they were getting better. He could sleep a least 5 hours a day.

It was an improvement.

Mew looked at the young man sitting on the couch with his feet up and crossed.

- I’m getting better Phi. Yesterday I slept for 5 hours.

- Mmm… it is getting better. And how’s the filming?

- Everything is ok for now.

- Do you get along with your co-actor?

The way P’Boss asked the question got Mew a little worked up.

- I’m not making the same mistake again Phi - Mew sounded determined.

- I didn’t mean-

- I know. I just want to say it.

- Ok, Mew. I’m hanging up. But let me ask you something. Who are you trying to convince? You… or me?

- …

- See you soon Mew - and then Boss hanged up.

Boss’s last words got Mew a little restless. He was determined to not go through that issue ever again.

And besides… Gulf was straight and he was not interested.

- P’Mew! - Gulf called from the living room.

Mew looked at him and saw his big brown eyes sparkling. His face had a big smile on it as he called out for his Phi.

- Yes, Nong - Mew said as he moved to the couch and sat beside Gulf.

- Aren’t you gonna do a level with me?

- I thought we were going to practice our lines - Mew said laughing.

- I know Phi - Gulf lower lip was prominent somehow - But I like it when we play together.

- Just one level. We really need to work.

- Yay! - Gulf said while lifting up his hands.

Mew shook his head as he smiled at his young co-actor. He could be such a baby sometimes.

They played for an hour until Mew said it was enough. Gulf sulked for a minute, but then complied at his Phi’s request. They sat face to face on the couch as they talked.

- Even though Type is afraid, he still wants to try - Gulf was saying - But his trauma is in the way. He could get triggered.

- Yeah, but he wants to know what does it feels to be with Tharn. If he didn’t, then he wouldn’t have suggested doing it - Mew kept quiet for a second - Why would he ask not to kiss though?

- He wants to get some distance between them. Kissing is a very intimate act. You do it with someone you love or trust - Gulf looked up into Mew’s eyes.

Mew held his breath. Gulf’s bambi eyes were mesmerizing. They seemed to look deep into his heart and soul, and discover all of his secrets. Mew could stare into Gulf’s eyes all day.

Mew’s stare went to his lips. Those chestnut lips he knew and loved. Those lips he wanted to taste so badly one more time.

Before he realized, he was getting close to Gulf’s face, while still looking at his lips.

“Have you ever tried, P’Mew?”

Mew opened his eyes, as HIS voice rang in his ears. He had been in this position before. That fatal night he had lost it all.

Mew took his hands to his ears, trying to quiet down the voice.

“You don’t have to be afraid…”

- I’m sorry… - Mew whispered.

Mew’s breathing started to quicken, and his eyes started to water. He didn’t want to be there. Not with HIM. He had made a mistake. He shouldn’t have believed HIM. HE had wanted fame and nothing more.

“Do you like me, P’Mew?”

Shut the fuck up!

Mew didn’t want to hear HIM.

His breathing went erratic as he started to hyperventilate.

“P’Mew…”

- No! Go away! - he screamed.

- P’MEW!!!

Hands covered his, on his ears, smaller ones.

- P’Mew, please breathe with me - a voice was saying - One…

Mew tried to take a breath.

- Two…

Mew did it again.

- Three…

They did it until they got to number ten. When his breathing had slowed down a bit, Mew looked up, just to see a tearful face.

- Are you here with me, P’Mew? - the face said softly in a low voice.

I know this face. This is the face of someone important.

- Come back to me, P’Mew. Don’t stay there alone.

Mew knew those bambi eyes.

Gulf.

Gulf leaned forward until their foreheads were glued together. With his hands on top of Mew’s, he caressed his fingers.

- Don’t listen P’Mew… just breathe for me…

Mew felt a little more lighter. His chest didn’t hurt as much as before. Slowly, Mew put down his hands and just looked at Gulf’s eyes silently.

Gulf lifted his hands to remove the rest of Mew’s tears from his face. Mew closed his eyes as he felt the tender movement.

- It’s ok. I’m here Phi. I’ll bring you back, just as you always do for me - after saying that, Gulf moved forward and hugged Mew.

Mew was emotionally exhausted. He just had a freaking panic attack in front of the last person he had wanted to see him in that state.

But that didn’t mean he didn’t return his Nong’s hug.

------------------------------------**----------------------------------

Mew was waiting in his dressing room a few days later. After the disaster from the other day, Mew had talked little to nothing with Gulf. He was embarrassed. He hadn’t wanted to show Gulf that pathetic part of him. The part of him that was broken beyond repair.

P’Tee entered the room with MAME on his side.

- Morning Mew - Tee greeted.

- Morning P’Tee, P’MAME - Mew waied at the both of them.

MAME and Tee looked at each other before MAME addressed to him.

- Mew, Gulf said you’re not feeling your best today, so we decided to postpone the shooting of episode four. After all, it’s a really important episode and I need your 100%.

Mew looked at them dumbfounded.

- What? I’m ok Phi. I can totally do it.

- No offense Mew - Tee said - but you look like a mess. You should have some rest and take care of yourself. Thankfully, we are ahead of the program, so we can afford a little time for you to get better.

Mew didn’t know what to say. That was embarrassing. He had caused problems again.

- Khrub, Phi. If you think is the best for the series I’ll take a rest.

- It’s the best for you too, Mew. You look kinda sick. Please take care of yourself too. We care about you - P’MAME looked worried.

- Khrub Phi. I promise I’ll take some rest - he bowed and got out of the room.

Mew was furious. How dare Gulf take that decision without talking to him?

He found his young co-actor in the other dressing room, alone, looking at something on his phone. His eyes lifted when Mew entered the room and closed the door after him.

- Hey, P’…- he started saying with a smile, just to lose it when he saw Mew’s face.

Mew took a deep breath before talking to Gulf.

- Why?

- Why what Phi? - Gulf looked confused.

- Why did you ask P’Tee and P’MAME to postpone the shooting?

Gulf looked down for a moment before answering.

- I was really worried P’Mew, you look like you haven’t sleep at all.

- That’s disrespecting me and my professionalism.

- I didn’t mean it that way! - Gulf got up from the couch he was sitting.

- Then why? I could’ve filmed today! - Mew was rising his voice.

- I’m worried about you! I thought you needed a break and they accepted it. What’s the big deal?

- Did you tell them about the other day?

Gulf stared at him open-mouthed.

- Of course not!

- Then why?! I’m fucking fine Gulf! You don’t think I can do this? Is that it? I’m a professional, I can do it in my sleep. Or is it that you don’t want to film the love…

Just as he was screaming to Gulf, and letting all of his insecurities out in the open, Gulf suddenly grasped his face and kissed him half sentence.

Mew just stood there, with his eyes wide open, without moving.

Gulf leaned back, still holding Mew’s face while breaking the kiss.

- It’s because I like you… you asshole.

Chapter Text

POV Gulf

Gulf didn’t know how he got himself in that situation.

He has had such an uncomplicated life. He had always been a golden boy for his family. Had good grades, never got into trouble, loved and respected his family with all his heart, and on top of that, he was a hard worker.

He always got what he had put his head into.

He never thought about becoming famous. Gulf loved sports. Playing them and commenting on them. He once had the dream of becoming a football player, but that life was kind of hard, so he settled for being a commentator. He didn’t need much, just enough so he and his family could live in peace.

So when a person reached out to him at Siam when he was a teenager got him skeptical.

- Hi there - the person had said - My name is Bester. I’m from a talent recruitment company.

Gulf, who had been there with some of his friends, had just looked at the strange person.

- I’m not a weirdo or anything - Best had said quickly when he saw the boy’s expression - Here, have my card.

Best had given Gulf his presentation card. Gulf had thought it looked legit so he listened to what the man had to say.

That was the beginning of his career in the entertainment industry. He never actually thought he was particularly handsome or anything, but he was tall and that gave him jobs for modeling. After that, he started to appear in some music videos and that raised his popularity.

But Gulf was a simple and humble person. He just considered that a job. He still loved his friends and played with them from time to time. He took care of his family and cared for the little fanbase he had.

After years of doing little jobs here and there, Best suggested he try acting. That kind of weird Gulf out because he was not an actor. But he listened to his Phi, and took acting classes to improve his skill. After some time, he started going to auditions. Best told him to try BL series first. Even if it wasn’t the main character, they were extremely popular, and being in one could open some doors for him.

When he told his friends about it, some of them asked Gulf if he didn’t feel weird about acting in a BL story.

- What if you have to kiss some dude? - one of them said.

- Then, I’ll do it. If my character likes a guy then I’ll kiss a guy.

Sexuality wasn’t a big deal to Gulf. At 18, he got to the conclusion that he was asexual. Gulf didn’t feel attraction at all for anyone. He used to look at the porn videos his friends sent to him, and even though he could tell the girl was beautiful, he didn’t feel a thing. So later on, he started to think he was gay. But looking at gay porn made him feel the same… or not feel a thing.

Don’t get him wrong, he could still masturbate and have an orgasm. He just didn’t feel attracted to anybody at all.

So, when his friend Poom asked him to be her boyfriend he told her that bluntly.

- I’m not attracted to you, Poom. Sorry.

She still told him to try.

- Just let’s try it out. Be with me for a while, and when you find someone you’re attracted to, we end things. We can still be friends.

- What do you need a boyfriend for?

- My parents want to introduce me to this asshole. I’m not into it. Just help me, please. You love me, don’t you?

- You know I do. But I can’t be with you sexually.

- I don’t need that. Just being by my side is enough.

After time passed, he stayed with her because it was comfortable. He had a reason to reject other girls, and Poom was a great friend to him. Besides, it wasn’t like he actually liked someone.

Until Gulf saw him.

He was researching for an audition he had for a BL series when he stumbled with a series called “What the Duck?”. Everyone on YouTube said there was one of the steamier scenes in BL history in there.

I’ve got to see that.

Gulf barely remembered the scene. All he could see was the actor playing Pree’s character. His face, his body… even his voice made his body react.

It was like something he hasn’t felt before in his life.

After that, Gulf started looking for information about him. Mew Suppasit. That was his name. He searched for his twitter and IG accounts. He didn’t dare follow him with his main account, because even if he wasn’t as famous as him, it would still look weird. So he created separated accounts for stalking purposes.

Gulf knew that he was going crazy with that behavior, but he couldn’t help it. Sometimes he would just stay in front of the computer, looking at his picture.

When the scandal happened, Gulf suffered along with him. He could only imagine, how Mew felt at that moment. Gulf felt frustrated by the fact that he couldn’t do anything to help him. So he just started sending him positive comments, hoping and praying Mew would read them and feel a little bit better.

It wasn’t fair, that he got into that mess. The guy just publicly threw Mew out in the open. It wasn’t cool. Gulf had thought that Mew deserved better.

But, Gulf was just a fan. The only thing he could do was loving him from afar, and give him support to let him know that he was not alone.

A few months later, Best told him about an audition for another BL series. After many turns down, Gulf was starting to give up acting.

- I think this character is perfect for you - Best has said.

- “TharnType the series” - Gulf read - You want me to audition for the main character? I’m just a newbie, P’Best. There is no way they’ll take me.

- You are a really good actor, Gulf. I’ve seen you. Just, try this one.

