Always in My Heart
"No! No...No! This isn't happening,"
If it weren't for the fact that Louis been seated, as advised by the doctor, his knees would have given out.
Instead, his whole body crumbled in on itself from his perch on an equally old, withered hospital chair.
Dainty hands come up to cover Louis' caramel-fringed forehead, knees and shoulders shaking from unswallowed sobs. Louis pressed the palm of his hands so hard against his eyes, that he began to see colors within the dark of his mind.
Louis would give anything to take this moment back, to throw this whole day in the trash and start anew.
A violent sob shuddered through his body, each sob another blow to his heart. Louis didn't think his heart could handle another blast, and it didn't, 'cause not a moment later, a pained whimper completely shattered his heart into a billion bloody pieces.
"Louis," an unmistakably deep, and broken, voice cut through from Louis' right, immediately giving Louis enough strength to stand up and take that seemingly monsterous step to Harry's hunched figure sitting at the end of the hospital bed, and wrap Harry in his arms. Tight.
One hand snaking around Harry's back, pulling him closer than humanly possible even with their current positions of Louis standing between Harry's legs as he sits close to defeat on the bed.
The other hand soothing circles onto Harry's famed curls.
Silent tears drained from Harry's body as he turned his head into the nook of Louis' neck, hands coming up to grip tightly at Louis' shirt, through to his skin, and digging into his soul. They only indication that Harry was even crying was the ever expanding wet spot on Louis' shirt where his head laid.
"Louis," Harry whispered once more, this one holding barely any substance that Louis' own ears have to strain to hear.
It was also something Louis desperately wished to never hear again. Harry had always been strong. When he had been diagnosed with brain cancer, and given just over a year to live, Harry had been the one to hold Louis tight. He was so strong and so brave, Louis hated that Harry was now breaking. That Harry didn't know if he could be strong enough.
"Shh. Love. It's alright." Louis tried to reassure his Harry, to be strong for Harry...but nothing could stop the very definite crack in his voice, nor the watered sniffles as snot dribbled from his nose, and swollen red tear ducts released floods into Harry's hair.
Not a whisp of air flowed between Louis and Harry. At every intake of breath Louis pulled Harry deeper into his embrace. One hand clutching at Harry's scalp, the other clawing at Harry's back. Louis felt so weak.
But Louis had to be strong. Louis had to be strong for Harry. It's just that, Louis had forgotten how t be strong without Harry. Harry made Louis strong. And right now Louis wanted to be anything but strong.
The doctor left with promises to have the prescription for barbiturates filled as quickly as possible, that they could leave for the comfort of their own home after everything is written up- and to offer them a 'moment alone,' leaving unnoticed by the two heartbroken men.
"Don't wanna die, Lou," Harry whimpered from Louis' neck.
Louis didn't want Harry to die either. Tears fell harder just at the thought of waking up without Harry curled against him. Louis would do anything, Louis would gladly take Harry's place.
"I know, Love." Louis could barely speak himself, nothing above a soft whisper able to escape his throat.
"Don't wanna die as anyone else."
Louis moved his hands to caress Harry's cheeks.
Tears stained green eyes, still the most beautiful shade of green Louis has ever seen, looked up at him, snot angrily flowing alongside the tears and a face blotched red from crying so much and hard enough that the vein in Harry's neck popped.
Louis brought a hand down momentarily to trace his fingers along it, eyes never leaving Harry's.
"Don't wanna forget you. Don't wanna die not knowing who you are. How much I love you... How much you love me," the tears practically poured out now. For the both of them. Louis couldn't see past the dense fog covering his eyes.
The tumor has taken so much of Harry already; the seizures were the worst. They took the most. Harry had come out of at least two seizures within the last month with absolutely no clue as to who Louis even was. One seizure had gone so far as to take Harry's basic speaking abilities away. The effects of the seizures were thankfully limited to a short time, but the damage has already been done. The next seizure might take Harry's memories completely, and that's where Harry drew the line. Harry didn't want to die losing the knowledge of those he loved most. He refused. Louis only wanted Harry to be happy.
"I love you Harry. I love you so much," Louis' voice may not have come out strong, but it held enough passion and love that Louis didn't care that he wasn't strong enough at that very moment.
Louis shudders a laugh and brought his sleeve to Harry's nose, clearing his face of snot momentarily and bopping Harry on the nose when he's a bit more decent. "Look at you. You're an absolute mess, Harold," Louis tried to lighten the mood, if only slightly; if only just slightly enough so he could catch a glimpse of a genuine dimpled smile.
He wasn't disappointed.
Harry took Louis' hands into his. Linking them and periodically squeezing tighter and tighter...A reminder that they were both still very much there and together and alive.
"I love you Louis. Always in my heart," Harry smiled that thousand watt smile he was so famous for while simultaneously fluttering his eyes in an effort to fight away more tears.
Louis smiled, sending a genuinely 'Tommo' smile back at his love.
"Always in my heart, Harry. Always."