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disgusting

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as kai thought about the older, he felt like puking. the thoughts that ran through the younger’s head were disgusting. the scenarios and fantasies he thought about were disgusting. he was disgusting.

 

how could a boy like another boy? that’s dirty, that’s not right. that’s not normal. but why did it feel good? during the heat of the moment, when huening kai let his mind run wild. it felt euphoric.

 

the thought of placing delicate kisses on yeonjun’s face, neck, body, and showering the older with love. fuck. wouldn’t that be perfect? no, it fucking wouldn’t be. because after, when realization hits and shame takes over, huening kai realizes how sick he is.

 

for a boy to love anything other than a girl, that’s a crime, a sin, it’s fucking filthy. but kai couldn’t stop. he can’t stop these overwhelming emotions. why?  why did he have to be this way? why couldn’t he be normal? why couldn’t he be like the res-

 

“kai.” yeonjun interrupts kai’s thoughts. a second later and those thoughts would’ve consumed kai’s brain until there was nothing left. “you didn’t answer my question.”

 

what question? kai wasn’t paying attention, he was too caught up with the ideas and concepts shouting in his head. “hyung, sorry. i didn’t hear what you asked.”

 

“you like me... don’t you?” nonono. of course not, that would be disgusting, wouldn’t it? kai felt grimy.. and that urge to throw up was getting stronger. “i want you to be honest with me, hyuka.” sincerity dripping like honey from yeonjun’s voice.

 

“hyung, it’s bad isn’t it?”

 

“huh?”

 

“a boy liking another bo-“

 

“where the fuck did you get that from? it’s not bad. it’s not bad at all kai.” yeonjun’s sparkling eyes meet kai’s dull, teary ones, “may i?”

 

kai looks over at the hand near his face, the one that’s hovering over his right cheek. he wants it. he wants to feel yeonjun’s warmth. so, in a strained voice kai whispers, “please.”

 

yeonjun gently places his hand on kai’s cheek. kai slowly found himself melting into yeonjun’s touch. “why are you crying baby?” kai freezes, he didn’t even notice the wet tears sliding off of his face and landing on his shirt.

 

“i’m..n-not crying.” kai mutters, hiccups interfering with every syllable that left his mouth.

 

with a steady thumb, yeonjun softly wipes away kai’s glistening tears. “thank you.” kai looks at yeonjun, confusion written all over his face.

 

“you’re not making any sense hyung.”

 

“i don’t know why you’re crying, but thank you for trusting me enough to let your guard down in front of me.” this, is this why kai fell in love with yeonjun? the way yeonjun would say things that were unexpected made kai’s heart flutter.

 

be selfish. a tiny nonexistent voice spoke. be selfish kai.

 

 

 

“kiss me.”

 

a glimmer of surprise flashed through yeonjun’s dark brown eyes. “i will, but..” yeonjun cups kai’s cheeks, moving closer to the younger until there’s nothing but a sliver of space between their lips. “answer my question. do you like me?” kai can feel yeonjun’s hot breath again his lips. he can’t think straight, he can’t fucking concentrate.

 

just let go.

 

fuck . yes, i do-“ yeonjun connects their mouths together. kai was on cloud 9. yeonjun’s lips are too good. too good that it made him forget about all the bad thoughts earlier, it made him forget about all those terrible feelings. 

 

but their delicate kiss soon comes to an end. the two both take a moment to catch their bittersweet breath. yeonjun nuzzles his face in kai’s neck and he mumbles, “i’m so glad.” the hot vibration on kai’s neck sends tingles through his body. “if you didn’t like me back, i wouldn’t know what to do. i like you so much kai.”

 

kai felt light. it was as if most of the weights that were on his shoulders were lifted off. but there was something still bugging him, “hyung, aren’t we disgusting?”

 

yeonjun moves his head away from his neck to look at kai. “i don’t know where you’re getting that bullshit from hyuka.” yeonjun subconsciously finds himself admiring kai’s pretty lips. “did you feel disgusting when we were kissing?”

 

kai gulps, “..no.”

 

yeonjun grabs kai by the waist and pulls him closer. “do you feel disgusting right now? do you feel disgusting being this close to me?”

 

“..no.”

 

“then you have nothing to worry about. we’re perfect the way we are. we aren’t disgusting, so stop thinking that way.” kai shyly wraps his arms around yeonjun’s neck.

 

“thank you hyung.” yeonjun giggles, placing another soft kiss on kai’s lips.

 

“okay now.. be my boyfriend?”

 

“i’d love to hyung.” 

 

“you’re mine now baby.” yeonjun pushes kai down on his bed, “let’s cuddle, you must be tired from overthinking.”

 

kai laughs. the noise was music to yeonjun’s ears. “how’d you know?”

 

“i know everything. now put your head on my chest and let’s go to sleep.” kai does exactly what yeonjun tells him to do. kai lets himself relax and finally lets go. the two fall asleep with the soft sound of each other’s breathing and the warmth from the embrace that they both shared. 

 

they were beautiful.