- Khrub Phi.

Gulf was reluctant to try that series. It was going to be a big deal. There was no way in the world they would pick him, a new actor, for the main character. But as Gulf read the story the more he felt Type really suited him. They had so much in common and he knew it would be easy to get inside that head.

Maybe he could try.

What made him take the decision was a tweet certain someone sent.

“Maybe I’ll try it”

Gulf couldn’t believe it. Mew was going to try this audition. There was a slight chance that he would be able to work with his idol. Even as a small character, he would be able to meet him… talk to him.

Not every day a person got the chance to meet his crush.

It was a chance of a lifetime.

Gulf took his chances and went to the audition. Best, Berm and a few friends went along with him. Gulf felt so overwhelmed the whole time. He didn’t like places with a lot of people and loud noises. Gulf would rather be left alone in his world, trying to calm himself enough to look for the face he had been waiting for.

And then he arrived.

He was alone, wearing an oversized shirt and ripped jeans. He had looked skinny. Gulf had looked at him worried. He hadn’t seen a lot of pictures of him since the scandal, but Gulf could tell he was tired. That made his heart, break into little pieces. He didn’t deserve that.

Without noticing it, Gulf had watched the actor talk to his fans. He was so gentle with them, always showing them a smile. But the moment no one was looking at him, that overpowering sadness would return to his eyes.

There had been a moment when Mew had looked up and found Gulf’s eyes. Gulf, totally embarrassed of being caught staring at him, had looked to the floor with heated cheeks.

Smooth Gulf, he must think you’re a weirdo. 

Finally, Mew’s turn came for him to audition. Gulf was as excited as the rest of his fans. He really wanted this for him.

Gulf as number “0064”, had auditioned as Type, and surprisingly, he was picked as one of the actors for round two. He couldn’t believe it. They actually picked him. A newbie.

Waiting outside the audition room, Gulf sat on a stool and waited for Mew to come out. He really wanted to know his results. As he was waiting, suddenly two girls had approached him.

- Sawadee kha - they had said happily.

- Sawadee - Gulf had returned the greeting.

- Sorry to come here like this, but we were watching you and we think you’re cute. I really hope your audition went well.

Gulf’s cheeks had taken a red color at that remark.

- Thanks - he had said shyly.

- So, we are mewlions, you know? We’re fans of Mew Suppasit.

That caught Gulf’s attention.

- We were wondering… - they continued - Would you mind giving us your IG?

- Sure - Gulf had been a little confused but had complied with the request.

- Thanks, Phi! See you around.

At that moment, his idol had come out, saying he had auditioned for San and that they would call him.

Gulf had hoped deep in his heart that he would get a second call.

For the second day of the audition, Gulf had come alone and more relaxed. The only thing in his mind had been looking for a certain actor and try to talk to him.

Did he get a second call?

Gulf had been beyond happy when he found him, once again talking to his fans in a corner. He was called back. They gave him a chance.

At the audition, Gulf tried acting with a lot of Tharn’s aspirants, but as much as he wanted to feel something with them… he just didn’t. Attraction was something difficult to act. Either is there… or it isn’t.

Mew just sat on a chair, waiting for his turn.

When the moment came, Gulf had to order his heart to slow its beating because he was almost out of breath. He would look stupid in front of Mew.

They asked Mew to do a scene with him. He as Type and Mew as San.

Mew’s eyes when he approached him were hesitant and defensive. Like he was waiting for Gulf to snap at him. Gulf tried to send him the most calming smile he could come up with.

When they acted together, it was like nothing Gulf had felt before. It was so easy to be Type with him. He could call for those emotions and comfortably say the lines. It was a piece of cake.

But then they asked Mew to act with him as Tharn and Type.

And Gulf had been in heaven.

His body had reacted to his touch like crazy. His sensitive ears had turned red from his shyness. His stare had taken his breath away.

This is my Tharn.

The Type inside of him was calling for that Tharn.

There was no way Gulf would be able to act with some other guy. It had to be him.

And they were selected.

And their journey had begun.

Chapter Text

POV Gulf

It was like a dream come true.

Not all days did someone get the opportunity to work with the person you had admired for so long.

Gulf was on cloud nine with the possibility. He wanted to get closer to his Phi, help him, make him understand that not everything in his life was over.

But Gulf found bumps on the road.

Firstly, Mew seemed to be trying to keep his distance from him.

Even at the TEP interview, Mew had been reserved with their interactions. He touched Gulf when he needed to, and talked to him when asked. He even helped Gulf understand some parts of the interview, as he wasn’t that good at english. But there was no closeness. Even though the chemistry was there, they weren’t getting any closer.

Mew was kind, don’t get that wrong. He was kind and respectful, always taking care of his Nong one way or another. But he seemed to think about Gulf as only work. And that was something Gulf wasn’t happy about.

That’s why he said Mew would protect him in the TEP interview.

If Gulf showed him some trust from his part, maybe Mew would warm up to him a little faster. Poor Mew looked taken aback when Gulf said that. Like surprised. Like he didn’t actually believe Gulf would say that.

Gulf tried and tried to make Mew believe in his words. But somehow it didn’t seem to pay off.

After that, they went to the LINE TV Awards 2018.

Mew had talked to Gulf a lot, trying to reassure his Nong. Gulf had been nervous because he had never been to such a big event all by himself. Mew had had to go with his previous mates from “What the Duck?” and wouldn’t be able to accompany Gulf.

When Mew talked to him about it, he had looked resigned, and actually really nervous about it. Gulf had thought that the obvious reason was Mew didn’t want to see HIM.

That day had been really scary for Gulf. He had felt out of place and awkward. He wasn’t used to places with big crowds and loud noises.

Gulf hadn’t been close with any of the other cast members from TharnType at the time and had felt a little bit lost. But he had been worried as well. Worried for his P’Mew, wandering around with the guy that had hurt him.

But a smile had come to his face when he saw, a couple of hours later, Mew walking to him with a different set of clothes.

- Did you miss me? - he had asked when he got to Gulf’s side.

- A little bit - Gulf had answered.

Having Mew by his side had been the most amazing feeling. Gulf had felt safe and taken care of. Mew had been patient with his questions and had helped him in any way possible. Gulf had watched him all night, wondering if he saw or talked to that guy, and praying to the gods he didn’t. But Mew looked calm and focused, not sad or angry.

After that, Gulf had thought they had become a little bit closer to each other.

But no.

Mew was still keeping his distance.

Workshops came and they started having some skinship. It was important for them to be comfortable together because if they weren’t, the series wouldn’t be a success. But Mew was really careful with his touches, like expecting Gulf to be angry or scared of him. Their interactions had been awkward and not smooth at all.

Gulf had been fed up by the time they had to act the “Call me by your name” scene.

He didn’t plan it, he wasn’t going to do it.

But he had to show Mew that he didn’t mind being touched by him.

Like taking off a band-aid. Right?

Gulf had kissed him. And Gulf had felt all the chills going through his body. It hadn’t even been a good kiss, but it had been a kiss nonetheless.

“I’m not a leper. It’s ok to touch me”

Gulf saw, more than felt the surrender in Mew. He had finally reached him.

--------------------------------**--------------------------------

Gulf was sitting against the wall, looking at his phone in the workshop. He was sleepy as hell because he had spent the night playing a new game on his phone. And a sleepy Gulf was a dangerous Gulf. The other cast members learned really fast not to disturb a sleepy Gulf while he was still waking up.

Only one person got to him in that state.

- Nong, you need to have some breakfast.

Gulf looked up with a scowl and looked at Mew. Then, a sleepy smile appeared on his face.

- Phiiii~

Mew was standing in front of him, holding a plate with pieces of fruits on it.

He took Gulf by the hand to make him get up. After that, he sat in the cushion Gulf had been previously on, and pulled him to his lap. As Gulf sighed and pressed his back to his Phi chest, Mew started feeding him pieces of fruits.

- I know you don’t like strawberries, but the rest is good uh? - Mew said.

Gulf only nodded as he continued looking at his phone.

After a few minutes, the fruit was gone and Mew stayed there with Gulf on his lap as he tapped on his tummy. Gulf thought the action was very cute, and the fact that Mew didn’t even realize he was doing it made it even better.

But Gulf knew Mew was still a little bit hesitant about them touching more than needed. Gulf has spent hours thinking about that kiss. He didn’t know if it was the best way to approach Mew.

The rest of the workshop was them practically sleeping on a blanket.

Gulf was feeling apprehensive because of Mew’s withdraw. Did they take a step back? They were getting closer. Or so had Gulf thought.

Did I go too far by kissing him? I thought he wouldn’t mind. I shouldn’t have done it. Now he’s uncomfortable around me. I don’t want that.

Gulf knew that was probably not it, but he could help thinking that way.

And being the blunt person he was, Gulf put out all of the insecurities he had about that particular subject.

- Did I do something to make you feel uncomfortable?

Even though Gulf was talking about his own insecurities, Mew’s answer didn’t surprise Gulf at all.

- It’s because of my own issues Gulf. It’s not you in any way - Mew’s eyes had clouded with pain and shame.

If it wasn’t me… Then…

- Are you talking about the scandal? Is this what this is about?

Gulf was feeling frustrated. He wasn’t like HIM. He would never do such shit to a person. And the fact that Mew couldn’t see that hurt Gulf’s feelings a little bit.

But… Gulf needed to be patient with Mew.

Trust was something that took time to build… and just a second to destroy.

Gulf was determined to show Mew that he could trust him. And that he would never betray him.

- You don’t mind if I touch you? - Mew was still insecure after all.

- I don’t mind Phi - Gulf said as he hugged and wrapped himself around Mew - I know I can trust you.

Mew’s eyes made Gulf’s heart hurt. He was so broken inside, so scared. Gulf knew he needed to take it slow with him. He would show him. He would take care of him.

Gulf would love him.

Because it was true. He was inevitable in love with that sweet man.

Gulf hugged Mew and hid his face in his neck.

And Mew’s arms tightening around his body was the best feeling he had ever felt in his life.

------------------------------**-----------------------------

- Phi!!! Move next to me! - Gulf screamed through the microphone.

It was one of those days that they ended up playing together online, rather than trying to talk about the series. After Mew decided to take a step closer, they had realized they were equally crazy about videogames. Gulf hadn’t had let the opportunity pass and had invited Mew to his party.

But what he didn’t think about was… His mood while playing videogames.

- Why do I feel like I’m being scolded? - Mew said amused.

- Stop that! Go to the front line!

Gulf was a serious videogame player and liked to win. Like everyone did.

- I’m coming Nong. Wait for a second

Gulf saw his character die and groaned.

- Noooo, I’m dead!

Mew laugh over the microphone and made Gulf a little mad.

- Are you laughing at me? - Gulf said with a dark tone.

- I would never, Gulf. I’m dead too - Mew took a moment before talking again - We should really get back to work.

Gulf didn’t want to but knew it was time.

- Yeah… I know. So…. Type…

--------------------------------**----------------------------

- Hi Gulf! Come on in - Poom said at her apartment’s door.

- Hi Poom, how are you?

They haven’t seen each other in a while. She was always overseas working and Gulf was lately focused on the series.

- I’m tired but good - she said as they sat on the living room’s couch and looked at each other.

