It wasn’t romantic, per se, but she was pretty sure spontaneous and romantic had gone out the window for the moment in their marriage. Matt wasn’t going to start anything, he barely even initiated a kiss some days. She had a love-hate relationship with his ideas of her bodily autonomy: it was sweet and wonderful that he didn’t want her to feel obliged or pressured to do anything sexual with him, but at the same time, it was getting annoying to have to be the one to call all the shots and take all the initiative. Even good morning and good night kisses she usually had to initiate, let alone the all-but-sex that they occasionally had. Still, she gave him some leeway because she was pretty sure it was more a matter of Matt being leery of hurting her than anything else. Last time they’d tried to have actual penis-in-vagina sex, it had not gone well. She’d spent some time since then on her new mom message boards because sometimes the relative anonymity of the internet was a wonderful thing. She wasn’t sure if she could ask friends like Donna or Cindy about restarting your sex life after a baby. Not that they would be anything but supportive, but it was just too weird. Mom had never given birth so the whole question was a moot point for her. The message boards had been helpful and not. Some people just jumped to the worst every time, like one woman who apparently presumed that Matt was demanding sex from her and told her that her husband had a hand, he could use it until Sylvie was ready. She was ready. She wanted to have sex with her husband. She just had a not-so-slight problem, she had explained: her husband was well equipped. A few more messages that were mostly about men who were lengthy rather than thick, and Sylvie had finally been as blunt as she could force herself to be, even with a screen-name for some privacy, and typed “length isn’t really the problem (a bit over 7 inches) but he’s wider around than he is long – and there’s usually a bit of a twinge when he first goes in, but when we tried now after baby, it HURT. Even with lube. Suggestions?” A few responses expressed jealousy, a few expressed pained sympathy, a couple disbelief (why would she lie? Not for the first time, she wished Matt was smaller – it would be easier if he was), but a couple were helpful. Besides lube, and lots of foreplay, the most helpful recommendations were to make sure she was on top (they’d tried missionary last time, mostly because that was actually her preferred position), but also to try a ‘normal sized’ dildo first, to help her body adjust. She didn’t actually own a dildo (she’d worried about upsetting Matt, actually, and thrown it out before she’d moved in with him) but the internet was also wonderful for alleviating that situation. Then, she scheduled the sex.
“I want to have sex.” Sylvie announced over lunch. Matt’s newest construction project was renovating a master suite just down the street, and he walked home each day for lunch with her and Jack. Maybe she should’ve waited for him to swallow though, as he choked a little on his roast beef sandwich.
“Now?” Matt managed, glancing at Jack, who was happily ensconced in his musical swing thingy. He then looked at his watch appraisingly. She laughed a little, though it was nice to know he was actually considering if he had time, so clearly he was as anxious as she was.
“Not now. Tonight. I’m actually thinking between his last two feeds would be a good time. He’ll sleep for at least an hour. And that still leaves us both with the full five hours of his ‘big sleep’ to get actual sleep. So we’re not zombies tomorrow.”
“Are you sure? I mean, are you…you know, ready? It, I don’t, I won’t hurt you again, will I?”
“Probably at first.” Honest and forthright had always been their method. She didn’t intend to abandon it now.
“Hurting you is pretty much a mood killer.”
“Well, I’m sick of waiting. And you almost always hurt me. Just a little.”
“That was not a little.” Matt pointed out firmly. “I won’t do it again. It…don’t ask me to…”
“Don’t you miss sex, Matt?”
“You know I do.” Matt assured her immediately. “I can’t, I felt like, like I was forcing…it made me want to puke. So along with a plan for scheduling, do you have a plan for how to avoid you reacting like I’m all-but forcing myself on you?”
“It felt like it from my end. You flinched, jerked away from me, and yelled ‘ow’ and it was very obvious that I was not a welcome visitor. I know, it wasn’t, but it’s as close as I ever plan to be.”
