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Gulf

 

Cameras flashed and clicked around me, their noises something I had grown accustomed to over the past few months. At first it had been a little overwhelming, I hadn’t known what to do in the face of the flashes. The sounds had followed me for hours after we had left the events before. It was all still crazy to me that so many people would come out to see us like our fans did but it didn’t make me shy away as much as it used to.

 

Well, sometimes. Sometimes I still got shy and flustered. I would never get used to it all, to the swell of support that came to us from so many people from so many different locations, so many different cultures and languages.

 

My love for them was endless like it felt like theirs was for me. My gratitude never ending.

 

“What’s the status of your relationship?” A reporter asked and received a chorus of interested sounds from other reporters as well as screams from fans. It was a question that we got often, one that they worded differently every now and then if they were being clever or sneaky but it always held the same meaning: what are the two of your to each other?

 

It was a question that I secretly hated, even if I put on a smile and laughed when it was asked.

 

It was also a question I let Phi answer first if I could. He was better versed in dealing with reporters, better at handling on the fly responses most of the time and was generally better equipped at knowing what to say. It was a given, he’d been in the industry longer while I was still so new to it all.

 

I looked to him and he gave the reporters as well as the flashing cameras all a charming smile, one that I continued to mirror. I’d instinctively laughed and smiled as soon as they’d asked the question, like I always seemed to do. Both of us were aware that we were being recorded, not only but the reporters but by the fans nearby as well, their screams filling the air when we smiled.

 

At one point it used to startle me, the sudden swell of noise but now it made me smile more. It was a sound of support, cheering us on.

 

“We’re a Phi and Nong that love each other very much.” He said and placed his hand at the small of my back. For everyone else it may have seemed like a move that was contradictory to his statement, but it was a move that was meant to soothe and comfort me. He never knew how I would react to the questions, never knew how I felt about it being asked.

 

I hated it/ I hated it when the question was brought up and I had to smile my way through it but not for the reasons that some may think. It didn’t make me uncomfortable. Reporters would ask what they wanted, sometimes it would be inappropriate and sometimes they would be fine. It was all dependent on the reporter in question. I didn’t know how to handle the answer, so I let him handle it.

 

It was the answer that I hated. Phi and Nong. When he said it, my heart ached, and I was forced to smile through it all. Forced to nod and agree, like I didn’t crave something more from him every night. That my heart didn’t race every time he looked at me or that it was hard for me to even look at him sometimes because I still got shy. I had to pretend that I didn’t want to feel his lips on mine every minute of the day and to have him touch me in ways he never had before. Had to smile and pretend that having his face so close to mind during fanmeets and events didn’t drive me crazy, make me want him that much more.

 

I had to pretend that I didn’t love him.

 

“Do you agree, Gulf?” No/ No, I didn’t agree with it at all. I hated the Phi and Nong label, didn’t want to be labelled like that by him. I wanted to be more than just a Nong to him that he looked at with affection. I wanted more.

 

I looked at the reporter who had spoken and laughed as I smiled and nodded. It was like they all expected me to counter him, argue that we were more than what we really were. It never made any sense to me. Did they ever expect that to actually work and what exactly were they hoping to hear from us? That we were madly in love and actually dating?

 

Only in my dreams.

 

“I do. We’re a Phi and Nong that love each other very much. Phi is always there for me, I think I’d be a little lost without him.” I said. My honest words were met with a chorus of “ohhhs” from the reporters in front of us and a swell of screams from the fans behind them. P’Mew rubbed my back as heat flooded my face.

 

As he took over once again, I smiled through the ache that settled into my chest, schooling my features. I truly did hate that question.

 

-----

 

I bounced against my bed as I fell facedown on it. The day had been a long one and while it had been fun and I had enjoyed it, I was still glad to be home, glad to be able to fall into bed and not have to think about moving again in a few minutes. I could lay here for a hours and do nothing but sleep if I wanted. I wouldn’t be able to sleep in, there was a fanmeeting scheduled tomorrow but I wasn’t budging before I had to.

 

Not that I would be able to drift off to sleep anytime soon. Not when Phi’s voice came rushing back into my head, calling us Phi and Nong. I sighed and hid my face in the blanket. Stupid question, stupid answer. Everything would be easier if it were that simple for both of us, if feelings hadn’t run away from one of us. I didn’t blame P’Mew though. He didn’t know, I hadn’t ever told him.

 

Was too shy to, didn’t know how to. What was I supposed to say to him? Hey, Phi? I think I fell in love with you while filming and getting closer to you. Now all I can think about is being with you, kissing you and other things. Hope that doesn’t sound weird. Hope that isn’t crossing a line. I don’t want things to be weird between us.

 

Not going to happen.

 

I groaned into the blanket before turning my head to the side and dragging my phone up. I unlocked it and pulled Twitter up, scrolling through my feed for a few minutes before moving over to the search bar. Every so often I would scroll through the tag that the fans used for us to see what they were saying, see what they were posting. Sometimes I would save the funny screenshots they took of Phi to tease him with. It made me feel close to them in a way. I couldn’t talk to all of them, couldn’t acknowledge everyone but I could see what they were doing sometimes, see that they were happy and having fun.

