Climbing up the walls
How many lives had passed, how many nights had passed. How many nights they had shared a hotel room?
Too many to count by now, but Die remembered every single one. 32 nights, 32 nights exactly that he had shared a hotel room only with Toshiya. There’s been a lot of nights both men shared the room with Kaoru or Shinya, but very rarely, they found themselves stuck together in one room alone. And now, after successfully avoiding sharing a hotel room for the past five years, Die didn’t really remember how they had managed to slip through with this from the others. Up until tonight. But he could vividly remember the reason why they had started their little aversion game.
As Toshiya had always been the fastest when it came to showering and cleaning up after a live, Die waited patiently for those mere minutes the bassist needed. Folding out his pyjamas and some fresh clothes for the next day, Die looked around the room. The beds were not too close, Toshiya’s bag was still standing next to the nightstand, the zipper open. Daring a glance over to the bag, there were nicely folded clothes in it, socks, some random stuff like charger cables, a book, a notebook and something like a pencil case underneath maybe? Die didn’t want to actively spy or get his hands in, but he was interested. If Toshiya was still drawing from time to time?
There had been times Toshiya showed him what he was drawing. Some quirky little figures, robots, scenes from old manga they both had read when they were little kids. Impressions of the tours, he wrote down where they went to, scribbled all over the pages what was interesting and new when they were overseas. The smell of the nearby parks, the leaves on trees. The bassist used to press them between books and magazines on the tour bus, scolding Shinya when he was bored and wanted to read something from the staple. If there was a leaf in this notebook too?
Just before Die would lose his demeanour and grab the notebook the door to the bathroom fell open, Toshiya stepped out with steam hovering around his legs.
“I’m ready, it’s free for you now.” He stated and quickly went past Die to his bag, shut the zipper close as he was already wearing his pyjamas.
With a silent nod Die turned on his heels, felt the guilty burning on his cheeks. The thought alone of what he was close to do made him feel guilty and ashamed. He had no right to just take Toshiya’s personal things, stick his nose in his stuff just to satisfy his own stupid curiosity that had been eating him up for too long.
Embracing the warm mist Die closed the door behind him, locked it. As if Toshiya would come in! Rolling his eyes over his own stupid thoughts again Die got out of his clothes, threw them into the sink to wash them quickly before he’d hit the shower. They had always done it that way and most nights it was annoying. When the exhaustion hit them, all the adrenaline was dimming down and the overwhelming desire to just close the eyes was almost unbearable, washing their stage outfits was the least favourite tasks of any of them. But right now, this decades old routine was what gave Die some comfort. Biting down on his lower lip he applied some of his brought along washing powder on the fabric, rubbed the clothes and wrung them out under the water. He kept on repeating it, over and over, the same old movements. Like a mantra he stood there, bare to his feet, sweat running down his back and face, slowly taking with it the crumbling off remnants of his stage make up.
With a side glance to the towel rack Die spot Toshiya’s black shirt and the jeans, already washed. He had always been so fast, considerate with them. How many nights had he washed Die’s clothes too when the guitarist fell asleep, drunk, with make up still applied on, his hair sticky from all the spray their stylists used up on his look?
Not even realizing how cold he already felt, a shiver ran down Die’s spine, made him gasp for air and concentrate on finishing the washing so he could get the grease off his body too. Huffing out, he stared down in the sink again, ignored the slight blurred vision.
It had been their last night together, when they had shared a hotel room. Only for them. As always, Die had drunk too much again, Toshiya had been propping this worn out musician against his chest as they wriggled out of the small elevator, Die’s steps so sloppy and slow from all the exhaustions. An alcohol drenched sigh later Toshiya threw the limp body onto the bed that wasn’t stuffed with their bags and normal clothes that they had been throwing onto carelessly before changing into their stage outfits. Die’s hands were fast to grab after the other, pulled on him. Too forceful, he almost ripped the delicate fabric of Toshiya’s outfit. The warm body had come crashing down, stopped only mere centimetres in front of Die’s face. And he wanted nothing more than to feel this heat on his lips, to taste the sweets on his tongue that Toshiya had been snacking on during their after party. He had wanted nothing more than to devour him, get drunk on him.
But instead, Die got drunk on alcohol, inhaled cigarettes, invited others in his arms. One after one after one. Too afraid to ever see that shocked and disgusted expression on Toshiya’s face again.
Suppressing another sly sob, Die closed his eyes shut, felt the hot tear tracing down his cheek. Just as Toshiya had done ever too often with them when everyone was sleeping but him. Sometimes with his fingers, other times with a marker or Kyo’s lipstick.
How easy it still was for Toshiya climb up Die’s walls, without him even doing anything actively.
The water was hot, almost burning hot as Die stood under the stream and finally washed off all the impressions of the day. Every compliment and every positive reaction flushed down the drain with his shampoo. Sighing out again, he rubbed over his face, let his hair get soaked up with the water, allowed himself the enjoyable feeling of something warm on his body. The water was almost as hot as Toshiya’s embraces had always felt. A nice memory, at least one little piece of haven Die allowed himself to rest at when he thought about the bassist when the world around him turned too fast.
Smiling dumbly all to himself, the arms supported on the shower wall, it gave a nice contrast, eased his mind. His hands were always too warm, too sweaty, too jittery. The cooling effect of the tiles was comforting and he didn’t feel too nervous facing what would follow after he’d exit the bathroom. It was late at night, the other one was probably already sleeping when Die would finish his bath time routine. With another deep sigh he leaned over the bag on the counter and grabbed for his toothbrush and the minty paste.
If Toshiya had ever thought he’d be ready to see Die, to see the real Die, ever again – without all the make up, the perfectly styled up hair, fancy clothes fitting his lean body, his so long and thin legs stretching even more in black trousers or delicate lacy tights, this wicked grin on lips along with some pretentious perfume – then he had been lying to himself for the past years. Straight up lying to his face, weaving a web of little lies all around him to keep Die away from getting closer.
