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Coitus Interruptus

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It was the sound of something breaking that made Yaz wake up in a startle. She blinked her eyes open into the darkness of her bedroom in the TARDIS, trying to shake the sleep off as she wondered if the crash had happened in a dream. She stared into the blue shadows that her windows cast on her ceiling as they passed a nearby galaxy and waited. For a moment nothing happened. Yaz had almost convinced herself that she had dreamed when she heard another sound, like something had crashed into the ground. She sat up and frowned, alarmed, as she stared at her sleepy reflection on the mirror in front of her bed. Her hair was loose and curly, since she had gone to sleep with it still damp and she was wearing her favorite baby silky pink baby doll. She heard something crash again and she decided to get up, feeling deeply concerned. She shivered from the cold as she left the confortable cocoon of her duvet and grabbed her yellow robe before she pushed her head out of the door of her bedroom, bare feet and all.

She immediately found herself face to face with Ryan, who also had his head out of his doorway since they had close quarters. He was wearing a worn grey shirt and black sweatpants and he was also looking quite sleepy and confused. He had the shadow of a beard on his cheeks that looking quite nice, Yaz thought.

“Was that you?” She asked, clearing her throat as her voice sounded hoarse from sleep.

“Did you hear it too?” He asked and she nodded. They stared at each other blankly for a moment before they heard it again, this time a muffled thud. “What is this?” He asked as he finally stepped out of his bedroom, Yaz doing the same. She was wide awake now.

“I don’t know.” She whispered back to him. “Do you think is the Doctor tinkering in the console room?” It would be the first time that the Doctor woke them up with her shenanigans but Yaz knew that sometimes she lost control of what she was doing and the TARDIS complained. She also knew that the Doctor rarely slept so it would make sense that she was messing in the console table.

Ryan shook his head. “It didn’t come from the console room.”

They heard another thud and this time they frowned at each other. “She might be in trouble.” Yaz said in a frantic tone of voice. “It sounds like a struggle.”

“I’m sure it’s not.” Ryan scoffed. “Nobody can enter the TARDIS.”

“Tell this to that time she was kidnapped by the Judoon, or the Kerblan man or the Mas…” She rattled off and he hushed her.

“Ok, you have a point.” He said as he quickly duck into his bedroom and grabbed a baseball bat, handling it to her. Yaz frowned at him.

“First, why are you giving me this? Second, why do you have a baseball bat, you’re British.”

“You’re a copper, I figure you might be better at using it than I.” He said and Yaz shrugged, giving him the point. “And I have one for times like this.” He shrugged. “Not that I ever thought I would use it inside the TARDIS.”

“Let’s pray we won’t.” She says, walking towards the sound with Ryan right behind her. Yaz cursed in her mind, wishing she had her gun on her. They walked slowly, not hearing a thing but their ragged breaths and their light steps. They rounded a corner and came face to face with Graham, Yaz thanked her fast reflexes as she didn’t beat the shit out of him in her surprise. They all gasped. “Graham!” She shout-whispered at him. Graham was wearing plaid blue flannel pajamas and somehow it was exactly what Yaz thought he would wear, if she spent any time thinking what Graham wore to sleep, not that she did.

“Did you hear the noise too?” He asked, placing a hand on his chest as he waited for his heart to stop beating so fast. Yaz and Ryan nodded at his question. “I just came from the kitchen, it’s kinda thrashed.”

“What?” Both Yaz and Ryan whisper-shouted.

“Yeah, there’s a few glasses broken on the floor and the table is upturned. I was worried.” They all stopped breathing as they finally heard the thud again, this time in a rhythmically way. Like thud, thud, thud… Like there was something pounding on a wall. Honestly, that should have been their first clue. “The Doctor might be in trouble.” Graham said.

“That’s what we thought.” Ryan said with a worried expression on his face. Yaz didn’t have to be a genius to see that both she and Graham were sporting the same expression on theirs.

“The sound is coming from her bedroom.” Yaz said and that should had been their second clue.

“Let’s check.” Ryan said and they all nodded as they followed the sound that only grew louder as they made their way to the Doctor’s bedroom. The Doctor’s quarters were much deeper into the TARDIS, almost secluded and she never used it. The only reason they knew where it was located was because the Doctor told them that if they ever needed something and she wasn’t in the console room, she would be probably there or in the library.

As soon as they came closer to her bedroom, they also started to hear some grunts and groans that seemed to be coming from two different people. Something other than a struggle never crossed their mind and they inched closer to the half open blue door. They glanced at each other and nodded before opening the door, ready to make their attack as Yaz waved the bat high in her hands. The sight that greeted them was NOT what they were expecting. In true, the Doctor’s bedroom was a mess, much more than it usually was, but it was not her usual mess or the mess that you encountered from a struggle or a fight. There were strewn clothes everywhere and Yaz could see the Doctor’s trousers on top of a lamp which was honestly a fire hazard. The Doctor’s shelf that was filled with books had a few thrown on the ground, upturned or just tossed, like something had bumped into it.

