I woke the same way I normally do, slowly with blinking heavy eyes, and then all at once. Out of breath, drenched in sweat, images of the nightmare I'd managed to escape from still fresh in my mind. Taking in my surroundings, I was in Shouto’s room.. I felt myself relax slightly, comforted by the smell of his blankets and the overall serenity of his room. He must have put me here after my fit earlier… I really should apologize to him. It was still dark out, the light from the moon seeping in through the gaps of the closed curtains. Shouto wasn’t next to me, he must have had trouble falling asleep… he’s probably just in the living room. I slipped from the bed, flinching at the coldness of the floor.
I walked out into the hall, making my way towards the area of the living room. I didn’t bother putting my hearing aids in, it was just Sho and I here anyways. It was probably really late by now, i’m sure after I checked on him we would both just crawl back into bed. My dependence on him was no mystery to me, I know I was extremely needy. He was all I'd ever really had, though. He truly was the only person in the world who loved me the way that I was, other than Dadzaiwa of course.. And, well… maybe Kachaan.
When I reached the living room, he wasn’t in his normal seat. However, someone else occupied the space.
“K-kat?” I could feel the vibration of my voice in my throat, and I hoped it conveyed how confused I was. His head snapped up at my voice, and he smiled as he rose slowly from his seat on the sofa. My eyebrows furrowed together in question, “where is Sho?” I signed. He watched my hands intently, not quite as familiar with sign language as shouto and I were, but he could keep up in conversation and he did his best. That’s all that really mattered, really. I watched his lips carefully as he spoke along with his signs, “he left for work.. Didn’t want to wake you.. Back in a few days..” I felt tears prick behind my eyes at the news. He left, without even saying goodbye?
Kachaan noticed my impending breakdown and rushed forward to wrap his arms around me. I felt his warmth immediately surround me, completely consuming me. He was always warm, It was one of my favorite things about him. He smelt like burnt sugar and campfire smoke, comforting and overwhelming in all the best ways. His strong hands stroked gently across my back, fingers dancing up and down the ridges of my spine. He was close enough that I could tell he was talking, I just couldn’t quite make out what he was saying.. Either way, it was comforting.. And it almost worked to calm me completely, until I remembered why I was crying in the first place. Then I was crying harder than before. I felt him sigh, grip on me loosening before he pulled me back to arms length. Crimson eyes stared straight into me, worry and compassion spilling out into the air. He was lovely, completely and utterly amazing in every way. Kachaan’s so amazing…
He raised his hands, signing slowly “how about me get your aids, and we call Shouto? Will that help?” he rubbed his hands down my arms, stroking gently as he looked at me. He was always so gentle with me, so caring and compassionate. I’d noticed how rough he was with others, and it warmed me to know that he only had this sense of softness for me. I nodded at him, and tried my best to offer him a small smile. He nodded back, pulling me to follow him to my bedroom to grab my aids from the dresser next to the bed. I put them in, adjusting the volume slowly until it felt right. “Good?” he asked, scanning my face for any signs of discomfort.
“Y-yes..” I mumbled, cringing at the sound of my own voice. It was rough, cracking with unshed tears. He smiled, leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to my forehead. He lingered there for a moment, one hand resting on my waist while the other cupped the back of my neck. I couldn’t help but lean forward into his kiss, his touch was addictive. I craved it more than anything, it was like a drug to me. He pressed our foreheads together, looking deeply into my eyes. It was a mess of green and red, wet with tears and glassy from panic and unease.. But he pulled me in, soft pillowy lips pressing against my slightly chapped one. My broken heart hammered in my chest, reminding me that there was still one in there at all. It felt like I'd given away every piece of it, leaving a gaping hole where it used to rest.. A heart that once loved so much, broken into bits by the only thing it knew. Until katsuki, all that fragile heart knew was despair, loss, and grief. I constantly grieved the loss of the boy who once loved everything and everyone so deeply. The wide-eyed, fluffy haired kid who would give everything to a stranger, just to see a smile.
But now, who was I? A depressed, deaf, underweight loser with no hope of ever coming out from this pit I let myself fall into… well, at least I was.
Kissing him was like Christmas morning, exciting and light. A childhood bliss, long forgotten once adulthood settled in. He returned that love and excitement into my life, one smile at a time. He was an angel in civilian clothing. My saving grace in disguise. How would I ever be enough for him?
I kissed back with as much ferociousness as I could muster, cheeks still wet with tears and shoulders still shaking when little sobs broke through. It was a mess of teeth and tears, sniffles and moans as I pushed him to fall back onto the bed. He landed with an ‘oof,’ eyes wide as he stared up at me. I climbed on top of him, straddling him as I leaned down to attack his mouth again. It was feverish, and all I could feel was heat. His hot skin, the heat rising in my body, his warm tongue running across my bottom lip. I whimpered as he squeezed my sides, hands tight against me. “Izu..” he moaned, tilting his head back in an attempt to look at me. I didn’t give him the chance, however, because I was placing kisses all over his neck. Sucking and biting at the exposed skin, soaking in his moans and hisses that he tried to keep under his breath. “Izu, h-hey.. Wait..”