Gulping down on nothing Toshiya kept his eyes locked on the screen, in his ears he still replayed the noise the shower made, too scared what would happen after it stopped. But the water stream had stopped quite some time ago already. As he had seen that Die’s pyjamas were still laying displayed on the bed, Toshiya had been keeping himself awake. In mere hopes that Die would come to pick them up, lock up in the bathroom again and change there. The possibility of him changing right next to Toshiya who would have to pretend to be sound sleep were too high. And take the risk of opening his eyes and stare at Die.
And right now, he found himself staring at the guitarist, at the belt of his fluffy bathrobe. Wondered, if he still was so painfully thin. The stage outfits always hid his silhouette from the audience, from the photographers. Rarely, when Toshiya let his mind and eyes wander around, he found himself searching for Die, for his arms, legs. Lips. When they had started out Toshiya had been unbearable skinny and Die could lift him up like a little kid. But that had changed and every time Toshiya had lifted up Die, he could notice that the other had lost some more again.
“What are you watching?” the fishing show in the tv was marginal, just background music to Toshiya’s thoughts and what he was allowed to see right now. He had seen that episode before, but he had never seen Die like this before. It was probably due to the fact that they hadn’t seen each other like this for some years. When everything concealing was off, all the emotions and that perfect smile and attitude was washed off.
“Just some random… fishing show.” Toshiya stated after some seconds passed and he felt stupid for being so easily distracted. Just by his bandmate standing next to the couch in a mere bathrobe. Bright red, a sharp contrast to his fairly bleached hair, to the white bedsheets behind him, the comfortable darkness of the night around them.
“Yeah, that is as far as I see…” Die nodded, still kept standing right where he was. Running his fingers through his damp hair, he took a deep breath, had hoped that Toshiya would be asleep so he could be alone with his thoughts before he too would find some mere hours rest. But apparently both men weren’t too tired, not tired enough to go to bed.
“Uh, you wanna go down or in the city for some drinks?” Die asked, wanted make it sound casual. Like something band mates would do. Like something they had done before when they were younger, when everything seemed so much easier. When they would have crashed the clubs in whatever clothes were near after showering, not caring whom they belonged to or if it were a skirt or a pyjama top. They didn’t care about anything back then, lived in the moment.
“Eh, I’m too tired and already in my night clothes.” Toshiya chuckled, suffocated. Hoped that Die would get dressed and leave the room, come back when he was sleeping, not waking him up. Or better, waking him up, making him angry with being inconsiderately loud and thus annoying him.
“Boring…!” an amused laugh followed, the lean body sank down next to Toshiya, eyes glued on the screen.
Toshiya wanted to be angry, wanted to be annoyed. But he didn’t want this uncomfortable silence that he knew was to follow. Every time they sat together, they seemed like strangers. There was nothing they were talking about, no topics both men were interested in. Small talk made them choke on the words they tried to form, obvious lies. Pretty lies about a pretty life and pretty hobbies.
“You’d need at minimum an hour now to get dressed and ready!” Toshiya rolled his eyes, joked, glanced over to Die. He just sat put, one leg crossing the other, the bathrobe neatly overlapping. He even had his hands folded over the fabric so it wouldn't let anything slip that he didn’t want the other to see in an unattended moment.
“Eh, maybe? I wanna look good!” Die whistled grinning, closing his eyes and trying to at least face Toshiya to not make it seem as if he just wanted him to be his company. Because he always needed company when he went out drinking, needed someone to take care of the drunken mess he’d turn into.
“You always look good!” a low groan left Toshiya’s mouth, chuckling followed. Even Die tagged along, laughed at this so obvious lie: “Go on! Keep mocking me!”
Nothing followed, their soft snickering faded out, left hollow echoes in their minds. Die wanted to fill the space between them, had always accomplished to keep chats going, have a good time. But right now, it didn’t feel right. To annoy Toshiya with senseless blabbering, to fill this room with insignificant little nothings.
As nothing came, Toshiya had anticipated for Die to say something, had hoped that he would take away the uneasiness of making conversation from him, Toshiya tried to speak up with a more serious voice: “You looked good on stage tonight.”
“What…?” Die’s eyes darted over to Toshiya, made him flinch back and stare at the guitarist. His lips parted, he wanted to repeat it again, but had already forgotten what he had blabbered so absent minded.
“You… uh… thank you?” the frown between Die’s eyebrows wasn’t making it seem as if he had understood that he had just gotten complimented.
“You, you too.” it was just a whisper, some seconds after Toshiya managed to look away before he’d end up staring holes in Die, waiting for him to grow another head or split in two. Snorting about the weird way Die had spoken, he shook his head to enforce his words: “Don’t force yourself to compliment me back. Just… take my compliment.”
Now Die was the one that snorted slightly. He let his head fall back on the arm rest behind him, stared up to the ceiling. How often had people told him he looked good, beautiful. Like an angel, like something holy. How many fans had screamed their love confessions in his face, how many women had let him know about his amazing looks, men too. He felt overwhelmed by it most of the time, didn’t know what to do with it. It felt stupid, as if he was deceiving them with all the styling and the fancy outfits. But hearing a compliment from someone who had seen every side, every aspect of him – it felt like an irresponsible act. And it made Die angry. That Toshiya told him that he looked good, that it was Toshiya who said this, that he was still able to crawl under his skin and pull off another layer.
“What, no?!” Die frowned, snapped back with a repellent voice: “I think I just… take too many things for granted. It feels weird hearing such a thing coming from you, when you… when you know me for so long already.”
Turning his head to Die who was not even paying any attention to the fishing show at all, Toshiya mirrored the frown, was confused.
“On stage, you know… it’s make up and styling and, well, a show that I do. For the audience.” Die sighed, felt stupid being so open now and feeling even more stupid for the words that were to follow. With all his might and that little courage he had, he took the opportunity of this moment as it sure wouldn’t be happening soon again. They both would try to avoid any weird rooming up together situations after this night. So why not give it a shot, when he had the chance?
