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Rain on me

Chapter 10: Light

Summary:

She is finally willing to see.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

If you cannot give him your heart, don’t give him hope. Lady Oh had said. She did not understand it then, as she had not understood many other things. She still did not, Soo confessed to herself. Like how she couldn’t rise to follow the Eighth Prince to the entrance to see him off, how she couldn’t return his parting smile - or promise that she will indeed write to him.

She wants to. And she hates herself for that. She does not understand why.

It had disappointed Wook, she could see it in the diminishing gleam of his eyes, the slight falter of his smile. But he squeezes her hand one last time, warmly, understandingly and she can’t breathe until he lets it drop.

My heart goes with you. He says and he expects it to give her strength to be a traitor. His heart seems to do nothing else but burden her.

What am I to you? She wants to ask, watching the view of his retreating back that is starting to get devastatingly familiar. To push away and pull closer so easily - so confusingly. What is the purpose of this visit - is it to see me - or is it something else? 

Their equation had changed. She would be a fool not to see that. He may promise her the world but it would come at a price. Soo stands up on shaky legs, gripping the rough edge of the table for support. She prays not to learn what the price is - but the answer hooves somewhere at the brink of her subconscious.

“It comes down to what you are willing to do for love - Unnie!” The friend that had betrayed her in a different world had said, shaking her head as if she was all knowledgeable about romance. Her grip tightens, painfully so. Tell me what happens in Jin. He hoped she would be willing to, in the name of love, willing to betray the man who saved her life - in his own twisted way.

Was she willing to do that for love?

What was she turning into?  

Rain hums the first few notes on the strings of wind and shame hangs over her like a dark cloud. It had taken her so long to notice the line she had drawn on her own - the line between them that dares her to cross it and reach him. Wang So leans against one of the wooden beams, watching the rain drop with a morose expression. There is no pleasure lighting up his eyes at the sight of it, no peace upon his taut jaw and the vulnerability that he had exposed before her once is firmly hidden behind the shell of hard wrought metal. She said she regretted it all - she recalls with flinching bitterness.Words are water slipping through gaps of her fingers, lost to her control forever. But the hurt remains, a stain, a bruise, a crack un - amendable. The man who had allowed her to unmask him, touch the burden weighing upon his soul, is masked once more. He has his back to her, shoulders braced, arms folded tensed as if he waits an attack, as if he waits for her to hurt him again.

He believes she would. Wook believes she could. Lady Oh had hoped she wouldn’t and Soo did not know if she will. She hopes she wouldn’t. She hopes - she prays - it wouldn’t come to that.

“Did you see Chae Ryung?” He asks suddenly, his tone flat.

“Yes, she is settling in. Thank you - your highness.” Her voice shakes, falters when she wishes it doesn’t and he stiffens before turning to meet her eye. “Thank you your highness,” she repeats, steeling herself to meet his gaze that seem to gauge her. “Her presence is a comfort.”

He nods stiffly after a moment, trying but failing to remain indifferent. She wishes he comes away from that threshold, where the rain sprinkles its dew upon him - the chill itself seems torturous, without additional water to damage his wound.

“Did Wook mention -” So flexes his jaw, bracing himself for something bitter. “There is a rumor - that I -” he clears his throat awkwardly. “I did not dishonor you in anyway while you were indisposed, Soo - yah. You must know that I -”

“I know. I remember.”

Stress leaves him in an exhale and his shoulders droop. Something warm swells within her, edging her to reach out. Soo clenches her fists to resist it.

“I would have told the same had his highness asked, he did not.”

If you cannot give him your heart, don’t give him hope. The ghost of her mentor continue to resonate in her head. Soo swallows.

“Even if I did not remember, I wouldn’t believe that of you - your highness.”

“You don’t have to call me that,” his voice is softer than the rain pelting his shoulders, his expression obscured. But she hears the longing as if it rings in her ears and makes her throat tight. “You are my wife, my rank is yours.”

She blinks and drops her eyes, steeling herself to utter the next words.

“I am not your wife - Your Highness.”

An edict can be annulled. Anything can be done, if there is sufficient power. If you are willing to …if I …

“Soo - yah,” he calls out softly. His sword hardened palm brushes against her cheek, bringing to her attention the tears that fell unknowingly. “Has something happened?” His fingers curl around her chin, forcing her to meet his searching eyes. “Is it Wook? What has he done?”

