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drowning

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Sometimes, Shuhua feels lost, almost as if she's a black and white image in a world full of color, almost like she's an ugly weed in a field of beautiful flowers. She sees herself as a heavy anchor (both metaphorically and physically) that drags down the boat that was (g)idle. These feelings of uncertainty and instability were quite frequent; it was hard to ignore it when her members excelled around her in all aspects, singing, dancing, variety, everything, you name it.

 

She watched them rise up, as she stayed in the burning, torturous confinements of her own mind, those hate comments sure had a point. Why would they lie about such a thing, anyway? Not when it was true. 

 

Even throughout her own pressing internal dilemma, she still felt loved. Even at her lowest point, she still felt loved, as there was one person who showed her love, who cherished her, and who had her back through thick and thin. That person was Seo Soojin. 

 

Soojin was a phenomenon, or so Shuhua thought, as she watched the girl bloom as a main dancer, taking on the hardships of what being an idol is like without a single doubt in her passionate mind. Shuhua always wished that she could feel that way, that she had the mental drive and capacity to push herself to do better, to be better, but she couldn't, not when everything in her life was spinning out of control, and she no longer had control over her confidence, over the way people thought.

 

Despite all of these problems, Soojin has always had her back, up until he arrived. Up until she didn't.

 

Shuhua could only watch, as the love of her life, the one thing that kept her going, started to drift away in the sea, so far away, that she was out of Shuhua's grasp. She witnessed it all, as Soojin left her in a jail cell, waiting to rot, waiting to die. 

 

 

"Jin Jin! Can we watch a movie?"  

 

The other girls were going out to dinner, so it was just Soojin and Shuhua who resided in their home that night. 

 

"What? No, Shuhua." Soojin answered roughly, pushing Shuhua's feigning hand away, as the youngest girl felt a pang in her heart, shards of glass slowly stabbing her. 

 

"Why not?" Shuhua tried one last time: there seemed to be no use anymore. 

 

"Hui is taking me out to dinner tonight." Soojin answered, as she tried to stand up, Shuhua clinging to her like her life depended on it. 

 

"Again? Are you serious?" Shuhua commented harshly, quite a large reflection on how she was feeling; transparency probably wasn't the best method here.

 

Soojin had been attending dinners with Hui almost every single night, and Shuhua was sick of it, quite frankly. What happened to their little movie dates? What happened to their tradition of making brownies every Friday night, since brownies were Shuhua's favorite, and Soojin couldn't deny her? What happened to the bond they had, the one that was now practically nonexistent?

 

"What are you talking about? Stop annoying me, Shuhua!" Soojin turned to yelling now, as Shuhua scoffed, Soojin's ignorance was the tip of the iceberg, and Shuhua was so close to plunging into the dark, freezing water. 

 

"You know what, forget it. Have fun, Soojin." Shuhua said bitterly, the salty aftertaste of the venom burning on her tongue. She walked away, leaving Soojin alone. 

 

 

Her hand hovered over the paper, shaking, as light tear drops rained on the page, marking it up with physical representations of her repeated pain and sorrow. The pen shook in her hand, as she continued to write the letter. 

 

It was Christmas Eve, as the girls all gathered around the fire, smiling contently as they snuggled in their blankets. Shuhua turned to her left, smiling softly as she looked at Miyeon's head resting on Minnie's shoulder. She wanted nothing more than for them to be happy. 

 

She turned to her right, where Soyeon and Yuqi were bickering, yet laughing with each other, and Shuhua could only yearn for a relationship like that, something so pure and comfortable. 

 

Shuhua looked down at her hands, because the space next to her was empty. Soojin had been out with Hui all day, and she probably wouldn't be coming back home anytime soon. 

 

She couldn't take it anymore, as she stood up quietly, leaving the room in a heartbeat, looking behind her to see if anyone followed her; that's right, no one ever notices her, do they? 

 

In just a set of pajamas, she sat on the cold pavement, watching the snow fall down as the clock ticked in the streets, the lights setting the mood to a bright orange. 

 

"I wonder if I deserve this, if this is just my reality?" Shuhua asked herself, as she wallowed in her loneliness, in her despair, as her friends all reveled in happiness, something she would have killed to experience. 

 

She could hear faint footsteps, the sound of snow crunching along boots, and hot, heavy breath. 

 

There she was, Shuhua's one and only.

 

This time, she was kissing another person. What a harsh reality. 

 

Shuhua could only watch, as the love of her life spent her happiness with someone else, something that Shuhua could not offer her. 

 

 

"I don't belong here, and even they know that." Shuhua mumbled to herself, her hands shaking slightly after she finished writing the letter. 

 

In a flash of light, Shuhua grabbed her things, shoving everything she possibly could into a backpack, something untraceable. 

 

"I guess this is goodbye, isn't it." Shuhua whispered, as she ran out of the dorm, for the last time. 

 

No trace of her could be seen. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soojin and the other members arrived home, as they put their things down. 

 

They had finally been able to go to the movies as a group, minus Shuhua, who said she had something important to do that day. 

 

"Shu! We're home!" Soyeon called out, as the girls waited for a loud voice and some harsh steps.

 

Nothing. No sound was heard.

 

"Maybe she didn't hear you?" Miyeon asked, as Soyeon had already run upstairs to see if the girl was in her room. 

 

"Shuhua! Where are you?" Yuqi yelled, her voice echoing with absolutely no response.

 

"She isn't here, guys." Soyeon said, now in a panicked state, as Soojin's alarm bells went off in her brain.

 

"Is she alright? Is she hurt?" Soojin thought, worrying taking over her. 

 

"You guys might want to see this." Minnie stood there with wide eyes, grasping a note that laid delicately on the dining room table. 

 

Dear unnies,

 

Do you ever feel as if you're drowning? As if you're clawing at the surface, but it's impossible to breath, as you yearn for survival, for a chance to live. Hope isn't ideal, or so I've learned.

 

Miyeon unnie, thank you for always being there for me, for always accompanying me in my foolish endeavors, as we both revel in idiotic fun. Thank you for being a great friend to me.

 

Minnie unnie, thank you for all of the great advice, and for always reminding me of my roots, of the person I aspire to be like. You've been nothing but nice to me.

 

Soyeon unnie, thank you for showing me how to be a good person, for helping to engrain great morals inside of me that I will always remember, even if we never meet again.

 

Yuqi, thank you for being my best friend, for helping me with my Korean, and for always supporting me in every journey of mine. I truly hope you keep your wonderful smile and jealous attitude for the rest of your life.

 

Lastly, Soojin unnie. Thank you for being the light of my life, for being the one thing that kept me going for so long. I hope you keep your shyness, or all of your flaws, matter of fact, because that's what makes you so beautiful to me. I've always loved you, Jin, and I always will love you.

 

Things around here are truly better off without me, with the minuscule "talent" I may have. 

 

I wish nothing but happiness and great health for all you all to come.

 

Love, your maknae Shu