“You are always so, so truly you. So much yourself, on stage. I also… wanted to be more myself on stage. That is, honestly, what I always admire about you.”
Lifting up his face, from staring down on his hands to not lose too much focus, not give any more words than he was willing to, Die faced Toshiya. There was pain and insecurity written over Die’s face and Toshiya wanted nothing more than to leave all those past years behind them and just hug him like they did in the old days when they had started touring and everyone was homesick at some point. But they had built up walls, mostly themselves, to keep themselves sane, to not be weak, to not get dependent on one another.
“But that’s just… how you separate your life as musician and artist from your private life? There’s nothing bad about this?” Toshiya grinned, wanted to lift the atmosphere between them to a lighter conversation. The mood had dropped immediately as Die had started to open up and even if Toshiya was longing for him to keep going, to talk more, to talk about himself and not about any insignificant rubbish, he also feared what he would discover under all those layers of years playing a game, keeping up a nice façade.
“Sorry…!” waving it off, grinning over his own stupid thoughts, Die ran his hand over his face, checking if not any sly tear had crept over his face, showing too much.
“I didn’t want to bring you down or distract you from watching tv.” Offering Toshiya a tired smile was all Die could do, felt even worse now, putting up a façade again. But this time, Toshiya busted this so obvious game, got angry: “You still up to go out and party?”
Not comprehending the twist, being irritated by the quick change of subject, Die shook his head, tried to mend apart the words. Would Toshiya come with him? Or would he send him away to have some god forsaken peace from Die?
And there he got him, the glitch in his façade, another layer of this wall ripped off.
“Do you still want to go out there in a greasy bar, stay up all night, come back sweaty and reeking of cheap alcohol and cold cigarette smoke, waking up with a hangover and the taste of someone else on your lips and tongue?”
Not even being able to take it jokingly or get angry, Die’s eyes shut close immediately, a hot shameful tear running down his cheek. He had no words against Toshiya’s statement, he was right in every aspect.
“If we’d have our own rooms you’d wake up with someone else next to you, not even knowing their name!”
The sharpness of his voice made even Toshiya flinch back, but not Die. He had nothing to add. Maybe, yeah, maybe he’d even laugh about it and tell him that he’d wake up feeling as used as the condom that would lay on the floor, tossed away right after the act.
“You sure know me well…” he whispered after some minutes. The tv showed some advertisement, was muted by Toshiya in an instant as he realized that he couldn’t hear Die if he kept talking so low. If he kept talking at all.
“No.” Toshiya smiled, had only aligned all aspects of Die that he was able to collect over the past years. He had lost track so many years ago, when he backed off the first time. And since then, it felt as if Die had closed up to him, had locked him out of his life. So many nights Toshiya had laid awake, lost sleep over it, playing this scene over and over again, searching for a detail he had overlooked or bluntly ignored.
“I would have liked to get to know you better…” he added, had managed to tune his voice to a softer tone. He didn’t want to scold Die, or call him out. By all means, he didn’t want to make him feel ashamed for what he did, who he was.
“Back, when you still were you. When you didn’t hide.” Now, his voice was only a whisper. Toshiya knew he demanded a lot. He had always demanded a lot, was never satisfied, took everything that was in reach with both hands. Maybe he had come off invading at some point?
“What do you want to know?” Die asked with a low voice, still kept his eyes shut, facing the ceiling, trying to cool himself down before he’d just burst into tears right in front of his bandmate. They hadn’t witnessed Die crying for so long, if felt childish. He was over 40 now, a grown up man, not some stupid school girl.
Clicking his tongue Toshiya rolled his eyes, reached out for Die. Gently, utmost carefully, he cupped Die’s cheek, tried to turn his face towards him.
“You don’t have to tell me a thing. But… just don’t lie to me or play a game.” Toshiya stated truthfully. That he hated nothing more than lies was well known between the musicians and he rather faced the harsh truth than being smiled at, deceived. Kaoru had to learn this the hard way, had been clashing with Toshiya ever too often when it came to composing new things or reworking old songs.
Toshiya could handle the truth. Or so he thought. For a split second Die opened his eyes, looked at Toshiya, searching in his eyes. Maybe not an answer, definitely not an answer, nor a reaction. But resonance, someone to bounce off.
“I think… I got lost. Somewhere, trying to be likeable to others, hiding what I like… what I really want.”
It was no secret, an unspoken secret maybe, but there was acceptance, always had been. Die was really good at not allowing himself to be accepted by the ones closest to him.
“And you think that we don’t like you for being… yourself?” Toshiya asked, couldn’t hide his amused sigh that flowed out of his mouth as he felt a heavy stone lifting from his chest. Running his thumb over Die’s cheek to wipe away another tear that started tumbling down his cheek, he slid closer, wanted to show him, that he was okay, that he was good the way he was. Because in fact, Die was too good, and Toshiya felt ashamed that he too had tried to hide things from his bandmates. He hadn’t allowed himself to try them out, so there was no such hiding as Die did, but he felt guilty for his thought alone. Especially, when the man right next to him was the one that caused his thoughts, that made his body heat up to an almost unbearable point.
“That you – “ Die’s mouth was dry, his cheeks were burning hot and his ears were ringing. He couldn’t tell Toshiya RIGHT NOW what he truly wanted, truly felt. Just because he once opened up a bit didn’t mean that he should use this chance to get everything off his chest.
“That I…?” Toshiya repeated with a low voice, trying to sound comforting to make Die proceed talking. As nothing followed an uncertain fear flooded Toshiya, scared him to his very core that he had gone too far already, that Die would shut off again and never let him get so close ever again.
“That I wouldn’t… want you?” scratching together all courage he still had left, Toshiya lifted up, just enough for Die to not flinch back, to not notice what he was about to do. Slowly and even more carefully than he already was caressing Die’s cheek, Toshiya leaned over the guitarist, closed that little distance that was still between them. For one innocent peck, for one time experiencing what had been haunting him in his dreams for so long, just for one moment he wanted to dream a little longer.
