HATING DR. FOWLER
Rumors About Amy
I did it! I finally made a very obvious move on the innocent and naïve physics genius, Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper. He asked me if I was interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him and I was surprised that he actually asked. Maybe his annoying posse of friends, most especially those two blondes, planted the idea in his head. And before he could expound on the reasons why he and I could not be together in the way I wanted, I kissed him.
I kissed Dr. Sheldon Cooper!
That should be enough to show him that other women, aside from his precious Amy, existed in the universe.
To my dismay, instead of pulling me in closer because the gullible physicist has finally realized I am the better match for him, he didn't even bother to close his eyes and he just pulled away. He freaking pulled away from me!
I expected him to say that he would choose me and dump that frumpy, mousy, and boring neurobiologist. But no! He only said "excuse me a moment," and he left. He fucking left me in his office!
I waited for him for thirty minutes but he never returned.
I stormed out of his office in a huff.
"Argh!" I smacked my folders on my desk as the memory of that stupid kiss reverberated in my mind.
I should not have done that. I should not have embarrassed myself.
Clearly, that genius man-child was so besotted and head over heels in love with his supposedly super-smart frumpy wallflower girlfriend. Argh!
I should be with Dr. Cooper. Together, he and I could be the next power couple of science. Dr. Cooper and I could be the next Pierre and Marie Curie.
I am a better match for him. I am a physicist just like him. We could win a Nobel together.
Getting together with Sheldon Cooper, managing his eccentricities and quirks, was my only ticket to winning the Nobel. I could never win a Nobel on my own. Despite my doctorate degree, I'm not as smart as Dr. Cooper and his genius posse of oddballs.
My life goal was simple. Seduce a genius physicist, put up with him, marry him, make him focus on building a game-changing theory, force him to share the credit, and we win a Nobel together.
If I can't win a Nobel using my own talent, then I would have to use my guile and charms to get what I want. And Sheldon Cooper was the perfect candidate. He was brilliant – a genius with an IQ of 187 – and he was so gullible and clueless about women.
From the moment I've heard of Sheldon as a graduate student way back, I knew he was the one – my ticket to the Nobel. But then, that stupid Penny and his nerdy friends, helped him to realize my plan when I wanted to share the credit for a theorem he created years ago.
Honestly, he should let me share the credit! I took care of him and made sure that he remained focused. Instead, he insisted on playing video games and all those silly traditions he had with his pathetic loser friends.
"Maybe it's time I find another genius," I muttered as I read through a cover feature on Neuron. It was a feature of Dr. Cooper's beloved neurobiologist, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.
"Even her name sounds so bland," I said with bitterness. As I peruse the article I could not argue with one very simple fact.
Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler was a genius.
The paper she wrote was postulated in a way that reminded me of Dr. Cooper's work. Her writing style was formal, thorough, highly logical, and perfectly technical. I grudgingly admit that her work was perfect.
If Sheldon Cooper was the prodigy of theoretical physics for his work on String Theory, then Amy Farrah Fowler is the Sheldon of neurobiology. The way Amy understood the brain was simply awe-inspiring and phenomenal! And I hate it!
"Maybe I should just go with Dr. Kripke," I said with a sigh. I could not bring myself to finish reading about Amy's brilliant work. I just could not understand why that ordinary woman won the heart of my ticket to the Nobel Prize.
What does Amy Farrah Fowler have over me?
I am a tall, slim, blonde physicist who had a swimmer's physique. Honestly!
Okay… So, clearly, she was so much smarter than I am but at the end of the day, I am a physicist! Sheldon should pick me over a mere biologist (despite Amy being one of the youngest and the best biology experts in the world so to speak).
I closed my laptop and decided to do some research.
Amy could have Dr. Cooper even if it is indeed a bitter pill to swallow. I just wanted to know though.
What does she have that I don't have?
What makes Amy Farrah Fowler so special?
With those questions in mind, I left my office and decided to covertly ask around to sniff out my supposed competition.
I left my office and walked the corridors only to come across Dr. Barry Kripke, another physicist that had potential, next to Dr. Cooper and Dr. Hofstadter at least.
"Dr. Kripke," I nodded politely.
"Dr. Nowitzki," Dr. Kripke drawled with his signature lisp and leer combo.
"I read your recent paper about String Theory. It's been getting raves recently. Congratulations," I said politely.
"Ah, yes! Thank you. I must admit though that I wouldn't be able to write the paper and the concept without the help of Amy," Dr. Kripke explained with his annoying nasal voice due to his speech impediment.
Amy? Really? You have got to be fucking kidding me!
