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(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction

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The woman’s laugh was really starting to get on Eddie’s nerves. It was high pitched, nasal, and every bit as fake as her bottle blonde hair.

Still, it was nice that she was trying to laugh at his jokes, and, if the way her hand had been steadily working up his thigh as Eddie forced himself to listen attentively to her meaningless small talk was any indication, she found him charming enough to take home too.

That was why he was here in this little too upscale bar, wearing his tight jeans and phony smile, because it had been so long since anyone had taken Eddie home and he was more than ready to break that streak. Ready enough to have firmly banished his permanent co-pilot to the back of his mind, not without a great deal of protest, so he could try to get lucky at least once this year.

The woman laughed again, shrill enough to make his teeth hurt, but she also leaned in towards him her hand now almost in his lap and he decided, fuck it.

He pressed his lips to her ear and whispered, “ Would you like to get out of here?”

Her enthusiastic agreement was even worth the giggle that accompanied it.

The ride from the bar back to her ‘urban loft’ was short and full of heavy looks and bordering on inappropriate petting, and if Eddie’s heart didn’t seem to be in it, well, he blamed the double constraint of being under the gaze of the too cheerful driver and the sullen disapproval still radiating from his symbiote.

He figured once they were in private where he could focus things would heat up for him too.

He was very wrong.

When they got into the loft, Eddie slammed the door shut behind them by pushing the woman hard against it, a move that had always really turned him on. It certainly was working for the woman, who threw her head back and moaned loudly, but Eddie was just as unaroused as he would be watching paint dry.

Concerned, he doubled his efforts, kissing messily into the woman’s mouth and running his hand up over her shirt to tweak her nipple.

She gasped and pulled him closer, grinding against his still soft dick.

Now panicked, he pushed her back before she could notice. He moved to kiss and nibble down her neck, trying to distract her while he worked a hand into his jeans, trying to get himself up for the occasion.

Nothing happened in his pants.

Fuck, he thought. I’m too young for this sorta trouble, aren’t I?

If it could have, his dick would have shrugged disinterestedly in reply.

Fuck, he thought again, What am I going to do?

Luckily, or unluckily depending on how you looked at it, his mind was clear as a bell allowing him to come up with a plan.

He thought loudly, Venom! Buddy! I need you.

For a long and worrisome moment there was no reply, then sullenly the symbiote said, But I am to be quiet and not interrupt no matter what.

Eddie groaned, hoping the woman would mistake it for passion and thought, I know what I said, but now I really need your help.

With what?

I need you to vibrate in my back pocket.

Now suspicious, Venom asked, Why?

So I can pretend my phone’s ringing and we can leave!

And, if I do this, we will leave and never come back here.

Desperately, Eddie agreed, Yes. Please, Vee!

Another nerve-wracking pause, then his butt shook just like it did when his phone rang.

Hiding a sigh of relief, he broke off groping the woman and reached to grab his silent phone.

She gave him an annoyed look. “Really? You’re gonna answer that now?”

“I’m so sorry, but I have to. I’m on call.”

“Why?” she asked, perking up. “Are you a doctor or something?”

Liking her even less, Eddie crushed her dreams happily. “No, just a journalist. The paper keeps me on call in case a story breaks.”

When she still looked hopeful he pretended to look down at the phone in his hand and continued, “And it looks like a buddy of mine was a lead on who’s been stealing trash cans in North Beach.”

That did it. Her eyes went flat.

“I’d better go check it out,” Eddie said. He tried to sound like he regretted leaving, but wasn’t sure he pulled it off.

The woman, whose name he still didn’t know and now never would, didn’t pretend to be sorry as she ushered him out, closing the door firmly behind him.


The next Friday found him in an altogether different sort of club.

Reasoning that his embarassing disinterest the week before could be because his always mysterious sex drive was inclining to a different gender, Eddie googled gay bars hoping for a better result.

It had never made a difference before, he’d always been more attracted to personalities than to bodies, but he was willing to try anything if just to prove to himself that his impotence had been a fluke.

The place that had the most reviews that featured terms like ‘anonymous sex’ and ‘quick hookups’ was about as different from the club he’d been in last week as he could imagine. Instead of small intimate booths and low background jazz, this place had almost no seating whatsoever and what could only be charitibly called music came in the form of a bone thumping beat mixed with occasional and equally rhythmic industrial noises.

The moment they stepped into the dark building, lit only by strobe lights and wildly swinging colored spotlights, Venom whined, Don’t like it here Eddie.

“It’s not hurting you is it?” Eddie asked, not bothering to keep his voice down; no one would be able to hear him over the noise anyhow.

No. Just don’t like it.

