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Nea Being a Dumbass

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Cheryl was having a shitty day. Well, there wasn’t really anything to indicate the passage of time in the Entity’s Realms and it was kinda always shitty here. So Cheryl supposed she was having a particularly shitty few trials. She had her liver eaten, her spine chainsawed, her tongue ripped from her mouth, and her liver eaten again. 


    “Tough trials?” asked Meg.

    “You know it.”

    “Alright… I think it’s time. Go grab Zarina and Yui. And Nea.Oh and Ace. I’ll clear the boys out.”

    “Why is Ace an exception?” asked Cheryl.

    “Oh, Ace is ace. Asexual.” she explained upon Cheryl's confused look. “He doesn’t like sex. And besides, he’s like, the weird but harmless uncle. Also he was there for this and he’s a great storyteller.”


    Cheryl obediently gathered the two other new girls as well as Nea and Ace while Meg called in a favor with Claudette to get her to ask everyone else to go gather herbs. And nobody could say no to Claudette without feeling like a total ass.


    So Meg gathered everyone close around the fire. “Alright ladies, I know you’ve had a rough few trials. So sit back, relax, maybe even borrow Jake’s hammock, and enjoy the wonderful storytelling skills of Ace and myself and Nea’s adorable embarrassment!”

    “Is this the unbeatable?” asked Ace.

    “It better not be. And I told you to stop calling it that!” replied Nea.

    “You are correct my good Ace! Now, to set the scene…” began Meg.




    “It was a dark and stormy night in the Swamp. Nea, Ace and I were doing one of the generators up on top of the pier or whatever it is. I think it was the version of the Swamp with the big boat?”

    “It was. The Pale Rose.” Ace butts in.

    “Well, it was the Pale Rose, if you trust this old geezer’s memory.” Ace rolled his eyes but let Meg continue. “So anyway, we were doing a gen, and Nea was telling some stories of when she got super drunk. Anyways, y’all know how we never have to eat or shit or anything here? Well apparently memories or feelings can change that or something. We dunno how it works. Anyway, suddenly Nea was like ‘shit I gotta pee’ and Ace and I were like ‘dude you don’t want the Nurse to catch you with your pants down just hold it.”

    “It was the Nurse by the way, we heard her screeching around after David” interjected Ace.

    “Anyways, Nea was a dumbass-”

    “Wow, thanks” grumbled Nea.

    “Shut up, we both know it was true and you’ve changed, and even if you hadn’t I’d still like you.” Meg replied with a playful swat at her friend’s arm. “Anyways, Nea decided that if she didn’t want to literally get caught with her pants down she’d just need us to be lookouts, so without any further commentary she climbed up on top of the generator, dropped her pants, and started pissing.”

    “This is why you can’t get on generators, by the way.” said Ace. “You used to be able to drop onto a generator in the Ironworks sometimes and the Entity didn’t really care ‘cause killers could still reach you up there. You used to be able to climb a lot of stuff as long as the killer could still get you. But Nea just had to go and ruin it for us.” Ace finished teasingly.

    “Hey, it wasn’t just me! Remember when Jake got on top of that truck and the Hag couldn’t reach him?”

    “Okay, so there were a number of incidents” conceded Ace. “but this was definitely one of them. So anyways Nea was peeing on the gen, Meg was trying not to die of laughter and I was, as a gentleman and a believer in sanitation, looking away to scout out a different generator. But dear Meg was shaking from laughter while still trying to do the gen, which made her hand slip and the wrong wires connect. So the generator exploded. And Nea was still perched on top of it, doing her thing. And you know how when a gen explodes in your face you sort of flinch back despite yourself? Well Nea did the same thing from on top of the generator, and between that and having her pants around her ankles, she stumbled and fell of the generator and the pier and landed on her back in the mud.”

    At this point the audience was laughing uproariously at the image of Nea, usually so cool and grounded, laying on her back in the mud with her pants gone. Nea was blushing furiously and holding her head in her hands.

    “I couldn’t hold it in anymore and started cackling” Meg said, resuming narration duties. “And I had tears running down my face when suddenly the Nurse blinked up next to the gen. Ace bolted but I was literally on my hands and knees and out of breath. Now I know she isn’t usually one of the chattier killers but this is legit the only time we heard her speak. She just looked at me, and then looked at Nea, and then looked at the piss dripping off the generator and she just sort of lost it. She just screamed ‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WHORES DOING? WERE YOU PISSING ON A GODDAMN MACHINE? YOU BLASTED CRETINS CLICK YOUR FLASHLIGHTS AND DROP YOUR PALLETS AND DO YOUR SQUATTING DANCE, AND NOW THIS?’”

    The three listeners were laughing at the image of the normally stoic and terrifying Nurse losing her temper. Even Nea was reluctantly grinning at Meg’s impersonation.

    “That isn’t even the best part!” said Ace. “Nea was stuck in the mud and the Nurse’s telekinesis wasn’t strong enough to pull her out. So then she bent down to try and hit her on the ground but because she levitates she couldn’t quite reach! So eventually the trial just sort of ground to a halt as the Nurse kept trying to find some way to hurt Nea and we finished the gens and then watched. Then eventually the Entity sent in the Trapper with a shovel but as soon as he saw a half-naked Nea he just stopped and started stammering out apologies before he dropped the shovel and ran off. Eventually the Hillbilly came in and just sort of looked confusedly at Nea before beating her to death.”

    “There you go, now you all know the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me here.” muttered Nea.

    “Now now, there are important lessons to be learned from this!” replied Meg with a mockingly cheerful tone. “Number one: don’t pee on gens. Number two: if you do pee on gens, take your pants and undies all the way off so you can run if you’re interrupted. Number three: if the Trapper has you cornered, flash him and hope for the best!”

    “Wait, does number three actually work?” asked Zarina.

    “I’ve never tried… but you never know!” said Meg.

    “Goddamn horny teens…” Ace muttered.