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Black Clouds

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Dear Kaoru,

You were crying last night. You denied it, but you were.

I’d ask why it’s so hard for you to trust me, but then I realize that I’m sitting here writing letters to you instead of actually talking to you about the fact that I might still be in love with Haruhi but maybe I never actually was to begin with, maybe I was only in love with the idea of Haruhi and I need another drink or two or three or ten.

Was whatsherface just looking for sex? Or were you just looking for sex and she wanted more? I hope you’re okay. I know I never say it, but I’m worried about you, Kao. I worried about you during college and I never stopped. If you relapsed, would you tell me? Or would you hide it, again, until we had a repeat of college?

I’m scared. I drink too much and I make you worry and I’ll probably wind up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning at some point in the next year or two or three but God, Kao, I’m so scared. I’m scared that the only thing I could say that I knew for sure during college wasn’t actually real, I’m scared that you’re pulling away from me just like you did then, I’m scared that I’m gonna lose you, I’m scared that I’m out of control and the only person who knows is some random guy named Hiro who drives a blue car and has at least one tattoo and somehow knows Haruhi.

Please talk to me. I love you.

I don’t say that enough. Never did. Probably never will. But I hope like hell you know it.