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The Westerosi Race

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Petyr voiceover - Previously on The Westerosi Race… 

 

[Start with a clip of all teams at the starting line looking at each other with surprised faces.]

Teams were shocked when they learned their partners would not be who they arrived with but instead complete strangers, causing tension and tempers to rise. 

 

[Cut to a clip of Sansa with her arms crossed as she stands on a curb, Sandor staring at her from beside the taxi followed by a clip of Sansa smiling as she looks up at Sandor at the Pit Stop mat.] 

Sandor and Sansa fought each other the entire leg, but Sandor’s knowledge of the area carried them all the way to the mat, winning First place. Will they learn to put their differences aside or will it be their destruction? 

 

[Cut to a clip of Arya on the mat, arms crossed as she glares at Sansa.] 

Will sisters Arya and Sansa ever learn to get along? Or will their competitiveness drive a wedge between them that they’ll never be able to recover from? 

 

[Cut to a clip of Tormund gazing adoringly at Brienne as she scowls at him.] 

Will Tormund be able to win Brienne over, or is this all going to end in a devastating heartbreak? 

 

[Camera cuts to Petyr walking in a field of snow.] 

Petyr - All of this and more on this week’s episode of The Westerosi Race! 

 

Westerosi Race Theme Song

 

[Sansa and Sandor are standing on the mat, facing the camera. It’s very early in the morning. Sansa is smiling and pleasant. Sandor is not.]

Petyr voiceover - Each team will be departing ten minutes apart based on the order they placed in the previous leg. For this leg of the race, each team will receive $61. Sansa and Sandor are the first team to depart.

[Sandor rips open the yellow clue envelope, pulling out the paper and angling it so Sansa can read it aloud.] 

Sansa - Make your way north of the Wall!   [She cheers, bouncing up and down excitedly as she looks up at Sandor.]

Sandor, annoyed - Fuck. 

 

[Camera cuts to Petyr walking in front of the Wall. He has a forced smile on his face, his nose and ears bright red.]

Petyr, tightly - The landscape north of the Wall is known for being the coldest location in all of Westeros. The people here are a very close-knit group with beautiful Northern customs. 

[[Director’s cut Outtakes - Petyr shivers. The plastic smile falls from his face. “Ok. Fuck this - cut!" He glares at someone off-camera. "Where is my trailer?" We hear mumbling in response. Petyr nods and walks away, leaving the frame. The camera turns, following him.  “I don’t know why people live in this godsdamn place. Someone get me my coat!”  We hear more muttering off-camera. “What do you mean ‘which coat’? The thick one, with the fur! NOT the green one, green makes me look bloated. And where is that fucking assistant with my fucking hot chocolate!?” He stomps off through the snow angrily.]]

 

- - -  

 

 

Sansa looked down, glaring at Sandor’s arm on the armrest between them. “Really? You're still not going to share?” 

He opened his eyes and raised his head, looking down at her. “Have you looked at me?” He gestured to his body, mimicking her tone from their first flight together. He smiled sarcastically. 

She scoffed, trying to hide her amusement at his words. She moved her arm next to his, pushing against him so hard her face was scrunched up. His arm didn't move.

He huffed a laugh. “I don’t know where you expect my arm to go. I barely fit in this seat as it is.” He laid his head back down on the headrest, closing his eyes again.

She glared at him for the rest of the flight. 

 

- - - 

 

[Camera shows the contestants all running through the airport, except Melisandre, who is leisurely walking.]

Petyr voiceover - Since all teams were able to get tickets on the same flight up, it’s now a footrace to see who can get a taxi first. Once inside their car, their driver will need to take them to The Frozen Shore Lake. Once there, teams will find their next clue. 

[The teams arrive at the glass exterior doors. Jaime pushes one open, blasting the teams with cold air and flecks of snow. The contestants in front of the pack all hiss and take a step backward. Tormund and Ygritte shove past them to go outside, followed closely by Jon, Arya and Sansa. Sandor takes a deep breath and follows them outside, wincing as a huge gust of wind blows his hair all around his face. Everyone else remains inside, relieved when Jaime pulls the door closed.]

[The camera cuts to an exterior shot. Ygritte and Jon are already in a taxi, pulling away from the curb. Sansa is talking to a cab driver. Sandor is standing behind a pillar, hiding from the wind. All we see is half of his face sticking out as he watches Sansa. The driver nods to Sansa and she waves Sandor over. He steps around the pillar and jogs to the cab, getting in first. Sansa ducks down after him, shaking her head. Their taxi pulls away from the curb once she closes the door.]

[Camera cuts to inside their taxi. Sandor is shivering. Sansa is fine.]

Sandor - Fuck! It’s too fucking cold! [He blows warm air into his cupped hands, rubbing them together.] 

Sansa, amused - You know it’s summer, right?

[ Sandor glares at her.]

[Camera cuts back to the airport exterior. Tormund and Brienne are gone, Arya and Tyene’s taxi is pulling away from the curb. We can see Podrick and Gendry getting into a cab. Margaery, Bronn, Jaime, Sarella, and Davos are all watching from inside.

[Camera cuts to the interior as Jaime turns to Margaery, a confused look on his face.]

Jaime, curiously - I thought you were on the Winterfell team?

Margaery, shaking her head - No. I mean, yes, I was, but I only transferred to the University there last semester. I’m from the south. [She looks outside.] It's not like.. this.