 

The top results came up as they always did and I scrolled through them slowly. There were languages that I didn’t understand mixed in with some that I could pick a few words out of. I paused in my scrolling when a video started to play, my attention caught by the way I was gazing at Phi.

 

I knew that’s how I felt about him but did I always look at him that way? With that amount of love and affection shining in my eyes? It was like I was gazing at him as if he’d hung the stars in the sky and made the night sky as beautiful as it was. Was that the expression I wore whenI looked at him anymore without realizing it? Before I had had a hard time looking at him because he made me shy. I would look away if he looked at me when my eyes were on him.

 

Sneaking looks, that’s what I used to do.

 

It was easier now, I could look at him and I still felt shy but the urge to turn away didn’t overwhelm me anymore. Apparently it was because I was busy staring at him like a lovestruck puppy. I was doing a fantastic job of keeping my feelings to myself.

 

Heat filled my face as the video continued and the clip changed to one where I had been gazing at him as he was talking. I had been listening to him intently, I could remember that, but I had also been admiring how good he had looked that night. How attractive he had been with his hair styled the way it had been. A small smile was on my lips and it blossomed when he turned his gaze towards me, transforming into a full smile that reached my eyes.

 

The video wasn’t a long one, maybe two minutes if even that but more heat filled my cheeks each second that passed. So many adoring looks and growing smiles were held in that short video, my emotions so clear for anyone to see. And I had been foolishly thinking that I was doing a good job at keeping things to myself.

 

When I had first met Phi, I could freely admit to myself that I’d had a small crush on him but I hadn’t thought anything of it then. May gaze had followed him around the room, unable to look away. I had wanted to go and talk to him too but he’d had his fans with him and I’d been too shy so I had sat quietly, casting glances towards him every now and then, hoping that I would go unnoticed.

 

I’d been surprised when his fans had come to talk to me when he’d gone back for his casting time. I’d been sitting on my own. I didn’t know what had brought them over to talk to me but they had all been so kind and sweet, settling my nerves for a little while with their talk. They had asked for my Instagram information before they had left, which I had happily if nervously given them.

 

Phi had then returned and resumed conversation with them. Every now and then he would glance in my direction and my stomach would flip with nerves. Was he looking at me? And if he was, what was he thinking?

 

I tested against everyone that had come in to try for the role of Tharn but had felt nothing when put against them. They had been nice enough, had been talented as well but hadn’t stirred up the emotions that I thought the character would have felt. That was until Phi had come into the room.

 

When he had stepped inside my heart had sped up, the closer he got the more nervous I had gotten, and when he hid our faces behind the script it had been all over for me. He’d lent closer to me as if we’d kissed behind the pages, gazed down at me with eyes that were full of mysteries and my face had turned bright red, the tips of my ears burning in response to him. AS he lowered the papers I had looked away from him and there had been soft sounds of approval, as if they’d all been waiting for the same thing.

 

Later they had asked me who I had liked acting against the most and I hadn’t needed to think about my answer. It had been Phi without a shadow of a doubt. No one else had been able to make me feel shy and I had just liked being near him like that. I hadn’t minded it, had wanted to stay close to him like that for longer. That he had picked me too had made me happier than it should have.

 

Yes, I could admit to myself that I’d had a small crush on him in the beginning, but it had gone further than that somewhere along the times. I couldn’t place when, but it had. At first pushing the hearts that he gave the fans down or buttoning up his shirts had been playful banter, a joke meant to make everyone laugh, but it turned into me not wanting to share those hearts and not wanting anyone else to see his chest like that. It had turned into jealous actions that I laughed and smiled through.

 

I shook my head and continued scrolling, feeling flustered with myself. I paused at another video and let it play out. This one was various clips of our kissing scenes from the series, including a rather long clip from the special episode. I remembered all of the kissing scenes, remembered what P’Mew’s lips had felt like against mine and how we’d gotten carried away with the kissing sometimes. I’d lost count of the number of times we’d been scolded for using tongue in the shorts, making us reshoot. Not that I had ever minded. I enjoyed kissing him.

 

The special episode had been… different. We hadn’t been told where to or how to touch or kiss each other. Phi had just been told when and where to take me. The rest had been up to us. Everything had just flowed naturally, like neither one of us had to think about what we were going to do. Everyone in the room had been still and quiet, even more so than normal. It felt, when cut had finally been called, that no one had dared to breathe while the scene had played out in front of them. A few of the crew member’s faces were flushed and I hadn’t been able to blame them.

 

I had nearly chased after Phi’s lips more than once but caught myself. He guided the scene and I followed along but I had wanted to feel his lips against mine. There had been a small noise that came from me that could be heard in the silence that they’d decided to use and leave in the scene. My ears had gone hot when I heard it, I hadn’t even been aware of making it.

 

All I had known in the moment was P’Mew’s lips against my neck and his arms coming around me to lift me up. I had instinctively put my legs over his hips like I always did when he carried me. Everything else had been tuned out, hadn’t existed for me. If it wasn’t P’Mew, it hadn’t mattered.

