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what you mean to him

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The thing about this wedding, other than the fact that Yoongi was going but make sure they had the best lighting of any wedding of the century, is that no one understood why they wanted it to be big, and fancy, and somewhat traditional. They didn’t understand why they had sent invitations to the few relatives they knew might reply, even if they didn’t, and they didn’t understand why they hired a lady who would play a single song on the piano when Yoongi was right there.

 

They didn’t understand why Yoongi and Jeongguk wanted to have a perfectly choreographed first dance, even if no one would get to see it cause they didn’t want a reception, and why they wanted all of the guys to wear matching tuxedos like they were bridesmaids. Namjoon and Taehyung made fun of them a lot, for wanting to get officially, legally married. Something about how the law was ridiculous. 

 

But the thing about people, the thing about everyone, even their friends that have seen what they’ve been through, and that had lived through similar things too, is that they’re usually wrong when it comes to Jeongguk and Yoongi. The thing about everyone is that they’ve never really understood what Yoongi being in love with Jeongguk means, and what Jeongguk being in love with Yoongi means. 

 

The sole reason they even found each other in the first place is because no one ever understood. No one ever got that they like silence, and they like to be alone together, and they don’t need words for the other one to know that this love is stronger than any other love they could ever feel.

 

Because Yoongi loves Jeongguk. He loves him when its just them in their apartment and Yoongi is trying and failing to write some lyrics with the noise of Jeongguk’s video games in the background. He loves him when Jeongguk is lying in bed, singing to himself as he absentmindedly rubs Yoongi’s back. He loves him so much, when he’s recently woken up and he can’t fully open his eyes yet but he seeks the warmth of Yoongi’s mouth and sinks into it with a sigh that speaks of love and home. Yoongi loves Jeongguk, when he’s quiet and when he’s excited and when he’s sad. He loves him so much it’s a part of himself. 

 

And Jeongguk loves Yoongi in return, with passion in his veins and fire in his heart, he loves him because he’s kind without showing it, because he loves silently and deeply, because he always thinks about Jeongguk and because he’s kind and smart and Jeongguk has never met anyone like him before. Jeongguk loves Yoongi in the morning, when he’s all soft lines and sleepy eyes and he loves him at night when he’s all hard lines and movement and excitement about his music, and his eyes are still sleepy but they shine with an underlying feeling Jeongguk has never been able to explain or understand, but that he loves endlessly anyway.

 

And no one ever gets it, they way Yoongi and Jeongguk can move in harmony and under the same tempo, not skipping a beat once. Only they get it. Yoongi gets Jeongguk. He gets that Jeongguk cares. He cares about everything a lot. Not too much, because Jeongguk is perfect just the way he is, but a lot. He cares about the neighbor’s dog that always ends up in their doorstep somehow, and he cares about their friends, always trying to make them happy because he knows they all need it, even if it’s been years since everything happened. He cares about the way he looks and about the way he dances when they go out. Most of all, Jeongguk cares about Yoongi. He treats him kindly every day, he brushes his hair out of his eyes and kisses him softly like he’s always sealing a precious deal. He holds his hands like it’s an extension of his own body, and he talks to him like he’s always whispering a old myth known only by the both of them.

 

That’s how he proposed, too.

 

Yoongi came home one night, and found Jeongguk sitting on their living room floor, right on top of the carpet Yoongi bought a few months ago that he thought he lost in the mail. He was only wearing something slightly out of the ordinary. A nice dress shirt, black with a small smeraldo flower embroidered on the collar. Yoongi didn’t really know what all of it was about, but he moved closer to Jeongguk anyway, ever drawn to him like a dragonfly drawn to a shiny surface, and kissed him softly, deeply, coming back home, to him. 

 

Jeongguk kissed him back, but he wasn’t as calm as he usually was when it was just the two of them. One of his legs was shaking a lot, and Yoongi tried putting his hand on it to ground him, to tell him he was there, if Jeongguk needed him. But Jeongguk wasn’t anxious, or sad, or overwhelmed. He was excited, and in love. He took Yoongi’s face in his hands, kissed him softly, deliberately, pushing his lips apart and kissing between them, licking into his mouth, biting his lower lip gently, and said.

 

“Hyung. Yoongi hyung. I love you.”

 

And Yoongi melted against his frame, sighed into his lips, squeezed his shoulders.

 

“I love you, Jeongguk-ah, love you so much,” he replied, already breathless because this boy in front of him is made out of stardust and honey and Yoongi found his home inside it, between two of the galaxies that shine in his eyes and extend all the way to his heart. He kissed him because kissing him felt more like coming home than any other thing he could ever do, until Jeongguk pulled away slowly.

 

He took something from outside his pocket and pecked Yoongi again as if to distract him, always shaking with what Yoongi thought was nerves but was actually anticipation. Jeongguk opened his palm, and in it Yoongi saw something precious that Jeongguk was cradling it in his hands like it was a living thing he needs to look after. Yoongi turned his gaze down, and realized that maybe it was. Because Jeongguk was holding a silver ring in his hands, a small blue stone in it, and Yoongi sucked in a sharp breath because he knew.   