[Jaime, Sarella, Davos and Bronn all turn, looking out the window and nodding in agreement. Melisandre enters the frame, exiting the airport doors. Camera follows her as she walks out onto the sidewalk, unbothered by the weather. Davos jogs to catch up to her, pulling his coat up to cover his face as he exits the airport.]

Davos, baffled - How are you not cold? I didn't think you were from the North.

Melisandre - No, I am not of the North. But I have a fire burning deep inside me that does not fear the cold. 

[We hear a knocking sound coming from off-camera. Davos and Melisandre both turn, their brows furrowed. Camera swivels to show Margaery waving at them pleasantly.]

Margaery, loudly, through the glass - They make a cream for that! I can write down the name of it for you!  [She smiles and gives a thumbs-up to Melisandre.] 

[Camera cuts back to Melisandre as she tilts her head, giving Margaery a peculiar look. She blinks as she walks away, exiting the frame. Davos smiles politely, nodding as he returns Margaery's thumbs-up. He turns as we hear Melisandre's voice off-camera.] 

Melisandre, off-camera - Come. I found someone to guide us. 

[Davos nods, jogging out of frame as Camera pans over to the glass doors. Bronn, Margaery, Jaime and Sarella stand together, all watching Melisandre and Davos's taxi pull away from the curb. No one moves to come out.]

[Camera cuts to an exterior shot of a frozen lake. There is a small tent set up to the side, wooden benches next to it. There are people standing nearby, dressed warmly. The clue box is in front of the tent.] 

[Camera pans to three approaching taxis. Team members all jump out the doors, getting their bags and running over to the clue box. The camera follows Sandor as he reaches inside the box and pulls a yellow envelope out. He goes over to the side, ripping it open and holding it low for Sansa to read.]

Sansa, panting - It’s a Roadblock! ‘Which one of you is ready to freeze their ice off?’

[Camera frame changes to pre-recorded footage of the lake. Petyr is not in the shot.] 

Petyr voiceover - In this Roadblock, one team member will partake in a Northern Tradition -  a plunge in this frozen lake! Swimming in this frozen water nude is a Northern rite of passage, although team members who choose to do this task will be provided a wet suit. Once outfitted, they must dive into a pre-cut hole in the surface of the lake and swim under the ice until they reach the exit hole cut for them - fifteen feet away. Once the team member is up and out of the water, they will receive their next clue. This task is straightforward, but teams who prefer it hot .. could freeze under the pressure.

[Camera cuts back to Sansa and Sandor. His face is pale. We hear howls fill the air and Camera pans to show us Tormund and Ygritte, both grinning widely. Tormund howls again as he begins to strip off his clothing, Brienne next to him looking away respectfully. A lakeside assistant approaches Tormund, his face nervous.]

Lakeside Assistant, warily - Um, sir. There are tents provided to protect your modesty and uh… here is your wetsuit? [He holds a wetsuit out for Tormund.] 

Tormund, laughing - I don’t need your wetsuit. And fuck your modesty! [He removes the last of his clothing, standing completely naked. The assistant gasps, bringing his hand up to shield his eyes.]  

[Tormund laughs as he jogs towards the lake. Camera pans over to Ygritte as she drops the last of her clothing on the ground. She smiles, looking over her shoulder at Jon.]

Ygritte, teasing - Make sure you take a good look, Jon Snow! 

[She laughs as she turns and runs towards the lake. The camera pans to Jon. He’s looking at the ground, smiling as he shakes his head. His face is bright red. Behind him, an assistant is squinting with her head tilted to the side.]

Assistant, curiously - Well..they're both natural redheads, in case you were wondering.

[Jon brings his hand up to rub his forehead, closing his eyes as he laughs, muttering 'oh gods..']

[Camera cuts back to Sansa and Sandor. He drops his bag to the ground, unzipping his jacket.]

Sansa, scoffing - You can’t be serious? You really want to do that? [She gestures to the lake.]

Sandor, frustrated - Of course I don’t fucking want to! But this shit needs to get done. [He throws his jacket to the ground, shivering. Sansa laughs, taking her bag off her back.]

Sansa, into the camera - I’ll do it.  

[Sandor turns to her, his face outraged.]

Sandor, angrily - For fuck’s sake, we can’t take that back! You have to do it now! 

[Sansa bends down to pick up his jacket, standing and shoving it against his chest. She removes her coat, laying it on one of the benches.] 

Sansa, puzzled - Have you really forgotten your partner is a Northerner? [She gestures to the lake.] I've done this hundreds of times! [She puts her hands on her hips.] Now, are you done arguing with me so I can go finish this? 

[She stares at him, eyes wide, waiting. Sandor sighs, frustrated. He glares at her.]

Sandor, tersely - Fine.

Sansa, sarcastic - Oh, thank you for your permission!  

[Sandor holds out his jacket, straightening it quickly and shoving his arms through the sleeves. He zips it up over his chin, lifting the hood up over his head and crossing his arms, shivering.] 

Sandor, his voice muffled through his jacket - Are you going to do it naked?

Sansa, laughing - No. You would like that too much.  

[Sandor rolls his eyes, looking away as she finishes stripping down to her panties and bra. She politely declines the wetsuit an assistant holds out to her as she jogs over to the lake.] 

[Camera pans to an approaching taxi. Arya jumps out before the car can stop fully, her bag bouncing on her back as she runs to the clue box. Tyene gets out after her, stopping to duck back into the car. We hear her yelling in Old Rhoynish before she stands up, slamming the door shut.] 