“It’s going to be awkward, but yes, I do have a plan actually. We’re going to use lots of lube-“
“We did that-“
“and I’m going to be on top this time, and we’re going to start with you using a dildo on me.”
“Uhm, you want me to, well, fuck you, but not with my own dick?”
“Not at first. Look, some women online – it’s an anonymous message board, don’t look at me like that – recommended it, said that I need to start with a normal penis and work up-“
“I didn’t realize I was a sideshow freak.” Matt just about bit out.
“Matt, you knew before we first had sex that you’re substantially bigger around than most men. It’s why you ordered special condoms. It’s why you’ve always done lots of foreplay and stretching me-“
“I also happen to enjoy all of that ‘foreplay’.” Matt cut her off. “I like making you feel good.”
“Good, that will make this less awkward.”
“I don’t know if you can make it more awkward than knowing you’d prefer another penis than mine.”
“Look, if I was certain it wouldn’t hurt just like last time, I’d ride you until you popped right here and right now, I’m that fucking horny,” Sylvie told him bluntly. “I would always rather have you than anything else, Matt Casey, but a warm up to stretch me out, farther back than even your very talented fingers can manage, is going to make sure that this works. So, as a warm up, you’re going to fuck me with a dildo, and then I am going to straddle you, feel your dick stretch me out again in that way that only you can, and I’m not going to stop riding you until you beg for mercy. Is that understood?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Matt was smiling now, and pulled her towards him. She shifted from her chair onto his lap. God, he was already half hard under her ass, she could feel it. “I love it when you’re take-charge.”
“If you’re really lucky, I’ll squeeze myself into that little red number you like so much.”
“Hmmm.” Matt kissed her neck, and she just about tempted to change her mind about that ‘not now’, feeling him beneath her and with his lips hitting those spots he knew so well. “I like that little red bra but I like you in nothing at all even better.”
“Tonight, Matt.” She stayed firm. They needed to follow the plan, get back into the swing of things. She’d been assured by several women on the board that the first time (maybe the first few times) were the hardest, sort of like being a virgin again, figuring out your parts in their new configuration.
Jack very helpfully went right to sleep after his second-to-last feeding for the day. With his tummy full and him worn out from ‘playing’ with Daddy before mealtime, she knew he’d be dead to the world for at least an hour. Which was good. She contemplated moving him into the nursery (which he hadn’t yet slept in) because the idea of sex with Jack in the same room seemed a little weird. Plus, the guides to the baby’s first year that she’d been reading said to transition him into the crib in stages. She was still trying to decide whether to put him in his bassinet or take him down the short hall to his nursery when Matt came into the bedroom. He looked a little nervous, which matched how she felt.
“I’ll take him down to his room.” Matt volunteered, though by his tone it was half a question half a statement. She nodded, though, and handed their son over. While Matt put him down to sleep, Sylvie turned and made sure the baby monitor was on. They had a video monitor, and she could watch Matt gently settle Jack into his crib. The baby never so much as snuffled. He really was a good sleeper, as long as they avoided sudden noises like phones ringing or doorbells going off. She took a second to glance down at herself. She’d hoped to be able to do something kind of nice for Matt, wear something kind of enticing at least, but she hadn’t had time to change at all. Then again, Matt had always maintained that all he really needed to be turned on was her so…time to test that theory.
“You, uh, still feel the same as you did at lunch?” Matt asked softly from the doorway.
“Would you be mad at me if I said no?” She asked, just curious. A flash of something crossed his face, but he shook his head.
“I’m not going to get mad because you don’t want to have sex. If you don’t, you don’t. That’s fine.”
“What about what you want?”
“Well, I’m a guy.” Matt shrugged.
“What does that mean?”
“It means, I don’t know…it’s not really my decision.”
“Oh, so you’re a guy, so you have a penis, so your consent doesn’t matter? Or you’re saying you always want sex?” She looked at him sharply.
