Hornet was getting impatient. “When is my next adventure going to start? It's been about 6 months since The Knight defeated Radiance and I was supposed to take a tram to the Pharloom kingdom sometime after that, supposedly to sing a song about Silk at the concert I'm supposed to perform there. But here I am, no tram. Apparently they are still fixing up for my arrival but I just can't take the wait anymore! UUURRRGH! I need to go fetch the Pale King to see if he can do me a favor.” She dialed his number on her cellphone. “Oh hi Pale King. Where are ya?”
“The Abyss, cuz I'm trash and it's like a giant trash bin. Why?”
“So anyway, I need you to make another The Knight and reanimate all the bosses that are dead so that I can go through a recreation of The Knight's adventures because I'm sick of waiting for Silksong to come out and this would tide me over. Also, please rebuild the White Palace and Path of Pain, and just for shits and giggles, place some Primal Aspid/Crystal Hunter hybrids in there too.”
“Alright, but I'm trash, and I am more comfortable laying down in a trash can. Kthanxbai.” Then he hung up.
Hornet raced all the way to the Ancient Basin and brute forced the password (which was just a simple bike lock).
“I'm trash,” the Pale King said. He was standing on the edge of the small platform that's right in front of the entrance and hurled himself into the deep, deep, gaping maw of the ultimate giant trash can.
“Oh no you don't!” Hornet bounded after him and dragged him back up to the top. “I don't think diving into the sea of corpses of clones of The Knight who died trying to beat the Watcher Knights plus a few arts and crafts supplies would feel very good.” She wasn't even finished with her sentence before Pale King dove in again.
“Oh come off it Forky!” Hornet felt like she was talking to a little kid. She played “I Can't Let You Throw Yourself Away” by Randy Newman on her boombox. While Hornet was in the Abyss looking for Pale King, she caught a glimpse of a trio consisting of a human/rabbit hybrid, a little girl wearing glasses and a tank top, and a boy who looked just like a human but her spidey senses told her that he was a robot. Farther on down she also saw a grown woman wearing strange, futuristic looking gloves that could telepathically manipulate colored cubes.
“Dayum, hardly anyone ever uses my real name,” Pale King moved his red oval of a mouth in such a way that those air molecules coming from them sounded exactly like that.
Hornet and The Knight traded masks just to add a further touch of realism and then they were off. Hornet crawled back up to the Howling Cliffs, to the shaft thingie where The Knight started his own adventure and went through the motions. After she whooped his ass in Greenpath faster than a TASer can beat Castlevania Harmony of Dissonance, he was running just slightly ahead of her, reviving dead bosses just in time for Hornet to absolutely destroy them so hard they turned into individual atoms because she got gud like that.
“Slow down, Hornet!” The Knight shouted to her. “You need to stop playing like a Japanese player. You're going through the game faster than I can reset everything!” The Knight's worries were confirmed when Hornet got to Broken Vessel's room, only to find a corpse that kinda looked like The Knight but not exactly. “I understand that you can't wait for your adventurous debut in Silksong and that replaying my own adventure is the next best thing but for the love of Primal Aspid, slow down! Also, there's the fact that the infection isn't even here yet!”
“Man, you're starting to get kinda annoying. I'm starting to wish I hadn't given you that voice box charm that allows you to speak.”
“I need to go find Radiance,” the Knight announced. In addition to the charm that allows him to speak, he also had a charm that allowed him to have a gender, which is why I'm calling The Knight a “he.” Actually I probably would anyway just because he looks more like a guy to me.
The Knight punched in the password to the Abyss and found Radiance in there, playing Hollow Knight on her Switch, trying to beat the Pantheon of Hallownest with the delicate flower and while playing with her teeth.
“All this time I've been in here and I still can't get past Vengefly King playing like this, but I will one day get to Absolute Radiance, mark my words.”
“Hey Radiance. Sorry about the Hollow Knight ripping your face open and I'm sorry for stabbing you with my nail a shit ton as well as pelting you with black jack-o-lanterns making the OoO face.”
“Don't worry about it. It's okay. Everybody makes mistakes.” The Knight was beginning to find Radiance attractive. Her floof was just so perfectly soft. Like touching a black cat. He wasn't sure anymore if he wanted Hornet to get far enough to get to the point where she had to slay this floofy, sexy moth.