[Subtitles for Tyene read - “Why would you be a taxi driver if you don’t know where you’re going, you ignorant donkey!]

[Arya drops her bag at the clue box, pulling out a yellow envelope from inside. Tyene is by her side when Arya rips it open, both girls' eyes scanning the paper.]

Arya, excited - FUCK YES! [She turns to camera.] I'm fucking doing it!

[Arya drops the clue, stripping off all her clothes and throwing them on top of her bag, running over to the lake completely naked. Tyene’s lips twitch with amusement as she watches Arya join the line of people at the lake. Tyene shivers, zipping her jacket up further and crossing her arms.]

[Camera cuts to a close up of the lake. Tormund comes up from the water and he pulls himself up from the exit hole, howling into the sky. An assistant with a towel jerks back from surprise. Tormund smiles happily, taking the towel from her and rubbing his hair briskly before handing it back, his eyes wild and his hair sticking up everywhere. He howls again as he runs back to Brienne. The assistant tilts her head to the side, watching him run away. She looks very impressed.]

[The camera pans back to the exit hole as Ygritte's head pops up. She lifts herself up onto the ice, howling as she stands and takes a towel from another assistant. She runs back to Jon, taking the towel with her.]

[Camera cuts to Sansa as she jumps into the water. The shot pans and we see her shadowy figure swim smoothly under the ice. 

[Camera cuts to Sandor’s face as he watches for Sansa to come back up. His eyes are focused intently, his face blank.]

[Camera cuts to Sansa emerging from the water, smiling as she brushes her hair back from her face. She lifts herself up, thanking the assistant who hands her a towel.] 

[Camera cuts to Sandor as he exhales sharply. He turns, grabbing his bag and putting it on his back. He holds her bag in one hand and her clothes in the other, waiting. Camera zooms out as Sansa enters the frame, jogging up to Sandor’s side. She's smiling as she takes her clothes from his outstretched hand but he isn't looking at her.]

Sansa, panting - Thank you. [She looks at him curiously.] You didn’t enjoy the view? 

[Sandor scoffs, rolling his eyes. Sansa turns, walking towards the tent. She pauses at the entrance, looking over her shoulder at him.]

Sansa, teasing - Hmm, that's a shame. 

[He turns his head sharply to her, his face confused. She laughs, ducking into the tent.]

[Camera pans to another taxi approaching. Gendry and Podrick exit, getting their bags and running over to the clue box. Camera pans over as another taxi pulls up, Davos and Melisandre exiting, Davos carrying his bag. He waves to his son as he jogs over to him at the clue box. Gendry smiles at him happily, handing Davos a yellow envelope. Melisandre walks to the lakeside, staring out over the water. She takes a deep breath in through her nose, closing her eyes. She isn’t wearing a coat, but seems fine.]

[Camera pans back to the tent as Sansa emerges, her hand full of wet underwear. Sandor inhales sharply, looking away from her hand. She smirks as she grabs her bag from his hand, unzipping the front pocket and stuffing her wet underwear in it, zipping it back up. She stands up, getting her coat from the bench and putting her arms through the sleeves. She looks up at Sandor, amused. He's looking out over the lake with his hands on his hips, his eyebrows furrowed. An assistant comes up to Sansa, handing her a yellow clue envelope. Sansa thanks him and hands it over to Sandor, looking down and zipping up her coat. He clears his throat, blinking as he rips it open and pulls out the paper inside. He holds it so Sansa can read it.]

Sansa - It’s the Detour! 

Petyr voiceover - In this detour, teams will be given a choice between two tasks - ‘By Foot’ or ‘By Smell’. 

[Camera cuts to footage of a local campsite.]

Petyr voiceover - In ‘By Foot’, teams must travel by foot to this nearby campsite and help the locals build this structure, called a lavvu. This challenge is both physically demanding as well as mentally taxing. These structures are not easy to build and the materials used are heavy. Team members will receive their next clue only when the local builder approves of their work. If the teams don’t work together to complete this … they could become a foot behind. 

 

[Camera cuts to footage of a snow-covered building.]

Petyr voiceover - In ‘By Smell’, teams must travel to this nearby eatery where they will partake in a local delicacy - Surströmming. 

What teams don’t know is Surströmming is raw herring that has been placed inside a container underground for six months with just enough salt to prevent rotting. This fermentation process gives the fish its characteristic strong smell - giving it the title of one of the smelliest foods in the world. Teams will receive their next clue once each member has finished an entire bowl. This task is straightforward, but teams with a sensitive stomach… might feel like a fish out of water.

[Camera cuts back to Sandor and Sansa, both reading the clue. In the background, we see Tormund and Brienne getting into their taxi, Tormund laughing triumphantly. Sandor turns to see Ygritte and Jon also getting into their cab. Sandor turns back to the paper in his hands, shaking his head.]

Sandor, rushed - We don’t have time to build anything. Fuck.. let’s just do the eating one. 

[He stuffs the paper back in the envelope and jogs towards their cab. We can see Sansa trying not to laugh as she jogs behind him. Sandor opens the taxi door for her, a confused look on his face as she gets into the car.]

Sandor, confused - Wait, why is it called ‘By Smell’? 

[We hear Sansa laugh as Sandor gets into the taxi and shuts the door. The taxi drives away, passing an approaching taxi. The car stops, Margaery and Bronn getting out, both carrying their bags.]

