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an absolutely no good retelling of 'the little red riding hood' featuring yoo joonghyuk and kim dokja's company

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Once upon a time, there was a little girl—

“Do you want to die?” Yoo Joonghyuk interrupted.

… A young man…??

The man humphed, but didn’t say anything more.

… Right. There was a young man who liked to go everywhere wearing a red hood, so he gained himself the nickname Red Riding Hood.

One day, Red Riding Hood was assigned a task by his mother to deliver murim dumplings to his grandmother who lived deep in the forest.

Yoo Mia, wearing an oversized mom-outfit and an apron, walked out of the kitchen with a basket in her hands.

“Joonghyuk-ah, be a good child and bring this to your sick grandmother who lives in the forest.”

“... Is this why you woke me up at 4 AM to make you dumplings? It’s not even warm anymore.”

“Oppa! You have to act according to your character!! You should be calling me ‘mother’!”

Somewhere in the background, Han Sooyoung didn’t even bother to hide her laughter. Yoo Joonghyuk promised to beat her up once everything was over.

“… Alright… mother… I’ll deliver the dumplings.”

Yoo Joonghyuk took the basket from his ‘mother’, but was surprised when he found it to be lighter than he thought. He lifted the flap to look inside.

“Why are there only three dumplings?” He observed again. One of the remaining dumplings had a large bite on it. “Two and a half.”

Yoo Mia started fiddling with one of her pigtails, “Well… while waiting for the play to start I got hungry so I ate some of them…”

“You ate forty-seven and a half dumplings by yourself?”

“Not by myself!” she defended. “Gilyoung-ah and Yoosung-ah also ate with me! And they ate more!”

“That’s slander!!”

The two children mentioned suddenly peeked out from the side of the kitchen entrance. Lee Gilyoung pointed at Yoo Mia and exclaimed, “Yoosung and I only ate seven each, while she ate the rest! She was even halfway to eating one more before the cue for the start of the play was announced and she put the half-eaten dumpling inside the basket!”

Shin Yoosung nodded fervently. Yoo Mia shrieked and ran to shut Lee Gilyoung up. The two started to scuffle while Shin Yoosung wisely stepped out of the way.

Yoo Joonghyuk sighed.


After saying goodbye to his mother (“I didn’t. They were too busy fighting.”) Red Riding Hood made his way to his grandmother’s house. As he was leisurely walking through the forest, a wolf emerged from the bushes.

“Yo.”

“… I’m not surprised.”

Donning a hairband with a pair of wolf ears on it was Han Sooyoung. She was supposed to wear a furry wolf costume, but something unfortunate happened to it (she ‘tripped’ while holding onto the costume and it fell towards a fire that was coincidentally burning near her) so she ended up having to use an alternative accessory.

“We both know where this is going so, like, take your time or whatever as I go vore your grandma and be the replacement so I can trick you too. See ya.”

Han Sooyoung turned to walk back into the woods.

Wait!

“Hm?”

I gave you a lot of lines! Can’t you at least act out, I don’t know, half of them??

“Your script is shit. I don’t want to do it longer than I have to.”

… At the very least, can’t you guys exchange a few more words?

“No,” an immediate reply came from Han Sooyoung. Yoo Joonghyuk stayed silent, but the glare he aimed at the narrator showed his sentiment. He wanted to get this over with quickly.


After taking the wolf’s suggestion in mind (“I didn’t suggest shit,” Han Sooyoung’s shouted from a distance), Red Riding Hood went to pick up a few flowers as a gift for his grandmother.

Yoo Joonghyuk continued walking down the road, ignoring the narration.

… Red Riding Hood, please pick up some flowers.

The man raised an eyebrow, “There aren’t any.”

True enough, as far as the eye could see there were only trees and bushes with no flowers in sight.

At least find something to present to the grandmother??

Yoo Joonghyuk looked at the sky with a deadpan, reached out towards the bushes at his side, plucked off five or six leaves, put them in the basket, then resumed walking.