Only a gasp escaped Die’s lips as they parted. A voiceless whisper echoing Toshiya’s name in the space between them, calling after him as soon as he pulled back a bit. Shifting in a more upright position, his mouth kept longing for those lips that he thought had felt on his only a moment ago. But maybe it was a dream, his mind tricking him into imaginary scenarios. Searching for anything, any hint that would let him know if this was real or he’d soon stare at the tv again, watch that fishing show with Toshiya sitting next to him in silence, he found Toshiya’s eyes. Not focused on the tv screen but on him, staring into Die’s eyes with anticipation, heat. Desire. Restriction.
Too fast, too forceful, too short. Crashing their lips together again, Die leaned forward, let himself sink into Toshiya’s hand and quickly felt himself being pulled closer on his shoulder by Toshiya’s other hand. Leaning in he supported himself on Toshiya’s chest, panted between another too hungry kiss.
“Die… Die…!” It rang in the guitarist’s ears, made him retreat immediately. Toshiya’s hands were still holding him, tracing his arms softly. Flinching back, realizing what he had done, Die lifted his hand, braced his lips. Shameful, guilty. Instead of being allowed to withdraw and punish himself for the rest of the night and their stay together, Toshiya offered him a sheepish grin: “I wasn’t expecting THAT.”
“Sorry.” Immediately Die’s eyes fluttered, fell shut to not face any more humiliation. He was good by himself, humiliating and embarrassing himself.
“Don’t be…!” Toshiya pulled on his arms again, didn’t let Die retreat. Closing the distance once more, Toshiya pressed Die back, sealed their lips again, but this time, with more certainty and some kind of calmness. He wanted to feel, to feel Die’s lips on his, how his body felt in his arms, how his skin felt underneath his fingers, how he could press his palm onto his body. He wanted to take his time and not rush things even though he wanted nothing more than to get Die out of this bathrobe and feel him fully. As he was.
And Die was, as he usually was. The demanding force made Toshiya grin into their kiss, push him closer and slow down their tempo. Gently he nibbled on Die’s lip, held it between his teeth softly for a moment, let the other calm down. He needed time too, felt heat building up too fast for his liking. He must have been a mess anyway by now and the fact that Die’s usually warm hands were like a cooling effect on his face didn’t contribute to Toshiya’s demeanor. Carefully he let go with his teeth but only to taste him, lick over Die’s lip fully aware that the guitarist could back off anytime and nope out of this whole situation. But Die waited, gasped for air, opened his mouth and welcomed Toshiya’s tongue as he leaned forward again, hot air flowing out of his nose. A bit more demanding now, hungry for more, Toshiya took the lead, enjoyed that twist.
Tracing down Die’s chest and legs, his hand found a hook at the hollow of his knee. Carefully to not expose him unintentionally, Toshiya pulled on his leg, slid Die’s body on his lap, let his hands wander up again to his shoulder to pull him closer again. A soft smile, excited but very attentive to not make any mistakes or go too far, made Toshiya smile back at Die, giving him the okay to come closer. Die let one hand run through Toshiya’s hair as he leaned forward, kissed him again. The fingers were lingering behind his ear, hot, thumb running over his neck right over his adam’s apple.
Taking the lead once more as he feared that this was as far as they would go, Toshiya’s hands came to a rest in the small of Die’s back, pushed him further against his lap, closer, almost impossibly closer. Toshiya couldn’t hide what his pyjama trousers showed anyway already. The grinding against his erection didn’t make it any better, pulled low groans from his mouth.
“Is this what you want?” and are afraid to show, always hide?, Toshiya looked up at Die and wanted to know. He needed to know, to not go too far, to not overrun him and use him.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you for too long…” Die murmured, tilted his head so their lips would align again. Groaning into Die’s mouth made Toshiya’s lips vibrate against Die’s. He returned the kiss with an urgency that sent a shiver down Die’s spine. The exploring tongue dip that followed made his eyes flutter, his heart race. Slick, hot, so intimate and so very differently than Die had ever kissed anyone.
Another moan followed as Toshiya’s fingers slid under the bathrobe, exposed Die’s shoulder. His muscles were tensing up, relaxing again as he shuffled closer, pressed himself closer to Toshiya. The sudden need overtook both men as Die pled once again by calling Toshiya by his name like a cry for help. Because he felt helpless, didn’t know where to put this all. Experiences movements, a secure grip under Die’s legs, Toshiya lifted them both up as if Die was only a small pet in his arms. He carried him over to his bed, scattered the blanket and the pillows immediately off the mattress, laid Die down in front of him.
“You’re gorgeous…” he whispered against Die’s lips, tasted them once more before the guitarist could object. Die let his fingertips run over Toshiya’s scalp, bury them at the back of his head to hold him right there for some more kisses. Die knew what would follow, Toshiya knew it too and Die wasn’t sure if he was actually ready to let go of the bassist’s lips and let them wander over his body.
Strangely, Toshiya stopped, stroked over Die’s cheek and down his exposed chest, made him shudder at the sensation of being touched so innocently soft. Their eyes were locked, waiting for a reaction of the other one but as their heartbeats slowed down and their pants calmed down Toshiya found himself smiling at Die. Bursting out in giggles so unexpectedly over that short moment of silence, Toshiya braced his mouth, looked away sheepishly while Die covered his eyes with his forearm, felt his burning hot cheeks against his own skin, a big grin showing his teeth.
“Please excuse me…” Toshiya whispered, tried to still his chuckling. With a soft smile he let his fingers dance over Die’s bare chest. Propping himself between his legs, he was allowed an amazing view. Almost completely exposed, his arm draped dramatically over his flushed face, Die looked better than he had probably ever looked. He felt true, real.
Afraid, this moment would slip or would be a mere dream, Toshiya leaned forward again, kissed Die’s chest and slowly moved upwards with his mouth, kissed his neck, drew pants and low moans out of Die’s mouth.