A few minutes of silence went by before Gulf looked up and opened his mouth to talk, but his girlfriend was faster.

- You found it, didn’t you? That’s why you’re here.

Gulf looked at her surprised.

- I know you Gulf. You haven’t stopped talking about your P’Mew since you saw him. I’m always traveling, but I’m not blind.

Gulf’s cheeks became red at what she said. Was he so obvious?

- And you’re ok with it? - Gulf asked her.

- I knew our relationship had an expiration date Gulf - she smiled - You have my blessing. I hope this turns out good for you. You have a sweet heart and deserve to be happy.

Gulf’s eyes started to water. He didn’t love her the way she deserved, but he loved her anyway. She was his friend.

- Will you still be around? - Gulf whispered.

She moved closer to him and hugged him.

- Of course, I’ll be dear. We are friends, no matter what. I’m rooting for you.

- I love you, you know that, right?

- Of course, I do. Now go make that man fall for you.

---------------------------**-------------------------

Gulf was still crying on Mew’s shoulder after they finished filming the nightmare scene in episode 2.

After he calmed down, he looked up to see Mew’s worried face.

- Feeling better? - he asked.

- Yeah. Thanks, Phi.

Gulf got up from the bed and went to his bag to look for tissues when he saw his phone light up.

It was a message from Poom.

“Call me ASAP”

Gulf frowned and call his friend back.

“Gulf!” she answered happily.

- Hi Poom. What’s wrong? - he was a bit worried.

“It’s all good honey. I just need a favor. Can you look after Minnie next week? I have a photo-shoot and I can leave her alone for such a long time”

Minnie was Poom’s cat. A bitch of a cat if Gulf may add. The thing never got along with him. Always scratching him every time she saw him.

- Ahhh - Gulf hesitated.

“Please! I don’t have anyone else to call”

- Ok Poom, but just a few days.

“Promise! I’ll call you later for details”

- Ok, bye.

Chapter Text

POV Gulf

Mew was pulling back again.

Gulf could feel it. But this time he didn’t have a clue of why he was doing that.

Gulf had tried talking to him, make him explain why he was withdrawing once again, but Mew kept saying everything was ok. And as oblivious as Gulf can sometimes be, he felt it.

- We’re fine Gulf. I’m just tired. My master is taking my sleep away.

Even though Gulf knew that could very much be true, there was something else he felt… odd.

They had to film the bathroom scene. It was their first sex scene and Gulf was nervous as hell. He had never done anything like that before. He and Mew were pretty in sync back in the workshop, but with the later change of mood between them, Gulf had been feeling anxious.

They were sitting together on one of the set’s beds. Mew had to see the worried expression on Gulf’s face because, for the first time in many days, Mew started contact. Mew took one of his hands.

- Everything will be fine Nong - Mew looked him in the eye - just remember what we practice. I’ll be there next to you, Tharn will be with you. Just summon the Type in you and let it roll.

Gulf took a big breath and let it out.

Type?

Yes? What do you want?

Gulf internally rolled his eyes. Type was always in such a bad mood.

I need you now.

Roger that.

Gulf looked at Mew’s eyes and nodded.

We can do this.

Gulf got up from the bed and stood in front of Mew.

- Are you ready, Phi? - he smiled down at his Phi, trying to put all the calm he could into it.

-Yes. Let’s do this.

*Action*

- I might give them back - Tharn said with his jackass smile - if you let me shower with you.

What the…? You’ve got to be kidding me?

Even though Type’s body and heart seemed excited by the idea, his head didn’t agree.

- What the hell are you saying?

Tharn’s body pushed him inside the bathroom and to a wall. He took off his shirt and Type couldn’t help look at his naked chest. Tharn was built and it was turning Type on.

You like it.

No, I don’t. I’m not gay!

Tharn touched him and kissed him. Type knew he could perfectly push him away and punch his stupid face, but for some reason, his body wouldn’t answer to him.

For some reason? Just say you’re feeling it.

Shut the fuck up!

Gulf wasn’t ashamed to say, he was enjoying the experience way too much. He knew he was supposed to be Type, but somehow Gulf came out as well.

Tharn got to his knees in front of him.

Gulf let the moment get into his head. A guy he was attracted to was giving him a blowjob, so of course it would feel good. But at the same time, he was reluctant because of his past. That dichotomy was the one that made Type’s body win over his head.

It was just too good.

Type squeezed his shoulder after he was done, making him go up to his feet once again.

- I told you - he said - I’m not only good at talking.

*Cut*

Gulf didn’t have time to step out of his character before Mew was leaving the set.

- Phi! - he called, but Mew ignored him.

That was the last straw.

Gulf was now more sad than angry. Why? Why was he doing that again?

He had thought they were past all that. Gulf had said that he didn’t mind being touched by him. Did he have a problem with him? If he did, why wouldn’t he talk to Gulf?

The next day, Gulf called Mild. He was taking matters into his own hands.

Mild told him, very mockingly, that he was fed up with their problems and to solve it right away. He gave him Mew’s address and wished him good luck.

Gulf took all the courage he had inside and went to his Phi’s condo.

But what he didn’t expect was finding a beautiful western girl, opening the door.

She was equally surprised of seeing him there. But she was kind and gentle with him as she got out of the condo.

Is she Phi’s girlfriend?

That would make sense. She was gorgeous. They would look amazing together.

The thought made his heart ache for a moment. If he had a girlfriend then that would mean he didn’t have a chance. But that didn’t matter. Just because he couldn’t be with Mew the way he wanted to, didn’t mean he wouldn’t support him and be by his side.

They argued a lot. Gulf needed to know the reason. Was it something he did? Was it his fault?

But it turned out… it was not.

- Then you shouldn’t have lied to me! - Mew yelled.

Gulf was surprised by a moment. Lied? Gulf had never lied to his Phi. Anger started to build in him as he spoke again.

- You are one to talk.

He didn’t have any right to say that when he didn’t tell Gulf about his amazing girlfriend.

- You don’t have the right to be upset when you have a girlfriend yourself! - Mew had said.

Gulf was dumbfounded. How…? What? Who told him that?

Gulf was fully angry by the time he left his condo. He couldn’t believe it. Mew just heard something about him and believed it. Just like that. Without talking to him. Without making sure it was true.

Gulf heart broke again to the fact that his P’Mew didn’t trust him at all.

Tears of fury and frustration came to his eyes. How could Gulf make him believe his words and feelings?

He was angry. He was infuriated with Mew.

A few days later and Gulf was still angry and sad. It wasn’t a good combination of feelings. His mood was the worst anyone had ever seen in him and Gulf had the thought that he was scaring everyone.

But he didn’t care.

- I’m sorry - Mew had said when they talked again.

And it didn’t matter how hurt he was, or how angry he had been, Gulf melted when he saw regret and shame in Mew’s eyes.

- So you forgive me?

- I will - Gulf said - But you have to stop putting me in that guy’s shadow. I’m not him.

And Gulf meant it. He wasn’t gonna pay for somebody else’s actions.

Gulf could finally breathe after they talked. He didn’t like being mad. Being mad took too much energy. He would rather just cuddle and sleep beside Mew.

But troubles kept coming their way.

Mew’s panic attack, while they were practicing, gave Gulf an idea of how affected he was by that guy’s actions. Gulf suffered alongside him. Every time Mew tried to take a breath but couldn’t, every tear that came down his cheek, Gulf felt it all.

So he wanted to give Mew some time to recover. Panic attacks could leave a person really tired emotionally and physically. Episode four was an important episode and they needed to be at their best.

P’Tee and P’MAME thought the same and allowed him to take Mew back home with him.

Gulf had thought Mew would appreciate the gesture, but he was so wrong.

- I’m fucking fine Gulf - Mew screamed at him - You don’t think I can do this? Is that it? I’m a professional, I can do it in my sleep. Or is it that you don’t want to film the love…

Gulf couldn’t allow him to think that way. That was not what he intended. He just wanted to show him that he cared. That he loved him.

Gulf couldn’t hold it in anymore.

Before he could think twice, he shut Mew up by kissing him. Grabbing his face with his hands, Gulf kissed him like he had been dreaming for months.

- It’s because I like you… you asshole.

Gulf had tears in his eyes from the emotion.

Did I make a mistake?

Mew just looked taken aback and his wide-open eyes looked all over Gulf’s face.

Suddenly his face paled and he pulled away, only to walk away from the room.

Well… fuck. 

Chapter Text

POV Gulf

Gulf was lying down in bed a couple of days later.

What the hell had he been thinking?

How could he have done that?

He knew, all too well, that he needed to take things slow with Mew. He was hurt and insecure. Gulf knew that because they talked about it when Mew had his panic attack in front of him.

- What happened P’Mew? - Gulf had asked, wanting to know if he somehow had hurt him.

Mew was still recovering from the event, taking deep breaths trying to calm himself. He was still in Gulf’s arms, being hugged by the younger, closing his eyes as trying to focus on Gulf’s question.

- I have panic attacks from time to time. I don’t know what causes them, but they’re getting worse.

Gulf couldn’t help getting tense.

Was it his fault?

Like sensing Gulf’s change, Mew had pulled away from his Nong’s embrace.

- I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. It has nothing to do with you. It’s all me.

- I’m not so sure about that P’Mew.

He just had a major attack while talking to him. Wasn’t it obvious that it had something to do with Gulf?

- How did they start? - Gulf had asked hesitantly.

Mew had looked down before answering.

- They started a couple of months ago. After he… after that. I don’t know what triggers them or how to avoid them.

That guy had really left a wreck behind. Mew was so broken it hurt seeing him like that.

- I’ll be fine Gulf. Don’t worry too much.

- P’Mew, I want to know what I can do to help - Gulf had needed to do something for his Phi. Otherwise, he would feel like a failure.

Mew had looked up into his eyes… and softly smiled.

- You’re helping me Gulf. You don’t know it… but you’re.

Gulf cleaned the moisture that was coming out of his eyes. He was such an idiot. He tried so hard to take it slow, to slowly make Mew trust him before confessing his feelings. Now, everything was a mess.

They had least than 5 days before they needed to film episode 4. One of the most important episodes in the series. And they were like that.

Because of him.

Gulf turned around on the bed as he heard his phone ringing. Hoping it was his Phi, he quickly looked at the screen, only to disappoint himself.

Poom calling…

With a sigh, he answered the call.

“Hello Gulfie”

- Hi Poom.

His friend took a moment before asking.

“What happened?”

Gulf’s eyes started to water once again. How to tell her how badly he fucked things up?

- I messed up Poom - he said with trembling voice - I knew it was a mistake, but I couldn’t help it.

“Calm down sweetie, tell me what happened”

Gulf told her everything, but the panic attack part and the cause of it. Gulf still thought it was something private of Mew and not his story to tell.  

- He’s running away now Poom.

“Well… chase him”

The hell?

- Excuse me?

“You heard me” she said in a ‘matter of fact’ tone.

- He ran away Poom! I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to see me! I just kissed him without asking him first.

“I’ve seen some videos Gulf. I’ve seen how he looks at you. He isn’t unaffected”

He isn’t?

- That’s just acting for some BTS videos. It’s not real.