 

“Yoongi hyung,” he started, and his voice thickened, filled with emotion, watery and soft and everything Yoongi loves about Jeongguk’s voice. “Yoongi hyung. I went out to lunch today with Namjoon hyung, and he said- he asked me about you. You know he always asks about you.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” Yoongi replied, and he thought maybe he was crying but he wasn’t  completely sure, because there was no way he was going to take his eyes off of Jeongguk to check. It didn’t matter anyway. Jeongguk loved him, whether he cried right now or he didn’t.

 

“He said something that got me thinking. About you and me and us. I love us, you know? I love being with you, and getting to love you and hold you and talk to you. You’re the best,” Jeongguk said and giggled afterwards, as if he hadn’t said any of these things before. He had, but Yoongi understood, because they’d never led up to anything more than a sweet kiss and sweet touches that Yoongi would always remember.

 

“I love you. You’re my sweet boy,” Yoongi whispered, and Jeongguk gave him another smile. He took the ring between his index and thumb and played with it, drawing Yoongi’s attention back to it.

 

“We passed by this jewelry shop, and I just- I had to, hyung. I had to buy it. Because I love you, and I want to marry you, only because it means you’re going to be with me always. I’ll get to kiss you when you come home and drag you to bed when you’re too stubborn to move away from your computer. I’ll get to eat your meals that you make me because you love me, and I’ll kiss you every morning and every night because there’s nothing I love doing more. I love you, and I want to hold your hand for as long as I can. Please marry me. I want to be your husband. I want you to be my husband.”

 

Jeongguk started talking with a whisper that turned louder and louder until he was yelling be yours, be mine, be yours, be mine, at the top of his lungs on a friday night as he kneeled on the floor in the middle of their apartment, his voice laced with adrenaline and youth and love and Yoongi has never said no to Jeongguk, so he’s definitely not going to start now. He feels like they’re kids again, sitting in front of Yoongi’s beat up piano and telling their secrets to the keys because they weren’t able to say it to each other’s faces, even when they were sitting side to side.

 

“I’ve always been yours,” Yoongi whispered into Jungkook’s mouth, his voice hoarse and heavy in his mouth because he needed Jeongguk to understand. “but I’ll marry you. Of course I will, of course I’ll be yours always. I want you to be mine too.”

 

Jeongguk kissed him then, running his fingers through Yoongi’s hair and holding him carefully, carrying him into their shared bedroom and carefully slipping the ring into Yoongi’s finger. Tears escaped them both, and they kissed and got lost in each other without saying anything because they understood.

 

*

 

The night before the wedding, it really hits Yoongi, that is is all going to happen. He’s getting ready to leave for the night, much against his wishes. Seokjin insisted, backed up by Jimin, that he and Jeongguk shouldn’t spend the eve of their wedding together. It’s funny for Yoongi to think about it now. They had all laughed and joked about them being so serious about their wedding, but once they realized Yoongi and Jeongguk meant it, that they really wanted this, well. They’ve always been good at being each other’s family, at supporting each other’s dreams when nobody else would, when nobody else believed. And so they took it upon themselves, to find the best venue, the best suits, the best photographer, the best catering service. They insisted on having all of the wedding traditions. Ducks in every table, a best man speech- that they rock paper scissored for and Jimin cried when he didn’t win- and now, separating the grooms on the eve of their wedding for good luck. As if they weren’t already lucky enough, being with each other after all the odds were against them. They both tried to argue in the beginning, because they really, really didn’t want to spend another night apart if they could help it, but Seokjin made a fuss, and said something about how exciting it would be to see Jeongguk for the first time that day just a few minutes before he was going to become Yoongi’s husband, and Yoongi didn't need to hear more. He agreed that easily, and Seokjin didn’t laugh like Yoongi thought he might. He only dragged Yoongi into a hug he tried to resist and squeezed him once before he let him go.  

 

“I’m happy for you, Yoongi,” he said, and Yoongi had to swallow his tears, because Seokjin was the one who saw him fall for Jeongguk slowly, always afraid he was going to lose him if he ever confessed and Jeongguk didn’t feel the same, or if Jeongguk got tired of him and didn’t get him like he had always yearned for. Seokjin had been there to reassure Yoongi every time, and now he is his best man and is giving him his spare bedroom because Yoongi is getting married to the love of his life tomorrow. Things are working out for him, and Yoongi, who has never considered himself lucky before, certainly feels lucky now. 

 

Jeongguk, though, is reluctant to let him go. He presses Yoongi against the wall, kisses him hard and deep and sloppy until they’re both breathless and clinging to each other. Jeongguk squeezes Yoongi’s waist and Yoongi feels like he’s burning his fingertips into Yoongi’s skin so he will remember him forever, even when Yoongi clearly doesn’t plan on leaving him.

 

“Jeongguk-ah, baby,” Yoongi whispers, slowly disentangling their limbs, his hands still tightly holding on despite it. “Let me go, yeah? I’ll be here tomorrow and every single day after that, love. I’ll be here always.” 

 

Jeongguk whines, his eyes still shut tightly, and Yoongi huffs out a laugh, brushing Jeongguk’s long hair out of his face.

 

“Don’t want you to go,” he says, pouting, and Yoongi presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth and then his nose.

 

“He’s leaving with me, Gguk,” Seokjin says, not unkindly, from the door of their apartment.