“No, that’s not…I just meant that if you’re not interested, it’s a no, regardless of what I want. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to do just to keep me happy or something.”
“Matt, do you not want to have sex tonight?” She asked pointedly.
“Not if you’re not ready.”
“Nope, no deflecting it onto me. You. Just you. Do you want to have sex?” She asked again.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” That was not the answer she was expecting. Yes or no, either one she could deal with readily, but uncertainty was unexpected.
“Parts of me are already taking an interest, just seeing you on our bed.” Matt admitted, gesturing at his groin. She glanced down, but he was still wearing jeans, she couldn’t see anything tell-tale.
“And other parts of you?” She prompted.
“I’m a little scared. Last time it…what I said at lunch, I wasn’t lying or exaggerating. God, Sylvie, I had nightmares about it.”
“About us having sex?”
“About me…hurting you. Knowing it was hurting and doing it anyway. I’m far from a perfect man, sometimes I’m even an asshole, but the idea of hurting a woman, any woman, let anyone you, the mother of my child – who for that alone owns my soul – I, yeah, I’ve had nightmares. That I could be that kind of man. Violent.”
“I think the fact that it made you want to puke and gave you nightmares is indicative that you’re really not that kind of man.” Sylvie pointed out gently. “And Matt, if I’m encouraging you to do it, I don’t think it’s at all the same thing as your nightmares. But obviously, if it’s giving you nightmares, I don’t want to push you-“
“On the other hand, if we don’t…God, Sylvie, I miss us. I love Jack more than I thought it was possible to love, but I miss sex. I miss us being together. I miss sleeping tangled up with you afterwards. I miss being touched and being able to touch. So, I mean, I want us to try. Just, we have to be patient and careful and if it hurts too much, we’re stopping. We’ll try again next week or something. I’m not going to keep, uh, pushing tonight. Not like last time.”
“Fair enough.” She agreed immediately, not least because she wanted to encourage him to advocate for himself and his needs. If he needed them to stop, they would. “And we’ll talk later about you not telling me about your nightmares.”
“You knew I had nightmares. We talked about it. With Dr. Sandlin. Hell, Severide knows, I think most of 51 knows. I’m not always subtle.”
“No, you’re not.” He rarely woke up shouting or anything, he just got up and found something to do, and either worked himself into an exhaustion that let him sleep without dreams or was up the rest of the night keeping busy. His recurrent nightmares were, in fact, a point of discussion at 51 – she’d had lots of questions, people discreetly checking up on him, wanting to make sure he was okay or see if they could help or just make sure she knew how many nights he was up for pretty much the full 24-hour shift. “I thought those were about, well, about your dad.”
“Most of them are. Well, Dad, what happened to Andy, Hallie – I have a surprising number of nightmares about fire, actually. Other things, too. But some about…if I hurt you, you have to tell me Sylvie. Promise me.”
“I promise. But, if it’s just a little hurt, like the first few times, when I was still getting used to the size of you, that doesn’t count.”
“Ah, yeah, that’s fair.” Matt blushed and looked at the floor.
“Matt. Come here.” She grabbed his nearest wrist and pulled him towards the bed. He was still standing, and she was pretty much eye level with his lower abs. She looked up at him, finding his beautiful blue eyes. “We have to have sex again eventually. I had a baby. Some things may have shifted a bit down there. We’ll work it out. Okay? We’ll find our new normal. But I want you. I want you inside me and over me and all around me. I want you.”
“Sometimes, I just wish…”
“I wish I was normal.”
“What, you mean….”
“All these guys wanting bigger dicks, and I kind of wish mine was smaller.”
“I don’t.” She smiled up at him. “Well, not really, I just wish I had a bigger mouth or something because I wish I could give you the same kind of oral sex you give me. But once you’re inside me, Matt, sure there’s that twinge at first, but once you’re there, oh, baby, you feel so big and amazing and hot and…just the stretch, it feels like you’re becoming part of me, not just inside me but like it’s so tight our bodies are fusing and it feels so fucking good.”