“Believe me, that kind of look you can’t act it out”

Gulf was starting to get a headache. His phone in his hand vibrated, announcing another call.

- Poom I got to go, I have another call. It can be work-related - even though Gulf hoped it wasn’t.

“Ok baby. But please try to fix this, ok?”

- I’ll try - Gulf hoped he could - Bye Poom.

“Bye dear”

Gulf hung up the call and looked at the other one on the screen.

+66 **** *** calling…

Who the hell is this?

Confused, Gulf answered the call apprehensive.

- Hello?

“Is this Gulf Kanawut’s phone?” a female voice asked.

- Yes, this is him.

“I’m Jane. Mew’s friend”

-------------------------------------**----------------------------------

POV Mew

Mew was sitting on the floor beside his bed, his head down between his knees.

How did he get himself in that situation?

That wasn’t supposed to happen.

He finally got a second chance after what happened a few months back, and he was ruining it. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t make the same mistake once again.

When did things change for him?

When did he start looking for him every time they had to meet?

When did he start seeing him as more than a friend?

When did his feelings change?

I don’t mind Phi. I know I can trust you. Let’s sleep now

Trust.

Such a simple word that carried such a deep meaning.

Gulf said he trusted him. They had only met for a few days, but he was convinced Mew would protect him. He entrusted his body to the older, never caring for his past and the rumors.

But Mew as unable to trust him back.

And that’s what hurt him the most.

Gulf had never done anything to question his faithfulness, but there was still a voice in his head saying he shouldn't put that kind of power in anybody’s hands ever again.

Mew still heard HIS voice.

Mew looked up for a moment before resting the back of his head on his bed.

What should he do now?

They still needed to work together. Mew wasn’t giving the series up. And he still wanted Gulf in his life.

Maybe he was being selfish.

Mew sighed while looking at his white ceiling.

Why did Gulf even do that?

Mew didn’t want to believe he did it to make fun of him. That couldn’t be it.

“I love how you look at me P’Mew”

Mew took his hands to his ears, trying not to listen to that voice. He couldn’t have a panic attack at that moment.

“Have you ever thought about it Phi? How soft my lips can be?”

Mew’s breathing started to quicken as he continued trying to quiet down HIS voice. He didn’t want to hear HIM. He didn’t want to think about that night. He needed to calm himself down. Mew took one of his hands to his chest, feeling the pressure there. This one was the worst one he had ever had.

“P’Mew, please breathe with me”

Mew stopped his movements when, for the first time in a while, he heard somebody else in his head. He could feel soft hands caressing his while talking softly to his ear.

“Are you here with me, P’Mew?”

Mew slowly started to breathe a little better. His voice and touch still printed in his head and body. A calming sensation went through his entire body as he moved once again against his bed.

“Come back to me, P’Mew. Don’t stay there alone”

Gulf.

Still trying to catch his breath, Mew moved himself to rest on top of his bed. He needed to sleep for a while.

----------------------------------**-------------------------------

- Mew - he heard someone call him.

Mew slowly tried to wake himself up. His vision was blurry and he couldn’t see anything but darkness outside his window.

Reaching for his glasses on the bedside table, Mew looked at the person that just talked to him.

- P’Jane - he said surprised.

She stared at him with sad eyes, before taking one of her hands to his cheek.

- You’ve been here for days now. Have you eaten?

Mew looked down a little ashamed. He never meant to make her worried for him.

- I’m ok Jane. I just needed to sort some things out.

- And did you?

- What? - Mew asked confused.

- Sorted them out.

Mew sighed. He still didn’t know what to do. But one thing was clear. He needed to talk to his Nong. They needed to clear some things out.

- I’m still on it - Mew said while smiling a little bit.

- Good, because someone is waiting for you.

- Alai wa?

Mew looked up and found Gulf standing by his bedroom door, looking down to the floor.

I'm not ready yet.

- Mew - Jane called him.

He took his look away from the young man waiting by his door.

- Just talk to him, na? He looks bad too.

He looks bad?

Mew looked at him again. But with the darkness of his room and his vision he couldn’t see very well. Slowly, he nodded to Jane.

She got up from the bed, walked to the door, and said something to Gulf. He quickly nodded before she took off.

Gulf stood there, looking like he didn’t know what to do next.

- Come here Gulf - Mew finally said.

Gulf looked up for a moment, before slowly starting to walk to where he was.

- Sit here - Mew said patting the side of his bed, next to him.

Gulf sat down quietly, still looking down.

Now that Mew could see him thanks to his bed light, he could see what Jane was talking about. Gulf looked like a mess. His hair wasn’t styled and his clothes were a little wrinkled. He seemed like he had lost a few pounds.

Throwing his issues out the window, Mew took one of Gulf’s hands in his.

Gulf looked up with a surprised expression on his face. Now that Mew could see his face, he could notice the dark circles in his eyes.

- Why haven’t you taken care of yourself Gulf? - Mew said softly.

Gulf eyes started to water.

Did I say something wrong?

- You’re one to talk - he said in a low voice.

Mew knew how he probably looked. They were just a mess.

- I’m so sorry Phi - Gulf started saying, without looking at Mew’s face - I shouldn’t have done that to you. It was selfish-

- Why did you do it Gulf? - Mew needed to know. He couldn’t fathom the possibility of Gulf making fun of him.

Gulf bit his lip with force, almost getting blood out of it.

- Don’t do that - Mew said as he freed his chestnut lip with his thumb.

Gulf swallowed while looking anywhere but his Phi.

- Don’t you know it, na Phi? - Gulf said while a tear came down his cheek - Don’t you see how much I love you?

Mew held his breath as the sentence got into his brain.

Love me?

- I know I shouldn’t say this - Gulf continued - I know you’re nowhere near ready to deal with my feelings, but I can’t help it.

Mew’s body started shaking. He was right. Mew couldn’t deal with that. Did Gulf love him? That couldn’t be true.

- You’re lying - Mew said agitated - You can’t love me. We’re mates. We just got close and you misunderstood what you’re feeling…

- You can believe whatever you want Phi. But don’t belittle my feelings. I know how I feel. And even though I knew you wouldn’t believe me, I still wanted you to know - Gulf seemed mad at that point.

Gulf got up from the bed, ready to leave the room with an embarrassed expression.

- Wait! - Mew yelled.

Gulf stopped but didn’t turn around, standing there with his back to Mew.

- Don’t go like that. I can’t lose you too Gulf - Mew said, struggling with his words.

Gulf slowly turned around and saw Mew’s watery eyes. He moved until he was standing in front of the older.

- Then what do you want to do? I told you how I feel, and you can’t believe it or even trust in what I’m saying.

- I care about you too Gulf… It’s just - Mew's lips trembled - I can’t right now…

Tears streamed down Mew’s cheeks. He cared about his Nong too. Mew new that. But he couldn’t be in that position again. He couldn’t allow himself to be vulnerable again.

Never again.

- If you can’t right now, then what about later?

Mew looked up and saw Gulf’s sad but determined eyes. Gulf softly took Mew's cheeks with his hands and wiped his tears away with his thumbs.

- What?

- If you can’t deal with it now, why not waiting? I’m not going anywhere and my feelings won’t move a centimeter. I know you still can’t trust me, but I’m gonna prove to you that I’m worthy of your trust. I’m gonna make you fall in love with me P’Mew.

Gulf moved forward and hugged his body. Warmness filled Mew everywhere. That same warmness he couldn’t find anywhere else, that took all the coldness he had been feeling for months away.

I think I already am Gulf. And that scares the shit out of me.

Chapter Text

POV Mew

Mew woke up, blinking to try to clear his sight.

Ugh, dry contacts.

His eyes hurt and burned so much he wanted to pull them out. He lifted up a hand to try to remove them, but his hand was stocked under something heavy.

What the hell…?

Mew looked down at his chest and saw dark fluffy hair.

Gulf.

Mew remembered. Gulf had gone to his condo, trying to fix things between them. They both had been a mess the entire time they weren’t together. That really should tell Mew something about his relationship with the young man.

Maybe he was already too deep in.

Mew lifted his other hand to start caressing the boy’s hair softly, trying not to wake him up. They had been so tired after talking. Neither of them had been sleeping well those days. And even though, Mew was kind of used to function with 3 hours of sleep, his Nong wasn’t. In fact, Gulf was barely a human when he was sleepy.

Mew had been ready to take all his new growing feelings deep inside him, and to lock them away. He wouldn’t allow himself to feel that way about a co-worker. Not again. There was too much on the line to lose if he did.

But once again, when he had decided to pull back, Gulf had come running back to him. Gulf wouldn’t allow him to hide. He wouldn’t allow Mew not to feel.

- Are you both better? - Jane had asked after they both finished crying like muffins. Gulf had asked to go to the bathroom to wash his face, so Mew took the time to call his friend.

- Yes, we are better Phi - Mew had answered - How did you find out? That him and I…

- Were sulking at each other? - Jane had finished for him, kind of amused.

- Weren’t in talking terms.

- Bosser told me the other day at dinner and I-

- Wait! Wait!! Wait - Mew had suddenly stopped her - Wait a damn minute! Dinner?

- Not the point Mew. Anyway, he told me that you both had been looking kind of weird for days, but you always told him you were fine. Usually, he would have left your whiny ass alone, but this time Gulf was in bad condition as well.

Mew had listened to her with guilt consuming his soul. He hadn’t known Gulf was suffering too. But again, sometimes we hurt people without knowing, trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt. Mew had been so consumed in his own misery to even see anything around him.

- He gave me Gulf’s number. I called him. I told him you weren’t eating and resting properly and that you guys should talk things out. He agreed pretty quickly, so I brought him to the condo.

Mew was actually kind of thankful for his nosy friend. Being the way he was, Mew knew he would’ve called Gulf eventually, but talking face to face was so much better.

- Rhak Phi, na? - Mew said.

- Aow! Why was that for? - Jane had said surprised.

- Just take the damn love, would you?!

- Kha, kha. So everything is alright now?

Mew had thought about it. Were they fine now?

- I seriously don’t know P’Jane, but we are working through it - Mew had thought about the moment when Gulf entered his bedroom - By the way, what did you say to him when you left the condo?

- Curious, huh?

- Well… yeah.

- He looked a little hesitant and apprehensive so I gave him a little advice.

- Which was…?

- “Even the most violent animal can be tamed with the touch of a caring hand”. Is a quote from one of my favorite books.

- So now I’m a violent animal? - Mew didn’t seem amused.

- I made my point. It worked, didn’t it?

Mew had been a little annoyed, but he had to say it did work.

- I leave you now Phi - Mew started to hang up.

- Wait! - Jane called him - Mew?

- Yes, I’m still here.

- Will you do me a favor?

- Anything.

- Give the pretty boy a chance. I really like him MewMew.

Mew had hesitated before answering.

- He’s too precious to be in my world, Jane. My darkness will stain his light.

- Or maybe his light will dissipate the darkness that has surrounded you for months. I’ve seen his eyes. They are so different from HIS.

Mew swallowed and took a deep breath. He remembered what she had said about HIM.

His eyes don’t speak out the truth. He’s saying something, but his eyes are saying otherwise

- Why are Gulf’s eyes different?

- Because they never turn away from you, and when you are not there, they’re always looking for you.

