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Black Clouds

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Dear Kaoru,

We talked. We talked a lot, actually. For a few hours. You cried, and I cried, and we spent even more hours sitting and crying until you fell asleep. Our first sleepover in ages―how ironic.

Fuck, Kao, I’m so sorry. How was I so blind? How did I not see what was going on? I have all of the notes from your consultations, just as you have all of the notes from mine, how did I manage to miss this? How did I not see the signs? How did I not realize that I needed to have stepped in for you?

I’m so sorry, Kao. I was so wrapped up in a stupid high school crush that I couldn’t even see that you needed me, I couldn’t see that I should have stayed by you instead of running away.

I always run. I always turn and run because I’m scared, but it’s when I’m so terrified that I need to run that you need me most and I almost failed you again and I’m so so so sorry, Kaoru, I screwed up.

What would I have done if this was like last time? What would I have done if I got back from Japan and you were on the floor again, only this time, I was too late? What if nobody could have gotten here?

Fuck, Kaoru, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that you were so alone. I’m sorry that I ran. It’s sad, really―I want to tell you that I won’t be so blind again, but in order for me to fulfill that promise, there needs to be an again. And I’d rather leave you and run than let there be an again.

Sleep well, little brother. I have a lot to think about tonight, but I’ll come join you eventually.