“Fuck. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. That mouth on you.” Matt shook his head, but his pupils were widening and she could see that whether or not they were going to have sex was no longer a question. “No one would believe the fantastic filth that comes out of sweet Sylvie Brett’s mouth and I fucking love it.”
“Mmm. Well, that can be our little secret, and the fact that ‘Little Matt’ is anything but little can be our little secret, too.” Sylvie grabbed his shirt front, tugging him down to kiss him. Tongues quickly dueled for control of the kiss and she got lost in it, it had been so long since they’d really just kissed like this, the sort that intentionally led to much more than kissing, and she realized they’d shifted somehow so they were both on the bed and he was over her and she had both hands on his ass, trying to pull him as tightly against her as she could, her legs spread wide to either side of his hips.
“We are both wearing too many clothes.” Matt smiled down at her, both of them trying to catch their breath a little. “Just, uh, checking that, I mean…do you want to keep your bra on? So I’m, uh, not tempted to wander from Matt-land into Jack-land?”
“You can’t see my naked boobs without touching them?”
“No, I don’t think I can.” Matt admitted with a beautiful cheeky grin. “I’m a strong man, Sylvie, but not that strong. You let me see them, I’m probably going to end up with my mouth on them.”
“Let’s do that. Leave it on.” She wouldn’t have to worry about dripping on him that way either. For some reason, that idea had bothered her, the very thought of her milk dripping (or spraying) on Matt while they had sex bothered her. She wondered if bothered him. Definitely a conversation for another night.
“You’ve got lube?” He asked, and she hummed assent even as he was practically mauling her neck with his lips and tongue and teeth and his hands were making short work of her clothes (except, of course, her bra). Once she was as naked as she was going to get, she tugged at his clothing, and he obediently helped her strip him completely naked as well. He must’ve seen it, because the next thing she knew she felt the lube being applied and his fingers on her pussy, apparently spreading rather liberally, then easing up inside. This part had gone well enough last time, and she wasn’t surprised that he slid down her body, the familiar sensations of his mouth on her and his fingers inside her quickly sending her spiraling into much-missed pleasures. She laughed lightly as she came down from her first orgasm.
“What’s funny?” Matt asked, but he was smiling at her as he slid about halfway up her body, his fingers slowing down but not leaving her.
“I had this thought, that you could be like a champion, well, whatever you call someone who eats women out. If it was an Olympic sport, you’d win a medal for sure. And I thought how badly you’d blush if I gave you a medal.”
“Hm, well, if it was done privately, I don’t think I’d blush at all.” Matt grinned widely. “But I don’t need or want public praise – the only person who needs to know about certain skills I might have is you.”
“You really are insanely good at that.”
“I love doing it.” Matt kissed her stomach, then starting licking a bath back south, back towards her pussy. “You said something about starting with, uh, ‘normal’ sized…”
“A dildo. Is that one of your words you can’t say?”
“It wasn’t previously on my list, but it is now.” Matt laughed lightly. “It’s not a word I’ve ever had to try to say before now.”
“Not really something straight guys deal with much, huh?”
“Not really, no.”
“It’s in the drawer, I’ll get it.” She managed to reach, though Matt was little help as he refused to let go of his grip on her hips, was in fact moving back lower between her thighs, spreading her wider again. Still, she managed to wriggle enough to reach, and if she gently smacked him in the head with it, well, he deserved it for the laughter that was shaking his shoulders and therefore most of her lower body even if he was muffling the sound in her thigh. He looked up at her, narrowly missing getting a dildo to the eye as she tried to bop him on the head again.
“Hey!” He grabbed her wrist, and then took the dildo from her. If she had to describe his expression as he looked at it, she would pick ‘gimlet eyed stare’. “So, this is ‘normal’ huh?”