“Wanna get some coffee later?”
“Sure!” Radiance agreed. Think about who you think is the best female singer you've ever heard. Radiance's voice sounds like whoever you just imagined.
They climbed out of the Abyss (they didn't suffer any strains from ascending) and rode a stag up to Dirtmouth and entered one of the shops.
“Sigh, bapanada,” the bapanada lady greeted apathetically.
“Me and my girlfriend would like some coffee.” The Knight ordered, and then paid for the both of them.
While at their coffee date, they made some casual conversation.
“You know how everyone calls me The Knight? Well, that's not actually my real name. My name is Grandpappy Cardington.”
“That's funny cuz my real name isn't The Radiance. My real name is Burgyturd Cuflurfulstink. Likewise, I have never, ever told anyone this, but I know I can trust you with my little secret.”
“Likewise,” The Knight agreed.
“I gotta say, you're so much better than the last guy I dated. You can actually speak. My last boyfriend never ever said anything other than “Vellamy Artrid.” Like what the Abyss does that even mean?” The Knight immediately knew who she was talking about just from that bit of Simlish. He imagined what Radiance would look like in a swimsuit. Then he imagined what she would look like in a strapless dress. Then he imagined what she would look like in a cold shoulder top. Then he imagined what she would look like in a “Hermione has forgotten how to dance” shirt. Then he imagined-
“Oh my fucking Primal Aspid, I just remembered something. I don't like coffee. I prefer orange juice. Also, I just remembered that I have tested positive for COVID-19.”
“You could have told me that before our date,” The Knight scolded in anger. “Now I probably have it too! Primal Aspid dammit girl!” Then a switch flipped in his cute little brain. “Hey Burgyturd, could you spit in the orange juice and rub some on everybody in Hallownest? I need to bring an infection in there so that Hornet can defeat the Broken Vessel.” Suddenly he was fine with the idea of Hornet defeating Radiance.
Bored because there was no boss to fight yet, Hornet started playing Black Mesa's Xen chapters in docked mode on her Switch when Radiance bumped into her. What was she doing here?
“Oh hai Hornet. So The Knight, who is apparently known as Grandpappy Cardingdon, was telling me about how he ditched all his upgrades, mask shards, and vessel fragments so you could have a shot at finding them all as well as reviving all the dead bosses so you could beat them.”
“Yes, that's more or less correct,” Hornet confirmed.
“Speaking of which, I need to go cough on the Hollow Knight so I can give him the coronavirus and then invade his mind. I've been running all over Hallownest coughing on random bugs to give them the infection.”
“Primal Aspid speed,” Hornet said.
“I tested positive for coronavirus,” Radiance said proudly. She then coughed in a Mimikyu's face. “And now you have it too. Soon your whole kingdom will be sick with COVID-19!” YES! Now she could fight Broken Vessel!
When The Knight descended into the Forgotten Crossroads it was now covered in orange juice and orange party balloons. Was it someone's birthday? The words Infected Crossroads floated in midair for a moment.
Despite coming very obviously less than 6 feet away from every bug and blob of orange juice, The Knight somehow didn't feel any symptoms. He also didn't feel asymptomatic either. “Oh snap, I just remembered, I’m immune since I accidentally poked myself with my own nail one time. I gotta reconcile with Radiance. I hope she gives me another chance.” He got a text from Hornet telling him that she slayed the Broken Vessel and is now on her way to Kingdom's Edge.
“But that’ll have to wait since I need to hurry hurry hurry for our rematch now that she has the monarch wings!” The Knight ran at breakneck speed through City of Tears, telling random great husk sentries that the fat acceptance movement sucks and that they should git gud at losing weight.
“Ha ha, you lose, The Knight,” Hornet laughed after her 12 second victory against The Knight. “Also, how's that voice box charm I gave you as a reward for defeating Radiance working out?”
“Bapanada,” The Knight sighed.
“Oh, snap. I think it must have somehow gotten accidentally switched to Simlish mode. Sit on a bench so you can configure it to English, kay?”
“SHAAA!” Said The Knight, and then he dashed away in a westward direction. They were in the northern part of Kingdom's Edge.
“I hope The Knight didn't feel too much pain when he peeled the King's mark off of himself so I could take it so I can go into the unknown,” Hornet said to herself.”