It overwhelms her how easily he reaches out to sooth her, shield her when he believes she had been hurt. And she had almost considered betraying him.

“Wangjanim - is it possible for me to be a free woman again?” She phrases it cautiously, dropping edict and annul and power out of her equation. Her heart twists painfully once but she presses upon it. She must know, must hear the truth of promises that were made. His hand falls away and he doesn’t meet her eye. “Is it?”

“Is that what you want?” She barely hears him over the patter of rain. But she reads the hurt too well. “Is it that hurtful to be -”

“No!” She protests in haste. “If someone says I can - would he be lying? That is what I need to know.”

A long pause ensures and she has to peek up at his expression. There is tension in his clenched jaw, a faint frown between his brows.

“Did Wook promise you that?” He asks carefully, choosing his words as cautiously as she had done before. She cannot see what it means to him. He doesn’t allow her such liberties anymore. “And what are you to do in exchange?”

“He wants me to write to him.”

The words leave her mouth with the burden Wook had left upon her conscious. Soo breathes through her open mouth, grateful that she no longer tastes betrayal in her mouth. He has turned away from her, staring back into the rain, now falling at earnest. She could no longer read him.

Soo waits a moment longer hoping that he would speak to her. He doesn’t and her heart begins to clench painfully. Does he think she would have taken up on that offer - does he believe her capable of betraying him? She would have - she acknowledges halfheartedly. But it doesn’t lessen the pain. She takes a step backwards - perhaps she should not have told him that -

“Why,” his abrupt voice halts her. “Why are you telling me this?”

“He changed.”

“Hmm?”

“The Eighth Prince is not the man I believed he was. I -” she has to clench her fist to bring the words to her mouth. “I’ve been wrong again.”
He turns to her now, curiously but she doesn’t see as she never raises her head to meet his gaze.

“I tried to cling to my belief because accepting that I was wrong about him would mean that I have misjudged again. That no matter where or when I’m always wrong in choosing who to trust - to love.

She inhales sharply and decides to push through, vent it all even if he is not replying.

“It was okay when I was losing money - it hurt less somehow. Now my mistakes cost in lives. And I’ve been wrong again. I’m responsible for Lady Oh’s death. I might have a hand in Unnie’s broken heart. Why I’m telling you this is because I don’t want your death on my hands Wangjanim - even if you hate me after this.”

“It will make you a free woman. My death.” He says slowly.

She shakes her head slowly.

“His highness is wrong to think I’d want such freedom. Your highness is my friend. Lady Oh was my mentor. I wouldn’t have wished so hard to stay alive if I knew she would die in my place. She - she told me not to trust him. Not to wait for him. She wanted me to leave the palace with her. I - I’m such a fool aren’t I?” She adds the last words when she realizes how similar they are - the fourth prince and lady Oh. Both of them cared for her when she does not deserve it.

He watches her still, unmoving and silent.

“What?” She asks, stopping to angrily dab at those stinging tears.

“I want to hold you will you allow me?” He says uncertainly.

She blinks up at him bewildered. So reaches to wrap his arms around her, loosely, in a barely there embrace. His mouth presses against her temple, chastely. It is she who borrows into the warmth of his chest, trying but failing to hold back tears.

“You are allowed,” she mumbles. It fills him with a warmth that he tries hard to suppress, warn his heart not to feel again. He allows himself to press another kiss that she would never know into her hair, and holds her closer. “Won’t you say it?” Her words are muffled against his clothes.

“What?”

“That Lady Oh would not want me to grieve her death.”

Her words are greeted with silence and his hand runs soothingly down her spine.

“I do not know her well enough to judge that,” he says after a moment. “I cannot dictate your feelings either. You must have loved her, your grief is natural. But -” He pause causing her to look up at him. “Would you take my advice Soo - yah? Learn a lesson from her loss - if you must keep reminding yourself what you’ve lost, better make it a lesson.”

She says nothing. He had never spoken to her like that.

“You think I am a fool don’t you - your highness?”

“If you think you are repeatedly wrong - don’t you agree it is time to change that. Nobody can teach a person who does not know of their own ignorance. If you think you are a fool - you are at the best place to start learning.”

“And your highness wish to teach me?”

“Yes.”

**

 

 

Notes:

The official end of first half and the remains of the chapter before. I wanted this to be remarkable hence kept this part to be posted on its own.
Hope you find it enjoyable.
Thanks for reading.
From next chapter on wards we shall officially head towards Jin.