 

“No,” Jeongguk says and actually stops his foot against the floor, making Yoongi laugh.

 

“Just tonight. It will make tomorrow even more special, don’t you think?” Yoongi asks and Jeongguk’s eyes shine, because it’s tomorrow. Because Jeongguk had waited for years, had hoped he would get to see Yoongi again one more time, touch him, hold him, tell him everything was going to be okay is he just stayed. And now it's tomorrow.

 

“Yeah okay, hyung. Tomorrow,” Jeongguk says and Yoongi squeezes Jeongguk’s waist, so he’ll let go. He pouts at Yoongi anyway, and earns himself another kiss before he reluctantly pulls away. He moves to stand in front of Seokjin and jabs at his neck. Seokjin does it right back and they complete their sacred handshake before Seokjin pulls him into a hug. 

 

Jeongguk makes a choking noise, sounding a little confused, but hugs Seokjin back tightly, hiding his face on his shoulder for a second. 

 

“Take care of my hyung tonight,” Jeongguk whispers and Seokjin laughs lightly, ruffling Jeongguk’s hair and winking at Yoongi, who heard what Jeongguk said even if the younger whispered it, and whose cheeks were blushing deeply. 

 

“I’ve always taken care of him,” Seokjin replies and Jeongguk nods, because he knows. 

 

He kisses Yoongi again, because he wants to and because he can, before he finally lets him go. Jimin will be here soon anyway, and Yoongi knows that just one night apart isn’t going to do any harm. 

 

Still, when he closes the door behind him, he lets out a loud sigh and Seokjin gives him a smile. 

 

“You’ll be fine, Yoongichi. It’s just for tonight, and it’ll be so worth it tomorrow.”

 

Yoongi nods and gives him his most genuine smile, all gums and teeth that he knows Seokjin is immune to, and then bats his eyelashes, just as an extra measure. 

 

“Buy me meat?” he asks, his voice mockingly sweet, and Seokjin huffs. 

 

“Yah! This is what I get for letting you stay at my place? And being the best man you could ever have?” he asks, outraged, and Yoongi only laughs at him. 

 

“Like it’s a burden for you. I know you’ve missed having me as your roommate, hyung,” Yoongi says, and his voice doesn’t have as much bite to it as it normally would. Seokjin’s eyes soften at that too, and Yoongi didn’t expect to get emotional over his wedding in the hallway of his apartment, but it’s clearly what is happening now. 

 

Suddenly the door the apartment bursts open and Jeongguk runs outside, standing in front of Seokjin again in a weirdly straight backed posed, like he’s saluting a fellow soldier, and sticks his tongue out at him. 

 

“And now he’s going to be my roommate forever,” he says, a childish tone to his voice. Seokjin wraps his arm around his neck and traps him in a lock grip until Jeongguk is squealing at him to let him go. 

 

“You’re a brat, I have no idea why Yoongi would want to spend every waking moment of the rest of his life with you,” Seokjin says and Jeongguk turns to look at Yoongi, gives him a small smile, and then turns back around to meet Seokjin’s eyes. 

 

“Because he loves me,” Jeongguk sings, and Yoongi hates it. He hates that Jeongguk has this effect on him. That he makes him blush and smile and look down because he can’t stand to look back at him. That he makes him feel like he’s always on his toes, waiting for the next love confession Jeongguk is going to let fall from his lips. And Yoongi hates it, because he loves it too much, and he was never good at this, at letting himself love what he loves, before he met Jeongguk. It was Jeongguk who encouraged him to be brave enough to love, to shout from the rooftops that he loved music, to scream at the top of his lungs that he went wild over lighting fixtures, to yell and yell as loud as he could about how much he loved Jeongguk and how much Jeongguk loved him back. 

 

He was the one who taught Yoongi that it was okay, to love small things, mundane things, ephemeral things, because those things meant happiness, meant home, meant Yoongi. 

 

And Yoongi finally loves. Loves many things, many people, but most importantly, he loves Jeongguk. Loves him like he was born to do it, and he only proves it when Jeongguk walks back to him, smiling, and Yoongi can only smile back, can only kiss him again even if they promised they would wait until tomorrow, that they had already said goodbye for today. 

 

He melts into the kiss, into Jeongguk’s lips that are his favorite place in the world, right along with Jeongguk’s heart and his hands and his everything. He kisses Jeongguk until Seokjin breaks them off, gently and lovingly because that’s just Seokjin, and tells them that they’ll get a chance to do it tomorrow, and that they should get going if he was going to buy Yoongi meat and have him in bed by 11 so he could get a full eight hours of sleep. 

 

They let go, again, and Yoongi smiles when Jeongguk closes the door behind him, because he’s in love, and he’s getting married, and he’s allowed to me happy over the dumbest things today. Maybe tomorrow too, and the day after that, because Jeongguk will be by his side. 

 

Seokjin buys him meat, and laughs at Yoongi’s jokes that he only makes when he’s overly excited and nervous, and then gives him a hug before telling him to go to sleep, once they’re in Seokjin’s apartment. Yoongi hugs him back, and then snuggles himself in bed, trying his best to fall asleep quickly before he missed Jeongguk too much. 