"Amy? As in Dr. Fowler?" I asked.
"Yes. She had an idea on how to address a potential concept of String Theory using some observations that she derived from her expertise in neurobiology. Amy is brilliant! Her idea is phenomenal!" I hear a hint of admiration in Dr. Kripke's voice that made me even more annoyed.
What is it with this Amy that she has all theoretical physicists at Caltech wrapped around her little fingers?
"I see… Well, it's good of her to share her ideas with you given that she's with Dr. Cooper," I remarked with feigned nonchalance.
"I think Cooper might be jealous about it, you know how possessive he is about his beloved. But well, it's his loss for not listening to Amy's brilliant ideas more… Personally, I think she can do so much better than Cooper. Lucky bastard!"
"Yes, lucky indeed," I nodded. I needed to walk away. I couldn't take more of these high praises for the oh so perfect and oh so brilliant Amy.
"I remember when Amy broke up with Cooper, I wanted to ask Amy out but Cooper threatened to kill me in a duel. Lucky bastard is that crazy about Amy. I can't say I blame him. If she were my – "
"Excuse me, Dr. Kripke, I have to go," I could not hear more about Dr. Kripke's apparent crush on Amy and how Dr. Cooper was so possessive about his oh so brilliant girlfriend.
"How rude," I hear Dr. Kripke mutter but I didn't care. I have to get out of here.
I walked away from Dr. Kripke and reached the cafeteria. It was a little bit crowded since it's time for an afternoon break. I spotted Dr. Cooper's genius friends sitting around their table. I noticed that he wasn't there with them and frankly I didn't care where he was. That gullible blind fool picked that frumpy Amy instead of me.
After ordering a snack, I chose to sit at a table near Dr. Cooper's friends so I could eavesdrop on their conversation. Even if I didn't love that gullible man, I did want him to be mine so he could be my ticket to the Nobel prize. Apparently, that's impossible now because of Amy, but I still want to know why though. Why did Sheldon pick Amy over me? What's so special about her?
This never happened to me before. I always got what I wanted.
So, I wanted to know why. Why did Amy beat me?
I notice a very tall and big man with a bearded face approach the table occupied by Dr. Hofstadter, Dr. Koothrappali, and Mr. Wolowitz. I pretended to be engrossed on my phone so that they wouldn't notice that I'm listening in.
"Hey, guys! Where's Sheldon?"
"Hey Bert!" the men chorused.
"Actually, we've been looking for Sheldon. Since he's not here, why don't you join us," Dr. Hofstadter, ever the nice guy, offered. The other two nodded as well.
"So… How are you guys holding up now that Amy's in Princeton?" the guy named Bert asked.
"It's my wife who's more upset. She misses her best friend and girls' night. As for me, Amy is my Neil Diamond buddy and really, Sheldon gets crazy, er, crazier without Amy... Anyway, we all miss Amy," the short astronaut said.
"Argh! Sheldon not better get twenty-five cats this time," Dr. Hofstadter was clearly exasperated.
"Twenty-five cats? What do you mean?" Bert was confused. Even I wanted to know more about this. Surely it's an exaggeration!
"Before they officially started dating, Amy and Sheldon ended their friendship over a debate about neurobiology and physics. It seems that two geniuses just can't agree whose research and study are better so they broke up. Sheldon was crazy about Amy even then. He says it's a relationship of the mind or some such mumbo jumbo but… Anyway, he bought twenty-five cats since he misses Amy so much," Dr. Hofstadter expounded. I noticed the emphasis on relationship of the mind, whatever that meant.
"Huh? Twenty-five cats? That's crazy!" Bert exclaimed.
"You know, I never believed that whole relationship of the mind crap," Dr. Koothrappali said knowingly.
"Me too. Sheldon talks in his sleep, if you know what I mean," Dr. Hofstadter smirked.
"Ooh! Color me intrigued," Mr. Wolowitz leered.
"Are you talking about Sheldon's fascination with Amy's rear view," Dr. Koothrappali huffed like that piece of information was old news.
"Yeah. That's always his weakness. Although he does have a thing about her eyes, hair, and lab coats," Dr. Hofstadter shrugged.
"That hypocritical horndog! Always going on and on about us and our hindbrains when all along – what an arrogant piece of! Ah well, since he's only desired one woman in his entire life, I guess I'll have to forgive him," Mr. Wolowitz shrugged.
As the men chuckled and had knowing grins on their faces, I got more and more depressed about the things I was hearing.
Really? Dr. Cooper had only ever wanted one woman in his life? He's never showed interest in anyone until that frumpy wallflower came along? What in the world! How's that even possible?