“For how long… have we been holding this back?” Die tried to sound amused, but choked on his words. Years, too many years when it came to him. The coldness of the dark hotel room was washed away as he felt Toshiya’s hot breath against his lips again, one hand tugging on his arms to free his face: “Too long it seems.”
Honey warm eyes, so close that Toshiya was able to grasp onto reality for that moment. It was true, they were really here in this hotel room and Toshiya leaned over Die, mere centimeters from Die’s lips. And this time, he didn’t flinch back, wasn’t scared of this anymore. He knew it was right. So he leaned down again, sealed their lips one last time before his mouth wandered off on its own, exploring Die’s body.
He had trained apparently. The skin around his shoulders and arms was firm, the muscles contracted with every ghost like kiss Toshiya’s placed on Die’s body. No ribs were poking out anymore, instead, Toshiya felt the immediate reaction his touched caused – goose bumps. Maybe also, because it was cool in the room and the bathrobe merely covered Die’s lower region, at best. Toshiya knew of course how he looked like. After so many years together on a very limited space they all had seen each other naked at some point, involuntary for 99% of the time. The other rare moments happened when they went to an onsen together, Kaoru and Kyo declining in a friendly way due to the tattoos. Die’s small snake tattoo on his hand though was accepted well in most onsen, made the girls that worked there giggle and asking to touch it. Now, Die’s hand was reaching out for Toshiya, demanded his attention. Pressing a kiss into Die’s palm as a silent promise, Toshiya slipped further down, pressed more and more kisses on his stomach, noticed the twitching and moving.
Placing his hands on the belt of the bathrobe, Toshiya glanced up again, searched for a hint that would tell him how Die felt about this.
“Are you okay with this, Die?” Toshiya asked as he watched the other man breathing in and out calmly. An amused snort followed, Die got up on his elbows, lifted one leg to nudge his knee against Toshiya’s body: “It’s the waiting.”
Of course. Both hated to wait, always were too eager and jumped head forward into any new situation that came along the way. But right now, a little more waiting felt right.
“We’ve waited for so long, there’s no need to rush things now.” Toshiya fluted, dared to lift Die’s leg and press a hot kiss on the inner side of his calf, pulling a low moan from Die’s lips.
“You’ve always been so patient.” Die panted, let himself sink back into the mattress, waited for Toshiya open the belt, shift the last layers of fabric off his body. Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous and Toshiya couldn’t restrain himself from running his tongue straight from Die’s thigh up to his hipbone, sending shivers down both their spines.
“Bear with me…” his voice was coarse, arousal made him close his eyes, nudge his face against Die’s skin. It took all his restraint to not directly go for it, but Toshiya wanted to take his time, wanted to give Die time to make him stop if he was going too far. Toshiya, and the others too, knew about various mishaps and situations where Die got hurt, physically and emotionally. People hadn’t always been nice to him, demanded more than he was willing to give.
Following down the path he had just explored with his tongue, Toshiya went further, shifted towards the end of the bed. Those long legs, unimaginable how good they looked like in tights or leather trousers when he was allowed to see them as they were. Bare, sleek, thin and so endlessly beautiful. Everything about Die was beautiful, even the soft moans that were breaking free from his mouth.
With every kiss that Toshiya placed on his body he felt like unfolding another layer, being allowed further. Crawling back onto the bed again he was satisfied for at least a little amount. Goose bumps were covering Die’s body, making Toshiya smile softly as he dragged his palms up his legs until he reached his hip bones again. Beautiful, to the very aspect of his being. Toshiya couldn’t hold back his desire to really taste Die, was aroused be the reaction he was able to create with only kissing Die’s body. Licking his lips a last time before bowing down, Toshiya looked up to Die once more, spot a relaxed expression, closed eyes, lips parted to not muffle any groans that immediately flowed out of his mouth as Toshiya took in his length.
It was more experimenting than really knowing what Toshiya was doing, had never done this before, only received and even that was more years ago than he could really remember. But the more moans filled the space between them, the more confident Toshiya got, used a little more pressure, flicked his tongue over the tip, made Die cry out in lust drenched exasperation. Toshiya’s hands were flowing over Die’s stomach, chest, where ever he could get a better hold of this shifting body underneath him.
“Is this good?” Toshiya asked, retreated for a moment to check on Die. Even if the reaction was telling him, that the other enjoyed it, he wanted Die to talk, to say something. Tell him what to do. Nodding impatiently, rubbing his face against his arm again to hide his blush Die came to the realization that Toshiya needed him to answer. With words.
“Amazing…” it was a cry for more. Coarse, raspy, full of need and desperate desire. The quiet hum of satisfaction was promptly drowned out as Toshiya pumped with his hand, steadied him to continue where he had stopped: “Don’t restrain yourself.”
With that said he pushed his head down again, took Die in completely until he felt a stinging in his eyes as the erection reached the back of his throat.
That Die had always been a wild one was nothing new to Toshiya, but that he could move so freely, and especially after his invitation, was unexpected. But not unwanted. With one hand Toshiya slipped under Die’s butt, lifted him a bit to get rid of the bathrobe that was still laying under his shivering and aching body. Not letting go in the whole process, feeling Die thrust into his mouth was arousing Toshiya more than he wanted to admit. Even if it made him tear up, the sensation of what he was doing, doing with Die, was too good to stop. Relentlessly Toshiya kept going, even after Die’s choked warning that he was close. Especially after this warning. It was stirring a heat in Toshiya’s stomach. Curiosity mixed with adoration and the desire to see the pleasure unfold on Die’s face. Clenching down into the mere bedsheets underneath him until the white of the knuckles came through, Die pressed his eyes close, held his breath the second before he released himself in Toshiya’s mouth.
Heedless – he let himself get flushed by a last heat wave and the relieving reaction. Chopped off pants came over his lips, all sounds faded out, were slowly unmuting as he tried to blink into the darkness around him. Everything felt cold at a sudden. The warm and comforting hands were gone from his body too fast.