I kept up the pace, kissing and running my hands across his chest. Why didn’t I notice he’d been shirtless this entire time? Had he been? I wasn’t sure…
“Baby, wait.. Izuku..” he attempted to pull me from my place on his chest, no doubt feeling the wetness of my tears dripping down to land on his bare chest. I didn’t budge however, feeling lost in the way his skin felt under my lips. That is, until I was abruptly flipped to rest on my back, Kachaan hovering over me. His hands framed my face, eyes staring down at me. I felt like I was looking right through him though, completely unfocused to whatever was going on. I couldn’t think clearly, everything was so mixed together and loud… it was like tv static. Was there something wrong with my aids? No… no that wasn’t it..
“I love you, but I don’t want this… not like this, okay? Let's call sho, yeah babe?” he stroked my cheek, swiping tears as they fell. I nodded at him, his blurry form rising from his place where he was previously hovering over me. My head chanted “ kachaan, kachaan, kachaan” as he pulled me into his arms, one arm against my back while the other was wrapped under my legs to hold me up. I wasn’t sobbing anymore, but I was pretty sure I was still crying.. I couldn’t really tell though.
I just wanted to be close to Katsuki.. I wanted him to hold me and never let go. I was hurt, scared, and… angry. Brother left me, he promised he never would but he was gone and he didn’t even tell me goodbye.. He didn’t say he was coming back. It was too much. I looked up when I felt Kachaan sit down, still cradling me in his arms. I noticed we were now in Shouto’s room. He climbed further up into the bed, pulling me to lie against his chest. “I’m gonna call him now, okay? Facetime, so you can see him..” he mumbled, pulling out his phone and searching for Shouto’s number. I almost laughed when I saw his contact name in kat’s phone was “Halfie.” I probably would have, if I could feel anything other than sadness.
He pressed the dial button, holding it up to his own face while it rang. The time it took for him to answer felt like eternity. The ringing was almost taunting me.
“Bakugo? What’s wrong?” I heard Shouto’s panicked voice from the other side of the phone, and I couldn’t help the little whimper that ripped past my lips. Katsuki shushed me, rubbing a comforting hand through my hair. “What’s up, Half-n-half? Zuku’ just wanted to see ya. Right, baby?” they seemed to exchange knowing glances, before Kachaan lowered the phone to rest in front of my face where it rested on his chest. I felt more tears well in my eyes at the sight of my older brother. He was trying his best to smile, but I could tell he was overrun with worry for me. “Hey izu” he cooed.
“Oniisan” I whimpered, little cries forcing themselves from my chest at the sound of his voice. He sighed, sides of his lips twitching downwards slightly as he forced himself to appear fine.. I know him too well, though. I know that he’s just as upset as I am about having to leave, and I suddenly felt bad for believing for even a second that he wouldn’t come home. “I’m sorry, bubs.. I didn’t mean to upset you so much, i’ll be back soon though okay? I promise.”
I nodded, staring deeply at the slightly blurred image of my older brother on the screen. He looked tired, stressed even.. I know whatever work Dad and Shouto do is dangerous. They kept me as far away from it as possible, but I'm not as dense to it as they believe me to be. I know the work they do is for the greater good, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is all gang related. They specialize in rescue missions, mostly saving hostages from Gang kidnappings or sex trafficking cases. They’re basically vigilantes. I was extremely proud of them, but I'd be lying if I said the selfish part of me wished that they could have less dangerous jobs. I don’t know what i’d do if one day they didn’t return from a mission. Sho usually got away with doing the investigating from home, pulling data online and hacking into computers and phones to gather information. This must be a very big deal if Dad needed him there directly.
“Just.. please come h-home safe, sho.. I need you..” I pleaded, voice shaky. He nodded in understanding, offering me another little smile. He was nervous, I could tell. I feared what this mission would bring for them. “Of course.. Aiz-... Dad says hi and he loves you.”
I nodded, telling him to tell Dad I said hello in return. We heard someone calling for him in the background, telling him to wrap it up on the phone. He sighed, pale fingers massaging his temples. “I gotta go, Izu. Be a good boy while i’m gone, okay? Bakugo will be there for you the whole time, okay?”
I could feel myself slowly regressing, mind glazing back over pushing me deeper into the fog of my subconscious. I was getting sleepier, more clingy and needy as the seconds ticked by. I sniffled, not wanting him to hang up. I wanted to keep talking to him until it was time for him to come home. In fact, I wanted to scream and cry, demand for him to come home immediately. But, the last logical piece of me forced myself to nod and mutter out an understanding. “Love you, zuzu. Later, sparky.” Kachaan mumbled something about Shouto being a “half-n-half bastard” before the phone clicked, signalling that the call had ended.
“He’s gonna be fine, promise. Just go to sleep, baby..”
The warmth of his body, the softness of his hands against my back, and the amount of crying I'd done within the last hour were enough for me to drift off to sleep.
He kept me safe, even when we were both unconscious to the world around us.
His arms rested around me, holding me close to him, as if he was afraid i’d suddenly disappear into the night. He always touched me so gently, as if he was trying to erase every hurtful hand that had ever previously resided there. To know every spot of me that had ever been hurt, so he could take it all away.. To make it better.
Soft, safe, warm..