I found it harder and harder to listen in to their conversation as I angrily munch on my sandwich. Argh! Why do I have to hear more stories about how hopelessly devoted Dr. Cooper is to that mousy little woman?
"You know, I never confronted you about lying to me. You said Amy's a lesbian," Bert addressed Dr. Koothrappali and Mr. Wolowitz.
"What are we supposed to say? You kept on sending Amy precious rocks and you didn't believe she had a boyfriend," the Indian man replied and the former astronaut nodded.
"Ah, well… Amy's cool and all, I mean she's a trendsetter for an efficient way to clean laboratories and… Anyway, she's not that, I mean, you know – "
"Hey! Amy may dress very conservatively but well, let's just say that Sheldon Cooper is a very lucky man," the astrophysicist had a dreamy look in his eyes.
"You know something…"
"Let's just say that I accidentally caught a glimpse of the sweet Dr. Fowler in just her undergarments at girls' night. Told you there's a good reason for being in touch with my feminine side... Anyway, you know how those women get crazy as they dress each other and do makeup. Well, that's a very good view and memory indeed... Long story short, I'm only going to say that Sheldon Cooper is one lucky bastard for having a living and breathing renaissance sculpture in his bed," and then Dr. Koothrappali made a curvy shape of a woman's body with his hands.
"Genius IQ and curves! Sheldon got lucky and he didn't even try to find Amy," the experimental physicist chuckled.
"You know Raj, you should never let Sheldon know that you've seen Amy in her underwear," the astronaut said.
"Yeah, Howard's right. I mean, I got karate chopped because of a date with Amy and it was just a friendly date at a wedding. I don't know what Sheldon will do to you," Dr. Hofstadter winced.
"Hey! You are not to tell Sheldon, okay? He might build a death ray and – " the astrophysicist was panicking now.
"I'll keep it a secret if you give me your limited edition – "
I chewed the last of my sandwich and got out of my seat. I could not take this anymore. This was all too much for me to handle. I could no longer listen to these men talk about how smart, how curvy, and how crazy Dr. Cooper is for his beloved Amy.
The next day, there was a new rumor at Caltech. The mystery as to why Dr. Cooper excused himself after I kissed him could finally be answered. Being the loyal and besotted man that he is, he went all the way to New Jersey just so he could propose to Amy at Princeton.
Everyone was saying how theirs was such a beautiful and poignant love story.
Everyone talked about how it's so adorable that Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler were each other's first and last love. They talked about how the perfect Amy softened the eccentric Sheldon.
And then, to highlight this already bad day, that stupid Indian astrophysicist just had the gall to gloat about Sheldon flying to New Jersey just to get engaged with their precious and dear friend Amy.
It's official. I hate Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.
Amy won Dr. Cooper and I hate her.
How dare she be so perfect and so beloved by everyone around her?
I just wish that this day would end so I could go home and eat ice cream. Maybe I could find another university that's in need of a researcher for any physics project. I needed to get away from the perfect Amy and my supposed Nobel ticket, Dr. Cooper.
I was checking my email and I saw a weird subject on the thread.
This is a WARNING.
Thinking it's a spam mail I clicked the message. I immediately frowned when I read the email address.
It was sent via Gmail from a queenpenelope.
This is Penny and Bernadette. We are the best friends of Amy and Sheldon.
Sheldon and Amy are engaged. Sheldon is crazy about Amy.
Sheldon bought Amy a tiara. Amy is his princess.
You don't stand a chance.
Back off you bitch.
If you won't listen, Queen Penelope will go Nebraska on your ass.
Furthermore, you will face the wrath of the cunning and brilliant Goddess Bernadette. Thou shall fear things that you can't see.
We're watching you.
Keep your filthy lips away from Sheldon.
He must have soaked his mouth with Purell, toothpaste, and mouthwash because of your germs.
Nobody kisses Sheldon but Amy.
This is your last warning!
We're fucking serious,
Queen Penelope and Goddess Bernie
P.S. Amy may look innocent and sweet but she made a TSA agent's nose bleed. You don't mess with us. Ever.
"Those silly juvenile women!" I snort.
Despite the nonsensical wording though, I got the message loud and clear. To be honest, they didn't need to send a threat.
The precious Amy had already won.
That frumpy mousy little nerd won.
I hate Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.
Despite the hatred, I feel very curious about her. I actually want to meet her in person just so I can scrutinize her further. She must have a flaw. I just know it. No one could be that perfect.
Dr. Fowler could keep Dr. Cooper.
But I, Dr. Nowitzki, just wanted to prove that I am smarter, prettier, and better than that bespectacled neurobiologist.