“To-Toshiya…?” a faint whimper escaped Die’s lips. Tears had been leaking out of the corner of his eyes, not believing that this was real and feeling too much pleasure.
“Die!” urgent, close and hot against his neck. Blinking away the fear that Die had only been dreaming this all, he quickly lifted his arms, felt Toshiya’s back underneath his palms as he pulled him closer. Naked, bare, and immensely hotter than his breath. Leaping forward Die searched for Toshiya’s mouth, desperate to thank him for what he had done with those lips. As his lips parted their teeth clacked against each other, Toshiya’s body bumped into Die’s. He was clinging onto the younger one like a drowning man, unable to breath while kissing him. Tasting himself on Toshiya’s tongue only turned him on even more, wanting Toshiya more. In another way.
The grin against Die’s mouth made him relax, smile into the kiss until Toshiya broke it off, let his forehead rest against Die’s.
“D’you liked it?” he asked shyly, nudged his nose against Die’s and placed a small kiss on the corner of his mouth. The vibration of an affirmative purr against his lips made him grin again.
“Are you… I mean, would you like…” Toshiya struggled to find the right words. Even if Toshiya and Die were the talkative ones in the band, they were still not as good with words as other people.
“Do you want more?” he asked bluntly, hoped with all his might that Die wouldn’t make him ask explicitly. Gladly he wore wide fitting pyjama trousers but he would need some release soon or else he wouldn’t be able to find sleep this night.
“Are you seriously asking this?!” Die’s voice was sharp even though he was whispering. Tugging on Toshiya’s hair, running his fingers over his back made Toshiya flinch back. The cold tone embarrassed him, especially after what he had just done. Immediately he felt stupid, like a little kid.
“Well of course I am asking! I don’t want to hurt you…” he huffed out, pressed his eyes and lips shut as he said this. Maybe they shouldn’t go that far tonight, maybe they should rest and sleep a night over this all before they’d wake up the next morning regretting this all.
Gently Die cupped his cheeks, softly kissed him. Softer than Toshiya had expected after his so abrasive tone.
“I want YOU…” a hushed peck on Toshiya’s cheek as he felt that he didn’t want to be kissed. Another peck against his temple, salty sweat on Die’s lips.
“And I should be grateful that you are so considerate to ask, sorry.” He whispered against Toshiya’s forehead, pressed a last kiss on his skin. With that Toshiya let out a heavy sigh, leaned his cheek against Die, felt the difference between their body heat.
“It’s just… that I’ve never done this before… with a man.” More and more layers started to fall down like the heavy curtains in theatres. But only to reveal their true nature, no show, no performance tonight.
“It’s not that different with men, if you’ve done it with a girl before.” Toshiya nodded felt relieved even if it was so clear. There was no real difference when it came to this kind of intimacy.
“Well, it’s different what I did right before…” he joked, still tasted Die in his mouth.
“Not unlikable though… absolutely likeable actually.” He added. It felt right and important to let Die know. He wanted to share this experience with him. Pushing some strands of bleached hair out of Die’s face, he leaned forward again, kissed him with an urge that was slowly but steadily eating him up and the longer he sat there with still one piece of clothing on his body he felt like losing pieces of his mind with every minute that passed.
“You’ve never done this before, right?” Die asked, adoration and gratitude flowed in his voice, made Toshiya smile and nod.
“You truly are a talented man in many ways…!” Die snickered, leaned back again and pulled Toshiya with him. Softly he let his hands wander down his chest, up his toned back muscles, felt the tension in them as Toshiya tried to shift. He was grinding his hip into Die’s, shuddering at the friction he created by moving.
“Ts… only at what I’m passionate about…” thank all gods it was dark and they hadn’t turned on any lights because Toshiya’s cheeks felt like they would be burning red. It wasn’t a mere blush that was heating up his cheeks, but the slight embarrassment and opening up so much to Die, getting so much praise from his bandmate.
Lover. Sneaky fingers trailed along the waistband of his pyjama trousers, thumbs digging in.
“Off?” the sheer amusement in Die’s voice made Toshiya crack up grinning against his lips, clacking their teeth against each other again. Shifting his hips into Die’s hands, he practically shoved down the trousers by himself, but Die’s hands were busy fast enough to make Toshiya gasp for air that he very badly needed.
Everything Die had done up until now had been innocent, even the way he touched Toshiya, but as he directly went the way down between Toshiya’s legs, ran his long fingers around his erection horrified the bassist. He’d come in no time and Die would laugh about him in latest half a minute.
“D-Die please…“ crashing his face against Die’s shoulder, Toshiya let out a high pitched sigh, felt the body underneath him freezing to stone. The hands were gone faster than he wanted, left him feeling cold and abandoned.
“No?” – “Yes!” – “But…?”
Suppressing a whine that was about to leave Toshiya’s mouth, he got in a more upright position, softly pushed some strands out of Die’s face that were sticking on his sweaty temples.
“I haven’t had…. It’s been some time to say at least.” Toshiya admitted, bit on his lips promptly about making such a fuzz now. Everything had seemed to be so easy once they had managed to let go and not hold back and now? Toshiya started pulling up his walls, the ones he wanted to have Die crash away.
It only needed a gentle “So…?”, a soft stroke over his head, for Toshiya to open his eyes and search for Die’s in the darkness. It was comforting, he could concentrate more on what he felt, tasted, how Die smelled, all those faint notes that got blocked out once he laid his eyes on Die in bright daylight.
“I’m afraid I’d come in five minutes, or three.” Toshiya whispered truthfully. He was awaiting some sort of mocking, joking, laughing. But again, Die proofed him wrong, offered him a tired smile and felt like an idiot, unable to detach his eyes from him.