Bronn, shivering - Shit, it’s colder than a snowman’s cock out here! 

[Margaery giggles, shaking her head as she kisses him on the cheek. He smirks at her, waggling his eyebrows. They jog over to the clue box, opening it and pulling out a yellow envelope. Bronn rips it open and they read it silently.]

Bronn, surprised - Oh, fuck no!

[Camera pans over to the lake. Podrick is running back to the shore wearing a wetsuit. He's soaking wet and has two towels wrapped around his shoulders. We hear him mutter ‘shit, shit, shit’ as he runs. Gendry holds his clothes out to him and Podrick grabs them, ducking down into the tent.]

[Camera pans back over the lake. Melisandre is completely nude, emerging from the water serenely. The assistant offers her a towel but she shakes her head. She walks across the lake to Davos. He is looking up at the sky as she approaches him.]

Davos, hesitantly - Uhh.. would you like to get a towel?

Melisandre, simply - No. 

Davos, hesitantly - Does..it offend your god?  [Melisandre smiles and nods, although Davos can’t see her. He sighs, putting his hands on his hips as he continues to look up at the sky.]

 

[Camera cuts to the local eatery. Tormund is sitting at the bar, eating his fish eagerly. Brienne is sitting next to him, grimacing as she stares into the bowl in front of her.]

[A waitress is serving Ygritte and Jon their bowls at the bar. Jon thanks her as they start eating without difficulty. Arya is sitting at a table with an empty bowl in front of her, facing Tyene. Tyene is breathing deeply through her mouth with her eyes closed. Her bowl is full.]

[Camera pans to the door as Sansa enters, Sandor behind her. Sandor grimaces as he walks through the door.]

Sandor, defeated - Fuck. I hate fish.  

[Sansa turns to him wide-eyed.] 

Sansa, panicked - oh gods, you hate fish? Why didn’t you say anything?!

[Sandor sighs as he walks over to an empty space at the bar, raising a hand in the air to signal the waitress. He takes his bag off, setting it on the floor as Sansa comes and stands next to him. She puts a hand on his arm.]

Sansa, worried - Sandor. You’ll never get through it. It’s basically almost rotten fish. 

[Sandor grimaces as the waitress sets the bowls down in front of them. He sits down on the bench next to Tormund, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.]

Sandor, eyes closed - No, we don’t have time to switch to the building one. Fuck! [He puts his elbows on the bartop, his head in his hands.]

Tormund, loudly, happily - It’s just like my mom makes it!

[Tormund picks up his bowl, making loud slurping sounds as he drinks the juice. Sandor gags, his face green.]

[Camera turns as Ygritte and Jon stand up, both finished with their bowls. They're putting their bags on as the waitress comes and gives them a yellow clue envelope. Jon nods politely at her as he takes it. They make their way to the exit.]

[Camera cuts to an exterior shot of the eatery. Ygritte rips open the clue envelope and pulls the papers out.]

Jon, smiling - Pit Stop! 

[Camera cuts to pre-recorded footage of a snowy village.]

Petyr voiceover - The town of Whitetree sits on the edge of a mountain valley known as The Skirling Pass. Once a pathway for White Walkers on their journey to decimate human life as we know it, it is now a bustling village where families live and children play. It’s here in the town center that teams must meet me on the coveted Westerosi Pit Stop Mat. The last team to arrive..may be eliminated.

[[Director’s cut Outtakes - We hear Petyr sigh. “Are we sure I have to be the one to meet them this time? What if we had like.. a fun local meet them instead? Like that other show?”  We hear a muffled response. “No, I know they have the host stand with them too but wouldn’t it be more cultural if we just let the local do it? By themself?”  More muffled noises.  “Oh, fuck off, Varys.”]]

[Camera cuts back to Ygritte and Jon as they jog over to their taxi, Jon opening the door for Ygritte. He ducks inside after her and the taxi pulls away.]

[Camera cuts back to Tormund as he licks his fingers and sets his bowl aside. He leans over to Brienne.]

Tormund, curious - Aren’t you from an island? How do you not like fi-  [Brienne puts her fingers over his mouth, gagging]

Brienne, miserable - Stop talking. You have rotten fish breath. 

[Tormund smiles, kissing her fingers. Brienne lowers her hand immediately, scowling at him as she wipes her hand off on her jacket. He gestures to the bowl with his chin, a confused look on his face.]

Brienne, sighing - I do like fish. We eat fish every day - fresh fish, not this. [She sullenly taps the bowl in front of her.]

[Tormund frowns, looking down at the bowl. He purses his lips, thinking.]

[The camera shifts to pan around the room. Arya is speaking quietly to Tyene. Her bowl is now one-third empty as she chugs water from her glass. Arya is nodding at her encouragingly.]

[Camera pans over to Sansa and Sandor. Sansa's bowl is empty in front of her as she delicately blots her mouth with a napkin. No one else has a napkin. Sandor’s eyes are closed and he’s breathing roughly through his mouth. Sansa pushes her bowl to the side as she drinks from her water glass. She sets her glass down as she looks over at Sandor.] 

Sansa, overly positive - Come on, just think of it as protein! Think of all those delicious grams of protein that will help your giant muscles grow! 

[Sandor opens his eyes, looking over at her. Sansa is smiling widely at him. She nudges the bowl closer to him and he grimaces.]

Sandor, eyes closed again - Oh fuck, don’t make it move. It jiggles. [He gags, making a loud coughing sound.]