 

As Yoongi expected, it doesn’t work. He has gotten used to certain things, in the time he’s spent loving Jeongguk: the first, is that there’s nothing more comfortable than sleeping in Jeongguk’s arms. He’s the perfect amount of warm and strong and sweet, and he always smells like lavender and vanilla. Yoongi loves coming home to him and letting himself mold into Jeongguk’s form, disappearing into his chest without having to look up because Jeongguk knows it means he needs to be loved in silence. 

 

The second thing Yoongi has learned, is that the longer he spends living Jeongguk, the easier it is for him to get cold, when he’s not with him. Jeongguk always has hugs to offer, kisses to press against Yoongi’s skin- wherever it is he can reach- making electricity run through his veins. When all of that fails, and Yoongi is still cold, or when Jeongguk has to leave for work or to see friends, there’s always sweaters, and large jackets, and fuzzy socks that all belong to Jeongguk and just for that they feel warmer on Yoongi’s skin. Now, though, he’s freezing. 

 

He rolls his eyes and then rolls onto the other side of the bed, that is even colder from the unused sheets. He leans down to halt his backpack he brought with him into the bed. He opens it, and as soon as he notices what is inside of it, he smiles. 

 

There’s a note from Jeongguk, sticked to a large red hoodie he owns but never wears anymore because Yoongi has monopolized it.

 

Yoongi hyung,

I’m sneaking this into your bag because I know you’ll get cold without me. This is what you get for leaving me on the eve of our wedding </3 I love you and I hope you warm up soon. I hope that you’re missing me as much as I’m missing you right now, hyung. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. 

 

Love and warmth,

Your soon to be husband in T-17 hours if you got cold at 11:30, Jeonggukie. 

 

This. This is new. It has taken a while, after Yoongi got to be with Jeongguk again, for him to go back to being so obvious about being in love. He had been hesitant for a long time, about telling Yoongi he loved him, about smiling when he looked at Yoongi, because he thought Yoongi was going to leave again. Yoongi is glad he doesn’t feel that anymore. He’s glad Jeongguk knows Yoongi never wants to live without him. He never wanted it, even when he had to, but it’s good that Jeongguk knows.

 

Yoongi unlocks his phone and suppresses a giggle. It’s 11:34. Jeongguk, as per usual, is right. He opens the phone app, and his fingers hover over Jeongguk’s number. He doesn’t know why he’s nervous to call. 

 

He sits up on the bed and makes himself comfortable before he finally presses the icon. Jeongguk picks up on the second ring. 

 

“Hyung? What’s wrong? Are you having second thoughts? Do you want to call it off?” Jeongguk spits, and Yoongi’s heart beats louder in his chest. 

 

“No! Do you!?” he asks, and feels his hands dampening with sweat. He realizes that he would be crushed, if Jeongguk were to change his mind about this, even if before he met him he had always claimed that he never wanted to get married. Jeongguk changed a lot of things, and now Yoongi has dreamt of this wedding 16 times since Jeongguk proposed, and one time before he did. That is, not counting all the times he dreamt of it, in a far away, unreachable sort of dream way, when he saw Jeongguk playing his piano and sitting in front of the small bonfire they had with their friends and thought He’s my person, I want to be with him forever. 

 

“Oh my god, no. No, of course not! But you called, and I was scared,” Jeongguk says, a hushed whisper, and relief washes over Yoongi like soft morning waves breaking off of the shore. 

 

“Okay,” he exhales, heart heavy in his chest still. “Please don’t change your mind.”

 

“I won’t, of course I won’t. I love you, I want to marry you.” 

 

These are all words Yoongi has heard before, but they make his eyes water and his hands shake today, because this is real. Jeongguk is not with him right now because he’s going to be with him tomorrow and forever after that, and it feels like it’s the first time he’s falling in love, the first time he’s feeling.

 

The sudden feeling of needing settles right into his bloodstream, flowing through all of him, making him want, and want, and want. He wants Jungkook. He needs him, too. He can feel his breath start to pick up, and hides his face in the pillow to muffle the sigh that rips out of him.

 

“Hyung?” he hears Jeongguk whisper on the line, his voice just as breathy and Yoongi imagines his would sound, if he were to speak now. “Hyung, can we?”

 

The question is familiar to Yoongi’s ears. It’s a question Jeongguk has asked many times, in the time Yoongi has known him. 

 

Hyung, can we?”  he asked the first night they met at Seokjin’s apartment, and Jeongguk was asking Yoongi if he could sneak him a beer cause he wasn’t old enough yet and Seokjin was weirdly stern about not giving him any alcohol before he turned 20. Yoongi smirked, cause Jeongguk had known him for an hour and had a) already called him hyung and b) trusted him enough to ask because he knew he wasn’t going to rat him out to Seokjin. Yoongi let himself look at Jeongguk, his big, wide eyes, his round nose he hadn’t fully grown into yet, and nodded, passing him a cold beer. 

 

“This one’s mine. Take sips whenever Seokjin isn’t watching.” Yoongi replied, and Jeongguk’s smile somehow made it all worth it.