“Exact average measurements, according to the googling I did.”
“Huh.” He wrapped his fingers around it, shaking his head a little. She almost laughed, but managed to bite it back, when he shifted up and rolled over (onto her left leg), and then held it up next to his own hard cock for a side-by-side comparison.
“Matt? Are you seriously comparing?”
“Well, it’s not like I’ve ever seen anyone else’s hard, have I?” His head was still at roughly her shoulder height, so he had to tilt his head back to meet her eyes. “That’s ‘normal’?”
“Yep. In my limited experience and the ‘science’ of the internet, that is pretty much the average.” Sylvie confirmed, a smile on her face. God, it was nice to get back to just having fun in their bed – even if they hadn’t gotten to the sex yet. It felt normal. It felt like home. Okay, a slightly demented home, as her husband compared his dick to a rubber one, but, hey. “Didn’t you know that?”
“I kinda knew mine grew more than most, only because I know most guys can get a blowjob. But no, I’ve never really had the chance for a side-by-side, surprisingly enough.” He scoffed.
“Yeah, but surely you watch porn, I mean, at some point in your life?”
“Not as much as you might think, and I’m pretty sure that using porn to assess normal sex or what normal people look like is like using a Nicholas Sparks movie to judge a relationship. Unrealistic at best.” She had to laugh a little at that. Matt had spent an entire evening complaining about The Notebook and completely ruining that movie for her: she had to agree with his argument that infidelity is never romantic and Allie cheating on her fiancé with Noah was not ‘romantic’ at all, and threatening to drop from a Ferris wheel had to be the most sociopathic way to manipulate a girl into agreeing to date you and if their daughter (who didn’t exist yet) ever ran into a guy who was that nuts, he hoped she’d have the sense to take a haligan to his ass or at least tell him to go ahead and drop from the Ferris wheel.
“Well, do you see now why I want to ease into yours?” She brought her mind back to Matt’s studied comparison of the dildo and his own erection. She much preferred the look of the real thing.
“Do you wish…I mean, would you like it better if…if mine was-“
“Matt Casey, would you stop? I love you and I love your penis. I would not like it better if it was a different size. I would not like it better if it was circumcised. I love it because it’s you. Okay?”
“That’s nice and all, but-“
“Seriously.” She blew out a heavy breath. “Matt, I have had previous boyfriends. They were mostly average. So take my word for it. I like yours the best of anyone’s. Can’t you tell by how many times you make me come on it?”
“That’s just technique.” Matt pointed out.
“Uhm, technique and hitting literally every nerve ending at once because you stuff me full. And I love being stuffed. So if you could get on with that bit for tonight, before our son wakes up, I’d appreciate it.”
“Oh, shit, yeah.” Matt grinned and carefully rolled back over her. He kissed her firmly. “Not that I forgot the sex, I forgot the timeline. Our little alarm clock down the hall isn’t going to sleep forever. So, you want this, then me?”
“Mmhmm. So keep your hands off your dick, Matt – I need you hard and ready for me once I’m all stretched and warmed up.”
“Time to get started then.” He licked down her body, dipping down into the split of her bra before skipping over the fabric of the bra itself, then his tongue was back on her belly. He took his time there, and she settled in to enjoy the sensations. He nipped and kissed and licked slowly down her abdomen to her pussy, and sucked her clit like a fiend. She forced her eyes open to watch as he paused to lube (good boy) the dildo generously, then gently replaced his two fingers with the rubber penis. She flinched slightly as the head moved deeper than his fingers had gone, but shook her head at his inquiring look. She was fine, it was just a little twinge. Once it was all the way in her, he paused.
“Yeah, it’s…feels a little strange.”
“Have you used one of these before?”