Mew looked down at the sleeping figure spread all across his chest. His hair still smelled like honey and something that was undeniably Gulf. Mew felt at ease with him. Like he could finally breathe, after months of trying to live without crumbling apart.

Mew had meant what he said to Jane. He was way too shattered to even fathom being put together by someone like Gulf. He was too bright, too innocent, too naive, too young. All the shit that had been with him for months was going to make a hole in Gulf’s life.

And even though Mew was falling in love with Gulf, he wouldn’t allow himself to be with him. Not yet. Mew was going to protect him from himself.

Mew knew all his insecurities and issues would only break Gulf apart.

They had been too tired to even keep talking by the end of the discussion.

- Can we lay down for a bit, Phi? - Gulf had said after walking out of the bathroom - The room his spinning a bit.

- Gulf! - Mew had quickly hugged him - Are you ok?

- I’m fine Phi… I’m just tired. Can we continue talking after a nap? - his voice sounded really weak.

Mew didn’t remember how, but they had ended up cuddling in the living room’s couch.

Gulf started to stir in Mew’s arms, and Mew rapidly stopped his caressing.

- Hmm…? - Gulf looked so cute in Mew’s eyes. Like a little kitten waking up from a nap.

Gulf’s head moved up and then side to side. It seemed like he was trying to locate himself. Mew felt his body tense for a moment before he looked up at his face.

Then a bright smile split his sleepy face.

- Phiii~

- Hmm - Mew hummed - Did you sleep well?

- Khrub, Phi - Gulf put his head back on Mew’s wide chest, and hugged his middle with his arms, coddling back to sleep.

- Don’t fall asleep again Gulf - Mew once again put his hand in Gulf’s hair - It’s getting late. Aren’t you going back home?

- Are you throwing me out, Phi? - Gulf said kinda joking, kinda hurt.

Never.

- No, I’m not Gulf. But I don’t want you on the streets late at night.

Gulf moved again to put his hands crossed on Mew’s chest and resting his head on top of them. He was watching Mew… really closely.

- Then… Can I stay the night?

Mew stilled at that. Stay the night? Was he for real?

- Emm…

- Please Phi! I won’t be problem. I promise - Gulf looked at him with his big bambi eyes.

Mew thought about it. If Gulf stayed there that night, they would have to sleep in the same bed…

- Phi, khrubbbb~ - Gulf said whinny.

He knows what that tone does to me. Ugh! I can’t say no to that. It’s my weakness.

- Fine, you can stay - Mew hoped he didn’t just make a mistake.

- Yaaaayyyyyy - Gulf screamed lifting his arms up.

Mew smiled while shaking his head. Gulf could be such a kid sometimes.

- Are you hungry?

- A little Phi.

- Let’s order dinner and watch a movie.

- Khrub, Phi - Gulf said excitedly.

---------------------------**-------------------------

Gulf was laying down, with his head on Mew’s lap while the older caressed his hair. Mew thought he was truly like a kitten, always looking for being caressed.

Mew was drinking a soda, and almost choked when he heard Gulf say:

- Aren’t we going to practice the love scene from episode 4?

- Alai wa?!

Gulf got up from where he was resting to look at his Phi’s face.

-I’m serious.

- Shouldn't you be more worried about the crying scene?

- We already did that on workshop, remember?

Oh… right.

Gulf eyes were expectant while looking at him. Was he even looking forward to the practice?

- What do you want to do?

- Well - Gulf looked down at Mew’s lips - I wanna do what Type would do in that situation.

- Beat the shit out of me?

- Kiss you until you can’t remember the taste of anyone else.

Mew started coughing at that. Sometimes, Gulf’s boldness surprised him. As shy as the young man could be, he was such a brat when in confidence.

- You told me you wouldn’t pressure me - Mew told him.

- I’m not pressuring you, P’Mew - Gulf’s little smile made Mew’s heart skip a beat - I’m just giving you reasons for you to make a decision faster.

Mew looked at Gulf with wide eyes. He couldn’t believe he was being played by his Nong.

Gulf started to lean closer to Mew’s face until they were an inch apart.

- It’s just practice, P’Mew. Nothing more.

Mew lifted a hand to brush the little hairs out of Gulf’s face softly.

- I know Gulf. But the next time I kiss you, it won’t be with a practice or a scene as an excuse. The next time I kiss you for real, it can’t be as Tharn and Type. The next time I kiss you will be when I put my shit together and become someone deserving of you.

Gulf’s eyes were shiny as they looked at the man in front of him.

- You’re deserving P’Mew. I believe that.

- I know… But the point is, I have to believe it myself.

Gulf moved forward and hugged his Phi.

- I’ll help you Phi. I’ll be here with you every step of the way. Nothing you do could drive me apart from you.

Mew hugged him tight and a somber thought crossed his mind.

I don’t think I can believe that… Not yet.

--------------------------**-------------------------

- Are you nervous Phi? - Gulf asked him on set.

They were about to film the love scene, and Mew had to tell, at least to himself, that he was nervous.

He hadn’t done a scene like this one in quite a while. Even though this one was a little softer than the one he had previously done in the past, it was a love scene with Gulf.

Mew was going to touch him, kiss him, caress him.

- What if I get lost Phi? - Gulf seemed worried.

- Lost? What do you mean?

- You know how I get lost in my character when there are strong emotions. Plus… - Gulf looked at him sheepishly - I’m gonna be touching my crush. I might have a reaction and somehow make you uncomfortable.

Mew couldn’t believe his ears. After all the time he spent worrying about making Gulf uncomfortable with his touch, because of his past, here the little Nong was thinking something similar.

- I won’t be uncomfortable Gulf - he reassured his Nong - Actually, I think I’m flattered.

- What if everyone sees it?

- I’ll do my best to hide it. The shots are gonna be taken from the chest up. So don’t worry too much. Remember what we talked about, about Tharn and Type’s feelings, and just let go. Viewers will love it. I assure you.

Asshole, you’re up.

We’re gonna have so much fun today.

Gulf looked a little calmer by the time they started filming.

*Action*

- Let me teach you - Tharn said looking at Type’s lips - This kind of stuff… is more than just go straight to it.

Type looked scared, nauseous, and nervous all at the same time.

Does he even want this?

Let’s find out.

Tharn pushed Type to the bed and got on top of him. Looking down at his beautiful lips, Tharn leaned down to kiss them.

- No kissing - he rapidly said.

Does he think this is “Pretty Woman” or what?

- I’m not having sex with someone who won’t kiss me.

You’re not running away this time.

Take it easy. He’s nervous.

- Dammit - Type said annoyed. Taking the back of Tharn’s head, he put his lips on top of his, just pressing them together hard.

- Happy now? - Type said.

Is he for real?

- It’s not enough for me.

Tharn leaned down and kissed the lips he was so obsessed with since he saw them for the first time. Type kept still, not moving a muscle while his roommate feasted himself with his mouth.

Type finally seemed to surrender to the motion and started kissing back. His mouth was heaven to Tharn and it drove him crazy with lust. Tharn took a piece of ice from the glass he had previously put beside the bed. Putting it in his own mouth, he kissed Type again, pushing the small piece of ice to his mouth with his tongue.

Tharn took his undershirt off, revealing his wide chest and abs.

Dude… look down.

What?

That’s not my Type… I think it’s someone else.

Mew looked down at the person under him and saw raw lust in the boy’s eyes. They were on fire.

Gulf.

Gulf was looking at him. This wasn’t Type. That raw need in his Nong’s eyes made him realized that at some point in the scene, Mew and Gulf substituted Tharn and Type.

Show must go on.

Mew took Gulf’s hand in his and brought it to his chest. Gulf’s hand was trembling and his hot breath came in and out in short intakes. Gulf softly scratched his skin, on his way from Mew’s chest to his abs. He looked dazed, too lost in the moment.

Mew couldn’t take it anymore and started kissing the young man everywhere. Mew just unleashed his passion kissing his mouth, licking his neck, grabbing his face to keep him still. With his tongue, Mew explored Gulf’s mouth, relishing his sweet flavor. He couldn’t stop… he didn’t want to stop. Taking Gulf’s hip in his hand, Mew brought his lower half up to meet his. He was hard. Mew could feel it.

This man is mine.

*Cut*

Mew pulled away from Gulf when he heard the call. Looking down at Gulf, Mew swallowed at the sight. He was all red, his lips were wet and puffy from his kisses, his eyes were dazed and slightly teary and he was breathing hard.

Damn dude! Give me some tips!

Shut the fuck up Tharn.

P’Tee came closer to them and said:

- It was ok… but let’s tone it down a little bit ok? No tongue this time.

Mew went red at that. He was a little embarrassed by the fact that he had let himself get lost in the moment while filming. That didn’t happen before.

Mew looked down at Gulf, once again, only to see him a bit uncomfortable.

- Nong… are you ok? - Mew asked worriedly.

- I’m ok Phi… - he looked around and then whispered to him - I need to go to the bathroom.

Mew looked down to Gulf’s crotch to see a tend standing there.

Mew smiled at his Nong and said:

- Let’s go Nong. I think I need to go too.

Gulf smiled back at him.

I don’t think I’m gonna have any nightmares today.

Chapter Text

POV Gulf

What the hell is going on?

Gulf was beyond confused.

They had been fine for the last few days. They had bonded and talked until late at night almost every day. Gulf had had the feeling that he was getting closer to Mew, especially after filming episode four.

Mew had been with him all day, knowing how emotionally exhausting episode four’s scenes were for him. He had hugged him, had taken his hand in his, never been out of Gulf’s side for more than a few minutes.

- I hope you’ll do the same when my turn comes - Mew had said.

They had been spending more and more time together by themselves, without the company of other cast members. It had become a normal thing for Gulf to stay at Mew’s condo to sleep. They would play games, watch movies, practice their script together… and sometimes they just talked.

Well… I talked.

Mew was kinda difficult to open up. Even though he had told Gulf some things about his life, he had drawn an invisible line between them. There were certain topics that Gulf knew was off-limit: like his past, the scandal, his family… stuff like that.

Gulf was hoping that opening up to him would make him relax around him for a bit.

But, two days ago something changed.

Mew wasn’t pulling back this time. Not like he previously had done.

Mew was sulking.

Yes… you heard it right.

Mew freaking Suppasit, the superstar of 28 years old, was sulking like a toddler.

And Gulf was beyond bemused.

Gulf hadn’t done anything that could explain Mew’s actual state. Or at least, he didn’t think so.

They had to film a scene from episode five, and Mew wasn’t talking to him. Hell, he wasn’t even looking in his general direction. They were at the mall waiting to do the scene. Mew’s lower lip was somehow prominent as he stood waiting for the rest of the crew to arrive.

- Phi~ - Gulf said to him while grabbing his arm.

Mew kept looking at the script he had in his hand, never attending at Gulf’s call.

Gulf just gave up at some point. Mew was being a child, so it was best for Gulf if he just left him alone. Maybe in a while, he would be able to talk to his Phi again. Gulf took his script and sat down in a bench near the store where they were supposed to film… and sighed.

It’s gonna be a long day.

------------------------**-------------------------

POV Mew

He was being childish.

Mew knew it. He was behaving like a kid. But he couldn’t help it.

He was mad.