[Sansa looks behind the bar for the waitress, smiling as she gestures for her to come over. The waitress comes to stand in front of her, smiling warmly at Sansa.]

Sansa, kindly - Hi! My friend here would like some crackers, if you have them? [The waitress chuckles, nodding as she ducks down behind the bar. Sansa leans over the bartop.] Oh, and a giant pitcher of water, please? [The waitress looks up, nodding again as she stands, putting a packet of crackers on the bartop. Sansa smiles at her, opening the packet of crackers as the waitress fills a pitcher full of water.]  

[Camera cuts to the entrance as Melisandre and Davos enter. Melisandre is dressed, although her hair is dripping. Davos wrinkles his nose as he closes the door behind him. He looks around at other teams, craning his neck to look into the bowls.]

Davos, in awe - Lord of Light…  [Melisandre turns to him with a pleased smile on her face]

Melisandre, smiling - Yes, now you see.  

[She sits down at the bar where Jon and Ygritte were as Davos blinks at her, shaking his head. He sits down on the bench next to her as a waitress brings them their bowls. Melisandre begins eating easily while Davos looks down and grimaces.]

[Camera cuts back to Brienne. Tormund is sitting down next to her, straddling the bench with a pack of crackers in his hand. He puts a small spoonful of fish on top of a cracker, placing it in front of Brienne. She sighs, picking it up and taking a small bite. She chews quickly, her eyes closed. Tormund holds a glass of water in front of her. Brienne opens her eyes and looks around. She sees the glass and takes it, drinking deeply. Tormund smiles and signals to the waitress for more water.]

[Camera pans to the entrance as Margaery and Bronn enter, Bronn's hair wet. They both gag immediately. 

Margaery, shaking her head - No, no. no. [She backs out of the room.]

Bronn, disgusted - What the fuck died in here?? 

[He turns, following Margaery out of the eatery.]

[Camera swivels to show Sansa loading up crackers for Sandor. She places them in a straight line in front of him as he breathes deeply, his eyes closed.]

Sansa, focusing on her hands, working - Ok, this is your last chance to change over to the building Detour. [Sandor shakes his head.] Alright then this is what we’re going to do. [Sandor begins to open his eyes. Sansa claps her hand over his eyes quickly.] Nope, just keep your eyes closed. [She removes her hand, working on the crackers again.] Hold out your hand and I’ll put a cracker in it. Just take it and shove it into your mouth. I’ll put your water in the other hand and you can drink as much as you want. You’re going to just shove and eat, ok? 

[Sandor smirks, waggling his eyebrows at her even though his eyes are closed. She laughs, smacking him on the arm. She puts his glass of water in his hand. He holds on to it tightly.] 

Sansa, authoritatively - Ok, let’s do this. Put out your hand. 

[Sandor sighs as he lays his hand palm up on the bartop. Sansa places a loaded cracker on it and he immediately puts it in his mouth, chewing quickly. He drinks from his water and holds his hand out again. They begin a steady process of shoving and eating.] 

[Camera pans around to Arya and Tyene, her bowl half empty. Arya is loading the fish onto crackers for her, her eyes continuously scanning the room, watching the other teams. She whispers to Tyene, who nods.]

[Camera cuts back to Melisandre, an empty bowl in front of her. She sits patiently, watching Davos as he eats. He has one hand pinching his nose closed as he takes another bite. He gags but keeps chewing, his whole body shuddering as he swallows. He sighs, reaching into the bowl for another piece.] 

[Camera zooms out to show the whole room. Tormund is loading Brienne’s crackers, puttings bigger spoonfuls on the crackers than the last time we saw him. Brienne’s eyes are closed as she chews. She opens her eyes, nodding to him for another cracker. Her bowl is half-empty. Sansa is working steadily to fill Sandor’s crackers. His bowl is half-empty and his eyes are open now as he grabs his own crackers from the tabletop, eating them quickly as Sansa lays them down. He gags, chugging water to keep it down as he grabs another cracker. Tyene is drinking from her glass, her bowl two-thirds empty now.]

[Camera cuts to an exterior shot as Ygritte and Jon jog towards Petyr on the Pit Stop Mat, their bags bouncing on their backs. Petyr smiles at them as they arrive, both of them panting.]

Petyr - Ygritte and Jon… I’m pleased to tell you that you are team number one! 

[Jon and Ygritte look at each other, smiling. Ygritte reaches out to hug Jon to her as his eyes go wide. She laughs as he holds his hands out wide, not touching her.]

Ygritte, amused - For fuck’s sake, Jon!   

[She reaches out, batting his hands so they come to wrap around her.  He hugs her awkwardly, his hands trying to move around her bag. She laughs again as she lets him go. They stand facing Petyr, Ygritte winking at Jon as he smiles at her.]

Petyr - Now, do you think the fact that you’re both from the North helped you on this leg? 

[Jon and Ygritte exchange a look.]

Jon, confused - Uh.. yeah?  

[He looks at Ygritte, gesturing with his chin questioningly towards Petyr. Ygritte shrugs, her face bewildered.]

[Camera cuts to an exterior shot as Podrick sits on Gendry's shoulders, trying to attach a big sheet of canvas to a bundle of wooden poles in a wide triangle shape. A local woman shakes her head, raising her hands in the air as she yells directions at them. Gendry and Podrick both look overwhelmed as they nod, both trying to do as she says.]