 

Hyung, can we?” he asked the first time they hung out by themselves and Jeongguk saw an 1x2 pizza ad that he immediately latched on to. He only had half the money for one pizza alone, but he asked Yoongi if they could gather the money to buy them and share them with everyone. Yoongi hadn’t refused anything to Jeongguk yet, in the few months that he’d known him, and he wasn’t going to break his streak now. He took out the few crumpled bills he had from his pocket, and gave them to Jeongguk, who gasped softly and met Yoongi's eyes. His own were filled with wonder. 

 

“Hyung, this is too much, I have half of the money already you don’t need to-“ he started but Yoongi but him off with a nod.

 

“Let hyung pay,” he said, and Jeongguk didn’t fight, because he needed the money. And Yoongi needed it too, but 2 pizzas were enough to feed him for a couple of days and he was full enough anyway, seeing Jeongguk order his favorite flavor on one pizza, and Yoongi’s favorite on the other, a big, carefree smile on his face. Jeongguk deserved to be carefree, with everything that was going on back then. 

 

Hyung, can we?” Jeongguk asked, his voice raw, hurt, as broken as Yoongi felt. “Can we please just try to make this work? I love you. I love you, please don’t go. We can figure this out.”

 

Jeongguk cried, and Yoongi didn’t, because it felt stupid, to cry when Jeongguk was still there. He would cry when Jeongguk had finally had it, when he realized that being with Yoongi wasn’t good for him, that they weren’t good for each other. He didn’t get to cry, though, because what came after that was fighting, yelling, crashing, and Yoongi was fighting the only person he had ever loved that loved him back like this, but he couldn’t stop.

 

The world was too unforgiving for gentle souls like them, that were just looking for a way out.

 

And so they fought, and Yoongi was the one who left, in the end, because they needed to get better for themselves and for each other. Because Yoongi wanted to be good, for once. He was tired of running, and he was tired of hurting and pretending he wasn’t. He wanted to be calm, he wanted a home to come back to, when everything went wrong. And home could only mean Jeongguk, Yoongi realized. He left so he could come back later, and keep coming back to him, every day. He thought Jeongguk was never going to forgive him, but he did. Yoongi had forgotten, for a while, that Jeongguk understood Yoongi, so of course he forgave him. Yoongi wasn’t even sure he was ever angry in the first place, 

 

Hyung, can we?” Jeongguk asked, when he was back in Yoongi’s arms, his heartbeat so loud against his chest Yoongi could hear it and feel it in his skin. Jeongguk’s eyes were shiny, red rimmed from the tears he’d spilled, his lips slightly parted, silently asking for a kiss.

 

Yoongi nodded, and leaned down to press their lips together softly, sweetly, not hurried anymore, like their kisses always were. He took his time, tasting Jeongguk, sighing into his mouth, swelling the whimpers Jeongguk spilled into his lips. This was different than before. 

 

Before, there was always fear behind their kisses, like they were both waiting to see if it was the last kiss they would share, if it was the last time they got to hug, if it was the last time Yoongi got to saw the afternoon light coming through Jeongguk’s window because he would never be back there again. They were always afraid, that the song Yoongi was playing on the piano was the last song they would get to hear together.

 

They were so strong, Yoongi realizes now, when he thinks back to those years. He remembers Jeongguk rouching on his bathroom floor, mixing the mint hair dye he insisted on applying to Yoongi’s hair, their giggles hushed because he didn’t want his parents to know Yoongi was there. He remembers the kiss Jeongguk gave him when he was fresh out of the shower, the way he ran his fingers through Yoongi’s hair and sighed.

 

“I love it, hyung, you look amazing,” he had said with a slight blush to his cheeks, and Yoongi had kissed him so he would stop talking and so he could taste Jeongguk’s lips again. He was always hungry for more. Jeongguk was too. That’s why the worked so well.

 

Now, they’re not hungry anymore. They’re not starving, not desperate. They entered a certain state of peace afterwards, like all the running and all the fearing exhausted them until there was only love, stuck in a feeling of warmth and comfort and soft, languid movements, still wanting each other, but not dying anymore. They were finally living, and as much as Yoongi loved Jeongguk back then, all mock tough edges and hard stares he couldn’t but needed to keep up, he loves him even more now, when he’s soft and sweet from sleeping in too long, and when he’s curled up on the couch, nodding off because he’s been editing for so long. He loves him so much more now that he doesn’t have to pretend like he doesn’t.

 

He loves him now, and Jeongguk whines even louder on the other side of the line and Yoongi has to stop himself from moaning loudly. 

 

“We really shouldn’t,” Yoongi whispers, biting his lip and pressing himself against the mattress. “I think this is really against the rules and totally defeats the whole purpose of waiting until tomorrow.”

 

Jeongguk whines. “I can’t see you hyung, the rules aren’t broken.”

 

Yoongi can’t really argue with that. 

 

“Jeongguk-ah,” Yoongi says, and Jeongguk hums.

 

“I really want to kiss you right now,” Jeongguk says like a confession, and a Yoongi groans.

 

“I would love to kiss you.”

 

“What else would you do?” Jeongguk asks, and Yoongi knows where this is going. He knows what it means, when Jeongguk asks him to talk.

 

“I would look at you,” is what Yoongi says first, because it’s the truth. “I would kiss you everywhere I can reach, make sure you know I love you and think you’re beautiful.”

 

Jungkook whines, whispers something Yoongi doesn’t quite get, and then there’s some rustling on the other side of the line.