At himself, at Gulf, and at that freaking girl… Poom.

He was feeling restless since two days ago.

- Do you think we did a good job with the love scene? - Gulf had asked the other day.

They had been in Mew’s living room, sitting on the couch, practicing some lines.

- I think so. We did our best after all.

- Yeah, but I think some tongue will be shown.

Mew had almost choked on his soda when he heard that.

- Gulf!

- What? - Gulf had looked at him innocently - You know I can’t help it. Your mouth is addicting.

Gulf had looked at Mew’s mouth while saying that, and his eyes had gone onyx with excitement.

- Gulf, we agreed that you wouldn’t say things like that - he shouldn’t tempt Mew.

- Can’t I flirt with you?

- Not at the moment.

- Too bad… because I’m not gonna stop doing it - Gulf had leaned forward and given Mew a little peck.

Mew had opened his eyes wide and stared at his Nong. He couldn’t believe he just had done that.

- You… little brat! - Mew hadn’t known what to do.

- Guilty as charged - Gulf had smiled while looking at him blushing.

- Stop.

- Sure Phi.

In the middle of their interaction, Gulf’s phone had gone off.

- Oh! It’s Poom.

Mew had wondered who the hell was Poom.

- Hi Poom! What’s up? - Gulf answered with a smile on his face.

Something ugly had twisted Mew’s guts. That kind of smile should be just for him.

- Yeah - Gulf had continued smiling brighter - Yes, I know. Thanks. Ok, talk later. Bye.

- So… Who’s Poom? - Mew had asked nonchalantly after Gulf had hung up.

- Oh! She’s my ex - Gulf had said, oblivious of Mew’s mood change.

- Hmm - Mew had hummed - You still in touch with her?

- Yes. We’ve been friends for so many years, even before we got together.

Mew’s mood had turned dark after hearing him talk about her so fondly.

Mew knew he was being ridiculous. There was no reason why he should feel so upset over the fact that Gulf was still in touch with his ex-girlfriend.

Dude, just spell the words. You’re J.E.A.L.O.U.S

What?! I’m not jealous. Why should I be? Gulf and I are nothing.

Yeah… sure… and blue elephants exist.

Of course, he wasn’t jealous. Being jealous would mean he felt possessive over Gulf, which he didn’t. Possessiveness was a stupid and irrational feeling. Mew knew better than that.

- We need to start filming - P’Tee said while approaching him - Have you practiced your lines yet?

- I’m ready to go Phi.

- Ok… let me find Gulf.

The filming went terrible. Gulf kept making mistakes and messing up his lines. It was obvious he was feeling upset and frustrated. They could get the scene right and were wasting everyone’s time and effort.

- Cut, khrub - Tee said after several failed takes - Let’s take ten minutes. N’Gulf, please read your lines again, na?

- Khrub Phi - Gulf said quietly.

Gulf moved once again to the bench he had been sitting on and took out his script.

- Are you guys bickering again? - Mew heard Boat say while standing beside him.

- No - Mew said dryly - What makes you think that?

- Oh, I don’t know - Boat took his hand on his chin - How about the fact that you guys aren’t glued to each other. Or that you haven’t practiced your lines with him. Or that you have a permanent frown on your face since this morning. Dude, your eyebrows are gonna get stuck together if you keep frowning like that.

Mew looked at his young friend. Was he that obvious?

Of course I’m obvious.

Mew stared at Gulf once again, sitting on the bench looking dejected.

I should really grow up.

Moving forward to where Gulf was sitting, Mew sat beside him and took his script.

- Come on, let’s practice the scene.

Gulf looked at him, like waiting for him to say something. When he didn’t get what he was looking for, his eyes clouded with disappointment.

- Khrub Phi - he said looking down.

Sometimes… I’m such an asshole. I hate that about myself.

--------------------------**-------------------------

POV Gulf

Gulf had never felt so frustrated in his life.

He was a mess filming that day and hadn’t got the time to talk to Mew.

He needed to know what he could have possibly done to make Mew act that way with him. Gulf thought and thought, but nothing came to his mind.

After they took a break, he was finally able to make a good take with Mew. Gulf had felt somehow ashamed because he was making everyone’s work difficult.

- It’s ok N’Gulf - Tee had said to him after they finished - Everyone has bad days. We got the scene, and that’s enough.

Even though Tee didn’t seem upset with him, Gulf had profusely apologized to him and the crew for his mistakes.

Now he was decided to confront Mew.

He’s going to tell me what got his panties in a twist even if I had to tie him down and tickle him until he tells me.

Ohhh… kinky.

Shut up Type!

Gulf directed himself the little van the crew had taken along for them to change clothes. Mew was getting in when Gulf arrived. Gulf put his hands on Mew’s back and pushed him inside the van.

- Alai…?! - Mew said while trying to turn around.

- Keep moving P’Mew - Gulf said while entering the van and closing the door. He then proceeded to put the lock-in.

- Gulf… - Mew said nervous - You’re kind of scaring me.

- Am I? Good. Because now you’re going to tell me what the hell is your problem.

Mew looked taken aback by his bluntness.

- Problem? - he said - I don’t any problem Gulf.

- Stop lying. You’ve been avoiding talking to me for two days. And I’m sick of it. What was the reason this time, huh?

Mew looked down at his words. He seemed lost for words. His eyes moved from the seat to the ceiling, anywhere but Gulf.

Gulf disappointment turned into anger.

- Fine. Be a child then. Talk to you later. Or not.

Gulf moved to the door and was preparing to get out when he heard Mew’s outburst at his back.

- I’m jealous!

Alai the fuck wa?

Gulf slowly turned around and looked at Mew’s eyes.

- What? - he asked.

- I’m jealous, ok? Are you happy now?

Gulf shook his head trying to find some sense in that statement.

Jealous? Jealous of what?

- Wha… Who… Huh? Jealous? Why are you jealous?

Mew looked down, a little embarrassed. It was obvious he didn’t like feeling that way.

Gulf looked at his Phi, and made a decision. He moved to Mew’s seat, and sat on his lap, putting his knees on either side of his legs.

- Gulf! - Mew said surprised, putting his hands on Gulf’s waist.

- Now you can’t run away from me. You’ll have to look at me or break your neck.

Mew stared at Gulf for a moment, before he swallowed, trying to find the words. Gulf took his hands to Mew’s hair and started caressing him, trying to calm him down, trying to make him talk to him.

- P’Mew… - he said softly - What is it? Did I make you feel insecure somehow?

Mew looked forward, before putting his head on Gulf’s chest and hugging him tightly.

- Phi… we talked about this. You have to tell me when you’re upset. You know how slow and oblivious I’m for this kind of thing. Talk to me, please - Gulf kissed the top of Mew’s hair, while he was still hidden on his chest.

- I’m jealous of your ex - Mew’s muffled words came to Gulf, then he pulled back a little to look at Gulf’s face - I know I shouldn’t be. I told myself I have no right to be jealous of you. I know it's not fair to you. But there, I’ve said it. I’m jealous.

- What? Of Poom? Why?

- Because you smile so freaking cutely while talking to her - Mew said chewing out the words - I don’t like it - he finished pouting.

Gulf heard that surprised and then he, out of the sudden, started laughing.

- Aow! - Mew said, kind of offended - I’m being serious.

- I know Phi. But… that smile on my face was… because I was talking about you.

- Huh?

- Hi Poom! What’s up? - Gulf answered.

“Hi, Gulf! Where are you? Are you with Mew?”

- Yeah

“Oh… you’re so whipped. You spend more time with him than with your family”

- Yes, I know - Gulf had said while looking at Mew’s face.

“I love to see you in love. It’s refreshing”

- Thanks - Gulf liked feeling in love too.

“Anyway, I’m not gonna interrupt your time with him any longer. I’ll call you later”

- Ok, talk later.

“Bye bye”

- Bye.

- Oh fuck me - Mew muttered while hiding his face on Gulf’s chest once again.

- Hahaha, P’Mew~ - Gulf said, as he tried to make Mew look at him again - P’Mew, khrub~

- Don’t look at me.

- I think it’s cute, na, P’Mew. You were jealous of me - Gulf was on cloud nine - That means you have feelings for me.

Mew looked up at Gulf once again.

- It was never about whether I have feelings for you or not, Gulf. It’s about whether I’m prepared to deal with them or not.

Gulf took Mew’s face in his hands.

- I’m prepared to deal with what it takes to be with you.

- I know. I know it here - Mew said as he guided Gulf’s hand to his heart - But here - he pointed his head - still needs some catching up. I’ll get there at some point.

Gulf moved down and kissed Mew’s forehead.

- You don’t ever have to feel jealous of me, P’Mew.

- Why?

- Because everything I’m and have been, is only yours.

Mew hugged him, once again tight, like afraid Gulf might vanish in front of his eyes.

I’ve been yours since the first time I saw you. You just don’t know it.

Chapter Text

POV Gulf

They were currently having a break from filming.

MAME wanted them to rest fo the rest of the week. Maybe do some homework about the characters but nothing too stressful. Mew still needed to attend his classes. Gulf had taken some of his time off to gather with his friends and play football.

But that didn’t mean they didn’t saw each other at that time.

They called and talked almost every day. Gulf went to visit Mew’s condo a couple of times, and spent the afternoons with Mew. He knew Mew was tired and busy, but every time he tried to leave him alone and give him some space, Mew would call back saying that he needed to distress.

The fact that Mew talking to him was a relief method for him made Gulf extremely happy.

Gulf was positive about his relationship with Mew. He thought he was moving forward, little by little. It was taking time, but the things that were worth it usually do. Gulf was willing to wait until Mew felt the same way he did.

The only thing he didn’t like about their current status was the fact that he didn’t have the right to do a lot of things. Like asking Mew about things he didn’t want to share. Or telling him that he would help him no matter the cost when he felt like having a panic attack.

They were friends (kind of?), and Mew was a very private and closed person.

And Gulf always wanted to fix problems that weren’t his to fix in the first place.

Gulf was the type of person that sometimes wouldn’t know when he is crossing the line. He would get so into trying to help someone, the wouldn’t realize he is making the other person uncomfortable. Gulf was a problem-fixer, even when people didn’t want the problem fixed.

He was trying to change that with Mew. He needed to be cautious with him because he could lose all the progress he had made over the last weeks.

- Do you think Tharn would have left Type? - Gulf asked while they were having lunch in a coffee shop.

- When Type left to be with Puifai, you say?

- Yes. He said later that he was going to break things off with Type.

- Hmmm - Mew hummed as he thought - Tharn was feeling tired and hurt I guess. At that point in the story, Tharn was already in love with Type. He knew why Type was doing what he was doing. I guess he felt that, if being with him would make him feel scared, and he needed some sense of ‘normalcy” in his life, then it was better to let him go. Even if that broke his heart.

Gulf thought about it. It was difficult to put himself in Type’s shoes because he had never experienced such a big trauma.

Traumas were really difficult to explain. Everyone reacted differently to it. Some had PTSD, some had nightmares, some would be scared for the rest of their life… and some would become angry and bitter.

Gulf guessed Type belonged to the last group.

The screams, punches, and slurs were just a way to protect himself. Because he was scared.

- I guess Type wanted to prove to himself that he was “normal” - Gulf said - He became overly attached to Tharn without even realizing, and that scared him.

