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The tale of the Dwarven hiccups (oneshot)

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The Tale of the Dwarven hiccups

AN: In my defense, I was tipsy and being spurred on by a probably equally tipsy Harrypanther. Things happened that evening O_O *looks at the random Porg that shouldn’t even be in this fandom*

AN2: While writing this I consumed a large amount of Sake. You have been warned.

The nights were long and cold. Colder than they ever were in the Shire and Bilbo bundled up on his bedroll. They had made camp not long after descending the Carrock and they were near the river Anduin according to Gandalf. Bilbo took the opportunity to bathe as did the Dwarves. This far up north the water was cold and the Hobbit shivered as he reached for his clothes. Even the Dwarves had been somewhat subdued in their exuberance when hitting the chilly water.

Bilbo grimaced and thought it terribly improper to wear the same dirty clothes again but here on the road what was he to do. It was also a relief to him that there were no other judgemental Hobbit eyes on his person. He got enough of that in the Shire and the Dwarves didn’t seem to care.

Once everyone had bathed they settled down in a cave for dinner which consisted of stew and two hares Kili had caught. That was rather amusing to watch Bilbo had thought. The young dwarf had run into the hares purely by accident. The animals had retreated in a burrow under one of the trees and Kili had dived in after them only to get stuck. It had taken both Dwalin and Fili tugging at his squirming legs to get him free.

The Dwarves were a rowdy bunch tonight. Fili embarrassing Kili about getting stuck, Gloin regaling Bombur with tales of son Gimli and Bombur doing the same with stories of his children. Ori was furiously scribbling something in his thick book while Dori had brought out the wine that had miraculously survived in his pack. Bofur and Nori were well into their pipeweed as was Gandalf. The wizard sat on a smooth rock a bit further from the Company and as Bilbo brought him his stew he suddenly stopped when he heard it. The others in the Company stopped what they were doing as well and all eyes fell on Thorin who in turn glared.

“Was that a…” Bilbo didn’t get to finish the sentence as Thorin let out another hiccup.

“I didn’t know Dwarves got hiccups,” Bilbo muttered but Gandalf heard him anyways. “Well, with them saying they don’t get sick and all….”

“Aye, they do but it is embarrassing for them.” The wizard replied as several of the Company sniggered while…… ‘Was that a blush he saw on Thorin’s cheeks?’

“It means the Dwarf got flustered.” Gandalf happily supplied. “Though in the wilderness we are in right now… just what could fluster a Dwarf.” Here Bilbo thought he saw Gandalf send a knowing look towards Thorin who was still hiccuping.

“Mind...hiccup… your own… hiccup…. Business wizard!” Thorin bellowed but the shout lost effect due to the hiccups.

The Company sobered up somewhat as they realized that their leader’s hiccups weren’t going to go away magically.

‘hiccup’ Thorin grumbled while Balin and the rest tried to think of a solution. “There has to be a way to stop these infernal hiccups,” Dwalin muttered as he looked to his long time friend who was trying to keep his head high. But hiccups for a Dwarf were truly an embarrassment. Getting flustered was not the dwarven way after all. “Oin do you have any remedy for this?!” Dwalin then asked in a gruff voice.

The only dwarf to use an ear trumpet leaned in closer to say “No this is not hereditary!”

“I said remedy not hereditary!” Dwalin grumbled just as Fili and Kili spoke up that they knew of a way.

“What… hiccup… is it…..” Thorin asked as he sat down on a rock with resignation.

“Amad used to say that to stop hiccups you’d need to pull on your tongue,” Fili stated and all watched Thorin for the verdict.

“I am… hiccup… not… hiccup… pulling my tongue!” Thorin muttered as he was skeptical of his sister’s advice. Dis was many things, an expert of curing hiccups wasn’t one of them.

“Uncle it wouldn’t hurt to try,” Fili suggested and with a sigh, Thorin pulled on his tongue only for the hiccups to go faster. He then proceeded to glower at his nephew.