But none of those sights surprised Yaz or anyone more than the fact that the Doctor was on her bed. And she wasn’t alone. When they opened the door they had peaked a glance on the way her pale hands were flexing on the headboard of her bed – by the way that was the source of the thud as the bed rocked back and forth and slammed on the wall – as she thrust (more like pounded, good for her) on (into) someone else. Thank God, they were under a TARDIS blue duvet so they couldn’t see anything, but the motions were unmistakable and the moans and grunts and the telltales sounds of intercourse were also a tell. Yaz wasn’t sure who had gasped louder – could have been all of them but the Doctor and the woman beneath her looked up. The Doctor shrieked, turning red so fast that Yaz was almost worried she would faint. “FAM!” She shouted in a raspy tone of voice, much lower than her actual voice and that made Yaz blush too. The Doctor’s blonde hair was damp and Yaz could see the perspiration droplets on the bare skin on her upper breasts as she panted, but Yaz was glad that she couldn’t see anything else. The woman beneath her turned her head to look at them. She had green eyes, full lips that looked red from something that Yaz didn’t dare think about and curly, blonde and equally damp hair. She looked completed unfazed by someone who had been caught having sex. “What are you doing here?” The Doctor asked and Yaz directed her gaze at her again, not realizing she had been staring.

“We-We thought we had an intruder.” Ryan said in a meek tone of voice. Yaz glanced at them to see how they were doing. Graham was all shades of red and he was trying to look anywhere but at them and Ryan looked read to bolt at any minute. Yaz could relate.

“Oh.” The Doctor said and the woman beneath her broke down in giggles, not being able to contain herself anymore. “River!” The Doctor chastised her.

“I’m sorry, sweetie, but I can’t help myself, this is too funny.” She continued to giggle and the Doctor glared at her but her eyes denounced that she wasn’t really mad, more like fond.

She turned back to her friends and tried to smile reassuringly, trying to appear like she wasn’t strap-on deep into her wife under the covers. “We don’t have an intruder.” She said, like it wasn’t obvious. “Maybe we should talk about this in a moment, go make some tea.” She said and River laughed even harder.

“Tea! Like they’re not completely traumatized for life.” She said in between snorts and the Doctor was tempted to thrust into her to make her gasp like she knew she would. She controlled herself.

“We’ll go!” Graham said quickly, stumbling into his words as he all but pushed Yaz and Ryan out of the room. “Some tea sound good!” He said. “And some sulfuric acid for my eyes.” He murmured under his breath as he pushed the kids to the kitchen.

Ryan stopped in the doorway of the kitchen as he watched the chaos that the place was. “What the fuck just happened?” He cursed.

“I’m not even going to chastise you for cursing.” Graham said, as he walked over the broken glass in his slippers. “What the fuck indeed.”

Yaz sat down on the only chair that was still straight and looked into the wall as Graham started preparing some tea. Ryan came into the kitchen and resumed the table and the chairs to their original place as sat next to Yaz, taking the bat out of her unresponsive hands and placing it on the table. They waited in silent as the kettle was put on the stove, each one staring into an empty space and not looking at each other. Not much later the kettle whistled and as Graham was pouring each one a cuppa, the Doctor and her companion entered the kitchen.

“Gosh, not a surprise that you bust out on us, we made a mess.” The woman said as she regarded the kitchen. Her hair was wet – so was the Doctor’s - and they both smelled of soap, like they had just taken a shower. She and the Doctor were wearing matching sets of blue fluffy robes that had Mrs. and Mr. engraved into the pockets. The Doctor was wearing the Mr. one and the robe seemed to engulf her tiny frame, but she looked confortable if a bit embarrassed.

“I’m so sorry, Fam!” She quickly said as she started to pick up the broken glass on the floor as the woman went over to pour the both of them a cuppa. “I wasn’t aware that we were being so… Rowdy.” She said, flushing completely to her ears. The Doctor threw the glass that she had picked up on the floor and went over to the woman as she handed her the tea. The woman looked completely amused and unashamed, the complete opposite of the Doctor.

“We’re sorry for waking you up.” The woman said as she sipped her tea calmly. “The Doctor can get a bit excited.” She said with a smirk into her mug and the Doctor gasped, almost choking on her drink.

“RIVER!” She whispered at her.

“What? I’m not lying!” River said with a shrug.

“I’m sorry, but who are you?” Yaz asked, not being able to help herself. The image she had saw was engraved into her brain and it would stay there for a very long time if not forever.

The Doctor and the woman looked at each other. The woman smiled.

“If you’re worried that we were sinning, I am proud to announce that we are married to each other.” She responded in a shit eating grin, clearly teasing and taking great pride in it.

The Doctor was going to chastise her again but thought better of it and just rolled her eyes. “Fam, meet Professor River Song, my wife.” River waved at them.

“For real?” Ryan asked at the same time Yaz and Graham shouted:


“Yes, for real. She isn’t joking.” The Doctor nodded. She seemed more grounded now, almost managing to look them in their eyes. “I’m sorry you had to see that, it won’t happen again.” She said.

“At least not anywhere you can hear or see it again.” River completed with a wink. “Unless you’re into it, then I’m all up for it.” Yaz thought she was imagining it but she could swear that River had winked again directly at her.

“Ignore her.” The Doctor rolled her eyes but she was flushing. “Now that everything’s settled we should go to bed.” River opened her mouth to make another innuendo but the Doctor raised a finger in the air. “Don’t you dare!” River merely smirked. “Have a good night.” The Doctor said as she walked away from the kitchen, leaving her empty mug on the table.

“I’m not sure you’ll be able to sleep again today, so on the third deck has a big TV room with every movie and tv show from Earth.” River said as she also placed her mug on the table and went after the Doctor.

Yaz, Graham and Ryan looked at each other for a moment before Graham sighed and said:

“Movie night everyone?” He asked.

“Yeah, as long as we watch just cartoons and animations.” Ryan shook his head, trying to get rid of the image of the Doctor fucking another woman.

“Deal.” Yaz said, before getting up from her seat and following her friends to the tv room. Part of her wondered if the Doctor and her wife would continue from where they left off and if River’s suggestion of watching had been serious or not… Yaz shook her head of the thoughts and continued her way to the tv room, leaving the matter for another day.