[The shot widens as a taxi approaches, Margaery and Bronn exiting. They're making exaggerated gagging noises and laughing as they approach the campsite, greeting the woman happily. She turns to them, smiling as she gestures to a huge pile of building materials. Bronn and Margaery’s faces fall.]

[Camera cuts back to the Eatery. Sandor stands up, wiping his fingers off with Sansa’s napkin, his empty bowl sitting on the bartop. He drinks the last of his water as Sansa stands, putting her bag on and thanking the waitress. The waitress nods, handing them their yellow envelope. Sansa takes it as Sandor puts his bag on and they walk towards the door.]

[Camera cuts over to Arya and Tyene. Tyene has her eyes closed, chewing as Arya lays out the last cracker for her, the bowls on the table both empty now. Tyene opens her eyes, taking her water from Arya with a grateful nod. Tyene looks down, taking the last cracker and shoving it in her mouth.]

[Camera pans over to Davos as he gags again, still holding his nose as his empty bowl sits on the bartop in front of him.]

[Camera cuts to Brienne. She and Tormund are making their way to the exit, yellow envelope in Tormund’s hand. Brienne’s face is green but she smiles weakly, nodding at Tormund as he holds the door open for her.] 

[Camera cuts to an exterior shot of a finished lavvu, Podrick and Gendry both panting heavily as the woman in charge hands them their clue. She wraps her arms around their necks, yanking them towards her for a hug. Podrick and Gendry smile awkwardly, patting her on the back.]

[Camera pans over to Margaery and Bronn. Four local young men are helping Bronn build as Margaery simpers at them, thanking them profusely for their kind help. Bronn shakes his head, smiling as he bends down, stacking the last of the logs for the base of the lavvu. The local men push each other while they work, all vying for Margaery’s attention. She bats her eyelashes at them theatrically.]

[Camera cuts to shots of the teams that are still racing. Sandor and Sansa are in the back of a taxi, Sandor’s face is pale and his eyes are closed. Sansa looks over and smiles sympathetically at him. She pats his knee in a comforting gesture, looking out the window as her hand stays on his leg. He opens his eyes and looks at her hand. He closes his eyes again, breathing deeply through his nose.]

[Camera cuts to Tormund and Brienne. They’re in the back of a taxi, Tormund rubbing Brienne's back as she slumps over in the backseat. She shoves his hand away and he offers her a water bottle instead. She nods her head, accepting it gratefully.] 

[Camera cuts to Gendry and Podrick in the back of a taxi. They're both gesturing loudly to the driver, trying to point him in the right direction. The driver speaks loudly back at them, throwing his hands up in the air. Everyone looks confused. Gendry looks down at the clue in his hand, frustrated.]

[Camera cuts to Melisandre and Davos in the back of a taxi. They're sitting calmly, Melisandre looking out the window. Davos has a hand over his mouth as he looks out of his own window. He burps quietly, grimacing.] 

[Camera cuts to an exterior shot of another completed lavvu. Margaery is cheering and jumping as the local woman hands Bronn their yellow clue. She gives the woman a hug and the woman returns it happily. Margaery turns to Bronn, hugging his arm as he opens their envelope, the men behind Margaery looking at her wistfully.]

[Camera frame turns into a five-way picture-in-picture showing the teams in taxis as they navigate to the Pit Stop.]

[Camera cuts to an exterior view of Petyr waiting on the mat. He watches as a taxi pulls up, the angle not showing us who it is.]

[Camera cuts to Sandor’s foot exiting the taxi. The shot pans up and we see him step out fully, grabbing his bag. Sansa is exiting the other side, putting her bag on as they both jog up to the mat. Sandor stops jogging, walking instead behind Sansa with his hand on his stomach.  Sansa smiles widely at Sandor as they both arrive at the mat. He nods at her, continuing to hold his stomach.]

Petyr - Well! Sansa and Sandor! I’m pleased to tell you that you guys are… team number two! 

[Sansa beams at Sandor. He grimaces, his face turning slightly green.]

Petyr, maliciously - Now, Sandor, do you think it’s safe to say Sansa carried you this leg?  [He raises an eyebrow at Sandor.]

Sandor, glaring at Petyr - Obviously. 

Petyr, prying - And how do you feel about that? 

[Sansa turns to Sandor, her face curious. Sandor looks down at her before looking back to Petyr. His face is blank.]

Sandor, simply - She’s a good partner to have.

[Sandor looks down at her again as she beams up at him. The corner of his mouth turns up slightly. They both turn to face Petyr.]

Petyr, sourly - Well.. that’s great. Congratulations to you both. [He gestures to the road, where a taxi is pulling up.]  Ah, we have another team arriving now! 

[Camera cuts to show us Tormund and Brienne both exiting, Tormund helping Brienne put her bag on. She nods appreciatively to him and he smiles as they walk down to the mat side by side. Sansa and Sandor walk off the mat, exiting the frame as Brienne and Tormund step on it.]

Petyr - Tormund and Brienne, I’m pleased to tell you… you are team number three! 

[Tormund looks at Brienne with a wide smile. She smiles weakly back at him. She turns to face Petyr.]

Brienne, politely - Do you have a bucket? 

[Brienne bends over, puking loudly all over Petyr’s feet. Petyr's face shows shock and complete horror. Tormund laughs uproariously.]