“Then better use those three minutes for what pleasures you.” Leaning forward again Die pulled sighs out of Toshiya’s throat, made him relax to his touch. A bit more demanding Die pushed Toshiya up until he sat on the heels of his feet and Die broke free for a second. He still had some lube somewhere on the bottom of his bag, a condom should be there too. As he found what he was looking for, he simply put it next to them, giving Toshiya the option to go on from here. Or to not take it. Die didn’t want to push him, so when Toshiya’s hands lifted to take the bottle, Die laid his hand over Toshiya’s. Warm, comforting.
“I’m not to talk, but be easy on you. We don’t have to do anything tonight that we feel uncomfortable with.” Die’s voice was nothing but soft. Absolutely not how Toshiya had imagined, not how he had heard him talking the past years. Was he blocking out this soft and considerate side of Die’s? He even said “we”, not implying that Toshiya was the one that was feeling a bit uncomfortable.
“No, I want you. I want to be with you.” Toshiya shook his head. Something in him changed. Usually he was so confident, Die too, but that whole evening Toshiya had felt small, vulnerable. He had let Die see the walls he had built up meticulously around himself, hoping that Die would tear them down, crumble them to dust. And now, he got scared by his own desires, by how Die gave him so much freedom, accepted him.
With a new-found confidence, Toshiya took up the bottle and spread some of the lube on his fingers. Tossing it back beneath him he lifted his other hand up to Die’s chest, pressed him back into the mattress gently. Their eyes were locked all the time, Die didn’t know if he would ever be able to look away. As Toshiya’s hand wandered down his body, traced his thighs, his thumb brushed daringly over his growing erection, eyes fluttering. Bending one leg made Die repeat it himself with his other, inviting Toshiya between them. With one precise movement he had spread the lube, grabbed for the condom, smirked sheepishly over Die’s gasp.
“Lift your leg.” Toshiya demanded with a soft tone, got the condom out of the wrapping. Cautiously Die lifted his leg until he came to a halt on Toshiya’s shoulder. Nudging his cheek against his ankle, pressing a quick peck on the soft skin that didn’t get too much attention before, Toshiya straightened himself again, asked himself if he would ever find even one spot on Die’s body that was not worth worshipping. Even now, laying completely displayed in front of him, he looked truly beautiful.
A weird kind of affection flushed Toshiya’s body, made him shudder involuntarily. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought about how Die would look like when he’d touch him in the most intimate way and as his hand slid down from the ankle he had steadied once more in the crook of his neck, he hesitated. No one rushed them, not even their own aching desire tried to make them rush through this.
Slowly and calm Toshiya’s fingers slid past Die’s thigh, pulled gasps from the other’s lips. Toshiya’s eyes began to get heavy and he wanted nothing more than to give in, to close his eyes completely before he’d let his fingers explore. Die too had his troubles, keeping his eyes locked with Toshiya’s wanted to look away, embarrassed, aroused, guilty. Afraid of Toshiya’s reaction.
There was nothing wrong in the action, nothing wrong in the way they touched each other. Carefully, taking in every fluttering of Die’s eyelids, Toshiya’s fingers sneaked further between his legs. His skin was hot, burning hot and made Die almost plead for him to stop because he thought he wouldn’t be able to bear with the sensation. He felt completely exposed, had laid everything bare in front of Toshiya. But it felt right, good.
Giving in, Die finally closed his eyes, sighed out in relieve as he felt Toshiya’s finger invading his body, slowly pulling out and then slowly, carefully thrusting in. Relaxing, almost melting to the touch, moans mixed with the rustling of the bedsheet underneath them. The aching in his core stared to grow again, created a deep hollow painful desire. Gently Toshiya pulled out again but only to add another finger, stretch him more and more. Bending Die’s leg as he leaned forward released a wonderfully loud moan that made Toshiya smile dumbly before he sealed their lips with a hot kiss. In fact, it wasn’t even a kiss, just a mess of lips, tongue, Toshiya’s hair falling in his face, tingling on Die’s cheeks.
“Do you allow me…?” Die still needed more oxygen, hadn’t noticed immediately that Toshiya had pulled back his hand and had aligned their hips with his erection.
“How… how can you be so… considerate?!” chuckling over the weak attempt to mock him, Toshiya kissed Die’s lips once more before he moved forward. His breath stuttered against Die’s cheeks, sent a shiver down his spine as he felt just how tight Die was. And how painfully hard and close to lose his mind he was.
A stinging pleasure filled Die, made him want to shift closer to Toshiya’s body, feel Toshiya’s chest against him. Pulling out, sinking back in, relishing every centimeter Toshiya enjoyed himself, lulled Die with his own moans as he kept a slow pace. Even as Die lifted his other leg, moved himself impossibly closer, Toshiya ignored the silent demand, left some sweet kisses on his collar bone. Sweat started running down their chests, some gathered behind Die’s hair. He could so care less.
Rolling their hips with more force, deep and careful strokes, hitting the right spot with every thrust, Toshiya took up the pieces of the mess he had made out of Die before. Every so precise thrust drew more and more moans, gasps and desperate non-verbal complaints from Die’s mouth. Toshiya didn’t even have to concentrate so thoroughly about his actions, enjoyed how he felt his own high mounting in his lower stomach, appreciated the warm and exciting feeling that drove them further towards the edge.
With a slick stroke Die peeled hair from Toshiya’s face, ran his fingertips over his temple. Sweat gathered on them, was pearling down his neck and forehead. One cool drop that had collected itself from so many small ones on the tip of Toshiya’s nose landed on Die’s chest. His lips parted as he felt the soothing cool liquid dropping over his own cheek, leaving a sticky trace down his face and neck.
The affectionate stroke made Toshiya open his eyes again, face lifting up to Die’s. His fingers were stuck in his hair, had pushed them out of his face with some more sweat. His back was slick, wet, but he didn’t feel ashamed for that. Not when Die was touching him like this, offering him a sloppy smile, his lips ready to catch the next kiss. For a moment Toshiya let himself go, gave up on holding back. Rolling forward in a slightly different angle showed him the exact reaction he was awaiting to see on Die’s face – surprise, desperation, lust.