Hornet went to the bottom of the Abyss. “I am such a terrible singer. I don't want anyone to hear my pitiful excuse of a singing voice but I like singing. The game I'm about to star in isn't called Silksong for nothing.” She turned left and entered the room with the discarded jack-o-lanterns making the OoO face. She cleared her throat and started singing.
“INTO THE UNKNOWN! INTO THE UNKNOWN!” Hornet sang louder than the bapanada lady's sigh. She sounded like nails on a blackboard. Actually I don't wanna insult nails on a blackboard. I'm sorry nails on a blackboard for comparing you to Hornet's atrocious singing that could one-hit kill Nightmare King Grimm. While she was singing, a darkness overcame her, and then before she knew it, she was equipped with the Abyss Shriek. And then a realization struck her.
“I think I might be void but I'm not sure. I kinda wanna test this theory.” She stabbed herself with her needle several times until she died. Sure enough, she teleported back to the last bench she sat at. “YES!” She whispered. But oh noez, she had no moneyz. She returned to the abyss, pointed a gun at her shade, and fired the heck out of that boi. Her shade returned to her body before it realized anything happened.
When she finally got to the Hollow Knight's lair, there was a long dinner table with a birthday cake. The walls were smeared with orange juice and orange party balloons. I guess orange was Hollow Knight's favorite color?
A chorus of bugs was singing “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear John. Happy birthday to you. And many more.” John. So that was Hollow Knight's real name. There were 21 birthday candles on his birthday cake. The Hollow Knight tried to blow out the candles. But he had trouble breathing, so the flames on the candles stayed put.
“Oh no! I'm too sick to have a birthday!” He drank glass after glass of orange juice. “Since this is spiked with alcohol it should hopefully kill the virus.” The Hollow Knight screamed in frustration when the alcoholic orange juice didn't kill the coronavirus. Hornet took this as a signal to start the battle since it sounded like a battle cry.
She was fighting the Hollow Knight now. The Hollow Knight was stabbing himself, trying to stab the coronavirus that, because he had an underlying health condition, would make its orange juice more public to the world.
“What are you doing? That's no way to get rid of a virus!”
“This needle is a vaccine!” The Hollow Knight said weakly. “I'm not trying to stab myself. I'm trying to vaccinate myself since almost everyone here in Hallownest is an anti-vaxxer!”
“I gotta go have a word with Forky,”
“Who's Forky?” The Hollow Knight asked.
“Oh, did he not tell you even tho you're his son? Forky is Pale King's real name!”
“Primal Aspid dammit!” The Hollow Knight screamed. “He's been keeping secrets from me!” Since she didn't have the black charm thingie yet, she didn't have anyone to tell her to GIT GUD, so she ended up defeating The Hollow Knight by curing him of COVID19. But she didn't get to the heart of the infection, so she had to lick the Hollow Knight so she could get it herself and absorb the infection (since she’s void) so she could keep everyone else from getting it as well as get the first ending, and therefore had no time to give Pale King a piece of her mind.
Then she SHIFTed to before challenging the Hollow Knight. If you've never played Zero Escape and don't know what SHIFTing is, her mind jumped to another version of herself from an alternate timeline, one that hadn't beaten the Hollow Knight yet. She hadn't yet beaten Traitor Lord either in this timeline, so she had to go do that to get one half of the white thing. She even killed Cloth and beat Traitor Lord by herself just to prove how badass she was.
Next on her hitlist was Hive Knight. After tediously battling through endless waves of ping pong ball bees that were probably part of the fat acceptance movement, she finally reached The Hive Knight's lair. Right after the Hive Knight did its battle cry, but before it could make the first move, a giant bug that looked kinda like the Hive Knight but much bigger and more intimidating dropped down from above, bit off the Hive Knight's head and then did its battle roar. The words “Murder Hornet” hovered in mid-air for a moment before disappearing. And then 12 seconds into the fight Hornet died, and because she is most definitely void, she produced a shade so she can try again. Once she could actually last long enough in the fight she realized that the music playing was a heavy metal remix of Decisive Battle. Strange. This boss wasn't in The Knight's playthrough. I'm void. I can do this.