Eddie sighed, “I’ll be honest, I don’t like it either, but it was this or trying a hookup app, and I’m too old and too tired for that.”

Don’t understand why you are doing this at all.

“I know you don’t buddy, and I’m sorry. If you could just,” Eddie hesitated, it wasn’t like Venom could go anywhere and, even if they could, Eddie didn’t really want them to, “stay quiet for a while? Just until I work it out of my system. I promise, I’ll be in a better mood after.”

But Eddie, we could-


Fine, Venom grumbled.

The single word contained a world of resignation and, Eddie thought, maybe hurt. He still had trouble reading the jumble of emotions that were constantly streaming from his symbiote, so he wasn’t completely sure, but, whatever it was, it almost made Eddie leave the club in favor of a quiet evening at home, watching bad movies and eating chocolate.

Only stubborn pride that made him walk further into the dark and din.

The thrumming beat of the music almost had the force of a physical assault, and Eddie could already feel a headache forming. He wished he’d brought earplugs.

Before the thought was complete, coolness filled his ears and the sound abrupted died down to a manageable level.

Eddie sighed in relief. “Thanks, Vee.”

There was no reply, and Eddie sighed again then started forward.

In the past, he would have hit the bar first and had a couple of drinks to soften things around the edges, but one of the more dubious benefits to cohabitating a body with an alien was that he couldn’t get drunk anymore. So, he steeled himself and marched directly into the throng of moving male bodies, hoping he didn’t look as old and out of place as he felt. It had been a long time since he’d been in such a club, not since college in fact, and he worried that since he wasn’t a hot, young thing anymore he wouldn’t find any interest. It wasn’t exactly helping him get in the right frame of mind.

Still, when Eddie had worked his way into the middle of the dance floor and let the rhythm take over, it wasn’t long before he was absorbed into the swaying crowd. Ruefully, he thought it was probably more because it was early yet and the club only half full than it was due to any attractiveness of his own, but he relaxed and tried to enjoy it as the touches and brushes steadily moved from incidental to purposeful.

It was only halfway through the second song when a skinny guy, maybe a bit younger than Eddie would have liked, but with a punk-emo aesthetic hot enough for him to forgive it, moved up in front of him. Looking back over his shoulder at Eddie, batted his heavily lined eyes before deliberately grinding his ass against Eddie’s groin.

Eddie had a split second to register that, no, that wasn’t doing anything for him, before a quick jerk propelled him backwards, leaving him about four feet away from the startled Emo guy, who stumbled backward too and landed on his ass.

Eddie might have laughed at the surprise on the guy’s face, but he was too busy fighting down the potent and thoroughly unpleasant cocktail of rage and misery surging through his mind.

When he tried to take a step forward to help the man off the ground, he was instead pulled back another foot, and only wildly flailing his arms prevented him from ending up on the floor himself.

“What the hell?” he asked the room at large.

The few men who’d stopped to watch the commotion didn’t answer anymore than the symbiote who had to be the source of the emotions roiling through him did.

About to demand an answer, he glanced around at the crowd and decided this might not be the place, so when he was steady on his feet, he looked for the exit. Instead, he spotted the sign for the restroom and stomped towards it as quickly as he could manage through the press of people.

Once again the early hour worked in his favor, and he found the room empty, allowing him to claim the furthest stall for his discussion.

Slamming the flimsy metal door shut behind them and sliding the lock, he demanded again, “What the fuck, Venom?”

A black head formed quickly in front of his, looking just as angry as he felt.

He was touching you, Eddie!

“That was the point! I wanted him too.”

But I don’t like it when other people touch you.

“And I do! I want to be touched, Vee.”

Then it should be me who does it.

“Wha-” Eddie started, only to be interrupted as a mass of black tentacles shot out of his wrists and ankles, pulling him roughly against the metal partition between his stall and the next one. Then Venom’s mouth was pressed to his and all Eddie’s thoughts were lost in a hot, messy press of teeth and so much tongue.

The kiss went on for long enough that Eddie’s dazed confusion might have been from lack of oxygen and not just from the overwhelming rush of lust coursing through him.

Still, when Venom pulled back to let him breathe, Eddie tried asking again, “What the-

This time he cut himself off with a groan as more tentacles started moving under his clothes and, quite possibly, under his skin itself.

What felt like a dozen phantom fingers ran through his hair as a score of lips sucked at his neck and the hint of a hundred tiny teeth pricked around his nipples.

His groan turned into a shout as wet heat surrounded his straining cock, pulsing and writhing in a way that was utterly inhuman and indescribably fan-fucking-tastic.

