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Ylvis Saves the World 3: The Prequel, now in its final draft and Coming Soon
A SNEAK PREVIEW
"Don't get distracted. Focus on a free end of the rope."
Bård concentrated and finally got the knot loose. "Got it."
"Takk." Vegard pulled his hands free and began working on the rope around his own ankles. In order to do so he had to press Bård against the side of the crate. He was pressing hard enough that Bård finally protested, "Now you're squashing me and I definitely can't breathe."
"Another few seconds."
"…still can't breathe." Bård's voice was tinged with panic.
Vegard straightened and kicked his feet free. "That's better. I'll do you, turn around."
"I can't move because your fat sweaty body is in the way. And you're using all the air."
Vegard fell silent for a moment and then said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe I should just knock you out."
"Because you're getting hysterical."
"I'll be less hysterical if I knock you out so you'll stop using all the air."
Vegard growled, "This isn't a joke."
"Faen ta deg, I'm not joking."
"It's just a little claustrophobia. There's enough air in here, so calm down."
"Stop patronizing me!"
"I'm trying to help you!"
"You can't help me, you dark little air-hogging monkey!"
"Okay. That's it!" Vegard began struggling to turn towards his brother. In response Bård wedged his legs and back against the crate walls, holding Vegard in place.
After a few long seconds of scuffling, Vegard gave up and started laughing.
Bård hesitated. "What's so funny?"
"I can't believe you are going to be a father." Vegard laughed harder.
"Just shut up."
"We are probably going to die in the next hour and instead of letting me help you, you are wrestling me. Just to be contrary."
"I am not. Shut up!"
"And the irony is that your DNA is going to remain in the gene pool. Whereas mine stops with me. Norway is doomed."
"Yours will stop with you because you're such a timid fucking virgin."
Vegard clucked and repeated, "Doomed!"
Vegard sighed. "Ah. I needed a laugh. I actually feel better about my imminent death. I hope it will be quick."
Bård sobered. Vegard was right. He was acting like an idiot. But he was scared. He hesitated and then asked, "Why aren't you scared?"
Vegard snorted. "Are you kidding? I'm terrified."
"You don't sound afraid."
"Must be all the practice I have living with The Terror That Is Bård Ylvisåker."
The truck sped over a particularly high bump and the brothers were slammed against the top of the crate. They both swore and when they landed they instinctively braced themselves against the crate's walls and each other.
Bård pressed his forehead against the back of Vegard's neck. He was on the verge of crying. And if he started crying he would totally lose it. He murmured, "How are you going to get us out of this one, storebror?"
"I don't know, lillebror. But I have to get you home. Even a bratty little shit of a father like you is better than none."
"Okay. Here's my plan."
"You have a plan?"
"Yes. Because I'm the smart one."
Bård gave Vegard the finger in the dark. "And fuck you."
"Okay. Now shut up and listen."
* * *
The pickup turned off the highway and onto a gravel side road leading to a large farm. It pulled up to a low building with a single metal door.
The men got out of the truck and opened the back hitch of the pickup.
Billy pounded on the crate as Todd turned a key in the padlock holding it closed. "Time to come out, little lambs."
As Todd opened the lid, Billy leveled his shotgun at the inside. He'd assumed the boys would work their way out of the ropes on the long drive back home. And now it would be satisfying to see their disappointment when they realized they still had no chance of escape.
Sure enough, the boys had gotten free. But they were curled up in the crate next to each other and were both flushed, limp and covered in sweat. He poked the blond one with the end of his gun. Nothing. "Dammit, Todd, you didn't open the air vents wide enough for two."
"Guess I forgot."
Vegard groaned and opened his eyes. He nudged Bård. "Wake up."
Bård didn't move. He wasn't breathing.
"Bård? Bård!" Vegard shook his brother and then looked up at the men, eyes wild and filling with tears.
Ignoring Billy's rifle, he leapt out of the crate to attack Todd, knocking him to the ground. "You killed him! It's your fault! You bastard! I'll kill you!"
Todd threw up his hands. "Get him off me!"
Billy laughed and bent over to pull Vegard off of his associate. But Vegard struggled like a tiger, spitting and scratching at both men. Billy finally strong-armed Vegard's wrists together and Todd grabbed his ankles. They carried him through the metal door and maneuvered him down a short flight of cement stairs, grunting with effort as Vegard writhed and cursed at them. His voice echoed in the large, single room they entered. The floor and walls were cement, and the ceiling was over three meters high. The room was divided into three barred jail cells and the men carried their prisoner into the largest of the three. Vegard shrieked hysterically, his voice wailing and cracking as he cursed them with every English profanity he could think of. In response they slapped old-style medieval manacles on his wrists, locked them to a chain attached to an eyebolt in the floor, and left him there to weep helplessly alone in the dark.
The men emerged back into the sunlight squinting and wiping sweat off of their foreheads. Todd stopped short and swore. "Well, shit. Look."
Billy sighed. The crate was empty. That was going to be a problem.