 

As I replayed the events from the scene over in my mind, I could almost feel Phi’s lips against mine, against my neck and my face grew warm all over again. I didn’t know how to stop him from filling my mind all of the time, didn’t know how to stop the reaction that I had to thoughts of him when I was alone.

 

A shiver raced down my spine and I felt myself hardening against the mattress. I shoved my phone away from myself and rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling. This wasn’t the first time this had happened; it wasn’t the first time I had grown aroused by Phi. I had become aroused by scenes before, we both had. It was a natural response. We laughed it off and backed off to cool off before going back to work.

 

I wasn’t on set now, P’Mew wasn’t here with me now and he wasn’t actually touching me. I had remembered the feel of his lips, the feel of his touch and had become aroused by the memory of it. And it still wasn’t the first time it had happened away from set. I had dreamt of him touching me in ways we never had, of him using his mouth on me in ways he never had, of doing things we never had.

 

As my hand slip down over my stomach to the band of my boxers, what I was about to do wouldn’t be the first time I had done it either. It wouldn’t be the last either, I was sure. Lifting my hips I slid my boxers off and tossed them away, gripping my cock when I was free, a soft groan slipping past my lips. I closed my eyes and let my mind wander.

 

It wasn’t my hand gripping me but it was P’Mew’s grip around me, working a slow path up and down my shaft. In the beginning I had felt guilty about doing this while thinking about him but gradually that guilt had slipped away being replaced with an overwhelming shyness. It would be my secret. He looked at me as nothing more than a Nong so this would be something I would never share with him.

 

I worked my hand along my length as I thought of P’Mew’s hand stroking me, of his lips against mine, of his tongue requesting entrance to my mouth. All of these thoughts filled my mind, demanding my attention, making me harder. The thoughts of him filling my mind made me ache, a flush creeping over my chest.

 

When I shifted on the bed, my phone slid over to me and I pushed it away again with an annoyed whine, my fingers sliding over the screen. The device held no interest to me, though the thought of looking at Phi shirtless was quite appealing. Picturing him in my mind touching me and kissing me was far more appealing. Letting my imagination run free always appealed to me more.

 

My breath hitched and grew faster as I stroked myself faster, the pleasure building. The only thing I thought of was my Phi and how badly I craved for his hand to be the one gripping me, how it would feel better if it were him touching me, driving me higher. He wouldn’t let me come so quickly or easily thought. He liked to tease me too much and surely it would carry over to more intimate realms too.

 

So I slowed my motions down to a tease pace that I was sure he would take and every nerve in my body tingled in protest but oh did it kick everything up in my mind. This is exactly what he would do, take me high and then slow down to tease me, to make me want it from him all the more, to hear his name from my lips.

 

“Phi…” I moaned and circled the head of my cock with my thumb, spreading the beads of precum over my head. He had invaded every inch of my mind and left no room for anything else. I was at his mercy and he didn’t even know it. “I want it, Phi… Please.”

 

I could imagine what his response would be, his voice low and soft as he spoke to me. ‘What do you want, Gulf? Tell Phi what you want and maybe he’ll give it to you.’

 

I wanted everything. His kiss, his touch, the feel of him against me and inside of me. I wanted the feel of him filling me until there was nothing left but him, to hear him moaning my name as he drove himself into me but above all of that I wanted him. I wanted his heart, his time, to fill his mind as much as he filled mine, wanted to be the reason for his brightest smiles and happiest laughs.

 

I wanted to be everything the fans thought we were: completely in love and together, stealing loving touches because we couldn’t help it, gazing at each other with love because we couldn’t stop ourselves. All of it, I wanted to be selfish and have every single one of those things. Wanted them deeply and desperately. Wanted all of the things that I couldn’t have.

 

At least here, in this moment, I could have this, could let myself have this.

 

“Phi, please… I want it…” I all but whined into the silence. There was no one here to hear me, no one here to respond but I didn’t care. “I want to come for your… I promise to be a good boy from now on, I won’t complain about you teasing me…”

 

P’Mew would definitely ask if I would be able to keep that promise to behave myself from now on, if I would be able to be a good boy. He was always making comments on how I was always being naughty, but he let me get away with so much. I would promise to be good if it meant he would let me come but I would also misbehave if I knew it would get his hands on my again.

 

I slid my hand faster against my cock, working myself higher again, my breathing speeding up. The pleasure was building, dancing closer and closer, a soft moan escaped me.

 

“Phi… Please…” I whined and drew my lip between my teeth once again. I wanted the release that was rushing towards me, needed it more than I needed my next breath. If he had been here and touching me I would have been willing to be him for that release.

 

My P’Mew liked to tease me but he was never cruel, he would bring me to that high, encouraging me to go over that crest for him while I whined for him. The thought of that, of him working me higher and giving me soft praises is what sent me over and sent my orgasm crashing into me. His name left my lips on a cry that trailed into a soft moan then into a low whine. Come spilled into my hand as my breath left me in soft pants and color heated my cheeks.

 

There was one little thing that I always suffered from after I did this. I didn’t know how I was going to look P’Mew in the eye tomorrow.