 

“Hyung, can we really?” Jungkook asks again, and Yoongi knows why he’s asking. “I want to but I- we,” he stutters and Yoongi shushes him gently. 

 

“I get it, Jeongguk-ah. We wanted to do this right. We wanted to have this,” he says, and Jungkook hums. Yoongi rolls into his back and places his hands under his pillow so he won’t be too tempted. 

 

“I know. I know. I still want that. You’re right, I’m sorry,” Jeongguk says, and Yoongi’s heart breaks a little around the edges, a small muscle fiber ripping at the words.

 

“No, don’t be sorry, please,” Yoongi begs. All he wants is for Jeongguk to be happy. 

“I just. I always want you, and you know that, but we want this too, right? We want to do this the right way and we want to remember it like this?”

 

“Yeah hyung, I want that. I want everything with you. A big white wedding hyung. We deserve this, don’t you think?” He asks, and Yoongi nods, even if Jeongguk can’t see him. It was an easy choice to make, when they were thinking about their wedding, to pick a big, traditional wedding. They missed out on so many things before, caught up in a storm of unforgiving youth, that wanting to be married like this seemed like a simple thing to wish for.

 

“Yes, my baby, I think we do.”

 

“Then just. Stay with me? On the line? I love you, I want to feel like you’re here next to me,” Jeongguk whispers the last words, and Yoongi agrees easily, because he doesn’t want to say goodbye either.

 

Jeongguk hums a melody for a while, the same one Yoongi has been playing in the piano lately, nameless and without a plan to be written further, but sweet and melodic and even softer through Jeongguk’s voice. Yoongi listens until Jeongguk falls asleep, and then he replays it in his head until his own eyes drop. Tomorrow. He’s finally going to be able to say hello without saying goodbye.

 

*

Yoongi wakes up the next day being suffocated by Seokjin’s weight.

 

“Get off of me,” Yoongi groans, his voice still hoarse from sleep, his eyes not even open yet.

 

“It’s 8am, time to get ready stud,” Seokjin sing songs, and Yoongi groans again.

 

“Stud? Please tell me you’re not going to be like this all day. You can’t ruin my wedding just because you want to be cheesy.” Seokjin laughs but gets off, and Yoongi breathes in dramatically.

 

“Right, I forgot only you and the little demon have permission to be cheesy today,” Seokjin says. and Yoongi punches him lightly on the shoulder.

 

“Don’t call him that,” he says, defensive, and Seokjin giggles, pinching Yoongi’s cheek until Yoongi brushes him off again, scowling. 

 

“Hey, Yoongi,” Seokjin says after a few minutes, and Yoongi hums to let him know he’s listening. Seokjin turns to look at Yoongi in the eye, and smiles genuinely. “You’re getting married today.”

 

It’s ridiculous, how Yoongi’s body responds to the words. His eyes shut tightly, and a shiver runs down his spine. He swallows and gives Seokjin shaky smile.

 

“Yeah,” is all he replies.

 

The morning goes by in a blurr. Yoongi does most things in autopilot. He has breakfast, showers, gets dressed in regular clothes until Namjoon arrives with his suit and a bag of makeup Seokjin takes from his hands immediately. They get Yoongi ready in no time, and when he blinks he’s already at the venue, waiting for the ceremony to start. His chest feels numb and yet he’s shaking with excitement. There’s a lot going through his mind, but mostly, he just hopes he doesn’t forget his vows. 

 

Someone knocks on the door once, twice, until Namjoon pops his head up from behind it and gives Yoongi a big smile.

 

“They’re ready for you,” he says solemnly, like Yoongi is being executed publicly or something, and Yoongi scoffs. 

 

“I’ll make so much fun of you when you finally ask Taehyung,” he says simply as he walks by, and laughs to himself when Namjoon stills by the door, his mouth wide open. Yoongi moves to his spot quickly, and takes a second to look at the place. Jeongguk insisted on decorating most of it, and it’s evident. The venue is perfect, and even if it isn’t a big wedding, just their friends and some people they'd known over the years there, it’s everything they could ever want. Just one pretty groom missing.

 

Yoongi meets Hoseok’s eyes for a second and smiles when Hoseok winks at him. The music starts playing, and Yoongi takes a deep breath. This is it. Jeongguk is about to walk in any second.



They decided early in the wedding plan that Jeongguk should be the one to walk down the aisle. It was easy to decide. Yoongi didn’t want the attention, and Jeongguk dreamt of it, of being presented as Yoongi’s one and only love he was going to be able to have forever. Because Jeongguk always wanted to belong, and he found that he belonged with Yoongi like he belonged with no one else, even if he loved his friends so much that he asked Taehyung to give him away. Taehyung had laughed, blushed softly and looked at Namjoon, silently telling him something with his eyes, but agreed.

 

And now there they are. Jeongguk looks more handsome than Yoongi has ever seen him, his boyish features gone now and yet not completely, a beautiful juxtaposition that only Jeongguk could pull off. He’s walking quickly towards the aisle, his steps hurried and slightly clumsy, and Yoongi grins at him. Jeongguk grins back, and mouths I missed you at Yoongi. It makes his heart squeeze in his chest. They finally make it, and Taehyung gives Yoongi a small smile before he presents Jeongguk to him, theatrically. Taehyung’s hands are shaky and and his eyes are wet. Yoongi would tease him, make a joke, maybe even hug him, if he could take his eyes off of Jeongguk for one second. 