[[Director’s cut Outtakes - Petyr is wearing different clothes, his hands on his hips as he faces someone off-camera, the Pit Stop mat behind him. “Are we sure the mat is clean? I’m not going near it unless it’s been sanitized properly.” We hear mumbling from off-camera. “None of it even got in my mouth, Varys, so fuck off. ” More mumbling. “What do you mean ‘turn around’, that doesn’t make an- oh. I didn’t hear your taxi approach.”  Petyr turns to face the mat and we see Arya and Tyene waiting. Petyr looks around them, towards the street. He looks left and right, confused. “Where is your taxi?” The girls look at each other and smile.]]

[Camera cuts to Petyr standing just behind the mat, facing Arya and Tyene.]

Petyr - Arya and Tyene, you are team number… four!  [The girls face each other and nod, disappointed.]

Petyr - Now, Tyene, how do you feel about today’s challenges? Were they difficult for you as someone from the South?

Tyene, nodding - Yes, I wouldn’t have gotten through it without Arya.  

[Petyr nods his head absentmindedly, looking down at the mat suspiciously.]

Petyr, distractedly - Yes, yes. That’s great, wonderful.. for you. [He squints, bending over slightly to look closer at the mat, his face cringing.]

[Camera cuts to Gendry and Podrick’s arrival. Petyr is standing on the mat wearing a third set of clothing as they approach.]

Petyr - Gendry and Podrick, you guys are team number… five!  

[Podrick and Gendry look at each other, relieved.] 

Podrick, nonchalantly - Have the girls arrived? Tyene and Arya? 

[Petyr rolls his eyes and walks out of the frame.] 

[Camera cuts to Petyr as he stands on the mat, Davos and Melisandre walking up to him. Petyr smiles tensely.]

Petyr - Davos and Melisandre… you are team number six! 

Davos, shocked - We aren’t last? [He turns to Melisandre, a cheerful smile on his face.]

Petyr, annoyed - No, I literally just told you you were team number six.  [Davos turns back to Petyr.]

Davos, politely - Do you have a bucket?

[Petyr lets out a high-pitched scream, flinging his arms as he runs out of the frame immediately.]

[Camera cuts to Petyr as he waits on the mat. Margaery and Bronn get out of their taxi and walk hand in hand up to him.]

Petyr - Margaery and Bronn… you are the seventh team to arrive. 

[Margaery looks over at Bronn, a relieved look on her face. Bronn nods, blowing a relieved breath out of his cheeks.]

Petyr, wincing - Unfortunately, it is my understanding that not only did you receive help at the Detour, but you also took a taxi there when the instructions implicitly told you to travel by foot. I’ll need you two to wait out your 60-minute penalty. [He gestures for them to move to the side.] 

[Margaery looks around. It’s snowing lightly as the sun starts to go down. She looks back at Petyr, not-subtly pushing her chest up higher. Bronn hides his snicker with a cough.] 

Margaery, sadly - Well. It’s awfully cold out here. [She pouts, pushing her lower lip out.] Are you super sure we need to stay and wait? I don’t think any teams would come up behind us that soon…

[Petyr stares at Margaery's chest. It’s enclosed in a puffy jacket but Margaery fiddles with the zipper in her fingers, lowering it a couple of inches.]

Petyr, airily, still staring - Uhhh.. no. Ah.. I think that uh.. It would be fine. 

[[Director’s cut Outtakes - We hear mumbling from off-screen. Petyr angrily snaps. “Oh fuck off, Varys! You have me stuck in this frozen fuckhole, I’m going to do what I want!” He turns back to Margaery with a smarmy smile on his face.]

Petyr, smiling - No, I think you guys are fine. You’re officially checked in. Congratulations, Team number seven!  [He reaches out for a hug from her, but she cheers and hugs Bronn instead. Petyr's face falls as he glares at her back.] 

[Camera cuts to a wide shot of the frozen lake as the sun is setting. We're following Petyr as he approaches the last team. Jaime's in his underwear, holding a wetsuit. Sarella is holding his clothing in her arms, her face miserable as she shivers in her thick coat. She's watching Jaime try to put one of his legs in his wetsuit. Jaime winces as a gust of wind blows across his naked chest. Petyr clears his throat causing Jaime and Sarella to turn and look at him.]

Petyr, somber - Jaime. Sarella. I’m sorry to tell you.. All of the other teams have checked in. You've been eliminated from the Race.

Jaime, relieved - Oh thank the gods. I really didn’t want to get in that water. 

[Sarella nods emphatically.]

 

- - -  

 

“.. one slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit!” 

The group laughed loudly as Gendry told the punchline. Most of the contestants were gathered around the fireplace in the small lodge the production studio had rented out for them for the night. 

Sandor looked across the room at Sansa, catching her eye. Her cheeks were pink as she laughed, shaking her head. He smirked, raising his eyebrows at her to see if she would get embarrassed. Instead, she raised an eyebrow at him, smirking back. He barked a laugh, surprised.

Arya wiped the tears away from her eyes. “Oh gods, where’s SnowGlow? I know Jon has some fucking fantastically filthy jokes, too. Something about a stick of butter and a ladle...” She leaned forward, looking around the room. 

Brienne looked at her, confused. “Snowglow? What does that mean?”

Arya rested her forearms on her knees, looking over at Brienne. “Their team name. Didn’t you notice every season the show usually gives the teams these dumbass nicknames?" She gestured to Sansa, "Sorority Sisters." She gestured to Sandor. "'The Carpenters'. But our teams got all fucked up now so Jon and Ygritte are SnowGlow." She held up one hand." His last name..” She held her other hand.  “..and the fire-red glow of her hair.” She put the two hands together. “SnowGlow.” She sat back, smiling proudly.