After a while, Red Riding Hood finally arrived at the small cottage his grandmother lived in. He gently knocked on the door—

Yoo Joonghyuk kicked the door off its hinges and walked in like he owned the place.

… That works, I guess.

The man looked around and found a figure lying down on the bed, scrolling through his phone.

“You’re the grandmother?”

“Unfortunately,” Kim Dokja answered without looking up from his phone.

“Aren’t you supposed to be vored by Han Sooyoung?”

“Yoo Joonghyuk, for the love of all that is holy, please don't let the word ‘vore’ come out of your mouth ever again.”

Yoo Joonghyuk approached the bed and dropped the basket on top of Kim Dokja’s stomach. The latter was startled, then he glared at the other man. He put his phone to the side and sat up before opening the flap of the basket.

“… Theres only a half-eaten dumpling and a bunch of leaves inside.”

“Ate a dumpling on the way. Han Sooyoung stole the other.” Then, as an afterthought, Yoo Joonghyuk added, “The leaves are for you.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

Continue with the play, please.

“We don’t even have the wolf with us though?” Kim Dokja said to the air.

“Where’s Han Sooyoung?”

“She dropped by for a total of five seconds, threw the wolf ears at me, then left. I don’t know where she went.”

Kim Dokja, you be the wolf.

“Why should I? We can just stop now that there’s no way to continue the play.”

I’ll sponsor you coins.

“Joonghyuk-ah, you’re here! Come closer so this old person can have a better look at you.”

The man switched personas so fast when it involves monetary transactions. He even managed to put on the wolf ears on his head without Yoo Joonghyuk noticing.

The wolf managed to trick Red Riding Hood into thinking he was his grandmother. He was waiting for the perfect chance to strike at the man.

“Wait,” Yoo Joonghyuk said suddenly.

What now.

“In the end the wolf will be defeated and Red Riding Hood can go home, right?”

Kim Dokja looked at Yoo Joonghyuk warily, “I don’t like that question. At all.”

He couldn’t say anything else, though, as Yoo Joonghyuk immediately flew his fist at top speed towards him, hitting him so hard he passed out.

Yoo Joonghyuk, what the hell?!

“There. Now the wolf isn’t a threat anymore. We’re done.”

There should have been more things to happen!! What about the lumberjack?!

“You rang?”

Lee Jihye suddenly appeared, entering the small cottage like she owned the place. Like master like disciple.

You’re supposed to save the helpless Red Riding Hood, but then he went and punched the grandmother-slash-wolf instead…

“Well, it makes sense, doesn’t it?”

Huh?

“I mean, there’s no way Master would lose to anyone, much less Ahjussi of all people.”

If Kim Dokja was still conscious, he would have protested, saying he would definitely put up a good fight. Alas, the fact that he passed out after one punch to the gut from Yoo Joonghyuk proved him wrong.

“Let’s head back.”

Yoo Joonghyuk picked up Kim Dokja’s limp body and threw him over one shoulder. Lee Jihye went to his side and the two people plus one baggage made their way back home.

… Damn, If I knew things were gonna go to shit like this I would have forced you to wear a frilly dress from the very beginning…

Yoo Joonghyuk stopped in his tracks. He handed the unconscious Kim Dokja to Lee Jihye, then…

… Huh? What are you doing? Wh, how the hell did you get here?? Wait. Wait, Yoo Joonghyuk I was just joking around. Please put down your sword. Please I’m beg— YOO JOONGHYUK I’M SOR—


“They’re certainly taking a while finishing up the play.” Han Sooyoung said from her position sprawled on the couch. “Can someone start making lunch already? I’m starving.”

“I don’t think Joonghyuk-ssi would appreciate it if we mess around with his kitchen while he’s away. How about we just order take-out?” Yoo Sangah offered. She was amongst those lucky enough not to be chosen to act in the terrible play, along with the rest of the members of Kim Dokja’s Company.

At Han Sooyoung’s ‘yea, sure’ she picked up her phone and started looking through the options available.

Just another day for Kim Dokja’s Company.