 

Yoongi takes Jeongguk’s hands, who squeezes them tightly as he moves to stand in front of him. The officiant starts the ceremony, and Yoongi realizes he hasn’t really been paying attention until Jeongguk pulls his arm softly, a smirk on his face. Your turn, he mouths, and Yoongi starts shaking. His mind goes blank, and he looks at Jeongguk for a split second, his eyes wide with panic. Jeongguk seems to understand and squeezes Yoongi’s hands reassuringly. Say whatever you want say, he mouths this time, and Yoongi takes a deep breath. He moves so he’s standing in front of Jeongguk, and then wills his heart to take a step back from the ledge from where it’s about to jump. 

 

“Jeongguk-ah,” he starts, and his eyes water immediately. Jeongguk giggles next to him and wills him to go on. Yoongi’s voice is quiet when he speaks again, and they exchange their vows softly, quietly, whispering them like they used to whisper secrets way back when. Jeongguk bounces on the balls of his feet for most of the time, and has to stop himself from letting go of Yoongi’s hands to cover his ears when it’s his turn to talk. Yoongi smiles, and by the end his cheeks hurt from the tension. Their vows are casual, the usual things one would say to the person they’re marrying, because Yoongi had shyly asked, the night the got engaged, if they could save their vows for later, when it was just the two of them with the stars as witnesses. He didn’t want anyone to hear what he really had to say, because it would be a waste. No one would understand, anyway, if Yoongi said it right there. Because no one ever got Jeongguk and Yoongi, and they didn’t need to. 

 

The officiant’s eyes are find when he speaks, a soft sigh leaving his mouth.

 

“I now declare you husbands. You may kiss,” he says, and Jeongguk basically jumps into Yoongi’s arms, kissing him sweetly even when it’s mostly teeth and gums because he can’t stop smiling, so Yoongi can’t stop either. Their friends cheer, and Jimin throws them fistfuls of rice. Yoongi wants to tell him that that’s too much of a western tradition, but he sees the way he’s smiling at Hoseok and the way he’s looking at Seokjin as he asks him for more rice, and he thinks maybe he’ll enable him, just for today.

 

Jeongguk pulls him into the car quickly. No reception, they decided. It was just their friends anyway, and it would end up being like every weekend when they hung out. The catering was for them, especially for Seokjin, and Jeongguk and Yoongi just wanted to go home. So Jeongguk rented a nice car and a nice driver so he could nuzzle his face in Yoongi’s neck and kiss it the entire ride back to their apartment, and so Yoongi could blush but still pull his closer by the waist. 

 

They hold each other on the elevator to their apartment, and then they hold each other when Yoongi shuts the door behind him, breathing each other in and laughing when Jeongguk pushes them cold metal of his ring against Yoongi’s soft abdomen. It makes goosebumps erupt on his skin, a soft gasp leaving his mouth that mixes with a giggle when he looks at Jeongguk’s face. His eyes are wide and shiny, his nose a little red because he’s been crying so much, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. 

 

Yoongi doesn’t even try to resist the pull he feels towards Jeongguk, kissing him softly, melting into his frame, sighing every time their tongues brush. Jeongguk sneaks his hands under Yoongi’s dress shirt and squeezes his waist as he moves to kiss his neck, making Yoongi shudder. Jeongguk guides them deeper into the apartment and Yoongi bangs his hip against the little table they have by the living room. Jeongguk pulls away quickly to give Yoongi a sheepish smile, and Yoongi stops him from leaning in again, raising his hand up close to Jungkook’s face, tracing his features slowly. He caresses Jungkook’s eyebrows and then his eyelids when they flutter shut, leaving soft kisses on his temples, outlining the slope of his nose and then kissing the tip of it. Yoongi even nips at it gently, because he can’t resist him, and Jeongguk smiles, his eyes still shut tightly. Yoongi moves his hands to Jeongguk’s lips, shiny and puffy from all the kissing. His husband's- his husband's- breath picks up, his eyes shut even tighter. He looks like he wants to move, to hold Yoongi and kiss him again, but he stays still, completely at Yoongi’s mercy, his eyes shut in blissful trust. 

 

Yoongi marvels, completely entranced by the beautiful sight in front of him. He leaves a kiss on Jeongguk’s cupid bow, one in the seam of his mouth, one in his jaw. He runs his fingers through Jeongguk’s hair and sighs. My husband. 

 

“Jeongguk-ah,” Yoongi whispers, trying to keep his voice soft to keep the illusion from breaking, and then he realizes he doesn’t have to. It’s not an illusion, it’s not the dream that vanished in front of Yoongi’s eyes every time he thought he was reaching for it. This is Jeongguk, real and solid, here in front of him, his. His to love and take care of for as long as he can. Jeongguk hums, his eyes still closed. “Dance with me?”

 

Jeongguk’s breath catches in his throat, and he nods, gripping Yoongi’s skin tighter, suddenly needing to be closer to him even when he hasn’t moved. Yoongi starts playing a song on his bluetooth speaker, a soft melody he wrote years ago pouring through the apartment. Jeongguk wraps his arms around Yoongi and raises him up so he’s standing on his feet. Yoongi yelps and Jeongguk laughs, blinking his eyes open and catching Yoongi’s lips in a soft kiss. 

