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Deep End

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His voice was merely a whisper. “Cait–” He cleared his throat. “Caitriona.”

Frozen on the steps to my trailer, I looked through blurry tear-filled eyes at the glass screen in front of me to see the reflection of Sam standing behind me. I felt my heart jump. He came after me.

“You’re making a mistake and ye damn well know it,” he said, his voice with more conviction now.

We stood in between the trailers. Between our trailers. They stood next to each other, just as they always had for the past 5 years. I suddenly wondered how that would change. How everything would change. Our dynamic, our relationship, our trailers standing next to each other. Would our friendship survive this? Would our chemistry survive this? Was I wrecking everything? Wasn’t our guard built around not wrecking what we have? My thoughts were running rampant and I suddenly needed to get a grip.

I looked down at my hands that had begun to tremble, and slowly turned around. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I lifted my eyes and there he was.. bathed in the golden sunlight. It beamed off of him. A metaphor for how bloody good he was, I thought. God, he was so good. Sculpted and put here on this earth, with his heart wide open and on his sleeve. Was he sent for me? Are we meant to be together? This is rare, right? To share the thing that we have shared. Was I fucking this all up? Realization hit, and it was in that moment that I felt my heart break, sinking into the pit of my stomach. My heart was racing, and I knew that if I got any closer to him, I wouldn’t be able to deny him. To deny all the feelings that I had been pushing to the side for the past 5 years. Feelings that I refused to acknowledge, or maybe I just didn’t recognize the depth of, if I was being honest. But here they were, all bubbling to the surface now.

A single tear slid down my cheek and I batted it away fast, as if he couldn’t have seen it fall.

I closed my eyes, fearing that if I looked into his fathomless blue eyes, the dam would break. And this time I wouldn’t be able to stop it. I opened my mouth, but closed it again immediately when the words didn’t come out. I couldn’t let them. Maybe I had more unconscious control of myself then I realized. I opened my watery eyes to see my pain mirrored on his face, and immediately turned around to face the door again.

I heard him move forward and felt his breath close to my ear as I reached for the door handle. I imagined his warm hands making contact with my skin. I knew he wanted to comfort me. Wrap me in his arms and calm me like he had so many times before.

“Don’t.” I said with a growl, and squeezed my eyes shut. Better to be unforgivably rude anyway, I thought to myself. If he can’t forgive you for the way you are acting, this cycle will stop. I wanted to hurt him.

Lost in my thoughts, a tear slipped out. Followed by another. And another. I gasped for air and let out a whimper. He was still standing there. Frozen. Dammit, Balfe. Pull it the fuck together. Don’t let him see you waver. I lifted my chin, and opened the door.

“Don’t you have another blonde bunny to go fuck?” I bit out, and continued inside, slamming the door in his face.

And then I slid down to the floor, and fell apart.

I cried so hard that no sound came out. My stomach pulled tight and my lungs were gasping for air. I clutched my hands tight over my heart and let myself fall into a heap on the floor. The tile was cold under my cheek and I tried to focus on it. I tried to focus on anything other than the pain that was rippling through me. I closed my eyes and let the sobs roll through me, as I watched the supercut of memories play through my mind.

Walking through Hyde Park and laughing at our ridiculous perms.

Giggling into Sam’s chest as we stood in front of the cameras at Paleyfest, and whispering “you’re my favorite husband,” for just him to hear.

Teasing each other as we toured Laphroaig with the taste of whisky on our lips.

Sam turning to me at Comic-Con. “I would do anything for you,” he said with a soft smile, as he pulled me into him.

The sparks that flew on the first day we met as we performed our first screen test.

I must have dozed off, because I was startled awake by banging on my trailer door.

“Caitriona! Are you okay? I’ve been knocking and calling you for the past 10 minutes.”

I jumped up frantically and looked into the mirror. I was wrecked. I wiped my eyes and gave myself another once over before turning to unlock the door.

“Caitriona? Hello! Why is the door locked–”

“Hi,” I said, swinging the door open and cutting Amy short. “Sorry. I was drained after that last scene. I fell asleep.”

“Okay…” she replied, giving me a questionable look that told me she was less than convinced. “Let’s just get this wig and makeup off, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, moving to sit down in front of the mirror.

She began unpinning the wig and I lost focus as I nervously began picking at my lower lip.

“I hear you’re off to Somerset this weekend! I hope the rain holds off a bit longer.”

She lifted the wig off. We sat in silence for a few moments, as she poured some alcohol onto a cotton swab and began dissolving the bald cap.

“The team is just over the moon for you, Caitriona. Truly. You and Tony deserve every happiness.”

“What?” I said, looking up at Amy’s face.

“Hello! Earth to Caitriona! The wedding this weekend. I’m trying to congratulate you since I won’t see you all weekend, you goof.”

Ouch. I steeled myself. Plastering on the most genuine smile I could muster, as the pain bloomed in my chest. It was consuming me. I needed out before my face betrayed me.

“Thank you, Amy. We’re thrilled.” I widened my smile as tears filled my eyes.

“Oh my god, look at you. Don’t you go gettin’ all sappy on me!” She stated as she playfully swatted at my shoulder.

“I just…” I paused for a moment, searching for what I wanted to say. “I just never thought this day would come,” I finished. Swallowing hard, I blinked back my tears and gave Amy another more convincing smile.

“But really, I need to get changed. I have to leave for the airport straight from here. I can manage the makeup. Are we done?”

“Yeah.” Amy said, as she took a step back. Her gaze on me lingering just a second too long. “Yeah we’re done.”

She turned to go out the door and I moved out of the chair to go get undressed.

“Oh! Hey, Caitriona–” Amy said, stopping halfway out the door. “Have you seen Sam? Wendy couldn’t seem to find him earlier.”

With my back still turned to her, I gripped the t-shirt I was holding and clenched my eyes shut.

“No.” My voice sounded weak, so I cleared my throat. “No, I haven’t seen him since that last scene. We both went different directions as soon as we finished.”

I took a deep breath in and turned around once again. Amy stood in place, giving me a small half smile.

“I’m sure he’s with Jamie or someone going over a last minute script note he didn’t want to forget about.”

“Okay, Caitriona. I’ll let her know.” She continued out the door. “Congratulations again. I hope your weekend is remarkable.”