- But he hurt Tharn on purpose.

- Sometimes that’s the only way we got to protect ourselves from being hurt - Gulf looked at Mew’s face.

After all, Mew was that way too.

Gulf understood that. Mew was scared. Because of his past. But Gulf just needed him to give him a chance. A chance to prove that he would never do a thing like that to him.

- Yeah… well - Mew coughed - Let’s wrap it up here and go to the condo. What movie do you want to see?

- Any movie is ok Phi, I just want to spend time with you - Gulf said smiling.

Mew turned red at that and got up from the table.

- Umm, I’m going to the bathroom for a moment.

- Khrub, Phi.

Mew moved in the bathroom’s direction, leaving a giggly Gulf waiting for him at the table.

As he was waiting for Mew to come out, Gulf looked at the phone Mew had left on the table. It was vibrating. A call was coming in.

Gulf moved a little forward and looked at the name on the screen.

Jom calling…

Gulf sat straight again on his seat.

Jom… isn’t that… Mew’s sister?

Gulf remembered about an article he read some time ago talking about Mew’s family. He had a little sister named Jom.

I’m sure he’ll call her when he gets out of the bathroom.

Five minutes after the call ended, a message came in. Gulf once again looked at the screen.

Jom

P’Mew, I’m in Bangkok. Won’t you come to see me? I wanna talk to you. Please.

Gulf felt a little guilty about having read the message, but he thought the tone his sister had used was a little odd.

Mew came out of the bathroom at that moment at looked at Gulf.

- Should we go now? I already paid the check.

- Phi! I told you I had this one - Gulf whined.

- You need to be faster next time - Mew smile at him.

- By the way, someone was calling you - Gulf said nonchalant, waiting to see Mew reaction.

- Really? - Mew looked surprised.

Mew took his phone and looked at the screen. His smile disappeared when he saw who called him. Then he locked his phone and put a hand on his lower back.

- Let’s go, na? - Mew said.

- Aren’t you gonna call back?

- Later. Let’s get going.

Gulf felt all the situation kind of odd, but once again, he wasn’t in any position to ask. He was just Mew’s friend.

-------------------------------**---------------------------

POV Mew

- P’Mew… I love you - Gulf said while looking at his eyes.

Mew’s heart felt warm at those words. Gulf had never told him directly how he felt. It was a beautiful and scary feeling.

- But I can’t be with you.

- What?

Gulf vanished from in front of him, just to appear a few meters away from him, holding a woman’s hand.

- It’s too much trouble to be with you. Being with a man wasn’t what I thought it would be.

- Gulf… wha-

- Why be with you when I can be with a beautiful woman?

Mew’s heart dropped like a stone.

- But you told me…

- You shouldn’t believe all of what people say. I’m too young to be chained by you. Bye Phi.

--------------------**--------------------

-NO! - Mew got up from his bed breathing heavily.

He took his hands to his hair, trying to calm down.

What has just happened?

With blurry eyes, Mew looked around and saw the familiar forms of his bedroom.

A nightmare.

He lay down once again, trying to catch his breath. It was the first time he had a nightmare not involving HIM.

But for some reason, now Gulf was the center of his nightmares and fears.

He had been restless since filming episode five and part of episode six. Gulf had to do quite a few scenes with N’Eye, and that made him feel upset. He could see them together. They looked good together.

Then, Mew had started to be obsessed with the fact that Gulf would be so much better with a pretty girl like Eye. Society was a bitch regarding sexuality that they didn’t categorize as “normal”. His life would be so much easier. He was already going to get shit because he was in a BL show, but if he was caught actually being in a relationship with a man…

He would be in hell.

Just like I was a few months ago.

Mew didn’t want that. Less to someone he cared so much about like Gulf.

Mew got his glasses from the bedside table and went to his kitchen, trying to do some tea to help him fall asleep again. With the nightmare still fresh in his head, Mew sighed thinking it was going to be a long night.

As he was finishing doing his calming tea, his front door opened.

Mew got suddenly scared.

Who is here at this hour?

Only a few people knew the code to his door. Cautiously, Mew moved to his front door, only to see a wobbly Gulf standing there.

- Gulf!

He was wearing a dress shirt with black jeans. He looked so handsome.

Gulf looked up when he heard the call, and smiled.

- Phiiiii~ - he laughed a little “hehe” before moving forward to him.

Only he seemed like he couldn’t coordinate his movements and ended up tripping on his own feet.

Mew moved quickly to catch him. When he had him in his arms he whispered:

- What is this? - he moved them enough for him to see Gulf’s red face - Are you drunk?

Gulf just giggled with his eyes closed.

- A tiny tiny bit - while lifting his hand, showing Mew how much he had drunk.

- Oh my god.

- My friends invited me to a gathering, and as tomorrow we don’t have a schedule, I thought it wasn’t bad to drink a little.

- A little? - Mew said sarcastically.

- Phi~ - Gulf said as he put his head on Mew’s shoulder - The room is spinning.

Mew, worried, started taking Gulf to his bedroom.

- This is unbelievable - Mew muted.

After he finally got his Nong on the bed, he then proceeded to take off his shoes and socks.

- Are you undressing me Phi? - Gulf said without opening his eyes.

- I’m just leaving you in boxers.

- P’Mew is finally taking my clothes off, and I’m drunk.

- Gulf!

- What? It’s true. I won't probably remember anything tomorrow, what a shame.

Mew looked at Gulf once again.

- I’m gonna find a cloth to clean you up.

After finishing and making sure Gulf was clean and comfortable, Mew got into bed next to him.

Gulf was breathing slowly.

Mew took one of his hands to Gulf’s cheek and caressed him with his thumb.

I’m prepared to deal with what it takes to be with you”

Was he? Being with Mew took a lot of effort. He was clingy, and dependant, jealous, and had a bad temper when mad. Plus, he was older than him and a guy.

What could he possibly offer to such a sweet man?

A tear escaped Mew’s eyes. He wanted him. He wanted Gulf. He wanted that sweetness. He wanted those eyes that only looked at him. He wanted that smile and those little “hehe”s he’d do.

Mew tried to muffle a sob.

- Are you crying P’Mew?

Mew looked up, just to see a sleepy pair of eyes watching him.

- Come here - Gulf said while opening his arms.

Mew gave up and let the young man hug him. He put his head on Gulf’s chest and listened to his heartbeat.

- I don’t know what to do, Gulf - Mew whispered - I’m so scared.

- I’ll always be here when you feel scared Phi. Let me be your safe haven.

- Do you want to be my safe haven?

- I want to be your everything… just like you’re mine.

“You can’t be my everything P’Mew! You can’t be the center of my world! I’m too young to commit to that!”

Mew once again thought about how different they were. Gulf wasn’t like HIM at all.

Mew once again hugged him tight… praying for something.

Praying for Gulf to remember their talk… and praying for him to forget it.

Chapter Text

POV Mew

Mew was on a blanket in the workshop, checking his phone. Lay down with his head on Mew’s stomach was Gulf, taking a quick nap before practice started. Mew looked down at the young man and thought about the night he came drunk to his condo.

Mew had been vulnerable for the first time in a long time in front of someone, and that someone…

Didn’t remember it.

Mew didn’t know how to feel about that. He was half disappointed half relieved.

Taking a hand to Gulf’s hair, he started caressing him. Gulf rustled a little before settling down with a little snore once again.

- Morning P’Mew - Gulf had said coming out of the bedroom to the kitchen, where Mew was preparing breakfast.

- Morning Gulf.

Gulf had entered the kitchen and had sat down in one of the chairs.

- How did I get here? Did you pick me up? - Gulf had looked confused.

- No - Mew had answered - You came by yourself.

Gulf had looked surprised at that, and slightly embarrassed.

- Sorry, na, P’Mew. I didn’t mean to disturb you.

- It’s ok Nong. I prefer you come to this house when drunk than taking a cab or something in the middle of the night - Mew had stared at Gulf intensively - But next time just phone me to pick you up. I’ll take my car and go to you.

- I didn’t want to be a burden Phi - Gulf didn’t look him in the eye - I was supposed to go home, but somehow I ended up here… - he had suddenly seemed to remember something - Home! I didn’t call mom!

Gulf moved to get up, but Mew took his hand.

- I talked to Khun Mae and told her you were staying here - he had explained calmly.

Gulf had seemed a little relieved.

Mew looked at his tired Nong. He really didn’t remember anything from the night before? Not their conversation? Nothing?

- Gulf - Mew had started saying - Do you… remember something?

- Not really - Gulf had said sheepishly - When I drink I usually forget things. Why? Did I do something yesterday? Did I offend you somehow?

Mew looked at Gulf’s anxious face. He didn’t remember. Mew felt kind of empty at that thought.

- You didn’t do anything Nong. Pretty much fell asleep when I put you on the bed.

Gulf inability to remember their little conversation that night, made Mew feel a little restless. But at the same time, he felt relieved. He wasn’t ready to deal with the consequences of what he said.

Filming the first part of episode 6 had been a little eye-opening to him.

“I can fall in love or flirt with anyone. It’s my life. You have no right to stop me. You don’t own me”

Somehow, Type’s words really got to him. In their actual status, Mew had no right to do nothing regarding Gulf’s life. He could get jealous, or possessive, but he couldn’t do a thing about it.

Gulf said he wanted to be with him, but Mew didn’t think he was being serious.

I mean… how serious a 21 year old kid can be?

Gulf was starting his life and his career. He had so much to live and experiment before settling down. Mew, on the other hand, was bored with excitement already. He wanted stability. He wanted someone to talk when he was feeling down. Someone to share his victories with. Someone that loved him like no one else.

He wanted to be somebody’s whole world.

Mew knew he was emotionally demanding when in a relationship. A lot of the fault came because of hard-working parents. Mew loved them, but when he was a child, they were barely there. They worked hard to be able to provide for him and his sister, and Mew was beyond thankful for that. He just wished… they had been around a little more.

His grandmother had been everything to him. She took care of him while his parents worked. She had tried to fill that hole inside of him that asked for love and care. But it wasn’t the same after all. A parent's love is always important for a child. But Mew had adored his grandma anyways. She had always told him that she wanted to see him graduated from college.

He and his sister had been really close while growing up, as they had only had each other as a companion. Now… they barely talk to each other.

Mew had never had a long-term romantic relationship with anyone. Not a girl… not a guy. He was always busy. Busy trying to make his dreams come true. Busy trying to make his grandmother’s dream come true. It was difficult to sustain a relationship when you barely have time to properly sleep.

The only exception… had been HIM.

Yeah… and that came out so well, didn’t it?

Why would he even try again with Gulf?

His heart beats started to quicken really fast.

No, no, no, no! I can’t have a panic attack here!

Mew tried to moved Gulf off him, so he could get to the bathroom. His breathing was starting to get erratic, as he felt the first signs of an attack.

Gulf moved a little to his side and mumbled:

- Phi? What’s wrong? Do we have to film? - then he hugged Mew’s middle - Let’s cuddle five more minutes - and then he immediately fell asleep again while pressing his face to Mew’s neck.

Mew watched the top of Gulf’s head in his chest and realized… the panic attack had retreated.

He once again caressed Gulf’s soft hair.