 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Jeongguk says when Yoongi pouts at him and motions at his bare feet. “You’re tiny and uncoordinated, this is insurance so you end our wedding day in one piece.”

 

Yoongi huffs but doesn’t fight him on it because he’s right. Jeongguk starts swaying, and Yoongi hides his face in Jeongguk’s neck, letting himself be held like only Jeongguk knows how. The music trails off eventually, but Jeongguk keeps moving them around the living room, twirling Yoongi and making him laugh, his cheeks pink with embarrassment. He feels surrounded by comfort, in a way he’s never allowed himself before. There was always something wrong, always something to look at, like there were monsters lurking in the dark and if Yoongi closed his eyes for a second they would come back to bite. 

 

Jeongguk starts getting restless again, when Yoongi disentangles his hands from behind Jeongguk’s neck and places them in his chest, pressing a kiss to his sternum before he pops one of the buttons from Jeongguk’s shirt loose. He goes into the second one, and then the third, and he doesn’t realize Jeongguk stopped swaying until he makes it to the last button. Something in Jeongguk seems to break, when Yoongi traces a small pattern up and down his navel, and he grips the back of Yoongi’s thighs, hoisting him up and walking into their bedroom.

 

He puts Yoongi down gently on the mattress, kissing him again, sighing, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. Yoongi soothes him gently, whispers soft I love yous into his ear, sweet my husbands into his skin, running his hands up and down gently down his spine. Jeongguk goes pliant in his arms, asking Yoongi for more, for less, already eager to be taken care of, to be told what to do so he can take care of Yoongi back.

 

And Yoongi loves him, relishes in Jeongguk’s touches and says, as he promised, the vows he wrote for Jeongguk. The vows he wrote once, when he was 20 and in love for the first time, again, when he was older and alone, and once more, when he was wearing an engagement ring and Jeongguk was snoring next to him, his mouth slightly parted. Yoongi felt his heart leap in joy, because they’d made it.

 

“My entire youth was yours, my entire life will be too. It’s you, and it always has been, the person who makes me feel love and hope when I think my body was an empty carcass, the one who never lets me give up on myself. You’re the water that made be bloom into who I am today, and although I could live without you, I never want to. What a pointless life, to be a small creature in this vast universe, always looking for a home knowing I could never find it because it could only be you.

 

“Do you remember, Gguk, when they asked me if I knew what I meant to you?” Jeongguk cries into the he crook of his neck, leaving soft kisses and breathing harshly, and nods. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know back then, that you loved me like I loved you. And I don’t think I wanted to know, because I was so afraid. I was so terrified, that you were as consumed by me as I was by you. I never wanted you to lose yourself, and I knew that’s what we were doing. We were reckless and young and I just wanted to protect you, but I didn’t know how because I needed to protect myself too. I think I know now. I know what the answer is, to that question. Jeongguk-ah, my love, you’re everything. You’re everything to me. You’re the sunlight and the moonlight and the sunset between them, you’re every galaxy and every drop of water I could ever need. I adore you, I love you, I cherish you, because I know how to do that now. And I’m so thankful, that you gave me a chance to be your everything too.”

 

Yoongi lets his tears fall, because he knows Jeongguk will kiss them away, hold him gently like he’s precious and whispers his love back to him.

 

“Hyung, you- I thought you were my everything then too. But you were all I’d ever known, and I needed to lose you so I could come back to you. You have taught me everything, you know? Simple things, at first; You taught me how to drive, how to play the piano. And then, the most important things: how to love you like you deserved and how to love me like I deserved, too. You have been, always, the reason why I want to be better, why I want to be good. And I love you so much it’s hard for me to put it into words. But then I remember, that it’s just you, that you understand me. You’ve never needed me to talk, for you to know. But I want to try, I want to tell you, because you deserve this hyung. We deserve this. You’re my morning star, my compass, my hidden treasure. Being with you, living our lives together is the biggest chance life has given me. It was a gift, from fate, to hold you in my arms the first time, and it’s a gift every time I get to do it again. I never believed in destiny, before I met you. But I have to, hyung, when I see you come home and you kiss me before you do anything else. Of course I believe, when you hold me and when you look at me like I’m the best thing that has ever happened to you. My fate is you. My destiny is  to hold your hand as we take on the world by storm. You’re everything, Yoongi hyung. You’re my everything.”

 

Yoongi wraps him in a hug, kissing the top of his head, crying into their embrace. It feels blissful, to be with him, to know he’s Jeongguk’s world just as much and Jeongguk is his. He lets Jeongguk kiss him again, touch him however he wants, and he touches back, arches into him when Jeongguk whines, swallows his moans and his tears and replaces them with his own. 

 

And when their breathing evens out, and Jeongguk rests his head on Yoongi’s chest as they watch the sun go down from the widow of the apartment they’ve shared for years, Yoongi kisses the top of Jeongguk’s head one last time before he lets his eyes drop closed. A small smile makes way to his face and he thinks, how lucky they are, to be finally holding each other, complete and whole in one single everything.