Again. Picking up the pace Toshiya huffed out, wanted to wipe over his face. They’d hit the shower anyway afterwards. Die’s fingers were busy pulling him closer, pushing him away at the same time, nails burying themselves in his back and behind his head, tugging on the black hair.
Very cautiously Toshiya supported himself with one forearm next to Die’s face, could let his other hand run past his waist, down between them. Even if the friction between their bodies already did a great amount of riling Die up, Toshiya wanted to feel him again, wanted to be in control of their speed. Pumping rhythmically to their movements he heard hushed curses escaping Die’s mouth, felt the shifting of his body, how he pushed himself into Toshiya’s hand.
Coalescing into their own world of messy kisses and hopeless attempts to catch their breaths, Toshiya dived into Die, again and again, grinding precisely deep. Die’s legs clutched involuntarily tight around Toshiya’s waist, his heels pressing almost painfully into the small of his back. The gasps turn into pleads, echoing Toshiya’s name until he responded by muttering Die’s, calling him by his full name in a fit of carelessness, not knowing what this so small act was harboring.
Immediately Die’s back arched forward, head pressing against the mattress. Pleasure and relieve rolled over his body, set him on fire until he was able to let out a frantic muffled outcry. His stomach twitched, hands grabbing tightly again, pulling Toshiya closer to bury his pain scarred face in the crook of his neck. The sudden closeness and tightness, seeing Die giving himself in such a way, brought Toshiya over the edge with two more strokes and a soft kiss against the bleached hair.
There was nothing more to give, to let go of. In an unspoken act, a mutual demand, Toshiya pulled out of Die, just enough to bring the other’s leg on the side and sink back against his burning body, stilling their breaths. Their hearts were racing, pumped against each other’s chests. Sweat drops kept tumbling over their arms and faces, over Toshiya’s back.
“Rude.” Die panted after some minutes both men lingered in the afterglow, unwilling to let go even if their bodies started to cool down, were sticky. The mess Die had spilled all over his stomach and Toshiya’s hand was warm.
“What?” Toshiya shifted up, supported himself on his elbows as he searched for Die’s eyes. Only for him to find a dark smirk adorning Die’s lips, inviting him in for a kiss. Non-sexual, nonetheless hot and full of lust.
“You called me by my real name.” only a whisper against Toshiya’s lips, a ghost like kiss followed on the smile.
“Next time I’ll call you ‘darling’ if this pleases you more…” another stolen kiss, another tugged in secret between them. Only between the two of them this time. Die had always liked the faint shift in Toshiya’s voice when he called him ‘Daisuke’, had always felt unfamiliar, but at the same time it felt so familiar, so right. So intimate.
Absent minded Die stroked back the pitch-black hair, peeled it off from the sweaty forehead, caressed Toshiya’s face. He took his time to map out the features now that he was calmer, wasn’t hungry anymore.
“Next time, huh?” he murmured after some minutes, a cold shiver running down his spine, making him shudder. They should get washed and into fresh clothes.
“So bad?!” Toshiya squealed jokingly offended. Die snorted loudly, shifted his back from the wet bedsheets, hopeless. They would have to sleep in Die’s bed.
“Absolutely not… not in any way.” Die sighed, was still in such a blissful high that he didn’t mind sharing his thoughts: “I’m just thinking…”
What was he thinking exactly? That he didn’t want this, that it was too fast, that they were rushing now?
“We have time to figure our shit out, don’t we?” Toshiya calmed him down, tore him from all those dark and uncertain thoughts that were pulling him in a downward spiral already. Whatever it exactly was, that made Die reconsider, that stopped him right where he was from closing up again and retreating. He enjoyed the comfortable closeness. It neither felt intrusive nor as if he had to give himself up doing so, being close to someone else.
“Are you… are we serious with this?” they both weren’t in their 20s anymore, had shared so much, memories, time, secrets, jokes, emotions. And now, even more. Toshiya had known Die before this evening had taken this so unexpected turn. He was fully aware of how Die was, what he had done, what he had done in his past. And nevertheless, he didn’t flinch back, didn’t retreat.
“I probably need to get to know you. Again.” Toshiya stated. Something so certain and confident in his voice. Die dragged a finger along his chin, made Toshiya look up to him. Was he joking or really telling the truth? Was he playing with Die, or did he really want to…
“I need to get to know me too again.” Die whispered, fearful that Toshiya would back out now. What if he found out things about himself, that Toshiya wouldn’t like? What if he would be someone else in the end? What if all his life up until now was just a castle of soap bubbles, dreams and wishes blown into them. Ready to pop and pull him back to reality?
“Daisuke…” Toshiya pulled him back to reality. With a low hum, his so typical frown between his eyebrows already building up, Die looked over to the man right in his arms. He was still there, in a warm embrace. Offering him a soft smile but not going any further, Toshiya nodded to the bathroom door, asked Die if he wanted to join. Again, he pulled him back into a reality that felt like a dream but was beautifully real. And right.
Lifting himself up after Toshiya detached his sweaty body from Die’s own greasily wet one, Die reached out, stretched for the bassist’s hand.
“I know we don’t have forever… but – !” Die panted, choked on his own words. The silent panic that had started to build up as soon as he allowed himself to give himself to Toshiya, was now crushing down on him, taking all the air in his lungs. Biting down on his lips, Die felt like an idiot for building up those concrete walls again as he was desperately holding onto the remnants of those wonderful shared moment.
“I know.” Another tired smile, acceptance. No, this was not fair, he couldn’t do this anymore. He too was tired, wanted to accept.
“But it’d be nice to spend some of our limited forever with you…”
The grip around Die’s hand tightened, pulled him further into the room. But Toshiya didn’t move, was waiting for Die’s body to crash against him, to feel his lips against his own again. And Die was not to deny them both what they had been longing for. Not tonight. Maybe also not the following night.
Tearing down the walls