What is it in you… that makes me feel so at ease?

Gulf hugged him tighter in his sleep.

“Let me be your safe haven”

Gulf really was. Somehow he had managed to get inside his heart. It was a matter of if Mew was willing to let him stay there.

-----------------------**----------------------

Mew was on the ride to Pagan Island trying to help Run do a vlog of the trip.

They were going to the island to film part of episode seven and the scenes from the special chapter. They were going to stay at a resort for two nights.

Yaaaay… can’t wait.

He was going to sleep next to Gulf two nights in a row. It wasn’t that big of a deal to him, as Gulf usually slept at his condo, but at that moment Mew was having a big internal battle.

What to do?

He needed to make a decision about Gulf’s confession. It wasn’t fair to keep him waiting for him to get his shit together. But there was so much he needed to take into consideration, he needed to think.

So he was taking a moment away from Gulf. He needed to be alone for a while. That said, was the reason why Gulf was traveling in the back of the van alone, sleeping with his pillow and blue blanket.

- Are you mad at me Phi? - Gulf had asked before leaving for the island.

- No… why?

- I don’t know, you seem… odd.

- I’m ok Nong. Nothing is wrong. I’m just… thinking. I need to think for a bit. About… a lot of stuff. I need some time by myself.

- Oh - somehow Gulf had seemed to understand - Khrub, Phi. Tell me then, when we can talk again.

Gulf didn’t seem sad or disappointed by his request. Just understanding. Mew never knew someone that could understand him so easily. It was kind of weird.

When they finally got to the island, Mew saw Gulf getting out of the van a little wobbly. He looked at him worried, seeing how pale Gulf’s face was. Mew wanted to go and ask him if he was ok, but he reconsidered. He had just asked Gulf some time for himself, he should just stick to his plan and go on.

Mew saw P’Best move to where Gulf was standing and give him something that looked like a pill.

Was Gulf sick?

Mew threw his plans out the window and went to where Gulf was.

- Gulf - he said when he got to him - are you ok?

Gulf looked up, surprised, and softly said:

- I’m ok Phi. I just got a little sick because of the movement. I don’t do road trips so well. I took a pill for travel sickness so I’m going to sleep for a while - he stopped his rambling and looked at Mew in the eye - Take this time to do your thinking P’Mew. I’ll be waiting.

Mew didn’t know what to say at that, so he just nodded.

A little unstable on his feet, Gulf went inside the resort. Presumably, he was going to ask MAME about their room.

After that, Mew went to take a walk around the beach. He loved the beach. The smell of the ocean was one he truly loved. It reminded him about the few times in his childhood when his all family was together. Those times when his parents took vacations and they went to the beach and played and enjoyed all day long.

Good times.

Mew missed being a kid. Fewer problems. Less stress.  

As he watched several couples walking at the beach, Mew thought what it would be like to be with Gulf that way. But then he realized… he would never be able to be with Gulf that way.

They were public figures. Mew, for good or bad, was kind of known in the country and he was sure Gulf would be too when TharnType was finally on air. Even though fans really liked to ship actors, things were different when they were actually in a romantic relationship. Society wasn’t that accepting, not yet. He of all people should know.

Besides that, Mew came with a lot of baggage. His panic attacks, his insecurities, his fears… his inability to trust again. He couldn’t throw all that to Gulf. He could inadvertently hurt Gulf. He had done it before. He could do it again.

Gulf was too young to commit to what Mew needed. He would be so much better with a nice girl.

Not with him.

-------------------------**------------------------

- Why are you even here? - N’Kaprao said to Mew.

They were at the Full Moon Party, waiting to film the scene with the foreigner. Mew had actually talked to him, wasn’t a bad guy at all.

Kaprao had been giving him shit for even being there. Mew wasn’t supposed to be there, as Tharn didn’t have any scene to do until the next day. But Run had sent him a rather cryptic message, that had made him go to the set.

Run:

You might want to come and collect your wife.

Mew had stared at the message confused, but had actually come. He hasn’t seen Gulf yet since that morning, but some people from the staff had told him that he was feeling better after he took a nap.

- I’m here because Run told me to come.

- Yeah… sure - Kaprao looked at him, skeptic.

- I told you, I…

Mew words were cut off as he saw Gulf come from a little room behind the set.

Oh… shit.

He was wearing some ripped blue jeans and a white shirt. The problem was, the shirt exposed more than it hid. Mew could see Gulf’s chest, painted with some fluorescent paint. He looked like lust in a bottle.

He looked sexy. He didn’t know sexy Gulf. Not like that.

- What are you looking at? - Gulf said while looking at Mew’s wide eyes.

- Chest… I mean…! Not your chest! But why is your chest…? - Mew tried to make sense but he obviously didn’t make it.

Gulf started to smile at Mew’s red face.

- Do you like my look?

Mew took a moment to really see Gulf’s outfit.

- Do you have to show that much?

- Ohhhh… hubby is getting angry!! - Kaprao screamed.

- Shut up Nong! - Mew said to him while Gulf laughed.

- The staff said I need to look inviting. So they made this outfit for me.

- I should paint my name somewhere… - Mew mumbled.

Gulf sent him a flirty look.

- After we are done with the scene I’ll let you paint wherever you want - and then he turned around and went to Tee.

Mew looked at him, not believing what Gulf just said.

- I guess you’re getting lucky tonight - Kaprao mocked.

A little ping of sadness hit Mew in his heart. He had made a decision.

- I don’t think so Nong.

----------------------**--------------------

- What are we doing here Phi? - Gulf asked him.

After Gulf finished his scenes and removed all the paint from his body, Mew had asked him to go to the beach with him. The place was quiet, not a soul could be seen. The sound of the waves hitting the shore wasn’t of any consolation for Mew for the first time.

Maybe he made a mistake, doing this at the beach. He would remember this moment with sadness, every time he was at the beach. The place no longer will be a fun and comforting place to Mew.

- I wanted to talk to you, alone.

Gulf seemed resigned like he knew what Mew was going to say.

- Are you sure you want to do this here? - Gulf said while looking at the sea, pensive - I know how much you like the beach.

How did Gulf manage to be so in sync with him?

- I can’t be with you - Mew suddenly said, like wanting to get that out of the way before he regretted it.

Gulf turned his stare back at Mew’s face, looking sad.

- Why?

- Huh? - Mew said.

- Why can’t you be with me?

Mew hadn’t actually expected him to ask for reasons. Mew had wanted to do this as painless as he could.

For both of them.

- You’re too young Nong. You should experiment before deciding to settle down. I’m not as young as you. I want stability.

- Don’t make this an age issue. I might be young, but I’m not stupid. Turning my feelings into a number is offensive. I know what I want. I’m an introvert person and I don’t like excitement. I like things to be boring and stable - Gulf said calmly.

- But you don’t know a lot of things Gulf. You’ve never been with a man before. It’s not as beautiful as everyone makes it look like. You would be a lot better with a nice girl.

- Why? What’s the difference between being with a man or a woman? I want you because you are you. Not because you’re a man.

Mew was starting to get agitated. Nothing he said would make Gulf take a step back.

- What do you want me to say? - Mew said, with a trembling voice.

- The truth. You’re rejecting me. You owe me at least the true reason.

- I’m scared! - Mew finally exploded - There you go! I’m freaking terrified! I can’t deal with a relationship now, I don’t think I’ll ever will! I care about you Gulf, I swear I do. But I can’t deal with this.

Gulf’s eyes seemed to water, but Mew was way too far away from him to see.

- You’re not the only one that’s scared. I’m not as brave as you think. But I’m willing to take the risk. You should never let the fear of missing a shot keep you from playing the match - Gulf looked down, trying to recompose himself - I’ll do as you wish Phi. Just give me until tomorrow to adjust. I promise you, tomorrow everything will be the same. We will stay as brothers and will finish this series. But please, don’t cast me out of your life. I will rather be there as a brother than not be there at all.

With that said, Gulf quickly turned around and started walking back to the resort.

Mew had been frozen, listening to Gulf’s final words. But only a phrase stayed with him.

“You should never let the fear of missing a shot keep you from playing the match”

Where have I heard that before?

Mew quickly took his phone out of his back pocket and opened Twitter. With trembling hands, he opened the bookmark section. He had countless tweets he had saved from a particular account.

“Good morning Phi! I hope you have a great day!”

“How are you today? I hope everything is ok”

“I know things might be difficult right now, but su su! I’m always here for you”

“Another bad audition? Don’t worry Phi! Next one will be better”

“Are you tired? Please go get some rest”

“Today you looked amazing Phi!”

“You’re so talented!! Don’t give up”

Mew looked for a tweet that account had sent him on a really bad day. It was right after the scandal.

“I know things must be bad right now Phi, but please don’t give up. Your talent will be wasted if you just stop doing what you love. You’re not alone. You have us. You have me. Don’t let the fear of missing a shot keep you from playing the match”

Mew looked at the name of the account.

GBall97.

It can’t be.

There was no way that account belonged to Gulf.

Mew started running back to the resort. He needed to know. He wanted to know if that person that stood by him at far when he was at his lowest was him.

Mew got to their room and came in without knocking.

Gulf was sitting on the edge of his bed, his head down. He looked startled when Mew came in. His face was covered in tears and snot and his eyes were puffy and red.

- Phi… - he said.

- Was it you?

- Huh? - Gulf said confused.

Mew moved to where Gulf was sitting and kneel in front of him.

- On Twitter, was it you?

Gulf opened his eyes as his face started to turn red.

- Eh… I…

- GBall97, is that you?

- I…

- Please Gulf… just tell me.

Gulf eyes went everywhere but where Mew was kneeling. More tears came out of his eyes as he whispered.

- I have loved you for years now Phi. This is not a crush. At first, it was. Just a big fascination for a handsome actor. But then I got to see you. You’re such a ray of sunshine P’Mew. Your smile, your laugh, your cuteness… I love everything about you. I tried my best to just be supportive from afar, but my feelings grew too fast. I became greedy. I became selfish. The day when TharnType’s audition results came out was the best day of my life. Kissing you was a dream come true. Hugging you like I always wanted, more after the scandal, was the best thing that could have happened to me. I know you’re scared Phi. I know that. I know why. I know you need to feel safe again, a peace I took away with my selfishness. I will give you that Phi… I just need a little time…

In the end a sob came free from Gulf’s mouth.

Mew took his body and dragged him to his. He hugged his Nong tight, as tight as he could.

How could he have thought his feelings were fleeting? The extension of Gulf’s feelings for him was bigger than he could have expected.

Mew had never been loved so profoundly.

Gulf was ugly crying at that point. Big sobs and hard breaths came out of him.

Mew felt all the walls that surrounded his heart crumble into pieces.

This is what he had been looking for.

Everything he had wanted came to him… in the form of a cute guy. A guy that understood him. A guy that made him feel complete. A guy that gave him peace. A guy that filled the hole he has always had in his chest.

Mew took Gulf’s face in his hands, trying to wipe the tears off his face. His Nong was a mess. Mew had hurt him again.

Never again.

Mew kissed him softly. He kissed those beautiful chestnut lips, pouring all the feelings he had inside of him. He pulled away slowly, looking at those wet eyes.

- I love you too Gulf.