She remembered one time when she was a spectator in the Colosseum of Fools watching The Knight fight three Nightmare King Grimms, Absolute Radiance, Pure Vessel, and Grey Prince Zote all at once with Primal Aspids endlessly spawning. Also he was constantly downward slashing off a floor covered in buzzsaws, with his eyes closed. Showoff. The Knight eventually came out on top, with all of his masks intact. And by “all his masks” I mean “just the one mask because he only had 1 hitpoint by default and also he was on a steel soul run.”
After Hornet got farther in the fight than she ever had before, dying more times than she could count, the Murder Hornet eventually checked its watch. “Oh snap, I just remembered, I have to appear in a Coyote Peterson video. Also, why is your name Hornet? You're not even a hornet. In fact, you look more like a spider to me. Who in their right mind would name a spider Hornet? That’s false advertising. That would be like calling a hamster-like creature that’s from Peru a guinea pig.” And then the Murder Hornet exited stage left. She got Hiveblood.
Ha ha ha, now I can do White Palace even tho I probably still could have done it before without Hiveblood.
The rest of the hive was filled with decapitated Hivelings, Hive Soldiers, and Hive Guardians. Did the Murder Hornet also do this? Coyote Peterson, where had she heard that name before? And then she remembered that one time when he was at Dirtmouth, with a Furious Vengefly being restrained in forceps.
"I'm Coyote Peterson and I'm about to enter the splodey zone with the Furious Vengefly. Here we go," he had said.
Pale King killed every bug in Hallownest and every time he did that, he sat on a bench to make all the enemies respawn, and then did it all over again until he had millions of Geo.
“Who needs jobs when killing bugs gives me Geo. I bet all those pathetic humans on the surface who got furloughed from their normal jobs due to coronavirus wish they could earn money by killing bugs.” He took a trip to Dirtmouth.
“Sigh, bapanada,” the bapanadad lady said when Forky walked into her shop.
“I'd like about 10,000 of those buzzsaws,” Forky requested. The Bapa Nada lady's eyes popped out of their sockets, then sold them as per request.
Forky spent the next several months rebuilding his White Palace, and it wouldn't have taken quite as long if he didn't have an affinity for throwing himself down bottomless pits and Hornet having to rescue him.
After leaving Kingdom's Edge, Hornet decided to check out the rebuilt White Palace. “Hi The Knight's mom,” she waved to one of the many buzzsaws in the White Palace. Eventually she got to where she had to take a detour. Said detour led to the Path of Pain.
“I don't remember this part being mandatory, but okay.” The Path of Pain was populated with Primal Aspids and Primal Aspid/Crystal Hunter hybrids. At the end of the Path of Pain she fought 2 Pure Vessels at once. And then after that was a movie theater at the end. She sat down and then the movie started. Some clips of the Hollow Knight and the Pale King having father son moments, doing stereotypical activities like playing baseball and going out hunting. And then the camera zoomed out to reveal a little human girl with tanned skin also playing with a figure that looked like a purple and neon green astronaut with thin wings that didn't look like they should be able to fly, a cowboy with a pullstring, and another cowboy who was probably a female. And then they were in something that looked like a tram, and the Pale King jumped out the window and the cowboy was chasing after him. The Pale King also threw himself into a bunch of trash cans. So that's why he was so insistent on throwing himself into the Abyss. And then Pale King got kidnapped by Slappy from Goosebumps and the cowboy had to go rescue him but he ended up donating one of his internal organs. The Pale King decided that no more would he be the victim so he bought thousands of buzzsaws because he was romantically attracted to them. He had to protect his fragile form somehow. Pipe cleaner arms and gum attached feet couldn't hold up forever.
Eventually she got up to the Pale King's throne and now she had the other half of her white thing. She then made her way over to the Abyss.
“Hey Forky,” she said passively when she passed by him. When she got to the bottom of the abyss, a sign read “in order to turn your white charm black, you must defeat the Pale Lurker, get a key, go to Godhome, and beat Pantheon of Hallownest.”
“I don't remember the Pantheon of Hallownest being mandatory either, but okay.”
When she got to the Pale Lurker's lair, The World Revolving from Deltarune was playing in the background. “Chaos chaos. I can do anything,” the Pale Lurker said.