Then Venom’s voice was all around him and Eddie wasn’t sure if it was in his head or whispered into his ear nor did he care because the voice was dark as Venom themself and smooth as sin. You see, Eddie. I am very good at touching you.

Eddie could only whimper in agreement as Venom’s tentacles flexed tighter around his whole body.

Now, come for us.

Eddie did, screaming.

Venom kept him there, pinned to the wall as his whole body convulsed, and Eddie could only be grateful since he was pretty sure he blacked out towards the end and it was only Venom’s grip that kept him off the floor.

When he could form words again, Eddie said, “Well, that was…”

“Loud!” a laughing voice from the next stall supplied. “I don’t suppose you’d have room for one more in there?”

NO! Venom roared.

After a startled moment the guy said, “Fine, no need to get snippy. If you change your mind, I’ll be out on the dance floor.”

The door to the stall slammed open and footsteps retreated across the tile floor while Venom audibly growled and embarrassment fought a renewed wave of arosal in Eddie’s sex addled mind.

When he heard the bathroom door swing closed, Eddie gathered himself enough to ask the smirking face still in front of him, “Was that really necessary?”

Yes, nobody else gets to touch you ever again.

“Possessive asshole,” Eddie said, though the words had no bite.

You weren’t objecting a minute ago.

“I’m pretty sure I wasn’t conscious a minute ago.”

You were drooling a bit, Venom said thoughtfully.

Eddie’s hand tried to shoot to his mouth and, after a brief resistance, the tentacles still holding him to the wall released slowly to ease him down onto his own feet while he wiped at his still tingling lips, discovering that they were indeed very wet.

“I think that’s mostly from you,” Eddie said defensively.

Venom shrugged, unrepentant.

Standing there under the flickering florecent light, watching the alien he’d just had sex with somehow manage to shrug without any shoulders, Eddie started to laugh.

Venom narrowed their eyes at him and demanded, What is funny Eddie?

“You are,” Eddie snickered.

I am not! Venom objected, which only made Eddie laugh harder.

“Aren’t you? ‘cause I‘m not the one who choose the bathroom of a grudgy gay bar for seductuion.”

And I am not the one who dragged us out here in the first place when we could have done this at home.

“Well, how was I supposed to know that?” Eddie demanded.

When he felt Venom’s genuine distress, he took a breath that turned into a sigh. Gently, he continued, “Why didn’t you just say something before, love?”

You told me not to talk.

“That’s never stopped you before.”

Maybe, Venom admitted, but this time you were very clear.

“Only because I thought you were going to whine and make fun of me, and I didn’t need that when I was already having trouble getting in the mood.”

There was a long, loaded silence as the penny dropped.

“Oh,” Eddie breathed, somewhere between furious and relieved. “So, you were the reason I couldn’t- um- get excited?”

Only a little bit. You didn’t like them anyway.

“No, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to get off with them.”

But sex is important to humans. It is something you do with someone you love.

“Not always.”

But it is better with someone you love, Venom insisted.

“Yeah, okay,” Eddie admitted. “It usually is.”

Quietly, they said, And I thought you loved me.

Eddie reached a hand out, resting it against Venom’s check. “Yes, of course I do. But, sex isn’t important to you, is it? It’s was just another stupid bodily fuction, like sleeping or showering or eating salad.”

Salad, Venom said with loathing.

“Exactly. And if sex was like eating salad, I didn’t want you to have to participate.”

Venom shook their head slowly. You are so dumb, Eddie. My happiness and yours are linked. You hate eating salad even if you won’t admit it, so I do too, but you really like having sex, so, of course, I do too.

Eddie thought about that and about how he himself was only really happy when his symbiote was, and had to admit it made sense.

Venom must have felt him wavering because they pressed the point. And, wasn’t the sex better because we were both enjoying it so much?

“Maybe,” Eddie admitted.

Maybe! Venom squawked. It was so good you could only stand it for ninety seconds.

“Hey! I could’ve lasted longer if someone hadn’t made sure that it’d been months since the last time I got laid.”

Venom grinned wickedly at him. That and maybe if you didn’t have such a kink for tentacles.

This time it was Eddie who squawked. “I do not!”

Bands of black appeared twining across his arms and around his neck as Venom purred, Don’t you?

Distantly, Eddie thought they should probably talk about this new element to their partnership a bit more, maybe while safely home, but Venom’s smooth, not quite slick surface felt too good moving against his skin.

He leaned into the caresses, even as he weakly objected, “No, I don’t have a tentacle kink.”

Yes, you do, Venom replied as blackness engulfed Eddie’s whole body.

Thirty minutes later, as they were being forcefully escorted from the club for indecency, Eddie had to admit the symbiote could be right.

He might have a tentacle kink.