“What about laughter?!” Kili then said before their uncle could voice an opinion. “I’m sure a funny story would get rid of these dastardly hiccups!”

“I’ve… hiccup… heard all… hiccup…. your stories…. Hiccup,” Thorin frowned as he watched his nephews.

“Not this one uncle!” Kili grinned. “I doubt you heard the one where Fili got propositioned!”

“HE...hiccup.. WHAT!” Throrin bellowed just as Fili flung a hand over his brother’s mouth.

“Don’t you dare!” Fili hissed while Kili easily pulled away his brother’s hand.

“It’s really funny,” Kili continued. “Fili was as bright as those razzberries amad brought home once!”

“What happened…… hiccup,” Thorin now asked as he was curious. Fili’s reluctance to let his brother tell it just added more to the mystery.

“Well….” Kili said smugly while Fili groaned. “We were at the pub in Eren Luid when this very handsome Dwarf approached our table.” Kili made a show of it here while gesturing with his hands. “Fili, of course, thought he was going to talk to me as most do but that dwarf saddled right into Fili’s personal space and said, “You wouldn't mind if my miner breaches your glowing pit eh?”

“This of course caused not only Fili to choke on his ale but I ended up on the floor in laughter.” Kili giggled as Fili shot him dirty looks.

The company laughed at Fili’s glower but Thorin’s hiccups didn’t stop yet so Kili continued. “The poor dwarf didn’t know that he or his innuendos weren’t wanted so he continued much to my brother’s horror,”

“KILI DON’T YOU DARE!” Fili shouted but it was to no avail.

“How'd you like to appraise my artifact scepter?”

“I'd like to test your pressure plates.”

“There's no collapse in the caverns, but you and I could make some dust fly.”

“I'd like to haul my war hammer into your coffer if you know what I mean.”

“I KNEW WHAT HE MEANT AT THAT POINT KILI!” Fili shouted as he whacked his brother over the head and the two ended up tussling on the ground. Even though this brought laughter to the group of dwarves, Thorin’s hiccups didn’t subside.

Once the brothers were all tussled out Dori tried to ply Thorin with wine but it didn’t work. Bombur tried to feed Thorin more but that had less success than the wine. Nori suggested throwing knives at Thorin to scare the hiccups out of him, while Dwalin offered to smack them out. Neither of these was successful and Bilbo watched the dwarves devolve into desperation as their leader kept hiccuping.

Bifur then suggested tying Thorin upside down to a tree which was quickly refused while Bofur suggested cartwheels. Thorin did try that but mid-cartwheel he hiccuped which sent him rolling along the riverbank and back into the cold water of the Anduin.

Cold and shivering Thorin emerged from the river. The Company was silent, hoping that the cold had stopped the hiccups. They were disappointed when three consecutive hiccups came out of Thorin’s mouth while he was walking back to the camp, still sogging wet.

“What he needs is a good right shock,” Gloin muttered but all the dwarves knew that Thorin wasn’t shocked often. It was then that Bilbo, with a sigh, walked towards the others. He had enough of their remedies as one might actually kill the soon to be King under the mountain so he walked with confidence he didn’t know he had straight up to Thorin, grabbed the dwarf by the waist and dipped him while planting a very passionate kiss on his lips. Thorin was in shock, Gandalf was in shock as seen by his brows nearing his hairline, the other dwarves were in shock. Bombur even dropped the bowl of stew he had been holding.

When Bilbo was done he righted Thorin. The Hobbit’s cheeks were crimson and he hurried to stammer out apologies just as Thorin swooped in to capture his lips again.

“Well now we know what got uncle so flustered,” Fili sniggered. “He was looking at Master Boggin’s backside.”

“At least the hiccups are gone,” Kili nodded.

“IT’S BAGGINS!” Bilbo shouted once he could breathe again.

The End