Now she was fighting in the Pantheon of Hallownest. Just as she figured, Murder Hornet was fought instead of Hive Knight. During the Watcher Knights round, instead of fighting them one or two at a time, she had to fight all 6 at once.
After she beat Absolute Radiance, she breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay, now that I’ve gotten Pantheon of Hallownest out of the way, I can actually turn my MacGuffin black.”
She returned to the bottom of the Abyss, but the sign now read “I’m sorry Hornet, not yet. I just remembered, after clearing Pantheon of Hallownest, you must do the Pantheon of Kind of Crazy.”
“I don’t remember the Pantheon of Kind of Crazy being mandatory but okay.” Hornet went back to Godhome and entered the Pantheon of Kind of Crazy, where she had to fight Atomic radiance, Ultimatum Radiance, Any Radiance, Traitor God, Royal Dreamer, Pale Prince, Pale Champion, Daughter of Hallownest, Nightmare God Grimm, Lost Lord, Nailmasters, Tribe of Battle, and Gods of Battle back to back. Even tho there were fewer bosses, it was still much harder than Pantheon of Hallownest, but eventually she came out on top. But she still couldn’t progress just yet.
The sign at the bottom of the Abyss now read “I’m sorry Hornet, not yet. I just remembered, after clearing Pantheon of Kind of Crazy, you must do the White Palace all over again except this time you have to do it blindfolded while playing with your teeth.”
“Oh screw it, I gotta find a way to sequence break. I can just tell the powers-that-be are actively attempting to move the goalposts constantly beyond reach.” And find a way to sequence break she did. She found a glitch that allowed her to skip having to do White Palace again blindfolded and playing with her teeth by clipping through the floor. Once her thing turned black she went straight for Hollow Knight. When she beat him, it wasn’t quite like last time.
“GIT GUD!” The Knight said after Hornet beat Hollow Knight.
“Who are you telling to git gud? I AM GUD!” Hornet shouted angrily. “I'm so gud that if a complete n00b was my inner voice and was doing this blind and had never played a single video game in their life, they could still play as well as fireb0rn or Crankytemplar.
“For Primal Aspid's sake, just Dreamnail him already before we get the Sealed Siblings ending!” Hornet remembered that ending from an alternate history. So she did as told.
When she entered the Hollow Knight's mind, she just saw a sunny day with the sun in the background. The word “challenge” floated in mid-air. She drew her nail, and the sun turned into Radiance. Everything turned white for a moment save for the words “The Radiance.”
“PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! The Knight apologized to me! We’re back together. We went on more dates, including places like Pharloom and Cedar Point. Kill the coronavirus instead. That's what's making me make everyone infected.”
The Hollow Knight’s shade chimed in.
“That's the reason why we all have needles. They're not actually nails. They're needles. We had to call them nails cuz the Pale King has forbidden needles cuz he's an anti-vaxxer. I wasn't trying to commit seppuku. I had to vaccinate myself with my super long needle, but the coronavirus was turning me into a balloon trying to ground pound thou. Or maybe it's the excess alcohol consumption that I did in honor of my 21 st birthday? But thankfully I don't think anyone needs to worry about getting caught vaxxing when Pale King is too obsessed with putting himself in trash cans to worry about that.”
“Did you know that Pale King is actually Forky from Toy Story 4?' Hornet asked.
“No, I did not,” Hollow Knight admitted.
“That's nice and all but Inverse Matrix. DIE RADIANCE!” Hornet used some spells and slashed her with her nail, occasionally shouting “SINE, COSINE, TANGENT,” “You're outta your vector,” “Zetta slow,” and “INFINITY!” Radiance eventually stopped moving.
“Sohcahtoa,” Hornet said triumphantly. And then The Knight showed up.
“Dammit girl, you killed my girlfriend!”
“I'm not dead yet,” Radiance said as she was wrapped in void tendrils. Then she said “GIT GUD!” signaling one of them to Dreamnail her.
“Not you Hornet. The Knight, since he's my boyfriend.” The Knight Dreamnailed Radiance.
He found himself in the same sort of sunny environment as the Radiance arena, except this time the sun turned into a giant coronavirus that for some reason was using all of Radiance's attacks. It was also playing the same music as when you fight Radiance. Everything turned all white and the words “SARS COV-2” floated in mid-air. Since this was the heart of the infection, the virus itself, The Knight couldn't use his nail/needle. So he used numerous spells.