Brienne's face was still confused. “Wait so, Production gave us these names?” 

Arya sat up, her face proud as she gestured to herself and Tyene. “No, we thought of them on that last long-ass flight we had. You and Tormund are the Brawns.” Arya lifted up her arm, flexing her lean muscles.

Brienne looked over at Tormund. He grinned widely at her, his eyes crinkling. “Fuck yeah.” He held up one of his arms, flexing his impressive bicep. He held out his beer with the other hand, waiting for her to clink hers against it. 

Brienne thought for a moment, nodding her head reluctantly as she raised her beer to his, making a small clink sound. She looked back to Arya. “I think it’s accurate.”

Arya did a small theatrical bow. “I thank you.” 

Sandor shook his head. “Won’t that get fucking confusing with the actual Bronn?” 

Arya laughed, shaking her head. “No, Bronn and Margie are The Lovers. Because they’re definitely upstairs fucking right now.” She grinned at Sandor. He furrowed his brows, looking around the group. 

Damn, I didn’t even notice that fucker slip away.

“Ok so, what are we?” Podrick gestured to himself and Gendry next to him. 

Tyene cackled. “The Dicks.”

Gendry barked a laugh, his face shocked. “Wait, wait! We’ve been nothing but nice to you!” He gestured to Tyene and Arya as they laughed loudly.

Arya tried to breathe. “No, no. It’s because you’re the only all-male team.” Tyene nodded, agreeing. 

Podrick pursed his lips, narrowing his eyes at them. “That still makes us sound like we’re assholes.” 

Arya thought for a second. “The Penises?”

Gendry shook his head, looking down at the beer bottle in his hand. “'The Dicks' is fine.” Podrick nodded, widening his eyes as he lifted his beer to his mouth.  

Tormund smiled, pointing a finger at Arya. “Does that mean you’re The Pussies?” Brienne batted his finger away from her face, scowling at him as he laughed. 

Podrick shook his head. “No, they’re The PussyCats.” 

The group looked at him as a whole, most faces shocked. He shook his head quickly, laughing. “No, no. because they’re sneaky .” He tilted his head to the side, considering. “Well, and also the girl thing too. It fits either way.” He shrugged a shoulder as Tyene gasped, throwing a pillow at him. He caught it easily, hugging it to his chest as he laughed. 

Tormund leaned forward, looking around the group. “Ok so who does that leave? Sandor and Sansa?” 

Arya rolled her eyes. “Obviously SanSan, that’s the easiest one.” 

Sandor looked over at Sansa. She looked at him, shrugging her shoulder and nodding. She looked over at her sister. “From Arya, I was expecting way worse.” 

Arya turned towards Sansa, scoffing. “Hey, I can think of something else if you don’t like it.”

Sansa quickly objected, holding up her hands in surrender. “No, no. SanSan is great. We’ll take it.” She looked over at Sandor and he nodded, agreeing.

Gendry looked at Arya, his eyes narrowed playfully. “That just leaves my dad.”

Sandor looked around the group, noticing now that not only were Jon, Ygritte, Bronn and Margaery missing, he also didn't see Melisandre. He had seen Davos enter his and Gendry's room earlier, going to bed first. Sandor shrugged, looking back at Arya. 

She smiled. “I actually like your dad so we went easy on him. They're 'WhiteWitch'.” 

Gendry furrowed his brows, thinking. “Because of… his hair? And her like, weird, creepy dark thing?” 

Arya nodded. “Yep.” 

Sandor shuddered. Witch felt accurate. 

Fucking red witch creeps me the fuck out. 

Sansa stood up, adjusting her pajama pants as she nodded to the group. “Well, on that cheery note, I’m headed to bed.” She nodded to everyone, walking towards the stairs. 

Arya called out after her, a shit-eating grin on her face. “Expect to do much sleeping with two people fucking in your room?” 

Sansa turned to face her. “And how do you know they aren’t in Sandor and Bronn’s room?" She put a hand on her hip, tilting her head to the side with her eyebrows raised. "Listening in at the door again?” 

Arya scoffed, offended. “I didn’t even have to!” She gestured upstairs. “Anyone walking down the hallway can hear her shrieking like a banshee. I don’t know what Bronn is doing in there but Margaery is having a good time, for suuuure.” She waggled her eyebrows as she leaned back, her face smug. Sansa groaned, dropping her arms to her sides as she rolled her head backward, annoyed.

“You can have Bronn’s bed in our room. Obviously he won’t be needing it.” Sandor stood up, gesturing upstairs, cringing when he heard a faint thump-thump-thump sound. He walked over to the base of the stairs, looking over at Sansa expectantly.

Sansa narrowed her eyes playfully as she walked over to him. “And how can I trust you?” 

He shrugged again, gesturing over his shoulder. “I can just go ask the cute girl at the front desk if she has some space in her bed if you want the room all to yourself.”

Sansa laughed, rolling her eyes as she walked up the stairs. “The front desk person was a man. Feel free to go ask him.”

Sandor bit his bottom lip, trying to hide a smile. He hadn’t really been paying attention - he was too focused on getting his and Bronn’s room key so he could shower off that fucking fish smell. He followed her up the stairs. 

“If you end up fucking snoring tonight, maybe I will.”