“Before we got together, yes. Since? No.” She smiled broadly at him. “If I need something inside me, I can always count on you. And I really do prefer you to anything else.” He responded by dipping his head to suck on, nip at, and lick her clit, as he started to move the dildo in and out of her gently, small movements at first but then longer strokes. She let herself go to just follow the sensations and she welcomed her second orgasm several minutes later. A few moments after that, she opened her eyes as she felt Matt shifting on the bed. He kissed her, and she pulled him down against her, reveling in the feeling of his body over hers again and this familiar, wonderful, loving connection. He pulled back after several minutes of kissing.
“Sylvie, I should’ve asked earlier but, uh, what’s our birth control situation?”
“Oh, I’m nursing, I’m not on, not on anything.” She realized.
“Breastfeeding is not exactly reliable.” Matt pointed out. “Luckily, your husband is an optimist.”
“What do you mean?” She asked, as he chuckled and stretched to reach into his own bedside drawer. He pulled back a few moments of shifting things blindly later, a bright foil package in his hand. “You hate condoms. You feel better, for both of us, without-”
“Yeah, well, I’m not exactly looking to knock up my wife with a three-month-old baby down the hall, either.” Matt replied as he put it on. “So, if you want me – and I definitely want you – condom it is.”
“Lots of lube, Matt.”
“Trust me, I remember.”
“And go slow.”
“Definitely.” He shifted and it was only as he slid it out that she realized he’d left the dildo in her after she came. She wondered if he’d worried that she’d close up or something if he took it out. She wondered if she might’ve. Even with it, though, as he carefully pushed his cock inside, she couldn’t help gasping at the sharp stretch. “Sylvie?” He stopped moving entirely.
“It’s fine. Normal twinge. You’re a lot bigger than that dildo.”
“I know. You sure?” Matt paused. “Wait, you said you wanted to be on top.” And he rolled over, carrying her over so that he was now on his back with her above him.
“I do like riding you.” Sylvie laughed lightly. It was good to feel light in bed again. She lined them back up, and carefully started to lower down onto him. “It feels good just a stretch.”
“Not tearing? No pain?”
“I promise, Matt, it’s just a bit of an ache. You’re so big, baby, and the stretch feels so good.” It was starting to feel good, actually. Reigniting a lot of very nice sense memories of some very hot sex. She arched a little, hoping to encourage him to go a little deeper. He knew her well, and started small thrusts, a tiny bit deeper each time, moving within her carefully, but oh so fantastically as she worked above him as well. She was climbing towards another orgasm, she swore she somehow came more quickly now, maybe it was just the long time since they’d had sex, because he’d always felt good but this was…something, it was just something.
“God, Sylvie, you feel so fucking good. I’m not gonna last, I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to.” She admitted, continuing to push lower onto him, pulling him into her body. “Just keep doing that.”
He obliged, and her body found the familiar rhythm with his, their thrusting getting more confident, faster, going from small strokes to longer ones, that shared rhythm that was more instinctual than thought out she figured, and oh, it was so damned good, not the best orgasm of her life good, but still damned good. He was pushing deeper now, going faster and harder, as she pressed down to meet him, like they used to, before, and “OW! FUCK!”
“Sylvie?” Matt froze, halfway out, having taken a split second to realize she’d yelped in pain.
“Too deep on that one.” She managed to explain as she shifted above him. “You’re a bit longer than the dildo, I, uh, I think you hit my cervix or something. Either way, that hurt. The rest feels mind-blowingly good, please don’t stop just, uh, not too deep.”
“I’m so sure that if you don’t make me come on your dick right now, Matt Casey, I might just utilize this grip for something you won’t like.” She smiled up at him, her hand having shifted from slip behind her and down, to gently cup his balls. She trailed her middle finger gently along the perineum, that sensitive patch right behind his balls, and felt him arch into her body (though, notably, not deep enough to hit that sharp spot).
“Yes, ma’am.” Matt smiled, and kissed her, but his hips started moving again, so did hers, and if she ended up crying in his arms afterwards, well, that was only happiness at having finally come back home, together.