“Ha ha ha ha!” The coronavirus laughed in a voice so annoying you'd rather iron your clothes while you're still wearing them than hear it. He kicked the virus in the balls.
“Ouch, man!” The Knight's mind was full of hatred for this entity, the reason why Hornet's concert was postponed. The reason why the Hollow Knight's 21 st birthday party was a bust. The reason why he initially broke up with Radiance before remembering that he's immune. The reason why some bosses were examples of That One Boss. I am going to make this spiky boi suffer. Oh he will pay.
The Knight got on Facebook and found a picture of someone burning an American flag. He then took a picture of the virus, edited the person out of the picture, and replaced it with the picture of the coronavirus.
“Hey coronavirus, can we move the battlefield to somewhere else? Somewhere a little more rural?” The coronavirus nodded and followed The Knight. He traveled beyond the Howling Cliffs and eventually into a home lavishly decorated with Confederate flags. Three people were sitting on the porch. Two of them were wearing one of those politically incorrect American T-shirts that you might find at a truck stop convenience store. A third one was wearing a “Hermione has forgotten how to Dance” shirt. The Knight knew these people. They were war veterans. He showed them the image of the virus burning the American flag.
“That guy hates America. Go do what you want to him. Anything goes.” He said to the war veterans while pointing to the coronavirus with his nail. And then The Knight grabbed a bucket of popcorn while watching the war veterans tear the virus a new one both literally and figuratively.
“STOP IT! HE SET ME UP!” The virus begged. But it fell on deaf ears.
“You picked the wrong people to burn the flag in front of!” One of them drew out his gun and shot the virus 9,001 times.
“One of my friends was killed by a psychopathic madman wearing an orange suit of armor and wielding a crowbar and you have the balls to vomit on his grave.”
“Okay, that's enough, I think he's learned his lesson,” The Knight yelled. He forcefully grabbed the virus before it could get shot more times. Just when the virus thought it was out of the woods, The Knight stole one of the veterans' guns, shot the virus 9,001 more times, and stuffed it into the trunk of the Prius that was parked in their mile long driveway. He drove the Pruis for a long long time until he drove somewhere where no one ever thought you could just simply take a car to.
“Hello, welcome to hell!” The devil (which was actually Nightmare King Grimm) greeted. The Knight pulled the virus out of the trunk and did something to the virus that even left the devil appalled.
“Oh my No God, even I'm not that evil. Stop it at once! He doesn't deserve that!” IDK what this thing that The Knight did is, so Imma leave it to your imagination, and it's best that I do cuz it's horrible enough that just reading about it would make your brain break itself out of your skull and fly a spaceship to the nearest black hole. “Just watching you do that to the coronavirus is making me wanna accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior and start going to church!” The Devil clasped his hands together in prayer. “Dear Lord, I humbly accept Jesus as my Savior so I can be saved and I hereby repent of my sins. Amen.” The Knight still kept on doing whatever thing to the coronavirus. The damned souls were watching and as horrible as they were being treated since it's hell, they were still thankful that they didn't nor will ever have to endure anything like whatever The Knight was doing to the coronavirus. The Knight then eventually released the virus from its torment and dropped it into hell. The virus felt the sweet relief of eternal damnation, thankful that it no longer had to endure The Knight's torture. As the expression goes, the virus had jumped out of the fire into the frying pan.
The Knight awoke next to Radiance.
“Thank you Grandpappy Cardington for curing COVID-19! Just when I thought you couldn't get any more sexier.”
“Yay, now I can do my Silksong concert now at Phantoon, I mean Pharloom!” Hornet rejoiced.
“In a gadda da vida honey. Doncha know that I'm lovin' you. In a gadda da vida baby. Doncha know that I'll always be true. Oh won't you come with me and take my hand. Oh won't you come with me and we'll walk this land.” Among the audience were The Knight and Radiance and their larvae.
17 minutes later...
“ Primal Aspid dammit I just remembered, there's something I'm forgetting. Scuse me for a moment.” Hornet SHIFTed back to the Dream No More ending. She had to time this perfectly right or this fanfic would be all for naught.
“GIT GUD,” she said. And then the very last frame of this story was The Knight holding up Hornet's skirt and inspecting.