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Colonnello’s Terrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day

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It was rare for Lal to ask for Reborn and maybe that should have been Colonnello’s first clue that the job was going to shit. Reborn had crazy luck, and Colonnello was just the unfortunate bystander caught in the crossfire.

A movement jarred his ribs and he wanted to flinch. He held it back through sheer willpower. He had a broken collarbone and flinching was just not advisable. He didn’t want to black out and have Reborn drag his body behind him, he’d never live it down. And Reborn, the bastard, would never let him forget it too.

“That’s the last of them,” Reborn said, voice oddly breathless. His eyes were shining yellow, an unholy light that Colonnello didn’t really like to see. His fingers were sparking, sun flames jumping on the residue gunpowder.

Colonnello nodded and stifled a whimper. Blood was seeping through his fingers despite the makeshift bandage tied around it and he knew it was a bad sign.

Reborn, looking at him with dark eyes, knew it too.

Fuck,” Reborn hissed. You idiot was left unsaid, but it echoed loudly. Colonnello would have smacked him for it but he didn’t have the energy to muster.

“I live near,” Reborn said reluctantly, sounding like the words were pulled from his lips. “Don’t say a word to the others or I’m leaving your sorry ass here.”

The threat wasn’t empty; Colonnello knew he would do it, the sadistic asshole.

“I thought you sleep hanging from a tree like a bat, kora?” Colonnello muttered.

Reborn tightened his grip. It was a testament to how serious it was that the hitman just didn’t drop him. “You’re confusing me with Viper,” Reborn said.

That was funny, even if it shouldn’t have been. Aw man, blood loss.

Reborn walked faster.

.


.

Reborn had fallen in love with a civilian woman, years ago. He’d loved her enough to be monogamous and that had shocked a lot of them.

He didn’t invite them to the wedding but they’d crashed it anyway. (Which was hilarious as fuck, he was so angry but with the woman there, he couldn’t shoot them like he wanted.)

Her name was Harry and she was as civilian as it could get, being a total homemaker.

She was a bombshell and they all understood how she caught Reborn’s eye. What they didn’t understand was what made him stay.

It was a complete mystery but it had become something normal and known in the inner circle of Vongola.

Water was wet, the sky was blue, Reborn was so fucking in love that he actually married in a church – the romantic fucker.

Colonnello had somehow forgotten that fact until they crossed the gate and a beautiful redheaded woman hurried out, an apron tied around her waist.

“Sweetheart, where are you hurt?” she asked, opening the door for them.

Colonnello felt a grin pull up his lips. Sweetheart. The World’s Greatest Hitman. He wanted to cackle, but breathing was becoming difficult.

“Not me,” Reborn answered. “Colonnello has a knife wound and a broken collarbone and Primo knows what else is wrong with him.”

He couldn’t let that pass. Colonnello mustered enough energy to smack his stomach.

“Don’t make me drop you,” Reborn threatened.

“Boys,” Harry said. “Stop playing. Put him on the couch.”

Reborn pushed off the cushions with a knee and set down Colonnello. Stretched out and horizontal, everything somehow hurt worse.

“Shit,” Colonnello hissed, acutely feeling the broken collarbone.

“Out of the way, honey,” Harry said, putting Reborn to the side. She knelt down beside him and gave him a bottle with red liquid.

No way around it, the liquid was red. It sloshed when he held it. It, frankly, looked like blood.

What the hell happened to pills?

Colonnello looked at Reborn and back to the bottle. Nope. No help from him. He was smiling uselessly like a besotted idiot.

“Drink it,” the sweet civilian woman said with a smile that was ominous as fuck. Or I’ll do something else that will hurt worse was implied.

Colonnello drank the liquid.

Immediately, he felt better.

“What the fuck, kora,” Colonnello announced blankly.

Harry produced a stick, waved it, and all his injuries went away.

Colonnello had been surprised so many times in the past ten minutes that he’d just. Stopped. Reacting.

Mechanically, the sniper turned to Reborn, who looked like he was about to cackle.

“What the fucking fuck, kora?” Colonnello repeated emphatically.

That was what broke Reborn’s composure and he laughed.

.


.

Fifteen minutes later, munching on a muffin and sipping on really nice tea, Colonnello looked from Reborn to Harry.

“Let me get this straight, kora,” Colonnello said. He gestured to Harry. “You’re a witch and you’re also not from this world. An alien witch, technically.Then you saved Reborn’s life?”

Harry giggled angelically like she wasn’t capable of killing Colonnello with just a word. “Not an alien witch, Colonnello. A dimension hopping witch. I wound up stuck. Then, Reborn was injured and I saved his life.”

And Reborn, of course, couldn’t let that go. He followed her around, finally figuring her out and also falling in love at the same time, because he was an overachieving, multi-tasking bastard.

It was so unbelievable that it wound up being so believable at the same time. Colonnello wanted to shoot something to relieve his feelings.

“I can’t believe you sat on this for years,” Colonnello said. But actually, he could. Reborn was a cagey bastard when it came to personal shit. For Harry, he could believe Reborn’s secrecy.

“It could be that I just didn’t like you,” Reborn said.

Colonnello was about to stand up and punch him when Harry clapped her hands and said happily, “Oh, speaking of secrets! Colonnello, would you like to see our son?”

“Sure, kora!” he said mindlessly, still thinking of punching Reborn in his smug and stubborn mouth.

Harry left and came back with a baby. It had curly hair and an angelic smile, green eyes big and sparkling.

Colonnello’s brain short-circuited.

It was the smile.

It was mischievous and merry and so fucking familiar that he wanted to scream.

That was Reborn’s smile on a baby.

“What the fuck, kora?” Colonnello repeated weakly. “You have a son. You procreated.”

“I know,” Harry said enthusiastically, missing Colonnello’s point entirely. “Isn’t he cute? My little sunshine baby.”

Colonnello took a gulp of tea and wished it was stronger.

.


.

Somehow, Colonnello escaped the house without losing anymore of his sanity.

“Reborn,” he told the hitman. “Never invite me back there. At least, not without warning.”

His heart couldn’t take being surprised that many times in a row.